Day 228 to 234 – August 16th to 22nd, 2019

Hello! I’m back again, for the remix.

I’m having a fantastically amazing day today. And you know what’s funny? Nothing out of the ordinary happened! I’m just super grateful for a whole bunch of little things and all at once it’s become this beautiful, big ball of thankfulness and happiness and faith intertwined.

This past week, all of a sudden I had this feeling. It’s almost hard to explain. I think I was on an escalator going up from the subway towards the GO buses in Highway 407 West station. It just dawned on me, suddenly, as though something clicked into place.

The only way I can summarize it is in this single thought that came to me as a result of the feeling: the thought was, “everything is going to be okay.”

I suppose that what it was, was pure, genuine, unadulterated faith. Like, real faith, the kind of faith that requires absolute surrender and certainty. It was beautiful. A smile slowly unfurled on my face; the kind of sincere smile I know I haven’t experienced in quite some time. The exact same smile I’ve been wearing most of today, the smile that made people look at me kind of funny on the bus (which made me smile even more), the same on that’s on my face right now.

I feel like all my various forms of inner work (the meditation, the books I’ve been reading, writing more frequently, being more mindful in a compassionate way, even the ADHD medication and ashwagandha) suddenly all just linked and that amazing euphoric feeling suddenly came over me.

That is the true result of all the things I want to embody. That unshakeable calm, serenity, that inner and outer smile, that unwavering certainty that no matter what, past, present or future, everything was going to work out perfectly, exactly as it was all meant to and is meant to.

It’s almost as though for the briefest of moments, I clicked into the timeline I’m striving for. The one that I know I want to vibrate alongside with, the one that I know I want to manifest. It was this fleeting moment of “you are exactly where you are meant to be in this exact moment, place, and time”. It felt like alignment, of the highest kind.

That moment made me realize just how often I settle for vibrating at a lower frequency and how that lower frequency has almost become my norm. Dropping the spiritual jargon for a moment – I can’t believe how much time I spend in my day constantly obsessing and worrying about the same things, same scenarios, over and over. Scenarios that may not even happen, based off of fears that have no footing whatsoever. Sometimes I even catch myself staring into nothing with my brow furrowed in somber concern for a reaction based completely off of my imaginings – but with very real consequences.

This moment made me realize just how much tension and worry I carry in my body as a result of these imaginings.

It made me realize that all I want is to have faith. Faith in myself, faith in the Universe, faith in my abundance, and faith that I am being taken care of. I want to surrender, to work where I must, but to know and understand the exact moment that I have to let go. I want to keep dancing between the fine lines of will and destiny, of surrender and manifesting. And when I say dancing, I mean dancing!!! I want to have fun with it all, not take everything so seriously anymore, and expand that moment of certainty into my current and constant state of being.

I’m reading this incredible book called “The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success and Well-Being.” It’s written by this author who’s so completely sincere and authentic, I feel as though I’m listening to a friend speak, a kindred spirit. She’s the perfect balance of spiritual and rational for me – she’s a psychiatrist who practices spirituality in her psychotherapy, which is basically my dream job.

I remember the day I put it out into the Universe, “okay Universe, I need some new books. I’m in need of guidance in whatever form you choose for me.” It feels like the day we went to that place that Radha took me and Olivia to, was the day there was a shift. I chose my inner voice – imagine if I hadn’t? Maybe the books would have found me another way. But, it’s incredible how much quicker things align when you genuinely listen to your intuition.

It’s not easy choosing faith over fear. Fear is our basic wiring, an impulse that stems back as far as time when all that mattered was survival by any means. But I don’t want to fight life anymore, I don’t want to resist and tense up and try to control everything due to this fear telling me that I need to have all my ducks in the tightest row I can muster. I want my ducks to fly freely, and trust that no matter where they land, they’ll find themselves exactly where they’re meant to be.

And I want it to become easy to choose faith over fear. That’s when I’ll be resonating on the level that I’d like to be at. In fact, I already am – we all naturally are and can be. It’s just the amount of things that clutter and drown out that resonance. Working through fears and choosing mindfulness allows you take away that clutter, one thing at a time.

I’m working at it. Every meditation session, every inner dialogue or conversation I have with the Universe, every page of every book I read, every time I write to myself and remember what’s most important, every moment I become aware that my thoughts or words are judgemental and not at all the vibe I’d like to embody, every synchronicity I take notice of and write down, every time that inner smile reflects outwardly, and most importantly – every slow, deep, conscious breath that I take to bring me back from stress, worry, or anxiety. Every single time I choose to let go, or choose faith over fear. It all adds up. It all means something.

One moment at a time. The future that I stress so much about, even the tomorrow that I think so much about and try to plan out in my head, does not exist until it becomes the present moment. I give so much energy to something that isn’t even real, and as a result might end up manifesting such thoughts as my reality when the moment does arrive. It’s so important to cultivate a loving and compassionate mindful reverence for the present moment. I’m realizing that more and more with each moment I find myself in.

I’m excited. For the first time in a long time, it feels like I’m returning to something I brushed upon briefly two years ago when I embarked on my journey of self-love. A peace I’d never experienced before. A certainty, a confidence, a faith that I know is meant for me.

And as a result, every seeming “challenge” I come across now feels more like a test (of the best kind) of the lessons I am trying to embody. Every moment provides me an opportunity to rewire old impulses, to choose differently again and again until my inner voice rings clear as a bell.

Currently, I am facing tests at my workplace and in my abundance mindset. I very much enjoy my job and how much effort I put into it. I always leave work feeling like I did everything I set out to do, and to the best of my abilities as well. But, because of the “negative” workplace gossip mentality that my department has, I end up getting sucked into the gossip or judgement and end up feeling like crap afterwards, and I am aware of it. Time and time again I’ve said I need to create boundaries when it comes to work, and to certain extents I have. I do not expend more energy than necessary, and I do not take the pressures of this job home with me. But, I think I now have to add emotional/mental aspects to those boundaries.

I hate talking about people. I hate how I feel after, all anxious and worried. I hate it so much. I end up succumbing to it so easily because it’s literally the main topic of conversation at work other than actual work. Le sigh. And it sucks, because I spent a majority of time out of my week at work, you know? So sometimes, it’s so hard not to get caught up in that low-vibe mentality.

I have to find new ways of avoiding those conversations. Even if it means physically walking away, no matter how awkward that might be. Even if it means not chiming in at all, or holding a stance that isn’t “popular opinion”. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t leave work feeling happy that I’ve done my job but anxious because I’ve talked shit about so-and-so when we go on trips together to Niagara and such. It’s inauthentic and it’s not the kind of person I want to be. Those aren’t the kind of relationships I want to cultivate in my life.

It’s the “groupthink” mentality. There’s actually some parallels that I’m drawing across several situations I’m witnessing or experiencing currently. It’s hard to know or have clarity on what your own truth or stance might be when it comes to being an individual who is part of a group. Boundaries become blurred, and opinions that may not even be your own suddenly start to make sense (even if they’re opinions you don’t necessarily believe in/agree with). It’s hard. There’s love for every single person and it’s wonderful to feel a part of something bigger, a community. But when the community’s main theme becomes toxicity, that’s where the boundaries that were once blurred must now become substantial for your own sake and the sake of your individual relationships with each person who is a part of the group.

“Stand for something or you will fall for anything”. As long as every single person within this community makes it their commitment to remain within their truth and respect the truths of the people they share their space with (regardless of whether or not you agree), then that’s where communities can thrive and grow together. It simply boils down to respect. Open and honest communication. Vulnerability and trust. There’s so much that goes into building a community. You don’t realize it until something (or someone) falls through.

There’s the key!!!!!! RESPECT!!!! If I just remember that I respect EVERYONE at work (regardless of what I hear, what people say, what people think of other people) then I can maintain my boundaries. No matter what, there has to be a modicum of respect. It’s a mutual agreement that, while I may not agree with you, I can act professionally/with civility towards you.

