Day 216 + 217 – August 4th & 5th, 2019

Hello!!!! Hooray, I found a moment to write! I’m celebrating every little victory like this (positive reinforcement, do your thang!)

I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because we ended up going over to Anne’s house to hang out with Serina, whom we haven’t seen in over a year! It was actually so much fun to hang out and catch up with her, she’s still the exact same! After an 8 hour shift I worked yesterday, it was nice to relax with them and grab some bubble tea (and spill the “tea”, hehe).

I’m off today, which means I have a whole day ahead of me to get some things done. I’m glad I’m writing, and I actually updated my online blog for the first time in a while which was nice. I also intend to read more of my book, finally get started on my vision board, do my laundry, and hopefully go through my closet and get rid of old clothes. Actually, maybe I should go through my old clothes first and get rid of stuff before I do my laundry, that way I can put everything back neatly. Sounds like a plan!

Adrian’s coming back today!!!!! Although I won’t see him, it’ll be nice to know he’s back on Canadian soil with all the scary stuff that’s happening in the US at the moment.

I’m currently on Day 3 of my medication, and I’m happy to report the nausea has seemed to wear off. Yesterday I had a bit of head pressure, but I have this headache balm that helped ease the pressure right away. All in all, things seem to be going well. But, it doesn’t feel like the medication is doing what I believe it’s supposed to be doing? Apparently I seemed kind of spacey yesterday, which worried me. I don’t have any “hyperactive” tendencies, it’s more so the inattentiveness that I want to treat. I’m hoping that that’s what this medication is for, because I don’t want to be sedated, you know? I’ll discuss these concerns with my doctor when I see her next.

Anyways, I wanted to talk about my vision board!

So a while ago, I remember writing in one of my logs about what my “ideal” life would look like. So the other day, I found that log and took that excerpt and expanded on it, so that I could really figure out what I want my life to look like.

The way I see it is this – I truly believe I can manifest exactly what I want for my life. A year or two ago, when I was in the midst of my self-love journey and pouring all this amazing, beautiful energy into myself and my life, I did these exercises in the books I read about what my “ideal” partner would be like, what my “ideal” relationship would entail. I wrote down things in a general sense, but also in small details. And, I didn’t hold back. It asked for “ideal”, so I went ideal.

After I started dating Adrian, I found this paper and read what I wrote and I was shook. Literally everything I wrote on that paper came true. Even the smallest details I wrote.

The exercise asked me to write down my ideal appearance for my partner, how we’d meet, traits, prior relationship history, hobbies/interests/occupation/finance, how he treats me and others, right down to the first thing they do/say each morning.

Appearance wise? “Tall, well-dressed (I specifically wrote “no gangsta clothes”, which makes me laugh LMAO), any age between 23-30, dark hair, light eyes, intense gaze, beardy/scruffy”. Check, for all of those.

How we met? I wrote: “it’ll be fate – I’ll run into them or meet them through A SERIES OF CIRCUMSTANCES/PEOPLE THAT WERE MEANT TO HAPPEN/I WAS MEANT TO MEET.” Yeah, big ass checkmark here in this category.

For traits, I wrote: “funny, out-going, adventurous. Compassionate, kind, and caring. Independent, self-loving, confident. Spiritual, introspective, yet chill. Affectionate, and playful.” Literally check, check, and check for literally… Every. Single. One. Of. Those. Traits.

For his prior relationship history, I wrote: “is experienced – has been in long-term relationships before, understands what long-term relationships entail in order to work, has never, ever cheated or been unfaithful.” His relationship with his ex was five, FIVE years long, and it ended for many reasons that had nothing to do with cheating. (Thank god).

For hobbies/interests/occupation/finance, I wrote: “enjoys fitness, outdoors-y stuff like sports, etc. I don’t care about their job, as long as they’re doing something that they enjoy and is stable when it comes to money.” He enjoys both working out AND playing sports, thoroughly enjoys his job of working for the soccer games company he does commentary for, AND he has his full-time job during the week (stability).

For how he treats me/others, I wrote: “treats EVERYONE with kindness, compassion and respect, equivalently.” And that’s something I’ve loved about him from the start. Those tendencies have always been there, both towards me and everyone I’ve seen him interact with.

And lastly, for the first thing he does/says every morning, I wrote: “leans over for a sleepy kiss and a “good morning” (and other things I will not mention here, hehe).” Every morning we’ve woken up together since he and I have been seeing each other, he never fails to kiss me sleepily and say “good morning beautiful/my love”. Le sigh.

Every single thing I wrote, every bit of it has been brought to life in him. I don’t know how and yet I do because I genuinely believe in the power of manifestation, magic and the Universe.

If I can write my most ideal imaginings on a piece of paper for something so important as my relationship and have it all come to life and have it all come true, then why shouldn’t I imagine my most ideal life and try to work towards making it happen?!?!?!?

I’m going to write it down, breathe life into it, protect it, nurture it, and work towards in it any way and every way that I can. I have it all typed out, but for now I’m going to keep it to myself because I would like to share these intentions with the Universe first and foremost before I share it with anything else.

One day, when it all comes true, I’ll share what I wrote with whomever needs the reassurance and the faith that truly, it is possible to manifest the exact life that you imagine for yourself.

Anyways, that’s all for today! I’m going to start putting it together now, and then get started on the rest of my to-do list today.

So far, so good me! This feels amazing. REMEMBER THIS FEELING!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 200 to 215 – July 19th to August 3rd, 2019

Hellooooooooo my precious blueberries!

I am back and what a wonderful couple weeks it has been! Goodness me I have so much to catch up about: the bridal shower, receiving my diagnosis, the cottage, the shroom trip, and beginning my medication process!

Oh boy. That’s not all though, I also want to talk about Radha, and whatever else comes to mind.

Alright, where do I even begin? I think I’ll backtrack and start with the bridal shower.

Okay so Rosie-May’s bridal shower. I was honestly so nervous at first, because I knew I’d be seeing all of Adrian’s aunts there, and Adrian wouldn’t be there (until much later), which meant I was going to have to hold my own. In some weird way, I knew the bridal shower would be kind of like a bit of a test of character, or a “get-to-know-you” kind of thing. But, I was up for it.

I came just in time (phew), and Rosie-May seated me with a bunch of her friends from work and other places, and they were so friendly. It was perfect, because it was easy for me to introduce myself and get to know everyone. I noticed that just diagonal to my table however, was all of Adrian’s aunts. I said hi to each and every one of them one by one with a cheek kiss and a hug, as per tradition, and respectfully.

It was such a beautiful shower. Massive too, probably the biggest one I’ve ever been to, which is probably an indication as to how big this wedding is going to be (but I have the perfect dress for that so I’m excited hehe).

After brunch and some introductory games, dessert was put out and oh man. There were about 4 full tables of every Italian pastry, cookie and dessert you could imagine. It was HEAVEN. I filled up my plate and I was about to head back to my table when I locked eyes with one of Adrian’s aunts. She smiled and I mustered up the courage to head over to talk to them and see how they were doing.

When I noticed that one of the chairs at their table was empty, Adrian’s aunt invited me to take a seat with them and I immediately did. And from that point, everything was perfect.

I learnt their names (finally!) and a little bit about each of them as they took turns talking with me and getting to know me in turn. They were absolutely wonderful, so warm and welcoming. They each have such a distinct personality, they’re all such characters, but such kind people and it was such a humbling experience to be able to sit with them. They “adopted” me into their table, so I didn’t go back to mine, and I played all the table games with them too.

I think by the end of it all, they seemed to like me just as much as I’d grown to like them. There was this moment where Rosie-May mentioned that Adrian’s and Vincent’s mom, their sister, should have also been present for this occasion as well and that she was dearly missed, and all of them starting crying in unison. I myself teared up, it was such a touching moment.

I feel like even though I never met her, I can see her in her sisters. I can see her in their smiles, and in the kindness of their eyes, and in their humour. Apparently she was a riot, very witty and sarcastic – so, it’s easy for me to see where Adrian got his humour from. I know she was there, and that she’s still here, living on through her family and through their love for her.

