Day 327 to 331 – November 23rd to November 27th, 2018

HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND! HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND! AFTER ALMOST 8 MONTHS OF PERFECT DATES AND EFFORTLESS MOMENTS AND AMAZING KISSES AND SO MUCH MORE, HE’S FINALLY ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND!!

LMFAO okay so I got a little ahead of myself there, but I couldn’t help it!!! I’ve been dreaming about this moment for what seems like so long, and it’s finally occurred and I honestly couldn’t be happier. My face actually started aching from all the smiling I’ve been doing hehe.

Okay so to back-track – it’s been a crazy weekend of work and we’ve headed straight into the Christmas season. As of now, I basically only have 4 days off guaranteed for this month and those days off are basically solely for my exams. Today (Tuesday, November 27th), happened to be one of those days off, so I figured I’d ask Adrian to come over and hang out.

I had a whole day planned – I wanted today to be our Christmas-y day in case we didn’t really get a chance to have one moving forward. So I went ham in planning; I put up my tree for us to decorate, got hot chocolate for us to drink while we watched Elf, and even got us a gingerbread house to build together with Home Alone playing in the background. I had Christmas coming out of my ears today, LMAO.

And it was perfect – everything went exactly as I imagined it would. We decorated my tree together, blasting Christmas classics and singing along as we did so, only stopping every so often to kiss underneath the mistletoe I’d put up in my living room. After that, we sat down to watch Elf and cuddle for a while, and eventually once we’d had dinner, I made us my famous hot chocolates and we got started in on the gingerbread house.

While we were waiting for the icing to set on the walls of the house, I got cozy on his lap on the couch in my living room, and then all of a sudden, I knew. I could feel that this was finally the moment to have the conversation I’ve been waiting so long to have.

So, I looked at him cautiously and said, “can I ask you something?”

To which he replied yes, (of course). I ended up hemming and hawing and trying to get the words out and failing – that’s how terrified I was LMAO. I even said out loud, “crap I’m too scared to do this” and buried my face in his neck like an ostrich trying to hide. When I looked up again, I breathed deeply and I was like (more to myself than to him), “no, I can do this. Well-”

But. Before I could continue, he stopped me, and he was like, “I know what you’re going to say.”

I could feel my eyes widening in shock and in relief, and I was like, “you do!?!?!”

And he was like, “do you want me to say it?” and I was like, “well, what do you think I’m about to say?”

He just looked at me, knowingly, and finally said the words I’ve been dying to hear: “would you like to be my girlfriend?”

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LMFAO I couldn’t even SPEAK, I just kissed him in response. Once we paused for a second, I managed to get out “that was a yes, by the way”, before we happily resumed.

Once the kissing finally subsided, I made myself more clear; I told him that in no way was I trying to pressure him to ask, and that I was perfectly happy with the way that things were. I only wanted to ask to make sure that he saw something more with me, even if it was at a later time. If he still needed that time, that would be okay with me too.

And he confessed that he’d been meaning to ask me for quite some time, which actually took me by surprise. When I asked him why he didn’t, he explained that everything got kind of hectic – my birthday came up, then his birthday came up, and he didn’t want to ask me at either of those times. He was worried that if he’d asked on his birthday, I would have felt obligated to say yes even if I didn’t want to – he compared it to proposing on a jumbotron at a game and getting turned down, LOOOL. He’d even mentioned to his friends some time ago that he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend. But he admitted to me that the thought of asking was rather nerve-wracking to him too, and I completely understood.

I admitted myself that all of my friends had been giving me advice too – Cory and Avery advising me to not do it on his birthday, Leila and so many others encouraging me all the while to just get it out and say how I felt and what I wanted. He laughed at that, the fact that I had to get two guys’ opinions to potentially figure out what was going on in his head. He apologized for making me wait for so long and thanked me sincerely for being so patient with him.

He told me he could see it in my eyes for awhile though, that I wanted to have this conversation. He brought up that time in the kitchen that I’d seen him just days before his birthday – we’d been sitting together quietly and I’d just looked at him, about to say it, but I backed out. But he knew. I told him that I was so glad that I had such a bad poker face, LMAO. But more than that, I was glad that it was so easy for him to read my mind, to be on the same page as me.

I promised him that I’ve been so happy with him, so incredibly happy with the way things have been unfolding, that it didn’t feel like waiting at all. We both agreed that the whole process of seeing one another has been so easy, and we also affirmed that it could continue to be this way because we worked to have it this way. He cautiously asked me if there was anything that I would like to change about us moving forward now, and I assured him that nothing has to change because I was perfectly satisfied with how we are now. I asked him the same thing, and his answer was the same.

I shyly told him that every single time he’d called me babe, I’d gotten so happy because it was a single word that denoted a potential for more than what we were. And he was so cute, he was like, “well… hello, babe.” HEHEHE.

God am I ever happy. I told him another reason that I brought it up was because I knew without a single doubt what I wanted and that I’ve known since our first date, and he told me he knew what he wanted too. He promised me that our conversation wasn’t pressuring at all, which was relieving to me. He also told me that when it came to me, he still got nervous sometimes – that he was still doing his best not to slip up. And I assured him that I liked him for him, for everything he was. And he told me that he likes me so much, and that he likes that he still gets nervous on his way to see me. It shows him that he cares a lot about this, about impressing me still after all these months.

And so… we are finally official. I’m a “girlfriend” once more. I felt this thrill of excitement during our conversation, that thrill I get when I’m about to travel or do something adventurous. It’s the thrill of the unknown, the thrill of knowing I’m about to embark on yet another journey that will no doubt change me, make me grow, make me learn, and ultimately, make me happy.

I know there’s still a lot we have to learn about one another. I know there’s still more room for these feelings to grow. But I’m looking forward to doing that alongside him as we continue to do what we’ve been doing.

I choose him. I choose my happiness, I choose this certainty, I choose the amazing sense of appreciation he has for me and everything I entail. I choose the way he makes me feel like a goddess on earth, and I choose the way he looks at me like he’s never seen anyone more beautiful. I want all of it. I’m all in, and I’m glad that he is too.

So, here we go. We’ll see what life has in store for us. I’m looking forward to every bit of it because honestly, it’s been amazing thus far.

