Day 311 to 315 – November 7th to 11th, 2018

Hello! I was just looking through some of my old logs, and I just realized that I’ve been failing to keep up with my own life on here in some aspects. I never talked about how lunch with Luna was, the results I got back from the doctor’s, and I also have to talk about the thing I did that I mentioned in my last log! And now, I have so much more to catch up on what with the events that have occurred in the past couple days.

So real quick – lunch with Luna.

It was really nice! We went to cheesecake factory, and Daniella and Lori came with us too so it ended up being a fun lunch. And I know that Luna meant well; she got a pasta that was similar to the one she knew I loved from my old workplace that they took off their menu.

Recently, she’s asked me to come with her on a trip to Jordan with her and Lana, and I actually agreed. I don’t know if we’ll ever quite go back to our old friendship and I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust her the way I once did, but she did make a great travel buddy. We’ll see what’s in store for us.

Results from the doc – my blood work came back clear! (In fact, it came back great – my iron is amazing, so are some of my vitamins and whatnot. And all the blood count stuff too). She confirmed that it is my lymph nodes that are swollen, but she has no idea why they are. Whatever it may be, it didn’t show up in my blood work or ultrasound. On the bright side, it’s definitely not tumourous, which is amazing! That’s all I needed to know. Everything else will work itself out.

She did say though, that if they don’t go away in about a month or so, I need to come back at the beginning of December to possibly see a head, neck/throat surgeon about potentially removing/draining the nodes. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

The thing I did – so that day I wrote that log I believe, I was looking for something that would help me study but I couldn’t find it. I was going through my closet when I came across the box full of all the stuff that Nick had given me or that reminded me of him.

So out of curiosity, I pulled it out and opened it.

I looked at the old photo-booth pictures we’d taken in cheesy poses, the little arcade prizes we’d won when we took our trip to Niagara, the silly pizza-tray hat he’d made for me out of boredom in one of his classes I’d sat in. The beautiful bracelet he’d given me, the notes and cards he’d written for me throughout those years, movie ticket stubs, and so much more.

And I felt… peace. Nothing but peace. No heart-skip, or pangs of melancholy.

So, I closed the box and decided it was finally time to get rid of the old energy of that relationship, once and for all.

It’s gone now. Every single thing that was in that box and the box itself is no longer in my household, clearing the way for new energy to make its way in.

I thank that time in my life, that relationship, Nick himself, for everything I learnt. For everything I took from it, and all the ways I grew. That chapter is officially closed, and I hope from the bottom of my heart sincerely that he’s truly happy and living his best life.

And that’s that, on the thing I did.

Okay, now that I’m all caught up on those things I missed, onwards now to this past weekend.

I think I mentioned a couple logs ago that I was starting to get a little “restless” when it came to Adrian, and that feeling finally came to a head this weekend. We hadn’t talked much throughout the week so I was starting to feel like I had no idea what was going on with him or how he was. I missed him, and that frustrated me because I felt like I had no reason or right to miss him as much as I did because I still have no idea what we are or where this is headed per se. I’d surpassed restless and hit downright annoyed now.

I messaged Leila and talked her about it and she immediately helped me feel better. She pointed out that if I was starting to feel that way, then maybe it was about time I asked and clarified things instead of allowing myself to feel that way. I told her that I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want him to feel like I was pressuring him. She then highlighted how if it were two months in and I happened to ask, that would seem more so like pressure. We’ve been seeing each other for over seven months now.

I also mentioned that I was also afraid to ask because I was scared that his answer would be that he’s still not ready to acknowledge anything further than what we are right now, but she believes everything will be just fine. Somewhere deep down amidst all the fear, I know she’s right. But it’s hard, it’s especially hard when you care so much about someone and you don’t want to get hurt. We’re inherently wired to fear pain, to be averse to it.

Jumping forward to today, Leila, Cory, Avery and I finally got a chance to hang out just the four of us after so long, and we actually caught up properly and talked the way I assume adults do LMAO. It was actually so nice – at first it was kind of small talk and it was hard to get into the deeper stuff, but eventually we did.

I vented my frustrations to them and they helped out SO much, it was actually incredible to get so many different versions of feedback as well as guys’ opinion on what I was thinking.

I told them how I was afraid to ask him “what are we” because of worrying about pressuring him, and they all unanimously agreed that after almost 7-8 months of seeing one another, I was in the right place to bring up that conversation. I mentioned that I didn’t quite know how to say it either, and Cory joked that I shouldn’t be like “hey pass the salt, by the way what are we?” – it should be a proper conversation, and it should definitely happen in person.

I also vocalized that I was kind of frustrated with myself – I didn’t understand why now, ,after all this time, I suddenly needed this form of reassurance. And Leila assured me that it was normal, that anyone in my position would be feeling the exact same way that I do right now. Especially after all these months. I deserve to know if he sees something more or he doesn’t, or if he just needs more time.

I brought up how about a month ago, I asked Adrian if he feels like he’s gotten to know me like he said he wanted to, and how he hesitated a bit before saying that he still feels there’s more we need to get to know about one another. Cory and Leila both brought up some valid points – Leila pointed out that even after six years, she was still getting to know and learning more about Cory, and Cory wondered how long it really does take to “get to know someone” per se, like how long could you really need. I made it clear that I’ve been an open book though, (at least, I feel I have been).

I also mentioned how Olivia has a feeling he’s holding back somehow, and I don’t know, at this point I might agree. I just can’t put my finger on what it may be though.