I love his family. They remind me so much of my own back in Sri Lanka – big, loud, rambunctious, constantly laughing, a little nutty, but filled to the brim with love, loyalty, kindness and warmth. It felt like being home.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to seeing them all again soon at the next wedding – which is actually a week from today! Adrian invited me to yet another one of his cousin’s weddings, hehe. He’s honestly so lucky he has all his family here. Not only is it wonderful to be able to see them and spend holidays with them, he also gets to attend all these weddings! LOL.

Well, that’s it about that! Next is… ah yes, my ADHD sessions and the conclusion.

The sessions were so interesting honestly. I did a learning disability test, I did a whole screening in regards to a whole bunch of other mental illnesses, and finally, I had a full psychiatric assessment particularly in regards to ADHD.

One of the first things she asked me was, “do you believe you have ADHD?” and I said I did believe that, and even if I didn’t, I’d figure something out.

After asking me many questions about my family history, my own personal history, after poring through my childhood report cards with me and asking about my current state of being when it comes to school and daily life, she finally looked at me and said…

“Yes. You do have ADHD.”

I can’t even begin to explain how deep my sigh of relief was. All I could think was, finally.

Finally, I had the answers I’d been searching for all this time. Finally, I could take the next steps forward into my life with the clarity I’ve been needing for so long. Finally, everything clicked into place and my whole entire life made sense.

This has been such a long time coming. I think I’ve known this for so long, but to finally hear it out loud and have it confirmed by one of the most renowned clinics in Ontario, it just… made everything that much more real.

The psychiatrist immediately printed out a letter for York explaining that these past couple years are not a true reflection of my academic capabilities, and I only just received this diagnosis. Officially, I have Inattentive ADHD to a moderate severity. Moving forward, I am to work alongside Accessibility Services at York in order to do my best. That means a separate room for examinations, notes if I need, and potentially – less loans from OSAP and more grant money. I also now have the means to complete my Academic Petition and submit it, finally.

I would like to complete all of it and submit it by September, no later than that, in order to be back in school by January. I’m also hoping by then, I’ll have found the right medication and appropriate dosage as well so that I’ll perform as optimally as possible when it comes to studying, exams, and motivation in general. Now that I know what I know, there’s nothing stopping me from getting this degree. And genuinely, I do want it. I want it for me.

Wow. I was reading through some of my old logs about when I first began this process and I was smiling the whole way through. I did it. I DID IT! I did something huge for myself by pursuing this, by following through on this. This is going to be a massive shift in my life. I can feel it.

It’s all so exciting. It feels good to be doing this for me, doing something this monumental for me and me alone. I feel like I’ve forgotten how good it feels to consciously act in self-love, and self-care.

Okies, next! The cottage.

I honestly believe that weekend was the peak, the pinnacle of my summer. It was hands down one of the best weekends I’ve experienced in this entire year thus far. It was… perfect.

I was a bit bummed out at first because last minute, Radha cancelled. She fell ill, but even before she fell ill, she kind of made the decision to not come beforehand after a very intense weekend she’d had with Kade on MDMA. I almost feel like her illness was a physical manifestation of how badly she didn’t want to come, because she needed a legitimate excuse as to why she shouldn’t. But eh, who knows. I’ll talk about that more later.

But honestly? I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. My cousins were able to come instead, which meant that Bea had some company as well, and therefore everything just felt balanced in some way. Not to mention, Krystal, Chad, Adrian and I spent a lot of time hanging out, and Olivia had Trevor, so there was a chance that Radha could have felt left out, or lonely. So in a way, I understand her reluctance to come without Kade as well.

On the Friday, me, Olivia, Trevor and Adrian headed up early and it was so much fun. We did all the road trip stuff together like pick up groceries and alcohol, stopped for food and gas and all that jazz. Once we got there, we all cooked together and yet did our own thing too. Olivia and I looked at each other at one point in amazement and a bit of incredulity because it all felt so… adult-y!!! LMAO. We still feel like such babies, but there we were, cooking along side our respective partners and organizing things and whatnot.

It was so nice. It feels like we’re making the most of our twenties, exactly as we should be. These are supposed to be the best years of our lives, and I don’t want to spend all of them so deeply concerned about what’s to come next. What will come will come, and we will face it when it does (to quote Hagrid from Harry Potter).

Anyways, eventually everyone else came too, and the first night was so much fun. It was good vibes all around – we were drinking, smoking, playing cards against humanity, just enjoying the night and each other’s company.

The next day, was the wild ride – the shrooms trip.

This day. This day was probably the craziest day in my life. I feel like I experienced almost every human emotion possible – that that one day was a life in itself. It was a play, with many acts. It was… beautiful, exquisite, humbling, grounding, freeing and so much more than words.

At first, it took me a while to adjust to the “flight upwards”. I zoomed up into this trip so much quicker than I ever had before that it was almost uncomfortable. I paced in the woods, tried to come to terms with the discomfort and the nausea. Honestly, it took me a couple hours to settle into it.

But once I did, everything was so beautiful and so vivid. Adrian’s eyes became greener than the forest behind him, his skin was golden and so wonderfully sun-kissed – I literally told him he was “god-like” and “beautiful”, LMFAO. Kristen’s hair became purple, and it was literally dancing in the wind in the most incredible ways. The water rippled in shapes I’ve never seen before, and the clouds were changing right before my eyes.

At one point, I was overwhelmed with this all-consuming, powerful wave of complete love for every single person, and everything. I cried my eyes out but the tears were borne out of a resplendent happiness, a euphoria that traced back to simply being grateful for being alive, for being where we were, for appreciating how lucky we were to experience the things that we did. It was… awe-inspiring.

There were points where I felt like I was on the inside of an acoustic guitar, where I felt like I was transported to Greece, where the tiles in the washroom came alive and become little oceans with waves and shores of pale pinks and peaches.

Shrooms are the best, LMAO. That tiny little dried fungus has the ability to allow you to see life in completely different ways, literally and figuratively.

Eventually, the trip died down and we all settled into the evening after a long day of swimming, talking, tripping, philosophizing, realizing, having epiphany after epiphany, and just… genuine bonding.

There was this moment where Chad, Krystal and I were just talking on the dock and I was telling them how much I appreciated them and their good energy, how it was always so easy to hang out with them. And Krystal in turn told me that they also appreciate having me in their lives, and I felt so warm and happy. Somewhere along the way in these past couple years, we’ve found a real and genuine kinship with one another and I’m so happy, and so grateful.

Anyways, on the Sunday we all got together in the morning to clean house, and once everything was in order we all went for one last swim in the sun before everyone headed out in their own directions. Adrian and I finished the day at Ribfest (*drool*), and that was the end of our perfect summer weekend.

I feel like this weekend forced me (in the most humbling and grounding of ways) to come back to myself. To remind me of my place in this universe, and my relationship to it. It felt like a massive therapy session that I didn’t even know I needed, and it reminded me how beautiful life can be if you just have a hand in shaping your reality for the better. How possible it all can be, to live life exactly how you imagined, even when it seems wilder than your deepest dreams.

That cottage was once nothing but trees. But Elizabeth had a vision, and she manifested it by tirelessly working towards it. Her whole life is a manifestation of her will. A clear will and undeterred desire to live life to the best it can be. She is living, walking, breathing proof that the life you dream of can be achievable if you so believe and act accordingly.

That’s what this weekend reminded me of too. How much power we have to shape our realities, to conspire with the Universe, once we become clear on what we want for ourselves and our lives. I feel like it’s finally time to get clear on those things – not in fear of the future or an obsession with it, but more so that my life can finally get some direction of that I’m heading towards. I still plan on enjoying the process just as much as I have been and being as present as possible – but it’s also exciting to know what you want to be heading towards so you can both acknowledge and be grateful when it happens.

Wow, I wrote a lot today! It’s been nice to actually just sit and write and… not get distracted and walk away from it, LOL. Speaking of – today’s the first day of my medication trials! I’m on 18 mg of Concerta for the next two weeks, and so far so good. I know it’s only my first day, but I already have a feeling I might need to up my dose in two weeks? As great as it’s been to sit here and write this, I did get up many times, or get distracted, or pick up my phone, or lose interest. I did feel good about the number 18 though, as that’s one of my Universe numbers (how I know the Universe is talking to me/connecting with me).

