Day 283 to 287 – October 10th to 14th, 2018

Hello, hello!!

Continuing on in the whole “October is going to be a great month theme”, these past couple days have been FANTASTIC. This past week was my reading week, and I finally got some time to myself to be at home and just recuperate from how busy the previous week was.

However – this past Wednesday, I finally hung out with Avery properly after so long. And I was right – something was wrong, I know him well man. When things get difficult to the point that he doesn’t quite know how to talk about it with others, he disappears for a little while because he gets the impression that in that state, he’s going to be a burden to the people he cares about. He admitted that this particular time he was feeling pretty low, (enough to be on the depression spectrum), and things got pretty bad.

But, the Universe definitely heard him out and threw him a massive bone this time in the form of something he least expected – he met someone. Or rather, he re-met someone, after years and years of coincidental “almost’s”. The story is long and beautiful and spans across years and I honestly couldn’t be happier for him. I know exactly how he feels. It’s almost unbelievable, and yet… it’s real. He acknowledged the magic of it all, but is intending to take it slow. I’m so excited for him! He’s about to start a brand new chapter of his life with someone new.

I’m glad things are back to normal with us. I completely understand why he did what he did, but I also made it clear that we’re in our mid-twenties now and there’s no such thing as “being a burden” when you’ve known someone for this long. If we can’t turn to each other now, then what? He understood where I was coming from too, and said he would try to make more use of our friendship when he needed to, which made me happy.

Anyways, later on in the week (the Friday), Adrian and I decided to have a Halloween movie marathon – he told me to pick the movies and that he’d take care of the rest. And he meant it; he picked up some pumpkin spice cookie dough with cream cheese frosting chips (*drool*), and we ended up ordering in some pizza that we ate after smoking up bit. It was such a perfect cozy night in for such a chilly October night.

In between the movies and cuddling, we were talking about the moments we first met and started getting to know one another. And I couldn’t help it, I was so curious – I asked him if he felt like he has, gotten to know me I mean. After the time we’ve spent together.

He hesitated for a moment, and was like “well I mean, I still feel like there’s still more to get to know about one another. But there’s plenty of time for that.”

Honestly, that night I was kind of asking the Universe for an answer because lately I’ve been heavily considering being straight-forward and just telling him how I feel, right to the depth of it all. But after he said that, it made me think. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

Actually, “getting ahead of myself” is the wrong way to phrase things. I’m so happy, so incredibly happy. And I’m also very certain of how I feel, I’ve known from what feels like the start. But, I also agree with him too. There’s still more to get to know about one another, and there really is no rush. I don’t think he’s ready for anything more than what we are right now, but I also know that I definitely make him as happy as he makes me, too. I can see it in his smile when he’s looking at me.

And you know what? I’m not really “holding back” when I think about it – I do tell him how much he means to me, in little ways. I make it clear that I think he’s amazing, I tell him as much as I can how much I appreciate him and that I think he’s the best. In fact, he mentioned that that’s also one of the reasons he likes me so much; because I never let him feel like anything less than special. So it’s not like I’m repressing my feelings or holding back, per se.

And he does the same with me. We’re constantly finding ways to express ourselves to one another.

I have to remember this. Because it’s so easy to fall back into the idea of a “timeline”, or the that things are supposed to happen a certain way at a certain time. It’s not. That’s society’s trap, and I don’t want it. I’m happy. I don’t need anything more than this right now. He gives me all the reassurance I need in everything he says, and more important through everything he does.

Everything is going to happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to. I won’t stop saying it, to remind myself to have faith.

Anyways, the next day (yesterday) was Leila’s birthday get-together at Dave ‘N’ Busters, and it was sooooo much fun! I was so excited to give her her gifts, and once I finally did she seemed so touched and so happy, which made me happy.

Adrian tried to meet up with us, but accidentally went to the wrong hotel (omg, the poor guy LMAO). He still met up with us just as we were leaving in order to prove himself and also to give Leila her gift (he got her low-sugar white wine, so thoughtful).

He finally met Cory, as well as Trevor, and even Shada and Adelaide! He seemed to get along well with everyone and had a great time himself. He liked my friends, and he was happy he’d come out.

There was a really cool magic show we got to watch, and me, Krystal and Adrian bonded through playing multiple games together since Chad wasn’t feeling too well and couldn’t make it. It was a lot of fun!

I have no idea how many times I had to say, “so-and-so, this is Adrian. Adrian, meet so-and-so.” But you know what I realized afterwards? It wasn’t awkward at all! Like, no one was asking “oh, is this your boyfriend?” or anything like that! I remember I used to be kind of worried about situations like that because I didn’t quite know how to introduce him, but it actually worked out really well!

Anyways, that’s about it for this weekend. Yet again, it’s been another amazing week of October. And there’s more yet to come – this week, yes I have an exam this Tuesday. But after that? That same Tuesday, the birthday shenanigans begin; I have the Florence concert right after my exam, the next day weed is getting legalized and Olivia and I will be heading to Denny’s that night for my birthday tradition of my free grand slam breakfast at midnight, the next day is my birthday and Adrian’s taking me out, and then the next day, we all leave to the cottage for the whole weekend! Holy fack. It’s going to be SUCH AN AMAZING WEEEEEK! I’m so excited!!!

Anyways, that’s all for today. I’m going to chill out for the rest of the night and possibly finish How I Met Your Mother. I’ll write when I can! I’m sure this is going to be a week I definitely don’t want to forget in the slightest. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 275 to 282 – October 2nd to 9th, 2018

Okay, I really did want to write before this weekend began but honestly this past week has been so busy with back-to-back plans and events that I’ve quite literally had no time to sit down and bang out a proper log. But, it is now my reading week AND I’m off from work until Friday, so I now have plenty of time to do a full and proper catch-up log (as well as work on my book, perhaps? We shall see!)

I’m just going to quickly list the things I want to catch-up about briefly so that I won’t forget anything as I go in-depth into my log. So, what have I missed? I wrote my exam, hung out with Adrian, went to Shada’s birthday with Leila, Cory, Krystal and Chad, and then it was Radha’s birthday, and then right after that I actually went to Adrian’s friend Mark’s birthday, then there was a birthday dinner for Olivia’s boyfriend Trevor with my family, and then finally yesterday all the cousins got together for our annual Thanksgiving lunch. Phew. It’s been a doozy of a week, but so, so much fun!

But first, of course – how have I been?

Honestly, fantastic!!! Everything has been falling into place so organically in my life that it’s almost become easy to remind myself not to worry or stress unnecessarily. I’m at peace, I’m thankful for every day that I’m given, I’m in the midst of my favourite season, and I couldn’t ask for more than what I have right now. I’m happy.

The Universe has been constantly hearing me out in the littlest and biggest of ways. I have the exact amount of hours I need from work this month, no more and no less – which means I have more free time to focus on school, and to focus on me. School has been surprisingly easy to keep up with, and I’ve actually been doing my due diligence and studying as I should be! And although I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends and going out, it’s not exhausting or draining in the slightest because somehow, it’s the perfect amount of time spent. I don’t think I’d be able to keep up with any more than that. And now, here I am in the quiet of my home, which is exactly what I need in this moment.

You shape your reality. Either you fear this fact and let life continuously “happen” to you, or you acknowledge this fact and take accountability for the power your thoughts have to shape your life.

A couple days ago, I did receive a reminder from the Universe to be a bit more cautious about how much I value my life, as well as the power of saying “no” (which I need to learn how to exercise a bit more efficiently). But more on that later.

So, to begin!! My exam.

I actually spent quite a number of days studying as hard as I could (so proud!) so when the test finally rolled around, I was more excited than I was nervous. I ended up making some friends in class (because I shared some of my test banks, much to the dismay of a couple goody-goody’s who immediately left the lecture hall once I brought them out, LMAO) and we all studied together and bonded beforehand, which was nice.

I breezed through that exam so easily that I’m pretty sure I was the first one done. And better yet, the Universe heard me out once more and made all 80 questions on the test multiple choice without any short/long answer questions (which by some “coincidence”, I didn’t bother preparing for at all). Because all the questions on my exam were basically the ones I studied from my test banks, I’m pretty sure I aced it and I walked out of that lecture hall as confidently as I walked in. All in all, it was the perfect start to my amazing weekend.

The next day, Adrian spontaneously asked me if I would like to go to breakfast with him and since I happened to be off from work, I happily agreed. He took me to this cute little breakfast place which coincidentally happened to be in the exact same plaza of a restaurant I’d mentioned to him a couple weeks ago.

We went shopping around after that, and then headed back to his place to watch a movie (which didn’t end up happening because we got… distracted, heh). While we were lying together and cuddling, there was this moment where he kind of looked at me and went “I still can’t believe you’re real.”

