Day 172 – 175 – June 21st to 24th, 2017

Why hello there! Okay so, while I would love to talk about how much fun I had in Niagara or how great it was to see Leila Thursday night, I’m STRESSING. Like, legit stressing and I need to write a little bit to calm down, and then I will try to get to all of that.

Why did I think going on this trip would be a good idea!? I mean, I’m still glad. But I can’t find my passport. And I’m supposed to be saving money. I want to travel so bad but I’m being so irresponsible, fuck man. And I still have to buy stuff I need, and pack. I need to calm down.

Okay. I breathed for a little bit. Everything is fine. This trip came up for a reason. Either to teach me a lesson or to be an incredible experience. Maybe it’ll be a little bit of both. And I know I’m getting my period soon, so every emotion I’m feeling is like five hundred times heightened than it actually is. Like I want to scream.

It’s fine. I’m going to find my passport, start packing, buy whatever else I need, exchange the money that I need to exchange, and it’s all going to be fine. I’m going to have fun. And just, escape for a little, see some new sights. And when I get back, I can start getting more serious about being responsible and acting my age. Okay there.

I actually hate that I feel this way. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. How can PMS actually be a thing?! Why am I so irritated?! By like everything!? Jesus Christ.

Alright, well. I just had a full on anxiety attack, bawled my eyes out, hyperventilated a little. I splashed some cold water on my face though, and I feel a slight bit better minus the massive migraine coming on.

I think I kind of get why though – mom has started up with the backhanded comments about my future again. Even though therapy with my counsellor has been helping to center me a lot, I also haven’t seen her since late April or early May, so I forget how those comments can get to me despite how much I try to ignore them.

“You’d better graduate before I die”, “my life is so sad”, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this”, “I can’t sleep at night because of you”, “I need to teach you how to be more responsible”, “don’t make these years a waste of my money that I worked hard for”, “what did I do to deserve a child like this”, “why aren’t you like other kids”, “sometimes I get so sad that I want to kill myself”, stuff like that. I try to pretend I don’t hear her but man, I do. The sad thing is, she’s right about a lot of it and I think that’s why it gets to me sometimes. I spend so much time trying to eradicate my own guilt and shame towards myself but she keeps on adding to it, and it’s fair because I did waste time. I did waste her money.

I feel so, so bad. And I wish things could have turned out differently for me, for both of us, I really do. I wish I could have known what I was doing, all those years ago. I wish I didn’t drop out, I wish I could have been more serious about school, I wish I could take all that time back, all the decisions I made or didn’t make. I wish I wasn’t a failure to her and I wish she could see that I’m eventually going to be okay.

And it’s even extra shittier because it’s times like these that make me miss Nick, of all fucking people, so much because he knew exactly how this stuff made me feel and he knew just exactly what to say and how to encourage me to feel better, to believe in myself. I know I don’t need him to do that for me, or anyone for that matter, because I should be doing it for myself. But it gets hard sometimes man.

I’ve tried so many times to make her understand how those comments make me feel but it never lasts. The mutual acceptance and understanding always caves, after time and due to her own personal fears.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low. But it’s okay, I’m here with me and I feel so much better for that.

Maybe I was meant to go on this trip and just get away for a while, clear my head. Everything happens for a reason, right.

Okay, I’m just going to start getting ready for work and start packing tomorrow. I can’t deal with any of this right now. I’ll write tomorrow since I’ll have time, I’m going to be off.

I just want to say to myself: It’s going to be okay. I know mom means well, somewhere deep down amongst all the fear and all the damaging comments. Somewhere past all of that, there’s some real love. I wish it were a little more unconditional, but that’s okay.

Graduating or not graduating DOES NOT determine my success, my intelligence, or my capability. I am so smart, and I’ve been blessed with many different skills that will one day lead me down the path that I’m meant to be on. I’m going to be happy, I’m going to do something that I love doing, and I’m going to have the stability that I crave so badly. I know I will because I will not rest until I make my life exactly what it’s meant to be, FOR ME. I’m not going to do it for anyone else. No one deserves it more than I do. The only person I owe it to, is me.

I’m bawling again, but this time it’s not purely out of sadness – it’s out of how truly and deeply I believe in what I’m saying to myself right now. I am in my own corner, I am here to support and encourage and love me, unconditionally.

I just need to get out of here and clear my head.

Alright, that’s about it for today. I’ll write when I get a chance tomorrow.

And me? Thanks. For being here. It’s been a while since I could rely on myself. But it’s nice to know that I can now. I love you.

Love,

Me.

Day 170 + 171 – June 19th & 20th 2017

Alright. So I am in dire need of some serious introspection today, because I have that mental and emotional “muddled” feeling again, and Dana told me that when I feel muddled, it’s always good to check in with myself and work out the knots so that the energy can flow smoothly again. There are a couple things on my mind that I need to address, ask myself some questions about, and gain some clarity towards. So, I’m quite literally going to ask myself those questions here, and answer them accordingly, as though I am interviewing myself. And I’m going to be completely and totally honest with myself, or else this won’t work.

Before I begin, I must high light the series of events that I believe triggered these muddled feelings. The night before last, (Sunday night), my mom sat down with me and had a stern talk with me. She said multiple things: how I need to stop “playing around” with boys and get serious, and find an “older guy” with a well-established job and start seriously dating so that I can consider my future. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve already kind of mentioned Dylan to her, and told her a bit about him. And during this particular conversation we were having, she brought him up again, but this time to ask what he’s in school for, and what he aspires to do with his life, and stuff like that. Then she said that she thinks he’s too young for me, which led into the whole “find an older guy” part of the conversation. I tried to explain that age means nothing and that we’re more so the sum of our experiences rather than a collection of years, but that went over her head.

