Day 311 to 316 – November 7th to 12th, 2019

Oh hello! I know it’s been a couple days since I’ve written but it’s been a busy couple days at that! I’m here to write a full log though, in the short moments that I do have. Hopefully I can sit through this without getting distracted all too much.

Okay, it’s been a while since I did a full update with myself but before I do begin to pour out all of my thoughts and feelings into concrete words, I must say first – I’ve been feeling so much better! I don’t know if it’s because of the amount of vitamin D that I soaked up while I was in Mexico or the fact that I’ve been meditating more regularly again, but my anxiety has been so much more under control as of late. I haven’t had any weird crop ups of that chest-tightening feeling lately that makes me stop and have to breathe, which is wonderful. (LOL, even typing about it gives me a shadow of that old feeling, that’s how much I dislike it).

Alright! Time to talk about… well, everything at this point hehe.

October has always been my favourite month of the year and this past October was no exception. I spent half of it travelling, and the other half doing things for me. I also learned quite a bit. Where should I begin?

I’ll talk about my trip to New York first because it was nothing short of magical.

New York was… everything I hoped it’d be, and so much more. Not only did I have the perfect travel partner in Adrian, but I was able to live out all of my Gossip Girl and Lumineers dreams at every turn. I stood on the corner of Canal and Bowery, just like in “Ho Hey”. I stood in the very spot underneath the arcs in Central Park where Blair and Chuck had their iconic Bonnie and Clyde-style wedding. I even got to sit on the Met Steps, just like the girls did in the majority of the episodes.

And Adrian’s birthday gift to me was nothing short of wonderful – seeing my favourite Halloween movie Beetlejuice brought to life in a Broadway Musical was… I don’t even have the words honestly. I even teared up during the possessed dinner dance scene because I was so effing happy. I just can’t believe I got to spend my 27th birthday with the love of my life in the city that never sleeps. It was magical.

What I loved most of all was the fact that Adrian and I travel so incredibly well together. We’ve only been dating officially for almost one year (soon to be one year, in fact), and we’ve already taken two trips together. I like so much that we’ve dived in headfirst to such things because now we know, without a single doubt, how well we work and vibe together. Everything was synchronized, everything was in perfect harmony when it came to us; we’d be ready to head home at the exact same time after a long day/night, we always compromised perfectly, and we gave each other the freedom to explore on our own terms and enjoyed what the other might have stumbled onto. We’re the perfect balance of freedom and structure.

Walking through the streets of New York reminded me of the confidence I know I have in myself. Every single person who walked those sidewalks had somewhere to be, knew exactly who they were and were fully aware of the space that they occupied. It made me what to channel that exact same energy. I walked with my head held high and my shoulders thrown back. It reminded me to maintain my boundaries – not just for the sake of having them, but so that I could occupy my own space with grace and certainty.

When I came back from that New York trip, I felt energized and ready to take on the world. That’s how I know when I’ve travelled well – when the kickback of travelling home isn’t horrible or hard.

But, it was a little bit different with my Mexico trip.

Now, the reason I learned so much this month is because of the way everything unfolded with this trip. I lied to everyone I knew at work in order to be able to go on this trip, inconvenienced Maria and Sharon and put them in a very compromised position, and I allowed Daniella to catch the full flak of it all from our friends, who were very upset at us.

Eventually, I made the decision to come clean and be honest. I apologized to everyone individually, despite the intense embarrassment I felt at having put myself in that position. Ultimately, everyone was super understanding and just glad I told the truth. But it wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that.

Now, the trip was incredibly fun. I had such a laugh with Daniella, and it was nice to travel with Luna and her sister Lana after almost two years of not travelling with them. It felt like old times, we all vibed together just fine, and we actually did and saw so much. Not the mention, it warmed my heart and soul to be reunited with the ocean and the hot sun for one last time before the true cold of winter took over.

Ultimately, I don’t regret anything. I’m grateful that I got to go, and I’m thankful for the new experiences I have collected on this trip. It was so humbling to experience Halloween in a new way and to celebrate and understand the nature of “El Día De Los Muertos”.

But, I… I don’t know. The difference between travelling with Adrian and travelling with the girls was pretty palpable, I think. I didn’t have much time to myself? No, that’s not it. Because I did have time to myself, we were all very good at that.

As much as I might respect the girls, it was a lot of energy that… I’m not really used to. I don’t completely trust Luna, and Daniella can be a little volatile sometimes because she doesn’t trust anyone either. So, it’s weird that I was able to do something as intimate and confined as travel with them I suppose.

I don’t think I will again. Whatever is meant to be will be, of course – like I said, we had a lot of fun and there was tons of laughter to be had. Maybe if all the girls travel as a group and there’s less of a concentration, maybe. That would be more fun I feel, because I do like our group vibe. But I don’t know if I would be willing to confine myself to a trip like that with just them two again. It’s nothing against them personally, it’s just the energy. Like I’ve said before, I’m very picky with whom I travel with. Energy can make or break a trip, no matter where you go. I’m glad we got through it and had such a good time though, I must say. Inevitably that trip was exactly what I needed.

Anyways, that wraps up the last of my trips for this year! I can’t believe I managed to do another four trips again, just as I hoped and intended from the start of this year. I’m blessed, and I’m so thankful. Travelling twice in one month is more than I could have asked for, in fact. It reminded me of how much I love to do what I do.

So, what am I looking forward to this month?

Well, I’ve essentially finished my petition letter and I’ve picked up half of my course performance summaries so far. I just have to pick up a letter from my doctor which doubly confirms my ADHD diagnosis, the rest of my course performance summaries, and… that’s pretty much it. I can start organizing and putting everything together. I’m hoping I can get a hold of someone from YFS to look it over and confirm that its good to go so that I can finally submit it before things get crazy busy with the Christmas season in December.

I don’t know if the petition will be processed in time for me to re-enrol by January. Whatever is meant to be, will be. I’m in no rush. I’m just happy to know what I want finally, after all of this time. And I’m proud of myself for finally climbing this metaphorical mountain and going through with this whole process, for me.