I couldn’t help but ask why, and oh man. All the reasons he gave (whilst cutely punctuating each reason with a kiss) honestly took my breath away. He said it was because I’m the “whole package”, because of how intelligent and funny I am, because of how sweet I could be, because (and I quote) “you have a body that looks like you sold your soul to the devil for it”, because I’m drop-dead gorgeous, because he loves the way my smile forms with its little crinkles at the corner, and because of the sound of my laugh. And he said he had fifty million reasons more if that wasn’t enough, but it was more than enough. It was everything.

I didn’t know what to say back!!! I never know what to say in those moments, LOL. I just promised him that I’m as real as they come.

Le sigh. It feels like everything is falling into place so perfectly, and even more so because of this past weekend. But first – Shada’s birthday party!

After work, I went over to Leila’s and we got ready together after so long, and I even did her makeup which was very cute and so much fun to do. She’s probably my favourite person to do make-up on – she always appreciates what I do, gives me complete freedom to do what I want, and she’s already naturally stunning so it’s always easy to get a look going for her. Not to mention, we both love makeup so much so it’s always fun to do for her.

Once we were done getting ready, me, Leila and Cory headed over to the condo where Shada was hosting her party, and it was so nice!! Very fancy and swanky. We met Chad and Krystal there, and we all headed in together. Even though we were early, it was okay because we were all there together.

The whole night was such good vibes and so much fun!!! Hanging out with Leila, Krystal, Cory and Chad is always good times, I coincidentally ended up knowing someone else at the party through a family friend, the food was so incredibly delicious, and we were all dancing and just having a good time! Funny enough, even after all these years of knowing Shada, I had no idea she was actually half-Sinhalese – which I happened to find out after hearing her aunt speak it fluently LMAO. It was so cute, once they realized I was also Sinhalese they made me take pictures with her dad and her aunt (so typical of our culture heh). And they gave me so much food to take home, which my entire family was so appreciative of. It was such a good night.

The next day was Radha’s birthday party with her family, but earlier on Adrian had also mentioned to me that one of his best friends Mark was also extending an invitation to me to attend his birthday at Drake Hotel that same night even though Adrian had let him know that I already had a party to attend.

This was the first time that Adrian had invited me out with him to something like this with all of his friends (and their significant others too), so I definitely wanted to be able to compromise somehow and attend both. Luckily, Radha’s family party started early and Mark’s birthday thing was way later on at night, so I would be able to attend both.

Alright, to start with Radha’s birthday party: once I finished work, I went straight over to her house in order to spend as much time there as I could. Simone, Radha’s friend from work, also came through to the party and it was good to see her again because I hadn’t seen her since her own surprise birthday party from this summer.

Simone mentioned that she also had to leave early from the party as well because she had work early the next day, and she said it would be no problem for her to drive me to a nearby subway station so that I could get to downtown with ease, and initially I had happily agreed.

Radha’s birthday was a lot of fun too – she’s got this big massive family who obviously cares so much about her and they were all so nice and welcoming to Simone and I. And Radha was so appreciative about the fact that Simone and I came out to her party, so it was nice to see her that happy.

Later on in the night, I noticed that Simone was a couple glasses of wine in and I started to second-guess whether or not she should drive me (or herself) anywhere. But, she seemed fine and well put-together, so I shrugged it off. Nevertheless, right before we both left I told her that I was totally fine taking an Uber to my destination and that she didn’t need to drive me anywhere. But she was super insistent and swore to me that it was no problem whatsoever, so I conceded and got into the car with her.

At first, everything was fine. She offered to take me all the way to downtown instead since we were already so close by and it would have only taken about twenty minutes (even though I once again insisted that she didn’t have to), but she said she had some good karma to collect and said she wanted to. We were talking as she drove, and all seemed well. But once we got onto the highway… that’s when I finally realized how intoxicated she actually was.

We were on the highway, talking normally, when all of a sudden I noticed that she was starting to veer off to the right… straight towards a cement barrier. I literally stopped talking mid-sentence in complete shock, but I couldn’t even scream or utter a sound. It felt like it was happening in slow motion and yet so quickly at the same time. Right at the last second, she realized what was happening and she veered back into the highway lane.

There was so much adrenaline whisking through my body after that moment that I couldn’t regain the words to speak, let alone comprehend what had just happened. But not shortly after that when we were taking another ramp towards the DVP, she ended up swerving so closely along the metal ramp barrier that I was sure we were going to hit it.

In my head, I was praying to the Universe with all of my might and intention. I promised the powers above that I would never, ever let myself enter another situation like that ever again if Simone and I could just make it through this night alive.

Once we finally got to downtown, I quietly asked her if she’d like to park her car somewhere and come in with me for a little while (and sober up). She refused over and over though, saying she had to get home.

I don’t know her very well – in fact, this is pretty much my third time meeting her. I didn’t know how to tell her she very nearly killed us both, and put a whole bunch of other innocent people’s lives in jeopardy. If it were anyone else, I would have been yelling at the top of my lungs for that person to pull over and even though I DON’T HAVE MY OWN GODDAMN LICENSE, I would have insisted that I drive us to safety.

I honestly don’t know how to say no sometimes, and that whole incident made me realize just how important it is to be able to exercise your own voice. Regardless of how well I knew her or not, I should have said something. Not just for my own well-being but for hers as well. She ended up making it back home okay, but what if she hadn’t? What if something happened to her on the way? It would have been my fault, for not insisting that she come in with me and sober up for bit.

Once I got into the Drake Hotel, I went straight to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. That’s how scared I’d been, that’s how much shock was coursing through my body. NEVER AGAIN. Never again.

All’s well that end’s well, but this was a very important lesson to me. If I love myself and value my life just as much as I say I do, sometimes that means having the hard conversation. Sometimes that means getting uncomfortable, saying no, and standing your ground. I need to remember that.

Anyways, once I calmed down enough I let Adrian know I was there and he came out to meet me. He looked so happy to see me, and despite how I got there, I was glad I made the effort to come out.

He introduced me to some of his friends that I hadn’t met yet, as well as the girlfriends of his best friends. He’s got such a great group of friends honestly – they’re so warm and welcoming, they made me feel so included and it was good vibes right off the bat.

I was a little worried at first because this was the first time that Adrian and I had ever gone out to a place like this, and not to mention with his closest friends too. I didn’t want them to feel like I was monopolizing his time since he was meant to be out with them for Mark’s birthday.

But Adrian was so sweet, and he’s so good at balancing everything out – he made sure he was always by my side, yet still spending time with his friends and connecting with them too. I bought his friends some birthday drinks (it was also Liam’s birthday that night, another one of Adrian’s best friends), and it ended up turning into one of the best nights out I’ve ever had.

Adrian mentioned to me that he couldn’t dance, but HE TOTALLY CAN! And quite well at that. I was busting out all the moves and he was easily keeping up. It was so much fun – with no fucks to be given, we were like those typical teenagers who can’t keep their hands off of each other at the club. I loved it – it’s been a while since I got to have that much fun with someone being out in downtown. And being out with him like that made me realize just how much chemistry we do have – even after half a year of seeing each other, seeing his gorgeous smile and having his body so close to mine in that way, the butterflies were endless and my stomach kept flipping.

There was this moment where he went to go buy a drink at the bar, and I ended up making friends with these two girls out of the blue. When they asked me who I was with, I pointed over to him and both girls were like “HOLY CRAP, GIRL HE’S SO GOOD LOOKING!” LMFAO, drunk girls at clubs are honestly the best. Once he came back over, one of the girls told him I was super gorgeous and that he’d better take care of me, and he acknowledged how lucky he was and promised that he would, aw.

We ended up staying out until the bar closed!!! I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that – I usually end up heading out by midnight (because I’m an old lady now). Once the place shut down, we went to the pizza place that I love that’s just down the street, King Slice.

Now, Adrian and his friends have never been there before and they were there solely because of my recommendation, right? And one of his close friends, Lucas, went to culinary school. Once we got to the pizza place, Lucas called me over and was like “so… I heard that you’ve said this is the best pizza you’ve ever had.” I laughed but I stood by my claim, and he showed me some pictures of the best pizza that he ever had (in New York – *gulp*). So basically, my aptitude for pizza was about to be put to the ultimate test.

Once everyone got their slice and sat down, we all dug in. And guess what. I passed the pizza test, LMAO! Everyone loved it. Even Lucas admitted the pizza was good, and commended the extra garlic sauce that they brushed along the crust (*droooool*).

It was so nice to hang out with all of them. I ended up striking up a conversation with Lucas’ girlfriend, made sure Mark was having enough water to drink, and Adrian seemed so happy that everyone liked the pizza (and liked me!).

I went home with Adrian to spend the night, and we ended up getting back home around 4 am. FOUR AM!!!! I don’t think I’ve stayed out that late since the early days of university, but oh man it was such a good and fun night. I was over the moon that I got along so well with all of Adrian’s friends, and that Adrian had invited me out to something as important as their birthdays. It felt like a great step forward, if that makes sense. Like if there was some kind of invisible check-list, we just checked off a box.