On this note, Avery asked how long it’d been since Adrian had broken up with his ex, so I briefly skimmed over that timeline for them; how they broke up in February for good, and he and I met at the end of March and started seeing one another in April. I also mentioned our last conversation about this, the one we had in May. I had asked him if he felt like he’d had enough time to be on his own in between breaking up with his ex and seeing me, and he had said he wasn’t sure. He did acknowledge he didn’t want to live according to a time frame and wouldn’t let a “calendar” hold him back or have him deny how he felt about me though, and things proceeded as such.

Since then, I haven’t brought that topic up because I’ve been perfectly happy with the way things have unfolded, but now…

I think a part of me just needs to know for sure that he wants more than just this. And by “this”, I mean the whole honeymoon-y relationship aspect where we’re solely our best selves around one another. I want to know if he’s willing to and wants to be emotionally supportive when I need him to be, if he’s down to grow alongside me, if he’s cool with me packing up and travelling to god knows where at a moments notice, if he’s someone who’s willing to fight for me and with me, even if we’re arguing with one another. Basically, I want to know if he does see a real relationship with me.

If he just needs more time to get to know me or allow me to get to know him but does see potential for more and he’s genuinely happy with me, then by all means I can give him more time and honestly I’ll be okay with that. I just want to know that we’re not doing this for the sake of doing this and somewhere deep down, he has no intention of really letting me in because he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship again.

This has been so fun, so full of light and laughter and amazing beautiful moments. I regret nothing in regards to how hard I’ve fallen or how much I’ve invested in this, how much I’ve grown to care about him. No matter what the outcome of that situation is, I will never, ever regret a moment of any of this because Adrian is truly such an incredible, kind, passionate and lovely human being that I’m so happy I’ve met.

In all of this, I’ve simply assumed that I’m ready to be in a relationship again because everything has been so great. But have I really taken a moment to ask myself what I intend to get into?

I don’t think I have, so… well, me? Do you want to get into a relationship with this person? Can you see yourself with him?

Well I mean, based off the way we’ve been acting with one another for these past couple months, yes. But that’s the thing though – everything’s been so, so good. All golden and glittery and honeymoon-y. So of course based off of what I know, I want to.

The tiny little voice in my head that’s gotten so accustomed to my freedom and my singledom is screaming “NOOOOOO! RUNNNNNN! BE FREEEEE! RE-BUY THAT ONE WAY TICKET TO BELIZE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”

But I also think that tiny voice is also comprised of fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of embarking on this journey again with no knowledge of the outcome or what it could potentially lead to, (fear of uncertainty, essentially).

Deep down though… when I think about his eyes, that beautiful smile, how happy he makes me and how easy it is to be around him… the fear of not being with him outweighs the fear of losing him.

So, yeah. Even though I’ve had some trouble lately connecting with my inner voice and my intuition, I think I’ve been all-in since Day 1.

And I’m not saying that being in a relationship with him means that it’s a done deal, that this is it and we’re going to get married and there’s no going back. It just means that there’ll be more to what we are than just the “honeymoon phase”. It means we’re willing to see and accept all sides of who we are as people, not just the sides we choose to show. All I want to know is that that’s what he wants too, even if it’s not right now.

Well… that’s about it regarding that! I asked him a little while ago about next week for his birthday and I also asked him if he’s free to hang out this Thursday, and I’m waiting for him to get back to me on both accounts.

Look man. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve survived being cheated on, and I’ve survived having my feelings not being reciprocated before. If that’s the case this time, yes, it is going to hurt like a mo-fo. But just like each of those times before, I’m going to be okay and I’m going to get through it. So ultimately, regardless of the outcome of this conversation, I have nothing to lose by asking for some honesty, and peace of mind to gain.

I really want to talk about something else that happened this weekend that was crazy (ran into Dylan after months of not seeing him, just before he’s about to embark on a four-month trek through Bali, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Australia), but this log ended up taking a lot longer than I thought it would to type out and I am massively tired after this long-ass busy-ass weekend of work.

I’m so glad I’m going to get a brief respite from it, but I also have to spend all of tomorrow trying to cram five chapters into a day so that I can ace this exam I have on Tuesday like I intend to. Once that exam is done, I swear to god I’m going to bust out my DS and play some Pokemon for old times sake LMAO.

Anyways, until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

Day 309 + 310 – November 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello, hello! It’s currently late Tuesday night. I’m sitting in my kitchen, once again failing in my attempt to focus and study for the exam I have tomorrow. But there’s something I’ve got to talk about.

Time to time in my life, I get these weird… moods. I don’t know what to call it. An episode? A moment? Is it my hormones? Is it in my head?

I suddenly lose motivation, I lose focus, I lose… colour. It’s like there’s less colour in my days, I can’t explain it. “Happy” is usually my baseline emotion, but when I feel like this, it almost feels like this opposite. Not hate or anger or fear or sadness, but empty. Restless, bored, listless, colourless.

I can’t stay in class for more than an hour without getting anxious, can’t focus on anything long enough to finish it, I get really, really tired quite easily (to the point that coffee can’t help) and no matter where I go or what I do, this feeling’s always there in the back of my head behind every conversation or interaction I have, waiting for me at the end of the day. I don’t want to do anything but distract myself with a mind-numbing show and anything else that requires zero or minimum effort really.

It doesn’t happen too often, thankfully.

But I’m curious. Am I perpetuating this? Am I making a choice to reside in these feelings? Do I entertain this?

I’ve tried, time and time again to focus and study. I’ve drank down cups of black coffee, sat down with my notes in front of me, got through the first couple pages without really absorbing anything, and then gave up and got distracted yet again. Have I really been trying though?

