Day 148 + 149 – May 28th & 29th, 2019

It’s been a while since I could just write two days in a log title!!! It’s almost a foreign feeling to me now.

Anyways, I’m happy to report that for the past couple days, I’ve been doing quite well! I managed to get more than one day off this week (I was off yesterday, and now I’m off for the next two days), and I’ve returned to meditating nightly (started on Monday night), and I’ve started reading my book again today (instead of the useless scrolling), and I already feel the difference.

My mood is happier, I had a little less anxiety today, and two nights of meditating have already made a world of a difference in regards to my mindset. Let’s keep this momentum going!!!

I think I’m going to use this log to catch up with myself, because it’s honestly been so so long.

So, let’s see… how have I been?

Let me break it into parts so that I can do some due diligence to every aspect I want to cover. Alright so: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually (all on a personal, me-based level). After that, I’ll do: relationship, friendships, work, school, and whatever else may be on my mind.

Alright here we go!

Mentally: what a roller-coaster it’s been this past year so far. The lowness, the anxiety making a come-back. The days I could barely muster up the energy to get out of bed. I know it’s mostly a result of getting complacent in my writing, my meditation, but still. It’s been a little tough. I’m glad that I travelled when I did, to the Bahamas. It was a much-needed trip and a much-needed act of self-love to remind me to wake up, and take my life back into my hands.

I’ve made some good movements towards my mental health – I’ve had a couple appointments with my doctor (who’s amazing), and she’s recommended that I start seeing the clinic social worker before they refer me to an ADHD clinic. I’ve already filled out my preliminary assessments for the ADHD clinic, and now I’m just waiting to hear back on what my doctor will say about them.

I know everything will work out for the best, I just have to make sure that I’m doing my best for myself as well, you know? I can’t leave it all up to positivity and the Universe – I have to do my part too, and never stop working towards it.

Emotionally: my emotions have been pretty closely tied to my mental state as of late. Like on the days I felt low, my emotions matched the lowness. I felt sad, lethargic, restless. But since I’ve come back from my trip, I’ve literally been feeling so much better. My moods are back to being consistent, I haven’t woken up feeling low in a while, and my reactivity is a lot better now too.

I did have a bit of a breakdown the last time I saw my doctor, right before my trip; I got emotional while I was explaining a bit about my past to her, and my current predicament regarding my school situation (more on that later). I broke down because I became overwhelmed, and I told her that I was so tired of living this way and that I needed answers. She was super sympathetic though, and she promised me we’d find a way to change things.

So as of late, I have been doing a lot better. My moods are better, I’m happier, and I love that travelling has the power to shift my mental and my emotional state so drastically. Only, I can’t depend on that solely. I have to remember that I need more than just that, or else travel will simply become an escape that I depend on, and I don’t want that. I don’t ever want my love for travel to become an attachment-based need.

Physically: oh boy, this one’s a doozy. I guess it goes to show that the minute you start neglecting what’s going on on the inside, it’ll truly start reflecting on the outside. Before I went off to the Bahamas, I battled a “flu” unlike any that I’ve had in a very, very long time. I was feverish for four days straight, and my fever got so bad at one point that I was delirious and so, so weak. Thank goodness my family was there to take care of me, because honestly at that point we were considering taking me to the hospital.

Since then, I’ve been trying to get over a lasting cough and sniffles. Whatever I had, it hit my system very hard. And I know my body – when I start to neglect my mental health, my physical health goes right out the window with it. It’s like a blaring siren, warning me to take better care of myself.

I know I have to make an effort to eat healthier. I’ve lost about ten pounds because I’ve been eating less, but that also means I haven’t been consuming proper nutrients and vitamins that may be necessary to my physical health and the support of my immune system. Not to mention, I’ve stopped working out completely and that’s something I need to bring back on too. But, one thing at a time. For now, I’m just focusing on reinstating my meditation and my writing. The other things will follow suit in due time, I’m sure.

Spiritually: this section is a good section. I haven’t thought about where I stand spiritually for a very long time. I feel like I kind of came to this place last year, and I haven’t really thought about it since. I haven’t found the proper tools (or books) to feed my knowledge or curiosity about, but maybe that’s also because I haven’t been curious about it for a while either.

I think I kind of lost sight of my relationship with the Universe in this year. (By year, I mean within 2019). I lost touch with my faith, my trust in the process. I got lost in the surface aspects of life and I forgot how important it was to feed that faith and make sure I was still conspiring with the Universe.

I went to a metaphysical spiritual convention with Krystal and Chad, and that was the first time this year I genuinely felt at home in myself. I need to go back to those roots, figure out how to inspire myself once more. Recapture that feeling that reading “The Alchemist” for the first time gave me. I haven’t felt that inspired since that year of wonderful reads. My last good read was probably “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and even that was mediocre, at best.

So, I’m announcing to the Universe: I’m ready to get back in touch with you!!!! Hellooooooooo, it’s meeeeeeeeeee again! Send all the books my way, the people, the moments that make me stop and realize there’s so much more to this life. I miss the magic, the synchronicities, the signs, all of it! I want it back.

I’m hoping that as I continue to meditate, my connection to the Universe will strengthen once more. I’ve already seen the power that meditation can have in life because I’ve experienced it directly myself.

I can’t go back – I can only move forward. And even though these past couple months have felt like a giant “step back”, it was merely a low dip the series of hills that my life journey is. It’s time to make my way back up.

Alright! So that concludes my personal catch up. Now, onto my current outer circumstances.

My relationship.

I’m literally sitting here, smiling like a goof LOOL. But honestly, I don’t even know where to start, (in a good way).

Things have been better than amazing between Adrian and I. It’s just so easy, always. Nothing has ever felt more right than this; none of my past relationships have ever been this good, I’ve never experienced love like this before.

It’s funny – you always think that your first love teaches you real love. And it definitely does, to a certain extent. But you realize, as you grow older, that your capacity for love is so much greater than you ever knew possible.

I can’t even begin to express the gratitude that I have that Adrian found his way into my life, that we found each other. I know we’re both growing individually as people, but together we compliment each other in ways I never even knew could be possible.

I’ve always loved hard. So, so hard. My love is big and passionate and at times in the past, all-consuming. But here, in the house we’ve built with one another, my love is safe; it is received and returned ten-fold. It’s constantly reflected back at me, in his eyes and in the words he says to me. In the way he holds me, the way we’re entwined when we fall asleep together.

A distant old part of me fears having it this good. But when we’re together, when I’m with him, I’m completely present. There’s only him, only us. Only that moment, right there and then.

