Day 21 & 22 – January 21st + 22nd, 2019

Whoops, I forgot to write yesterday too! I knew I was forgetting something. Awell!

Yesterday was absolutely amazing. The girls and I went to a salt cave spa and just indulged ourselves with relaxation and rest. I did an infrared sauna session that warmed me to my core and released toxins, and then we all did the salt cave together.

The salt cave is exactly what you think it is – a cave comprised solely of Himalayan pink salt bricks, with a layers upon layers of smaller salt crystals bedecking the floor. They even pump salt-infused humidified air into the cave in order to clear your sinuses and respiratory system! It was a grounding and rejuvenating experience and I’m glad I got to experience it with some of my favourite people.

Later on in the evening, we had a wonderful dinner together with this incredible spread of tapas and other appetizers and bite-sized morsels. It was literally a spread from my dreams, anyone who knows me well enough knows that I freakin’ love finger foods and bites.

We had such an incredible time together just laughing and talking about everything and anything – and it felt so nice to have the group all back together after a year of estrangement.

I’m glad we’ve all decided to let bygones be bygones. Life’s too short!

There’s something I kind of wanted to discuss with myself here as honestly as humanly possible with the utmost clarity I can muster. I must reiterate to myself though: just because it’s on my mind, does not mean it has power over me. By writing about it here, I am choosing to let it go afterwards and I will not entertain any further thoughts of it or give any more energy to it after this.

So during my last shift at work, Luna told me she had something… interesting to tell me. She told me that Sera had sent her a video that Dylan told her to tell Luna to show to me (if that makes any sense at all).

Okay basically, Dylan took Sera to a little cove in Hawaii where the waters were crystal blue and sparking – my favourite place in Hawaii. He told her it was my favourite place, and there they saw some sea turtles. In fact, it was Dylan’s first time seeing sea turtles and he got to swim with them too.

I’d already seen the video myself on his Instagram and I couldn’t help but comment and say how amazing it was; but I’d left it at that. I hadn’t realized that he’d seen them in my favourite place.

Luna, with that sly trouble-making smile of hers, casually mentioned how “interesting” it was that Dylan had taken Sera there, and wondered aloud what it meant that he was thinking of me there.

I brushed it off with a shrug and walked away, but you know, I couldn’t help but wonder either.

So, rationally – it could mean nothing. Maybe that’s his new favourite place there too. Maybe it had nothing to do with me, even if he did mention to Sera it was my favourite place and even though she told Luna to show me that video.

Bottom line: regardless OF whatever it means – I’m with Adrian, and happily so. It doesn’t matter what it does or doesn’t mean. I’ve made my choices and Dylan’s made his. Now, all that’s left and all I want is our friendship, genuinely.

I went on break with Sola shortly after and I told her about what Luna told me. What I love about Sola (amidst her wonderful humour and massive heart) is that she’s always always 110% honest with me, completely. And it’s never ever in a judgemental, condescending way where she acts like she knows more or better than I do – she’s always warm like sunshine and sincerely genuine. She’s kind of like the older sister I’ve never had, but she honestly seems closer to me in age (and looks it too). She’s lived long enough to know stuff and has experienced so much in life; so, I trust her opinion.

Anyways, she thinks that he and I won’t be able to be friends – that when you have feelings for someone, they’re always a part of you. I agree with the latter to a certain extent; I believe you have a choice on letting those feelings become a part of who you once were and eclipsing a new relationship with the old ways you once related to that person.

He suggested that we hang out once we get back (which, who knows if that’ll actually happen tbh knowing him), but say he does make that effort and it does end up happening. I trust myself enough to be completely honest with me – if there’s even the slightest inkling of feelings beyond friendship on my part (nervousness, butterflies, any of that) then I step back and let things be. It’s been over a year since all of that though, and I’ve stepped into my relationship with Adrian wholly, with all of my heart. We’ll see what the truth of the matter is when/if I’m actually in that situation, but I know what I know and I feel what I feel. I trust myself.