I get it. I know she cares. I know she loves me and wants what’s best for me. But man. It’s so hard to remain patient and understanding sometimes. I’m only human. Like I’m trying to do the best that I can for myself as well. I’ve tried, time and time again, to explain that I’m not on that typical path that everyone else may be on. I’m on my own. I’m trying to figure things out for myself. Whatever ticking clock she’s measuring my life by is not mine, it’s society’s. And I can’t abide my society’s timeline, not without destroying my own peace of mind and my sanity.

I know, I “should have” graduated two years ago, or last year, or this year even. It’s been like 6 years, since I’ve enrolled at school. Granted, I was actually out of school for two and a half of those years, but she doesn’t quite know that. So I understand why it’s so worrisome.

I have a plan though, finally, after all of this time. I know what I want for myself. And I think while I’m on the journey of that plan, that other things will fall into place for me so I’ll know exactly where I’m meant to go. I know, deep down, that I’m going to end up where I’m meant to. I just wish she believed in me as much as I’d like to believe in me.*

(WHOA. I’m asterisking that because I think that’s a huge point as to why I have such a hard time maintaining faith in myself – in the eyes of my parents, I’m already a failure [at least, that’s how they make me feel a lot of the time], so I think that’s a huge part of the reason why I struggle to believe in myself. I’ll come back to this realization later though).

Anyways, this morning, she called to ask me about when I’m enrolling for school and to tell me how she can’t sleep these days because she’s so stressed about my having not graduated yet. So I tried to put myself in her shoes – if I had a 24 year old daughter who I know had been struggling with school for about six years and I didn’t know too much about her situation because she wouldn’t really let me in, I’d lose sleep too.

(But in my case, I would do my best to be understanding towards her, and rather than putting my fears on her, I would tell her that I believe in her, I would encourage her, and promise her that one day, no matter what, she’d find exactly what was meant for her. That I was there for her every step of the way, and that failure didn’t exist – only lessons learnt. But that’s me.)

I know my mom doesn’t quite understand things and was taught things a certain way when she got to Canada – in her mind, in order to have the best life possible in this country, you HAVE to go to University for exactly four years, no more than that, and then you get a career right after you graduate, and then you find a man who’s equally if not more successful than you are to marry, so that you never, ever, ever have to worry about money for as long as you both shall live. Oh and god forbid he’s younger, too.

Ugh. I want to take the sarcasm out of my tone there, I really do. I want to be so much more understanding and patient and loving towards my mom, both my parents actually. I really want to. I try my hardest, every day, to practise more empathy towards them rather than resentment.

I keep reminding myself that they only love me, truly love me, and want what’s best for me. I try to tell myself that they don’t know any better because it’s what they’ve been taught, and it’s near impossible to rewire someone’s way of thinking if they’re not willing to see things in any other way than the way they know. Some days, I actually listen to myself and I’m able to calm down. Other days… well, I end up feeling “muddled”.

It’s gotten a lot better ever since I started seeing Nisrine. She helped me to become more accepting of where I am in my life, as well as see the “societal timeline” idea from a distance, and not embody those ideals personally since they were destroying my mental health and overall wellbeing.

Okay, I feel a slight bit better having vented about that. Now, on to some questions I have for myself.

Q: So. The minute that your mom said she thought Dylan was too young for you, all of sudden you downloaded tinder “out of curiosity”. You claim to be serious and unwavering about what you want and your feelings for him, so what was that? And why?

A: Um. I don’t really know. Okay wait, I think I do know. Okay so there’s this part of me that’s conditioned to believe that I shouldn’t have to wait around for a guy to like me right? But then when I look deeper into it, I think it was more so motivated and done out of fear. I’m scared of a lot of things, things I have trouble admitting to myself.

Q: Such as?

A: Well. I think my biggest fear, is that… I’m scared she’s right. I’m scared that he is too young for me.

Q: But what does that even mean, “too young for you”? What does being too young for someone really entail, exactly, in your mind?

A: I’m scared that we won’t be compatible in many different aspects that an age gap usually entails. Like I know, I know that age means nothing, and I truly believe that it’s what you experience in life that denotes and contributes to who you are as a person. But also, time is our greatest teacher. What if he has so much more to learn from life, stuff that he can’t learn while he’s with me? I mean, the exact same thing happened with Nick – we started dating when he was about 19/20. Two years later, he ends up cheating on me. Out of not knowing himself completely, out of god knows what else. He just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, despite whatever future we saw with one another, despite how compatible we were in literally every other way. He didn’t know himself, and everything went to shit.

Q: So this fear is based on your negative experience you had with Nick. Do you see that?

A: Whoa. Yeah, you’re right. I do see that.

Q: Do you also understand that, having gotten to know Dylan now for the past year (more deeply in the past six months than before), and knowing what he’s been through with both his parents and himself personally, that the chances of him cheating on you are pretty much slim to none?

A: I do know that! Dylan’s such a good guy, with an amazing heart and kind soul. But I never, ever in a million years would have thought that Nick would have done something like that to me either, and look what happened!

Q: Okay, think a little bit harder about that though: when you were first engaging in your relationship with Nick, how many times did you back away from it? What do you think that was?

A: That’s true. My intuition tried to warn me, multiple times. The universe gave me all kinds of signs, and I didn’t listen.

Q: And that’s okay! Sometimes, the only way you can really learn something in life is through experiencing it. The hardest lessons come through the worst pain. It only contributes to your strength, in the long run. Moving on now – so we understand that a lot of your fears about this stem from getting hurt again, due to being mentally and emotionally on different pages. But you didn’t quite answer my question from before: why tinder? Why engage with these meaningless (although entertaining) conversations with people that ultimately, you don’t want to be with or care about?

A: I guess it’s because… my mom’s conversation with me that night was enough for me to doubt my so-called “unwavering” belief in what I want for myself (or who, namely).