Once upon a time, I never believed I could have it all so I settled for so much less. I thought that I may as well get what I could because I’d never have more than that. I settled in ways that were big, and in ways that were quiet. I tried to focus on the good and I boxed away all my needs for the sake of making things work.

I can’t express how tightly interwoven my gratitude is with my love for him. There is no one without the other. Even after over a year of seeing one another, I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. And I try to tell his as often as I can. I appreciate him so much, for everything he is and everything he does, and I hope he never, ever has to question that.

So yeah. Things have been good. Hehe.

Love letter aside – he was so wonderful about me travelling by myself the way I did. I asked him point blank if he doesn’t mind that I was going by myself, and he told me he would never want to hold me back from something I loved. And I asked him how he was so okay with it (when generally, most guys wouldn’t be) but he reiterated that he trusted me and trusted in us.

And recently, we had a conversation regarding our perspectives on marriage and weddings (generally, not in regards to our relationship – way too soon for that), and we both agreed that weddings are a social scam created to satiate the needs of everyone involved as opposed to a special moment that is about the couple themselves. We both agreed that the stress weddings bring about prior to the event itself definitely wasn’t worth it, nor the money that goes into making it all happen. Of course, to each their own, and weddings truly can be beautiful and fun sometimes. But that’s just an opinion that he and I happen to share – it’s just not our cup of tea.

(So… shotgun wedding to Vegas is a definite maybe? LOL JK. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Heh).

Speaking of weddings – the one he invited me to with all of his family is coming up this month, on June 22nd! I still have to buy a dress but I’m excited to go dress shopping soon! I hope I find exactly what I’m looking for – I want something lavender/pastel purple, something floaty and airy yet classy and a little sexy (since it’s a June wedding). We’ll see! I’m sure that dress is out there somewhere waiting for me too.

I know I don’t have to be, but I feel like I’m going to be so a little nervous about meeting the rest of his entire family at this shindig. Luckily it’s a big ass wedding so I won’t be put on the spot, and luckily he’s not in the wedding party so hopefully he won’t have to leave my side much. Not that I can’t hold my own, but you know. It’s a big thing, and a lot of people – he’s got a massive family, and I think about 300 people are attending this wedding.

But, I’m also really excited because I can’t wait to dance with him or take shots with him or look at him all adoringly when cute wedding moments happen, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him in his suit because I know I’m going to have a hard time not passing out, LOL.

I’m also really looking forward to having yet another wonderful summer with him – last summer we had so much fun together, and this is our first summer being officially together. I can’t wait for the beach dates and cottage weekends, the sunsets and the golden twilight hours. Sigh.

Being 100% honest here with myself, Adrian is end game to me. I would never, ever, ever tell him that, at least not for the next 3-4 years LOL. I feel like if I start talking with that certainty, it would scare him off. We’re good with being present and taking things one day at a time. In fact, our pace has been nothing but perfect.

But from the start, as this progressed, and even as we’re still getting to know each other… when we met, it felt like coming home. I want this to be it. I’ve never been happier than this. I know that time can change things and tomorrow is never guaranteed. You never know what the future holds, or how people can change or what they can become. But… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I just… can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at this point. I really do believe that we have many soulmates, no matter what lifetime you’re in. And I know that he is one of mine, but he’s the one I want to choose for the rest of this lifespan. (And if I meet him in the next one, well then I’d choose him all over again).

I know, I’m such a diehard romantic. But hey… when you know, you know, right?

Onto the next! Friendship.

I’m pretty happy with my circle of friends at the moment in all honesty. I don’t have to keep up with everyone on a constant basis in order to know we’re still good to hang out whenever, and we actually have very deep and meaningful conversations whenever we do meet up, as though no time has passed. I don’t feel like I’m expending more energy than I receive, which is a really good thing.

I haven’t really hung out with Avery in awhile. He was making effort to make plans and keep in touch with me, but it’s been me who hasn’t been reaching out as of late. I should, but it also feels natural this way too. I’m not sure. Whatever is meant to be shall be. He still feels like a good friend to me though, despite the distance.

Anyways, that’s about it on the friendship front. I’m glad I’m living my truth and being honest with myself and maintaining my boundaries.

Speaking about maintaining boundaries – onto work.

(Side note – I forgot to add family to this list, but I’ll get to that part after I talk about school.)

So April really took its toll on me. I worked so much that I didn’t even truly get to enjoy my parents being gone for the whole month. And then it took its toll on me physically, when I got super sick before I left on my trip.

It made me realize – I’m very much grateful for my promotion. But I can’t allow my boundaries with work to fall down as a result of my gratitude. I don’t owe anyone anything, I’ve worked for this. My work ethic speaks for itself, and I deserve this. Ergo, I don’t need to be working more than I agreed to. I agreed to 25 hours a week, and since I’ve begun my new position, I’ve been working upwards of 30-35, sometimes almost 40. That’s full-time hours and that’s not what I agreed to.

I know Maria needs me and depends on me. In fact, at this point, I’m the most dependable person she has on the team. But I can’t be to the capacity that she expects of me, where work becomes my life and I end up getting sick.

This week, I watched as Maria made the schedule and I made sure it was exactly what I wanted it to be, hence why I got my three days off. And what a difference it’s already made.

I have to watch and enforce my boundaries when it comes to work. I also need to remember to keep a healthy discernment between good work ethic and being consumed completely by this job. I can’t care more than I should, nor should I get involved in anything that has nothing to do with me. In, and out. Not my monkeys, not my circus. And that’s the motto.

I intend to be very conscious about this and put my foot down where need be. Hopefully the foot being put down won’t be necessary and the Universe hears my wishes and conspires alongside me on this one. I promise to do my part as well though, as much as I can.

I am happy with this job though. As long as it doesn’t come home with me, I have complete faith I can continue to do well with it and it in turn will give me what I need, financially.

Onto the next – school!

So I think I briefly touched on this one in my last log. I’ve been barred from York for two years effective this September, but I’m working on getting that decision reversed. Thing is, a part of me doesn’t even know why. Well, I know why. I mean, I want my degree. But I think this is the summer where I work through the resentments I have towards my parents regarding this degree, and figure out completely how to want it solely for myself first and foremost, whilst working through my potential ADHD issues.

I promise myself I won’t let this go unresolved. I have to do right by me, and I’m taking the necessary steps to give myself options while I figure out what it is I truly want from my life.

I think that’s about it regarding school. Last but not least, famolaaayyyyy.

My mom and I sat down and had a really good, conducive talk. Actually, she wandered into my room a couple nights ago, all quiet and morose. I know she has depressive episodes from time to time, and rather than take out her anxiety on us like she usually does, she actually sat and talked to me and we were able to understand each other. She seems to be doing better since, and it made me realize that if I don’t do my part to understand her, she’ll never be heard or understood, and she’ll always feel like she has to yell to get her point across.