It’s also going to be a busy month for me in other ways! Adrian’s birthday is next week, and we’re planning on going to Buffalo (does that count as another trip since we’re technically going back to New York? LOL). I’ve also planned to surprise him with tickets to a Raptor’s game for the actual day of his birthday! I know he knows because his friend told me he’s sort of kind of figured it out due to my inability to maintain a proper surprise (which is not a surprise in itself), but it’s okay. I know he’s super excited and I can’t wait to give him the tickets the night before his birthday.

And a week directly after his birthday is our one-year anniversary!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH

We spent this past weekend together (drive-in movie theatre on Friday, house party Saturday night and a lazy day in bed on Sunday), and we were talking about how our one-year anniversary is coming up soon. He said he can’t believe that it’s only been a year, in a good way. That it feels like we’ve been together for so much longer, have known one another for more time. And I feel the exact same way. It feels like I’ve always known him. It’s strange to think that he’s come to mean so much to me in what seems like such a short amount of time. But I guess on the flip side, it’s not so weird considering that I’m sure we were meant to meet.

I know this is going to be one year of many. Slowly but surely, I’m getting more comfortable vocalizing that I’m in this for the long haul, albeit subtly (but not so subtle either). Like for example, the day we made things official, we were in the midst of building a ginger-bread house. Only, we never exactly got to finish it because we stopped halfway through to have that conversation.

I joked that this year, we should attempt to make another gingerbread house on the day of our anniversary and actually attempt to finish it in commemoration of our one-year. And then I added that the year after that we could make a gingerbread mansion, and the year after that we could expand to a gingerbread complex, and the year after that we could make a gingerbread condominium.

I couldn’t gauge his reaction about what I was saying though! He joked back that a gingerbread condominium might be a bit ambitious, but I assured him it could be done. Ah well! At least he knows on some level that I do intend to see this through. He did joke that we should also build a gingerbread doghouse or cathouse alongside our gingerbread house though, so that seems promising! LOL.

I can’t believe that it’s only been one full year of this wonderful relationship, and that there’s plenty more to come. What will our second-year hold for us? Our fifth? Our tenth?

I’m so excited for what’s to come. I’m so thankful and grateful, every single day, that I’ve met my “one”; my perfect travel partner who is equally as adventurous as I am, a person who encourages my passions, my goals, and my dreams, someone who is open-minded to all I believe in and everything I proclaim about the Universe but also rational and logical thinking enough to keep me grounded when I lose my head in the clouds. Someone who is kind, compassionate, respectful, highly intelligent and communicative, passionate, affectionate, caring, wonderful, ridiculously sexy and confident, someone who has been consistent about who they are and all they entail since the get-go, unapologetically.

When our anniversary rolls around, I’m going to write him a letter or a note in a card about it. I’m going to talk about my relationship “house” analogy (which ties in perfectly with our gingerbread house).

I’ve always believed that a relationship is like a house in so many different ways. When it comes to building it, there is nothing more important than its foundation. Laying down the brick work such as trust, communication, honesty and openness. A house cannot be a home without a proper standing foundation. And without a proper standing foundation, a house cannot withstand the changes of time or weather what the seasons may bring.

A house can look nice from the outside, but at the end of the day no matter what everyone else might see, you’re the two people who live within it. And if the inside does not reflect what is on the outside of it, then none of it matters. What good is a pretty house if its inner walls are barren?

I’m so glad that he and I took all the time we did to lay down a strong foundation. Even now, we continue to reinforce it as we get to know one another and learn more about each other. The foundation has always been our focal point, and as a result our house has been flourishing from within.

Anyways, I’ll be writing something in that vein and I look forward to telling him how much I’ve grown to love him and our little home. It’s warm, it’s cozy, and it always feels safe to me. Being with him always makes me feel like I’m within a safe place.

Well, it’s about time that I start getting ready for work! I didn’t quite get a chance to write about myself (like me on an emotional, mental, physical level, etc.) but I will save that for my next log. It was nice to have a proper catch-up with myself though!

I’m glad I’ve started meditating again. Everything is already slowly beginning to shift into a familiarity I once knew. I even manifested something yesterday without really intending to, for the first time in a long time.

Sometime last week, my phone showed me that I apparently had an unused $25 dollar gift card in my e-wallet and I got really excited because I figured that would cover my lunch and my coffee for a shift or two. I attempted to use it one day, and it turns out it had just been a glitch and that gift card was empty. It was no bother to me though, I just bought my coffee and lunch and collected my points either way.

Lately I’ve been helping someone out with their business launch. They have an incredible idea that I believe will be extremely successful once they find their right footing, and I was more than happy to be a part of the process of refining their vision without expecting anything in return. Their passion for this project was palpable and it was easy to contribute because I felt inspired by their drive.

Except yesterday, they approached me and sincerely thanked me for all of my help… by giving me a Starbucks gift card for $30 dollars, which in turn paid for my lunch and coffee yesterday with just enough to cover today’s lunch as well.

My heart is so happy. I really didn’t expect anything in return and I was honestly just happy to help out. I know that I have to put good energy out there into the world, some way or some how. But I’m also extremely happy that by doing this, the Universe is allowing me to manifest things once more on some level.

I can’t stop meditating. I know the difference it makes when you stop and just listen to the energy of the world, and allow your heart and being to be filled with that grateful frequency. It’s such a powerful healing technique that allows you to hone in on your inner voice, your intuition, and the vibration of the universe. Big and beautiful things happen when you allow yourself to just be.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I know I’ll be back soon.

Until then!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 310 – November 6th, 2019

Hello! Nice quick short log before I head to bed.

I did what I had to do today – I picked up my course performance summaries and I talked to the OSAP office! Unfortunately, I can’t defer my payments, but I can ask for an interest-free plan, or something? I’m going to have to look into it, hopefully tomorrow morning.