And if Sola is right and the fact that he did bring Sera there means more than just simple friendship in any way, shape or form, I’ll know, and take the necessary measures to step back.

I really do want to just be friends and I’m hoping we can do just that, regardless of what’s happened and what I’ve said and felt towards him. He was a good friend to me first and foremost before anything else happened, and I want to keep that friendship if we can. We’ll see how it goes though.

Olivia asked me if seeing his posts on Instagram or anything like that made my heart skip a beat or react in any way, and honestly? No, not anymore. I’m so completely head over heels for Adrian – he’s everything I could have ever wanted for myself, if not more. I told Sola that it feels like I’ve been searching for him in everyone I’ve ever loved or been with and that I’ve finally found him, and she teared up and got emotional LMAO. It truly feels that way though. He’s all the best pieces and parts of everyone I’ve ever fallen for, and so much more than that in who he is as a person and what he brings to the table that is our relationship.

I’m happy. And that’s that.

That’s all for today I believe! Also – Adrian and I finally booked our ticket to New Orleans, YAYYYYYYYYY!! It’s official baby, we’re going to NOLA in exactly 24 days!!!! Ahhhhhhhh I’m so excited, I can’t waitttttt! My travel bug is itching like crazy, I need this so bad.

I’ll find some time to write tomorrow, I promise! I know yesterday was technically the “21 day mark” of forming my new habits, but clearly I still need some work on my discipline. The meditation and skin care routine is going well though!!!

Take the wins where you can, right?

Love always,

Me.

Day 18, 19 & 20 – January 18th, 19th + 20th, 2019

Hello! So it’s kinda late and I know I missed a couple logs this weekend, and I didn’t want to go to bed without banging out a real quick one.

This weekend has been so much fun!!! Friday I spent the night with Adrian at a hotel, and Saturday night was Anne’s birthday which turned into a spontaneous night out to Dave N’ Busters!! Olivia and I ended up crashing at Anne’s and we just got home today.

I have lots to write – Adrian and I had a wonderful time together and I definitely want to make a mental note about the lady who commented on us in the elevator, and I definitely want to talk about the fun shenanigans we all got up to last night. All in due time!

Tomorrow is going to be equally amazing because I’m actually going to the spa with my girls from work!! It’s this really nice place that has a salt cave and sauna and they offer massages and facials and what not. I can’t wait to relax and detox with some of my favourite ladies, it’s going to be so much fun!

I’m sure I’ll find a moment to catch up and write some time tomorrow, but for now I’m going to bring this to a close, meditate and get some rest.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 17 – January 17th, 2019

Yet another ordeal today, LMFAO. But honestly, it hasn’t been a bad week or anything like that. Just, interesting I suppose!

Let’s see… well, I started off my day by going to get my chest x-ray done and it took all of 2 seconds before I was out the door again! It was actually so quick. I’m hoping they’ve already sent the results to my doctor because I’m seeing her tomorrow morning and if I can kill two birds with one stone and get the results for both my X-ray AND my TB test, that would be swell. But we’ll see!

On the bright side, I’ve been feeling pretty great! Every day I drink a shot of lemon and ginger, and I also juice a whole bunch of superfoods like kale, spinach, ginger, lemon, oranges, apples and more, and I drink that! So the chills-feeling has been less and less.

After my x-ray, I headed home to chill for a bit before heading off to my late night class.

It was a good class, but for some reason I had the urge to leave a little bit earlier than I normally do. So I dallied for a bit while she wrapped up a YouTube video, and then I crept out. I went to the washroom (so I didn’t have to rush into my house with my pants around my ankles and shoes still on at bladder Defcon 1) and then headed out towards the subway.

As I was approaching the subway, I vaguely noticed a girl sitting on a bench and a guy sitting awfully close next to her. Within split seconds, the girl was running in my direction and past me, and the guy was following. Only, he stopped right in front of me.