I guess these aren’t “tests”, per se. More so they’re opportunities for growth, and I’m so appreciative of every opportunity I receive that makes me aware that I would like to do differently.

My abundance mind frame is something I’ve been struggling with for the past couple months. But, I am happy to say that I’ve made some changes and I’m actively trying to be conscious about my relationship/perspective towards abundance. I realized recently that it’s been something I’ve been tensed up about and trying to control for some time. I’ve had no faith when it comes to my abundance, nor have I extended the proper gratitude for what I do have the way I should have, for quite some time. I am doing my best to change that now.

I am grateful for what I have, for the things I can afford, for the roof over my head and the food I eat, for my ability and privilege to practice acts of generosity and kindness, to be able to live the way I do. And I have faith that I am taken care of, receiving exactly what I need, and that I am deserving of more. I am abundant now, as is.

It’s work. It really is. But only when you’re not consciously choosing to do differently. The more I choose this, the more it’ll become less of a choice and more of a natural impulse. The more I will align with my path, and with my intuition. I have every faith in that and I am so, so determined. I am so determined.

Bobby McFerrin knew the truth. “Don’t worry/ about a thing/ cause every little thing/ is gonna’ be alright.” And that, is the simple truth right there. Trust. Surrender. Let go. And do it all again.

Anyways, I am three glasses of wine in now and I think it’s about time I hit the hay. Anything else I want to talk about?

Oh yeah! I’ve upped my dosage in medication and it’s working wonderfully. I don’t know if it’s the medication on its own or the combination of everything I’m currently doing, but I feel so motivated, focused, determined, and as a result, happy. Genuinely happy, and excited. I feel like the medication is helping me to stay present, if that’s possible.

And that’s pretty much it! Being as mindful and conscious and present as possible is my current goal and mission. For some reason, now more than ever it feels so, so important. Something’s coming. Can’t explain it. Something great though. September, or whatever is to follow within this year, is going to be monumental.

Okay, that is all from le me. Gouda night, my friends.

Love always and in every way, so, so incredibly much,

Me.

Day 221 to 227 – August 9th to 15th, 2019

Hello! Things have gotten pretty busy as of late, but writing has been in the back of my mind for quite some time now. And, as I’ve had quite the day, there’s no better time to get everything all out than after a long shift with a nice glass of red wine. Ahh.

Everything has been going quite smoothly as of late! Hanging out with Chad and Olivia last week was awesome – lots of deep talks and multi-level conversations to be had about the universe and the nature of time. And then this past weekend was the second last wedding of Adrian’s family, which was so much fun!

His family was just as warm and welcoming as always, and I honestly love spending time with them. I’m hoping in my little heart of hearts that after the wedding season wears down, that I’ll also be invited to the more intimate family gatherings as well – I really want to get to know all of them better, and I want them to know me too.

This past weekend was also doubly more fun because I had the entire house to myself all weekend – my family left to the cottage and I couldn’t go because of the wedding, which meant Adrian spent the entire weekend with me here. It was so much fun alternating between being lazy and cozy, and then running around getting ready for the wedding and going together.

This week I’ve been working a lot since Maria has been on vacation. We haven’t really been doing well as we could be in terms of numbers, and I also know that when Maria is away, everyone (including myself) treats the time as a vacation in itself (no offence to her).

Also, we have barely any stock either. So… yeah, LOL.

I think I need to reiterate my boundaries when it comes to work again, on a personal and professional level, for myself. I found myself worrying about something tonight a little bit more than I’m aware I should have been.

It seems as though Maria may currently be under investigation for “bullying”, and both sides of upper management (corporate from our company and the general manager from the location we work for) came up to me to ask me some very precise questions regarding our standards or selling/incentive regulations. I was able to pick up on the undertone of the questions though, so I think I answered well enough to just be telling the truth while stretching it ever so slightly to protect Maria.

Truth be told – I know Maria doesn’t like our part-timer, and Maria has been a little bit… cold towards her. I made the decision to be neutral towards our part-timer for my own sanity a while back, but now I’m getting dragged in the middle of their conflict as an outside source and I don’t like it.

It’s a little stressful for a number of reasons:

  1. I don’t want to get Maria in trouble.
  2. I don’t know if what I’m saying corroborates what Maria is saying, has said, or what our part-timer may have been saying instead.
  3. I don’t want to get blamed for anything.
  4. I don’t understand why they’re asking me these things, and yet I do.
  5. I don’t know if I should warn Maria, or stay out of it.
  6. I told Sharon, and maybe I shouldn’t have, but I was very worried.

 

Anyways those were my initial thoughts, but I also know deep down that everything will turn out fine. I talked to Adrian about it today to vent, and he made a point that I need to keep in mind – as much as I care about Maria and do want to warn her, I’ve been told explicitly by both sides of upper management to keep this to myself. I don’t want to jeopardize my position and I also don’t want to expend anymore energy to this than I have to. I don’t want to be anymore involved than I have been. Boom, boundaries.

(Slightly wine-drunk at this point).

I’m just going to leave it be. It’s not my monkeys, so it’s not my circus. Ergo, not my business, even though I’ve been somewhat brought into it.

I think I lost a little perspective there for a moment, as I tend to do when I have work many days in a row. I start losing sight of my truth and start believing that I’m actually supposed to care more than I do about everything I experience there. But I know better than that.

Caring less doesn’t mean that I do my job any less efficiently. I go in, I do my best – but I have to remember to not get attached. The key to doing any “job” effectively (job being a means of living and finance) is to maintain healthy boundaries and a rational perspective. You leave work at work and understand that it’s not life and death.

Sometimes I forget, because I genuinely enjoy what I do and I actually have come to care about the people I work with. So sometimes, the lines I’ve drawn get a little blurred. But it’s instances like these that remind me to draw them over again, so thank for you for that Universe. I appreciate every single thing I encounter as a new opportunity to learn and grow, and sometimes, re-learn.

Anyways, the time is looming closer to decide what I’d like the rest of this year to look like. I definitely want consistent hours as I will not be returning to school until January, but I also do not want to be overworked. I want exactly 25 hours per week, as I was promised. And up to 30, only if need be. I want to make sure that above and beyond all, I have time for myself, and time for Seb.

I know the Universe has my back though, and again, everything will be fine. I’m not worried, and I don’t have any reason to be worried.

I’ve also decided to go to Marilyn’s surprise birthday this weekend, despite my earlier inhibitions. Adrian and I had plans to go to the CNE this weekend for quite sometime, but Marilyn’s boyfriend just let a few of us know earlier this week that this weekend would be a surprise party for her. I know some of the girls will be there and it’s nice that he reached out and asked if I could come with Adrian.

I know we can find another time to go to the CNE, but the reason this was also concerning to me was because of the boundaries thing again. I’m having trouble with wanting to be a nice person (for myself, not how it looks to anyone else), versus being “too nice” and having no boundaries.

But like the way I thought about it was – if Marilyn shows up to this shindig and sees Dianne and Sera and finds out that her boyfriend did invite me and I didn’t make the effort to come, I know she’ll be so sad on some level, even though she’s such a positive person. And like, even though Marilyn can be “Marilyn” sometimes (forgetful, a little self-oriented, sometimes a little too forward or abrasive) I also genuinely believe she’s a good person.

I feel like I would feel so bad if I didn’t go even though I know I could have, not just for her but on my part too. Marilyn always asks about Adrian and encourages our relationship, more than anyone else in the department. After everything she’s been through this year, the least I can do is make some time to show up and be supportive on her 50th birthday. This is a year I can make an exception for her.

This will be the first time I’m really stepping into her world too, in all our years of knowing one another. It’s interesting when a dynamic changes from a “work friend” to a “friend friend”, you know? I’ll be seeing all the people I’ve only ever seen in the pictures she’s shown me.