My dad is my dad, still the same. He’s definitely aging rapidly, and it’s kind of strange to see.

Olivia still worries me, LOL. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson of trusting her process without fearing the consequences her lessons may come with. Her life is her own, and I can’t protect her from it without perhaps shielding her from valuable growth she may need. I guess that’s what being a parent is like, once your kids are older. It’s watching and loving from afar but being there as you’re needed, trusting that everything they’re experiencing is a part of who they are becoming and that you did your job as a parent to instill the right values.

Not that I’m her mom. Although sometimes it does feel like we had to parent each other at times. Interesting.

Anyways!!!!! Wow, this was a long ass log.

I think that’s about it. I know my short-term goals for now (consistent meditation, and writing) and I have faith that everything else that I aspire to achieve for myself will fall into place as a result, just as it has before.

Well, that’s about it for today. I have the next two days off, and I don’t have any plans with anyone for once (although I am hoping to see Adrian on Friday since I won’t be able to over the weekend). So I basically have my days to myself! I intend to paint, read, hopefully get some sun, and just relax. Maybe I can even take a second look at my book and reorganize my vision.

To quote Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, more accurately), “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock.”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Goodnight!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 127 to 147 – May 7th to 27th, 2019

Hello!

It’s been exactly 20 days since I’ve written last, and going through my recent logs, I’m just realizing how much I haven’t written in this past year. I was doing pretty well in February for the most part, but then March, April and this month have all become a bit blurry.

I’ve been doing some vague thinking that I would like to make concrete. So I’m just going to get right into it.

For the past two years since the start of 2017, I did some very intensive work on myself. I cultivated new habits that led to a transformation in who I was, a transformation that changed my life. I incorporated self-love, self-compassion and acceptance into my life with a degree of discipline but also openness that changed the entire quality of my life.

2018, I reaped the rewards of my actions. I spent the entire year in a steady arc of happiness, emotional and mental stability. I met Adrian, whom I thank the Universe for as often as I can.

And this year?

I became complacent. I stopped meditating. I stopped writing. I stopped working on my book completely. I stopped doing the things I loved, for myself. I haven’t read a book that’s resonated with me since last year, I believe. I became… lost. And it showed. The same way I reaped the rewards of the changes I implemented last year, I had to accept some pretty dire consequences this year.

Once again, I’m in a place in my life where I have to pick up the pieces of my decisions (or lack of).

Here’s some hard truths I have to deal with that are currently causing my anxiety.

I’ve been debarred for two years at York. I just recently received the email, confirming my fate. I did not receive the grade point average that I was meant to in order to have the debarment warning be lifted. On top of this, my standing with OSAP has most likely been compromised as a result. I haven’t even begun to take the necessary results in order to clarify what my educational standing is, at the moment.

I can’t even think about it without becoming anxious. But, I’m doing well to cope with it by reminding myself that I’m not being completely passive.

I have an appointment with a counsellor from St. Michael’s Hospital coming up on June 4th. I went through with my prior appointments before I left on my vacation and on my last one, I had a bit of a break down regarding my concerns about potentially having ADHD. I told my doctors that I’m tired of living my life this way and that I can’t do it anymore. That I need answers. My main doctor confirmed that perhaps I had something to gain by going through with the assessment, and that if the results did come back that this is in fact something I live with, then we could move forward with a medicinal/mental health treatment plan, or a combination of the both.

So, I’m not completely sitting around and just twiddling my thumbs (or living in denial). Whenever the anxiety comes up, I always think that there’s nothing I can do about the situation right this moment, but I am trying to do my best to come up with and pursue solutions.

Depending on what happens with the ADHD assessment, I’m going to incorporate the results into my academic petition and FINALLY hand it in, after all of these years. And then we go from there. In the meanwhile, the only choice I have left at this moment is to work and take some time to reassess the direction in which my life is headed and what exactly I want from it.

Hopefully, I can do this with my new counsellor. I miss Nadia and I know I will continue to, but with my current academic status, I’m no long eligible to using the campus personal counselling services any longer. So, hopefully everything works out okay with my new counsellor, as I’m sure it will.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

So yeah. I was doing all this work on myself and the minute I got the results I wanted, I stopped doing all the work. And I know I’ve written and acknowledged this before some time during this year, in two or more of these past logs that I’ve written. But despite the acknowledgement – I didn’t do any differently!!! (Other than taking a brief moment to travel, which really helped to open my eyes. But more on that later).

I can’t be the person I once was in any capacity. I can’t stand for it. I love myself too much now to fall backwards into old habits or old patterns of thinking and reacting.

I need discipline more than I’ve ever needed it before in so many different ways. I need discipline like human beings need a spine – I cannot function on a base level nor can I stand straight (or at all, for that matter) without it.

There’s a part of me, the part of me that has grown and developed into being in the past two years who has become trapped and buried amidst all the bad habits I’ve accumulated in this past year alone. She’s there just smiling kindly at me, at peace, waiting for me to come back. She totally understands why this has happened and she’s not judging me for it – she just wants me to be happy again. To feel the ease that comes with doing what’s best for yourself. The unshakeable inner peace. The consistent and genuine happiness.

I vow to return to her again.

It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.

Anyways, I know there’s a lot more things I need to write. I need to do an in-depth check-in with myself because I haven’t done so in a very long time, and I also need to catch up and update myself with my understanding of the outer circumstances that are currently my narrative and life situation. So maybe I can make that my goal tomorrow, since this was a pretty good first step. I managed to sit down and make it through a log without abandoning it for my hunger, or my phone (for distraction).

One thing at a time. You know you can’t live your life this way, and you know that you don’t have to. So let’s do differently. Every day that you’re given is a fresh start.

Love you always,

Me.

Day 93 to 126 – April 3rd to May 6th, 2019

I’m sitting here in front of my laptop after a long day of work. I haven’t written in over a month, not to myself, not at all. I’m almost afraid to do so now, after all this time. But I think it’s getting to a point where I really have to.

I want to say that not much has happened since my last log, but that’s not really the case. A lot has happened. It’s tough to know where to begin, or what to focus on. I would love to catch up on everything I’ve missed – I’m like genuinely sad that I might have to look back on April of 2019 and not remember too much, when it was actually such a good month for the most part.

It went by so fast. I think I did my best to enjoy it.

I’ve been adjusting to my new position. It’s a little bit more responsibility than I thought it would entail – since I’ve started, I’ve been working pretty much every day. I don’t think I’ve had more than two days off a week since the beginning of April. In fact, this last week I only had one day off.

