Day 161 to 169 – June 9th to 17th, 2020

Hooooo boy, do I have quite a bit to catch up on. It’s been about a week since I wrote last, and it’s been… a week. Unfortunately, we lost my cat. It was just his time. It was so heart-breakingly devastatingly sad, so, so, sad. It just felt so sudden, I guess. The only comfort was knowing that he wouldn’t be suffering anymore. It’s as though he decided things on his own terms, so that was good. 

But man. He was such a good boy. The best boy. It’s hard to think about sometimes, because it just hurts. We miss him alot. I miss him alot. I miss his kisses, his loud-ass purring, how he always came in the morning to meow and say hello and cuddle. I miss his feistiness, how unique his personality was, how much he absolutely loved us. He was the best cat ever. 

I hope he’s at peace, truly. I’m still waiting for a sign that he’s still with us, or that he’s moved on and found that peace. I just want to know he’s okay. I’m sure he is, but death is super mysterious. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t believe in… something, after death. After all, energy cannot be created nor destroyed, right? So, I just want to know where his energy went, or what it transmuted to. Maybe one day, he’ll come back as a human and say hello? Hehe. 

Le sigh. My little baby. I hope he lived as full a life as any cat could live. I hope he’s running free and wild in good boy heaven and chasing all the little birdies he can to his heart’s content. We loved him so, so, soooooo much. So much. I’m going to miss him for all time to come, for sure. 

It’s been rough since then, but we’ve been keeping busy with house renovations and all that. And it’s been nice to see people for the first time in what feels like forever; Sera, Marilyn and Luna came over for Daniella’s birthday and that helped to get my mind off of things for a while. And Adrian came and stayed the weekend with his cat here too, so it was nice to have some kitty comfort for a while as well. 

It’ll be nice to start doing stuff with people again. Today, Daniella and I went to go meet Marilyn and Sera for a really long walk in their beautiful nature-filled area, and we did about 8000 steps just talking and laughing. Afterwards, we went to Sera’s place (which is insanely stunning and so peaceful) and had a late breakfast. 

I mean, I knew that we were going there and that there was a chance that we would maybe run into Dylan, as he lives there, of course. But LOL. As we were coming back from the walk, he was just leaving his house, shirtless, for a run. Heh. 

Okay but seriously, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was actually so nice to catch up and talk. I do consider him to be a good friend too, so I’ve missed him. He’s always been super easy to talk to. We’re cool. We talk to each other about our respective significant others and all that. I think the girls and I be going on walks every so often, which means he and I will probably get to see each other a couple more times this summer maybe, which would be nice. 

Moving on – Radha messaged recently. It wasn’t to offer condolences, but to tell me she booked a “solo trip” at the end of this month and was using me as an excuse to her mom. She said she hoped the Universe was treating me well, and that was it. 

So, I told her about how my cat passed and how things have been rough, but I wished her well on her adventure and told her I hoped that she would find what she was looking for. 

She tried to call that day but… I don’t know. I didn’t pick up. I just, didn’t feel like talking about it.

And then early this morning, she sent a message about how she saw a black cat recently and thought of my cat, thought of us. She said she was so sorry to hear that, and that all happens for the best. Which, lowkey kind of irked me.

I messaged back to say that it was devastating, heart-breaking to lose a soul friend, a spirit animal the way my cat was to us for the past 14 years. I guess I kind of wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation – I know everything happens as its meant to, and I have faith in that. But that doesn’t mean that it hurt any less, that it was any less sad or heart-rending. 

I have conflicting feelings. In our friendship, we haven’t expected much from each other. We didn’t message each other frequently but the feeling was always the same regardless of how long we went without talking to each other. Maybe because of quarantine, things feel different, knowing that everyone is basically free, all the time, and not talking to someone is more of a choice than it is due to extenuating circumstances of day to day life. 