I’m getting closer and closer to getting this over with, and it feels good! Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Day 282 to 309 – October 9th to November 5th, 2019

Typing out day 309 is actually a little crazy to me, I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I turned 27, I went to New York, and I’ve just come back from Mexico so it’s been a whirlwind of an October, but definitely one of the best. I wish I could have written more though, to remember it all. But it is what it is.

I learnt a lot of lessons this month too. About honesty, about friendship. Especially because I inevitably came forward about the lie I told in order to be able to go on my Mexico trip. It got to a point where it was better to tell the truth than keep the lie going, and as hard as it was to own up to the mess I made, inevitably nothing felt better than taking full responsibility for my actions and coming clean. In fact, I felt incredibly proud of myself afterwards because it took so much courage to face everyone, and myself.

Well, here I am now. 27 years old. It’s so weird, because it hasn’t sank in yet. In 3 years, I’m going to be 30. THIRTY! How did that happen!?!?! I don’t know if it’s hard for me to think about because I don’t have a career or my degree yet, but then again there’s tons of people who are still figuring out their lives past 30 as it is. It’s just, such a strange time to be in. I keep seeing so many people I used to know back in high school getting married, having kids, and I keep thinking “huh, so young”. But, we’re not really anymore, you know? This is adulthood. This is mortgages and rent and owning a home and starting a family and being cool with it.

I’m trying really hard not to compare myself to everyone else because my path is my own. And honestly? I am happy with my path. I haven’t given up on school, I travel a lot and I’ve seen quite a bit of the world (thankfully). I like what I do at work and I do it well, and I have a steady relationship going. I can’t complain. In fact, I should be grateful.

I had a really good talk with Radha this morning and she actually gave me a little wake up call. She told me that it’s time to sit down and ask myself what I really want from life so that I can get clear on exactly what I’d like to manifest. And she’s right. I lost sight of a lot of things this year, got complacent. I stopped all my good habits and I’m slowly sinking back into autopilot mode. What’s even more torturous about this is that I know that there’s more to life, having directly experienced it myself. And I keep saying this over and over, but I keep letting time slip out of my hands without doing anything differently. I sometimes get annoyed when people constantly complain about the state of their lives or bemoan their mind frame without actually making any movements to change things. But I’m doing the exact same thing!!!!

I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth and I’m getting to that point where it’s infuriating. But it’s me! I have to start doing differently, not waiting around for something to happen! I can’t live like this anymore.

I want my mojo back. Winter is coming now, and I can’t make it through this sunless season unless I start regenerating my own inner sun that’s kept me so warm throughout these seasons, the sun that lit up my smile from within. I need it back.

I wrote some ideas down in a prior log that I’d like to reiterate to myself:

“It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.”

I’m right. I know what I need to do because I’ve done it before and it worked. It worked wonderfully, and my life was exactly what I wanted it to be. I’m not saying I’m unhappy right now. I just, don’t feel… like I know I can feel, if that makes sense. I don’t want this lost, “drifter” feeling anymore. I know this year hasn’t been bad, or particularly good either, but I just can’t experience anymore “greyness” anymore. I want vibrant, magnificent, resplendent colour in every single thing that I do and see.

I need to go back to being fearless. I’ve also noticed that I’ve let fear become an undercurrent to a lot of the decisions I’ve been making and the way I’ve been acting. I’m holding back, not being 100% honest or speaking my truth. But I know who I am. Beneath all this sudden learned behaviour, I’m… the girl who’s willing to do a running jump off a dock into a lake with no fear of the cold or what’s below. I’m the girl who’s willing to swim amidst sharks and even barracudas just to be able to see the beauty of a breath-taking coral reef. I’m the girl who’s able to come clean and be honest to the people she cares about, even if it means potentially losing them along the way. I’m the girl who has been always been able to have faith and trust the process, even when the process has been scary or difficult. That is who I am and that is who I want to continue to embody.

I am strong, courageous, beautiful inside and out, curious, adventurous, caring, compassionate, brave, fun, lively, honest, open, free and peaceful. That’s who I am. That’s what I must remind myself of. That no matter where I end up in life or what point I find myself at, this is who I am and this is who I must be, in the face of all that I may encounter. No more fear. No more.

I love the things I love, relentlessly. Travel, tattoos, reading, spirituality, deep and big conversations about life and love, learning and growing and adventuring, and so much more. Those are the things I must make time for so that my spirit and my soul will be nurtured.

So, what am I going to do?

I’m starting my meditation sessions tonight. Even if they start off at 2 minutes each of breathing or breath counting. Even if it’s listening to my own recorded voice for guided meditations. I’m going find the technique that works best for me. And I’m going to be disciplined. No more slacking off when it comes to this; I need discipline in so many aspects of my life, more than I’ve ever needed it before.

It sucks that I feel like I have to fight with myself a lot due to my attention span. But I have to try. I have to work with myself here, some how, some way.

My brain is always everywhere at once but I have to start off by doing what I can, when I can. One thing at a time. But that also includes writing like this.

Once upon a time, writing every single day was not a chore or impossible to do. In fact, it was a habit that became as effortless as popping on an episode of Gossip Girl on Netflix. Same goes for meditating. And if I know it’s possible, then why not?

I need to get out there and do stuff and be happy, right here and right now, as I am.

I can do this. I know I can because I have.

What can I do to encourage these better habits again? Setting phone reminders? Putting up physical reminders? Creating an alarm maybe, or a set time?

What if, every day at 8 pm, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I stop to write a brief log? Even if it’s a couple sentences? That might help me to get back into the habit of writing again, every day. I need to pick a time that’s going to be realistic though, if that’s the plan. I work at 11 am mostly every day – what if I woke up earlier (for real) in order to spend a half hour to an hour just writing?

Such as 7 am. I think I could benefit by being up at 7 am every day. Especially if it’ll help me to sleep at night a little earlier. I can commit to this.

And what if I do the same thing, but at 9 PM every night for meditation? That way I get ready for bed but I’m not leaving it too late either.