Okay, cutting to the chase – I’ve been going through some seriously bad lows lately. Last week on my one day off, I ended up in bed after my doctor’s appointment with no motivation whatsoever to get up, or do anything. I felt miserable, and I honestly can’t explain why. Furthermore, usually I’m pretty good on a social level. Like okay, I’m terrible at replying to text messages. But making plans and following through, usually I’m good with. But last week? The social anxiety was real. I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.

And then there’ll be days when things feel better and I actually force myself to go out, or have fun. Things will be good for about 3-4 days. But then that same feeling makes its way back.

I’ve always been a pretty generally happy person. But these low days, I can’t even muster up a genuine smile. I know people are starting to notice at work, because I’m usually the happy, smiling, energetic person who’s always happy to go to work. But these days, I come in smiling and about five minutes in, I become withdrawn and I don’t talk to many people.

Is it me? I truly believe in the power of the mind and the ability to choose positivity. I really want to smile and mean it, I want to be able to listen and talk to people the way I always do without getting anxious or uncomfortable. But even with that, my tolerance seems to be waning (which is insane, because I honestly love being there for other people).

Logically, what this means is that I’m not making enough time for myself or that I’m not doing things for myself that I should be. There’s obviously some kind of self-neglect going on that’s leaking into the other aspects of my life. After all, maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself is the key to maintaining all other aspects in life, right? A healthy tree has healthy branches.

I recently went for that doctor’s appointment that I was meant to go for (the one that I previously missed because I couldn’t get myself to wake up on time – yet another thing I’ve been dealing with). I told her about my suspicions and we have a longer, more in-depth follow-up appointment this week so we can start a preliminary assessment.

This is all good stuff, I know it is. I also think the reason I’m in this funk is because after all the reading I’ve been doing about ADHD, it brought up a lot of triggers that maybe I haven’t dealt with properly.

It’s a lot. Like. A lot of the book talks about how developing ADHD is a combination of a biological predisposition, but also very heavily environmentally influenced as well. How vital and important it is to have a proper attachment with your primary caregiver. How unconditional positive regard is what fosters a healthy relationship and a healthy mindset for a child.

This is hard to write. I have the strongest impulse to stop writing this, to pick up my phone and scroll through, draw this to a close and go to bed.

First, I know it’s not her fault. I know she was dealing with so much, I know she wasn’t properly educated on what a child needs, I know she was taught to think in certain ways, and I understand she herself has had/has anxiety/depression and doesn’t know how to deal with it properly or healthily.

But man. I think I have some serious resentment issues when it comes to my mom.

It’s so evident in our conversations with one another. There’s literally no one in the world who knows how to jab at me like my mom does. No one who triggers me as badly, even if it wasn’t intentional. And lord knows she tried to do the most for us, but man the amount of counter-will it instilled in me as a result of being forced to do things that maybe, in another life, I actually would have loved to do.

I don’t know what to do. I think this may be a big part of why I can’t get through my degree. Because somewhere in my brain, I’m wired to believe I’m doing this solely for her. I don’t even know if or how badly I want it for myself. Ergo, the counter-will kicks in as a result of feeling forced, and I’m left with literally zero motivation to go through with it.

It’s so messy. I clearly need more therapy. That’s definitely something I need to work through if I do end up deciding my degree is something I want for myself. I still have a lot of rewiring to do.

I love my mom. Somewhere amidst all the other feelings I have towards her – the anger, resentment, shame, guilt, etc., there’s love there. There’s a deep need for approval too, though, a need that’s dictated a lot of my life. I grew up believing that her love was conditional my whole life – that if I didn’t do well, her love for me and her basic happiness and well-being hinged solely upon my “failures”. Love and positive reinforcement only came when we did well, and even that was just barely.

A part of me knows that culturally, this isn’t new. I’m sure there are many people who go through this form of conditional love growing up, the idea that they HAVE to be successful and do well in school to make their parents happy. So why did this/does this affect me so much. Is it because it’s in combination with having an alcoholic/compulsive gambling dad? Is it a cocktail of environmental setbacks that may have led to my inability to focus, my lack of motivation?

Is it just me?

Hopefully, I’ll have answers soon. I can’t live like this, live my life never living up to the potential I know I have. Live my life not truly knowing what I want from it, what I want it to look like, for me.

Anyways, I probably should head to bed now. I actually feel a little bit better having returned to writing. I need to start meditating again too, and working out as well. The holy trinity of well-being, LOL.

Side note – I’m off to the Bahamas next week, one week from today incidentally! I need the beach more than I’ve ever needed anything ever, LMAO. I can’t wait! I’m going on my own, my first solo trip since Belize last year. I’m sure I’ll miss Adrian, but I’m happy to be travelling on my own once more. It was such a wonderful way to connect with myself, to enjoy my own company. I think I need to get back in touch with myself once more, and there’s no better way to do so than through travelling.

I really want to write more this month. I clearly need it. I can’t slap band-aids on these “problems” and hope they’ll go away. I need to keep doing the things I’ve implemented in my life in order to keep the quality of my life.

Until next time then (which will hopefully be soon!)

Love always,

Me.

Day 88 to 92 – March 29th to April 2nd, 2019

Hello! So that was a crazy couple of days I went through last week. Lots of revelations, lots of things that had to be done as a result. I know what I have to do to move forward, but my main priority is pursuing the introspective route and figuring out how to end the “cycle” to the best of my ability. My appointment with my family doctor is scheduled for next Monday, which is good.

I just started reading this book by Dr. Gabor Mate, “Scattered Minds”. It’s about ADD in children and adults, from diagnosis to healing. He himself also has ADD, so it’s been so interesting to read about ADD from the perspective of a doctor who has it too. In fact, so much of what I’ve already read so far has resonated with me on a very deep level. I had to stop reading because, I don’t think I’m ready per se. I’m also scared – I can relate to so much of what he says and so much of what he describes as ADD/ADHD. But what if I got through the assessment and I’m told I don’t have it? Which I suppose would be a good thing, but then what do I have left to explain why my academic life has been the way that it has been for most of my life? It’s all very… I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable but I know that’s a good thing and it’s also a given once you start searching for answers. And answers are exactly what I need now.

On a more positive note – my parents have officially left to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks! Wow. I love them so much, I really do, but three whole weeks of pure unadulterated (no pun intended) freedom!?! I barely even know what to do with myself, LMAO. So far, so good though. I just have to make sure Bea and Olivia are okay and fed and what not, and obviously take care of myself which shouldn’t be too difficult to do.

Also, after this week I start my new position! I was feeling kind of anxious about it because it is a whole new role that’s been created basically specifically for me, so I made some notes as to what I can do to be proactive in my new role without having to wait to be told what to do. I want to step into this as confidently as I can because I’ve earned this, and I’d like to be treated as such as well.