Well – turns out it was a drunk and high off his ass belligerent dude who was clearly not altogether. He wouldn’t let me pass him no matter which direction I tried to cut around him, and he kept saying he wasn’t going to attack me. Finally I stopped trying to dance around him, and backed away slowly.

But then, he kept coming close to me as I backed away so I decided to stand my ground and firmly asked him to stop coming towards me, and you know what? The dude actually listened for like 2 seconds before he started coming towards me again.

He started telling me that he was high and drunk and all he needed was someone to sit next to him for a little while. But then he reached out and touched me. In fact, he pushed me a little, and that’s when I started to go into my weird freeze-panic mode.

Thankfully, a stranger had been watching the whole exchange and when he saw the drunk guy push me, the stranger rushed over and intervened. He asked the drunk guy what he was doing, to leave me alone, and that he shouldn’t be acting that way towards me.

But then, the drunk dude started harassing that poor stranger – the stranger kept trying to walk away calmly but the drunk guy was getting in his face and yelling at him that he wasn’t planning on attacking me. It was almost as though the drunk guy was deliberately trying to provoke anyone into fighting him, for some reason.

I didn’t want to walk off and leave the stranger alone with this drunk guy, so I quietly mouthed “thank you” to the friendly stranger and motioned to him covertly that I was calling campus security.

Only then, the drunk guy realized what I was doing and rushed back over to me but I kept darting away as I waited for security to pick up. A nearby TTC worker started to intervene as well at this point, yelling at the drunk guy to walk off and leave everyone alone.

I finally got a hold of security and told them (as calmly as I could) about the drunk guy being belligerent and harassing everyone in the vicinity of the entrance to the subway, and how he’d pushed me and was now harassing someone else.

They were really efficient – they got a camera on him right away, asked me for a detailed description which I provided as well as I could (at this point, the drunk dude had walked away and was heading into campus where there were plenty of other students – no bueno) and they asked me if I was okay.

Honestly, I was mad shook but it wasn’t like anything worse had happened so I said I was okay and headed into the subway, and that was that.

I tried to find the guy who had helped me but he’d disappeared. I’m so thankful he intervened – there really are kind people out there still and that warms my heart.

I headed home, pumped up on adrenaline that was coursing through my body. I’m pretty sure my face on the bus ride home was like O.O the entire way LMFAO.

I’m very, very, very thankful that nothing worse happened. Thank god he didn’t have a weapon and that he wasn’t more aggressive than he was being. I’ve been taking night classes this year and so far, this is the worst thing that’s happened and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could be, so I’m really happy about that. I’m definitely going to be careful and be more conscientious about how I keep myself safe and aware.

Once I got home, I honestly just sat in silence for a couple hours until the adrenaline worked its way out of my system, and now I finally feel like I can sleep. You know what’s weird?

I’m not sure if I was scared. Adrenaline is different than feeling fear. I wasn’t afraid of him per se, but I did freeze. It’s such a strange reaction I have in situations like that eh? Instead of flight or fight, I freeze instead. Everything slows down and gets weirdly clear. Like I can see in my head my thought process and how I was trying to get ahold of security. I didn’t panic, but afterwards when it all subsided, I was little shaky.

We’re such interesting creatures, human beings. And coincidentally enough, we were just talking about reactions due to fear and anxiety in the class I had just been in.

I started off this week thinking and fearing the worst. I let myself get in my head and drown in my personal narrative. I got attached to the outcome and let my doubts get the best of me. I can’t help but wonder if the energy my thoughts and emotions created had anything to do with what I went through this week. Do we really have that much of a hand in shaping our reality, or does that belief create a dangerous hubris?

I can’t help but wonder. I marvelled at how everything unfolded too – had I decided to not go to the washroom, had I chosen to stay in class the whole way, things would have been completely different. It’s quite amazing to me to see how the smallest decisions and the fraction of seconds even could change the course of your life completely.