Anyways, I think it’ll be nice to just stop by, say hi, eat a little and go. I’ll feel good about it, know I’m making someone happy in a way that’s not at my expense, and I’ll get to do it with Adrian by my side. And, he’ll get to meet Dianne and Sera, which I’m excited for. It’ll be fun!

And also, now that I’ve already called Adrian and confirmed with my coworkers that I’ll be attending, I can’t change my mind because Adrian will probably kill me and I’ve already done the back and forth about twice with my coworkers now, LMAO. So, I’ve made my decision and I’m going to stick with it and hope for the best.

I just hate that I feel like I’m letting go of one of my precious Saturdays, to be completely honest with myself. Because Adrian works full time, the weekends are supposed to be “our time”, and so far we’ve been pretty committed to that this summer. Oh well! It’s a nice gesture, and I’d rather be able to face Marilyn when she comes back from vacation with my head held high knowing that I did my part to be a good friend.

They’re good people. I know if it were me, I’d understand and wouldn’t mind if no one could come from work. But if they did make it, it would mean the world to me too, even if it was just for a brief moment. I love them, and they’ve watched me grow from my early twenties to the woman I am now. We’ve had our differences, but they’ve also been there for me in ways that no one else has been.

So, there. That’s my decision and I’m sticking with it. Whatever is meant to be, shall be.

Ah, it felt so good to vent! Bloody hell. Anyways.

I just want to make sure I spend time with my loveeeeeeeee. My god, I love Adrian so much. All of him, his laughter, his taciturn ways, his affection, his wisdom and introspection, his skin, his eyes, just everything.

I wonder how people know they’re with the person they absolutely know they want to spend the rest of their entire lives with. Is it a slow dawning realization or is it a thunder-struck everything-becomes-clear kind of moment? Is it similar to how you realize you know you’re in love with someone? Is it just a thought that creeps up on you one day when you’re sitting across from them admiring the way their eyes crinkle as they laugh?

I know I’m such a diehard romantic. I’ve had half-fleeting thoughts of “maybe, could be” in ALL of my past relationships, probably mostly based on the fact that I am such a romantic, and less on the relationship itself. But this time? I don’t know man.

I want all of it. I want to see what we’re going to look like when we’re in our 30’s, our 40’s, our 50’s and onwards. It’s so scary to imagine being with someone for so long, but it’s an exciting fear. I can’t even imagine committing to a friendship for that long, let alone a relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone or had anyone in my life for longer than five years, max, other than family.

But that’s the thing – Adrian and I are slowly becoming best friends too. I can feel it; it’s as though all those initial walls and boundaries are slowly lowering as we spend more and more time with one another. We’ve both been in long term relationships before, so we both know what that comfort is like, what it’s like to be in a relationship with your best friend. But that’s exactly what I want.

I want us to be best friends, because one day I want us to be family. I want him to be my family. I want his family to be my family too. I want that kind of love, an all-encompassing love that’s as damn near close to unconditional as it can get.

It makes my stomach flip to admit all of this to myself. Is it nuts? Maybe, to an outside perspective or societal perspective. I’m still getting to know him, but I’m doing it all happily so.

I really, really hope that this is it. I hope it so bad that I don’t even want to “hope” it – I just want to know. I want to wake up one day, look at him the way I did the moment we sat down for that coffee together, and just know. It’s not that I have any doubts – I don’t, actually, for the most part. I’m still struggling with myself mostly, on some levels that I know I need to get past.

I’ve been certain since the get-go. I just… I can’t explain it. All I know is, if there’s anyone in this life I can imagine seeing myself wake up with once my life looks exactly as I envision it to be, it’s him. He’s right there with me, in every future scenario that I allow myself to envision.

Just hearing the sound of his voice is soothing to me. Being in his presence both makes me nervous and calms me down. I get excited every single time I know I’m about to see him. Nervous-excited, butterflies, all of it.

Anyways, I’m wine drunk and I’m pretty sure I’m rambling now. It was nice to write though!

Have faith, me. Keep doing your internal work and stay woke, stay compassionate, stay kind and know that you know what you’re doing, no matter what. Just follow your feet, just as you keep thinking that you have been.

Alright! Bed time. I’m going to be off tomorrow and Saturday and I do intend to make the most of it.

Love always!

Me.

Day 218 to 220 – August 6th to 8th, 2019

This is probably the most consistently I’ve written in months! I don’t even think this is going to be a long log but it’s nice to know that the impulse to write is slowly coming back. And better yet, I’m acting upon them! Go me, go me, go me. (And yes, I did a little dance as I typed that).

Mini update: the medication seems to be going well. Is this what it feels like to be a normal person with a regular level of motivation to get through what seems like menial daily tasks? I feel amazing, and not in the stimulated medication sense – I feel amazing because I’m actually getting things done.

It’s still a process though, because sometimes I still need to argue with myself a bit and I lose. But, I feel as I adjust to this dose of medication, that I may be able to adjust to a higher dose eventually? I definitely want to play with dosages before I get going with school again so I know what works best for me.

I finally saw Adrian yesterday!! My goodness I missed him so. I honestly wonder if this is how it felt when I went away too. But like it’s nice to know that I did miss him, because I never miss anyone, ever. It’s weird that I don’t, but that’s just how I am. Nevertheless, if he decided he wanted to take a year off to travel the world, I would wave him off on his merry way and know he’d find his way back to me. Our love for each other is free of attachment and therefore, freedom in itself.

Anyways, I’m off for the next four days from work which is WONDERFUL, and I plan on making the most of it. Tonight I’m going to hang out with Olivia and Chad at Vape Lounge, tomorrow I’m going to see a movie with Adrian and then the wedding is happening this weekend, which I’m so excited for! I can’t wait to dress up and drink and dance the night away with him.

Life’s actually going really well these days! I feel like since I’ve started being more proactive, organized and motivated, that things have been flowing as they should. Especially since I’ve been trying to put more effort into my relationship with the Universe! Synchronicities are slowly making their way back into my life, and it warms my heart every time I notice a new one.

Also, I finished my vision board and it’s AMAZING! I love it so much. Everything that I was scared to dream of, everything that I could ever want for myself, is on that board. It’s pretty detailed, but I’m finally ready to send out that certainty to the Universe, to start generating the gratitude that will allow me to manifest those dreams into my reality. I’m so happy I did it!

And I just saw a synchronicity this morning about how someone’s dreams came true; an opportunity they thought they’d missed out on actually found its way to her, and it turns out it was somewhere on her vision board without her even realizing!

I’m so excited for everything I will shape my life into – not from a need, but from a genuine enthusiasm to create my life with me and with the Universe. To live in an abundance mindset, and not the kind of mindset that comes from a quick and temporary gratitude. I’m in this for the long haul.

Anyways! I need to start getting ready to go hang out with Chad and Olivia. I actually kind of miss getting out, since I’ve been at work and indoors so much as of late! Got to make the most of those last summer days.

I love me, I love life, I love all things and I love everyone.

Love always,

Me.

Day 216 + 217 – August 4th & 5th, 2019

Hello!!!! Hooray, I found a moment to write! I’m celebrating every little victory like this (positive reinforcement, do your thang!)

I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because we ended up going over to Anne’s house to hang out with Serina, whom we haven’t seen in over a year! It was actually so much fun to hang out and catch up with her, she’s still the exact same! After an 8 hour shift I worked yesterday, it was nice to relax with them and grab some bubble tea (and spill the “tea”, hehe).

I’m off today, which means I have a whole day ahead of me to get some things done. I’m glad I’m writing, and I actually updated my online blog for the first time in a while which was nice. I also intend to read more of my book, finally get started on my vision board, do my laundry, and hopefully go through my closet and get rid of old clothes. Actually, maybe I should go through my old clothes first and get rid of stuff before I do my laundry, that way I can put everything back neatly. Sounds like a plan!

Adrian’s coming back today!!!!! Although I won’t see him, it’ll be nice to know he’s back on Canadian soil with all the scary stuff that’s happening in the US at the moment.