I have a lot of things I have to do. And slowly but surely, I’m going to get around to doing them. But for now, I’m just going to relax and enjoy this momentary peace and quiet because Lord knows it’s going to fly by.

I guess that’s about it? I’m looking forward to all the new challenges this month will bring about. April is always a good month.

Oh yeah wait! So it’s been almost a week since I’ve deleted Instagram and Netflix off of my phone, and guess which one I’ve been struggling with the most. Netflix!!! Isn’t that nuts? I never realized how easy it is to sink into binge-watching and turn off my brain. It’s almost unnerving now, the amount of free time I have now that I’ve deleted the app off of my phone and I no longer have anything to watch or the means to watch it. But this is so good though. This is teaching me moderation, instead of the mindless binging and autopilot scrolling. Even the Instagram purge is going well. Sometimes I miss it and I’ll redownload it for two seconds in an attempt to perhaps deactivate my account completely, but then I just delete it again.

I don’t know if I want to deactivate it completely, it’s so weird to think of completely cutting off my access to that platform. I know it was such a waste of time and I was definitely borderline addicted to it. I no longer check my phone first thing in the morning or spend like ten minutes in bed just mindlessly scrolling before I begin my day, so deleting it off my phone really has made such a difference. But I do enjoy collecting my travels on it. Maybe I can just keep my account but keep the app off of my phone, redownload it to check it once a week, and use it only while I travel. I’d say that’s a pretty good compromise! But for now, cold turkey. At least for as long as I can muster before I start reintroducing it in small doses again. Or something.

Anyways, that’s about it!

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with Adrian (he’s making dinner for us), and Olivia’s going to be home so Bea’s not all alone, which I hope is okay. I lowkey feel a little guilty about leaving but I swear it’s the only time I will. But Olivia’s home, so that’s good. But she’ll be working. But yeah.

Okay, that’s all for today! I’ll write to myself more frequently this month I feel, because I have a lot more time and this is actually a productive way to spend my time as opposed to Netflix/Instagram.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 73 to Day 87 – March 14th to March 28th

So it’s currently 1:45 AM and I’m slowly coming down off of a very lengthy Adderall… experience? I’m not sure if I want to call it a trip per se, because I’m not tripping. It’s definitely a journey though, that’s for sure. There’s so many things I would like to address, so many thoughts (good thoughts, thoughts of value and substance) that I would love to catch and write down but I have to be okay with the fact that thoughts (in their truest nature) are like sand slipping through your fingers, or fluffy clouds – they look solid from the outside but really you could fall right through if you tried to land on one.

Writing as honestly and simplistically as I can to myself in this moment – today… today was something else, it really was. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s see: I decided to study, sat down and took the pill and next thing I know I’m figuring out all the current academic worries in my life that I’ve been too afraid to delve into for fear of seeing what damage has been done. Not only that, I organized EVERYTHING. The fear suddenly dissipated; in fact, all my emotional entanglements, perceptions or personal feelings about my circumstances suddenly became so much less significant. The only thing that mattered was the objectivity or fact of it all, and what steps could be taken now or next.

Clarity. It’s as though my mind were some body of water, and all the waves just stopped. All the dust settled to the bottom. The water became so clear and crystalline that it now seems like glass from above. And I have sunk peacefully down to where I can see everything, in peace. In silence. In stillness.

The motivation is/was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And it wasn’t just focused or directed at studying (but it was when it was, completely and utterly). It was a pure, unadulterated motivation and will that shone into places in my mind that I have forgotten about (voluntarily for the sake of compartmentalization bordering on denial).

Long story short – I think I do have ADHD. I don’t know. I’m not like, tweaked out or wired. I’m just… calm. And focused. For the better part of this day, I was happy, a little hyper at first, and then just peaceful.

I feel myself coming down off of it now and I’m scared to go back to what I know to be my reality LMAO. In comparison to this utter clarity, I’m worried that my perception of reality will suddenly feel hazy or cloudy. It almost already does, when I look at how I function on a regular basis.

All I know for sure is – one, nothing matters. Like in the sense of the things I worry about, the things I fear. It’s as though solutions fall into my mind before the worries have a chance to truly solidify or manifest. Two, everything is going to be okay. I promise myself that I’m going to be better for me in ALL aspects of my life, the way I did my mental and emotional well-being.

I’ve written down some things I know I need to do to move forward and break this habitual pattern of my erratic academic history. I need to make an appointment with my incredible family doctor and talk to her as openly and earnestly as I can about this. Every concern, every truth. I also need to educate myself on this matter and exhaust all options before I decide to start depending on medicinal means. If there’s any holistic/spiritual/cognitive way that I can help myself with this potential diagnosis, then I would like to explore those avenues first.

It’s time I delve into this for once and for all and start asking the questions and finding the answers that will truly free me from this cycle that has plagued me for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. In a way, if this really is the answer, I would feel nothing but relief. Because the certainty of that answer would grant me the means and motivation to say, “okay. What next?”

I accept every part of myself and love myself for who I am. But if there is anything I can do to help myself, push myself, then I absolutely must do those things for the sake of that self-love and for the sake of the happiness, peace and stability I deserve. This is yet another chapter of my life that will bring me closer to my life’s purpose, my personal dream. I will not stand in the way of myself. I will help myself through.

I have time. I have all the time in the world. Anxiety and fear has no place left in my life, in my mind, in my heart. I don’t want it anymore.

I have a wonderful life that I am so truly thankful for. I have my loving family, my incredible sister, a partner I could have only dreamed of before, and friends who add such value and meaning to my life. I have a new job now, a promotion I’ve received as a result of the Universe’s faith in me, my hard work and my belief in myself. I have a healthy, fully-functioning body that allows me the privilege of doing pretty much anything and everything I set my mind to, including travelling the world and seeing all that it has to offer. I have a sound mind, and a compassionate heart. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am lucky.

I create my reality. I manifest what is meant for me with the help of the Universe. I understand that there is so much to this world, to this life than meets the eye. I have witnessed magic. What is there to be afraid of?

What, in this life, would prohibit me from having everything and anything I could possibly want for myself, other than me?

I just realized – it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve written a positive and uplifting log like this. I used to write them much more frequently when self-enhancement and self-love were my main focuses and priority. I fell into autopilot again without even realizing I had. By mindlessly sinking into the same old mind-numbing addictive habits of re-watching and binging the same shows over and over, of scrolling endlessly through feeds of images or ideas with little to no substance, by lowering my standards of what information I process or what I allow myself to give energy to. I forgot. I grew careless and undisciplined.