Q: Do you really want an older guy, someone “well-established” with a career and whatever, like she suggested?

A: In all honesty, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of those things. Age, money and stature mean literally nothing to me. I want a partner who makes my soul sing, someone who teaches me to look at life differently than I already do, I want to be with someone who makes me happy through the smallest things they do. I want someone who’s kind, compassionate, caring, selfless, adventurous, affectionate and sure of themselves and everything they do. I don’t care if they’re not where they want to be in life – I’m not quite there yet either! But if we can get there, together, then that’s all that matters to me. That we can grow together, learn together, and keep doing that together as long as we ARE together. I want to be with a good person, with sincere intentions, someone who can make me laugh when life is throwing its worst at me. Because in the end, money will come and go. Jobs are never, ever quite guaranteed in this economy. But if I can be with someone who can ride those highs and lows with me and we can make it through together, then that’s everything to me.

Q: So what does all of that make you realize about your fears and uncertainties in regards to Dylan?

A: That I truly do not care about our age difference. I don’t ever want to give into society’s ideals that age is a key factor in determining ones’ compatibility with another. Every time I feel myself wavering, if anyone ever points it out to once more, I’ll shrug it off and let it go. I can’t listen. It’s not my truth. And, if there ever comes a point where I do tell him how I feel, and he straight up tells me himself that he has things to learn, then I’ll be totally okay with that. In fact, I’ll be ecstatic, because that just means he’s self-aware and selfless enough to not want to engage in something with me because he knows he needs to work on himself first. And if that’s the case, I might actually have to end up marrying him one day because legit, finding self-aware guys in this lifetime is difficult as heck, LOL. Kidding. But not really.

Q: Don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t waver in what you want or what feels right for you. What does your heart say? What’s your intuition telling you?

A: My heart… my heart knows what she wants and everything else, every other “distraction” feels inconsequential in comparison. My intuition is asking me to hold on and have some faith, and to keep on being patient because somewhere deep down, I know that it’s all going to be worth it, somehow, some way. I’m going to delete tinder, LOL. There just isn’t any point. It was fun, I’ll admit, and it’s nice to know that I can go have fun if that’s what I want for myself. But, I know what I want. Or who I want, for that matter. And I can’t let him go, not without knowing for sure whether or not we have a real shot. And in order to have that real shot, I’ve got to stay focused. No wavering.

Q: Keep that faith girl. You know that whatever is meant for you, will find you. If it is written, it will come to be. And no matter what happens moving forward, you’re never alone – you have me.

A: Thanks me! You’re the best.

Q: So are you!

A: Why thank you!

Q: Anything else on your mind you want to address before we bring this Q+A session to a close?

A: Hmm… I just checked on the knot of feelings and thoughts and my chest and I can actually physically feel… clarity. It’s amazing. I’m almost in disbelief.

Q: Amazing what a little introspection can do for you, eh?

A: You said it man! Thanks again!

Q: You’ve got all the answers to your questions within you! Never forget that. Talk to you again soon!

Well. That was both enlightening and fun! I honestly don’t really know where the questions come from, or who’s answering, but I think it’s like the deeper parts of my self, intuition and heart maybe. I wonder if it’s my brain (logic) asking the questions. Man, there’s so many aspects that make up who I am as a person. It’s quite fascinating.

That’s about it I guess! I had my shift yesterday, I watched Transformers before work, I talked myself out of spending useless money, so all in all, my Monday went quite swell. I’ve got another shift today at my regular job, and then tomorrow morning I’m off to Niagara! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing! I still have to pack, and soon I have to get ready for work. I kind of wanted to watch Transformers 2, but I definitely do not have time for that LOL. Oh well!

I don’t think I’m going to find time to write for the next couple days in all honesty. So, I have to do my best to remember every detail of how fun the rest of this week is promising to be! And, if I do find some quiet time to write, I must. I promise myself that.

I’m honestly so appreciative of how honest I can be with myself now. Also, as for all the parental stuff – it’s going to be okay in the long run. Because, I’m going to be okay. No matter what happens, I’ll always have me. One day, when I have that job I want, I’ll know I did it for myself and on my own terms, and I can’t ask for more than that.

Until I write next then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 169 – June 18th, 2017

Hello! So it is the end of a week, and the beginning of yet another – Sunday, fun day. But, as of tomorrow, it’ll be one more week until I hop on a plane by myself to Las Vegas!!! Still can’t believe it! I feel nowhere near prepared, LOL. I have to pack, and I have to figure out what I need to buy, and I have to exchange currencies so I have money for the trip. So much to do! Not to mention it’s going to be a busy week because I’m also going to Niagara with the girls for two days out of this week.

I’ve got one shift at my second job tomorrow night, and then I’m off from that job for about two weeks or so. I don’t quite know how I feel about that, but I mean… it’s my summer and this is kind of shaping up to be just some additional cash flow for me, so no, I’m not taking it all that seriously. I enjoy my guaranteed hours at my regular job. Going into work for a one hour shift? Not my cup of tea.

I’m literally going to have to pack for Las Vegas the day before I leave, LOL. Because Sunday’s shaping up to be the only day I have off, completely, free of plans. But that’s fine though, because I’m not even going for a full week so it’s not like I’ll need too much stuff.

I’m tired! Man. It feels like it’s been such a long week. I’m not like, mentally tired though. Just physically. I feel like mentally tired is so much more draining, for some reason.

I think I’ll get some rest and finish this up tomorrow. I’ve got to talk about yesterday’s shift, and today’s. Not a lot of stuff to cover though! Just some great wing-woman plays on Luna’s part that I have to take note of, LOL. She’s so funny.

I’m really looking forward to this week! Some much needed me-time, and then I’m off to yet another adventure this year! I can’t wait.