That’s all for today! I’ve got work early tomorrow so I should probably get some shut-eye. Ah man. What a perfect day. I’m so grateful. I’m so, so, so completely thankful. I told him that it was easy for me to trust our process because I know we were meant to meet somehow, someway, and he agreed. And truly… I’m so glad we did find our way to one another.

Finally.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 316 to 326 – November 12th to 22nd, 2018

Holy has it ever been a while since I’ve written last!!!

I barely even remember what’s happened in the past week and a half. I think after I finished my exam, I went straight into working. Oh but! This last weekend was actually a little insane – I woke up, went to work, had an 8 hour shift, went to Krystal’s birthday thing in downtown, went to bed, woke up and had yet another 8 hour shift, went to my work party, and then the next day was Adrian’s birthday thing at the hotel that I planned. Overall, these past couple days as of late have consisted of me catching up on some very much needed rest after all the excitement.

So, where do I begin? In my last log, I wrote about needing to catch up about how I ran into Dylan, so I may as well start there and carry onwards.

Wow that seems like a long time ago now LOL. I suppose it was after all though, almost two weeks ago.

Honestly, I had the strangest feeling that I would run into him before he left on his trip. I wasn’t sure how or when, I just knew I would. And I did!

It was really nice to see him – when I noticed him walking into the department, we like tackled each other in a massive hug, and he told me he’d missed me a lot. We caught up briefly, and I told him how happy and excited for him I was that he was going to so many beautiful places and going to be living in other parts of the world for a while.

He said he’d come to say goodbye to everyone because he’d be gone for a while, and I’m glad he did. He thanked me for inspiring him to travel, and I wished him well on his own “Alchemist” journey.

Recently at the holiday party, Sera told me that before Dylan left, they had a heart-to-heart conversation about his travels. He was afraid that he would change drastically, and Sera assured him… that he absolutely would. It definitely would change him completely, but it would be for the better.

And I know it will too. I hope that he experiences as much as he can out there, grows into who he’s meant to become, becomes worldly and wise, and that he adventures to his heart’s content.

As much as I care about him, I think it’s a good thing that he’s going to be gone for four months, and so far away. Seeing him that day actually kind of threw me for a loop, and it made me realize that I sort of just put my feelings on “pause” instead of actually giving myself time to grieve that goodbye, let go and heal. I’m hoping that as time goes on, those feelings I had for him will become a distant memory and that the question of why he never felt the same way becomes a ghost that can find peace.

It’s funny – the night after I’d seen him, I had a dream that my department was throwing him a goodbye party. And we sat down to talk for a moment, and I asked him straight up why he had never felt the same way as I did. And he told me that he’d just felt that I’d put him on too much of a pedestal – it was a potential he couldn’t quite live up to, and wasn’t ready to because there was still so much he had to do. And you know, even if that was just my subconscious projection of how that conversation would go in order to give my conscious self a sense of closure, it makes a lot of sense.

It was also a reminder to be careful, and be aware that I don’t do that again – fall for someone’s potential, or place too many expectations upon them based solely on all the good I see in them. It really is a lot of pressure to live up to. When you’re with someone, and you’re making that conscious choice to be with them for who they are as people completely, no more or less. You can’t go into these relationships with the expectation that if they “really like you”, they’ll change for you. That’s just not how things should work.

Anyways, I went off on a tangent there so back to my crazy weekend!

Briefly, Krystal’s birthday went really, really well! Surprisingly so, especially since I finally saw Chloe after almost a year and a half of not having seen her. At first it was a little bit awkward, but not for any standoffish reasons – we were both trying hard to be super polite and nice towards each other, LMAO. After a while, we ended up sitting down for a bit and catching up briefly, which was actually pleasant. She shared her fries with me and told me about her new car, and even about how her brother and his wife recently tried the two different strains of weed.

And at the club, everyone ended up getting separated but she and I actually ended up kind of sticking together with Krystal and Chad! And we had a lot of fun dancing, and being awed by the super cool light display at Rebel. Chloe really hasn’t changed much, she’s still the same sweet girl she’s always been it seems. When it was time to say goodbye, she booped me on the nose and told me it was nice to see me, and I agreed.

I don’t think we’re going to be hanging out or anything like that any time soon, but I wouldn’t say no if she asked. It’s also nice to know that I can attend these sorts of events knowing that I’ll run into her, without being worried that things will be awkward or weird. I’m glad.

The next day, I had my holiday party with my work family and it turned out to be a complete blast! As exhausted as I was because of getting home at 3 am the previous morning, I was still able to dance up a storm and have a great time with my co-workers. I sincerely hope that this Christmas season is not as dramatic and dark as last season was, LOL. Those were some seriously bad times. We’ll see how things go!

Which leads me to, Adrian’s birthday.

Sigh. It couldn’t have gone any more perfect honestly.

Okay so – I got to the hotel early on Monday in order to spruce things up a bit, hide his gift, etc. And when he finally joined me, the look on his face when he walked in was priceless – he was in total awe of the room, complete with its own whirlpool and king sized bed. Not to mention, shortly afterwards he found yet another surprise; the lingerie set I’d bought and worn under my clothes for him as a little birthday treat, hehe. He said I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model, and even “better than the girls in the windows”, LMAO. He’s honestly so sweet, and his reactions for the little things I do for him make me so happy.

We spent the afternoon just lounging and cuddling away. We ordered some food from Uber Eats, rolled one up and smoked, watched some Netflix and took a brief nap in order to have more energy for later on and to work up an appetite for dinner. It was so nice to escape with him for a little while, just away from the whole world and in our own little quiet bubble.

Dinner was amazing – we went back to that Italian place that he likes so much, and ordered different meals which we shared together. Mussels with white sauce and rigatoni alla vodka – everything was so delicious that I was pretty sure I’d died and gone to heaven. I was so happy that I was just about ready to go to the back in the kitchen and kiss the nonna’s who were so wonderfully cooking away there.

I honestly can’t begin to count on both hands how many times he thanked me throughout the course of everything we did. He was so completely appreciative, and he vocalized his thankfulness at every chance he could take.

Once we got back to the hotel, we finally made use of the super relaxing whirlpool by taking a hot bath, and we even did face masks together!! It was actually ridiculously cute – when we first started to put them on, he started rubbing the stuff into his beard and I nearly fell over laughing! I had to show him how to put it onto his cheeks and forehead (where there was no facial hair essentially).