Today, I deleted Instagram and Netlix off of my phone with no second thought whatsoever. In this state, it became all too easy to see those things for what they were – vampires. They stole hours upon hours of my valuable time, drained me of my creativity, my passion, my will, my energy, my motivation. I admit that it was my choice to make; it was the path of least resistance – addictive in nature, but a dull empty pleasure that only the autopilot numbness can bring about, if only temporarily.

How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow? (if I do ever fall asleep LMFAO)

Right now, I have no urge to download those apps back. I want my time. I want my creativity. I want my passion, I want my life to be in vivid technicolour. I want to be present again. I want to feel like I have time once more, the abundance of time that choosing to indulge in those apps took away from me.

I can see the possibilities unfolding before me now, as a result of this day. With no Netflix or useless Instagram scrolling to take up all my time, all my hollow claims of wanting to return to the gym can now become a reality. I’ll have more time to paint, to allow my mind to roam peacefully with the boundless freedom that comes from unstifled creativity. More time to write. More energy to meditate. More time to get my affairs in order regarding my academic state and mental-health. More time to devote to my new position. More time FOR ME. More time for others. Less time spent staring at that brightly-lit phone screen. Less stress and anxiety that comes as a result of feeling like I don’t have time or that time is passing too quickly. I will learn to become present once more, and as a result more focused, at ease, and motivated. Discipline will become my first nature because it will reinforce the habits that truly add value, meaning, and colour to my life, a genuine happiness.

I keep saying I’m not an advocate of the “system” we’re all entrapped in, enslaved to and taught to abide by. But a part of that system is buying into, attaching value and investing time and energy into social media/media binging in an effort to stay “consistent” with the content that society has deemed of absolute significance. SIGNIFICANCE TO WHOM!?!? AND WHY!?!?!?

I think what is meaningful and important is definitely unique to each and every individual. It’s important to me that I also don’t fall into any mental traps/standpoints of believing that any “way” is the “right way”. Whatever makes everyone happy/at ease/at peace/content in their life and whatever way it takes for them to attain that state is right for them. But what’s right for some isn’t right for all and time and time again, life finds a way to show me that in so many different aspects of my life.

I have to stop conforming to what I’ve been taught. I can’t attach any significance or meaning to graduating at 30 (if I do decide to graduate at all), or when I move out, or how I choose to live my life or how I decide to spend my time. And what I mean by that “significance or meaning” is, I cannot concern myself with what it means to ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. I have to stop caring about how people perceive me and I need to stop revolving all of my choices around those perceptions because I will NEVER be truly happy if I continue to do that.

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT!?!?! ME!!! NOT ANYONE ELSE, BUT ME!!!!

I have to do everything and anything it takes to answer that question, but NOT according to anyone’s standards/expectations/perceptions but my OWN. Otherwise, I’m going to spend the rest of my existence blaming everyone around me but myself, for choosing the things I did.

I never realized how deeply entrenched my indecisiveness really is. I’ve always thought of it as some surface aspect of myself, something I could work on with minimal effort and eventually it’d go away. But you know what? This is more unconsciously rooted than I’ve realized myself. I understand now that I’m not as completely free of the fear of the outcome as I once believed I was. It’s still buried there somewhere deep in my psyche. I can’t seem to make any concrete decisions regarding what I want for myself regarding school because I can’t seem to dissociate that decision from my external surroundings in order to find clarity within. Hm.

Whoa – I just opened my phone out of curiosity to check for any potential notifications and when I realized there weren’t any, my immediate impulse was to click the exact spot where Instagram used to be, automatically. I can’t believe how ingrained that reaction has become and it’s actually really fucking scary, what the fuck man. How the hell did I become so programmed without realizing!?!?!? Jesus Christ. I do believe in moderation, but fuck no you are not downloading that goddamn app until that impulse becomes a distant memory with the utmost certainty that it will never, ever return again. NOPE.

Another thing I noticed today – I sat down to eat earlier, and again my unconscious impulse was to bring my phone over, open Netflix and put on an episode of the Office so that I could… DISTRACT MYSELF FROM EATING??? How did I let this happen!?!? Okay, that question isn’t going to help me much I’ll admit but still man, it’s mind-fucking-boggling, damn son.

God. Please, me. Please. This is… Adderall me? Clear me? Higher-vibrating me? Motivated me? I don’t know, this is you talking to you. An aspect of you that is addressing your… “normative” functioning self, the self that operates on a daily basis.

You did the absolute right thing today. You really fucking did. Please do not undo this massive step forward you’ve just taken. If you ever, ever feel tempted (because by God we know full fucking well how hard it is to break an addiction) please just come back to this log. I am BEGGING you. DO NOT RELAPSE AND DOWNLOAD THOSE APPS. PLEASE. I love you, I love you so much and I want us to be happy, to be present, to be our best and most fully-functioning selves. I don’t want you to have to rely on these pills to feel this clear-headed or “awake”. You can do this on your own. You can BE THIS on your own, I truly believe that. Just, don’t give in to the mindlessness. Stay mindFULL, and watch how your life transforms. I swear to you it will. You KNOW that it will, you know it. That’s why there was some part of you, maybe it was me, that was begging you to return to doing the things you love, like painting. OH GOD, even while you were painting you had Netflix on in the background, do you remember!? Why?! You have nothing to run from, to escape from; you have NOTHING TO FEAR!!! Allow yourself the complete stillness, peace, happiness and beauty that being present can bring to you because you deserve it so, so much, you really do. Everything in your life will fall into place and happen exactly as it’s meant to if you just stay HERE, right HERE in THIS moment, right NOW. Enjoy every single day that you’re given to the exquisite fullness of each minute. Do everything that you have to do, one thing at a time, without worrying about the next task and the task after that. Give that same passion that you have for the people in your life, to the things that you do, every single thing you do, and your life will overflow with abundance, peace and meaning. It all starts here. And you know, it seems so menial doesn’t it? Deleting two apps off of your phone; seems almost insignificant. But it’s not. You know it’s not. It’s more than just that. I want the quality of your life to wholly reflect the deep and sincere love I have for you. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And I know you want this too. I think I’m fading out now, but I’m always a part of you. If I’m the inner voice, then you know that I’m always speaking to you. Maybe you’re hearing me a lot clearer right now, but I promise you. If you just clear away the clutter, get rid of the empty and meaningless distractions that add no value to your life, I swear to you that you will always hear me, clear as a bell. I’m always with you. I love you. We’re going to do better.