And now this weekend, he’s going to be coming out with me to Leila’s birthday! He’s finally going to meet Cory and Chad. I hope he has just as much fun with me and all my friend as I did with him and his friends.

The next day, he gave me a ride home so that I wouldn’t be too late to work (not that I minded in the slightest – even though we basically got like 2.5 hours of sleep, it was so incredibly amazing to wake up next to him). I like how we work well together; I felt so bad that he had to drive me all the way home from Richmond Hill (the buses weren’t running regularly because it was a Sunday). So to compromise, I asked him to let me pay for gas and got him his coffee just the way he likes it (large black coffee, half cream) so that I could compensate somehow for his generosity. We’re good with trading off, and I like that.

This was Thanksgiving Sunday, and when he dropped me off we made a point of wishing each other Happy Thanksgiving and I told him how thankful I was that I had him in my life, and he felt the same way.

Tomorrow (the 10th), will be exactly six months since our very first date, six months from the 100th day of the year when we sat down together for coffee. I know it’s not a lot, but I guess it just goes to show what can happen in the span of half a year. It took half a year for us to get to this point, half a year for me to fall head over heels, half a year for me to know with complete and utter certainty that I’d love nothing more than to see where this could go, for us. It’s been six months of the best dates I’ve ever been on, six months of laughter and amazing conversations, and six months of the most incredibly magical moments I’ve ever experienced. These six months have been better, more fulfilling, and made me so much happier than the six years of both my previous relationships combined. So you see? Time means nothing.

I’m still in no rush to slap any labels on this or “DTR”. I’m happy. I’m so completely content with our pace. It’s been as amazing as it has been because he and I are both so “go-with-the-flow” that everything has been falling into place of its own accord and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

Everything will happen as its meant to and when it’s meant to, just as it has been for the past half of this year. I have complete faith in this, and in us.

Anyways, moving onwards! After work that day, Trevor came over to have dinner with our family since his birthday was the next day. I know he and Olivia have been going through a bit of a rough patch as of late, but they finally sat down and had the conversation that they’ve needed to have all along.

Relationships aren’t always easy man. Especially when it’s two people who are trying to work on themselves, yet share what they know of themselves with each other. When two WIP’s (“work-in-progress” – I’m totally going to coin this term, just like “bruise-y”) get together, they have to be completely and utterly honest with both themselves and one another. If the WIP’s want to make it work, then they have to know, understand and accept that they can’t rely on the other to heal the wounds they have within themselves; those wounds have to be healed for themselves and by themselves, first and foremost.

I definitely think that two WIP’s can get together and make it work – in fact, I think all of us are WIP’s to a certain extent since we’re constantly growing and learning. I also think that sometimes baggage can get a little easier to bear when you’re carrying it alongside someone who’s encouraging you to be your best self. But it’s a whole other story when two people (who are completely unaware that they’re WIP’s with a ton of baggage and wounds) get together and start depending on one another to the extent that it becomes unhealthy. You can’t pass off all your shit onto someone else in the hopes they’ll carry it for you if they’ve got shit of themselves to deal with. And even if they don’t and they’ve dealt with their shit – it’s still not fair to expect someone to heal you.

Well, that was an interesting tangent. What I meant by all of that was – Trevor and Olivia sat down and acknowledged to one another that they’re both WIP’s. But rather than using that as a reason to not be together, they decided to each write down a list of compromises and things they could do differently to accommodate each other while they work on themselves. See? Healthy! And very transparent, and vulnerable. They re-worked their priorities to reflect maintaining school and work (and so they wouldn’t see each other as often as they were before), but also included an emphasis on communication and honesty. They’re both such great people individually and I honestly think they can make it work and be happy together – as long as they continue to be honest with themselves and one another.

So yeah, Trevor’s birthday dinner went great! (Is basically where I was going with all of that, LMAO).

And last but not least – the annual Thanksgiving dinner with all the cousins and family peeps.

We only really ever see each other during special occasions, summer and birthdays now, but each and every time we get together it’s always like nothing’s changed. We catch up, we fill each other in about what’s passed and what we’ve missed in each other’s lives, and then we end up in these incredible conversations about life and relationships and so much more. It’s always so good, and such good vibes.

We’re all in the midst of our adulthood now, in the best years of our lives. I made a little speech yesterday before lunch about how blessed and privileged we are to be able to partake in this tradition with one another, and I truly meant every word; I’m so grateful that I have my little family, and I hope that we always find our way to one another for the rest of our lives.

The food was so fucking good by the way. It was probably the best Thanksgiving meal I’ve ever had – Emily went ham (literally) and made the most amazing corn casserole, mashed potatoes, warm-out-the-oven cheese biscuits, macaroni and cheese, and so many other amazing dishes that perfectly complemented the deliciously seasoned turkey and ham.

Which, speaking of, I’m about to devour the leftovers of as soon as I finish this log hehe.

Each and every day of October thus far as been absolutely incredible, just like I knew it would be. I can’t wait to see what the rest of this month holds in store!!! I can’t believe it’s all been unfolding in the exact ways I knew it would – but how can I not believe it, when the Universe is constantly on my side?

I’m truly so thankful for each and every aspect that my life entails. I couldn’t be more blessed. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love always and in all ways,

Me.

 

Day 272 to 274 – September 29th to October 1st, 2018

IT’S OFFICIALLY OCTOBER 1ST, 2018 AND IT’S SO EXCITING TO BE ABLE TO TYPE THAT! TODAY MARKS THE START OF WHAT’S BOUND TO BE ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING, MAGICAL, FANTASTIC, AMAZING MONTHS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY AND I CAN’T EXPLAIN TO YOU WHERE THIS FEELING IS COMING FROM BUT I GUARANTEE YOU – MARK MY WORDS NOW – THIS MONTH IS GOING TO BE PHENOMENALLY INCREDIBLE!

Yes, my level of excitement required- nay, demanded- that I write the entire first paragraph in all caps as to denote a shouting tone.

It’s been a great start thus far! I spent this rainy chilly day at home, studying away in preparation for an upcoming midterm I have in the midst of this week (which I’m actually kind of excited for because it’s one of my favourite classes and I know this exam is going to be a cake-walk). [Side note – where does the phrase “cake-walk” originate from? I must remind myself to look this up afterwards].

This entire month is jam-packed with so much incredible fun stuff that I must, must, MUST remember to take time to myself to rest, reset and recuperate. I’m slowly getting better from that cold I got now and I don’t want to take my health for granted; without it, I won’t be able to fully enjoy and partake in all the things I want to this month.

Like this weekend, after my exam, I have Shada’s birthday party Friday night, Radha’s birthday party on Saturday night, and then Monday, all the cousins and families are getting together for our annual Thanksgiving dinner and shenanigans which I’m SO EXCITED FOR!

And then the weekend after this one is Leila’s birthday, and then the weekend after that is my birthday weekend (off to the cottage), and then the weekend after that is Halloween weekend, which I’m sure we’ll find something to do!!

Not to mention, during my birthday week I also have the Florence and the Machine concert to look forward to as well as the day of my birthday (Denny’s again? Who knows!) BEFORE the cottage weekend so that week is going to be nuts in itself.

…holy crap this month is literally going to fly by, isn’t it?

I promise, promise myself that I will do my best to enjoy each and every single moment I find myself in, while I’m in it. Or else I’m going to blink and end up in November, wondering where the whole month went. I also promise to write as much as possible as I can within this month because I genuinely don’t want to miss or forget about a single bit of it!

Anyways, this past weekend already got off to a pretty great start – Chad, Radha, Olivia and I went to an overnight art fest in downtown and between the four of us, it was actually such good vibes! We were like, telepathically connected at one point; on the train, we were all standing in different places and not talking but I swear I could hear what everyone was thinking when we all made eye contact (but also, we had a lot of edibles LMAO).

Here’s the thing though – later on in the night, Avery ended up joining us and at first, everything seemed fine. In fact, it was so good to see him again and I so badly wanted to catch up.

But… something was off, I don’t know. Maybe it was because of how loud and busy the night was. Or maybe it was the fact that Avery was being quite mean to Chad, like excessively so. At first it was just harmless teasing, but then as the night went on it got a little much to the point that I had to reassure Chad that Avery was just joking (even though I myself was quite taken aback).

Avery just, seemed different. We do have plans to hang out next week, so I’m intending to bring this up with him in person.

I know people change – no one stays the same over time. But like, it’s only been about two months or so since I’ve seen Avery last. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the meanwhile, but I definitely have to say something next week when we hang out. Especially since it’s super important to me that everyone feel welcome and comfortable during my birthday weekend at the cottage – the last thing I want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in any way, shape or form. Good vibes only!

Okay. One last thing before I wrap this up.