Is it the cold weather? Is it the lack of sun? I’ve been taking vitamin D, I went back to the gym, I’ve been meditating more frequently, I’ve even re-read the Alchemist. I take the time I need for myself and self-care, I’m doing everything I feel I need to do. So what’s going on? Why does this happen to me from time to time? Do I lack discipline? Where does the motivation go?

The human body is such a strange thing. I’m like here, watching myself, feeling these feelings, but also not really… here. I’m not in them, because none of this is me. I know me. Last week I took myself out to lunch at St. Lawrence Market, had a great conversation with a lovely gentleman from Belgium and “happy” was no problem. It was easy, it was my constant, effortlessly.

This listless feeling started somewhere over the weekend. Is it the exams? The studying? Do I really not like school that much?

No, that’s not true either. I like studying. I enjoy school. I did well on my last exam for this class. Actually, this is my favourite class thus far and I’m thoroughly enjoying what I’ve been learning.

Huh.

Maybe it is the lack of sun or the cold or the weather. Maybe I’ve been having weird travel withdrawals. I’m no good with monotony or routine. I thrive on spontaneity, adventure and momentum.

It’s just weird. This hasn’t happened to me in a very long time, not since I started therapy and the self-love and my journey inwards about two years ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped my therapy sessions?

No, that can’t be it either. I left off on such a good note with Nadia, and since then I’ve been completely happy and able to self-soothe and problem-solve as I’ve needed.

I don’t want to be the colourless autopilot version of myself!!! Maybe it’s because I’ve been home a lot lately, attempting to study and failing miserably. I’m too comfortable here, I get way too easily distracted and I can talk myself into 3-4 unnecessary episodes when I should be investing my time in other things.

On the bright side, I’m not giving in completely and allowing myself to remain here. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to wake up early, go to the gym, and then find somewhere quiet to study that isn’t home, until my exam rolls around tomorrow evening. I’m fighting back until “happy” becomes my baseline again. Everything is temporary, everything is impermanent, including this… lull. This low.

I’ll be fine. I just needed to address this and talk to myself. Sometimes these things happen. It’s impossible for anyone to remain “happy” all the time, I know that as well as anyone else. Life sometimes catches up. And sometimes, it can be nothing at all. It just happens, we’re way too comprised of chemistry and neurology to simply just exist happily all the time.

And you know what? So what if it’s “in my head”? In fact, if I flip that perspective, that’s an amazing thing to acknowledge. If this is in my head, that also means I have every power to change what’s in my head. Because ultimately, I’m the captain of my fate, and the master of my thoughts and emotions. Even if I feel a certain way, it’s my choice to either react accordingly and give in, or I can do differently and hope for a better outcome.

Everything is going to be fine. In fact, it’ll be better than fine – everything’s going to be great. Whenever I feel like I’m faltering in faith or losing trust in the process, the Universe always sends me a little nudge, almost as if to remind me that it’s still there alongside me, guiding me. I just can’t give up, and I can’t give in to the low’s.

Nadia once told me that life’s a series of roving hills, never quite this steady incline upwards we all believe things to be. And that’s totally okay. Every downwards slope is another opportunity to make our way back up to the top. In fact, without the downwards slopes, we would eventually begin to lose our gratitude and appreciation for the moments we are at the top of our hills.

Regardless of how far I’ve come, all I’ve learnt and all the ways in which I’ve grown, there are going to be moments like this. And I appreciate them. Because when my baseline goes back to “happy”, I can sit in that happiness and be grateful for it that much more as a result of being here. I can be present in my good moments, as much as I am present in the moments that are not.

This was a good log! I like that I’ve been more honest with myself as of late. I had a conversation with Olivia the night of the concert I’d like to talk about, and I also did something very… interesting that I’d like to address that same day, but not tonight. That’s for another log.

Until then,

Love always, strongly, and in every way,

Me.

Day 301 to 308 – October 28th to November 4th, 2018

Well hello there! I haven’t written in about a week and I mean I suppose it’s been busy but I can’t quite recall why now. Oh well!

In fact, this week is looking to be a lot more busy than last week was – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

So, October came to a close last week and it truly was one of the best months of this year. I went apple picking with Adrian that last Sunday and we spent the whole day together, my classes were good, and I ended up getting to be what I originally wanted to be, on Halloween day. All in all, it was an amazing month and I can’t believe I’m already four days into November.

Last week when Adrian and I did spend time with one another, I told him what I wrote in my last log – how that first date he and I had was part of the reason my gut was yelling at me not to go back to Belize.

He kind of just looked at me for a moment before saying he was sorry that I didn’t go (but I assured him I would, eventually, when I was meant to) and then mentioned how powerful that particular bit of information was. It was a nice moment, the closest I’ve gotten really to telling him how much he means to me and how certain I’ve been about this from the start. I’m glad that I can find little ways to convey this.

We spent some time with each other again last night, and today is probably the first time I’ve experienced… this. This strange feeling that I can’t quite describe. I think it may be like… restlessness? Or more so, impatience.

As present as I am when I’m with him, as happy and content as I am, I also feel like I’m holding back. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel! I know I have to be patient and trust the process, and know that the right moment will show itself. It’s just hard sometimes, when all I want to do is just blurt it all out and say how I feel. Sigh.

It’s okay though. Everything has something to teach, and this is just another one of those things. I’m going with my intuition on this, because in the past two years of my life it hasn’t failed me once. I just have to keep reminding myself to have faith. Have faith and trust this process the way I’ve trusted in everything else in my life.

Anyways, what else happened last week! Let’s see – I went out and about on Halloween night dressed as the super-hero Storm from X-men which was super duper fun. I even went to my lecture that way (and shocked the prof for a moment, LMAO). I’m so glad that I got the opportunity to pay tribute to my great love for Halloween.