It’s been a crazy day. It’s officially 3:04 AM now, and I’m starting to remember what tiredness/sleepiness feels like. I think it’s time to call it a day but holy fuck. Holy shit man. This was quite the epiphany, if you can call it that. Nah, it was like… remembering. Remembering with the utmost vivid clarity.

Even if I do have ADHD, I don’t think I can be in this state constantly, this level of calm-focus. I don’t know. I’m scared it would become… my norm? Would I take it for granted? Like I’m happy with my normative-functioning self too, you know. I know she can be forgetful, distracted easily, indecisive, and she can’t focus sometimes. But we’re working on that, and I don’t want her to become dependant on anything outside of herself to feel this way. I love her too much for that.

Maybe there’s a healthy in-between. A dosage or natural treatment that would allow me to function just a smidgen more efficiently without messing with my chemical/hormonal makeup too drastically. A middle way. There’s always a middle way.

Last time I did Adderall, I felt this way too. I felt like I could take on the world and do anything. I just need to learn how to harness that feeling and make it accessible to myself without the use of the pills, somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I forgot what I wanted to say next, which means it’s definitely wearing off heh. Oh well. I love me, all of my me’s, every part of me, every state of me. Drunk me, clear me, sober me, high me, crying me, laughing me, hyper me, mellow me, you name it. Even the indecisive, unfocused, forgetful me. I love that me too.

Tomorrow… well the morning coming up after the brief nap I’m about to take, I have important things to do. I’m glad I’ve scribbled everything down and written up all of this. It’s going to serve as an important reminder in case I ever do “forget” and slip into old habits again.

And a solemn warning to myself too – no matter how clear, how good, how decisive, or peaceful this state feels, I CANNOT GET DEPENDANT UPON OR ADDICTED TO THIS STATE AS INDUCED BY THE PILLS. Aka no pill addictions, okay? You can’t go from one addiction to another. Just, be. And do your best. You can do this.

I just yawned and I’m so happy LOOOOL.

Okay, sleep time. I can’t wait to read all of this tomorrow.

I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that or lose sight of the importance of that love, and everything it needs and entails. No matter how much love you receive from outside of you, never forget that you have to do your part to maintain it from within just as equally too.

You’re amazing. You’re going to find exactly what’s meant for you, and I know you know that.

Love, a brilliant, dazzling, ever-present love,

Me.

Day 59 to 72 – February 28th to March 13th, 2019

Holy hell, I haven’t written in two weeks. Which is fine I guess, but I got that muddled feeling again in my chest recently (it’s gone now though because I had a very enlightening, open and honest conversation today which actually helped so much).

Hello me!!! Long time no talk. How you be?

Honestly I want to say the last two weeks have been pretty busy, and I suppose they have been. I’ve had work, I’ve already had two exams, I have been studying, and when I’m not studying, I’m trying to make time for myself and all the people in my life. I don’t have very many people, that is to say, but trying to give everyone individually some time when there aren’t many days in a week is a little tricky amidst all these exams. But, I knew that March was going to be a busy month.

My saving endeavors have been going quite well! I’ve cut down the amount of unnecessary spending I do by bringing lunch to work and little tricks like that, which feels so good. And with the influx of hours I have lately, anything I do have to spend money on (various bills and expenses) I know will come back to me oh so soon.

I’ve been feeling pretty good. School has been a little stressful but I’m trying. I have more motivation than ever to do my petition and submit it, but I’m not a multi-tasking kind of person – I really want to get these exams out of the way before I hand in the petition.

In regards to work – well… I have some pretty damn good news, potentially. So, Maria has recently been promoted from Counter Manager to Business Manager (which she so completely deserves). She’ll now be more responsible for both of our major accounts at Yorkdale, which means she now needs a “co-ordinator” who can be a representative for her on her off days, when she’s on vacation, but also a person who can run/oversee events, do merchandising, and oversee/designate tasks to the other Fragrance Ambassadors along with some other responsibilities. And guess what.

THEY’RE CONSIDERING ME!!!!! It’d be a huge promotion for me from my current position – yes, I’d have a couple more responsibilities when it comes to work, but also I’d be getting yet ANOTHER raise on top of the one I just received, and a solid amount of hours per week. Here’s the best part though – it’s exactly the same amount of hours I work currently, a part-time position. Which means, I can still continue on completing my degree at my own pace but make substantially more money than I have been! Which means, I will truly be able to start saving properly.

I’ll admit – I got really excited when I heard they were considering me. I feel like I’d do so well with this promotion, and I’d be one of the youngest co-ordinators in the business. However – I did get a little worried about how this would affect my school life. I would have to more so revolve my schooling around this position I believe. And the thing is, I’m willing to do that, which kind of makes me wonder. I know they’d still be flexible with me and compromise with me, because they know school is important to me.

But the way I see it is – I genuinely enjoy this industry. I love fragrance, make-up, fashion, I always have. I love the glamour and glitz of it all. If I have the opportunity to learn more about what it all entails and move up in it while still keeping my options open and still being able to finish school, then why not, right?

Well, we’ll see what’s meant to be. Either they decide that because I have school, I won’t be as committed as they need and they don’t choose me and I continue on with my current position (which is no problem to me since I just got a raise and I still have steady hours), or I get promoted. No matter what the outcome is, I’m honoured that they considered me at all.

So that’s that on the work-school front.

I didn’t get a chance to hang out with Avery two weeks ago because some family of his actually showed up on an impromptu visit, but we did finally get a chance to hang out today. Honestly? I was nervous. I was scared that we wouldn’t still have our same click like we always have had. But, I’m glad I gave it a chance because I found out that we still do.

We talked for HOURS. We sat at this little bar in my area and just caught up on everything. How his life is going, his business plan, his relationship, my work-school life, my relationship, everything. We even got in depth about my whole dilemma regarding how hard it is for me to sit through studying and focus. He even tried to help me come up with ways to make studying more easy for me. We talked about important things – growth, the things life has taught us, what we want from and for our futures, you name it. It was real, genuine, and actually got quite in-depth. I talked about things I didn’t realize I wanted to talk about. Afterwards, I sat there in shock because it takes quite a bit for me to open up and talk about my “deeper stuff” that much.

But that’s how I knew that my gauge on our friendship was good. No matter how much time passes or how infrequently we talk, whenever we do get together, we never miss a beat. I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful that he asks me questions that actually prompt me to think, to look within and search for answers that I may not necessarily seek myself. That’s exactly what I want from my friendships.

I told him that straight up. That I missed him, that I’m happy we were catching up, that it’s rare to have friends like him or conversations like the ones we have. I’m glad we got the opportunity to spend time with one another after all.