It felt like our own little spa-weekend. And as midnight approached, I counted down the minutes so that I could be the first one to wish him exactly when the clock struck 12. I asked him if 22 was good to him, and he reflected a little before saying that it really had been. I also asked him if he was ready for 23, and he said that he was. When it was finally midnight, I ran and grabbed his hidden gift and sang him Happy Birthday.

He started off with the card, which is exactly how I hoped he would. A couple nights prior, I’d stayed up until like 2 in the morning in between some of my work shifts in order to hand paint him a birthday card in watercolour. The caption read, “I don’t mean to be cheesy but… I hope you have a “grate” birthday!” and I had painted a picture of cheese on the front and a cheese grater on the inside, hehe. (Cheesy, I know… literally, muahaha).

On the inside, I hand wrote a long-ass message that I’m actually going to write down here because I know one day, I’m going to look back and wonder what I had written (as I do for a lot of the birthday cards and messages I write). I wrote:

“Ohaaaiiii. I FIGure now is as GOUDA time as any to tagliaTELLe you how incredible you are to me, and I CANNOLI try to ESPRESSo myself as efficiently I would like to.

Puns aside for a moment – you truly are one of a kind, Adrian. In the time that I’ve known you, you’ve never ceased to astound me with your kindness, you honesty, your wisdom and intelligence, your passion, your humour, and so much more.

You’re different. In a world where everyone prides themselves on being a carbon copy of everyone else, you’re like a colourful masterpiece in a sea of grey. I hope you see this about yourself too.

You make me so, so happy. You make me feel special on a constant basis. You make me feel safe, and yet you also make me think differently, challenge me to see things in a new way. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this about you, and I sincerely hope that I make you feel all of these ways too.

I’m so happy I get to spend this time with you. Any chance I can get to see that amazing smile on your face, I’ll take. I wish you nothing but happiness in this new chapter of your life – you deserve nothing less.

Anyways, I don’t have MUSHROOM left on this card, so I think I’ll take this THYME to say I hope you have a BERRY Happy Birthday Adrian. Love, me. P.S. I hope this wasn’t too CORN-y, heh.”

I watched him anxiously as he read the card, but as I saw the smile grow on his face and his expression as he read it all, I eventually felt more relieved. He told me he loved the card, and assured me he definitely didn’t think it was too “corn-y”, LOL. He also thought that the fact that it was painted was amazing, he hadn’t realized it at first!

After the card, he pulled out the excerpt of “April 10th” from my logs, the log of our first date. I explained what it was, and he said he would read it afterwards. He then pulled out the rest; the EB Games gift card I’d gotten him because I noticed he was a member one day I was in his room, the abundance of lighters since he’s always losing his, and lastly, a brand new copy of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.

He opened the book quietly and showed me the first page, where Robin Sharma had dedicated the work to his son, Colby. And massive coincidence here – Adrian had actually gone to school with Robin Sharma’s son!!!! In fact, he’d sat right in front of him in grade 9 geography, LMAO. What are the odds!!!!! And better yet, despite knowing Colby and knowing that Robin Sharma was a great author, he’d never read the book before! So it all worked out perfectly.

Honestly I’d known I wanted to get Adrian a book, and for some reason the Monk just stood out to me as the next one to buy him. It makes total sense now, and I’m so glad that my intuition is still finding a way to speak to me.

Once we’d settled back into bed, I started watching Gilmore Girls while I ate some leftovers, and he started reading the log. From the corner of my eye though, I watched him as he read page after page, laughing at some parts and smiling fondly at others. After he finished, he set the log aside and turned to me, and I lowered the volume and gave him my attention as well.

He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I still felt the same ways I did at the start – if I still felt “at home” with him, comfortable with him, if I still felt the “click”. I nodded meekly, but assured him vocally that I still felt all those same ways, and in fact… my feelings for him had deepened immensely since then.

He told me that he had felt the same things when we’d first met. That on that day, after the date, and after his soccer game, he went to hang out with a friend. And that friend had asked him how his day was, and all he could tell him was that he’d felt as though he’d been struck by lightning. So, it wasn’t just me who’d felt that way.

He also assured me that his feelings for me had grown and deepened since then too, and I immediately felt this amazing sense of relief course through my body. Turns out, we’ve been on this same page all along.

He thanked me for everything I’d done for him, and told me it all meant more to him than he could say. That I meant more to him than he could say. But I could feel it. I could feel it in the way he was looking at me. He told me he wasn’t used to being spoiled, and that usually he was the one doing the spoiling. But I told him that I’m the same way, that I love spoiling the people I care about, and that he deserved every last bit of it.

The next morning, I woke up and gave him a super relaxing massage using a lavender-scented cream from Lush and he was pretty much on a whole other level of relaxation by the end of our stay, LOL. I just really wanted to do as much for him as I could.

Eventually we had to check-out, but it was so wonderful to wake up beside him, all entwined and warm and cuddled. Side note – his dad will be leaving to Vancouver for the whole month of December, so I’ll be able to go over and stay over more for the Christmas season, which I’m really looking forward to. Not to mention, neither of us have ever been to the Christmas market at the Distillery District, so we’re going to do that and be as cheesy as possible, LOL. I can’t wait.

He gave me a ride home, and as he dropped me off and kissed me goodbye, he took my face in his hands and thanked me ever so warmly for everything I’d done for him. He told me he couldn’t even begin to express how much all of it meant to him, and that I was so incredibly special. I told him he means a lot to me too, and made sure he knew that all of what I’d done was truly my pleasure.

It was perfect, from start to finish. All I wanted to know was that he felt the same ways that I do, and now I know he does. I’m so glad I gave him that log – he appreciated how personal it was, how much I trusted him with my innermost thoughts. In fact, I’ve never experienced this much appreciation before.

I once read this quote about what happens when two giving people meet. It went something like, when two givers get together, what happens between them is like alchemy – it transforms them both.

And that’s what this reminds me of. We’re both so giving, so generous, and so dead-set on making the other person happy, that what happens between us is pure magic.