I know I tend to have trouble both starting and finishing things that I want to do. I say I want to do something, and I usually a) never get around to doing it or b) I start it, but never get around to finishing it.

But when it comes to my book…

There are relentless signs from the Universe constantly coming my way, reassuring me that this is what I’m meant to do. I have people giving me business cards of authors, I have people communicating to me via the people closest to me about networking and connections, I even have authors themselves somehow connecting with me out of the blue. Now more than ever, people are reaching out to me and asking me for advice that could easily be accessible through the book I know I can write. All signs are pointing to the fact that the Universe is indeed conspiring with me to make this happen… so why am I not doing my part? Why haven’t I started?

I keep saying I have no time, but have I really sat down and given myself the opportunity to do so? No, honestly I haven’t.

Maybe it’s because a part of me is afraid. Thing is with that though – I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to be afraid. This is what I was meant to do. The minute I decide to really touch pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), it’s going to flow out of me in the exact ways it was meant to.

I want it to be perfect – but it absolutely will be, for everything that it is! This is so incredibly important to me, and I keep saying that, but my actions are not reflecting it. I have to change that. This month is going to change everything.

Next week is my reading week, but maybe I can treat it as my “writing” week too – and really get started on writing this book.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself opening up a fresh new document, and really giving myself a chance to start. And it feels good, it feels so exciting and right and amazing.

I want this. I have to do this. I was meant to. This is my Personal Legend.

Anyways, that’s about all I shall say for tonight! I’ll write sometime this week, probably after my exam but before this weekend for sure.

Here’s to what’s bound to be an incredible month, and to being present within every single moment of it.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 262 to 271 – September 19th to 28th

Hello! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written last, and I’ve got quite a bit to update myself on at this point, but mostly all good stuff on the bright side! I honestly don’t even know what I wrote about last, but I suppose this is a good time to basically wrap up how the rest of this month went – I can’t believe it’s practically over!

Let’s see… so last week, I worked full-time because my team went away and I was left in charge. Did we manage to get that target done?

You BEST BELIEVE WE DID! Not only that, we successfully achieved the target that I personally set out for, which was over-plan. But holy shit, was it ever hard. For some reason towards the end of the week, it turned into an all out warfare between my team and I versus Ali.

He was blatantly trying to sabotage us, no doubt for his own personal gain, and honestly at some times it got really testy. Thank goodness I can maintain perspective and know that there are much more important things in life than just achieving a target in sales, but truthfully the reason that this week became so important to me was because I wanted to achieve this target for Maria.

She reminds me sooooo much of my own mom – hard-working, honest, diligent, with a massive soft heart underneath what seems like a tough exterior. I wanted her to enjoy this trip stress-free because she so truly deserved to be on it for all of the hard work she does. This job is not just a job to her – it’s the way she puts food on the table, the means by which she pays for her daughter’s extensive US tuition costs, and so much more. Not to mention, she fought hard to get me the job I now currently have, the job that pays for all my trips and allows me the freedom to do what I want and live how I’d like.

I usually don’t concern myself too much with my job – I very much enjoy it, but I never, ever care about it as deeply as everyone else does in my department, and I truthfully believe that that’s how I maintain my good terms with everyone, and my sanity.

But this week was a bit of a different story, and I’ll openly admit that I cared a little more than I usually do, all for a good cause.

We did it though! We did it, and then I was able to have some days off from work. Only for some reason, it didn’t really feel like days off – I’m not sure what I did, I know I had school and I was busy and spending time with people and what not. Either way, long story short is that it’s all caught up with me to a certain extent and my body sent me a very serious series of warnings this past week. But more on that later.

Earlier this week, Adrian and I spent some time together after I finally got some time to myself, and oh man how incredible it was. He made a point of holding me close and making sure I was relaxed and stress-free, especially after taking the time to listen to me vent about the week before. He’s so ridiculously sweet and attentive to the littlest of details – he made me waffles, and he was curiously watching me as I cut them into eighths LOL. I like that he both enjoys and notes my weird little quirks.

We got into a really deep discussion about the nature of fear, and he made some valid points that helped me to see fear in a completely different way. I was telling him how much I disliked fear, because I felt that fear held us back in life. He saw it a different way – he claimed that he couldn’t imagine living life in any kind of “-less”. Fearless, painless, etc. When I asked why, he explained that without those things, we wouldn’t quite be able to value certain things. For example, nothing would require “bravery” anymore, if we were fearless. How would we know the true value of an act if we didn’t face our fear to get to the other side? What would courage count for? Being completely fearless, how would we know when something was truly important?

I like that he makes me think in different ways like this. Actually, I more than like it, I love it so and I appreciate so much that we can have conversations like that. I can’t imagine having it any other way at this point.

There were these cute little moments while we were hanging out that I want to make note of for myself – like when we were talking about periods, and how women can get pretty cray-cray during that time of month, and we were joking that it must be impossible to maintain relationships with girls who had it that bad. I was telling him about how I cried over a bug being in the microwave, and how I tend to get rather emotional when I’m close to or on my period. And as though he were thinking out loud to himself, he was like, “okay that’s not that bad! I can handle stuff like that”. (Phew).

And there was this one point where we were talking about our age difference, and I was marvelling at the fact that when I was in grade 11, he was in grade 8!!! (Holy crap I really am such a cougar). And then he was like, “yeah but when you’re 87 and I’m 84, then look who’ll be laughing…” and HOLY CRAP, I was SO HAPPY, but I tried so hard to rein it in and just laughed it off. It’s quite funny how happy it makes me when he even slightly relates to any point in the future when it comes to us.

Anyways, that was earlier on in the week – half way through the week, Maria finally came back and she was so happy about the fact that we managed to hit our target! It was so nice to see such a massive smile on her face, she’d enjoyed her time away in Italy so, so much and it warmed my heart to see her that stress-free.

And then yesterday, Adrian and I had planned earlier on in the week to go to a Fall Fair that was happening close to where he lived. But when yesterday came around…

Okay, this is what had happened. Through the week, we weren’t texting too much (not that we do that often as it is, which I’ve already grown accustomed to). But then the day of, he still hadn’t said anything about our plans, and yet another one of my old wounds came to the forefront.

Once upon a time when I was in my relationship with Nick, there were times where we would make plans with one another… and then he’d completely forget. And me being in the fragile, self-loathing, insecure person I once was, I’d completely break down. All that it meant to me was that I didn’t matter to him, that I wasn’t a priority, that I wasn’t important enough to remember, even if it was just plans to hang out.

So yesterday morning when I woke up and I wasn’t sure whether or not he’d remembered if we had plans, my anxiety got triggered due to this old wound that I had no idea still resided within me.

When he finally texted, I was cautious and afraid. Did he remember? Had he forgotten? Was he going to cancel?

Ultimately, he did remember and didn’t cancel, but even then my anxiety wasn’t going away. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t as much a priority to him that he was to me. (I know, this sounds crazy – but when your thoughts start to take over, it can take you to places that seem completely “logical”, even when they’re not.)

I also think it was residual anxiety from not making time for myself in quite sometime, but nevertheless this was the matter at the forefront of my mind.

Later on in the day when I was finally about to leave, I texted him to let him know that I was headed out. As I was walking towards the bus stop, all of a sudden he called. I answered, and the first thing he abruptly said was that his dad was unexpectedly returning back from his Italy trip that evening, and that I couldn’t sleep over. I was kind of caught off guard (I hadn’t been intending to stay over anyways) so I kind of stammered out a meek “okay”, before hanging up.

I knew that he was kind of worried about his new kitten being at home when his dad came back (seeing as his dad had no idea that Adrian had gotten her at all), so I stopped and sat at the bleachers in the field in my neighbourhood, and asked him if he wanted to reschedule and that I wouldn’t mind at all if he did.

But honestly? My anxiety was kicked into overdrive for some reason. I don’t know if it was because of the way he sounded over the phone, but suddenly I didn’t want to go anymore. I messaged Olivia that I was freaking out, and what she said made so much sense. I had talked to her about it earlier, and this is what she had to say:

“I think if your anxiety is stemming from the conclusion that you came to what you’re not high on his list of priorities (remember, that’s not concrete based on your inferences) then I think you’re holding yourself back and feeling anxious because you’re actually afraid of getting hurt which you can’t blame yourself for but at the same time, not going might be giving into your old fears and retreating back to old you, you know?

Like you said, it’s always so nice when you get to spend time together, but remember to keep in mind that maybe this is his way of protecting himself too – especially after being so fresh out of a long relationship, you know? So as much as he cares about you and you about him and despite how well you guys get along, it won’t be without some obstacles. But, he clearly still wants to spend time with you! And you know that he likes you A LOT. Don’t let that fear overrule all that.”

At the exact same time she was saying all of that, Adrian was assuring me he still wanted to hang out and he was sure it’d all be fine. He even apologized for how he came off on the phone – he’d been sleeping when his brother called him with the news that his dad was flying in, and woken up in a panic as a result.