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 166, 167, 168 – June 15th, 16th, & 17th

Hello there! So I haven’t written in a couple days, but it’s because things sort of kind of got a little busy! That and, I was also just enjoying some time I had to myself – on the Thursday (the 15th), I ended up only working for about an hour before I got cut, but I wasn’t DEFINITELY not complaining. Okay, so it’s not that I don’t like the job, because I do! It’s fast paced, and you’re always busy. And, hands down it’s definitely teaching me how to remain cool, calm and collected under pressure during situations. But I mean, I have my consistent job with my steady hours. So for this job, I’m not complaining with how many hours I can get. I don’t even want to work that much – whatever hours I can get, I’ll take! It’s just an added little bonus of money in between pay cheques, which I could definitely use.

Anyways! So yeah, I got sent home nice and early on Thursday, so I relaxed and had a delicious “brownie”, LOL. And then, I attempted to bake an actual dessert in that state, which turned out failing miserably, but it was totally okay. I had a good day! I ended up taking an amazing nap afterwards, which really helped me to recharge and just zone out. All in all, not bad for working two jobs! I’ve been working every day for the past week, but it doesn’t feel that way!

Which brings me to Friday (the 16th), which was yesterday.

So, so, so good! I mean, minus the VIP event where literally none of the clients I called showed up. I feel like I’m going to catch it for that. Sad thing is, I actually TRIED this time, to have people come out! I called my most loyal customers, and not a single one showed up! But okay, it’s okay. I’m going to choose to focus on the positives – like how I had a five piece sale of our own line to one walk-in customer which really boosted sales. And I managed to recruit some customers to buy from our lines as well so, we’ll see today whether we made our target or not. I have a feeling we scraped a little over four, maybe five thousand if we’re lucky. But who knows! Maria is one dedicated lines person, so maybe she pulled it off. I just wish I could have been of more support, but I can’t change things now! So, no feeling guilty.

Back to the good parts of yesterday!

I’m paused for a little bit because I have a sudden wave of anxiety. I don’t really know what the cause is, and it’s been a while since it’s cropped up, but I’m just being patient with myself until the wave subsides. What am I so nervous about?

Is it that I’m scared of Maria’s reaction about the VIP when I get into work today? But self, you know that that’s not something that was in your control. You tried, and even though things didn’t work out, you did what you could. Yes it’s your job and it’s a great job, but there are a lot of people in there who are doing a lot less and getting away with it, so. It’s okay. Let it go. Breathe through it. Remember, you’re on this new path now where you put your care and concerns towards matters that actually deserve your efforts. Jobs will come and go. Worrying is suffering, twice.

Okay, I feel a lot better. I’m so glad that I can be patient and compassionate towards myself now, rather than angry at myself for feeling the way I do. Being able to help myself through my anxiety is allowing me to deal with it so much more efficiently than pushing it away and denying its existence ever did for me.

Anyways, back to the good! Yes, it involved a lot of Dylan, LOL.

Long story short, we talked a lot, as per usual. But there were some things that stood out here and there that made my heart skip some extra beats; like, when he asked me if it was okay if he could bring his fishing gear up to the cottage. (Obviously yes!) I was saying that I need to get some of my own, but he said it was okay since he was bringing his. Would he let me share his with him? I can’t even go down that pathway of thinking without my brain getting fried in hormonal drivel over how insanely cute that is.

Also, while we were talking about my hostess job, he made a point of saying he’s not surprised that I like it or that I’m meeting people the way I have so far, because I’m “out-going and super easy to talk to”, d’aww.

We talked about a lot more stuff, like my total lack of geographical knowledge (I’m not ashamed to admit I didn’t quite know where Malibu was – I may not be geographically inclined but I am intelligent in other ways :D). About travel, and adventure, this amazing place in Miami that he found that was rustic, with a hint of an old-time Cuban villa-feel which he said I would have loved. (He’s right – he showed me pictures of this place and I fell in love at first sight).

I told him I would lend him “Who Says You Can’t” as soon as I was done with it. I told him that I thought it’d be great for him to read since he told me he was stressed about school and also that he has a tendency to second-guess himself (like me!). He’s really excited about it, and thanked me.

So far, so good! Definitely getting more comfortable with him. Now, if only I had the actual guts to ask him if he’d like to come along with me on break sometime… what am I so scared of?! Am I worried that our friendship and endless conversations won’t be able to leave the confines of our tiny department? Am I scared, deep down, that this is all in my head and that the minute there’s some reality to this, that it’ll all come crashing down? That we’re not as compatible as I’d like for us to be?

Well, that’s life! Until I actually move outside my of comfort zone, (and literally, our department) I’m never going to know anything for sure! The cottage is a great step forward, but if I’m going to see if there’s any real possibility and validity to this, I’m going to have to be a little brave! We’ll see. I know what I know. It’s just a matter of acting on it.

Anyways, I’ve got to go to my shift now! I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Wish me luck!

Actually don’t – I have to make my own luck. My fate is in my hands. I just need to remember that.

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 165 – June 14, 2017

Hello! Okay so, today turned out absolutely perfectly perfect. Let’s start from the beginning:

So I woke up early and headed to my second job for my early shift today. It went well for the most part, but in all honesty I did step on a couple toes here and there, but I don’t particularly care. And I don’t mean that in a vindictive, indifferent way – I mean in the sense that, I’m not letting it stress me out or make me feel bad. Like, one of the servers lectured me pretty hard but it’s constructive, you know? I’m going to make mistakes, and this is how I learn. I can’t control everyone else’s reactions, I can’t make people like me and I really don’t care to. So, it is what it is.

Man, the old me would have been so stressed out and upset over such small things like that. I went up to that server later and personally apologized, but that’s the extent of it. I left it all there when I left the restaurant.