It also feels shitty, that she finally messaged me after all of these months, just to tell me she was using me as an excuse. I’m glad she’s doing inner work. But there was almost no sincerity or authenticity to her text message, no vulnerability. It didn’t feel… real. Almost as though she had to text me out of necessity so I was in on the plan, in case her mom called or contacted me. 

Not to mention, the cynical part of me is kind of wondering if the reason she’s fallen off the face of the earth is because she has in fact gotten back together with Kade, and she’s actually taking this trip with him, and using me as an excuse. I’ll never know, because at the end of the day, I’ll only know what she wants me to know. 

I guess, bottom line is, things don’t feel the same anymore. Could just be me on my end, but that’s not what my gut is saying. And regardless of whether or not it is, my feelings are valid. She needed space, that’s fair. She needed to ghost, I understand. But to message me just to tell me that she’s taking a trip for self-love and self-reflection, to not ask how I’m doing, to inform me she’s using me as an excuse? 

I was never really good with boundaries and I don’t set expectations on my friendships because they’ve always felt more like limitations for me. But a part of loving myself as deeply as I do means recognizing when I’m being taken advantage of or being taken for granted. And that’s how this feels to me. 

I’ll leave it be. I don’t care enough to have this conversation with her because, ultimately, I really do wish her well and hope she finds what she’s looking for. After these months, I feel indifferent now. I don’t miss her, I don’t miss our conversations, and I don’t miss her presence in my life. As of late, our friendship has not been serving for my growth, development or happiness. Maybe that feeling is mutual. I won’t know. I can’t assume to. All I know is how I feel, and what I’m left with. I have no idea what she’s been through these past couple months, or how she’s been doing, not really. 

Maybe if she calls again, I’ll pick up. We’ll see. But things just don’t feel the same anymore. If it’s mean to eclipse into something new, it will. I never close the door on anyone unless they give me a reason to. I just leave it all up to the Universe. Nothing is permanent. And whatever is meant to be, will be. 

At the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m happy with who’s in my life right here, right now. I’m happy in my present moments. I’m living my life to the fullest to the best of my ability within this time, within these days. I’m at peace. That’s what matters most to me. You never know what tomorrow holds. I just want to make sure that at the end of the day, when my head hits that pillow, it’s with a smile. 

I have to choose love. I want to strive towards love, every day, in every way. That means accepting this situation for what it is. I’m entitled to my other feelings, the sadness, the slight resentment and anger, because I’m human. But what I want is to transmute all of that into love, into light. Genuinely. 

So Radha. If you feel this. Girl. I have no clue what’s going on with you. But I genuinely do hope you’re happy. That you’re being truthful, with yourself. That’s what’s going to matter the most at the end of the day. Just living your best, most honest life. I hope that trip you’re taking does you good, be it on your own or with whomever else. Take care, I love you, sayonaraaaaaaa. 

Whatever is meant to be will be. 

This was a good log! Lot’s to write about. Summer is going well so far. The weather is beautiful, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going back to work any time soon. I definitely intend to make the most of this time, believe me. Plenty of sun and activity. 

I guess that’s all for today! Here’s to living a life full of love. Here’s to my cat, my baby, my wonderful soul friend, may he rest in peace. I miss you so much, buddy. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I really do. 

Oh and! I have to reiterate – it was SOOOO nice to see the girls today and be active. I felt good today for the first time in a long time, like… normal? What my “normal” feels like. I miss human interactions so much, LMAO. I’m thankful. I really am. Thank you Universe, for the wonderful people in my life.

Love always,

Me.

Day 160 – June 8th, 2020

Helloooooo. So, we’ve scheduled an appointment for my cat at 4:30 in the afternoon today. I had some time to think about it last night, and I think I’m a little less volatile about the state of things (aka I won’t burst into tears every time I think about him being sick or potentially leaving us). However, things may become all too real after we visit the vet, so we’ll see how it goes. This is going to be the first time I go by myself with a pet to the vet (hehe). I have to be as adult-y as I can be in order to be strong, to make sure the vet doesn’t try to rip me off, and has our best interests at heart. I’m relying on my gut and my intuition to lead the way. I trust that I’ll know what’s best for my baby and whether or not the vet is genuine. 