I’m finally ready to ask him what we are. I have a feeling that it’ll be the answer that I’m looking for, but even if it’s not I no longer care anymore, if he needs more time. He feels exactly how I feel, we’re on the same page and on the same level when it comes to how we feel about one another. That’s all that matters to me. And also, I noticed he called me “babe” a lot more while we were together so… I mean, I think we’re together LOL. I really do.

Anyways, that’s about it for catching up! Today is my last proper day off for who knows how long. I’m not dreading this Christmas season though, I refuse to. I want to have fun, stick to my guns and my limits about shifts, and still make time for me. I won’t let this job overtake this season.

I can’t believe this year is almost drawing to a close. Despite having written for a majority of it, I don’t feel like… I’ve made any major shifts per se, the way I did last year. I know that growth isn’t a steady incline upwards, but still. I wonder if I made as much effort towards me this year, as I did last year. I wonder what I can do to change that as this year draws closer to its end and another chapter begins. Maybe there will be bigger decisions to be made, bigger risks to be taken. Hm.

That’s about all for tonight! I shall write the next time I receive an opportunity to do so.

Love always,

Me.

Day 311 to 315 – November 7th to 11th, 2018

Hello! I was just looking through some of my old logs, and I just realized that I’ve been failing to keep up with my own life on here in some aspects. I never talked about how lunch with Luna was, the results I got back from the doctor’s, and I also have to talk about the thing I did that I mentioned in my last log! And now, I have so much more to catch up on what with the events that have occurred in the past couple days.

So real quick – lunch with Luna.

It was really nice! We went to cheesecake factory, and Daniella and Lori came with us too so it ended up being a fun lunch. And I know that Luna meant well; she got a pasta that was similar to the one she knew I loved from my old workplace that they took off their menu.

Recently, she’s asked me to come with her on a trip to Jordan with her and Lana, and I actually agreed. I don’t know if we’ll ever quite go back to our old friendship and I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust her the way I once did, but she did make a great travel buddy. We’ll see what’s in store for us.

Results from the doc – my blood work came back clear! (In fact, it came back great – my iron is amazing, so are some of my vitamins and whatnot. And all the blood count stuff too). She confirmed that it is my lymph nodes that are swollen, but she has no idea why they are. Whatever it may be, it didn’t show up in my blood work or ultrasound. On the bright side, it’s definitely not tumourous, which is amazing! That’s all I needed to know. Everything else will work itself out.

She did say though, that if they don’t go away in about a month or so, I need to come back at the beginning of December to possibly see a head, neck/throat surgeon about potentially removing/draining the nodes. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

The thing I did – so that day I wrote that log I believe, I was looking for something that would help me study but I couldn’t find it. I was going through my closet when I came across the box full of all the stuff that Nick had given me or that reminded me of him.

So out of curiosity, I pulled it out and opened it.

I looked at the old photo-booth pictures we’d taken in cheesy poses, the little arcade prizes we’d won when we took our trip to Niagara, the silly pizza-tray hat he’d made for me out of boredom in one of his classes I’d sat in. The beautiful bracelet he’d given me, the notes and cards he’d written for me throughout those years, movie ticket stubs, and so much more.

And I felt… peace. Nothing but peace. No heart-skip, or pangs of melancholy.

So, I closed the box and decided it was finally time to get rid of the old energy of that relationship, once and for all.

It’s gone now. Every single thing that was in that box and the box itself is no longer in my household, clearing the way for new energy to make its way in.

I thank that time in my life, that relationship, Nick himself, for everything I learnt. For everything I took from it, and all the ways I grew. That chapter is officially closed, and I hope from the bottom of my heart sincerely that he’s truly happy and living his best life.

And that’s that, on the thing I did.

Okay, now that I’m all caught up on those things I missed, onwards now to this past weekend.

I think I mentioned a couple logs ago that I was starting to get a little “restless” when it came to Adrian, and that feeling finally came to a head this weekend. We hadn’t talked much throughout the week so I was starting to feel like I had no idea what was going on with him or how he was. I missed him, and that frustrated me because I felt like I had no reason or right to miss him as much as I did because I still have no idea what we are or where this is headed per se. I’d surpassed restless and hit downright annoyed now.

I messaged Leila and talked her about it and she immediately helped me feel better. She pointed out that if I was starting to feel that way, then maybe it was about time I asked and clarified things instead of allowing myself to feel that way. I told her that I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want him to feel like I was pressuring him. She then highlighted how if it were two months in and I happened to ask, that would seem more so like pressure. We’ve been seeing each other for over seven months now.

I also mentioned that I was also afraid to ask because I was scared that his answer would be that he’s still not ready to acknowledge anything further than what we are right now, but she believes everything will be just fine. Somewhere deep down amidst all the fear, I know she’s right. But it’s hard, it’s especially hard when you care so much about someone and you don’t want to get hurt. We’re inherently wired to fear pain, to be averse to it.

Jumping forward to today, Leila, Cory, Avery and I finally got a chance to hang out just the four of us after so long, and we actually caught up properly and talked the way I assume adults do LMAO. It was actually so nice – at first it was kind of small talk and it was hard to get into the deeper stuff, but eventually we did.

I vented my frustrations to them and they helped out SO much, it was actually incredible to get so many different versions of feedback as well as guys’ opinion on what I was thinking.

I told them how I was afraid to ask him “what are we” because of worrying about pressuring him, and they all unanimously agreed that after almost 7-8 months of seeing one another, I was in the right place to bring up that conversation. I mentioned that I didn’t quite know how to say it either, and Cory joked that I shouldn’t be like “hey pass the salt, by the way what are we?” – it should be a proper conversation, and it should definitely happen in person.

I also vocalized that I was kind of frustrated with myself – I didn’t understand why now, ,after all this time, I suddenly needed this form of reassurance. And Leila assured me that it was normal, that anyone in my position would be feeling the exact same way that I do right now. Especially after all these months. I deserve to know if he sees something more or he doesn’t, or if he just needs more time.

I brought up how about a month ago, I asked Adrian if he feels like he’s gotten to know me like he said he wanted to, and how he hesitated a bit before saying that he still feels there’s more we need to get to know about one another. Cory and Leila both brought up some valid points – Leila pointed out that even after six years, she was still getting to know and learning more about Cory, and Cory wondered how long it really does take to “get to know someone” per se, like how long could you really need. I made it clear that I’ve been an open book though, (at least, I feel I have been).