Overall, it was a great shift though!!! I seated this retired chiropractor who I ended up in a lengthy conversation with, and he ended up fixing my left arm! I hadn’t even realized that it was still damaged from my accident, but he was able to tell right away by doing a few small tests. It was incredible! I love that I get to meet such amazing new people in this job, really.

And, I finally got a chance to thank Nate today for giving me another shot, so I was happy. He was glad I stayed on too, and understood that where you can’t do well at one thing, you can definitely excel at another.

From the start of this week, I had this feeling that I would be able to leave around 3 pm today, even though my shift was scheduled to end at 5. And, it wasn’t the kind of shift that you get cut from – when you open, you are there definitively from 10 to 5. The girl I was training with even told me so during my shift. Nevertheless, I set reminders in my phone’s task list to go off at 3 pm; I just, had this feeling. And guess what?

About half way through my shift, a leader approached me to let me know… that I would be finished my shift by 3. How crazy is that eh!!?!? I willed it so much in my head. I wanted to leave by 3. (Also because I knew that Dylan’s shift started at 3 and I wanted to go visit, as I promised). I just knew, deep down, that I would. Man, listening to my intuition and manifesting my intentions never ceases to blow my mind. It’s just crazy, how much we’re capable of when we’re really in tune with ourselves. And, I still have so far to go!

Anyways, I got out of my uniform and dressed up in the cute little outfit I chose this morning before my shift ended, and then I happily left. When I got to my regular workplace department, Dylan was already there, looking super tan and ridiculously hot. But he was also engrossed in a conversation with someone and I didn’t want to interrupt, so I went to go talk to my coworkers instead. As I walked into the department, Diego did that thing where a guy bites his fist when a girl looks good? I love that move, I have no idea why! But either way, he confirmed that I chose a great outfit for my “spontaneous” visit to the department, LMAO.

I went into my work space to pick up some client files so that I could call some people (since our VIP event is this Friday), and after a little while, he headed over to come say hi. Once again, I couldn’t help the insanely huge smile that appeared on my face as he approached me. I went around my counter and gave him a huge warm hug hello.

I ended up staying in the department for a good hour and a half or so, just talking to him and catching up. We talked about his trip, and he told me a funny story about a soccer player that he hit it off with there, all the celebrities he met, my tattoo, his upcoming tattoo, a super scary thing that happened to Mary and I recently. I think I may have hugged him goodbye twice, by accident. I was about to leave, and then I ended up staying longer to show him my tattoo, is why. I even ended up leaving some of my stuff behind in the department when I left, LOL! I was so distracted by how amazingly green and bright his eyes looked against his perfectly golden tan, sigh.

Oh and! I let him know about the confirmed cottage dates, and he said he was definitely coming for sure!!!! AHHHHH!!

And the cherry on top of this perfectly perfect day?

Luna was nights, so her and Dylan started talking about the cottage after I left. And, he was telling her that he was planning on bringing his fishing gear so that he could fish while we were at the cottage. When Luna asked him if he was going to go fish on his own, he said that he was actually thinking of taking ME so that he and I could go fishing together!!!!!!!!!!! (Cause we’ve had the conversation where we both found out the other loves fishing. Actually, sometime in March, we planned to go fishing together this summer as it was!)

HOW CUTE! I nearly passed out when she excitedly called me to tell me, LOL. I’m like lowkey so scared to jinx any of this though, like it’s all too good to be true!!!! Imagine us, out on the lake together, nothing but a calm breeze over the water and us talking about anything and everything, while fishing? Literally, my ideal version of a perfect romantic moment. Sigh. We’ll see!

Anyways, that’s about it for today. I’m feeling fantastic. This summer is off to an absolutely amazing start so far, and I can hardly wait for whatever else it will bring!

Also, my family and I had an amazing barbeque today, first one of the summer. And just sitting outside, reading on our patio swing and just enjoying the weather? Man. It was lovely. I’m so truly content and just, happy.

So tomorrow, I have a quick shift at my new job, and then I’m back at my regular job for the rest of this weekend! And, I’m really looking forward to it because Dylan’s going to be in all weekend with me. More opportunities for great conversations and just, getting to know him. I can’t wait.

This book I’m currently reading right now, “Who Says You Can’t Do? You Do!” is so incredibly powerful and well-written. Literally every phrase, suggestion, idea, opinion or tidbit of wisdom is so relevant and poignant. I feel like I have to read it in small increments because it’s just a lot to take in sometimes. But something I read recently that really stuck with me, is how we have the power to shape our beliefs.

It’s true! Here’s a small example: there was this one moment when I was running food from upstairs to downstairs at Joey’s. And one of the plates was insanely hot, burning my fingertips to the point of incessant pain. But, there wasn’t anywhere to put the plates down. I had no choice but to keep going. And everything in me was screaming, but there was this voice in my head yelling just a little bit louder: “you can do this! YOU CAN DO THIS! Just keep going!” So, I listened to that voice, and I made it to the table without dropping both plates.

Our minds and our willpower is so much stronger than we are aware of, than we give credit to. I want to know just how far I can push myself, how far I could go, if I truly believed.

I can’t wait to keep reading this book! I feel like I’m discovering so many different truths at once, truths that are hidden to those who remain on “autopilot” throughout their days.

Well, that’s about it for today! I’ll write tomorrow once I get home from my shift. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 163 + 164 – June 12th & 13th

 

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!!! Okay so A LOT has happened within the past two days, and I don’t even know where to begin! HUGE HUGE HUGE NEWS!!!

Okay well, let me start with… I’M LEAVING TO LAS VEGAS IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!!!!!