I’m currently on Day 3 of my medication, and I’m happy to report the nausea has seemed to wear off. Yesterday I had a bit of head pressure, but I have this headache balm that helped ease the pressure right away. All in all, things seem to be going well. But, it doesn’t feel like the medication is doing what I believe it’s supposed to be doing? Apparently I seemed kind of spacey yesterday, which worried me. I don’t have any “hyperactive” tendencies, it’s more so the inattentiveness that I want to treat. I’m hoping that that’s what this medication is for, because I don’t want to be sedated, you know? I’ll discuss these concerns with my doctor when I see her next.

Anyways, I wanted to talk about my vision board!

So a while ago, I remember writing in one of my logs about what my “ideal” life would look like. So the other day, I found that log and took that excerpt and expanded on it, so that I could really figure out what I want my life to look like.

The way I see it is this – I truly believe I can manifest exactly what I want for my life. A year or two ago, when I was in the midst of my self-love journey and pouring all this amazing, beautiful energy into myself and my life, I did these exercises in the books I read about what my “ideal” partner would be like, what my “ideal” relationship would entail. I wrote down things in a general sense, but also in small details. And, I didn’t hold back. It asked for “ideal”, so I went ideal.

After I started dating Adrian, I found this paper and read what I wrote and I was shook. Literally everything I wrote on that paper came true. Even the smallest details I wrote.

The exercise asked me to write down my ideal appearance for my partner, how we’d meet, traits, prior relationship history, hobbies/interests/occupation/finance, how he treats me and others, right down to the first thing they do/say each morning.

Appearance wise? “Tall, well-dressed (I specifically wrote “no gangsta clothes”, which makes me laugh LMAO), any age between 23-30, dark hair, light eyes, intense gaze, beardy/scruffy”. Check, for all of those.

How we met? I wrote: “it’ll be fate – I’ll run into them or meet them through A SERIES OF CIRCUMSTANCES/PEOPLE THAT WERE MEANT TO HAPPEN/I WAS MEANT TO MEET.” Yeah, big ass checkmark here in this category.

For traits, I wrote: “funny, out-going, adventurous. Compassionate, kind, and caring. Independent, self-loving, confident. Spiritual, introspective, yet chill. Affectionate, and playful.” Literally check, check, and check for literally… Every. Single. One. Of. Those. Traits.

For his prior relationship history, I wrote: “is experienced – has been in long-term relationships before, understands what long-term relationships entail in order to work, has never, ever cheated or been unfaithful.” His relationship with his ex was five, FIVE years long, and it ended for many reasons that had nothing to do with cheating. (Thank god).

For hobbies/interests/occupation/finance, I wrote: “enjoys fitness, outdoors-y stuff like sports, etc. I don’t care about their job, as long as they’re doing something that they enjoy and is stable when it comes to money.” He enjoys both working out AND playing sports, thoroughly enjoys his job of working for the soccer games company he does commentary for, AND he has his full-time job during the week (stability).

For how he treats me/others, I wrote: “treats EVERYONE with kindness, compassion and respect, equivalently.” And that’s something I’ve loved about him from the start. Those tendencies have always been there, both towards me and everyone I’ve seen him interact with.

And lastly, for the first thing he does/says every morning, I wrote: “leans over for a sleepy kiss and a “good morning” (and other things I will not mention here, hehe).” Every morning we’ve woken up together since he and I have been seeing each other, he never fails to kiss me sleepily and say “good morning beautiful/my love”. Le sigh.

Every single thing I wrote, every bit of it has been brought to life in him. I don’t know how and yet I do because I genuinely believe in the power of manifestation, magic and the Universe.

If I can write my most ideal imaginings on a piece of paper for something so important as my relationship and have it all come to life and have it all come true, then why shouldn’t I imagine my most ideal life and try to work towards making it happen?!?!?!?

I’m going to write it down, breathe life into it, protect it, nurture it, and work towards in it any way and every way that I can. I have it all typed out, but for now I’m going to keep it to myself because I would like to share these intentions with the Universe first and foremost before I share it with anything else.

One day, when it all comes true, I’ll share what I wrote with whomever needs the reassurance and the faith that truly, it is possible to manifest the exact life that you imagine for yourself.

Anyways, that’s all for today! I’m going to start putting it together now, and then get started on the rest of my to-do list today.

So far, so good me! This feels amazing. REMEMBER THIS FEELING!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 200 to 215 – July 19th to August 3rd, 2019

Hellooooooooo my precious blueberries!

I am back and what a wonderful couple weeks it has been! Goodness me I have so much to catch up about: the bridal shower, receiving my diagnosis, the cottage, the shroom trip, and beginning my medication process!

Oh boy. That’s not all though, I also want to talk about Radha, and whatever else comes to mind.

Alright, where do I even begin? I think I’ll backtrack and start with the bridal shower.

Okay so Rosie-May’s bridal shower. I was honestly so nervous at first, because I knew I’d be seeing all of Adrian’s aunts there, and Adrian wouldn’t be there (until much later), which meant I was going to have to hold my own. In some weird way, I knew the bridal shower would be kind of like a bit of a test of character, or a “get-to-know-you” kind of thing. But, I was up for it.

I came just in time (phew), and Rosie-May seated me with a bunch of her friends from work and other places, and they were so friendly. It was perfect, because it was easy for me to introduce myself and get to know everyone. I noticed that just diagonal to my table however, was all of Adrian’s aunts. I said hi to each and every one of them one by one with a cheek kiss and a hug, as per tradition, and respectfully.

It was such a beautiful shower. Massive too, probably the biggest one I’ve ever been to, which is probably an indication as to how big this wedding is going to be (but I have the perfect dress for that so I’m excited hehe).

After brunch and some introductory games, dessert was put out and oh man. There were about 4 full tables of every Italian pastry, cookie and dessert you could imagine. It was HEAVEN. I filled up my plate and I was about to head back to my table when I locked eyes with one of Adrian’s aunts. She smiled and I mustered up the courage to head over to talk to them and see how they were doing.

When I noticed that one of the chairs at their table was empty, Adrian’s aunt invited me to take a seat with them and I immediately did. And from that point, everything was perfect.

I learnt their names (finally!) and a little bit about each of them as they took turns talking with me and getting to know me in turn. They were absolutely wonderful, so warm and welcoming. They each have such a distinct personality, they’re all such characters, but such kind people and it was such a humbling experience to be able to sit with them. They “adopted” me into their table, so I didn’t go back to mine, and I played all the table games with them too.

I think by the end of it all, they seemed to like me just as much as I’d grown to like them. There was this moment where Rosie-May mentioned that Adrian’s and Vincent’s mom, their sister, should have also been present for this occasion as well and that she was dearly missed, and all of them starting crying in unison. I myself teared up, it was such a touching moment.

I feel like even though I never met her, I can see her in her sisters. I can see her in their smiles, and in the kindness of their eyes, and in their humour. Apparently she was a riot, very witty and sarcastic – so, it’s easy for me to see where Adrian got his humour from. I know she was there, and that she’s still here, living on through her family and through their love for her.

I love his family. They remind me so much of my own back in Sri Lanka – big, loud, rambunctious, constantly laughing, a little nutty, but filled to the brim with love, loyalty, kindness and warmth. It felt like being home.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to seeing them all again soon at the next wedding – which is actually a week from today! Adrian invited me to yet another one of his cousin’s weddings, hehe. He’s honestly so lucky he has all his family here. Not only is it wonderful to be able to see them and spend holidays with them, he also gets to attend all these weddings! LOL.

Well, that’s it about that! Next is… ah yes, my ADHD sessions and the conclusion.

The sessions were so interesting honestly. I did a learning disability test, I did a whole screening in regards to a whole bunch of other mental illnesses, and finally, I had a full psychiatric assessment particularly in regards to ADHD.

One of the first things she asked me was, “do you believe you have ADHD?” and I said I did believe that, and even if I didn’t, I’d figure something out.