Okay. I’m going to set these alarms right now.

Done!

And that’s one step closer to exactly where I know I’m meant to be.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day because I have a lot of errands to run, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m going to pick up what I can from my course performance summaries, get some sheet protectors and a file/binder to organize my petition into sections and meet with the OSAP office to talk about deferring my payments and how OSAP would work once I do get back into school.

I’m learning that I have to make better use of the time that I have, because I have plenty but the way I prioritize things makes it seem like I have none.

Well, that’s all for today I believe! Maybe tomorrow, for my first 7 am log, I’ll do a full update and talk about myself, my two trips in full, and how my birthday was. Sounds like a plan!

Love always, no matter what,

Me.

Day 275 to 281 – October 2nd to 8th, 2019

Wow, it feels like I just wrote but it’s already been a week since then! Looks like this month is going to fly by as well eh? So be it!

It’s been quite the week though. I’ve been making some major strides in different aspects, but I’ve also been taking some massive steps backward that I need to acknowledge and discuss earnestly with myself too with no judgement.

It’s so hard to sit through this and write this without getting distracted or feeling that impulse to get up, or check my phone. The ADHD medication has been helping with those impulses a little bit for sure, but I definitely think I need to increase my dosage the next time I see my doctor. On the bright side, this form of medication seems to be agreeing with me a lot better than the Concerta was, for sure. No heart palpitations or bitter mouth taste, and I’m sleeping just fine at night too (for the most part, depending on what time I take the medication).

Alright! Let us begin.

What I would like to talk about in totality for this log: finally making some major strides on my petition, taking time off of work and being non-negotiable about it, the fact that I’m leaving to New York next week for my birthday and then Mexico the week after (OMG!!!!), my recent phone conversation with Leila, a proper update on how me and Adrian’s relationship is going, and then finally a lengthy and thorough conversation with myself about myself.

Okay, let’s see: so last week, because we didn’t have the hours, I actually got to have three days off in a row for the first time in a while that weren’t booked off for a specific reason. Which meant, I finally had some time to be at home and get some things done. As promised, I took the Ritalin on the Thursday morning and actually created a rational and logical breakdown and time frame for my petition. And guess what? It’s definitely more than half-way done for sure. I’ve contacted nearly everyone I was supposed to contact, have about 80% of the supporting documentation that I need, and I’ve finally finished my petition letter so that it accurately reflects the last eight years of my life.

It feels so good, but I won’t rest until I have it all complete and handed in. I’ve set my deadline for October 25th, which is the Friday after I come back from New York and the Friday before I leave to Mexico the week after.

I don’t know if it’s going to be accepted. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I know that whatever is meant to be will be. If I’m meant to go back, I will. But for the first time in my entire academic history, I actually have hope that I can do well in school. And, for the first time EVER, I actually want to do this for myself. I know, somewhere deep down, that this is my calling. I need my psychology degree. I want it for me.

On some level, I am proud of myself. Last week, I was called in to work an extra shift on one of those days off I had. I really, really considered it. But then I realized if I went in, I would be sacrificing one of the precious days I need to get this done. And you know what? Thank god I didn’t, because that was the day I really banged out my petition letter and filled in all my course performance summaries. I even told Adrian I couldn’t hang out until later, because I was on such a momentum and I knew that if I stopped then, there was a chance that I wouldn’t get it back.

And then yesterday, I was supposed to have an eight-hour shift. Instead, I gave it to someone else and I spent yesterday getting even more stuff done for my petition by contacting the various places that hold records I need for my petition. I submitted a letter to the physio clinic to request my records, and set an appointment with the ADHD clinic. I sent a copy of my letter to Adrian and Olivia for editing. Today, I am going to go to school to hand in all of those course performance summaries. I’ve been conversing back and forth with someone from school about my petition and they’ve been helping me so much by answering all my questions about the process. They even told me that I can call them about it in case I have any other questions. And right now, I just received an email the Counselling Services saying they’ve completed their portion. Everything is falling into place!

I can’t wait to have this completed and submitted. I can’t believe it took me all this time to do this. But the timing finally felt right. Imagine I had submitted it at any point in time before this and it wasn’t granted? Everything happens exactly as its meant to. This diagnosis is going to genuinely help me, I know it.

Anyways, that’s pretty much it regarding my petition and being a little bit firmer with work. Speaking a bit further on the latter though; I recently had a conversation with Sera that really inspired me. She made me see that she and I both have been prioritizing the wrong things for so long. She admitted to me that she regrets how much she cared about this job at one point in her life, and she doesn’t want that same regret for me. And I know she’s right. I’ve been thinking the same thing lately.

I’m so grateful for all the opportunities I’ve received working this job. I’ve met some incredible people, I somehow managed to work my way up in a short time, but I think my heart is slowly beginning to yearn for more. The scary thing is that this job is fairly easy and I get paid quite a lot more than most people do. It’s absolutely a comfort zone and I know it’s going to be hard to leave. But I also know that as I start to make movements towards my degree, I begin to stray further away from this chapter of my life. And I’m okay with that. I know things will fall into place as they are meant to when it comes to school and work. But it’s time to start prioritizing myself, just like Sera said.

I work hard at whatever I do. When it comes to jobs, I try my hardest to give my all. My all ain’t that bad honestly, and turns out that it’s exactly what my company needed. I know they created this position for me. I’m thankful that they did. But there are days I am exhausted mentally and emotionally even after a five-hour shift, all due to the department politics and unnecessary drama. It’s so hard to keep a rational perspective sometimes because of how fishbowl-like our little department is. And then because I care about what I do, I get stressed out when we don’t meet numbers or if I feel like I’m not doing my part. I worry if I don’t go in when I feel like I should. I get guilty about taking time off. I’ve prioritized this job more than I’ve prioritized anything else in my life, and that goes for my relationship with myself and my relationships with others. It’s scary and it’s sad, but it’s time to start unlearning these habits.