Basically, Luna has accumulated enough points to book a stay at a hotel, anywhere, and she asked me to come along with her and her sister for a week! I don’t have to worry about where I’ll have to stay or how much it’d cost, or even about food for the most part!!! All I had to pay for was my plane ticket!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! What kind of crazy, insane opportunity is that, right!? I don’t think I’ll ever, ever receive a chance like this again!!! I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED!!! LAS VEGAS!!

Going on a trip to Las Vegas has been on my bucket list from time!! I can’t believe Luna has been knocking off all of these bucket list goals for me, one by one. She’s honesty amazing, her wanderlust is inspiring! And, another thing that’s going to be knocked off my bucket list: because she and her sister booked their plane tickets earlier since I needed time to see if I could book off time from my jobs and to think about it in general, I booked my plane tickets later and as a result, I’m going to be taking a plane BY MYSELF for the first time in my entire life!!! I CAN’T WAIT!!!! I’m so glad that I’m venturing out into the world and doing all of these things for myself.

The only thing was, Luna picked the last week of June, so I’m going to be missing the Harry Potter show with Leila that we planned from a while ago. I talked to her about it first though before I made any decisions, because of course she’s my first priority and we planned that show from like half a year ago! But of course, she was understanding about it (hence why she’s my best friend!). She understood that receiving an opportunity like this was hard to pass up on, since so much of the trip would be taken care of for me. I’ll definitely make it up to her one day!

I can’t believe it!!! It still hasn’t sunk in yet. Like, I need to pack next week!!! I’m going on vacation!!!!!! Holy crap.

But man, it wasn’t easy to book off though. Like with my regular job, I won’t be getting paid vacation time because three other people are also on vacation that week and this was very late notice. And with my new job, again a lot of people are going on vacation that week and my scheduling manager there only let me have that week off because I’m new, but warned me that next time around he needs at least a month or so of notice. Nonetheless, both jobs are taken care of, so that’s a relief!

This summer looks like it’s shaping up to be an amazing one! So much to look forward to, and I’m so, so incredibly happy!

Although, I have to admit, I had a lot of anxiety this morning. I think it was just a combination of scrambling and trying to get this to work with both jobs and whatnot. And also like, still trying to get the hang of things at my new job, and also residual tension from the drama at work (which has nothing to do with me so I legit don’t care about it, but you know, energy can be hard to avoid sometimes!) And also I have to pack and buy things and it’s all just happening so fast. But, after having this afternoon to myself, I feel a lot more centered and calm.

So, I missed writing yesterday, but it’s because I spent the morning binging and finishing Orange is the New Black, and then I went to work, came home and chilled for a bit, and then went to sleep. There wasn’t a lot to write about, so I just figured I could leave it until today.

Today was good though! I finished early and got to go home. But whoops, I was supposed to stay two hours later than I actually did though. But it’s all good. I’m just going to say I was looking at an old schedule, if anyone asks. I can’t be bothered, in all honesty.

Being detached to the things that really don’t matter is becoming a big priority to me. It’s really helping me to maintain my new peaceful frame of mind, and my centeredness.

All in all, this week is going really well! OH AND! MORE HUGE NEWS.

Yesterday, my mom asked Katheryn if the cottage was free on the weekend of July 21st to 23rd for me and my coworkers to go and… SHE SAID YES! The plan that Luna and I implemented like months ago is finally official!!! But I mean, more than that, I’m actually so excited that I’ll get to share such a special place with my coworkers. And they’re already so excited too! It’s going to be so much fun. I’m hoping that everyone will be able to make it. And I mean, “everyone”… like Dylan, LOL.

I’ve been incessantly day-dreaming about all kinds of scenarios that could take place if he were to come too, a lot of them including me finally confessing how I feel about him, after a good and solid half a year of having this crush. But you know what? I think it took this long for me to get out of the whole chemically-induced and hormone-driven “blind stage” of my feelings, (which are clearly evident in logs dating back from February until now). Now, I’ve settled into this nice state where I genuinely want to get to know him, feelings aside. Which means, I’m suddenly so much more comfortable just being myself, weirdness and strange sense of humour and all. The burn of curiosity has finally subsided into a nice, warm contentment and excitement for a possible “maybe”, depending on what’s meant to be.

Crushes can be so much fun but if you lose yourself to them, they can be equally as dangerous. In a way, I’m glad that this crush kind of went hand-in-hand alongside with my journey to self-awareness and centeredness. Imagine if I decided to completely lose myself in this? Threw everything else to the wind, the way I did in my relationship with Nick? What would happen is: whatever ended up transpiring between Dylan and I as a result, would not have lasted and would not have been healthy. Not in the way I want it to be. The surer I become of myself, the more centered I become, the more in tune with myself I get, the better and stronger a chance that that “maybe” has, later on.

Anyways, that’s about all for today! Tomorrow, I work at my new job in the morning, which will be nice because I get to have my late afternoon/evening. And, I’m excited to see whoever will be there! I actually genuinely like my coworkers so far. Everyone’s been so nice and welcoming.

And, I’m planning on visiting my regular workplace after I finish my shift, in the hopes that Dylan will be there. Well I mean, it’s because when we were talking on Sunday, he asked me if I was in on Wednesday because he’s going to be in, and I said I wasn’t but that I would visit if I finished early, so.

Whatever’s meant to happen, will occur! That’s my mantra and that’s what I swear by.

I think I shall meditate tonight, and read more of my book. Got to keep that positive energy going! I feel that great things are headed my way. I can’t wait!

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift and once I get home! Until then,

Love, all around and always,

Me.

Day 162 – June 11th, 2017

Hello! So it’s Sunday evening, and I’m currently wearing a face mask and unwinding after a long week of work. Man, it feels good to relax. It’s not that I was exhausted or anything – I’ve been handling working two jobs fairly well, if I do say so myself. It’s just sometimes, you need to take a day to yourself to process everything you’re bombarded with on a daily basis. We get hit with all kinds of information, ideas, opinions, and energy constantly throughout our days. Whether or not we know it, it takes its toll. It’s easy to become mentally fatigued if you don’t take care of yourself properly. Hence, it’s nice to just spend some alone time.