I also mentioned how Olivia has a feeling he’s holding back somehow, and I don’t know, at this point I might agree. I just can’t put my finger on what it may be though.

On this note, Avery asked how long it’d been since Adrian had broken up with his ex, so I briefly skimmed over that timeline for them; how they broke up in February for good, and he and I met at the end of March and started seeing one another in April. I also mentioned our last conversation about this, the one we had in May. I had asked him if he felt like he’d had enough time to be on his own in between breaking up with his ex and seeing me, and he had said he wasn’t sure. He did acknowledge he didn’t want to live according to a time frame and wouldn’t let a “calendar” hold him back or have him deny how he felt about me though, and things proceeded as such.

Since then, I haven’t brought that topic up because I’ve been perfectly happy with the way things have unfolded, but now…

I think a part of me just needs to know for sure that he wants more than just this. And by “this”, I mean the whole honeymoon-y relationship aspect where we’re solely our best selves around one another. I want to know if he’s willing to and wants to be emotionally supportive when I need him to be, if he’s down to grow alongside me, if he’s cool with me packing up and travelling to god knows where at a moments notice, if he’s someone who’s willing to fight for me and with me, even if we’re arguing with one another. Basically, I want to know if he does see a real relationship with me.

If he just needs more time to get to know me or allow me to get to know him but does see potential for more and he’s genuinely happy with me, then by all means I can give him more time and honestly I’ll be okay with that. I just want to know that we’re not doing this for the sake of doing this and somewhere deep down, he has no intention of really letting me in because he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship again.

This has been so fun, so full of light and laughter and amazing beautiful moments. I regret nothing in regards to how hard I’ve fallen or how much I’ve invested in this, how much I’ve grown to care about him. No matter what the outcome of that situation is, I will never, ever regret a moment of any of this because Adrian is truly such an incredible, kind, passionate and lovely human being that I’m so happy I’ve met.

In all of this, I’ve simply assumed that I’m ready to be in a relationship again because everything has been so great. But have I really taken a moment to ask myself what I intend to get into?

I don’t think I have, so… well, me? Do you want to get into a relationship with this person? Can you see yourself with him?

Well I mean, based off the way we’ve been acting with one another for these past couple months, yes. But that’s the thing though – everything’s been so, so good. All golden and glittery and honeymoon-y. So of course based off of what I know, I want to.

The tiny little voice in my head that’s gotten so accustomed to my freedom and my singledom is screaming “NOOOOOO! RUNNNNNN! BE FREEEEE! RE-BUY THAT ONE WAY TICKET TO BELIZE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”

But I also think that tiny voice is also comprised of fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of embarking on this journey again with no knowledge of the outcome or what it could potentially lead to, (fear of uncertainty, essentially).

Deep down though… when I think about his eyes, that beautiful smile, how happy he makes me and how easy it is to be around him… the fear of not being with him outweighs the fear of losing him.

So, yeah. Even though I’ve had some trouble lately connecting with my inner voice and my intuition, I think I’ve been all-in since Day 1.

And I’m not saying that being in a relationship with him means that it’s a done deal, that this is it and we’re going to get married and there’s no going back. It just means that there’ll be more to what we are than just the “honeymoon phase”. It means we’re willing to see and accept all sides of who we are as people, not just the sides we choose to show. All I want to know is that that’s what he wants too, even if it’s not right now.

Well… that’s about it regarding that! I asked him a little while ago about next week for his birthday and I also asked him if he’s free to hang out this Thursday, and I’m waiting for him to get back to me on both accounts.

Look man. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve survived being cheated on, and I’ve survived having my feelings not being reciprocated before. If that’s the case this time, yes, it is going to hurt like a mo-fo. But just like each of those times before, I’m going to be okay and I’m going to get through it. So ultimately, regardless of the outcome of this conversation, I have nothing to lose by asking for some honesty, and peace of mind to gain.

I really want to talk about something else that happened this weekend that was crazy (ran into Dylan after months of not seeing him, just before he’s about to embark on a four-month trek through Bali, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Australia), but this log ended up taking a lot longer than I thought it would to type out and I am massively tired after this long-ass busy-ass weekend of work.

I’m so glad I’m going to get a brief respite from it, but I also have to spend all of tomorrow trying to cram five chapters into a day so that I can ace this exam I have on Tuesday like I intend to. Once that exam is done, I swear to god I’m going to bust out my DS and play some Pokemon for old times sake LMAO.

Anyways, until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

Day 309 + 310 – November 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello, hello! It’s currently late Tuesday night. I’m sitting in my kitchen, once again failing in my attempt to focus and study for the exam I have tomorrow. But there’s something I’ve got to talk about.

Time to time in my life, I get these weird… moods. I don’t know what to call it. An episode? A moment? Is it my hormones? Is it in my head?

I suddenly lose motivation, I lose focus, I lose… colour. It’s like there’s less colour in my days, I can’t explain it. “Happy” is usually my baseline emotion, but when I feel like this, it almost feels like this opposite. Not hate or anger or fear or sadness, but empty. Restless, bored, listless, colourless.

I can’t stay in class for more than an hour without getting anxious, can’t focus on anything long enough to finish it, I get really, really tired quite easily (to the point that coffee can’t help) and no matter where I go or what I do, this feeling’s always there in the back of my head behind every conversation or interaction I have, waiting for me at the end of the day. I don’t want to do anything but distract myself with a mind-numbing show and anything else that requires zero or minimum effort really.

It doesn’t happen too often, thankfully.

But I’m curious. Am I perpetuating this? Am I making a choice to reside in these feelings? Do I entertain this?

I’ve tried, time and time again to focus and study. I’ve drank down cups of black coffee, sat down with my notes in front of me, got through the first couple pages without really absorbing anything, and then gave up and got distracted yet again. Have I really been trying though?

Is it the cold weather? Is it the lack of sun? I’ve been taking vitamin D, I went back to the gym, I’ve been meditating more frequently, I’ve even re-read the Alchemist. I take the time I need for myself and self-care, I’m doing everything I feel I need to do. So what’s going on? Why does this happen to me from time to time? Do I lack discipline? Where does the motivation go?