He seems to be a little bit better today though – apparently he ate a little and he’s not limping or sneezing as badly, thank goodness. Hopefully whatever he does have or whatever is truly ailing him is reversible. Like I said, I’m going to be as positive as humanly possible and hope for the best. 

I probably wouldn’t have written today, but I actually have something weighing on my mind that I’d like to talk about. 

It’s been awhile since Radha and I have properly spoken. I think the last time we actually had a full-on conversation was… holy shit, the beginning of April. It’s JUNE! What in the…. 

Sigh. It didn’t really bother me as much before because life is life and I understand that sometimes you need space or you want to do things on your own. I’ve had phases like that too. I don’t want to expect anything from anyone that I call a friend because I’ve learnt that relationships are usually best without confining expectations. But, there are some basic stuff that comprise relationships too that aren’t expectations per se, but… guidelines? Reasons why relationships work and thrive? 

Like, communication. Even if it’s infrequent – if it’s scattered yet sincere, then it’s all good. Or, reciprocated effort. Again, not needed on a constant basis, but an affirmation of reciprocity here and there should be a given, no? 

Maybe what I’m feeling is loneliness, which is new to me. Maybe because I was used to seeing my friends here and there as I pleased pre-quarantine, I never really experienced this feeling before. This feeling of lack of connection, a genuine “social distance”. I miss hanging out with people, getting into cool conversations about whatever, and just having a laugh and enjoying company. I’m so thankful that I have my family and our weekend get-togethers, I really am. I probably would have gone insane if not for them. But man. 

I miss going to VC to sesh with the crew, or smiling at strangers on the street or bus, I miss getting out and about and getting lost in my music on the train on my way to downtown. I’m extremely content with myself and my own company and usually crave my alone time quite easily. But as a creature of balance, I miss the side of the social scale that balanced out my lone solitude. And don’t get me started on my much my heart is aching over travel. God, I miss travelling. 

I hate that when I go out, I’m scared of people coming too close to me. It’s not even the person themselves; I fear getting sick and getting my family sick as a result. Le sigh. I don’t want to be the reason someone’s health get’s jeopardized. Someone in Adrian’s family didn’t realize they had it, saw their parents on Mother’s Day, and the father just recently passed away as a result of catching COVID19 from her. I know it’s not her fault, but can you imagine how she must feel? He did have a stint in his heart to begin with, but apparently he was a pretty healthy 79-year old. It only took 8 days for his condition to completely deteriorate. That’s scary, and it’s sad. 

Welp, this went on a vent tangent, LOL. 

Anyways, I’m still going to do my best to remain positive throughout all of this. I’m sure I’ll still be able to see my friends here and there throughout this summer, and we’ll all be careful about how we go about hanging out, I’m sure. 

As for the Radha situation – maybe I’ll reach out again soon, see how she’s doing. I do sincerely hope she’s doing well throughout this time, and that maybe she distanced herself in an attempt to be more independent and self-assured. Maybe she’s learning self-love on her own terms (as she should) and practicing it diligently. That’s all I could hope for, for her. 

I am sad that we don’t talk and haven’t been talking because I miss what our friendship was before Kade entered the picture. We were pretty healthy and on the same wavelength when it came to our positivity and overall outlook on life and spirituality. I know it’s important to question things, learn deeper and further. But I hope that whatever distance she created in her mind, she realizes and continues to remember that one way or another, we’re all one and no one is any further along or “better” than anyone else. We’re all just trying to do the best we can and make the most of our existence, collectively. 

Ah well. Such is life, eh? I just wanted to honour my feelings and bring them to light so that they feel seen, and eventually pass through. I must remember that I am blessed, and I have so much love in my life. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I can reach out to at any moment I need. I am not alone, and above and beyond anything, I am here for me. 