So, I have to talk about Friday, yesterday (Saturday), and today Sunday! Let’s go back to Friday then.

Friday morning, I had a shift at my regular job after so long, so it was so good to see everyone and to catch up. I was kind of sad that Luna wasn’t in though, because I had been looking forward to seeing her and catching up. I’m beginning to realize that I don’t really put much effort into this job anymore because of the fact that I have my new one. I mean, it’s good that I don’t take it as seriously anymore so I don’t stress about it, but that doesn’t mean that I should stop putting effort into it altogether. I’m lucky to have it, it’s such an easy job that requires very little effort so I might as well continue to do the least I can do.

My shift went by quickly, so off I went to Leila’s so that we could binge on Orange is the New Black together. We grabbed take out from the mall, and then headed over to her place where we sat for hours, just watching the new season. It was so worth the wait! We relaxed, and had some wine, and it was so, so nice. We even decided to just stay in and be lazy, even though we initially had plans to go out hehe. But honestly, sometimes I love just being lazy as fuck and watching Netflix. I feel like I don’t get to do that enough lately.

Saturday morning, we got to sleep in, and then after that we got ready together and headed off to work. I honestly wish I could do this all the time, just head over to Scarborough to hang out with her and try new food places and sleep over at her house! We have so much fun together, and it’s nice to have someone whose company I genuinely enjoy and crave. Having a best friend like her is a blessing, it really is.

My Saturday night shift went well! I got to see Luna and Sera, and Sera worked late with me so we got to have some pretty good conversations. Sera’s grandmother (so Dylan’s great-grandmother) fell recently (on her 94th birthday incidentally), and shattered her pelvis, so she’s currently in the hospital. My heart goes out to Sera and her family man, she’s honestly been going through so much lately and I just can’t imagine how one person can continuously bear event after event like this. Sera’s got to be one the of strongest people I’ve ever met. I know that everything she shoulders is taking its toll on her body, but at least she’s getting help for that now too. I just hope that everything can take a turn for the better soon, for all of them. I spoke to the universe today and asked it to send some positive and healing energy towards her grandmother, wishing her a speedy recovery if possible. I know she’s quite old so healing will be tricky at most, but I’m hoping for the best and I hope they all are too.

That’s about all for Saturday! Which leads me to today, Sunday June 11th. So today, I finally had my tattoo appointment with Chronic Ink and I got my Jack Sparrow tattoo!!! And, it turned out absolutely beautiful. Not only did it not hurt (I nearly fell asleep at one point, it was so relaxing), but she took her time and really brought out the little details that it entailed. I love it so, so much. Almost enough to make me wish I had gotten it on my arm like I intended! But, it wasn’t the time for something like that. Although, now I know that I am ready to commit to a visible tattoo, moving forward. Either way, my back and torso is beginning to look “complete”, I want to say – it’s coming along so well with many different ideas and concepts and images, and I love how it all looks. I adore my tattoos, I truly do. I hope to make some further appointments with Chronic – I want to add more to/touch up some of my older tattoos, as well as get that watercolour lotus piece done on my hip/upper thigh. I can’t wait! I definitely have to start up a tattoo savings for myself, LOL.

Once again, I am all caught up! And it’s Sunday, which means I have a whole new week ahead of me. So far, it looks like I am working every day, but no complaints from me! I’m looking forward to this week. Because, not only will I work, but I shall also meditate when I find the time before my shifts, workout, eat healthy, read good books, and maybe start re-painting the mural above my bed. I want to be as productive as possible, benefitting not only my wallet this summer but my mental health, intellect and sense of self. No more wasting time! I’ve got to make the most of all the time I am given.

I’m also looking forward to this week because Dylan will be in a lot – I think I’ll be working with him all three days of the weekend, Friday to Sunday, which will be nice.

We’ve been snapchatting a lot lately, and I’m hesitant to mention this even to myself because a) I don’t want to read too much into it, and b) I don’t want to jinx it. But, he’s been snapchatting me from Miami just like he promised he would before he left, and I snapchatted him about my finished painting as well as my tattoo today, just like I promised I would as well. Today, we actually ended up talking for a while after – he kept the conversation going by asking me how Joey’s was going, and I asked how his trip was going and stuff like that.

After my conversation with Wes, I’ve been actively trying to practise being detached from the things that I don’t need to become attached to, and it’s been going pretty well! That’s a part of why I’m actively trying not to attach any weight to these things – it’s not that they’re insignificant, but they’re also just interactions through a screen. I want the face-to-face conversations where our eyes lock and my heart skips a beat, I want those in person conversations where we let each other in, bit by bit, and the talks where we end up teaching each other something new; those are the kinds of interactions that I want to concern myself with.

I have this gut feeling that this summer… I don’t know. I have like, this intuition. Maybe it’s in my head. But I can’t shake the feeling that this summer, is when I’ll finally find the right moment to say something. Not that I have to, but I just feel like it’s finally beginning to organically head in that direction. What I can say for sure though, is that I finally have that patience I so badly wanted months ago. I’m enjoying these brief moments that we see each other at work, I’m enjoying the conversations we have where we get to know each other little by little. Because, I’m finally starting to sort past all the chemically-driven feelings and starting to truly get to know him as a person, and that’s all I want. I’m not throwing myself into yet another relationship where I don’t know the person as well as I’d like to. I did that for my past two relationships, got to know them about a year or two down the line, but by then it was too late: one ended up controlling me, and the other ended up cheating on me. So, yeah. I’m really, really, truly, in no rush whatsoever LOL. I’m aware of how I feel and simply comfortable with these feelings and with the way things are right now.