And I’m not thinking that ^ in a “I wish that hadn’t happened to me” kind of way, moreso in an “awe of the universe and life” kind of way. I’m humbled and thankful that I’m all good and I’ll probably hopefully forget this (but not what it taught me) and keep going on with life.

This experience taught me that literally anything can happen in life within seconds. Everything you know about your reality can be thrown out the window in a mere moment. Life is fleeting and always changing and growing and sometimes, can be short.

This whole week taught me to stay grateful. To be thankful. I’ve taken my health for granted for so long that only now when it’s in question, am I really appreciating it. And now even still – I’m thankful it’s not as bad as it could be! Because it could always be so much more worse, but it’s not.

I’m grateful that I can let myself cry in a bus-full of strangers and be okay with that because I know that I need to. I’m grateful for kind strangers with good hearts who act on impulse. I’m grateful for small mercies from the universe, and the constant reminders to stay humble and remember how fragile this existence is – and to live accordingly. Not in fear, but in gratitude, in colour, in the fullest, in the liveliest of ways.

It’s been a heck of a week but you know what? I’ve been asking the Universe to keep teaching me, and that’s exactly what it’s been doing. I keep searching for wisdom in books or in people, but sometimes the best lessons come from the most unexpected ways.

So, I’m thankful for this week too.

Anyways, that’s about all for tonight! Tomorrow morning I see my doctor, and later on I’m meeting Adrian – he got us a hotel for the night so that we can spend some quality time together, which was very sweet. I can’t wait to unwind and just relax.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance!!

Thank you Universe, for both protecting me and teaching me.

Love always,

Me.

Day 16 – January 16th, 2019

I had quite the ordeal today! BUT, on the bright side it turned out to be a good day after all.

So this morning as I was getting ready, my train of thought ran off course before I could do anything to bring it back – I started worrying about my health, my seeming lack of control over it, picturing the worst, and ultimately just feeling… helpless.

I managed to get the train of thought back on course for the most part but the damage had been done, the spark ignited the forest and everything went up in flames – while I was on the bus to school, LMAO. I literally broke down crying, pulled my hood over my eyes and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I did so, le sigh. It was actually kind of funny, I was lowkey amazed that I couldn’t stop myself from holding it together! It’s been a while, but then, it’s been a while, so it made sense (unlike this sentence).

Coincidentally, once I’d managed to pull myself together and get myself to class, Adrian messaged and asked if we could hang out today. He even asked to come down to my ends since I’d been making my way over to his a lot as of late, which was sweet. And quite literally perfect timing, I just wanted a hug at this point LOOOL.

I got through class, went to my academic appointment (which went really well! So far, everything seems to be on track school-wise and I know what I have to do to stay on track. Proud of myself!) and then stopped by the grocery store on the way home to grab some stuff so I could cook dinner for us.

I made mussels with my secret recipe, and my mom and I collaborated and made some roast garlic-seasoned potatoes and yams, blackened shrimp and a Caesar salad on the side.

It was a nice dinner! We all together to eat, my mom had a ton of wine (LOL) and Adrian took it all in stride, thankfully.

It was so nice to see him. As much as I don’t like asking for help or leaning on anyone, I forgot how nice it feels to actually lean on someone (like, literally). He kinda just held me for a little while and it felt so good, it made my heart feel full.

One month from today, and we’re leaving to New Orleans together!!!!!! I’m so excited to travel with him. I know we’re going to be okay. Better than okay – we’re going to have an amazing and fun time together, and I can’t wait!

Anyways, that’s about all for today. Tomorrow I have to somehow wake up early and get a chest x-ray done before I head to class in the evening. I already feel like I’m going to need a nap, is that weird? Like I just feel it.

As for my whole break down this morning – I’m glad it happened, I immediately felt relief as I was crying. I don’t think I let myself feel or think too much about this situation in general as to not give power to it and to not manifest anything I don’t want, but in doing that I was also avoiding how I felt about it, which is… scared. I’m scared, somewhere deep down. Not because I don’t know I’m okay, I do know that. I know everything’s going to be fine.