Later on in the week, Adrian, Leila, Cory and I were supposed to go on a double date for some ramen, but Adrian couldn’t make it so the three of us went anyways, and I’m glad we did! I actually thoroughly enjoy hanging out with Leila and Cory – they’re such good vibes and they’re so freaking cute, legit my goals. They’re fun to hang out with and both very easy to talk to, so we ended up having a really good night.

I worked through the weekend, and here I am now at home, typing away this log.

This week is going to be hectic – I’ve got the Fleetwood Mac concert tomorrow with Olivia, an exam on Wednesday, work all through the weekend and massive work event on Friday to cap it off. Not to mention, another exam next Tuesday so amidst my work shifts, I’m going to have to find time to study. I’m not worried at all though, everything happens as it’s meant to.

Olivia and I went back to the gym yesterday (and this was after a long while, for me) and I felt amazing through my entire day. I’m making it my intent to go as often as I can, at least 3 times a week until I can make it more frequent. I forget, time and time again, how good it feels to do that for my body. In fact, I’m hoping I can get up early enough tomorrow in order to go for an hour or so before I get to some serious studying.

It’s going to be a good week, and yet another busy month I’m sure! Krystal, Emily, Rose, Lori, Adrian and many other people I know all have their birthdays this month, I have my work holiday party to look forward to, and soon enough we’ll be smack-dab in the midst of our holiday season when it comes to work, and I also have to do my best to keep up with studying where I can and how I can.

It’s all good though! I got this. I’m determined and I’m motivated.

Anyways, that’s all for today. I’m just going to chill out for a bit before I head to bed because I’m sure I’m going to need all the rest I can get for this upcoming week.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 299 + 300 – October 26th & 27th, 2018

Hello! Once again, I am currently lying in bed typing this long my phone because once again, I find myself unable to sleep. Before I start madly typing out the thoughts that are preventing me from sleeping however, there is something I must acknowledge first.

Today… today is the 300th day of the year.

Which means a couple things. First, it means that there’s only 65 days left of this year. Sixty-five!!! Where has this year gone?!? I can’t believe it.

Second, it means that Adrian and I have been seeing one another for 200 days now. It’s been 200 days since the day of our first date. 200 days full of the best dates I’ve ever been on, the most incredible magical moments, the hardest of laughter and sweetest of kisses. 200 of some of the best days of my life.

But more on this later.

I wanted to catch up a little bit because all my plans that were intended for this weekend got… well… you know, that whole saying about “the best laid plans” and all.

So yesterday – I tried to throw together some last minute stuff and honestly I didn’t do much research on the place or anything because all I saw was that cover was cheap and it seemed cool. Long story short, when we got there, the place was dead and I began to panic because I felt personally responsible, especially since the majority of us had to leave early what with having work the next morning.

And so, in this anxiety-induced panic, I suggested we go somewhere else. But then… I remembered that Krystal was on her way to meet us. Only, by the time I remembered, we were already hopping into an Uber about to head to the other place.

I felt sooooooooooooo bad. Especially because Krystal’s reasoning for not wanting to join us right off the bat was because she wanted to be able to check out the place she had paid for initially, where we had just been. She got rather upset that we’d left without much warning, and she had every right to be.

And the second place, we ended up spending a grand total of like 10 minutes at before we all collectively decided to leave… so all in all, I’m hanging up my party-planning hat and definitively sticking to my resolution to become the best house cat that you ever did see.

Okay, I know, I’m being extra. One bad night is not the end of the world and shit happens sometimes. Krystal and I ended up making amends today – she reached out and told me she knew I had no bad intentions and that these things happen so all is well once more.

Honestly, that’s what bothered me the most about last night – I felt so sad that she was upset with me, because I like her so much!!! She’s one of the coolest people I know and I guess I didn’t realize how fond of her I’ve become as of late, until that happened.

But also, I felt bad for Cory and Avery because I planned this whole thing and it ended up seeming like a waste of money and time. But again, I shouldn’t stress about what I can’t control, and life just happens like that sometimes. I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to these things, like ensuring that everyone has a good time when I plan stuff. Not everything is going to be perfect at all times and despite how much pride (or hubris, I suppose) I had on planning things, doesn’t mean that my “plans” are immune to life and its curveballs.

Anyways, I was super stressed last night. But the silver lining to last night was that Adrian happened to join us as well last minute and oh man, am I ever glad he did.

That’s the first time he’s ever seen me in a real state of anxiety, and that’s exactly what I want. I want us to experience each other at our worst moments too – the fear, or anger, or stress and anxiety.

And you know what? He was so great. He kept insisting that it was still a good night, assured me that despite what happened with Krystal that I was still a good friend, and he still danced with me a little and tried to cheer me up. He was… me! I’m usually the one who’s super encouraging and positive but last night, he was my ray of sunshine instead.

I appreciated it so much. In this journey I’ve embarked on in the past two years, one thing I didn’t realize I wanted but now see that I’ve truly needed all along, was to be with someone who is as equally if not moreso positive and uplifting as I am. I had no idea how important to me that was until now.

I’m a happy person, but I also deal with anxiety and stress and worry from time to time. And when it comes to those things, I must admit that I try to fend for myself – I don’t actively try to rely on anyone but myself and sometimes, that doesn’t always work. I need to be with someone who can be my silver lining in those rare moments that I can’t see one. Because I promise and know with all my heart that I’d do the same for anyone I ended up with.

And that’s how I ended up with where I am right now tonight, in bed, with these thoughts. I started thinking about the three little words again. They’ve been on my mind for a while now, but comfortably sitting somewhere in the back of it, waiting to be called into play when I’m finally truly ready and when the moment is right. Which got me thinking about the other two times I’ve ever said those three words in my relationships.