I’m happy. I’m content! Life’s going great right now. And you know what? In the moments that life was like this – free of tribulations, going along smoothly – I used to get this special kind of anxiety. This low, sinking feeling would start in my chest, then in the pit of my stomach. It would lurk in the back of my mind. It was this little shadow that would menacingly whisper in my ear, “Sure, things are great right now. But, just you wait… it’s going to get bad. Because nothing can ever be too good, for too long. You know that, and I know that. Watch and see.”

Terrible, right? When things got good, I couldn’t even allow myself to be happy for too long without worrying because I was so sure that something would come along and ruin it all. That’s the mentality I trapped myself into, the reality that I believed for myself. But now?

I mean, I’m not superhuman – it’s still there. It’s not as loud now, and I can tune it out for the most part. But, I can happily say that it doesn’t hold as much power over me as it used to. Want to know why?

Because, I’ve finally begun to realize something for myself. I create my reality. I am the master of my own fate. I know that in life, things will come along that knock me off my feet temporarily. Life has its inevitable and sure-fire ways of teaching us lessons we can never forget, lessons we are meant to learn. However, it is up to me to be there for myself when those moments come; to pick myself up off the floor, and keep moving on, so that I can continue to that point where life settles into beauty once more. Now that I have a better understanding of this, life doesn’t seem as scary anymore.

Like I’ve mentioned before – there’s been a huge shift and change in my energy. The moment that I read “Outwitting the Devil” right before the September of last year, there was a shift in both my awareness and consciousness. Here I am now, ten months later, a completely different person than who I was before. I want to keep this awareness going, I want to keep moving upwards into this consciousness and become more in tune with myself than I have ever been in my life. I intend to, and so I will. No more drifting, no more feeling lost. I know there will come a day that I will hear my inner voice and intuition so clearly that I will never second-guess myself again. I look forward to that day.

Anyways! That’s about all for today. Do I need to talk about anything else?

Ah yes! My recent realizations about Nick.

So, I’ve been doing some thinking about my conversation with Wes, when we talked about being able to let go and detach yourself from things past. And, it made me realize some stuff.

When we first broke up and I asked Nick if he wanted his York U sweater back and he said I could keep it, I kept it. I kept everything – the photo booth pictures, the silly pizza paper hat from summer school years ago, the gifts and memories and movie tickets, you name it. But why?

Well, I finally get it now. It’s because, no matter how much I insisted that I was done with the relationship and that I had moved on, what I failed to recognize was that I hadn’t let go. At least, not as completely as I thought I had. Somewhere deep down, there was a part of me that kept all of that stuff because of the very deep, implicit possibility of a future “maybe”.

When I broke up with Don, about a year later I threw out everything after cleaning out my closet – the hand-written letters and drawings, the watch, the gifts, all of it. And, I felt no ways about it because I knew that that chapter was firmly sealed, and that I had truly let go with every fiber of my being. It felt freeing to get rid of that stuff – not in a vindictive “I hate you” kind of way; in a way that I knew for sure, that it was over. That there was no going back, and that was perfectly okay with me.

And now, I think I need to do the same with all of the stuff from my relationship with Nick. I can feel my heart twinging a little in protest, but I’m finally aware of what lies in my heart of hearts (although she did try hard to keep this secret buried and hidden – nice try, heart).

I know she means well. I know it’s hard for her to let go. I know how I am – I believe in happily ever after’s and I don’t believe in giving up. I know I can’t go back but now I know that there is a part of me that exists that believes I could have. But, I can’t. How can I?

How could I go back to someone who hurt me on such a deep level like that? How could I ever learn to trust him again? How could he ever possibly guarantee my security in the relationship, my mental well-being and my confidence that we could move forward together? What could he do? It wouldn’t matter how good the relationship was, or how good the communication was, or how we were best friends. I loved him. I grew to love everything about him. I saw a potential for a future. It doesn’t matter if he needed to learn more about himself as a person, or grow – we could have done that together. Instead, he made a choice that shattered everything, including all the possibilities for more.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have this deep feeling inside me (again, my intuition), that Nick was just not the person I was meant to end up with. I know we were meant to grow as people, but separately. We just weren’t capable of doing it together. But for a shining second there, I thought he was someone I could spend my life with. I guess that’s the part I’m having the most trouble with letting go of.

Knowing what I know now, I have to do what’s right by me. I have to truly, and fully, and in every capacity, let go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. Dana taught me that everything carries energy, even physical things. That includes his sweater, and that box full of memories. Which means, there will come a time where I have to let go of it all. Maybe not now or tomorrow or even next week, but soon. I think I’ll know when the moment is right. It’s on its way, that’s all I know for sure. And, I also know that it’s not going to be easy. But that’s okay.

One last dilemma that I need to figure out when it comes down to that moment – do I ask him if he wants his York U sweater back? Or do I just quietly get rid of it myself, by donating it? Here’s the thing: by asking him if he wants it back, I think that he’ll become aware himself that it’s really and truly over. Is that something he needs to know? Or is it just something I need to do for myself? I don’t even know what his mind frame is when it comes to what we once were. But ultimately, it comes down to this: what will be better for me, and for my own sense of closure?

I’ll give some time to that question. Actually, the official six month mark of our break up is approaching in a couple weeks, July 3rd. I’m supposed to do the question check-in again on that day, the same way I did on April 3rd which was the three month mark. So maybe I’ll know around then.

Anyways, I’m back to feeling clear-headed and ready for the week! I promise I will write every day, I don’t see why I won’t be able to. Even if it’s short logs! I have a feeling that this week is going to be absolutely amazing. I can’t wait! Looking forward to all the good.

Love, love, love,

Me.