We’ll see how it goes! I’m honestly looking forward to this whole process, no matter what it brings. Without the trial and error, I won’t be able to know exactly what works for me. So, bring it on, the whole entire process no matter what it may entail! I will not abuse this, or mismanage this. I know the dangers of this medication and the potential side-effects, so I intend to be as careful and responsible as possible.

Alright, last on my list – Radha.

So as I mentioned before, I was honestly so bummed out that Radha bailed on the cottage so last minute. It seemed like she was so adamant on not experiencing anything without Kade after having such an intense trip with him on MDMA the weekend before, and it made me sad to think that she didn’t want to experience life without him at all to the extent that she’d avoid coming to the cottage with her friends.

And even after we got back from the cottage, talking with her lately has been… very interesting, to say the least.

During the cottage trip, me, Adrian, Chad and Krystal were talking about her and how she is, out of pure concern. How when she stumbles onto what she believes is the truth, she doesn’t question anything at all and dives into headfirst, and takes it to the extreme. There is no give, no room for anything other than what she believes, and it can be a bit worrisome sometimes. Ultimately though we all agreed she would find her path and be okay.

When I spoke to her recently, it feels as though she’s changed since that MDMA trip. More manic than usual, more spacey. It was concerning at first, and after I spoke to her I felt… sad, almost? And then I understood why.

She mentioned that she wishes she could take “people” with her on the journey she’s going through and the destination she’s headed towards, which in her mind is “moksha”, or enlightenment. And I shook my head and explained that she can’t, because everyone’s journey is their own.

In that moment, I felt sad because it felt like we were suddenly at a point where our beliefs (which once coincided so easily and deeply), suddenly changed. That our values were so different to the point that the appeal of our friendship was no longer there. I felt like this new insight she’d acquired made her feel like she’d “outgrown” me, or that she vibed too high to entertain a conversation with me any longer.

But you know what? There’s something I forgot in that moment too, and it was this, something I wrote to myself earlier this year:

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.”

I don’t have to nor do I even want to live in extremes. It’s just not my scene. I know what I want from my life, I know what my peace is, what happiness looks like to me. And even if it doesn’t look that way to someone else – even if I don’t seem “woke”, or broken out of this system, that doesn’t mean that I’m not just because it might look that way to someone else. I don’t need to live according to anyone else’s belief systems or standard’s of “wokeness” or “enlightenment” – I just want to do what’s right by me.

And I will never, ever say that my way is the “right” way or the “only” way and make anyone feel inferior or less than. What makes my way any different than anyone else’s way? If people are happy with what they have in a genuine, at-peace manner that’s free of settling and free of harming themselves or others? Who am I to judge?! They’re doing what works for them, as I intend to do what works for me.

I lost sight of that when I spoke to her, and for a brief moment felt… out of place. But you know what?

She spoke of a world filled with envy and hate that she wanted to escape from, but I don’t live like that, nor do I see the world like that. But, when I asked her if she’s happy, genuinely happy, she said she was. And so, I am happy for her. If this is her path, then it is her path. If we can find a way to enjoy our separate paths together and teach each other in a way that is free of judgement or condescension, then that would be wonderful. But if her path takes her away from me, away from our friends and life as we’ve known it currently, that’s okay too. Just as long as she is safe, happy and living life to the best it can be, then no matter what happens, life is exactly as it is meant to be. And I’m okay with that.

I know she wants that ascetic life, to “check-out”, experience life outside the life we’ve known. And I never want our friendship to be based out of attachment. So wherever she ends up, even if that means she disappears into the mountains, I will be completely and absolutely happy for her and wishing her well for the rest of my life because she’s added so much beauty and love to it while she was a part of it. She’s taught me so much, even if our views no longer coincide.

This is all just a part of life! You grow close to someone, believe in similar things, but then like the tides, life shifts and you shift and suddenly, you grow apart. Or you grow towards each other once more, many months or years later. You never truly lose anyone who’s meant to be in your life, even if time makes it seem that way. I have so much faith in this life, in my soul connections. I am not afraid to let go, and go with life as it takes me and where it takes me, with whom it takes me. I will not live my life with relationships based on attachment. What is meant for me will be for me, what is not, will not.

So – to anyone who has ever been in my life, is in my life, will not be in my life. Wherever you are, whomever you’re with, whatever you’re doing. I hope you are safe; I hope you are tirelessly seeking the answers you’re searching for, but above and beyond anything else – I hope you are happy. I will always love you, and thank you for being a part of my life when I needed you to be, and when you needed me to be a part of yours. I hope we taught each other well.

What a wonderful log this has been. I still need to maybe catch up with myself a bit. I’m also working on my vision board, which I intend to have up by this weekend. Tonight even, after work if possible.

I’ll be back! I promise.

I’m back! Work went well, although it feels like the medication kind of wore off? I was still doing absent-minded things like leaving the keys near tester units or testers and product on other counters. Hmm. But, the real test will be tonight when I attempt to go to sleep. I don’t particularly feel tired, but this does seem “early” for me, as of late.

I also felt nauseous throughout the day, here and there! That could be my body adjusting to the medication though, or an effect of anxiety. I didn’t feel too anxious today though. My heart did randomly start racing at one point in the evening, but it did get kind of busy at work and I was running around a bit, so it could have been that too.

All in all though, I’d say it was a successful first day! I didn’t have any major or serious side effects, which is great. And I know I’m going to find the right dosing for myself, someway or somehow.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

Well. What’s been going on as of late?

I’ve been going with the flow I feel. Slowly but surely making strides in my relationship with the Universe once more. Re-establishing and reaffirming my faith in it, and myself. I don’t want anything or anyone to shake it, ever again. But I know this is a life-long process, and I’m looking forward to every bit of it.

Wow, I suddenly got hit with a wave of tiredness! That’s a good thing I guess. I was lowkey worried I would be up all night since I took the medication a little bit later than I’d hoped.

I want to establish my vision board when I get a chance. It’s been a while since I’ve worked a full weekend (I’ve had every Friday + Saturday and the last two Sunday’s off this past month, heh). I’m not used to feeling like I have no time on the weekend! But eh, I do have plenty of time and will have plenty of time tomorrow after work, AND the day after that because I’ll be off.

This month is looking pretty promising too. I’ve already basically planned out every weekend this month, LOL! But we’ll see, you never know how things go.

Adrian is in Philadelphia right now with his brother and some of the other groomsmen on their bachelor trip, and he got another spontaneous travel tattoo! He got his last name on his arm, with the P in a classic Philadelphia style calligraphy. It looks so good! I love how we’re so alike in some ways, hehe.

I miss him, but I’m also keeping busy so it’s okay! He’ll be back day after tomorrow and I’ll be seeing him sometime this week for a basketball game at Ryerson.

I was reading some of the older logs of when I told him I loved him for the first time, our first trip together in New Orleans, and my heart is so warm and so happy. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve found THE love of my life, you know? All I’ve ever wanted is someone like Adrian, someone who looks at me the way he looks at me.

One day he was over at my place, helping me with some paperwork and invoices I had to scan and I was getting a little flustered. I looked up because my mom had walked over, and I noticed that she was smiling in this very particular funny kind of way, so I asked her what was so funny. She hesitated, and then came up with some story that I don’t remember now. But the truth is, she’d been smiling because she had been watching the way Adrian was watching me, with that same adoring look that I myself catch from time to time.

If my mom is seeing it too, then I know it’s real LMAO. So… life is good.

Is there anything else I’d like to address before I go?

Well, August has just begun. And in some weird way, it feels like something is coming to an end and something big is about to begin. It always feels that way when summer comes to a close and September begins. I can’t put my finger on it, but I am excited. It feels like the end of this year is going to make up for the first half of this year in a massive way. Not that the first half of this year was bad or anything like that – it just, passed, it seemed, as time does. Unremarkably, that’s the word I’m looking for.

I want to tie up loose ends this month, get things ready for the new. I want my vision board up and my petition done, I want to establish my boundaries for work come the new holiday season, and I want to plan a trip for my birthday because it’s been way too long since I’ve travelled last.

It’s going to be a great month, I can feel it. But I’m also looking forward to what’s to come.