Olivia was right. I was scared, and not for all those little surface reasons. I was scared because once upon a time, I was the person who seemingly cared more, and I’m the one who ended up hurt in that situation (with Nick). And so as a result, I’d unassumingly developed a fear of any kind of imbalance when it comes to emotions and reciprocity.

I am so completely certain of how I feel about Adrian. Yeah, it didn’t take long and frankly, I don’t give a shit. You don’t go through what I’ve gone through in this life and not end up knowing who you are and what you want from life, what you want from others or what you’re looking for when it comes to being with someone.

I’ve spent the past year and a half of my life carefully cultivating exactly who I wanted to be, what I wanted from my life, and re-working every single aspect of my self and my life that I could no longer tolerate or live with. I broke down, burst into flames and rose up from the ashes a new person completely. Yes, I still have old wounds I’m clearly working on. Yes, there are still some ghosts that haunt me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t see this for what it is.

I kind of feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother – I’m not done the series yet, but from what I gather, Ted is telling the story of how he met “the one” – the mother of his kids, the woman he relentlessly searched for, the woman who fulfilled everything he was searching for right down to the littlest of details that were so specific, it’s almost as though she were specifically made for him.

I’m still getting to know Adrian, but right now that’s what it feels like. He’s perfect for me in ways I couldn’t have even thought I could possibly thought of for myself in someone else – the multilingualism, the way he pursued what he loved in school (his history degree, a subject that I myself always had a love for growing up), the fact that he can quite literally cook my favourite food in the whole world because THAT’S WHERE HE’S FROM. How? How did I meet someone like this? And how do I explain the magic that surrounds this, all the “coincidences” that keep happening, the similarities that we share? From the paper with the inexplicable words that his mom left in her drawer that I just happened to quote, to finding a course taught by someone with my name and his last name, a course called “Energy”, and the course code being the date of my birthday???

Can you see why I feel the way I feel? Why I’m so certain of this? Because, in the past year and a half of my life while I was dead set on rewiring myself, I also began to learn about the Universal Language of the World, the “synchronicities”, the vibrational energy, how to read the signs and see the omens and listen to my innermost self, my intuition. Why did I come across all of that and learn it in the ways that I did, if not also for this? If not for preparing me for meeting someone like this?

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m overreaching, maybe I’m just a die-hard eternal romantic and I always will be. Or maybe… just maybe… it’s more than that.

So why am I so afraid?

Because I’m scared that I’m the only one who feels like this. I’m scared that he’s nowhere near as certain as I am. I’m scared that this is so much more important to me (as a result of this certainty), than it is to him.

And that’s what I was dealing with while I was sitting there on those bleachers.

Eventually though, Olivia’s words got through to me. If I couldn’t be “fearless”, then I could at least be brave. I decided to fight through my fear and go to see him despite my brain screaming at me to go back home.

Because a part of me knows that while my fear is showing me how important this is, it’s also stemming from a place of attachment to the outcome. And I can’t live my life that way. I have to keep reminding myself – NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH THIS, here is where I learned that life can reward you beautifully for truly taking the time to get to know and love yourself, no holds barred. I met this incredible, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, sexy as hell, ridiculously hilarious, bright, positive, honest, and amazing human being because at some point in my life, I decided to do better for me.

And you know what? We ended up having the one of the most incredible dates we’d been on thus far.

The Fall Fair was everything I could have possibly imagined, and then some. Granted, at first I was a little bit quiet because I was still trying to work through the residual anxiety, but as we settled into our date the anxiety dissipated. He makes me feel at home, from the way that he looks at me to the ways that he makes me smile.

Side note – I GOT TO PET A FREAKING HORSE. ACTUALLY, NOT ONE HORSE BUT TWO!! TWO HORSES!!!! Their noses were so soft, omg.

He was so sweet and romantic – we wandered around the grounds hand in hand, and he even asked me if I wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel with him (which I absolutely did). And after we got off the Ferris Wheel, there was this incredibly beautiful display of fireworks over the fair grounds, and he just held me while we watched. Afterwards we kissed, and he said that he much preferred the “fireworks” from our kiss than the ones we’d just seen and I quite nearly melted into a puddle.

And just like that, all the anxiety I’d felt earlier on in the day became a distant memory.

It’s okay if I feel the way I feel right now, and he’s not quite there yet. It’s okay if I’m this certain and he’s not – I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with where I am and who I am. He just got out of five years of being with someone else. We’ve only been seeing each other for about six months now, and I have to bear in mind that he may need more time. In the meanwhile, I truly am perfectly happy with him, with everything we are right now. And again, no matter what happens with this, I’ve learnt so much and I’ve never experienced this kind of contentment with anyone, not in either one of my two three-year long relationships. I’m grateful, and I couldn’t be happier. He treats me like a queen, and in all the exact ways I deserve to be treated.

I choose to see my fear regarding this as a way of understanding that this is important to me. But I won’t let it hold me back, or keep me away from this. And when the time is right and I’m truly ready, I’ll tell him all of this.

But for now, we have this. We have these magical moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

And that’s that, for now.

Anyways, this log took a lot longer than I thought it would! I wanted to mention that everything kind of caught up to me today (I went home sick from work), but honestly I’m feeling a lot better. I think I just needed sleep and a day to myself. I have to remember to keep “me” up there on my list of priorities, or else everything else will begin to go awry as a result.

I’ve got work this weekend, but I’m also looking forward to getting out and about with my friends! I’m finally seeing Avery after like a month of radio silence, and I’m hoping that all is well with him and that this means he’s finally ready to come back out of hiding, LOL. I’ve missed him!

I definitely want to write more often in October – I still have the feeling it’s going to be a doozy of a month, and I can’t wait! I’ll do my best to write when I can.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 257 to 261 – September 14th to 18th, 2018

As of today, there’s officially one more month until my birthday!!!! Wow, 26. I’m turning 26. I’m leaving behind the cushy comfort of my early and mid-twenties and barreling forwards towards my… thirties. It sounds like such a foreign concept to me, to think that by next year it’ll have been nine years since I’ve graduated high school. I’m so incredibly excited for what lies in store for me though! 25 has been so incredibly good to me – there have been a multitude of lessons, of memories, of good times and laughter. But I’ll save the reminiscing for the day before my birthday, as I normally do.

I feel like this October is going to be one of the best months, not only of this year but of my entire life. It’s that same anticipatory feeling I got at the beginning of this year, that feeling that made me know that this year was going to be this amazing. I can’t explain it – it’s just something I know. I’m so incredibly excited for it all!

I’ve started re-reading The Alchemist today. Adrian gave it back to me yesterday, and I just felt like it finally found its way back to me for a reason. Maybe to remind me of something I’ve lost, or to help me remember something I’ve known all along. We’ll see.

Lately I’ve only been writing when I feel like I’m in dire need of it, but today I had some time and I decided I wanted to write for the heck of it, just the way that I used to.

So how have things been? How have I been?

Everything has been really good honestly! Work isn’t overwhelming me the way a small part of me thought it would, and I’m finding more ways to have time to myself. I’m still doing my best to keep up with everyone in my life, and at the same time making sure that I have time for me.

I meditated for the first time in a long time last night, and it felt AMAZING. I need to start doing that regularly again, in order to sharpen my intuition and manifest my reality that much more quickly and efficiently.

Anyways, I think that’s about it I want to write for tonight! I’m just going to relax and unwind because tomorrow is bound to be a busy day.

May this last month of being 25 be just as incredible as this year has been to me. I’m sure it will be!

Love always,

Me.

Day 249 to 256 – September 6th to 13th, 2018

Hello! It’s been quite a little while since I’ve written last, but you know what I was thinking actually? I haven’t really written this year as much as I did last year, interestingly enough. I feel like it’s a good thing though, like I made note of the most important things that have happened and all the little ways in which I’ve grown within this past year.

It’s gotten so busy! I forgot how time-consuming it is to juggle school and working almost full-time on top of everything else I do for myself. I mean, it hasn’t become overwhelming or anything (little voice in my head sneakily says “yet”) but so far, so good. In fact, it feels nice to be this busy sometimes – the days pass by quicker and they feel more full, and it’s also teaching me on the fly how to manage my time better. Because if I don’t, then I’m going to end up feeling like I don’t have enough of it, when really I do – it’s just a matter or budgeting it wisely.

I’ve taken up drawing again as an outlet! Every night after I come home from either work or school, I set aside an hour or so before I go to sleep to just listen to music, quiet my mind, and draw away. And I’ve also started bringing my book with me to school so that if I have any free time in between classes, I have something other to do than just watch Netflix, heh.