In my first relationship with Don – he said it first, and I didn’t say it back. I was honest with him; I told him I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t ready to say those words and that I wanted to mean them when I said them. A couple months later he said it again, so I said them back because… I felt bad.

Despite all the bad that relationship held, there was some good too. But honestly? I don’t think I was truly in love with him. Not once. Why? Because I didn’t love myself. I don’t think you can love someone truly, if you don’t love yourself.

And then my second relationship came around and boy, was I ever head over heels. But it took me over a year to say those little words what with our rocky start, Nick and I. This was probably the first time in my life I said those three words and meant them, however few times I did say them. But the way I said them, and why?

We were in Montreal, sitting in a tiny booth on the second floor lobby of the Chinatown hotel we were in. He’d just finished throwing up profusely after a night of heavy drinking, and could barely see straight. Nevertheless, I’d sat with him through it all and even stuck with him into the washroom to make sure he was alright.

In one of the moments he stopped puking, he quietly asked me why I was still with him despite everything he had put me through. And it was simple. My answer was easy. Those three words sprung to mind and out of my mouth with no hesitation.

Relationship number two was the place where I loved someone more than I loved myself – and I don’t mean that in some romantic kind of way. Loving someone more than you love yourself is dangerous, especially when you have barely any love for yourself in the first place. That’s the kind of relationship that fosters attachment, jealousy, and mistrust. The kind of relationship that allows you to settle for scraps because you’re happy to get even that, because you think that’s all you deserve. The kind of relationship where you get cheated on and give that same person another chance.

(Side note – I still regret none of my decisions because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today, without them.)

So the second time I said those three words, it was because they were my reason to stay.

And now, here I am. Whole, complete, in love with myself first and foremost, at peace and content with who I am and what I entail, for the first time in my entire life. I’ve never once experienced love or been in love at a time in my life when I was in love with me too. And now…

I’ve finally met someone who fulfills all of my needs, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. (Physically goes without saying, heh). Someone who doesn’t need me to heal them, reassure them, or fix them. Someone who is equally as mature yet young at at heart as me. Someone who sees the blue beneath a grey sky – no matter what the situation may be. Someone who showers me with affection at all times and isn’t afraid to show how much he cares about me, no matter who is around. Someone I can actually lean on, talk to and laugh with. Someone who goes above and beyond to convey to me how special I am, and how much they appreciate me. Someone honest, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, adventurous, spontaneous, caring, intelligent and just an all-around good person with a good heart.

I still don’t know what’s in store for us or where this will go. But this damn well may be the very first time in my life that I say those three words to someone, not borne out of attachment or obligation.

Wow.

About 200 days ago, I had a one-way ticket booked to Belize, with no definitive idea of when I would come back and ambiguous plans of travelling to Guatemala and seeing where life would take me from there. It took one date – one magical, inexplicable, incredible, amazing date, to change the course of my life in a way I never thought would be possible.

Life sure is a funny thing, eh?

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough with my late-night thoughts. Tomorrow, we made a pretty spontaneous plan to go apple-picking at an orchard (his idea, yet another reason why I think he’s absolutely the bee’s knees). I can’t wait. I’m so happy life has brought me this person, this beautiful soul full of life and passion. I couldn’t be more grateful for every smile of his that I’ve seen.

CHEEEESYYYYYYYYY OMG.

okay sleep time!

Love always and in every way and so much so that I’m fit to burst,

Me.

Day 297 + 298 – October 24th & 25th, 2018

Hello! This is the first time I’m posting a log directly from my phone onto my blog. Usually, I type things up on my computer but it’s late and I’m in bed and I can’t seem to sleep so, a log it is!

I had my ultrasound appointment today and once again, after the extensive amount of pictures and information they gathered from the ultrasound and even after double checking with the radiologist, I STILL have to wait another week to know what the heck is going on with me.

Alright, I know everything’s probably just fine and in fact, I’m sure everything’s gonna disappear within a couple days or so. I bet you any money there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me whatsoever and everything is gonna go back to normal soon.

So why is it bugging the hell out of me that I don’t know anything yet? This new form of uncertainty is testing everything I thought I’ve learnt to accept about uncertainty. There is a part of me that’s grateful for this new challenge of my mental strength. But for the most part?

I noticed a little anxiety today! It’s been a while since it knocked on my door. I’ve been meditating regularly as of late, thank goodness, so I was able to breathe through it but still. I tell everyone that uncertainty is a part of life and that we shouldn’t stress about what we can’t control. But here I am, poking and prodding away at my neck every so often, wondering what the heck and where the heck these things came from and why and when they’re going to go away.

So here I am writing this log, hoping that if I’m finally completely honest with myself, then maybe I’ll start to feel a bit better. I kept saying “don’t think about it, don’t think about it”, but I don’t think denial is going to help me with this either.

Deep down I know this is nothing. I’m fine. I have to be. I know it’s going to go away and life is going to resume as normal.

This is just a reminder and a test on how to cope with and react to the uncontrollable aspects of my life. You keep going through the same tests until you really learn the lesson, right? So, I have to wait a couple more days. It’s okay! They’re only gonna tell me what I already know anyways – that everything came back normal and in a matter of time, the swollen nodes are gonna go down and I’m gonna forget this even happened.

Plus I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meanwhile – my friends and I threw together a spontaneous night out for Halloween tomorrow, so now I have TWO Halloween shindigs to attend, which means TWO opportunities to make the most of my favourite holiday!!! And I work all weekend too, and my coworkers always know how to make me laugh and cheer me up.