That’s about it for today! I shall go for a run now. I’ve been running pretty consistently for the past 3-4 weeks! My stamina is slowly but surely getting better. And, I’m starting to enjoy it and look forward to the runs as well. The ADHD medication helps me to overcome my own laziness or dread, thankfully. 

I’ll write again soon. And I’ll do a more thorough self check-in the next time I do. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 158 + 159 – June 6th & 7th, 2020

Sad news (because as per usual, when it rains, it pours). My cat isn’t doing too well. We’ve been noticing recently that he’s been losing weight, and we attributed it to him losing interest in his dry food because he was eating his wet food just fine. We got him a new brand of cat food that was holistic and organic, and he seemed to like that alot better. We’d also noticed he’d been drinking a lot of water lately, but it didn’t seem out of the ordinary. 

But now, it seems as though his health is suddenly deteriorating rapidly; over the weekend, he started vomiting, sneezing repetitively, his eyes are watering, he’s lethargic and he’s lost interest in his food altogether, both the dry food and the wet food he usually loves. We’re taking him to the vet early tomorrow morning. 

I’m nervous because when his brother was ill, the clinic took us for all we were worth (over five grand in medications and check-ups alone), and then told us that it was too late to do anything for him and that he was already too far gone. It’s hard when it comes to animals. You want to do everything you can for them, but then there are humans who know that full-well and seem to take advantage of that fact. Thankfully, we have a bit more experience with this now after everything we went through with his brother, and if we have to take my cat somewhere else for a second opinion, then we can do so. 

Le sigh. I hope he makes it through this. He’s going to be fourteen years old this year, which means he’s approximately around the same age as a 70-year old man. He’s lived a wonderfully long, love-filled life. So, no matter what happens, the most important thing at the end of the day is that we do not prolong his suffering, if he cannot be helped. If he can be, then we will do everything and anything it takes. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll try to be as positive as humanly possible about this as opposed to preparing for the worst. 

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’ll write when I have a chance soon! 

Stay positive, me. Have a light heart and be that sunny, uplifting person you are. Accept your feelings and let them pass through you – don’t hold onto pain or sadness. Feel it through, react as you must, and then let go. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

Love always and deeply, 

Me.

Day 157 – June 5th, 2020

Hello! So I’m at Adrian’s now, and I’m enjoying my time and space away from home for the time being (although I also kind of have a weird withdrawal because I’ve been home for longer than I ever have been, recently). 

I just deleted Twitter off of my phone, something I haven’t done… ever? Like I deactivated my Facebook and deleted it a long time ago no problem, and I deleted Instagram off my phone but re-download it a couple times a week out of curiosity and to answer messages for a couple moments before deleting it again. I’ve never deleted Twitter before. 

I just can’t right now man. I know there’s a movement going on, and I fully support it. But the things I’m seeing, the videos that are being posted, the brutality and violence, the blood, the words, the negativity and the pain… I can’t. It makes me anxious. I know I’m privileged, I know I can’t even begin to imagine the real pain that black people endure on a daily basis due to systemic racism, oppression and injustice. I know my discomfort is merely a symptom of my privilege. 

But man. I just can’t fathom the world this way. It hurts my easily-bruised, squishy tomato heart. I know I’m a sensitive baby. But like, this morning I read the last words George Floyd uttered before he died and my heart broke. It makes me feel helpless. I know they’re out there protesting and making a difference. Like, really making a difference. I know my helplessness is nothing compared to the built-up grief and anger black people must collectively be experiencing. 

I promise, with all of my heart, to be the best ally I can be. If I see racism, I will call it out. I will fight for those who need to be fought for in the best ways I can, when I can. I will educate myself on my own terms, read the material that has been recommended, and do my best to practice “non-optical allyship”. But social media is currently taking a toll on my mental and emotional health right now. As much change is taking place on it, there’s also a ton of negativity and divisiveness. There’s triggering and traumatizing images and videos that I literally cannot stand to see and watch. It’s making me anxious, sad, and weighs my heart down so much. 