Here’s the thing though – I haven’t really had much time to start my book. It’s still there in my head, collecting dust and eagerly waiting to be brought to life. But I don’t know… for some reason, I can’t bring myself to really start. I want it to be a priority, but I have so much on my plate lately that I can’t give it the time it deserves. So what I want to do somehow, is cut down my hours at work just a bit more. On top of having school, trying to go to the gym time to time, drawing, writing when I can, spending time with people and keeping up with everyone in my life, I’d like more time to designate to my book because it’s very, very important to me.

I don’t like that work still feels like a focal point to me right now. It’s supposed to be a part time job, something that I do for temporary financial reasons while I focus on everything else in my life. I very much enjoy what I do there and I’m so grateful for the job, I just don’t want it to be the thing that takes up most of my time and energy when there’s so much else I have to and want to do for myself.

So when Maria gets back from vacation, I’ll give her a gentle nudge to remind her that I only want about 20 to 25 hours a week, rather than the 30-40 she’s still giving me. I can’t work full-time, do school full-time, maintain my relationship and friendships, take care of my overall well-being AND do the things I like to do for myself, all at once; I know my capacity and working full-time right now just can’t be a thing.

This week is the only exception – my whole team is going on their trip to Italy and Maria’s leaving me charge of the whole week they’re away, from sales to designating the rest of the team who’s staying behind with me for coverage. Basically, I’m taking over the counter manager position temporarily. I have to do it because out of everyone, I’m the one who’s been there the longest and who knows how things work. So the week’s $7000 dollar target is essentially reliant upon me and how well I can co-ordinate the rest of the team.

I’m not worried. I know the Universe has my back. I can’t control anything outside of me, only how I react and perceive things from within. I’m truly going to do the best I can do and put my leadership skills to use, but that’s about it. I’m not going to go above and beyond, nor am I going to take it upon myself or worry about the targets or anything of the sort. I know my priorities and I know what’s important to me. Ultimately, as long as I do my best, it doesn’t really matter what else ends up happening. Nevertheless, I have complete faith that absolutely everything will work out amazingly well, as everything has been for me since I’ve introduced The Secret into my life. The Universe is constantly looking out for me and having things work out in my favour. I need nothing more.

It feels really nice to write again. I forgot how soothing it is for me to do these self check-ins, I forget time and time again as life picks up its pace.

Maintaining perspective is an interesting thing. I know what I know, I’ve read what I’ve read, and yet as I go about my days I find myself having to constantly remind myself that this is all temporary (and possibly a simulation!!!) and that nothing matters as much as we make it out to matter. (Stressful things, worrisome things, fears and anxieties). The more I let go of my attachment to the unnecessary, the more at peace I find myself. Every exchange, every conversation and every interaction I have becomes a learning experience in itself as I observe myself more and more.

Everything is energy. I want to go where mine takes me, as I continuously learn to listen to my inner voice and deepest self. As time goes on though, I can feel “old me” becoming a distant memory – those ego-driven impulses and reactive patterns are steadily losing their potency as I actively work on re-wiring myself.

For example – Radha and I finally hung out since I’ve got back from vacation and at first, it seemed really nice! She apologized if it felt like she was continuing on about herself, and she seemed to be in a better place now than she was when we last hung out in August – much more go with the flow and open to the possibility of things rather than so attached to the process and outcome.

But then as we were walking back to her car, she said something that in retrospect could have easily thrown me off completely had I not been mindful about my reactions.

So she’s currently seeing a new guy, and things are going well thus far. And lately, I’ve been doing my best to consistently remind her to love herself and build herself up, encourage her. As we were walking, I mentioned to her that she looked great and guys were checking her out left and right.

And seemingly out of the blue, she suddenly mentioned that she’d shown a picture of me to the guy she’s seeing, and told him about how gorgeous I was. And then she said that he looked at me and went, “eh, she’s alright”. To which she replied to him, “why, is it because I’m prettier?”, and he replied back something along the lines about how I was “okay” but he much preferred her features over mine, or something like that.

At first, I actually didn’t know what to say. I quickly affirmed that she was indeed beautiful and didn’t need to doubt it and left it at that, but my mind was reeling honestly.

It hurt man! And no, not because of some irrelevant dude’s opinion which I couldn’t care less about. It hurt because Radha and I are supposed to be friends!!!! We’re supposed to be building each other up, encouraging each other and helping each other grow. I understand where it came from, I really do – I get that somewhere in her mind, she feels like she’s got to compare herself to me in some extent as a measure of personal success, but it’s also at my expense.

I’m very happy with myself and I love me deeply – but that doesn’t mean it’s cool to show some random dude my picture and then proceed to put me down in order to build yourself up. In any relationship, you pull each other through rather than race towards some invisible finish line that doesn’t exist.

I know she’s not doing it intentionally – in fact, I know she’s a really, really good person with absolutely amazing intentions and a kind soul. She wouldn’t hurt a fly if it didn’t bother her. But I also know that people who aren’t completely whole in themselves aren’t quite aware of the ways they use other people.

People who aren’t ready for relationships (namely people who don’t completely and wholly love themselves, who have taken the time to understand the inner mechanics of their minds and reactive patterns, people who don’t care to cultivate their thoughts and emotions to become self-aware, people who haven’t taken the proper measures to heal their past wounds for themselves) end up taking it out on their partner. They use their significant other as an emotional punching bag, sometimes without even realizing. But what they fail to realize is that by not taking the time to heal and love themselves, their latent pain is inevitably causing pain to those closest to them.

It’s like this quote I recently read: “if you don’t take the time to heal your past wounds, you will end up bleeding all over those who never cut you in the first place.”

Right now, Radha is kind of sort of bleeding on me without even realizing it. In her mind, there are some aspects of our friendship that are more so a competition than something we can build upon together.

If I wasn’t aware of this, if it were old me in this situation, I’d let it slide and inevitably end up building an unconscious resentment towards her. Instead, when the time is right, I’m going to talk to her about this as gently as I can. Sometimes people aren’t aware of the things they do or say or the effects they have on others until it’s pointed out to them. So, I want to act from a place of compassion and care and let her know that I’m here as a friend to encourage her to be her best self, and in turn she truly does not need to put me down or use me as a stepping stone in order to ensure her idea of self-appreciation and self-esteem.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that! Before I go, I’m going to conclude this on a nice high note and talk about the last time Adrian and I hung out, quite recently.

It had been awhile since he and I had hung out before that – I hadn’t seen him since our CNE date at the end of August, and we were well into September. I started school and was juggling work on top of it all, and he had back to back shifts and crazy hours that didn’t allow us an opportunity to see each other or even talk as much as we normally do.

I was beginning to let old doubts creep in again – my inner peace was disturbed as I began to imagine the worst. In retrospect it seems almost silly, but in those moments it was all I could think about (because I let myself lose control of my thoughts and consequently, my emotions). I began to even dread possibly seeing him next, fearing he didn’t want to hang out because he was potentially losing feelings.

(Side note – do you see how our minds can turn on us and become our worst enemies over practically nothing!?!?!?! Do you see how important it is to cultivate a steady stream of positive thinking, as well as be mindful of your thoughts? If you even let a single negative thought in, it’s like letting a spark catch on the edge of a forest – you’re sure to start a blaze hot enough to burn ALL the trees down. And who in their right mind wants to do that to themselves?!)

Fear is awful. It twists and turns even the most radical and ridiculous thoughts into ideas that seem almost real or tangible, when in reality they’re not. Fear is the monster in the closet, the toxic friend who pretends to have our best interests at heart when really, it just wants us to itself.

So how do you counter fear?

Faith. Faith, trust and love. Faith is the beam of light that illuminates even the darkest and unreachable corners of the closet. Trusting in the process is the hard conversation you have with that toxic friend that finally cuts ties with it. Love is the shield that protects you from thoughts and emotions that serve you no use – negative thoughts have nowhere to grow or spread when love is the frequency you operate on.

When we finally did end up making plans, I felt nervous that whole day. So instead of feeding my fears, I decided to feed my faith instead. I said openly to myself that I had complete faith in whatever was meant to be, and meant for me. I decided to trust in the process – so what if we hadn’t been texting as much lately? It didn’t matter, and I knew better than to hold stock in texting patterns or even content. What matters most to me is our in-person interactions, the ones where I can hear his voice and see the look in his eyes as he gazes as me.

And I chose love – I chose to remain vulnerable, to maintain the excited “tone” in my texts, even to come up with a little surprise for him instead of expecting the worst (an old defense mechanism I will no longer partake in).

Guess which side of me was right? Do you think my fears were valid at all? Or that I was right to have faith, to stay vulnerable, and trust the process?

If you picked the latter, you’re absolutely right. And ultimately, so was I.

Once we saw each other, all was well. It was exactly as it’s always been. In fact, in person he made a point of telling me how much he’d missed me and how amazing I looked. He ended up surprising me by taking me to his favourite Italian restaurant in another town, he’d even made a reservation for it. Everything I needed to know was in the way he looked at me. In fact, I could barely look his way because he was gazing at me so much that it made me nervous, heh.