Alright, that’s about it for tonight. I hope, maybe, that tomorrow I can find a moment to write as well. Perhaps I can use that opportunity to talk about what I’m working on in regards to my vision board? I’d like that.

Until then, (hopefully),

Love always,

Me.

Day 175 to 199 – June 24th to July 18th, 2019

Hello! Goodness it’s been a while since I’ve written.

On the brighter side, I have been meditating much more consistently – I actually feel the urge to before I go to sleep! Like I feel that need. Which means a good habit is definitely on its way to forming.

Which also means, as that habit of mine slowly solidifies itself, it’s time to start taking on another habit of mine that I think I actually miss quite dearly – writing. Every day again, without exception.

I’ve been reading an incredible book that’s helping me to get back in touch with the Universe, to strengthen my bond with it and faith in it once more. It’s called, “The Universe Has Your Back”, by Gabrielle Bernstein. I feel like she’s speaking directly to me in the way she writes, telling me exactly what I need to hear.

So, slowly but surely, I’m getting back on track to myself. And so, it’s time to write an in-depth catch-up to the best of my ability without getting distracted (which is strangely difficult because I’m doing something that I enjoy.)

I usually do the whole “mental, emotional, physical” etc. thing but I think I’m kind of… lazy? I shouldn’t be, if this going to be an in-depth log. I think instead, I’m just going to free-write and see whatever comes up. I know I feel the need to write, so maybe I owe it to myself to just address what ever comes up and write about it however I please, as honestly as I can.

Let’s see… well, I’ve started my ADHD assessment, officially!!! I’m honestly so excited about it. I do feel like I’ve been searching for answers for very long time and taking this step forward for myself will finally give me the clarity that I’ve been searching for.

I was so hesitant about it before because of how expensive it is, but after doing one last consultation with both my doctors (who both offered me their most honest opinions possible), I realized that this was definitely something I wanted to do for myself and there wasn’t any way I could turn down an opportunity like this in good faith.

Honestly, I’m like 99% sure that this is something I’ve had since childhood. And even if I have it in a milder form where I fall somewhere on a spectrum, I just feel like the more I understand about it and consequently myself, the more I can do to help myself accordingly.

I’m not afraid of it, I’m not mad about it, and I’m also not going to use it as a safety blanket or a way to take responsibility away from myself. In fact, if this diagnosis does come back the way I feel it’s going to, I’m going to take full accountability for it and try my best to do differently. They’re going to come up with a personalized treatment plan for me after a series of rigorous tests. It’s called “differentiated diagnosing”, where they do every test under the sun to rule out what it’s not in order to confirm, without a doubt, what it is.

So far, I’ve done the full-hour preliminary assessment where they ask me a whole bunch of questions about myself, my family history, my past, mental health, and various questions regarding different mental illnesses. After that, I did an hour-long learning test where they tested my learning skills and capabilities to rule out any learning disabilities such as dyslexia, etc. It was actually quite difficult (which I don’t really know what that means, but heck no I am NOT in any way unintelligent, I don’t care what any test says).

We’ll see how it goes! I have my next assessment this Monday and I believe that this is the more mental/emotional one, so I’m looking forward to it.

I think that’s about it regarding that. I’m curious about being put on medication. Will it change me? When I took the medication that Kash gave me to study, I didn’t feel any less myself. Just super calm, super clear-headed, motivated, and focused. It felt nice, like my head was finally out of water and I’d been drowning without realizing the whole time.

I’m excited. This is exactly what I need. This will help me with my struggle with consistency, discipline and motivation, I’m so sure of it.

Anyways! What next, let’s seeeeee.

Well, my low days are getting less frequent and less intense I feel. This book I’m reading has been helping me so much, along with frequent pep talks from Radha. I’m trying to be consciously free of fear, consciously trying to choose faith and love on a daily basis. Slowly but surely, I’m reigniting my connection to the Universe and bringing myself back to the state I was in last year. I’m starting to notice synchronicities and signs again, which makes my heart so happy and so content.

Summer’s been flying by it feels, but I think I’m making the most of it. I’m working less than I normally do, and by some miracle I have every weekend off since I’m mostly available to work during the week. I’ve been to the beach a couple times already, and next weekend we’re headed off to the cottage for our annual summer trip. I’m so excited! I can’t wait to be in my favourite place again, with the people I love, surrounded by nature and peace and nothing but the sound of a faint breeze over the water.

Everything has been wonderful between Adrian and I, and we’ve finally gone through some more… interesting moments, outside of our little love bubble. I’m glad though, because it was very reaffirming and grounding and I love him just the same.

And I really want to talk about these moments, but oddly enough I’m starting to get a little anxious? I think it’s because I’ve been sitting here for a while (and also getting up and getting distracted) trying to finish this. I really need to get back in touch with my love for writing, and that good feeling that follows. Maybe I just need to be more honest and open with myself, instead of just writing my surface thoughts and emotions. Am I afraid of being vulnerable with myself all a sudden? I don’t think I have anything to hide, even from my myself.

I’m just going to go with the flow and see where things go. I know better than to try and force things anyways.

I think I’m going to take a little break from this for now and come back to it. Although it did feel good to be more honest with myself, to write in a way I know is going to be for my own eyes only.

Until… later! I love you, me, I always will.

Love,

Me.

Day 163 to 174 – June 12th to 23rd, 2019

Hello, hello! I haven’t had the chance to write in a little while, but man this past week has been so hectic and so much has happened that I feel like I absolutely need to write about it in order to remember and kind of just discuss things with myself. June has been a crazy month!

Let’s see… I’ll start with last Monday, which by tomorrow will be a week ago.

So, the Raptor’s won the Championship (let’s gooooo!) and honestly it was so much fun to celebrate with the city the night that they won. And then on the Monday, there was a celebratory parade and rally set to be held at Nathan Phillip’s Square. My mom, my sister and I got to Nathan Phillip’s around 6 in the morning in order to acquire some good viewing spots, and we actually did! It was really exciting, the prospect of being able to see the players and everyone so close up.

But oh man. The day wore on, the brisk coolness of the early morning turned into a blazing heat by midday. And the parade got delayed, meaning that instead of being about 2 hours, it turned into about 4. By around 3-4 pm (which was about 7-8 hours of being stuck in the same spot in a crowd of about a million people) Olivia and I were getting extremely restless. We decided to head towards the back to visit our cousins, and I really wanted to be able to say hi to Adrian because he was also in the crowd towards the back.

We ventured out through the crowd, telling everyone jovially that we’d be back and to save our spots. But as we left the “oasis” of the front and made our way further back, people became less and less kind. “Yeah okay, nice try – you lost your spots now, don’t bother coming back”, or “you’re definitely not making it back to where you were” became the common theme of comments we heard as we navigated towards where our cousins were. And honestly, it wasn’t too difficult to make our way through that sea of people – but towards the back.

Eventually, we found our cousins and got to say hi, which was so nice and a refreshing change from being stuck in the crowd in one spot for 8 hours. I was going to go say hi to Adrian afterwards, but the crowd was so dense where he was that I figured I’d find him afterwards. So Olivia and I decided to try and make our way back towards our mom in the front.

Except, people weren’t budging, not even in the slightest. Not physically, not in any way. “Sureeee, your mom’s in the front… yeah my cousin’s up there too”, “hell nah you’re not passing us”, you name the mean comment, we heard it. Olivia was ready to fight someone practically, they were so rude. Eventually, we made it about a quarter of the way there when we got completely stuck in a crowd of people who were very tall, very big, and extremely unkind. They weren’t allowing us to pass, and all our feeble attempts of “excuse me, sorry, please we just want to get to our mom” were falling on deaf ears.

The anxiety and the claustrophobic atmosphere was unbearable and I was honestly at a loss. At this point in the day, after being trapped in that crowd for 8 hours and experiencing that amount of resentment, bitterness and terrible people, I no longer had the energy to fight anyone or push my way through any further. We stopped, looked at each other and Olivia began to cry, her anxiety and frustration finally overtaking her.

I tried so hard to keep my composure but honestly, I was losing it too. We realized we weren’t going to be able to get back to our mom (who was also extremely upset and calling us relentlessly to get back to her) so we decided to head to the back and decide what we’d do. Once we managed to make our way out of the crowd once more, I finally allowed myself to react to my extreme anxiety and had a minor breakdown as well. It was all just too much. Olivia decided to go home, and I decided to go find Adrian so that I could be with him for the duration of the event.