I’m scared because of the uncertainty. I really don’t like not knowing what’s going on or what I can do to help myself on exact terms. I’ve spent the past two years of my life regaining stability in my emotional and mental health and I’ve even managed to learn how to take care of myself physically to some extent. So to have this feel out of my grasp, it’s scary. But I know I’m going to be, and am, just fine. I’m okay.

It’s a nice reminder from the universe that I’m not superhuman and my train of thought can absolutely get derailed from time to time. I’m humbled and happy.

Well, time for some shut-eye before tomorrow! Until then!

Love love always,

Me.

Day 15 – January 15th, 2019

Hello!

Everything went well with my doctor’s appointment, basically more of the same “it’s a mystery but let’s do all sorts of tests to rule out what it’s not”. I have to do a chest X-ray, and I just got yet another needle in my arm for a TB test (sidenote – TB?!?! What the fuck?! But I mean like I’m not coughing up a lung or anything like that so may as well rule it out I guess).

I’m starting to get a little frustrated. I’ve never had to deal with my health for this long before (minus my brief stint in the hospital for that stupid UTI/kidney thing) and I honestly feel fine (minus the recent pains and whatnot).

But like, come on man. I take care of myself well enough don’t I? Sigh.

I guess I’m just a little bit more irritated today than I usually am with this because Adrian and I were on the phone and about to book our ticket to New Orleans and I was in the midst of telling him about my doctor’s appointment when he suddenly asked if I knew that I was okay to fly.

I was caught off guard and I admitted I hadn’t asked that and before I could say anything else, he said he wouldn’t book the ticket until we knew that for sure, once again taking this trip from out of my grasp when it’s SO. CLOSE.

So, maybe it’s not just my health that has me fidgety. For the past 2 years of my travels, I’ve never really had to depend on anyone else – whenever Luna and Lana suggested we go somewhere it would be because they was ready to book at the drop of a hat, and that’s how I am too. Even travelling with my mom and my sister – I’d be the one to pull that trigger and I got no hesitation from either one of them. Travelling by myself allowed me the luxury of completely planning my trip for me, by me.

I’m not used to this hemming and hawing when it comes to my travels. I know how volatile the flight world is (speaking of, as soon as we hung up the flight jumped up in a price $25 bucks, ugh) and I always act on impulse and it hasn’t failed me yet. I travel on faith, on intuition, and each and every time has worked out amazingly well for me.

So I guess it’s a foreign concept to me to be… thorough, I suppose. It’s disconcerting to my “go-with-the-flow, impulsive, sporadic” nature. I don’t hesitate. That’s not me.

I know he means well, and I know if we’re gonna travel together I’m going to have to compromise. If he’s more of a by-the-book, thorough, rational person when it comes to travel, I’m going to have to learn how to work with/around that (to some extent).

WE WERE SO CLOSE TO BOOKING THOUGH DAMMIT.

I also wonder why he’s hesitating so much. Like we went from waiting a week to book, to now potentially waiting another week. And tomorrow marks a month until we’d leave so we’re cutting it pretty close. Am I projecting, or is he hesitating for other reasons? I get travelling with someone else is a big step. You get to know that person in ways you don’t on a regular basis.

Since I don’t know any of that for sure though, there’s no point in dwelling or creating situations that don’t exist in my head. So I’m nixing that train of thought immediately.

Bottom line is, I’m calling the clinic as early as I can tomorrow to get that green light. I don’t give a flying fuck what the price is, we’re booking tomorrow and that’s that.

LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO HESITATE!!!!!! TO HOLD BACK, TO DILLY-DALLY, TO WAIT!!!!

I won’t live that way. Lord knows my impulsivity has gotten me into various situations but man, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those lessons learnt or experiences gained.