The human body is such a strange thing. I’m like here, watching myself, feeling these feelings, but also not really… here. I’m not in them, because none of this is me. I know me. Last week I took myself out to lunch at St. Lawrence Market, had a great conversation with a lovely gentleman from Belgium and “happy” was no problem. It was easy, it was my constant, effortlessly.

This listless feeling started somewhere over the weekend. Is it the exams? The studying? Do I really not like school that much?

No, that’s not true either. I like studying. I enjoy school. I did well on my last exam for this class. Actually, this is my favourite class thus far and I’m thoroughly enjoying what I’ve been learning.

Huh.

Maybe it is the lack of sun or the cold or the weather. Maybe I’ve been having weird travel withdrawals. I’m no good with monotony or routine. I thrive on spontaneity, adventure and momentum.

It’s just weird. This hasn’t happened to me in a very long time, not since I started therapy and the self-love and my journey inwards about two years ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped my therapy sessions?

No, that can’t be it either. I left off on such a good note with Nadia, and since then I’ve been completely happy and able to self-soothe and problem-solve as I’ve needed.

I don’t want to be the colourless autopilot version of myself!!! Maybe it’s because I’ve been home a lot lately, attempting to study and failing miserably. I’m too comfortable here, I get way too easily distracted and I can talk myself into 3-4 unnecessary episodes when I should be investing my time in other things.

On the bright side, I’m not giving in completely and allowing myself to remain here. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to wake up early, go to the gym, and then find somewhere quiet to study that isn’t home, until my exam rolls around tomorrow evening. I’m fighting back until “happy” becomes my baseline again. Everything is temporary, everything is impermanent, including this… lull. This low.

I’ll be fine. I just needed to address this and talk to myself. Sometimes these things happen. It’s impossible for anyone to remain “happy” all the time, I know that as well as anyone else. Life sometimes catches up. And sometimes, it can be nothing at all. It just happens, we’re way too comprised of chemistry and neurology to simply just exist happily all the time.

And you know what? So what if it’s “in my head”? In fact, if I flip that perspective, that’s an amazing thing to acknowledge. If this is in my head, that also means I have every power to change what’s in my head. Because ultimately, I’m the captain of my fate, and the master of my thoughts and emotions. Even if I feel a certain way, it’s my choice to either react accordingly and give in, or I can do differently and hope for a better outcome.

Everything is going to be fine. In fact, it’ll be better than fine – everything’s going to be great. Whenever I feel like I’m faltering in faith or losing trust in the process, the Universe always sends me a little nudge, almost as if to remind me that it’s still there alongside me, guiding me. I just can’t give up, and I can’t give in to the low’s.

Nadia once told me that life’s a series of roving hills, never quite this steady incline upwards we all believe things to be. And that’s totally okay. Every downwards slope is another opportunity to make our way back up to the top. In fact, without the downwards slopes, we would eventually begin to lose our gratitude and appreciation for the moments we are at the top of our hills.

Regardless of how far I’ve come, all I’ve learnt and all the ways in which I’ve grown, there are going to be moments like this. And I appreciate them. Because when my baseline goes back to “happy”, I can sit in that happiness and be grateful for it that much more as a result of being here. I can be present in my good moments, as much as I am present in the moments that are not.

This was a good log! I like that I’ve been more honest with myself as of late. I had a conversation with Olivia the night of the concert I’d like to talk about, and I also did something very… interesting that I’d like to address that same day, but not tonight. That’s for another log.

Until then,

Love always, strongly, and in every way,

Me.

Day 301 to 308 – October 28th to November 4th, 2018

Well hello there! I haven’t written in about a week and I mean I suppose it’s been busy but I can’t quite recall why now. Oh well!

In fact, this week is looking to be a lot more busy than last week was – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

So, October came to a close last week and it truly was one of the best months of this year. I went apple picking with Adrian that last Sunday and we spent the whole day together, my classes were good, and I ended up getting to be what I originally wanted to be, on Halloween day. All in all, it was an amazing month and I can’t believe I’m already four days into November.

Last week when Adrian and I did spend time with one another, I told him what I wrote in my last log – how that first date he and I had was part of the reason my gut was yelling at me not to go back to Belize.

He kind of just looked at me for a moment before saying he was sorry that I didn’t go (but I assured him I would, eventually, when I was meant to) and then mentioned how powerful that particular bit of information was. It was a nice moment, the closest I’ve gotten really to telling him how much he means to me and how certain I’ve been about this from the start. I’m glad that I can find little ways to convey this.

We spent some time with each other again last night, and today is probably the first time I’ve experienced… this. This strange feeling that I can’t quite describe. I think it may be like… restlessness? Or more so, impatience.

As present as I am when I’m with him, as happy and content as I am, I also feel like I’m holding back. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel! I know I have to be patient and trust the process, and know that the right moment will show itself. It’s just hard sometimes, when all I want to do is just blurt it all out and say how I feel. Sigh.

It’s okay though. Everything has something to teach, and this is just another one of those things. I’m going with my intuition on this, because in the past two years of my life it hasn’t failed me once. I just have to keep reminding myself to have faith. Have faith and trust this process the way I’ve trusted in everything else in my life.

Anyways, what else happened last week! Let’s see – I went out and about on Halloween night dressed as the super-hero Storm from X-men which was super duper fun. I even went to my lecture that way (and shocked the prof for a moment, LMAO). I’m so glad that I got the opportunity to pay tribute to my great love for Halloween.

Later on in the week, Adrian, Leila, Cory and I were supposed to go on a double date for some ramen, but Adrian couldn’t make it so the three of us went anyways, and I’m glad we did! I actually thoroughly enjoy hanging out with Leila and Cory – they’re such good vibes and they’re so freaking cute, legit my goals. They’re fun to hang out with and both very easy to talk to, so we ended up having a really good night.

I worked through the weekend, and here I am now at home, typing away this log.

This week is going to be hectic – I’ve got the Fleetwood Mac concert tomorrow with Olivia, an exam on Wednesday, work all through the weekend and massive work event on Friday to cap it off. Not to mention, another exam next Tuesday so amidst my work shifts, I’m going to have to find time to study. I’m not worried at all though, everything happens as it’s meant to.