We had an incredible night, and spent the majority of the next day together as well. We ended up in amazing conversations as per usual – but this time, I was making a point of being more vulnerable and more honest, challenging myself. I got to ask him a ton of questions I’ve been mulling over in my mind, about his family and about his mom passing from cancer, about his friendships and about his relationship with his dad. We talked about his deepest dreams for himself, and I opened up about the state of my own friendships too.

Later on when we were simply lying together and enjoying each other’s company, I pushed myself to be even more vulnerable than I was used to; I asked him if it ever freaked him out, how much it seemed like we’d known each other for so long even though it’d only been about five months of seeing one another. He replied that he was still mind-boggled by our similarities and the coincidences that surround us, and I agreed. But then I took it a step further and admitted that for what seemed like such a short time… I’d fallen for him quite a bit. “Like… a lot”, were the exact words I used, LOL.

At first it was quiet, and all I could hear was my heart racing into the silence. Then I felt him shift and sit up – he gently pulled me forward so that he could kiss me ever so sweetly, and then told me that he likes me a lot, too. It was a perfect heart-stopping magical moment that made me so, so incredibly happy.

It also proved to me how amazing and incredible it can be to be vulnerable with someone. We go about life with all these walls up, trying to protect ourselves from pain (yet another by-product of fear). But in actuality, the beauty of life, real intimacy, and the ability to truly connect with another soul comes from our capacity to be vulnerable. Chances are if we’re the first to let our walls down, the other person’s walls come down too. (And even if they don’t that’s okay, because lowering your own walls is a sign of personal strength and all we’re really trying to do in this life is be our best selves, right?)

Anyways, as a result I’m so much more at peace with pretty much every aspect of my life now. He openly admitted he’s a horrible texter – he’s got messages from his close friends from over a week ago that he has yet to respond to. As much as he tries to make me a priority, life gets in the way sometimes. And you know what? I don’t care.

Because I can feel how much he’s missed me when he’s holding me close in person. I can see how deeply he cares about me when we’re talking about life, when he’s asking me about the things that matters to me and listening intently. Because when we’re together, he makes me feel like the only woman in the world. Because he makes me feel like a goddess, because he respects me deeply and he makes a point of telling me how much he appreciates having me in his life. Because of the ways he makes me laugh and always keeps a smile on my face. Because of how the way he kisses me makes my head spin, a euphoric daze I can feel all the way down to the tips of my fingers and toes.

Those are the things I need. Most people have “wants” they think they need fulfilled as a measurement to how much someone else may care about them. Adrian fulfills the core of my needs, the things I can’t compromise on. Everything else, I don’t care for. In fact, I like all the little ways that he’s not perfect. Because in every other way… he’s perfect, for me.

And so, I am at ease. More than anything, I truly believe he and I were meant to meet. In fact, I feel like the Universe almost bended in order to have our paths collide. How else can you explain the series of circumstances that led us to meeting one another, and the synchronicities surrounding us since?

I need to remember this, and continue to feed my faith. Continue to trust this amazingly beautiful process, and stay vulnerable.

Wow! What a great log this turned into. I forgot how much I actually love talking to myself, LMAO. I hope this is how people feel after talking to me too!

I’m going to draw this to a close now. I don’t know when I’m going to write next – tomorrow begins my series of shifts, I’ll pretty much be working every single day until they get back and doing full-time hours. On the bright side, Leila and I are going to have dinner together and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to catch up with her and spend some time with her. I appreciate her presence in my life and I’m so in awe in how much we’ve grown together.

Fack, one more thing before I go – speaking of my friendships, it kind of feels like Avery has been distancing himself lately, but I can’t speak too much on that because it’s mostly an assumption on my part. I’ve messaged him, and in our last conversation it didn’t seem like he was in a great place so I’m kind of concerned for him. I trust his process though, if he’s going through any hardship I’m sure it’ll only serve to grow him further. I’ll definitely ask him to hang out some time and really see how he’s doing.

Okay, that’s it! Wish me luck for this upcoming week, it’s going to be a doozy! But a good week, nonetheless.

Wishing you tons of light and love and laughter!

Love always,

Me.

Day 242 to 248 – August 30th to September 5th, 2018

Well helloooooo September! It’s been a great start to the month I must say, but holy crap I can’t believe we’re in the final third of this year! I’m almost a little sad – this year has been so, so incredibly good that a part of me doesn’t want it to end. But, I do know that as time goes on, things can only get better regardless of what point in time we’re in or what year it currently is. (Still – 2018, you’ve been hella good to me).

I’ve got quite a little bit to catch up on; Adrian and I went to the CNE together, I went back to work, and I’ve officially began school today! August drew to a close in the loveliest way possible and September has started off with a refreshing bang.

And today in itself contained a multitude of little realizations and lessons that I’d quite like to make note of, so onwards with the catching up!

Let’s see…

So after my last log, I did do exactly as I said I would – I packed up some stuff and headed straight over to Adrian’s, where we were finally reunited once more (LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIS).

No but seriously though – it was sooooooooo good to see him, I’d missed him a lot. And I got to meet his new kitten!!! She’s the sweetest little thing, so playful and affectionate and they’re so perfect for one another. He’s literally like a proud new dad – he got so happy and excited whenever she did something new or different, and it melted my heart every single time. Sighhhhhhhhhh.

Anyways, we went to the CNE together and it was so much fun! I like how alike we are in the way we do things and what we want – we pretty much went straight for the food, LMAO. After that, we got some ride tickets and went on some of the rides together, and played some of the midway games as well.

I’d never been on the big ski lift thingy that spans across the whole park, and somehow it ended up happening that we got to go on it for free! While we were on it, I asked him if we could take a picture together, which he was all for.

At first, we took a regular selfie together right? And in my head, I was thinking that for the second one, I wanted to get one of me kissing him on the cheek. But right when I turned my head, so did he!!!! Turns out we were thinking along the exact same lines (as per usual) and ended up kissing each other instead, heh. Either way, it made out (HAHA PUNNY) for an even cuter candid picture than I’d intended.

It was such a lovely date, and as always the CNE was the perfect way to end the summer. At one point while we were waiting in line together for a ride, I looked up at him and I couldn’t help but tell him how amazing this summer has been, with him especially. And it really has been – we’ve had fun together and I’ve grown to enjoy his company so incredibly much. It’s always effortless and easy when it comes to the two of us.

His reply was so incredibly cute – he pulled me close and kissed me, and was like, “Wanna have an even better Fall?”

And me (being the clever little cheeseball that I am), I replied, “I think I already have…” (am I good or am I good though???? LOLOLOL). [Geddit ’cause like, I’ve already “fallen” for him… just in case you didn’t get it initially, heh].

But in all seriousness though, his reply made me really happy because it denoted another season of us continuing this and continuing to see one another as we have been for the past five months or so. And it’s been an amaaaazing past couple months.

I mean, I know it’s not going to be super easy per se – I have school now on top of my job, and he’s got both of his jobs to juggle on top of adopting a tiny kitten. So in order to make time for one another, it’s definitely going to have to take some effort. But for this, I’m ready and willing to do so. For him, I’ll do my due diligence. We’ll see what’s in store for us, as summer wanes away and the pretty golden magical haze fades into the crisp chill of the fall.

Anyways, that’s about it on that!

I went back to work on the first of September, but then I had a couple more days off and it was actually quite nice because I was able to enjoy a little bit more summer before school began today! I had a fun dinner with Leila and Cory and caught up with them, and I even went back to the CNE to spend some time with Krystal and Chad (and also to indulge in some more wild and wacky food that you’d only find at the CNE).

And yesterday, (the 4th), Olivia and I spent the whole day together just vegging out, talking, and eventually we went to go see a movie together in theaters, just for the heck of it. (We were also really super high and it was a shark movie, so that was quite a thrill LMAO). All in all, it was a great way to end this summer.

So far, the weather isn’t reflecting this transitional period of the year, but I so look forward to the temperature dropping to what it’s soon to become. Nevertheless though, I am enjoying those last warm rays of the sun while I can, because all too soon it’ll be winter and I won’t feel that heat for some time to come. So, I’m happy. In all moments, in every way, no matter what the current state of the weather is.

Which brings me to today, which was an oddly illuminating day for me.

I’m going to be straight up, balls out honest about everything I went through today, in order to convey to you the degree to which I myself am still learning about who I want to be versus who I once was.

This morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was check my phone and my social media apps (which is a habit I think I would very much like to break out of, by the way).

And the first thing I saw when I opened Instagram, was a picture of my ex Nick with his beautiful brand new girlfriend. Oh and, might I mention, he was topless (and looking fit as heck), and she was wearing a bikini (and she’s even fitter).