He was up against a wall of the skate rental building, so I had to go all the way around and try to edge my way through yet another crowd of people who were angry, frustrated, and not moving. Luckily though, there was someone standing on the ledge of the rental window who was high enough to see into the crowd. I asked him if there was a guy with a blue jays hat, and he was able to spot Adrian just a couple people down the wall. He called out to him to let him know I was close, which was so nice.

I managed to make it about half way before I basically hit a wall – a wall of two extremely tall guys who were pretending not to hear me when I explained to their backs that my boyfriend was just up ahead of them. Thankfully, Adrian was with his (tall) best friend Liam, and Liam reached up and over to gesture towards me, so the tall guys reluctantly let me through after realizing that I was telling the truth.

Lord almighty what an ordeal. The minute I managed to make it into Adrian’s arms, I immediately started crying out of pure frustration, anxiety and relief that I had finally managed to make it to him.

He managed to calm me down, pressing kisses to the side of my head and murmuring reassuring things into my ear while I tried to get my breathing under control. I think that was the first time he’s ever seen me in a panic attack, and honestly he was such a rock. Eventually I managed to calm down enough to stop crying, and settled into once again waiting for the team to make it to the rally.

Here’s where it got scary: first, a fight broke out and the sheer force of the backlash had people toppling over and pushing through the crowd to the point that we got pressed pretty heavily against the wall. Adrian literally had to put his arms out to push people back so that we wouldn’t get squashed, and at this point it wasn’t just me who was crying – people were having panic attacks left, right and center. People weren’t able to breathe, people were getting suffocated by the sheer force of the crowd.

It got worse. Eventually, the fight settled. But then all of a sudden, things got deathly quiet. I felt it before I heard it really – this sudden boom of sheer kinetic energy that washed through the crowd like an ominous wave. Before we knew it, the crowd was getting pushed towards us at a speed and power that rivalled even the most powerful of tsunamis. Adrian managed to get his arms around me to protect me with his body just in time, but we were immediately thrown against the wall, crushed and pinned there by the stampede that had begun – screams and yells of pure terror peppered the air as people began to run for their lives.

People were getting trampled, shoes were lost, children were getting separated from their parents, and people were running with their elbows up with no fucks to be given as to whom they were hitting. Everyone began fighting for their lives, their safety. Honestly, at this point I was just in shock. At first, we all tried to follow the crowd that was leaving because we weren’t sure what had happened. But we managed to calm down enough to realize that the celebrations were still on-going and the crowd seemed to be settling down, so we decided to stay and see the rest of the event through.

It was only after everything ended that we learnt that four people had been shot in the area we had been in, hence why we got caught in the stampede of people. And not too far from that, three people were stabbed close to the Eaton Center.

We managed to make it home safely and had dinner altogether, thanking our lucky stars that we made it out okay and uninjured for the most part – Adrian’s back was done in due to the rush of the crowd and my shoulder got tweaked by being caught against the wall. But at the end of the day, what was most important was that we made it out at all. But man. That anxiety stays with you. That fear… it clings to you like a second skin. The fear that if you leave your house, if you try to enjoy yourself in this city, you are imminently putting your life in jeopardy no matter how safe you may think you are.

The next day, through a series of circumstances, Radha ended up at my house the next morning because she just wanted to see me for a bit before my work shift, and she even offered to take me to work on her way back home.

But then, Olivia came downstairs and her eye was so swollen it looked like someone had punched her lights out. Not only that, it wasn’t just her eyelids that were swollen – it was her literal eyeball. The whites of her eyes were getting so puffy and stiff that it looked like her pupil was sinking beneath the whites. I immediately began panicking and decided that we had to go to the emergency room at the hospital because I’d never seen anything like that before and you don’t mess around when it comes to your sight or your eyes. It was definitely some kind of allergic reaction, so I made her take some allergy medication.

Radha immediately offered to take us to emerg, so I got someone to cover for my shift and we headed to the hospital.

But once we got there and as we were walking through, I started to realize that maybe… I’d overreacted and gave into my fear response. This was more of a walk-in clinic kind of situation, and Radha kindly explained to me that if we went through with this, we may be taking away an opportunity for someone with a real emergency-level situation to be seen right away. Olivia agreed that it wasn’t that serious and she was feeling a bit better too, so we left the hospital.

Once we got back to the car, Radha spontaneously offered to take us to this beautiful lake where her co-worker owned some property, a road trip to Innisfil to clear our heads and get some sun. At first, I was kind of hesitant – honestly, all I wanted to do at that point was go home, take a hot bath, stay in bed and be a quiet house cat. Especially with what had happened the day before.

But even Olivia was surprised. They both agreed that I’m normally more adventurous and spontaneous than that, and that I couldn’t lose that side of me. I took my discomfort as a sign that this was something we had to do. So, I agreed, and off we went.

As we were on our way there, while we were on the highway Radha was blasting some really amazing feel-good music by Tash Sultana, and she had rolled down all the windows so that the wind was blasting through the car. But there I was, sitting with my eyes closed and fists clenched, still wound up. For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to loosen up and get into the spontaneity of things.

Radha noticed, and she immediately told me open my eyes, let down my hair, stick my head out the window and just… scream. Scream at the top of my lungs.

I looked at her, and then decided she was right. I needed to scream. I slowly gripped the sides of the car door, lifted my head up through the window so that the wind was whipping through my hair, and started screaming as loud as I could.

And man… it was AMAZING. It was EXACTLY what I needed. It was freeing, and so full of pure feeling that I couldn’t even begin to express. Once I’d had my fill, I sat back down and promptly burst into tears of raw emotion. I realized that I’d bottled up all this rage and fear from the day before that I was holding onto it in my body, in my heart. I needed to let it go. I was safe now. I needed to know and believe that I was safe. I’ve never been one to live in fear, and I couldn’t be me, truly, if I ever decided to.

Afterwards, I just looked at Radha in pure amazement. I couldn’t believe how she’d known that that was exactly what I needed to do. I was so thankful, so completely grateful that she allowed me a space to release all this pent-up energy that I needed to let go of, so appreciative that she knew me so well and challenged me to leave what could have become a dangerous comfort zone under the guise of fear. She made me uncomfortable so that I could come back to myself. And I love that so much. That’s all I want from my friendships – people who help me to grow, challenge me when I need to be challenged, teach me things that I never even knew I had to learn.

Anyways, it’s getting pretty late now and I still have so much to write about – my full blown panic attack at work the following day, my double doctor’s appointments that has me closer and closer to a diagnosis and how I may be potentially starting on medication soon, and the light at the end of the tunnel that was this week in the form of the wonderful wedding I went to with Adrian where I finally met his entire family.

What I will say though, was that it was even better than I imagined. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, and I could see how important it was to Adrian that I was meeting his entire immediate family. I honestly felt so honoured that he deemed me worthy enough to “bring home” – I know it was no easy feat to decide to introduce me like that, at a family event to that scale. But more on that later. I don’t want to forget how lovely it felt to have everyone tell me how beautiful I was, how they loved my dress, even that I was “wife material”, LOL. Hehe. Not to mention, I kept up with the drinking; I took shots with his aunts a couple times!!!! His family was honestly a blast.

Yesterday was the perfect end to a very, very draining week. I feel rested, recharged, and back to myself. And tomorrow, I’m off to Niagara for a girls trip with my coworkers, and I’m so excited! Finally, it’s beginning to feel like summer. Next weekend is long weekend and Adrian and I are planning a road trip to Wasaga Beach, where we’re planning on spending the weekend there so that we can make it the most of it. Here’s to summer 2019!!

I’ll continue to write when I have to a chance to some time this week.

Love always,

Me.

Day 150 to 162 – May 30th to June 11th, 2019

Hello! It’s been a little while since I’ve written last, but it’s safe to say I’ve been doing a lot better since I’ve started writing again. I’ve gotten a little lazy lately with meditating, but I’m determined to get on track with it this summer. And I will.

I don’t think I wrote about my latest doctor’s appointment, so I’ll do a quick update about that and touch upon some other thoughts I’ve been thinking lately.