I have to take care of myself too. The information online has become so addictive that I find myself on twitter like every second of the day, just constantly consuming regardless of content. And then I feel drained after, saddened and anxious.

I have to disengage. I can do my part to send good energy into the world and be a good person or ally without having to display it all on social media or use it to validate who I am and what I stand for. I do not want to be performative or insincere. And I don’t want to compromise my mental/emotional health under the guise of remaining “informed” when I can do so by other means. 

I’ll return to twitter in a little while. Maybe sometime next week, once that impulse of checking it constantly wears off. I put a 3 hour time-limit on it through my phone but even that wasn’t enough. It’s crazy how much information you can consume in such a short while. 

Le sigh. What a world we live in. What a year. 

Anyways, it’s beautiful out so I’m going to go for a run and get my heart pumping, and when I come back I shall relax and read some of my book, maybe watch some more of my show. Until my next log!

Love always and deeply, 

Me.

Day 154 to 156 – June 2nd to 4th, 2020

Well. I have some processing to do. Yesterday, I had a bit of a… blow out? Argument? Massive yelling session? With my dad, and well… I don’t remember the last time I yelled that loudly or angrily. I was yelling so loudly that neighbours from 5-6 houses down were poking their heads out or coming onto their patios to see what the commotion was (I was yelling outside on the patio, which is why). I yelled so much that my throat was sore after. It got to the point that my voice became shrill (Olivia laughed after because she said it was like a mouse was screaming angrily and that it was almost adorable LMAO). 

Here’s how it began: Daniella recently got a pool for her birthday, and we’ve all been really excited about it because she said we could use it sometimes too. We’ve all been wanting to help her out with it as well so that she wasn’t setting everything up by herself. We have two massive pine trees in our backyard that were kind of in the way of the pool, and also dead pine leaves were falling from the lower branches into it as well. So, we decided to cut down all the lower branches of the tree in order for there to be more room for the pool and the surrounding area. 

My mom went last night to go help Daniella cut down the lower branches, and we were all out on the patio marvelling at how much clearer and better everything looked with the branches cut down. All of a sudden my dad came out onto the patio as well, and he started getting upset with my mom for cutting down the branches of the tree. I could smell alcohol on his breath (which was probably a part of the reason why he was getting excessively angry for no reason) and he kept going inside of the house and back out on the patio to yell even more at my mom. My mom didn’t say anything because she legit doesn’t care anymore, but I was getting more and more upset by the minute as he began to threaten her with (and believe me, I know this is ridiculous over A TREE) calling the police on her for cutting down the tree without his permission. He kept yelling that she was going to be in a lot of trouble if she kept it up and that she was (again, ridiculous), “damaging the ecosystem”. (IT’S A GODDAMN DEAD PINE TREE OMG). 

I had been firmly telling him to get back inside the house and that it was only a tree, but he kept yelling at my mom, and that’s when I finally snapped and lost it. I was like, “GET BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!” at the top of my lungs, and I think I stunned him, but he started yelling right back at me, telling me that he had a right to say whatever he wanted and that half the house was his. I honestly kind of blacked out at this point because I don’t really remember how it got to this, but I ended up bringing up his $6000 dollar debt from lottery tickets (once again, at the top of my lungs for everyone in my neighbourhood to hear, heh). 

I kept shrieking, “HOW DARE YOU!? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT HER THROUGH!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!?” I was legit trembling with rage; my whole body was shaking from how angrily I was yelling at the top of my lungs. And then he was shouting back that he paid half the mortgage of this house and had a right to know what was happening in it, and that he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to say about it. Again, I don’t remember how this came up, but I screamed back something along the lines of how he wasted thousands upon thousands of dollars due to his gambling and he didn’t have any right to speak that way. 