Immediately, I felt my stomach sink, even in my half-conscious state. Which then triggered a series of thoughts – “why do I feel like this? I’m over him! I’ve moved on! Why does seeing this post make me feel like this? And why did he post this all of a sudden!? Could it be in retaliation to the fact that I recently posted a picture of Adrian and I? But seriously though, why do I feel like this!?!?!?!?!?” And, in my half-awake state, I promptly proceeded to mute both his stories and posts because I didn’t want to see any posts like that of his any longer.

Two seconds later after putting my phone down, I realized what I’d done. I’d given into my old impulses of who I once used to be. I immediately picked my phone back up, un-muted him, and then went straight back to that picture he’d posted.

And then I looked at them. Like, really looked at them, I zoomed in and everything (thanks to Instagram’s handy update, I was able to do so). I studied her beautiful smile that matched his so well. I gazed at the way his hand was clasped around her waist, the way it once used to be around mine. And I smiled. I genuinely smiled, from the inside out. And with all of my might, I thought in my head, “I am so happy for you. I am so happy for you“. And I meant it. I felt the happiness course throughout my entire body, I felt it flood my being. Ultimately, all I really want for him, for them both, is to be just as happy as I have been. Everyone deserves to experience that kind of happiness, and regardless of what he and I have gone through, he’s no exception.

So I liked the post, and put my phone away. And that was that.

Now, did I think about it here and there throughout my day? You betcha! Because, I’m only human. But, did I think about it in the same way I did when I first saw it? No. Now I was able to think about it, wish them well, and then let go. Because I interrupted that initial pattern of thought before it could solidify, and I changed its course. My level of self-awareness was able to do that for me. I, was able to do that for me.

Carrying on with my day – I had work before I had school, so off I went to my shift. While I was standing at my event, I vaguely thought “I feel like I’m going to see someone that I know today, like from high school or something”. And sure enough, during my shift, I did end up seeing someone I once knew from high school! But more on this later, the benefits of strengthening my intuition and whatnot.

Once I’d finished my shift, I was so excited and happy to be leaving and so ready to start my official first day of school. But for some reason on my way out, security was blocking the door right? And it also seemed like he was specifically waiting for me, because other people were passing with no problem. He asked if I was done for the day, and when I happily confirmed that I was, he asked to take a look in my purse.

Now normally, this is pretty standard procedure for where I work, so I had no problems with it whatsoever. But in this particular case, rather than just taking a quick peek into my bag, he started invasively poking through all my stuff, asking me where I’d gotten my lipsticks or if I’d made any purchases today. I did happen to have a sample of a new fragrance we’d just launched, which he also looked at extensively before proceeding to ask if I had any other product with me.

It was… weird. And a little too abrasive, that it made me uncomfortable. Especially because this particular dude and I usually get along just fine, so it was a little disconcerting for him to be treating me the way that he was. It almost felt… personal.

A little shaken, I went down to get the rest of my stuff before heading back out into the mall to catch my train. But before I headed out, I stopped to collect myself as well.

The old-me narrative was going full-fledged in my head, “what the flying fuck was that for!? Did I do something wrong? Were they watching me on camera, was I acting shady or something to the point that I warranted treatment like that!?! Why was he so callous, why did he act like he was so sure he was going to find something when I’ve clearly done nothing!?” I was on the brink of a panic attack, in all honesty – I’ve already had an unintentional brush with security due to a misunderstanding when I’d first started this job, so it was bringing back some old feelings of fear and paranoia that I experienced a very long time ago.

So I breathed. I breathed as calmly as I could until the voice in my head quietened down. I became very aware of the frequency I was emitting – fear, hurt, anxiety, stress, worry and resentment. The more I let my thoughts feed that frequency, the more it gained the power to potentially ruin my day. So what did I do instead?

I switched my focus. As I walked through the mall, I focused on how nice it felt when this group of young girls complimented me on my shoes and also told me how pretty I was. I focused on how happy it made me to talk with a stranger about my trip to Paris and how he’d recently gone himself. I switched my frequency to operate on positivity and happiness, even though that wasn’t quite what I was feeling in those moments… at first. As I walked through the mall, I smiled. I smiled to myself, I smiled at strangers, and thought about how excited I was to be going to class after all this time.

And just like that, my whole demeanor changed. Because I consciously chose to stop feeding the angry thoughts, to stop fueling the fear. Because I chose to feed the positive thoughts instead, to focus on feeling happy no matter what it took.

I wasn’t repressing how I felt or stuffing it away – that wasn’t my intention. I was merely casting my focus elsewhere for the time being in order to not let what happened ruin my mood or cast a pall on the rest of my day. I made a conscious decision to react in a way that ultimately benefitted me, and made it to school.

But once it was time for me to get to class… the anxiety came back. It was already set off due to what had happened. As I walked through those halls, old memories flooded back. The staircase where Nick told me he cheated on me. The classrooms I used to sit in with him, while he had his lectures. The places my friends and I used to hang out before they all graduated and went on with their lives.

So the whole way to my lecture, I focused on my breathing again. Slowly, in through my nose and out through my mouth, until I calmed myself once more enough to walk into my class. And there, everything changed.

Half way through my incredible lecture with a prof I know I’m going to love, I realized where I was and what I was doing. I did it – I finally got the mark I needed in Psych in order to carry on with my degree!!!! After six years of struggling with my marks, with my anxiety, with my guilt and fear and shame and uncertainty, after years of dropping out, getting suspended for a year for failing, re-enrolling and dropping out once more, I’d finally made it. I was finally doing something that I wanted, on my terms, for me. FOR ME.

After my lecture ended, I went outside and sat down in the middle of campus by myself, close to the subway station. I popped in my earphones, kicked my feet up and let the cool breeze of the summer night wash over me as the day came to a close. I looked around at the campus and suddenly had yet another realization that changed everything – this was my place. This school was no longer a place of old memories that held me captive because I am not the person I once was when I wandered these halls before.

Instead of causing me anxiety, this was my chance to start afresh. To find new hidden places to read and to study, to create opportunities to make this place my new safe haven, a place all my own.

I’ve written quite a bit today and in detail on the things I’ve experienced in this day alone. But the gist of it all?

WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE CHOICE THAN EVEN WE OURSELVES REALIZE WE DO!!!!! My god, we struggle so hard to control every single thing outside of ourselves to the point that we fail to remember the exorbitant amount of sheer power we have to control what’s happening from within.

I could have let that security guard, that post, or my anxiety about returning to school ruin my entire day. I could have let it all burn to the ground, and proceeded to come home, frustrated and exhausted, and potentially taken it out on my unassuming family (who had a great day themselves – you see the chain reaction this could have caused?)

Instead, I came home, and when my mom and my sister came downstairs to ask me about how my day was, I told them it was amazing. I told them all about the high points, and briefly mentioned whatever else occurred. And instead of dwelling, I relished in my triumphs over myself. The victories of new-me versus old-me.

I won’t lie – it requires a shit-ton amount of discipline and self-awareness to change the course of your thought processes, your emotions, and even your reactions. But I sure as hell would rather fight through those old neural-wiring pathways with everything I’ve got and live a life of real quality, than live on autopilot in the same old habits and destructive thought patterns that amount to nothing but a steadily mediocre pathway to an inevitable death.

And I guarantee you this – it’s worth it. My days are so much better, so much more peaceful, filled to the brim with real happiness and contentment, because I understand that every single moment I experience in my day presents me with a choice. Either I let life happen to me, blindly – or, I make life happen for me, consciously.

What a day eh!? And to top it all off – as I was talking with Olivia, I mentioned that instance to her, the one where I ran into that person I knew in high school the way I had a feeling I would earlier on in the day. I told her how happy that made me, because one of my personal goals at the start of this year was to strengthen my intuition and to learn how to properly listen to it. We joked that I was becoming psychic, and I mused that maybe my strengthening intuition was bending time from its usual linear structure.

Right before I decided to head to bed, I noticed my sister’s copy of The Alchemist on the table in the living room. And for the heck of it, I picked it up and held it in my hands, and asked the Universe to tell me something. Anything. I opened it up to a random page, and proceeded to read the first passage my eyes landed on. This was the passage:

“…was also learning the universal language that deals with the past and the present of all people. “Hunches”, his mother used to call them. The boy was beginning to understand that intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it’s all written there.

Maktub“, the boy said, remembering the crystal merchant.”

Magic. This life is pure magic, through and through. How else do I explain any of that? This passage directly addresses what intuition is, in the most beautiful way. And it ends off with the very phrase I have tattooed onto my rib cage, a phrase that I believe without a single doubt as time continues on… maktub. It is written.

My eyes are still filling up with grateful tears as I type this now, the same way they did when I first read that passage.

I am so, so thankful. Thank you Universe, thank you Me, thank you, thank you, thank you. May gratitude be the only frequency I allow myself to operate on, for the rest of my entire life.

Thank you.

Love always and in every way there is imaginable,

Me.