After asking me many questions about my family history, my own personal history, after poring through my childhood report cards with me and asking about my current state of being when it comes to school and daily life, she finally looked at me and said…

“Yes. You do have ADHD.”

I can’t even begin to explain how deep my sigh of relief was. All I could think was, finally.

Finally, I had the answers I’d been searching for all this time. Finally, I could take the next steps forward into my life with the clarity I’ve been needing for so long. Finally, everything clicked into place and my whole entire life made sense.

This has been such a long time coming. I think I’ve known this for so long, but to finally hear it out loud and have it confirmed by one of the most renowned clinics in Ontario, it just… made everything that much more real.

The psychiatrist immediately printed out a letter for York explaining that these past couple years are not a true reflection of my academic capabilities, and I only just received this diagnosis. Officially, I have Inattentive ADHD to a moderate severity. Moving forward, I am to work alongside Accessibility Services at York in order to do my best. That means a separate room for examinations, notes if I need, and potentially – less loans from OSAP and more grant money. I also now have the means to complete my Academic Petition and submit it, finally.

I would like to complete all of it and submit it by September, no later than that, in order to be back in school by January. I’m also hoping by then, I’ll have found the right medication and appropriate dosage as well so that I’ll perform as optimally as possible when it comes to studying, exams, and motivation in general. Now that I know what I know, there’s nothing stopping me from getting this degree. And genuinely, I do want it. I want it for me.

Wow. I was reading through some of my old logs about when I first began this process and I was smiling the whole way through. I did it. I DID IT! I did something huge for myself by pursuing this, by following through on this. This is going to be a massive shift in my life. I can feel it.

It’s all so exciting. It feels good to be doing this for me, doing something this monumental for me and me alone. I feel like I’ve forgotten how good it feels to consciously act in self-love, and self-care.

Okies, next! The cottage.

I honestly believe that weekend was the peak, the pinnacle of my summer. It was hands down one of the best weekends I’ve experienced in this entire year thus far. It was… perfect.

I was a bit bummed out at first because last minute, Radha cancelled. She fell ill, but even before she fell ill, she kind of made the decision to not come beforehand after a very intense weekend she’d had with Kade on MDMA. I almost feel like her illness was a physical manifestation of how badly she didn’t want to come, because she needed a legitimate excuse as to why she shouldn’t. But eh, who knows. I’ll talk about that more later.

But honestly? I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. My cousins were able to come instead, which meant that Bea had some company as well, and therefore everything just felt balanced in some way. Not to mention, Krystal, Chad, Adrian and I spent a lot of time hanging out, and Olivia had Trevor, so there was a chance that Radha could have felt left out, or lonely. So in a way, I understand her reluctance to come without Kade as well.

On the Friday, me, Olivia, Trevor and Adrian headed up early and it was so much fun. We did all the road trip stuff together like pick up groceries and alcohol, stopped for food and gas and all that jazz. Once we got there, we all cooked together and yet did our own thing too. Olivia and I looked at each other at one point in amazement and a bit of incredulity because it all felt so… adult-y!!! LMAO. We still feel like such babies, but there we were, cooking along side our respective partners and organizing things and whatnot.

It was so nice. It feels like we’re making the most of our twenties, exactly as we should be. These are supposed to be the best years of our lives, and I don’t want to spend all of them so deeply concerned about what’s to come next. What will come will come, and we will face it when it does (to quote Hagrid from Harry Potter).

Anyways, eventually everyone else came too, and the first night was so much fun. It was good vibes all around – we were drinking, smoking, playing cards against humanity, just enjoying the night and each other’s company.

The next day, was the wild ride – the shrooms trip.

This day. This day was probably the craziest day in my life. I feel like I experienced almost every human emotion possible – that that one day was a life in itself. It was a play, with many acts. It was… beautiful, exquisite, humbling, grounding, freeing and so much more than words.

At first, it took me a while to adjust to the “flight upwards”. I zoomed up into this trip so much quicker than I ever had before that it was almost uncomfortable. I paced in the woods, tried to come to terms with the discomfort and the nausea. Honestly, it took me a couple hours to settle into it.

But once I did, everything was so beautiful and so vivid. Adrian’s eyes became greener than the forest behind him, his skin was golden and so wonderfully sun-kissed – I literally told him he was “god-like” and “beautiful”, LMFAO. Kristen’s hair became purple, and it was literally dancing in the wind in the most incredible ways. The water rippled in shapes I’ve never seen before, and the clouds were changing right before my eyes.

At one point, I was overwhelmed with this all-consuming, powerful wave of complete love for every single person, and everything. I cried my eyes out but the tears were borne out of a resplendent happiness, a euphoria that traced back to simply being grateful for being alive, for being where we were, for appreciating how lucky we were to experience the things that we did. It was… awe-inspiring.

There were points where I felt like I was on the inside of an acoustic guitar, where I felt like I was transported to Greece, where the tiles in the washroom came alive and become little oceans with waves and shores of pale pinks and peaches.

Shrooms are the best, LMAO. That tiny little dried fungus has the ability to allow you to see life in completely different ways, literally and figuratively.

Eventually, the trip died down and we all settled into the evening after a long day of swimming, talking, tripping, philosophizing, realizing, having epiphany after epiphany, and just… genuine bonding.

There was this moment where Chad, Krystal and I were just talking on the dock and I was telling them how much I appreciated them and their good energy, how it was always so easy to hang out with them. And Krystal in turn told me that they also appreciate having me in their lives, and I felt so warm and happy. Somewhere along the way in these past couple years, we’ve found a real and genuine kinship with one another and I’m so happy, and so grateful.

Anyways, on the Sunday we all got together in the morning to clean house, and once everything was in order we all went for one last swim in the sun before everyone headed out in their own directions. Adrian and I finished the day at Ribfest (*drool*), and that was the end of our perfect summer weekend.

I feel like this weekend forced me (in the most humbling and grounding of ways) to come back to myself. To remind me of my place in this universe, and my relationship to it. It felt like a massive therapy session that I didn’t even know I needed, and it reminded me how beautiful life can be if you just have a hand in shaping your reality for the better. How possible it all can be, to live life exactly how you imagined, even when it seems wilder than your deepest dreams.

That cottage was once nothing but trees. But Elizabeth had a vision, and she manifested it by tirelessly working towards it. Her whole life is a manifestation of her will. A clear will and undeterred desire to live life to the best it can be. She is living, walking, breathing proof that the life you dream of can be achievable if you so believe and act accordingly.

That’s what this weekend reminded me of too. How much power we have to shape our realities, to conspire with the Universe, once we become clear on what we want for ourselves and our lives. I feel like it’s finally time to get clear on those things – not in fear of the future or an obsession with it, but more so that my life can finally get some direction of that I’m heading towards. I still plan on enjoying the process just as much as I have been and being as present as possible – but it’s also exciting to know what you want to be heading towards so you can both acknowledge and be grateful when it happens.

Wow, I wrote a lot today! It’s been nice to actually just sit and write and… not get distracted and walk away from it, LOL. Speaking of – today’s the first day of my medication trials! I’m on 18 mg of Concerta for the next two weeks, and so far so good. I know it’s only my first day, but I already have a feeling I might need to up my dose in two weeks? As great as it’s been to sit here and write this, I did get up many times, or get distracted, or pick up my phone, or lose interest. I did feel good about the number 18 though, as that’s one of my Universe numbers (how I know the Universe is talking to me/connecting with me).

We’ll see how it goes! I’m honestly looking forward to this whole process, no matter what it brings. Without the trial and error, I won’t be able to know exactly what works for me. So, bring it on, the whole entire process no matter what it may entail! I will not abuse this, or mismanage this. I know the dangers of this medication and the potential side-effects, so I intend to be as careful and responsible as possible.

Alright, last on my list – Radha.