At this point, he was absolutely livid and started yelling that he was going to sell this house, call his lawyer, leave, and that he didn’t want anything to do with any of us ever again. Olivia began yelling too, and we were both screaming “THEN GET OUT! WE DO NOT CARE! LEAVE!!!!!” 

My mom even came out of the backyard back to the house to ask us to stop screaming because people were coming out of their houses in the front of the street too (LMFAOOO). 

I think I stopped yelling after a certain point because he retreated to the living room, but holy shit I was shook. I was shook by my own damn self. I was shaking so hard that I thought my legs were going to give out from under me. I had to go outside and sit down and calm down before I passed out, because I was feeling dizzy from all the blood that had rushed to my head. Bea came outside to sit with me for a little bit, and I apologized to Daniella from the patio for everything she had to listen to in those moments. (My mom told us afterwards that Daniella was so scared and shocked that she didn’t know what to do and went back into her place LOOOL omg). 

No one that I know outside my family has ever heard or seen me like that, so I know it was pretty shocking for her. But, she said she understood because she could tell that my frustration was obviously bubbling inside for a while and I just let it all out. 

I had no idea I was that angry, actually. I mean, I’m usually pretty good with processing my emotions when it comes to things like this, the relapses. But, I guess because we never really got a chance to talk to him about it and we all pretended like nothing happened and business in our household resumed as normal, I never dealt with my emotions regarding what happened properly.

I was also just so, so incredibly mad about how he was speaking to my mom. I know that he’s repressing anger at having been caught again, resentful that his secret credit card and “financial freedom” got taken away, and that my mom is once again the person who’s truly financially in control once more and that he has to ask her for money when he wants it. But he’s taking it all out on her without even for a second being remorseful for the part that he played in this. And my mom is so tired of fighting with him, that she just takes his yelling and bad attitude. I had ENOUGH. I promised her that I would have her back, and I did. 

I don’t know man. How can he not see that he has a problem? It wouldn’t matter if he had a credit card to himself if he didn’t spend every single cent of it on lottery tickets and alcohol and racked up a debt, every single time. He’s completely financially irresponsible and incapable of having large sums of money without blowing it all. Time and time again, we’ve seen proof of that in these relapses. So how can we trust him? How can we NOT be angry with him? How can we NOT bring up the gambling problem, and have that be the only thing we can see when it comes to him? Especially when this keeps happening without resolve? Without him asking for help or being sorry about it? It’s almost as though he’s being pridefully in denial about it all, as though he’s in the right. But he’s not. 

The day before, Olivia and my mom got into a bit of an argument themselves. Olivia finally told my mom that she had upset her by saying that she had nothing to be proud of us for. They talked openly and vulnerably and my mom sincerely apologized for the things she said while she was in pain. She expressed that she was aware of her conditioning; all the things she’s been taught by our culture and the perspectives that she holds that can be damaging. They came to an understanding as I helped to facilitate their conversation, and all three of us came to a realization. 

We were taking turns getting upset with each other or having discord amongst the three of us, when really it was dad that we were all mad at. We just hadn’t had the opportunity to deal with it or say anything to him, and we were all taking it out on each other instead. My mom started crying when she explained how angry she was and how much pain she was in, and I started crying when I saw her pain. It’s just not fair man. Her life should now have been like this. It should not have been filled with this much suffering. She doesn’t deserve it. 

And that’s why I reacted the way I did, ultimately. My protective side came out, guns blazing, no holds barred. I would go to war for the women I love, my mom and my sister. I would burn it all to the ground if I had to. I can’t stand to see them in pain, and I couldn’t bear to hear the things my dad was saying to my mom in a drunken spiteful rage. All over A TREE. A TREE. 