Which brings me to my next point: my upcoming travels, plural. I am so excited about being able to go to New York for my birthday with Adrian! I’m sad that I won’t be able to see my favourite painting Starry Night at MoMA because they’re closed for renovations, but I am excited to see all the places that Gossip Girl was filmed. I’m excited to adventure around such a big city with the love of my life, and try amazing foods that are unique to this place and culture. I’m so glad to be doing something that’s so important to me – I haven’t travelled since May, and it feels like I’ve even put my love for travel on the backburner to compromise with work.

And, I did something. Well, it turns out that Luna and Daniella are going to Mexico for five days, and they’re paying less than $500 each – that includes flight AND hotel!!!! And when Luna calculated how much it would cost for me (only 374!!!!) there was literally no way I could resist her siren song. She knew exactly how to get to me (no complaints here) and… I booked the flight, LMAO. I know, I’m reckless and impulsive and I booked that flight before I even paid for New York in full but GODDAMNIT LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD.

Here’s the thing though: Sharon has booked off that exact same week for vacation, and Maria has already warned us both that if one goes, the other has to stay. So, there was no way I could approach Anna and ask her if it would be okay because they’ve both already told me that Sharon is going. But thanks to our smart Sera, we have a plan: Luna and Daniella are planning on approaching Maria and telling her that Adrian knew about this trip because I told him I wish I could go and that he decided to get into contact with the girls so that he could pay for my trip to go with them as a birthday gift to me, which he’s intending to surprise me with when we go to New York. The girls are planning on telling Maria that they had no choice because he gave them the cash, and they booked it for me accordingly for those dates. And that it’s non-refundable, so she has to give me those days off. Only, she can’t talk to me about it because it’s a surprise and I have no idea about any of it.

The bright side thus far: Maria called me yesterday and let me know that one of our really good demos was planning on coming back. He apparently gave some specific dates, but I’m hoping those specific dates coincide with my specific dates. Furthermore, another one of our associates was planning on taking some days off in early November too which would have also boded ill for me. But, it seems like she’s changing her mind about that vacation!! According to a conversation she had with Luna recently. Here’s hoping that Universe really does have my back on this. I have every faith that it does. I flipped a coin and asked if I should go, heads being yes and tails being no. I got heads, then tails, and finally, heads again.

I know things haven’t really been the same with Luna and I for quite some time. I haven’t travelled with her since we went to Grand Cayman 2 years ago. I know sometimes it’s difficult to trust her because she doesn’t quite have any boundaries when it comes to her temper and getting involved with situations that have nothing to do with her. But ultimately, I want to believe she’s a good person and I’ve always had a good time travelling with her. And, her sister Lana is coming too and it’ll be nice to see her after all of this time. She’s a blast, and I know the four of us together would have a wild time.

I also can’t pass up on a trip for this cost. A five-star hotel, an island away from everything in the middle of blue waters and tons of white sands. How can I not?!?!? Plus apparently I’m vitamin D deficient so I should get all the sun I’ll get before the brunt of winter. It’ll be good for my health, LOL.

I’m nervous, but I’m hopeful. Everyone I know is saying I deserve this, that it’s worth it. I don’t want to feel guilty about missing work. I’m not even missing anything important – it’s right in between two of our biggest events, and it’s only five days as opposed to Sharon’s week. I’ll be there to cover for her 2/7 days she’s gone.

We’ll see! It’s happening, I’m going, I can’t go back now that I’ve booked it. We even have Adrian’s blessing on the plan and my travels, so full steam ahead I say! They’re planning on doing it tomorrow, oh boy. Wish me and the girls luck!

So that’s it about that. Next, my phone call with Leila, update on Adrian and I, and update on myself. But, it’s currently 1:21 PM and I have to get ready to jet off to school before 2:30 PM so that I can pick up my paperwork from PCS and hand in my course performance summaries to all their respective departments. When I come back in the afternoon, I promise to finish this once I get through the rest of my tasks I’ve written down on my task list for today. Not a bad start to updating things though!

I’ll be back!

…And I am back! (Hehe Office reference).

I successfully handed out all my course performance summaries (which literally felt like running a marathon as every single course subject department was scattered throughout the entire goddamn campus – I did 7500 steps at York alone, lord) and took a break when I got home by making myself an omelette and watching a movie.

I had other things to do on my task list, but honestly these two days off I’ve had have not felt like days off what with the amount of running around I’ve been doing, and I am tired. I got to balance out some me-time or else I’m going to get run down between running around on my downtime and running around at work.

So, my me-time right now entails writing and essentially talking to myself while my cat sits comfortably on my lap.

Alright, let’s get back to it.

So, Leila asked to have a phone conversation with me to discuss things after I gave her some space, and we ended up speaking yesterday. Man I was ever nervous. But everything went really well. She asked me questions as to when I started feeling the way I did, and asked me point blank if I didn’t want to be friends with her, etc. And I tried to answer her questions as honestly and openly as possible.

I asked her why she still wanted to be friends with me after everything, and she explained that she knows me and knows my qualities despite how I’ve been acting these months, and she would rather choose love over everything, every time. It was very sweet and heartfelt. I didn’t realize that she’d grown to know me so well, and I her, after all this time.

She even gave me the benefit of the doubt and thought that there was something wrong with me that was making me pull away or need space, even though it hurt her. I appreciate that about her so much. I haven’t been the best friend, and I know it hasn’t been a magical year. I’ve been slipping into old habits and I’ve formed new ones that aren’t so good. But things are going to change, because they have to.

Anyways, we established what we need from one another if we are to move forward. She asked me for effort, simple effort even in the form of a snapchat from time to time, just to show her that I still think of her. Small reaffirmations to acknowledge our friendship. She’s not asking for a lot.

I asked her what I could do to regain her trust, and I know that I can’t just say all these things – I have to act. I have to make plans, I have to check-in with her from time to time and ask her how she’s doing in depth so that we don’t have to wait until we see one another to properly catch up.