Anyways, I really hope this whole health thing sorts itself out soon enough. I’ve come to terms with the uncertainty and I’m curious to know what it may be but I’m not down to change the way I live my life to accomodate any of this. It has got to go, like boy byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I have my academic appointment tomorrow to make sure everything’s up to speed, and class before that. Thursday I’m going to do my X-ray (back to the hospital I go) and Friday I get my results for the TB test, which means by then she’ll let us know which direction we’re proceeding in (in terms of what further testing we’re going to do).

I’m just going to keep imagining that these babies are going down and disappearing and manifest that into my reality. My faith and my trust in the process has never failed me before, so I’m going to keep going on that note.

I’ll write tomorrow once all the hubbub of my day subsides. Until then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 14 – January 14th, 2019

Hello, hello!

I had a wonderful day today – I sat for a little while wondering what one does with a whole day filled with nothing, and then I started doing all the things! I did my eyebrows, a face mask, cleaned out my cupboard, organized my week and my morning/night routine, did some light housework and still managed to fit some episodes of Community in!

All in all, quite productive and restful. Tomorrow I have my doctor’s appointment (FINALLY) and on the bright side, my nodes aren’t hurting as much today!!! I was actually able to sleep through the night (and ended up having some seriously interesting and vivid dreams).

Speaking of these dreams – I was actually lucid dreaming to the point that I was so aware that I was in a dream that I started the people in my dream if THEY knew they were in MY dream. Some weird inception shit, I know!

But, I have a theory. I think I talked about this in one of my logs recently actually, but in regards to the Law of Attraction. My meditation – I’ve been meditating for the past two weeks now and I’ve been noticing some very distinct differences, just after two weeks!!! All the quick manifestations, the vivid lucid dreams – I’m also much calmer, happier and experience less anxiety and worry, which is ultimately what I wanted most.

It really does change things when consistently maintained. 21 days to build that habit but I’m excited for the 90 day point to see that difference.

Anyways, that’s all for today! I’ll write tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment… wish me luck?

Love always,

Me.

Day 13 – January 13th, 2019

OHAI

You know, one thing that was quite handy about writing every week or so was that I would have more to write about – and not just to catch up but because I had more feelings and thoughts on such things, you know?

Down side of that though, is that I tend to forget the things that happened and the thoughts and feelings I had on those things fly right out the window with them.

Last night, I got really high and watched that new Black Mirror interactive movie, Bandersnatch? Yeah, bad idea to do it right before I went to bed and possibly not the best idea to do it high either – my dreams were so vivid they HAD OPTIONS. Like no joke, there would be options at the bottom of my dream.. screen? And I kept reliving the movie IN MY DREAMS trying to work it out!

But, I also kept tossing and turning because the goddamn pain in my neck, lord. It’s just mad uncomfortable you know? And I’m not trying to pop painkillers on a daily basis either, but I have been trying other natural (and “herb”al) remedies which have been helping in the meanwhile.

This week, I’m off from work until Saturday!!! Party over here, whoop whoo- JUST FUCKING KIDDING, you best bet I’m going to be resting at home in silence this week LMFAO.

I’m going to manifest that, whatever does end up happening with these nodes (visualizing that they’re going away being the number one thing of course), that I get to do it in a way that doesn’t interfere with my travel plans.

Yeah I know, health comes first without health we have nothing YES. But travel… travel over everything. KIDDING. Maybe. Just a little.

Either way, I know that everything’s going to be fine. This pain is probably a sign that it’s time for these bad boys to start disappearing. I appreciate that they’ve been fighting off whatever the hell is wrong with me but, HELLO BODY I FEEL FINE I SWEAR. All is good under this hood.

So I’ve got school this week, I’ve got my doc appointment, I’ve got my academic advising appointment, and plenty of free time in the mean time so there will be plenty of logs headed your way (or my way, really).

I hope to make some good headway on my book because I really want to get cracking on something new! I can’t wait to see what lessons will find me this year.

Until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.