So as I mentioned before, I was honestly so bummed out that Radha bailed on the cottage so last minute. It seemed like she was so adamant on not experiencing anything without Kade after having such an intense trip with him on MDMA the weekend before, and it made me sad to think that she didn’t want to experience life without him at all to the extent that she’d avoid coming to the cottage with her friends.

And even after we got back from the cottage, talking with her lately has been… very interesting, to say the least.

During the cottage trip, me, Adrian, Chad and Krystal were talking about her and how she is, out of pure concern. How when she stumbles onto what she believes is the truth, she doesn’t question anything at all and dives into headfirst, and takes it to the extreme. There is no give, no room for anything other than what she believes, and it can be a bit worrisome sometimes. Ultimately though we all agreed she would find her path and be okay.

When I spoke to her recently, it feels as though she’s changed since that MDMA trip. More manic than usual, more spacey. It was concerning at first, and after I spoke to her I felt… sad, almost? And then I understood why.

She mentioned that she wishes she could take “people” with her on the journey she’s going through and the destination she’s headed towards, which in her mind is “moksha”, or enlightenment. And I shook my head and explained that she can’t, because everyone’s journey is their own.

In that moment, I felt sad because it felt like we were suddenly at a point where our beliefs (which once coincided so easily and deeply), suddenly changed. That our values were so different to the point that the appeal of our friendship was no longer there. I felt like this new insight she’d acquired made her feel like she’d “outgrown” me, or that she vibed too high to entertain a conversation with me any longer.

But you know what? There’s something I forgot in that moment too, and it was this, something I wrote to myself earlier this year:

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.”

I don’t have to nor do I even want to live in extremes. It’s just not my scene. I know what I want from my life, I know what my peace is, what happiness looks like to me. And even if it doesn’t look that way to someone else – even if I don’t seem “woke”, or broken out of this system, that doesn’t mean that I’m not just because it might look that way to someone else. I don’t need to live according to anyone else’s belief systems or standard’s of “wokeness” or “enlightenment” – I just want to do what’s right by me.

And I will never, ever say that my way is the “right” way or the “only” way and make anyone feel inferior or less than. What makes my way any different than anyone else’s way? If people are happy with what they have in a genuine, at-peace manner that’s free of settling and free of harming themselves or others? Who am I to judge?! They’re doing what works for them, as I intend to do what works for me.

I lost sight of that when I spoke to her, and for a brief moment felt… out of place. But you know what?

She spoke of a world filled with envy and hate that she wanted to escape from, but I don’t live like that, nor do I see the world like that. But, when I asked her if she’s happy, genuinely happy, she said she was. And so, I am happy for her. If this is her path, then it is her path. If we can find a way to enjoy our separate paths together and teach each other in a way that is free of judgement or condescension, then that would be wonderful. But if her path takes her away from me, away from our friends and life as we’ve known it currently, that’s okay too. Just as long as she is safe, happy and living life to the best it can be, then no matter what happens, life is exactly as it is meant to be. And I’m okay with that.

I know she wants that ascetic life, to “check-out”, experience life outside the life we’ve known. And I never want our friendship to be based out of attachment. So wherever she ends up, even if that means she disappears into the mountains, I will be completely and absolutely happy for her and wishing her well for the rest of my life because she’s added so much beauty and love to it while she was a part of it. She’s taught me so much, even if our views no longer coincide.

This is all just a part of life! You grow close to someone, believe in similar things, but then like the tides, life shifts and you shift and suddenly, you grow apart. Or you grow towards each other once more, many months or years later. You never truly lose anyone who’s meant to be in your life, even if time makes it seem that way. I have so much faith in this life, in my soul connections. I am not afraid to let go, and go with life as it takes me and where it takes me, with whom it takes me. I will not live my life with relationships based on attachment. What is meant for me will be for me, what is not, will not.

So – to anyone who has ever been in my life, is in my life, will not be in my life. Wherever you are, whomever you’re with, whatever you’re doing. I hope you are safe; I hope you are tirelessly seeking the answers you’re searching for, but above and beyond anything else – I hope you are happy. I will always love you, and thank you for being a part of my life when I needed you to be, and when you needed me to be a part of yours. I hope we taught each other well.

What a wonderful log this has been. I still need to maybe catch up with myself a bit. I’m also working on my vision board, which I intend to have up by this weekend. Tonight even, after work if possible.

I’ll be back! I promise.

I’m back! Work went well, although it feels like the medication kind of wore off? I was still doing absent-minded things like leaving the keys near tester units or testers and product on other counters. Hmm. But, the real test will be tonight when I attempt to go to sleep. I don’t particularly feel tired, but this does seem “early” for me, as of late.

I also felt nauseous throughout the day, here and there! That could be my body adjusting to the medication though, or an effect of anxiety. I didn’t feel too anxious today though. My heart did randomly start racing at one point in the evening, but it did get kind of busy at work and I was running around a bit, so it could have been that too.

All in all though, I’d say it was a successful first day! I didn’t have any major or serious side effects, which is great. And I know I’m going to find the right dosing for myself, someway or somehow.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

Well. What’s been going on as of late?

I’ve been going with the flow I feel. Slowly but surely making strides in my relationship with the Universe once more. Re-establishing and reaffirming my faith in it, and myself. I don’t want anything or anyone to shake it, ever again. But I know this is a life-long process, and I’m looking forward to every bit of it.

Wow, I suddenly got hit with a wave of tiredness! That’s a good thing I guess. I was lowkey worried I would be up all night since I took the medication a little bit later than I’d hoped.

I want to establish my vision board when I get a chance. It’s been a while since I’ve worked a full weekend (I’ve had every Friday + Saturday and the last two Sunday’s off this past month, heh). I’m not used to feeling like I have no time on the weekend! But eh, I do have plenty of time and will have plenty of time tomorrow after work, AND the day after that because I’ll be off.

This month is looking pretty promising too. I’ve already basically planned out every weekend this month, LOL! But we’ll see, you never know how things go.

Adrian is in Philadelphia right now with his brother and some of the other groomsmen on their bachelor trip, and he got another spontaneous travel tattoo! He got his last name on his arm, with the P in a classic Philadelphia style calligraphy. It looks so good! I love how we’re so alike in some ways, hehe.

I miss him, but I’m also keeping busy so it’s okay! He’ll be back day after tomorrow and I’ll be seeing him sometime this week for a basketball game at Ryerson.

I was reading some of the older logs of when I told him I loved him for the first time, our first trip together in New Orleans, and my heart is so warm and so happy. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve found THE love of my life, you know? All I’ve ever wanted is someone like Adrian, someone who looks at me the way he looks at me.

One day he was over at my place, helping me with some paperwork and invoices I had to scan and I was getting a little flustered. I looked up because my mom had walked over, and I noticed that she was smiling in this very particular funny kind of way, so I asked her what was so funny. She hesitated, and then came up with some story that I don’t remember now. But the truth is, she’d been smiling because she had been watching the way Adrian was watching me, with that same adoring look that I myself catch from time to time.

If my mom is seeing it too, then I know it’s real LMAO. So… life is good.

Is there anything else I’d like to address before I go?

Well, August has just begun. And in some weird way, it feels like something is coming to an end and something big is about to begin. It always feels that way when summer comes to a close and September begins. I can’t put my finger on it, but I am excited. It feels like the end of this year is going to make up for the first half of this year in a massive way. Not that the first half of this year was bad or anything like that – it just, passed, it seemed, as time does. Unremarkably, that’s the word I’m looking for.

I want to tie up loose ends this month, get things ready for the new. I want my vision board up and my petition done, I want to establish my boundaries for work come the new holiday season, and I want to plan a trip for my birthday because it’s been way too long since I’ve travelled last.

It’s going to be a great month, I can feel it. But I’m also looking forward to what’s to come.

Alright, that’s about it for tonight. I hope, maybe, that tomorrow I can find a moment to write as well. Perhaps I can use that opportunity to talk about what I’m working on in regards to my vision board? I’d like that.

Until then, (hopefully),

Love always,

Me.