I also asked that moving forward when we do ask about one another, that we provide each other with as much detail as possible and remain open and honest and vulnerable. I want to be able to tell her everything and anything, and vice versa for her with me. She agreed that that was a good point as well.

Ultimately, it’ll probably take a while for us to resume a proper, trusting relationship with one another. I have a lot of work to do, I know. But it’s not “a lot” a lot in the sense that it requires more energy than I have to offer. I want to choose to prioritize her the way I prioritize whatever else I do in my life.

She’s one of the longest friends I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to lose her. For everything she is, she really is a wonderful person with a big heart who cares so deeply, I truly believe that.

We’ve been catching up lightly now, which has been nice. And we’ve set a date to hang out for when I get back from New York. I’m excited! I think now that we’ve got everything out of the way, I can be my weird self with her again and have fun the way that we always used to. Slowly but surely.

It’s been a really weird year I think. Sort of like, out of whack. It’s like, I got this promotion and it became so important to me, and everything went off-kilter. So strange. But I mean, if life’s a series of roving hills, then this year is just one of the lower dips maybe. Not that it hasn’t had its ups at all.

The one thing that has been constant throughout this entire year? My relationship with Adrian.

Next month, we’ll be celebrating our official one-year anniversary with one another. We’ve met each other’s families, travelled together, and pretty much established that this is pretty serious. I’ve never had it this good with anyone before, ever. Even our “conflicts” (and I use that word as lightly as possible because we never, ever disagree on anything) are handled as maturely and thoroughly as possible. There are no dirty dishes in our kitchen sink because we air things out as calmly and rationally as we can, and always with so much love for one another.

People we know (like my coworkers and my family) keep joking with us about when we’re going to get married or when the big day is, and we always laugh it off. I’m definitely in no rush whatsoever towards anything more than what we are and what we have because I’m so incredibly happy with him and happy with all we entail.

But as I’ve said before – if it’s possible, I want this to be it for me. I want him to be it for me. I can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else in this life unless they are exactly like him. Actually, I don’t even think anyone could compare or even come close because he’s so uniquely him and so wonderful for everything he is.

He always says, “slowly” when people bring up the big “m” word. And I agree whole-heartedly. But I’m hoping one day, I’ll hear him say “I can’t wait until we get our dog”, or “I can’t wait until I can wake up beside you every morning”. I remember one time when we were talking about our age difference, he joked that one day I would be 83 and he would only be 80 and he’d be the one laughing then, and it made me so incredibly happy LOL.

I want us to be laughing when we’re in our 80’s, together. I want that Notebook kind of love (minus the Alzheimer’s, obviously). I want to spend the rest of my life adventuring around the world with him and enjoying all that it has to offer us.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself. But I can’t help it. Especially when I feel like I’ve received everything I could have ever hoped for or wanted for myself, in him. So, I have to make a note of just enjoying every moment that we get, and be present. Enjoy every one of those precious moments where we both half-wake up in the earliest hours of the morning and sleepily pull each other closer. Every deep conversation we have in his car while we’re smoking a joint, talking about life and fear and love and so much more. Every time he looks at me and my stomach flips because it’s so full love and passion. I’m so lucky, and I’m so happy. I don’t ever, ever want to take this or him for granted.

Anyways, that’s a little update about us. I’m really looking forward to our New York trip, I know we’re going to have so much fun. We really do travel so well together, which makes me really happy.

Okay so update on myself. Time to be brutally, uncomfortably honest.

I may or may not have developed a slight gambling problem. Okay no, it’s not that bad and I’m blowing things out of proportion. What I have developed in reality, is a terrible mindset when it comes to money that has somehow become directly intertwined with my mental health and emotional state.

I think it started when I got hit with the tax return thingy; instead of getting a nice return like I was hoping for, I instead had to pay back a pretty large amount that hurt my soul. Since then, I’ve just been stuck in this financial rut that I can’t seem to break out of. I never seem to have enough money and I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck since this summer.

I’ve been struggling to have faith and trust this process, and breakout of this lack mindset. The universe does keep pulling through and helping me out every single time though, on the bright side. But when I don’t have money, I’m constantly worried and anxious and I can’t stop thinking about how I can get some more.

I think I need to rewire my perceptions when it comes to money. I somehow got into the “hustle” mentality, a mentality that I’ve never had before. I think a hustle mentality is something that is rooted in lack or never having enough, to a certain extent. At least, it is when you’re hustling and actually getting money but you still feel like it’s not enough and you’re never happy with what you had in the first place. And once upon a time, I was perfectly happy. I had more than enough. In fact, I still do. But that feeling and the gratitude that follows as a result has become a distant memory to me.

I’ve never really been good with my money, honestly. I’ve been struggling with it for quite some time. Not even like, the having “enough” of it per se – but like when I do have it, I can’t seem to hold onto it. I spend too recklessly and thoughtlessly, I don’t save, and I don’t budget well. Which is strange, because my mom is like the epitome of smart money management. She’s also quite frugal though, so. I don’t know.

I definitely want to be generous and I genuinely wish I could be to the extent that I imagine in my head. Sometimes I picture winning the lottery and the first thing I’d do is write everyone I love a big fat cheque and tell them to live their lives as they see fit and not worry anymore. I honestly wish.

But I think it’s time I start taking better care of myself in that way. I need a better voice in my head that stops to ask me, “do I really need this? Do I really need to spend money this way?” Obviously I would like to continue living my life the way I do. I don’t want to second guess buying a cup of coffee for myself or someone, nor do I want to stop doing the things I love to do such as travel. But I don’t need to spend $80 bucks weekly on an online gambling site hoping I’ll make a couple hundred bucks, only to lose it all and proceed to hate myself and feel anxious and low. I don’t need that. That is a direct counteraction to my self-love and self-compassion.