Speaking of my co-workers – the day I left to the cottage, I had a quick shift before I left and Luna asked me if I wanted to go on break with her so she could treat me to cheesecake. I had already gone on break though so I thanked her kindly and said maybe another time.

Today when I went back to work, I ran into her and she asked me if I’d like to go tomorrow and well, I said yes.

Hmm.

I’m nervous? Well not like nervous about her per se but like – is it gonna be weird? We haven’t hung out at all in almost a year. In fact we haven’t spent any time together even AT work – it’s been “hi, how are you, goodbye” and small talk in between this entire year thus far. Hm. Well there must be a reason I was inclined to say yes. And, I am an adult and I can do what I want without having to care about what people think of me. (My team isn’t quite fond of her after last years Christmas debacle).

I’ll just go with the flow and go with my gut and see what happens. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Anyways, I think I’ve vented enough to myself to merit a good night’s sleep finally. Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams about sharks – sharks trying to attack me, being in an aquarium with sharks that escape and try to attack me, almost being fed to sharks. Although last night, it was alligators that were trying to eat me and Olivia (but she had magic somehow and quickly transported us back home before any jaws could snap around us). What the heck man! I just want decent dreams and proper sleep. I feel like I’ve been tired easily lately. (And yet contradictory to that, here I am unable to fall asleep). 

What a busy mind I’ve had. Honestly as fun as this month has been with all of these social expeditions and going out every single goddamn weekend, when November rolls around I’m becoming a recluse, I swear. I’m gonna be such a house cat that my own cat is gonna be like “wtf dude”.

Except the problem with that is November has has just as much birthdays as October did, AND the Christmas season at my workplace will be full-steam ahead all the way into December. Le sigh. I need a vacation.

I got dis. Everything’s gonna be great. I’m gonna make more time to meditate, start a new book, continue to prioritize school, hopefully start MY book, and make time for myself in the best ways I can, even if that means having to say no sometimes. I must remember to say no when I have to say no.

Okay, that’s all for tonight! I should get some sleep, it’s gonna be yet another crazy ass weekend. But really though, I’m grateful for how amazing this month has been, as I knew it would be from start to finish.

I’ll write soon!

Love,

Me.

Day 296 – October 23rd, 2018

Hello! It’s been a while since I typed one singular date for one of my logs, and it’s been a while since I wrote a log that wasn’t for the purpose of catching up. But today, I found some time to myself and I though eh, why not?

Today was a good day! I took a nice long hot bath, I did some watercolour painting and had a glass of white wine while I watched Gilmore Girls (yes, I’ve started Gilmore Girls – I need some light-hearted clever comedy with a touch of drama in my life in some way, shape or form. Honestly though, I’m enjoying it thus far!)

So overall, today has been swell.

How have I been lately? It’s been a while since I sat down and really asked myself that question, now that I think about it.

I’ve been generally pretty happy for the the most part – I feel grateful for all the good that I have in my life, I’m at peace, and it feels like everything has settled nicely. I’ve started trying to meditate again before I sleep and my dreams are already getting much more vivid, I’m making more of an effort to do more things for me, and I’m doing well to keep up with all the important priorities in my life, I believe.

I think I’d like to get back into my reading though – last year, I spent so much time reading all these different books and collecting so much enlightening knowledge, it was such a good feeling. And this year, I’ve started so many that I haven’t been able to finish. Other than The Secret, nothing’s really been resonating with me as of late. I need a new fresh boost of inspiration, somewhere and somehow.

Speaking of books – my book. I don’t know, I feel like… once I uttered that intention out into the Universe with all of my might, I genuinely felt things shift in my favour. I felt the change in the tides, I felt the Universe conspiring with me to make it happen, opening up doors for me to walk through. But admittedly, I’ve faltered. Why?

I keep thinking, “I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts, I don’t know how to format this or how I want it to flow.” So I keep putting it off, further and further away as I go about my days doing anything but.

Here’s the thing though – if I don’t start, it’ll never get done!!! It’ll always be this vague, far off distant dream of mine that gets lost in oblivion, and I really don’t want that.

So what if I don’t know how to start, or where to start? I have to start somewhere, don’t I? I keep saying “I’ll know when the right time is”, but there’s no time like the Now. I don’t want this to be yet another idea I have that I never bring to life. I have so much I have to say, so many things I want to teach. So many people I’d like to reach out to and help.

I have to believe in myself when it comes to this. I hadn’t realized that those questions were forms of self-doubt but I can see it now. I was afraid. I wanted things to be perfect, to be successful.

But if I don’t have faith and trust the process and trust in ME, those things will never manifest.

It’s in me, this book. The whole entire goddamn thing from start to finish. It’s all there. It’s wired in my DNA, it’s written in my stars, a part of my soul. I have to bring this to life, one way or another.

I just need… I need a flash of light, some kind of big bang, an epiphany, a major “AHA!” moment, I feel. What exactly am I waiting for and how do I bring it about? I’ll keep meditating on it. I’ll know it when it comes.

Anyways, I promise to continue to have faith and trust the process. My faith will carry me through.

Today, I was going through some of my old stuff, and I saw some old forms from 2016. Turns out, I had my very first therapy appointment on October 25th, 2016, almost exactly two years ago. Two years ago, I took a massive step forwards into loving myself. It was one of the hardest, scariest things I’ve ever done for myself but I’m so, so glad I did. It changed everything for me. For once in my life it made me stop running and and made me face myself. And in doing so, I was able to embrace myself for the first time in a very long time, quite possibly the first time in my entire life.