So, I saw the clinic’s social worker. She wasn’t informed about why I had been referred to see her, so I gave her a little background information about myself, and I explained what I was going through currently, and why I was there. She seems really nice, and she promised that we’d collaborate with my family doctor in order to get things moving. She made it clear that she wouldn’t be doing the diagnosing, but that she could help me with the more menial things, like how I would go about managing my life and aspects of it.

She did refer a course to me – a six week course on mindfulness and meditation that once used to be very expensive but was posted online for free for anyone to do. I’m definitely interested in doing that, since I don’t have school at the moment. It’s just a matter of finding a moment (which I have plenty of, I just always have trouble starting things. And finishing them. LOL)

Anyways, I have a follow up appointment with them both in about two weeks, which I’m really looking forward to. I really want to get to these answers as soon as I can. The quicker I have that certainty, the quicker I can start considering what I’d like to do with the rest of this year and the years to follow as an inevitable result.

I’m not worried anymore though, honestly. I had some pretty serious anxiety about it before. But now? I have faith. I know that no matter what ends up happening, my path doesn’t have to look anything like what I’ve been told, what I’ve been taught, or what other people’s paths look like. I also have complete faith in the fact that no matter what I choose to set my mind to, as long as I’m at peace with myself, I can do anything I want. I can learn anything, be anything, do anything. And I’ll be more than okay.

Every day that passes, I’m reminded once more of the things I continuously learn over and over. About boundaries. About choices.

I want to choose to be happy, each and every day. To choose the good over the “bad”. To not place such importance on either, because none of it really matters (in the best ways possible – everything is temporary). I want to remember to maintain my boundaries, remember how important they are. Remember that I can only give so much, no matter how much people may ask. I only have so much for myself as it is.

I want to use my time wisely. I have so much of it, and yet because of the choices I make, it sometimes seems like I barely have any at all.

So, one day at a time. This summer, I’m working on me again. With the support of both myself, and the wonderful people around me, little by little, I’ll get back on track again. Already, I’m feeling so much better. I can’t lose sight of what’s important.

Works been going well – this week is going to be a little bit hectic because we have our massive VIP event and then Father’s Day weekend right after. But after this week, “summer” mode officially begins. No more massive events, not for a little while at least. Ahhh, I can’t wait!

And, I’ve booked off both weekends after this weekend. Next weekend is the wedding of Adrian’s cousin (which I’m still trying to nab the perfect dress for, wish me luck), and then on the Monday and Tuesday after that weekend, me and the work girls are going to Niagara!!! We’re going to have so much fun, and it’s finally going to feel like the summer!!

The next weekend after that (which is Canada Day long weekend), Adrian and I have plans to rent an AirBNB and do a little getaway weekend, just the two of us. I’m so happy that we find such special ways to spend time with one another, and I’m so excited to get away with him.

Today was a good day! I helped out Marilyn with her resume, and she’s looking forward to starting a new chapter in her life. I truly and sincerely hope that she’ll be able to get the job that she wants, because I genuinely think she’ll be great at it and that it’ll be good for her.

And I think it’ll be good for our friend group as a whole, the more of us that leave the hive. It’s just, being cooped up together in that little department on a constant basis doesn’t do any favours for our friendships with one another, especially being in a competitive commission-based environment, you know? And everyone has such good qualities too, and I love everyone, but when you’re forced to spend that much time with people, the resultant clash is inevitable here and there.

A lot of changes in the air this year, and I think that despite the implications these changes seem to hold, I truly think that everything’s for the best. In one way or another. You can’t get attached to things or places for too long, I guess that’s how you create comfort zones.

I’m glad that I’m also remembering to take moments like this to myself when I can. I’m currently sitting outside on the porch, listening to music, soaking up every ray of warm sun that I can. With everyone being home all the time, it’s hard sometimes to find a moment to just be on my own. Lord knows I appreciate so much when I have the house to myself, because those moments are few and far between.

It’s been weird, these days lately. I notice sometimes there are days where people reach out to me more, sometimes randomly or out of the blue, more so than usual. And every time, I’m faced with the choice of how I want to expend my energy and whether or not I should.

It makes me wonder sometimes if I really do have the capacity to become a therapist or counsellor. I don’t know if I could do that on a constant basis unless I was super disciplined about maintaining boundaries and taking the time I needed for myself as a result.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for today! I think I’ll read a chapter of my new book (which has been really illuminating in regards to living with ADHD and how you can deal with it, if you have it or even think you have it).

Speaking of, before I go – so much of what I’m reading in this book reminds me of Olivia! I’m so sure she has it too. But maybe she’s not in a place where she’s ready to tackle it yet, and it’s not my place to force these books on her if she’s not ready. She has to want to come to these conclusions on her own, I know. Le sigh.

I hope she finds her path soon, I really do. It’s not easy to stay on it, believe me I know. But she deserves to find it, and I hope one day she wants it bad enough to get on it at all.

Well, I think I’ve emptied my mind of all my thoughts! Message to the universe from me: Hey Universe, it’s me! Thank you so much for showing me that every day I’m given, I have something to be grateful for. I know you always have my best interests at heart, because I am you and you are me. The intention I’d like to set for this log is this: help me to strengthen my intuition, because I feel like it’s been off lately. Perhaps clouded by old wiring or previous habits. Teach me ways that will help me to clarify the clutter, so that I will once again be able to hear my own inner voice ring as a clear as a bell.

Thank you! And I in turn promise to do my part to conspire with you too. I have a feeling I’m meant to get this specific book called “Know The Truth” and I was meant to for a while now. We’ll see what it holds!

Love always,

Me.

Day 148 + 149 – May 28th & 29th, 2019

It’s been a while since I could just write two days in a log title!!! It’s almost a foreign feeling to me now.

Anyways, I’m happy to report that for the past couple days, I’ve been doing quite well! I managed to get more than one day off this week (I was off yesterday, and now I’m off for the next two days), and I’ve returned to meditating nightly (started on Monday night), and I’ve started reading my book again today (instead of the useless scrolling), and I already feel the difference.

My mood is happier, I had a little less anxiety today, and two nights of meditating have already made a world of a difference in regards to my mindset. Let’s keep this momentum going!!!

I think I’m going to use this log to catch up with myself, because it’s honestly been so so long.

So, let’s see… how have I been?

Let me break it into parts so that I can do some due diligence to every aspect I want to cover. Alright so: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually (all on a personal, me-based level). After that, I’ll do: relationship, friendships, work, school, and whatever else may be on my mind.

Alright here we go!

Mentally: what a roller-coaster it’s been this past year so far. The lowness, the anxiety making a come-back. The days I could barely muster up the energy to get out of bed. I know it’s mostly a result of getting complacent in my writing, my meditation, but still. It’s been a little tough. I’m glad that I travelled when I did, to the Bahamas. It was a much-needed trip and a much-needed act of self-love to remind me to wake up, and take my life back into my hands.

I’ve made some good movements towards my mental health – I’ve had a couple appointments with my doctor (who’s amazing), and she’s recommended that I start seeing the clinic social worker before they refer me to an ADHD clinic. I’ve already filled out my preliminary assessments for the ADHD clinic, and now I’m just waiting to hear back on what my doctor will say about them.

I know everything will work out for the best, I just have to make sure that I’m doing my best for myself as well, you know? I can’t leave it all up to positivity and the Universe – I have to do my part too, and never stop working towards it.

Emotionally: my emotions have been pretty closely tied to my mental state as of late. Like on the days I felt low, my emotions matched the lowness. I felt sad, lethargic, restless. But since I’ve come back from my trip, I’ve literally been feeling so much better. My moods are back to being consistent, I haven’t woken up feeling low in a while, and my reactivity is a lot better now too.

I did have a bit of a breakdown the last time I saw my doctor, right before my trip; I got emotional while I was explaining a bit about my past to her, and my current predicament regarding my school situation (more on that later). I broke down because I became overwhelmed, and I told her that I was so tired of living this way and that I needed answers. She was super sympathetic though, and she promised me we’d find a way to change things.