Olivia and I went back to the gym yesterday (and this was after a long while, for me) and I felt amazing through my entire day. I’m making it my intent to go as often as I can, at least 3 times a week until I can make it more frequent. I forget, time and time again, how good it feels to do that for my body. In fact, I’m hoping I can get up early enough tomorrow in order to go for an hour or so before I get to some serious studying.

It’s going to be a good week, and yet another busy month I’m sure! Krystal, Emily, Rose, Lori, Adrian and many other people I know all have their birthdays this month, I have my work holiday party to look forward to, and soon enough we’ll be smack-dab in the midst of our holiday season when it comes to work, and I also have to do my best to keep up with studying where I can and how I can.

It’s all good though! I got this. I’m determined and I’m motivated.

Anyways, that’s all for today. I’m just going to chill out for a bit before I head to bed because I’m sure I’m going to need all the rest I can get for this upcoming week.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 299 + 300 – October 26th & 27th, 2018

Hello! Once again, I am currently lying in bed typing this long my phone because once again, I find myself unable to sleep. Before I start madly typing out the thoughts that are preventing me from sleeping however, there is something I must acknowledge first.

Today… today is the 300th day of the year.

Which means a couple things. First, it means that there’s only 65 days left of this year. Sixty-five!!! Where has this year gone?!? I can’t believe it.

Second, it means that Adrian and I have been seeing one another for 200 days now. It’s been 200 days since the day of our first date. 200 days full of the best dates I’ve ever been on, the most incredible magical moments, the hardest of laughter and sweetest of kisses. 200 of some of the best days of my life.

But more on this later.

I wanted to catch up a little bit because all my plans that were intended for this weekend got… well… you know, that whole saying about “the best laid plans” and all.

So yesterday – I tried to throw together some last minute stuff and honestly I didn’t do much research on the place or anything because all I saw was that cover was cheap and it seemed cool. Long story short, when we got there, the place was dead and I began to panic because I felt personally responsible, especially since the majority of us had to leave early what with having work the next morning.

And so, in this anxiety-induced panic, I suggested we go somewhere else. But then… I remembered that Krystal was on her way to meet us. Only, by the time I remembered, we were already hopping into an Uber about to head to the other place.

I felt sooooooooooooo bad. Especially because Krystal’s reasoning for not wanting to join us right off the bat was because she wanted to be able to check out the place she had paid for initially, where we had just been. She got rather upset that we’d left without much warning, and she had every right to be.

And the second place, we ended up spending a grand total of like 10 minutes at before we all collectively decided to leave… so all in all, I’m hanging up my party-planning hat and definitively sticking to my resolution to become the best house cat that you ever did see.

Okay, I know, I’m being extra. One bad night is not the end of the world and shit happens sometimes. Krystal and I ended up making amends today – she reached out and told me she knew I had no bad intentions and that these things happen so all is well once more.

Honestly, that’s what bothered me the most about last night – I felt so sad that she was upset with me, because I like her so much!!! She’s one of the coolest people I know and I guess I didn’t realize how fond of her I’ve become as of late, until that happened.

But also, I felt bad for Cory and Avery because I planned this whole thing and it ended up seeming like a waste of money and time. But again, I shouldn’t stress about what I can’t control, and life just happens like that sometimes. I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to these things, like ensuring that everyone has a good time when I plan stuff. Not everything is going to be perfect at all times and despite how much pride (or hubris, I suppose) I had on planning things, doesn’t mean that my “plans” are immune to life and its curveballs.

Anyways, I was super stressed last night. But the silver lining to last night was that Adrian happened to join us as well last minute and oh man, am I ever glad he did.

That’s the first time he’s ever seen me in a real state of anxiety, and that’s exactly what I want. I want us to experience each other at our worst moments too – the fear, or anger, or stress and anxiety.

And you know what? He was so great. He kept insisting that it was still a good night, assured me that despite what happened with Krystal that I was still a good friend, and he still danced with me a little and tried to cheer me up. He was… me! I’m usually the one who’s super encouraging and positive but last night, he was my ray of sunshine instead.

I appreciated it so much. In this journey I’ve embarked on in the past two years, one thing I didn’t realize I wanted but now see that I’ve truly needed all along, was to be with someone who is as equally if not moreso positive and uplifting as I am. I had no idea how important to me that was until now.

I’m a happy person, but I also deal with anxiety and stress and worry from time to time. And when it comes to those things, I must admit that I try to fend for myself – I don’t actively try to rely on anyone but myself and sometimes, that doesn’t always work. I need to be with someone who can be my silver lining in those rare moments that I can’t see one. Because I promise and know with all my heart that I’d do the same for anyone I ended up with.

And that’s how I ended up with where I am right now tonight, in bed, with these thoughts. I started thinking about the three little words again. They’ve been on my mind for a while now, but comfortably sitting somewhere in the back of it, waiting to be called into play when I’m finally truly ready and when the moment is right. Which got me thinking about the other two times I’ve ever said those three words in my relationships.

In my first relationship with Don – he said it first, and I didn’t say it back. I was honest with him; I told him I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t ready to say those words and that I wanted to mean them when I said them. A couple months later he said it again, so I said them back because… I felt bad.

Despite all the bad that relationship held, there was some good too. But honestly? I don’t think I was truly in love with him. Not once. Why? Because I didn’t love myself. I don’t think you can love someone truly, if you don’t love yourself.

And then my second relationship came around and boy, was I ever head over heels. But it took me over a year to say those little words what with our rocky start, Nick and I. This was probably the first time in my life I said those three words and meant them, however few times I did say them. But the way I said them, and why?

We were in Montreal, sitting in a tiny booth on the second floor lobby of the Chinatown hotel we were in. He’d just finished throwing up profusely after a night of heavy drinking, and could barely see straight. Nevertheless, I’d sat with him through it all and even stuck with him into the washroom to make sure he was alright.

In one of the moments he stopped puking, he quietly asked me why I was still with him despite everything he had put me through. And it was simple. My answer was easy. Those three words sprung to mind and out of my mouth with no hesitation.

Relationship number two was the place where I loved someone more than I loved myself – and I don’t mean that in some romantic kind of way. Loving someone more than you love yourself is dangerous, especially when you have barely any love for yourself in the first place. That’s the kind of relationship that fosters attachment, jealousy, and mistrust. The kind of relationship that allows you to settle for scraps because you’re happy to get even that, because you think that’s all you deserve. The kind of relationship where you get cheated on and give that same person another chance.