Man, I’m pretty sure I cried through every single one of my first couple sessions. When I look back now, it’s almost unbelievable how much baggage I was carrying with me on my shoulders. Guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, the fear of not being enough, the idea that I was a failure, fear of the future, even hate. I think I even hated myself. I hated me for how much I failed in university, hated myself for disappointing my parents, hated myself for having no direction in life. Everything I was lacking in faith and belief, I channelled into hate.

It makes me so sad when I think about it now. I mean, I’ve done a complete 360 since then and I’m so thankful for that. It’s just sad that once upon a time, I didn’t see me this way. I didn’t love me in the way I love me now. I can’t imagine living my life in any other way but this now though. I can’t imagine not enjoying my own company, not loving myself, not encouraging myself and offering myself compassion.

Does that mean I changed? Can people change? Or do we do we inherently remain the same, in the sense of our “traits”? Are those inherent traits (that may be partially biologically fixed or environmentally affected) unable to be subjected to change? Can we change based on our environments if there is an extreme difference in what we’re exposed to?

I think my overall nature has remained the same – I’ve always been a pretty happy person, I’d like to believe. Maybe that particular trait had less depth to it when I was living my life on autopilot. I feel like my happiness has much more depth to it now. I feel like before, I was a shell of myself, a shell of who I really am. A shadow person. I wonder how I maintained any of my connections to people in that state. I suppose I really didn’t though; there wasn’t much genuine connection to anyone when I was that far gone.

I’m very thoughtful tonight, LMAO. I wonder if it’s the wine.

Today was actually an interesting day – I received two unexpected calls, one from Felicity and one from Avery.

Felicity called to ask me for some advice and told me the first person she’d thought to ask was me, and Avery called to ask me how I was doing. We ended up catching up for about an hour or so on the phone though, which was so nice. I told him about how the cottage was, and he told me about how his past weekend was with his new girl. I’m glad that we can talk like that and I hope it’ll always remain this way no matter what. I’m also really happy that the people in my life know that they can call me at any moment or time of the day and know that I’ll be there for them if they need me. I can’t express how happy that makes me.

Anyways! I think I’ve rambled on enough for one day. It’s been nice talking to myself though, for no other reason than just wanting to write.

Well, I suppose that’s all for today! I’ve got class tomorrow night (my favourite one), my ultrasound appointment on Thursday and I ended up getting scheduled to work, and then Adrian’s invited me to his friend’s Halloween party on Saturday which I’m very much looking forward to (I’m going as Storm and I cannot WAIT to put that costume together!!! Thank goodness another year will be passing by that I’ll still be celebrating my favourite holiday somehow, hehe).

I’m sure I’ll find time to write about all of that soon. October has been incredible thus far, and I’m sure it’ll continue to be!

Love always,

Me.

 

Day 291 to 295 – October 18th to 22nd, 2018

I usually always write a little something on my birthday, but honestly the past couple days have been so incredible that I’ve wanted nothing more than to just live in the moments that were given to me. So, I’ve got to backtrack now, which I’m more than happy to do because that means I get to relive those moments briefly.

Let’s seee… so my birthday day! I was at Denny’s with Olivia at midnight, and then during the day I spent some time with my family before going to treat myself to a little manicure for some me-time. After I got back home, I started getting ready for my dinner date with Adrian, which I was super excited for.

And I was so right to be – it was magic, from start to finish. I dressed up a little extra for the occasion, and it absolutely paid off. The look he had on his face when I was walking towards him in the car was… priceless. It was everything. And he had a gift waiting for me when I got there; he wrote me a lovely note by hand with all sorts of clever puns, wishing me a Happy Birthday and more. And inside the gift was all my favourite things – wine, my favourite kind of chocolate, bath bombs, even a nicely rolled joint LMAO. It was so incredibly sweet and so thoughtful.

And dinner was out-of-this-world good. I’ve never had Brazilian before, but holy crap. I felt like I’d had this amazingly delicious steak dinner, yet I got to try all sorts of different steaks and so much more what with the all-you-can-eat side stations. It was incredible – the food was mouth-wateringly good.

He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole night. He even apologized for staring at one point, hehe. But I honestly didn’t mind. I love that he looks at me in that way, even if I’m wearing old pajamas and no makeup.

He took care of the whole dinner, which was so kind and generous of him. He made my birthday day that much more special, and I’m so glad we got to spend time together on the actual day of. But oh man, the weekend that followed…

Where do I even begin? It’s got to be the cottage. The cottage is this magical place outside of time, outside of obligations, and quite literally outside of the city and all it entails. I’m so blessed and grateful that I got to spend my birthday weekend here; it truly is one of my favourite places on this earth.

Let’s see… well, we got there a little late Friday night, and we all seemed to arrive at the same time so we were all able to settle in at once. It was a little rainy so there wasn’t any chances to go out and about outside of the cottage, but oh man the shenanigans that took place within.

We got some cards against humanity going, and honestly I can’t remember the details all too much due to my state of mind but holy crap I do remember that my face actually ached from all the laughter that ended up happening that night LOL. It was such a good time. I even accomplished one of my goals and finally smoked with my parents!!! Now that, that was a cool birthday wish that came true.

The next day, we spent the day just milling about and being lazy really, playing indoor games and bonding. My soul was so happy; all I really wanted was just a nice quiet weekend with the people I care about the most. I wanted the warm cozy fire and the chill in the air with the brilliant backdrop of hundreds of multi-coloured leaves. And that’s exactly what I got.

And on top of it all? Adrian got along so well with my parents. In fact, they loved him. They could both see how happy he makes me – he was always giving me affectionate hugs or pecks, regardless of who was around. Which I love love love about him, I love how affectionate he is and how easy it is for him to pull me over and give me a warm bear hug with his arms wrapped basically around my head and shoulders since he’s a good foot taller than me, LOL.