So as of late, I have been doing a lot better. My moods are better, I’m happier, and I love that travelling has the power to shift my mental and my emotional state so drastically. Only, I can’t depend on that solely. I have to remember that I need more than just that, or else travel will simply become an escape that I depend on, and I don’t want that. I don’t ever want my love for travel to become an attachment-based need.

Physically: oh boy, this one’s a doozy. I guess it goes to show that the minute you start neglecting what’s going on on the inside, it’ll truly start reflecting on the outside. Before I went off to the Bahamas, I battled a “flu” unlike any that I’ve had in a very, very long time. I was feverish for four days straight, and my fever got so bad at one point that I was delirious and so, so weak. Thank goodness my family was there to take care of me, because honestly at that point we were considering taking me to the hospital.

Since then, I’ve been trying to get over a lasting cough and sniffles. Whatever I had, it hit my system very hard. And I know my body – when I start to neglect my mental health, my physical health goes right out the window with it. It’s like a blaring siren, warning me to take better care of myself.

I know I have to make an effort to eat healthier. I’ve lost about ten pounds because I’ve been eating less, but that also means I haven’t been consuming proper nutrients and vitamins that may be necessary to my physical health and the support of my immune system. Not to mention, I’ve stopped working out completely and that’s something I need to bring back on too. But, one thing at a time. For now, I’m just focusing on reinstating my meditation and my writing. The other things will follow suit in due time, I’m sure.

Spiritually: this section is a good section. I haven’t thought about where I stand spiritually for a very long time. I feel like I kind of came to this place last year, and I haven’t really thought about it since. I haven’t found the proper tools (or books) to feed my knowledge or curiosity about, but maybe that’s also because I haven’t been curious about it for a while either.

I think I kind of lost sight of my relationship with the Universe in this year. (By year, I mean within 2019). I lost touch with my faith, my trust in the process. I got lost in the surface aspects of life and I forgot how important it was to feed that faith and make sure I was still conspiring with the Universe.

I went to a metaphysical spiritual convention with Krystal and Chad, and that was the first time this year I genuinely felt at home in myself. I need to go back to those roots, figure out how to inspire myself once more. Recapture that feeling that reading “The Alchemist” for the first time gave me. I haven’t felt that inspired since that year of wonderful reads. My last good read was probably “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and even that was mediocre, at best.

So, I’m announcing to the Universe: I’m ready to get back in touch with you!!!! Hellooooooooo, it’s meeeeeeeeeee again! Send all the books my way, the people, the moments that make me stop and realize there’s so much more to this life. I miss the magic, the synchronicities, the signs, all of it! I want it back.

I’m hoping that as I continue to meditate, my connection to the Universe will strengthen once more. I’ve already seen the power that meditation can have in life because I’ve experienced it directly myself.

I can’t go back – I can only move forward. And even though these past couple months have felt like a giant “step back”, it was merely a low dip the series of hills that my life journey is. It’s time to make my way back up.

Alright! So that concludes my personal catch up. Now, onto my current outer circumstances.

My relationship.

I’m literally sitting here, smiling like a goof LOOL. But honestly, I don’t even know where to start, (in a good way).

Things have been better than amazing between Adrian and I. It’s just so easy, always. Nothing has ever felt more right than this; none of my past relationships have ever been this good, I’ve never experienced love like this before.

It’s funny – you always think that your first love teaches you real love. And it definitely does, to a certain extent. But you realize, as you grow older, that your capacity for love is so much greater than you ever knew possible.

I can’t even begin to express the gratitude that I have that Adrian found his way into my life, that we found each other. I know we’re both growing individually as people, but together we compliment each other in ways I never even knew could be possible.

I’ve always loved hard. So, so hard. My love is big and passionate and at times in the past, all-consuming. But here, in the house we’ve built with one another, my love is safe; it is received and returned ten-fold. It’s constantly reflected back at me, in his eyes and in the words he says to me. In the way he holds me, the way we’re entwined when we fall asleep together.

A distant old part of me fears having it this good. But when we’re together, when I’m with him, I’m completely present. There’s only him, only us. Only that moment, right there and then.

Once upon a time, I never believed I could have it all so I settled for so much less. I thought that I may as well get what I could because I’d never have more than that. I settled in ways that were big, and in ways that were quiet. I tried to focus on the good and I boxed away all my needs for the sake of making things work.

I can’t express how tightly interwoven my gratitude is with my love for him. There is no one without the other. Even after over a year of seeing one another, I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. And I try to tell his as often as I can. I appreciate him so much, for everything he is and everything he does, and I hope he never, ever has to question that.

So yeah. Things have been good. Hehe.

Love letter aside – he was so wonderful about me travelling by myself the way I did. I asked him point blank if he doesn’t mind that I was going by myself, and he told me he would never want to hold me back from something I loved. And I asked him how he was so okay with it (when generally, most guys wouldn’t be) but he reiterated that he trusted me and trusted in us.

And recently, we had a conversation regarding our perspectives on marriage and weddings (generally, not in regards to our relationship – way too soon for that), and we both agreed that weddings are a social scam created to satiate the needs of everyone involved as opposed to a special moment that is about the couple themselves. We both agreed that the stress weddings bring about prior to the event itself definitely wasn’t worth it, nor the money that goes into making it all happen. Of course, to each their own, and weddings truly can be beautiful and fun sometimes. But that’s just an opinion that he and I happen to share – it’s just not our cup of tea.

(So… shotgun wedding to Vegas is a definite maybe? LOL JK. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Heh).

Speaking of weddings – the one he invited me to with all of his family is coming up this month, on June 22nd! I still have to buy a dress but I’m excited to go dress shopping soon! I hope I find exactly what I’m looking for – I want something lavender/pastel purple, something floaty and airy yet classy and a little sexy (since it’s a June wedding). We’ll see! I’m sure that dress is out there somewhere waiting for me too.

I know I don’t have to be, but I feel like I’m going to be so a little nervous about meeting the rest of his entire family at this shindig. Luckily it’s a big ass wedding so I won’t be put on the spot, and luckily he’s not in the wedding party so hopefully he won’t have to leave my side much. Not that I can’t hold my own, but you know. It’s a big thing, and a lot of people – he’s got a massive family, and I think about 300 people are attending this wedding.

But, I’m also really excited because I can’t wait to dance with him or take shots with him or look at him all adoringly when cute wedding moments happen, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him in his suit because I know I’m going to have a hard time not passing out, LOL.

I’m also really looking forward to having yet another wonderful summer with him – last summer we had so much fun together, and this is our first summer being officially together. I can’t wait for the beach dates and cottage weekends, the sunsets and the golden twilight hours. Sigh.

Being 100% honest here with myself, Adrian is end game to me. I would never, ever, ever tell him that, at least not for the next 3-4 years LOL. I feel like if I start talking with that certainty, it would scare him off. We’re good with being present and taking things one day at a time. In fact, our pace has been nothing but perfect.

But from the start, as this progressed, and even as we’re still getting to know each other… when we met, it felt like coming home. I want this to be it. I’ve never been happier than this. I know that time can change things and tomorrow is never guaranteed. You never know what the future holds, or how people can change or what they can become. But… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I just… can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at this point. I really do believe that we have many soulmates, no matter what lifetime you’re in. And I know that he is one of mine, but he’s the one I want to choose for the rest of this lifespan. (And if I meet him in the next one, well then I’d choose him all over again).

I know, I’m such a diehard romantic. But hey… when you know, you know, right?

Onto the next! Friendship.

I’m pretty happy with my circle of friends at the moment in all honesty. I don’t have to keep up with everyone on a constant basis in order to know we’re still good to hang out whenever, and we actually have very deep and meaningful conversations whenever we do meet up, as though no time has passed. I don’t feel like I’m expending more energy than I receive, which is a really good thing.

I haven’t really hung out with Avery in awhile. He was making effort to make plans and keep in touch with me, but it’s been me who hasn’t been reaching out as of late. I should, but it also feels natural this way too. I’m not sure. Whatever is meant to be shall be. He still feels like a good friend to me though, despite the distance.

Anyways, that’s about it on the friendship front. I’m glad I’m living my truth and being honest with myself and maintaining my boundaries.

Speaking about maintaining boundaries – onto work.

(Side note – I forgot to add family to this list, but I’ll get to that part after I talk about school.)