Friday,  Adrian is taking me to Dave N’ Busters to celebrate yet another exam over with and my potential promotion. I love him so much honestly – literally just last night I told Olivia I feel like going back to DNB soon, and then this morning, like magic, Adrian asked me if I’d like to go. It’s like, everything I hope for or think somehow just comes true when it comes to him. We really are alchemical, our relationship with one another. And I know I’m currently saying this based off of him wanting to take me to DNB LMFAO but like, that’s how fucking appreciative I am of the littlest things when it comes to us. He just makes me so happy in every possible way, and I had no idea I could have everything I could have ever wanted when it comes to a partner, you know? So I want that gratitude to shine through in my every word, in every one of my days, at all times. I’m so, so, so grateful, so thankful.

Also, he invited me to his cousin’s birthday on Saturday night!!! Also a little nervous for that, I wonder if more of his family is going to be there? I’m excited to meet them though, if that’s the case.

I know it’s early – it’s still not a full year since we’ve met. But I don’t care. I could honestly see myself ending up with him. I know we still need more time to get to know one another – see each other angry, and scared, or really, really sad. There’s still so much. But oh man. I just, can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at the moment.

Le sigh.

Anyways, I’m going to go watch Game of Thrones now. I hope that in my next log, I can go more in depth about my relationship with school, because some very valid points were made while I was talking to Avery and he pointed out some things to me that made me think, or things I would not have thought of before. Until next time!

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 56 to 58 – February 25th, 26th & 27th, 2019

Hello! To meeeeeee. It’s been a couple days since I wrote a log, so I figured I’d check in with myself and see how I’m doing. It’s a snow day today, but I did go to half my class – yay me! LOL.

I also did a pros and cons list today while I was in class that I wanted to talk about. I was sitting in class when I started feeling kind of unsettled and I started wondering whether or not I really wanted to finish my degree. I feel like I keep asking that question and I don’t really take the time to come up with the answer.

Another thing I’ve noticed – I’ve been trying extra hard to distract myself lately, and I’m not sure from what. Boredom, maybe? I still don’t think I’ve fully recuperated from my travel-blues yet. Just a week ago, I was in Dallas airport eating some fro-yo with my legs all comfy in Adrian’s lap while we waited for our delayed flight. Le sigh.

Anyways – I did a pros and cons list like: pros/cons of NOT finishing my degree, vs pros/cons of FINISHING my degree. Turns out the category that weighed out all the others was the pros for finishing, which isn’t surprising I suppose. And the cons in each category were about the same – if I finish, I come out with a ton of debt and no guarantee of a job, not to mention I’ll be a lot closer to my 30’s with a butt ton of debt. The cons of not finishing were that I’d most likely be kind of disappointed in myself, and my mom would be devastated, and it might not be too easy to get a job either way. I guess the cons of not finishing weight out the cons of finishing? It depends on perspective though.

I asked myself what I want and the answer is always the same: I want to travel the world, whenever and however I want. That’s my deepest dream, my biggest desire. I’d make a career out of it if I could, or at least pursue a career that allowed me to do this as much as I could, in order to have a life here.

I’m not sure how my degree factors into that equation. But I mean… after all this time, is it worth it to give up now? I’ve spent years in school, not really trying to “finish” per se, but trying to make up my mind (and this how now become a very costly decision).

I do like psychology. It’s always been a very fascinating subject to me. And I do enjoy school, and learning. It’s the whole application of all that where I struggle somehow. If I could maybe fix that – work on my discipline, attention span and dedication whilst learning to separate my personal feelings about it all (how difficult it might be, how long it’s taken, etc.) then maybe I could get through this in a timely manner.

I wouldn’t mind having that degree under my belt. I don’t know where it could take me but at least it’ll give me options.

Whatever is meant to be shall be. I believe that as I continue down this journey of understanding what I want from my life and how I’d like to it to be, that the answers I seek will come to me. I have every faith in that.

Anyways – this week has been going well. Bea seems to be adjusting okay, and I really want to help her find a job because she seems to be kind of bored and doesn’t have much to do around home. And she even said that keeping busy will help her with her home sickness too, so the sooner the better.

Friday I finally have plans with Avery – he called me a little while ago just to catch up a little, asked me about my trip and how everything was going. We didn’t get a chance to hang out before I left because we keep having these weekly scheduled snowstorms, LOL. I haven’t seen him since like last year, so hopefully it doesn’t feel weird or anything! Not that it ever does feel weird when we hang out, even if it is after a long while. We’ll see how it goes! I get to start discerning whose energy feels right in my life as of now.

It seems like I’m going to be getting plenty of hours this month, which is great! But also I have like 3 exams this month LOL. So I’m definitely going to have to take school a little bit more seriously this month and start studying properly. Especially because they’re like one after the other. Le sigh.

I wonder if I can get Adderall from somebody LMFAO. I’ll see what I can do.

ANYWAYS! How am I?

Well, yesterday I found a whole bunch of amazing books – on crystals, chakras, tarot cards, and kindness. And at the same time, two books on intuition I ordered have also come in! So I have plenty of reading material for March when I need to take a break from studying.

You know what? I think I’m going to make a pact with myself right now. Starting March 1st – no more Netflix. Like binging – if I have an off night or a date night and I’m watching a movie, that’s okay. But no more of this wasting hours upon hours of watching the same shows, wasting my time, and then wondering where it went.

I’m officially declaring March to be a “grind month”. School and work will be the priority, along with building myself (good habits, exercising discipline, focusing on saving, meditation, etc.) I’m going into hibernation mode muthafuckaaaaasszzzzzz! Okay that was unnecessary but also yes.

And then when April begins and my parents leave to Sri Lanka, I’m going to party all month LMFAO. Let’s gooooo!

Okay I’m excited. Tomorrow is the last day of this month, and yes I have plans Friday night and Saturday night, but come next week I’m going to be in full-on study mode.

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’m excited for this upcoming month! February honestly just breezed by in the blink of an eye.

The end of this month will mark a year since Adrian came into my life. And April 10th will be a year since our first date. Man, time flies. And at the same time, it feels weird to be that it’s only been a year because I feel like I’ve known him forever. I still remember how it felt walking back into Elizabeth’s apartment after our first date – my legs felt all numb and tingly after we hugged, and the dazed, faraway look on my face made both my mom and my sister question if I was okay, LOL. I actually had to sit down.

You think that your soul knows when something monumental happens? Because that’s what that felt like. How do you explain a reaction that big and consuming without quite knowing where it comes from, you know?

Le sigh. It’s been such a wonderful year.

Well, I think I’ll spend the rest of today maybe reading some of my new books, or taking a nice hot bubble bath. A little bit of me-time will do me some good.

I’m happy and I’m thankful that I’m happy.

Love always, every day, and in every way,

Me.