(Side note – I still regret none of my decisions because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today, without them.)

So the second time I said those three words, it was because they were my reason to stay.

And now, here I am. Whole, complete, in love with myself first and foremost, at peace and content with who I am and what I entail, for the first time in my entire life. I’ve never once experienced love or been in love at a time in my life when I was in love with me too. And now…

I’ve finally met someone who fulfills all of my needs, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. (Physically goes without saying, heh). Someone who doesn’t need me to heal them, reassure them, or fix them. Someone who is equally as mature yet young at at heart as me. Someone who sees the blue beneath a grey sky – no matter what the situation may be. Someone who showers me with affection at all times and isn’t afraid to show how much he cares about me, no matter who is around. Someone I can actually lean on, talk to and laugh with. Someone who goes above and beyond to convey to me how special I am, and how much they appreciate me. Someone honest, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, adventurous, spontaneous, caring, intelligent and just an all-around good person with a good heart.

I still don’t know what’s in store for us or where this will go. But this damn well may be the very first time in my life that I say those three words to someone, not borne out of attachment or obligation.

Wow.

About 200 days ago, I had a one-way ticket booked to Belize, with no definitive idea of when I would come back and ambiguous plans of travelling to Guatemala and seeing where life would take me from there. It took one date – one magical, inexplicable, incredible, amazing date, to change the course of my life in a way I never thought would be possible.

Life sure is a funny thing, eh?

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough with my late-night thoughts. Tomorrow, we made a pretty spontaneous plan to go apple-picking at an orchard (his idea, yet another reason why I think he’s absolutely the bee’s knees). I can’t wait. I’m so happy life has brought me this person, this beautiful soul full of life and passion. I couldn’t be more grateful for every smile of his that I’ve seen.

CHEEEESYYYYYYYYY OMG.

okay sleep time!

Love always and in every way and so much so that I’m fit to burst,

Me.

Day 297 + 298 – October 24th & 25th, 2018

Hello! This is the first time I’m posting a log directly from my phone onto my blog. Usually, I type things up on my computer but it’s late and I’m in bed and I can’t seem to sleep so, a log it is!

I had my ultrasound appointment today and once again, after the extensive amount of pictures and information they gathered from the ultrasound and even after double checking with the radiologist, I STILL have to wait another week to know what the heck is going on with me.

Alright, I know everything’s probably just fine and in fact, I’m sure everything’s gonna disappear within a couple days or so. I bet you any money there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me whatsoever and everything is gonna go back to normal soon.

So why is it bugging the hell out of me that I don’t know anything yet? This new form of uncertainty is testing everything I thought I’ve learnt to accept about uncertainty. There is a part of me that’s grateful for this new challenge of my mental strength. But for the most part?

I noticed a little anxiety today! It’s been a while since it knocked on my door. I’ve been meditating regularly as of late, thank goodness, so I was able to breathe through it but still. I tell everyone that uncertainty is a part of life and that we shouldn’t stress about what we can’t control. But here I am, poking and prodding away at my neck every so often, wondering what the heck and where the heck these things came from and why and when they’re going to go away.

So here I am writing this log, hoping that if I’m finally completely honest with myself, then maybe I’ll start to feel a bit better. I kept saying “don’t think about it, don’t think about it”, but I don’t think denial is going to help me with this either.

Deep down I know this is nothing. I’m fine. I have to be. I know it’s going to go away and life is going to resume as normal.

This is just a reminder and a test on how to cope with and react to the uncontrollable aspects of my life. You keep going through the same tests until you really learn the lesson, right? So, I have to wait a couple more days. It’s okay! They’re only gonna tell me what I already know anyways – that everything came back normal and in a matter of time, the swollen nodes are gonna go down and I’m gonna forget this even happened.

Plus I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meanwhile – my friends and I threw together a spontaneous night out for Halloween tomorrow, so now I have TWO Halloween shindigs to attend, which means TWO opportunities to make the most of my favourite holiday!!! And I work all weekend too, and my coworkers always know how to make me laugh and cheer me up.

Speaking of my co-workers – the day I left to the cottage, I had a quick shift before I left and Luna asked me if I wanted to go on break with her so she could treat me to cheesecake. I had already gone on break though so I thanked her kindly and said maybe another time.

Today when I went back to work, I ran into her and she asked me if I’d like to go tomorrow and well, I said yes.

Hmm.

I’m nervous? Well not like nervous about her per se but like – is it gonna be weird? We haven’t hung out at all in almost a year. In fact we haven’t spent any time together even AT work – it’s been “hi, how are you, goodbye” and small talk in between this entire year thus far. Hm. Well there must be a reason I was inclined to say yes. And, I am an adult and I can do what I want without having to care about what people think of me. (My team isn’t quite fond of her after last years Christmas debacle).

I’ll just go with the flow and go with my gut and see what happens. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Anyways, I think I’ve vented enough to myself to merit a good night’s sleep finally. Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams about sharks – sharks trying to attack me, being in an aquarium with sharks that escape and try to attack me, almost being fed to sharks. Although last night, it was alligators that were trying to eat me and Olivia (but she had magic somehow and quickly transported us back home before any jaws could snap around us). What the heck man! I just want decent dreams and proper sleep. I feel like I’ve been tired easily lately. (And yet contradictory to that, here I am unable to fall asleep). 

What a busy mind I’ve had. Honestly as fun as this month has been with all of these social expeditions and going out every single goddamn weekend, when November rolls around I’m becoming a recluse, I swear. I’m gonna be such a house cat that my own cat is gonna be like “wtf dude”.

Except the problem with that is November has has just as much birthdays as October did, AND the Christmas season at my workplace will be full-steam ahead all the way into December. Le sigh. I need a vacation.

I got dis. Everything’s gonna be great. I’m gonna make more time to meditate, start a new book, continue to prioritize school, hopefully start MY book, and make time for myself in the best ways I can, even if that means having to say no sometimes. I must remember to say no when I have to say no.

Okay, that’s all for tonight! I should get some sleep, it’s gonna be yet another crazy ass weekend. But really though, I’m grateful for how amazing this month has been, as I knew it would be from start to finish.

I’ll write soon!

Love,

Me.