So April really took its toll on me. I worked so much that I didn’t even truly get to enjoy my parents being gone for the whole month. And then it took its toll on me physically, when I got super sick before I left on my trip.

It made me realize – I’m very much grateful for my promotion. But I can’t allow my boundaries with work to fall down as a result of my gratitude. I don’t owe anyone anything, I’ve worked for this. My work ethic speaks for itself, and I deserve this. Ergo, I don’t need to be working more than I agreed to. I agreed to 25 hours a week, and since I’ve begun my new position, I’ve been working upwards of 30-35, sometimes almost 40. That’s full-time hours and that’s not what I agreed to.

I know Maria needs me and depends on me. In fact, at this point, I’m the most dependable person she has on the team. But I can’t be to the capacity that she expects of me, where work becomes my life and I end up getting sick.

This week, I watched as Maria made the schedule and I made sure it was exactly what I wanted it to be, hence why I got my three days off. And what a difference it’s already made.

I have to watch and enforce my boundaries when it comes to work. I also need to remember to keep a healthy discernment between good work ethic and being consumed completely by this job. I can’t care more than I should, nor should I get involved in anything that has nothing to do with me. In, and out. Not my monkeys, not my circus. And that’s the motto.

I intend to be very conscious about this and put my foot down where need be. Hopefully the foot being put down won’t be necessary and the Universe hears my wishes and conspires alongside me on this one. I promise to do my part as well though, as much as I can.

I am happy with this job though. As long as it doesn’t come home with me, I have complete faith I can continue to do well with it and it in turn will give me what I need, financially.

Onto the next – school!

So I think I briefly touched on this one in my last log. I’ve been barred from York for two years effective this September, but I’m working on getting that decision reversed. Thing is, a part of me doesn’t even know why. Well, I know why. I mean, I want my degree. But I think this is the summer where I work through the resentments I have towards my parents regarding this degree, and figure out completely how to want it solely for myself first and foremost, whilst working through my potential ADHD issues.

I promise myself I won’t let this go unresolved. I have to do right by me, and I’m taking the necessary steps to give myself options while I figure out what it is I truly want from my life.

I think that’s about it regarding school. Last but not least, famolaaayyyyy.

My mom and I sat down and had a really good, conducive talk. Actually, she wandered into my room a couple nights ago, all quiet and morose. I know she has depressive episodes from time to time, and rather than take out her anxiety on us like she usually does, she actually sat and talked to me and we were able to understand each other. She seems to be doing better since, and it made me realize that if I don’t do my part to understand her, she’ll never be heard or understood, and she’ll always feel like she has to yell to get her point across.

My dad is my dad, still the same. He’s definitely aging rapidly, and it’s kind of strange to see.

Olivia still worries me, LOL. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson of trusting her process without fearing the consequences her lessons may come with. Her life is her own, and I can’t protect her from it without perhaps shielding her from valuable growth she may need. I guess that’s what being a parent is like, once your kids are older. It’s watching and loving from afar but being there as you’re needed, trusting that everything they’re experiencing is a part of who they are becoming and that you did your job as a parent to instill the right values.

Not that I’m her mom. Although sometimes it does feel like we had to parent each other at times. Interesting.

Anyways!!!!! Wow, this was a long ass log.

I think that’s about it. I know my short-term goals for now (consistent meditation, and writing) and I have faith that everything else that I aspire to achieve for myself will fall into place as a result, just as it has before.

Well, that’s about it for today. I have the next two days off, and I don’t have any plans with anyone for once (although I am hoping to see Adrian on Friday since I won’t be able to over the weekend). So I basically have my days to myself! I intend to paint, read, hopefully get some sun, and just relax. Maybe I can even take a second look at my book and reorganize my vision.

To quote Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, more accurately), “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock.”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Goodnight!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 127 to 147 – May 7th to 27th, 2019

Hello!

It’s been exactly 20 days since I’ve written last, and going through my recent logs, I’m just realizing how much I haven’t written in this past year. I was doing pretty well in February for the most part, but then March, April and this month have all become a bit blurry.

I’ve been doing some vague thinking that I would like to make concrete. So I’m just going to get right into it.

For the past two years since the start of 2017, I did some very intensive work on myself. I cultivated new habits that led to a transformation in who I was, a transformation that changed my life. I incorporated self-love, self-compassion and acceptance into my life with a degree of discipline but also openness that changed the entire quality of my life.

2018, I reaped the rewards of my actions. I spent the entire year in a steady arc of happiness, emotional and mental stability. I met Adrian, whom I thank the Universe for as often as I can.

And this year?

I became complacent. I stopped meditating. I stopped writing. I stopped working on my book completely. I stopped doing the things I loved, for myself. I haven’t read a book that’s resonated with me since last year, I believe. I became… lost. And it showed. The same way I reaped the rewards of the changes I implemented last year, I had to accept some pretty dire consequences this year.

Once again, I’m in a place in my life where I have to pick up the pieces of my decisions (or lack of).

Here’s some hard truths I have to deal with that are currently causing my anxiety.

I’ve been debarred for two years at York. I just recently received the email, confirming my fate. I did not receive the grade point average that I was meant to in order to have the debarment warning be lifted. On top of this, my standing with OSAP has most likely been compromised as a result. I haven’t even begun to take the necessary results in order to clarify what my educational standing is, at the moment.

I can’t even think about it without becoming anxious. But, I’m doing well to cope with it by reminding myself that I’m not being completely passive.

I have an appointment with a counsellor from St. Michael’s Hospital coming up on June 4th. I went through with my prior appointments before I left on my vacation and on my last one, I had a bit of a break down regarding my concerns about potentially having ADHD. I told my doctors that I’m tired of living my life this way and that I can’t do it anymore. That I need answers. My main doctor confirmed that perhaps I had something to gain by going through with the assessment, and that if the results did come back that this is in fact something I live with, then we could move forward with a medicinal/mental health treatment plan, or a combination of the both.

So, I’m not completely sitting around and just twiddling my thumbs (or living in denial). Whenever the anxiety comes up, I always think that there’s nothing I can do about the situation right this moment, but I am trying to do my best to come up with and pursue solutions.

Depending on what happens with the ADHD assessment, I’m going to incorporate the results into my academic petition and FINALLY hand it in, after all of these years. And then we go from there. In the meanwhile, the only choice I have left at this moment is to work and take some time to reassess the direction in which my life is headed and what exactly I want from it.

Hopefully, I can do this with my new counsellor. I miss Nadia and I know I will continue to, but with my current academic status, I’m no long eligible to using the campus personal counselling services any longer. So, hopefully everything works out okay with my new counsellor, as I’m sure it will.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

So yeah. I was doing all this work on myself and the minute I got the results I wanted, I stopped doing all the work. And I know I’ve written and acknowledged this before some time during this year, in two or more of these past logs that I’ve written. But despite the acknowledgement – I didn’t do any differently!!! (Other than taking a brief moment to travel, which really helped to open my eyes. But more on that later).

I can’t be the person I once was in any capacity. I can’t stand for it. I love myself too much now to fall backwards into old habits or old patterns of thinking and reacting.

I need discipline more than I’ve ever needed it before in so many different ways. I need discipline like human beings need a spine – I cannot function on a base level nor can I stand straight (or at all, for that matter) without it.

There’s a part of me, the part of me that has grown and developed into being in the past two years who has become trapped and buried amidst all the bad habits I’ve accumulated in this past year alone. She’s there just smiling kindly at me, at peace, waiting for me to come back. She totally understands why this has happened and she’s not judging me for it – she just wants me to be happy again. To feel the ease that comes with doing what’s best for yourself. The unshakeable inner peace. The consistent and genuine happiness.

I vow to return to her again.

It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.

Anyways, I know there’s a lot more things I need to write. I need to do an in-depth check-in with myself because I haven’t done so in a very long time, and I also need to catch up and update myself with my understanding of the outer circumstances that are currently my narrative and life situation. So maybe I can make that my goal tomorrow, since this was a pretty good first step. I managed to sit down and make it through a log without abandoning it for my hunger, or my phone (for distraction).

One thing at a time. You know you can’t live your life this way, and you know that you don’t have to. So let’s do differently. Every day that you’re given is a fresh start.

Love you always,

Me.