It’s so hard because I actually do enjoy it, in moderation. Like when I go on my Niagara trips with the girls. But lately, moderation has flown out the window in the face of my desperation and fear. I don’t think I should let myself play unless I’m genuinely willing to stick to a limit and unless I can learn to detach my mental/emotional mind state from whether I win or lose. If I’m playing only to win, it’s not going to end well.

You’d think spending my entire life growing up with a gambling addict for a father, I’d learn a thing or two. But eh. I guess I had to learn for myself.

Other than that, things have been pretty good. I’m really trying my best to take care of myself by taking my vitamins and eating as healthy as I can (when I have an appetite, as my ADHD medication suppresses it pretty badly). I’m trying to make time for myself and prioritize what I know is important to me, trying to take accountability in the aspects of my life where I know I should.

I haven’t really been making time for my self-love and happiness though. I haven’t done anything lately for me that makes me happy. I try to spend time with others where I can and yes that does make me happy, but I don’t remember the last time I just had a day to myself, all alone, just doing whatever the hell I wanted to with no obligations looming in the back of my mind. I’m hoping that I will be able to during my Mexico trip with the girls, just take some moments to reflect and touch base with myself again. Travel is always good for that.

Well, it’s getting late and I have to wake up early tomorrow to shower and get ready for work. I’ve deleted Uber off of my phone because that’s yet another bad habit that I’ve developed, and I’d like to return to taking the bus now. It’s really not that bad.

So, off to dreamland I go! It was so nice catching up with myself. I’m hoping that I’ll find a moment to write again soon and I definitely want to make note of all the wonderful things that I’m going to experience during my trips.

Until next time! Love always, always,

Me.

Day 263 to 274 – September 20th to October 1st, 2019

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE BEST MONTH IN THIS YEAR!!!!!! It is officially October 1st, and I couldn’t be happier that it is finally my favourite month. Although, I also cannot believe that it’s the first day of October because man this year has flown by.

I am in dire need of some talking to myself. I am in quite the predicament, and I need some advice from none other than – me. LOL.

Alright, here we go…

Hello!! How’s it going?

Well, I was as honest as I possibly could be with Leila. In attempt to not hurt her by being distant with her (which I already was so I already did), I also ended up hurting her with my honesty so… mission not accomplished there. I told her that I didn’t feel like our friendship currently was eclipsing our old relationship with one another, and that I wanted to make sure that we were still what we needed from each other. But I also mentioned how I tend to just disappear from people’s lives when I feel as though I’ve “served my purpose”. I didn’t really mean that that was what was happening with us per se. Either way, that’s how she ended up construing it, and I don’t blame her.

Anyways, she ended up sending this really long message to me about how much my message hurt her, and how she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a friendship where I was “wavering”, unsure about being friends with her, and how she couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t be distant in the future despite claiming that I wanted to make things work with her.

It literally sounds like we’re breaking up, I just re-read the message again and man. I feel so sorry, and sad for her. I really didn’t mean to hurt her this badly.

I don’t understand why I do this. I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to maintain a friendship longer than a certain phase in my life. Literally, I have no friends from elementary school, or high school, and now it seems like I have none from university, save for the very few people I’ve managed to reconnect with.

Why do I suddenly irreversibly drift away from 99% of people in my life when my life starts to shift into a different chapter? Why am I suddenly unable to maintain a connection with anyone in my life when it seems like that current chapter has come to its close?

Why is it so easy for me to do it too? Is it denial? Am I not thinking about the pain that I cause people when I do this? (If they do experience pain, I don’t know that for sure honestly). I am literally the epitome of the word “ghosting”. I ghost people in my friendships. Friendship-ghosting. It me.

Is it really that I feel I’ve served a purpose? Is it because the part of my identity that was involved in the friendship no longer exists as I change and grow as a person, ergo the friendship dies too?

She mentioned how I’ve done it to Radha, Chloe, Avery, all the Calumet girls, and how she never thought I’d do it to her. But she’s right, I’ve done it to all of those people. It genuinely felt natural at the time. No one seemed to make a fuss about it (not that I’d want anyone to). It just felt like that’s how things had to be, and I’ve never once looked back. I genuinely do not miss a single one of those people (minus reconnecting with Radha), but I do wish every single one of them well because there was a point in my life I cared about them deeply.

I literally cannot imagine hanging out with anyone again (or the old versions of their selves that I remember). I don’t know how any of them may have changed or if they have or who they’ve become, but I don’t care to find out unless the Universe has some reason for us to cross paths once more.

These days, I feel like I barely have the time or energy to keep up with myself and I haven’t even begun to feel as guilty as I should about that. So then I feel extra guilty when I think about all the people I’m failing to connect with as a result of that shortage of time. But rather than allowing myself to feel guilty, I just distance myself because it’s easier.

It seems like recently this has all started since I accepted my promotion to coordinator. As much as I’ve tried to establish my boundaries, I somehow ended up widening the boundaries just enough to allow so much more than I was initially willing to take on. And I know how I am with things, I’m no good at multi-tasking at this position has taken up so much of my focus for the past 7 months of my life.

Holy crap.

Literally, everything went downhill after I accepted that position. Actually no, scratch all that. I can’t blame the position because I’m the one who chose to care as much as I did about having that position. I’m the one who ended up putting as much as I did into it.

And, it’s not too late and it’s not like I’m stuck either. I now have full control over making the schedule. I can give myself just as many hours as I’d like, instead of choosing to be there more than I should. I’m the one who controls my availability, and I’m the one who’s been failing to bargain on my behalf. I’ve been catering to this job because I’m the one who has prioritized it. And I’m saying this all as gently as I can.

I haven’t made any time for myself these past months, I really haven’t. Save for escaping to the Bahamas for that short little while (which was a wonderful trip).

Okay, I’m going off on a tangent of another matter that I have to discuss, but back to the real topic of my friendships.

I don’t really know what to tell her. I just wish I had a better explanation to give her as to why I do what I do. I wish I understood better myself. It’s not personal to anyone. I just do what feels natural to me, and I have no idea why it does feel as natural as it does.