He was his considerate helpful self the whole way through – he helped to clean, to wash dishes, even to cook dinner one night! My mom was super impressed and took to him immediately as a result. And vice versa – at first, I think he seemed a little off-put with how… unorthodox my family was. We’re definitely not your typical brown family, I’ll give you that. But after an evening with them, he told me he found them hilarious and that he liked them too.

And he got along so well with each and every one of my friends, and all of us as a group too. It felt like he fit right in seamlessly.

It was so nice to spend pretty much four days in a row with him. I honestly usually tend to need my own space after spending a lot of time with anyone for days straight, but with him? Not even a little.

I can’t begin to explain how amazing it felt to wake up beside him with the sun rising over the trees, flooding golden light through the massive windows into our room. How it felt to know that I was sharing that amazing place with him, especially with it meaning so much to me. There was a moment I took him down to the dock in the last night to see the stars, and the moon was so bright that it illuminated everything else.

And it was magical. I looked at him in the moonlight, under all those stars, and I just… knew.

I’m so completely head-over-heels for this guy. I don’t care who knows it, I want to scream it from the top of my lungs on the tips of the tallest mountains possible, I want to run around and shake people, I want to do a little dance and make a little love (LMAO). But really? I just want to tell him. I want to look him in those beautiful hazel-green eyes of his and tell him that I’ve fallen harder and deeper for him than I have anyone else, ever. That I’ve never, ever felt this way before – this adored and cared for, this respected and revered. This appreciated. And that the reason I tell him over and over again how much I appreciate him and everything he does is because I’ve never had anything like this before. I’ve never had anyone treat me like this before, with the freedom to be who I am and the genuine appreciation for all that that entails.

But I will. One day, I’m going to get the chance to. And that’ll be the day that these words matter the most… because he’ll finally be able to hear them for himself.

All in all, it was the perfect weekend. My friends gave me the incredible gift of their company by coming up to the cottage, as well as some other sweet little trinkets and things that are so me. I couldn’t be happier with the circle of people who are around me now – it’s a lot less than it was five years ago when I last came up for my birthday, but the quality is impeccable. And I much prefer quality over quantity.

Anyways, I’m still in cottage-mode and feeling super lazy, but slowly and surely I’m re-adjusting to reality. Speaking of reality…

So the day after my birthday and the morning before we left to the cottage while I was sitting in my kitchen having my tea, my neck felt kind of stiff so I started to press at it, wondering if I had slept funny and developed a knot of some kind. But, the more I began to press at my neck, the more I realized that what I was feeling wasn’t a knot – it was two very clear discernible lumps, just beneath my skin. I began to press on the other side and other places, but there was nothing except for a smaller lump on the same side.

I immediately called and made an appointment with my family doctor in downtown, and this morning I had my appointment.

My doctor did a very thorough examination, and explained to me that it appears as though my lymph nodes seem to be swollen, isolated to one side of my neck. With some further investigation, she confirmed that none of my other lymph nodes in my body were swollen, which was a good sign. She explained that it could be a sign of possible infection or oncoming infection (which is why they may be swollen, in an attempt to fend off said infection). She then checked my blood pressure and my temperature, and everything came back normal, which is kind of strange – if it is infection, I don’t have a fever or any of the other accompanying symptoms. In fact, save for the swelling and slight ache in my right side, I feel completely normal. I guess that’s a good thing though!

She made me do blood work immediately in order to see if there were any irregularities in my blood (more blood cell count than others, deficiencies, etc.) She said she’d let me know immediately when/if she found anything. She also made sure that I received priority in regards to booking an ultrasound with St. Michael’s hospital (which is so great that my clinic is linked to that institution because it’s arguably the best hospital in the city). So I have an appointment this Thursday for some further testing in order to figure out what the cause might be.

I honestly have no idea what it could be, and I know I keep telling everyone I’m not worried and that I’m sure everything’s all good. Honestly, a part of me really is sure that everything’s fine which is why I don’t dwell on it very much. But being completely honest with myself here?

Sure, I’m a little worried. It’s just weird, you know? I know the human body does all sorts of weird things that usually mean nothing. But you never know. And I’m not going to know for sure for a couple days time. I’m obviously going to go about my days as per usual and what not and not think about it. I’m about as positive as anyone else you’ll meet, really.

I have way too much to do with my life to even let my mind go in any other direction but positivity, honestly. I just met an incredible human being who makes me so happy, I have a book to write and people to help, I’m back in school and happier than ever… I don’t know. I’m rambling. I know everything’s fine. I also know that these concerns of mine are perfectly valid as well though, which is why I’m expressing them to myself here.

I’m just a little extra emotional and hormonal because I also happened to get my period today, that’s all. Hehe.

I promise that as this week goes on and once I find out what’s going on, I’ll write about it. In the meanwhile, I’ve got a Halloween costume to come up with, some classes to focus on and some work shifts to channel my energy into.

Anyways! Life is beautiful. Today I stopped and looked at this breath-taking tree with leaves that were smack-dab in the midst of changing colours from their regular vivacious green to a vibrant red-orange and I couldn’t help but appreciate how truly beautiful life can be in the smallest and biggest of ways. I’m so grateful. I really am. For everything.

So, here I am. This is twenty-six. I can’t wait for all the beauty, magic, love, challenges, hardships, victories, lessons, laughter, light, books, people, moments and everything else that this year of my life is bound to hold in store for me.

I’m so thankful I’ve made it this far. For everything my life has entailed, it’s been wonderful, it really has.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Love always and in every way,

Me.