Day 175 to 199 – June 24th to July 18th, 2019

Hello! Goodness it’s been a while since I’ve written.

On the brighter side, I have been meditating much more consistently – I actually feel the urge to before I go to sleep! Like I feel that need. Which means a good habit is definitely on its way to forming.

Which also means, as that habit of mine slowly solidifies itself, it’s time to start taking on another habit of mine that I think I actually miss quite dearly – writing. Every day again, without exception.

I’ve been reading an incredible book that’s helping me to get back in touch with the Universe, to strengthen my bond with it and faith in it once more. It’s called, “The Universe Has Your Back”, by Gabrielle Bernstein. I feel like she’s speaking directly to me in the way she writes, telling me exactly what I need to hear.

So, slowly but surely, I’m getting back on track to myself. And so, it’s time to write an in-depth catch-up to the best of my ability without getting distracted (which is strangely difficult because I’m doing something that I enjoy.)

I usually do the whole “mental, emotional, physical” etc. thing but I think I’m kind of… lazy? I shouldn’t be, if this going to be an in-depth log. I think instead, I’m just going to free-write and see whatever comes up. I know I feel the need to write, so maybe I owe it to myself to just address what ever comes up and write about it however I please, as honestly as I can.

Let’s see… well, I’ve started my ADHD assessment, officially!!! I’m honestly so excited about it. I do feel like I’ve been searching for answers for very long time and taking this step forward for myself will finally give me the clarity that I’ve been searching for.

I was so hesitant about it before because of how expensive it is, but after doing one last consultation with both my doctors (who both offered me their most honest opinions possible), I realized that this was definitely something I wanted to do for myself and there wasn’t any way I could turn down an opportunity like this in good faith.

Honestly, I’m like 99% sure that this is something I’ve had since childhood. And even if I have it in a milder form where I fall somewhere on a spectrum, I just feel like the more I understand about it and consequently myself, the more I can do to help myself accordingly.

I’m not afraid of it, I’m not mad about it, and I’m also not going to use it as a safety blanket or a way to take responsibility away from myself. In fact, if this diagnosis does come back the way I feel it’s going to, I’m going to take full accountability for it and try my best to do differently. They’re going to come up with a personalized treatment plan for me after a series of rigorous tests. It’s called “differentiated diagnosing”, where they do every test under the sun to rule out what it’s not in order to confirm, without a doubt, what it is.

So far, I’ve done the full-hour preliminary assessment where they ask me a whole bunch of questions about myself, my family history, my past, mental health, and various questions regarding different mental illnesses. After that, I did an hour-long learning test where they tested my learning skills and capabilities to rule out any learning disabilities such as dyslexia, etc. It was actually quite difficult (which I don’t really know what that means, but heck no I am NOT in any way unintelligent, I don’t care what any test says).

We’ll see how it goes! I have my next assessment this Monday and I believe that this is the more mental/emotional one, so I’m looking forward to it.

I think that’s about it regarding that. I’m curious about being put on medication. Will it change me? When I took the medication that Kash gave me to study, I didn’t feel any less myself. Just super calm, super clear-headed, motivated, and focused. It felt nice, like my head was finally out of water and I’d been drowning without realizing the whole time.

I’m excited. This is exactly what I need. This will help me with my struggle with consistency, discipline and motivation, I’m so sure of it.

Anyways! What next, let’s seeeeee.

Well, my low days are getting less frequent and less intense I feel. This book I’m reading has been helping me so much, along with frequent pep talks from Radha. I’m trying to be consciously free of fear, consciously trying to choose faith and love on a daily basis. Slowly but surely, I’m reigniting my connection to the Universe and bringing myself back to the state I was in last year. I’m starting to notice synchronicities and signs again, which makes my heart so happy and so content.

Summer’s been flying by it feels, but I think I’m making the most of it. I’m working less than I normally do, and by some miracle I have every weekend off since I’m mostly available to work during the week. I’ve been to the beach a couple times already, and next weekend we’re headed off to the cottage for our annual summer trip. I’m so excited! I can’t wait to be in my favourite place again, with the people I love, surrounded by nature and peace and nothing but the sound of a faint breeze over the water.

Everything has been wonderful between Adrian and I, and we’ve finally gone through some more… interesting moments, outside of our little love bubble. I’m glad though, because it was very reaffirming and grounding and I love him just the same.

And I really want to talk about these moments, but oddly enough I’m starting to get a little anxious? I think it’s because I’ve been sitting here for a while (and also getting up and getting distracted) trying to finish this. I really need to get back in touch with my love for writing, and that good feeling that follows. Maybe I just need to be more honest and open with myself, instead of just writing my surface thoughts and emotions. Am I afraid of being vulnerable with myself all a sudden? I don’t think I have anything to hide, even from my myself.

I’m just going to go with the flow and see where things go. I know better than to try and force things anyways.

I think I’m going to take a little break from this for now and come back to it. Although it did feel good to be more honest with myself, to write in a way I know is going to be for my own eyes only.

Until… later! I love you, me, I always will.

Love,

Me.

Day 163 to 174 – June 12th to 23rd, 2019

Hello, hello! I haven’t had the chance to write in a little while, but man this past week has been so hectic and so much has happened that I feel like I absolutely need to write about it in order to remember and kind of just discuss things with myself. June has been a crazy month!

Let’s see… I’ll start with last Monday, which by tomorrow will be a week ago.

So, the Raptor’s won the Championship (let’s gooooo!) and honestly it was so much fun to celebrate with the city the night that they won. And then on the Monday, there was a celebratory parade and rally set to be held at Nathan Phillip’s Square. My mom, my sister and I got to Nathan Phillip’s around 6 in the morning in order to acquire some good viewing spots, and we actually did! It was really exciting, the prospect of being able to see the players and everyone so close up.

But oh man. The day wore on, the brisk coolness of the early morning turned into a blazing heat by midday. And the parade got delayed, meaning that instead of being about 2 hours, it turned into about 4. By around 3-4 pm (which was about 7-8 hours of being stuck in the same spot in a crowd of about a million people) Olivia and I were getting extremely restless. We decided to head towards the back to visit our cousins, and I really wanted to be able to say hi to Adrian because he was also in the crowd towards the back.

We ventured out through the crowd, telling everyone jovially that we’d be back and to save our spots. But as we left the “oasis” of the front and made our way further back, people became less and less kind. “Yeah okay, nice try – you lost your spots now, don’t bother coming back”, or “you’re definitely not making it back to where you were” became the common theme of comments we heard as we navigated towards where our cousins were. And honestly, it wasn’t too difficult to make our way through that sea of people – but towards the back.

Eventually, we found our cousins and got to say hi, which was so nice and a refreshing change from being stuck in the crowd in one spot for 8 hours. I was going to go say hi to Adrian afterwards, but the crowd was so dense where he was that I figured I’d find him afterwards. So Olivia and I decided to try and make our way back towards our mom in the front.

Except, people weren’t budging, not even in the slightest. Not physically, not in any way. “Sureeee, your mom’s in the front… yeah my cousin’s up there too”, “hell nah you’re not passing us”, you name the mean comment, we heard it. Olivia was ready to fight someone practically, they were so rude. Eventually, we made it about a quarter of the way there when we got completely stuck in a crowd of people who were very tall, very big, and extremely unkind. They weren’t allowing us to pass, and all our feeble attempts of “excuse me, sorry, please we just want to get to our mom” were falling on deaf ears.

The anxiety and the claustrophobic atmosphere was unbearable and I was honestly at a loss. At this point in the day, after being trapped in that crowd for 8 hours and experiencing that amount of resentment, bitterness and terrible people, I no longer had the energy to fight anyone or push my way through any further. We stopped, looked at each other and Olivia began to cry, her anxiety and frustration finally overtaking her.