It just feels like sometimes, it gets to a point where all I have in common with someone is the past. But we don’t live there anymore, and I don’t know how to relate to those same people in a present tense. It’s almost as though I haven’t learnt to explore my relationships in what they are as opposed to what they once were.

Adult relationships are hard.

I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I think we’ve had this conversation before and that I’ve been like this before with her too. I can’t keep promising her stuff if I’m just going to keep doing this because I don’t have enough time or don’t prioritize her enough. It’s honestly not fair to her at all to keep building her hopes up about us, just to have me fall into my old habits.

Ten years down the road from now when I see pictures of Cory and Leila married, or her having her first kid, am I going to regret all of this and wonder how she’s doing?

She pointed out that we’ve been friends for 8 years now, and I can’t believe that I failed to take that in. It doesn’t feel that way, but she’s one of the longest friendships I’ve had in my life. We’ve known each other since we were 17/18.

Even if I did want to stay friends with her, I have to acknowledge that I’ve done some pretty irreversible damage these past couple months and in the span of these last days. I don’t know that she’ll learn to trust me again, or that she wants to maintain a friendship with someone who second-guessed everything, and honestly I don’t blame her.

We do have fun together. I liked that when we hung out, we could go out and do stuff, but also be lazy at home together too.

If I genuinely want to stay friends with Leila, it’s going to take some real and genuine effort on my part to re-establish her trust in me, and to make sure she doesn’t harbour any lasting resentments towards me that turns into passive-aggressive behaviour down the line. I can’t even count on that because I know how she can be. She has a very long memory, and she does not forget things easily. (i.e. going on a trip to Cuba without her years ago which she still brings up to this day).

I’m going to ask myself something and I want me to be as brutally honest as humanly possible, okay?

Alright, hit me.

Do you want to stay friends with Leila?

Yes.

Why?

Does she challenge you? Does she inspire you to grow? Does she offer you insight you may not have had before? Is it easy to talk to her about yourself? Does she try to ask about you? Do you genuinely connect? Does it feel easy to be around her? Does she make you happy?

Yes, in her honesty. She’s always usually encouraged me before. She does give good advice when I need it, especially in the past. Usually, but I make it hard on myself to talk about myself to anyone though. She does ask about me, but it always feels a little tentative (could be because of the answer to the last question). The last couple times it doesn’t feel completely genuine, but that could be because of the walls either or both of us have up. It did feel easy to be around her though.

I’m actually really happy she said everything she did, because I was waiting for it. That’s exactly what I was expecting and hoping for because I wanted her to get everything out. Even if things don’t work out for us, at least she’ll have said everything she needed to say.

I appreciate how much she fought to stay in my life, how much she fought for our friendship. I wish I could have done things differently.

I guess the most I can do right now is honour the space that she’s asked for. Apologize for hurting her, and try to explain what I really meant as gently and compassionately as I can. Explain that she’s a wonderful human being with a massive heart and that whatever I did or the decisions I made regarding our friendship had nothing to do with her as a person and everything to do with habits that I’m trying to outgrow and that I’m sorry that her feelings became a casualty of those habits.

Maybe some time tomorrow, I’ll sit down with myself and try to understand why over the course of my life, I’ve had countless “best friends” and no one to show for it now.

I’ve also got a lot to do for myself tomorrow. These next 3 days, I get my shit in order with school. I have to finish that petition letter. I have to email Nadia, I have to find the rest of my petition and figure out whatever other paperwork I may need. I won’t have any other time than these 3 days. So I’m waking up early as I can, popping some of that Adderall, and getting down to business. Here’s hoping things go as planned.

Man I’ve missed this.

Love you, me. Keep your head up and keep on ploughing through on this road that we call life. There are no wrong turns.

Love always,

Me.

Day 261 + 262 – September 18th & 19th, 2019

Hello! Okay so I didn’t get a chance to come home and write last log, but for good reason – I went to the gym pretty late and by the time I got back, I was pretty exhausted. But on the bright side, at least I’m keeping up with that habit as much as I can. I genuinely do feel the difference and I am getting to a point where if I don’t go for a while, I can feel my body begging me to work out, which is great.

I honestly can’t believe how busy this month has been. But, I did find a chance to escape for a little bit yesterday when I went to Niagara with the girls. It was honestly such a nice trip; my first time at a proper spa, where we were able to use their pool, sauna and other amenities after receiving our various treatments. I got a sugar-honey body polish scrub, and lord was it ever luxurious. My body felt like silk for hours afterwards with the argan oil that remained in my skin.

I’m home now, and it feels so nice to have what feels like the first proper day off that I’ve had in a very long time. Which is strange, because I do get days off, but I think I always end up having plans that involve leaving my house, which is why it never actually feels like a day off. I can’t remember the last time I spent a full 24 hours in my household, LOL.

Day 247 to 260 – September 4th to September 17th, 2019

Hello! I don’t have much time to write this log, but I do want to write up a little something quick seeing as I haven’t written at all this month.

It’s been a super busy month. It’s officially Christmas season, which means I’m taking on a bit more hours and a bit more responsibility. I’m not complaining though because I like that I’m keeping so busy and I’m doing well it. One thing I do rue is the fact that I haven’t had any time whatsoever to get my petition together unfortunately. But, I have been working out pretty consistently and I can feel it in my body, which makes me happy. I know my meditation needs some work, but I think I need to find what technique works best for me so I have something to work towards (as go-with-the-flow as possible though, I’m not trying to force anything when it comes to meditating).

I feel like I don’t have a lot of time lately because of how much work I’ve taken on and how many commitments I’ve got going (mostly just plans with everyone from the work girls to my friends to Adrian). Between my social life and my work life, I haven’t had too much time for me (other than finding time to work out here and there and some evenings to myself, which feel rare).

And with that, I must bid this adieu! I have to get ready for work. Tonight after work I’m going to come home and hopefully finish this before I head off to the gym to get in a sesh.

Be back soon!