I tried so hard to keep my composure but honestly, I was losing it too. We realized we weren’t going to be able to get back to our mom (who was also extremely upset and calling us relentlessly to get back to her) so we decided to head to the back and decide what we’d do. Once we managed to make our way out of the crowd once more, I finally allowed myself to react to my extreme anxiety and had a minor breakdown as well. It was all just too much. Olivia decided to go home, and I decided to go find Adrian so that I could be with him for the duration of the event.

He was up against a wall of the skate rental building, so I had to go all the way around and try to edge my way through yet another crowd of people who were angry, frustrated, and not moving. Luckily though, there was someone standing on the ledge of the rental window who was high enough to see into the crowd. I asked him if there was a guy with a blue jays hat, and he was able to spot Adrian just a couple people down the wall. He called out to him to let him know I was close, which was so nice.

I managed to make it about half way before I basically hit a wall – a wall of two extremely tall guys who were pretending not to hear me when I explained to their backs that my boyfriend was just up ahead of them. Thankfully, Adrian was with his (tall) best friend Liam, and Liam reached up and over to gesture towards me, so the tall guys reluctantly let me through after realizing that I was telling the truth.

Lord almighty what an ordeal. The minute I managed to make it into Adrian’s arms, I immediately started crying out of pure frustration, anxiety and relief that I had finally managed to make it to him.

He managed to calm me down, pressing kisses to the side of my head and murmuring reassuring things into my ear while I tried to get my breathing under control. I think that was the first time he’s ever seen me in a panic attack, and honestly he was such a rock. Eventually I managed to calm down enough to stop crying, and settled into once again waiting for the team to make it to the rally.

Here’s where it got scary: first, a fight broke out and the sheer force of the backlash had people toppling over and pushing through the crowd to the point that we got pressed pretty heavily against the wall. Adrian literally had to put his arms out to push people back so that we wouldn’t get squashed, and at this point it wasn’t just me who was crying – people were having panic attacks left, right and center. People weren’t able to breathe, people were getting suffocated by the sheer force of the crowd.

It got worse. Eventually, the fight settled. But then all of a sudden, things got deathly quiet. I felt it before I heard it really – this sudden boom of sheer kinetic energy that washed through the crowd like an ominous wave. Before we knew it, the crowd was getting pushed towards us at a speed and power that rivalled even the most powerful of tsunamis. Adrian managed to get his arms around me to protect me with his body just in time, but we were immediately thrown against the wall, crushed and pinned there by the stampede that had begun – screams and yells of pure terror peppered the air as people began to run for their lives.

People were getting trampled, shoes were lost, children were getting separated from their parents, and people were running with their elbows up with no fucks to be given as to whom they were hitting. Everyone began fighting for their lives, their safety. Honestly, at this point I was just in shock. At first, we all tried to follow the crowd that was leaving because we weren’t sure what had happened. But we managed to calm down enough to realize that the celebrations were still on-going and the crowd seemed to be settling down, so we decided to stay and see the rest of the event through.

It was only after everything ended that we learnt that four people had been shot in the area we had been in, hence why we got caught in the stampede of people. And not too far from that, three people were stabbed close to the Eaton Center.

We managed to make it home safely and had dinner altogether, thanking our lucky stars that we made it out okay and uninjured for the most part – Adrian’s back was done in due to the rush of the crowd and my shoulder got tweaked by being caught against the wall. But at the end of the day, what was most important was that we made it out at all. But man. That anxiety stays with you. That fear… it clings to you like a second skin. The fear that if you leave your house, if you try to enjoy yourself in this city, you are imminently putting your life in jeopardy no matter how safe you may think you are.

The next day, through a series of circumstances, Radha ended up at my house the next morning because she just wanted to see me for a bit before my work shift, and she even offered to take me to work on her way back home.

But then, Olivia came downstairs and her eye was so swollen it looked like someone had punched her lights out. Not only that, it wasn’t just her eyelids that were swollen – it was her literal eyeball. The whites of her eyes were getting so puffy and stiff that it looked like her pupil was sinking beneath the whites. I immediately began panicking and decided that we had to go to the emergency room at the hospital because I’d never seen anything like that before and you don’t mess around when it comes to your sight or your eyes. It was definitely some kind of allergic reaction, so I made her take some allergy medication.

Radha immediately offered to take us to emerg, so I got someone to cover for my shift and we headed to the hospital.

But once we got there and as we were walking through, I started to realize that maybe… I’d overreacted and gave into my fear response. This was more of a walk-in clinic kind of situation, and Radha kindly explained to me that if we went through with this, we may be taking away an opportunity for someone with a real emergency-level situation to be seen right away. Olivia agreed that it wasn’t that serious and she was feeling a bit better too, so we left the hospital.

Once we got back to the car, Radha spontaneously offered to take us to this beautiful lake where her co-worker owned some property, a road trip to Innisfil to clear our heads and get some sun. At first, I was kind of hesitant – honestly, all I wanted to do at that point was go home, take a hot bath, stay in bed and be a quiet house cat. Especially with what had happened the day before.

But even Olivia was surprised. They both agreed that I’m normally more adventurous and spontaneous than that, and that I couldn’t lose that side of me. I took my discomfort as a sign that this was something we had to do. So, I agreed, and off we went.

As we were on our way there, while we were on the highway Radha was blasting some really amazing feel-good music by Tash Sultana, and she had rolled down all the windows so that the wind was blasting through the car. But there I was, sitting with my eyes closed and fists clenched, still wound up. For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to loosen up and get into the spontaneity of things.

Radha noticed, and she immediately told me open my eyes, let down my hair, stick my head out the window and just… scream. Scream at the top of my lungs.

I looked at her, and then decided she was right. I needed to scream. I slowly gripped the sides of the car door, lifted my head up through the window so that the wind was whipping through my hair, and started screaming as loud as I could.

And man… it was AMAZING. It was EXACTLY what I needed. It was freeing, and so full of pure feeling that I couldn’t even begin to express. Once I’d had my fill, I sat back down and promptly burst into tears of raw emotion. I realized that I’d bottled up all this rage and fear from the day before that I was holding onto it in my body, in my heart. I needed to let it go. I was safe now. I needed to know and believe that I was safe. I’ve never been one to live in fear, and I couldn’t be me, truly, if I ever decided to.

Afterwards, I just looked at Radha in pure amazement. I couldn’t believe how she’d known that that was exactly what I needed to do. I was so thankful, so completely grateful that she allowed me a space to release all this pent-up energy that I needed to let go of, so appreciative that she knew me so well and challenged me to leave what could have become a dangerous comfort zone under the guise of fear. She made me uncomfortable so that I could come back to myself. And I love that so much. That’s all I want from my friendships – people who help me to grow, challenge me when I need to be challenged, teach me things that I never even knew I had to learn.

Anyways, it’s getting pretty late now and I still have so much to write about – my full blown panic attack at work the following day, my double doctor’s appointments that has me closer and closer to a diagnosis and how I may be potentially starting on medication soon, and the light at the end of the tunnel that was this week in the form of the wonderful wedding I went to with Adrian where I finally met his entire family.

What I will say though, was that it was even better than I imagined. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, and I could see how important it was to Adrian that I was meeting his entire immediate family. I honestly felt so honoured that he deemed me worthy enough to “bring home” – I know it was no easy feat to decide to introduce me like that, at a family event to that scale. But more on that later. I don’t want to forget how lovely it felt to have everyone tell me how beautiful I was, how they loved my dress, even that I was “wife material”, LOL. Hehe. Not to mention, I kept up with the drinking; I took shots with his aunts a couple times!!!! His family was honestly a blast.

Yesterday was the perfect end to a very, very draining week. I feel rested, recharged, and back to myself. And tomorrow, I’m off to Niagara for a girls trip with my coworkers, and I’m so excited! Finally, it’s beginning to feel like summer. Next weekend is long weekend and Adrian and I are planning a road trip to Wasaga Beach, where we’re planning on spending the weekend there so that we can make it the most of it. Here’s to summer 2019!!

I’ll continue to write when I have to a chance to some time this week.

Love always,

Me.