Anyways, eventually I settled down and decided to go help out my mom and Daniella in the backyard. Before I did though, I stopped by the living room and decided to apologize to my dad. I calmly told him that I was sorry for the things I said while I was angry. He was still super upset though, so he shouted that when he made a decision, he would not take a step back from it, and would move forward. He yelled that he was deeply hurt and didn’t want to see any of us ever again and that he was done, he was leaving. Unfazed, I peacefully told him that whatever his decision may be, as his daughter, I was apologizing for the way my anger got the best of me and for saying some things that I maybe shouldn’t have, and for hurting his feelings. After that, I left to go outside and that was that. 

I apologized because I genuinely felt bad for the way I flung his own short-comings at him. He’s an addict, and he’s sick. Me yelling at him and bringing up his mistakes is like me yelling at someone who can’t help the fact that they are unwell. I could have had a proper conversation with him and calmly told him to stop yelling at my mom without bringing up things that I knew would deliberately hurt him. Nevertheless, I don’t regret my anger and I don’t regret how things went down at the end of the day. I’m human. I have my limits and my own flaws. I did the right thing by apologizing, not just for him but for my own peace of mind. Now, I just want space for the time being. 

Adrian is coming to pick me up today and I’m going to be staying at his place through this weekend, which I think I really need. Thank goodness. Usually we’re all here at my place during the weekend and that’s become something of a tradition during the last two months, but Olivia will also be spending this weekend at Trevor’s, so all four of us won’t be here. I considered staying home for my mom, but Bea promised to keep an eye on my mom and hang out with her. 

So, how do I feel about it all now? 

My heart is still a little sad. I think it’s like… my inner kid in my heart, you know? The little girl who still feels like she has a broken family. But, I’m here for that little girl now. And I love her. I’m here to hold her hand and be that loving presence that she always wanted. And we’re going to have fun and play and live life to the fullest no matter what. I’m going to take care of her. I’ve got her back, and she is safe. 

She knows it’s no longer her duty to save anyone, and that the state of her family is no longer the state of her own well-being. Even if the “house” burns down, she will not burn down with it. She is free now. 

I, am free. 

I cried while I wrote that, and my heart feels so much more light now. Love is so powerful. Self-love, is so, so empowering and freeing. It warms my heart to know that the same way I am there for the ones I love most in my life, I am there for me too. 

Writing is so important, I must remember that. It is my healing. It’s my way of untangling the messy knot of feelings and thoughts that collect between my head and my heart. 

Anyways, I did a hot oil treatment for my hair earlier today, and it’s time now to go shower and wash it out. I promise to write some time this weekend and check in with myself to see how I’m doing. 

I love you, me. So very much. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 147 to 153 – May 26th to June 1st, 2020

HAPPY NEW MONTH! And just like that, May is over. It’s officially June! New month, new opportunities, new moments to be created. I’m sure it’s going to be a good month! (At least, I hope). 

May really passed by in a blur, throughout the end of the month. I didn’t write as much as I should have, but here we are again with a new month and a new chance to begin again. I shall dedicate this log to being a proper catch-up log, because it’s been a while. 

Where to begin!? Do I talk about what’s going on in the outside world first, or the inside world? I guess I’ll talk about the outside world and then how I have been relating to it as of late afterwards. 

Well, the pandemic is still going on strong; we’ve officially surpassed 6 million cases worldwide and some countries are only now beginning to face the brunt of the disease, like Brazil. Here in Canada, the past few days have seen a decline in cases from 1000 per day to about 900 per day, so that’s positive. It seemed that there could be a possible second wave and it hasn’t been ruled out yet completely, but it does seem like some industries are returning to business as usual (save for all the new protocols that have been implemented). 

Nevertheless, it does seem as though quarantine is continuing on into June, seeing as many things remain closed and social distancing is still being strongly encouraged. They’re placing 6 foot circles 10 meters apart in some parks, such as Trinity Bellwoods. Personally, I like the idea of this so that people can actually enjoy being outside again, but I hope that there aren’t the idiot few who ruin it for the many by not respecting the spacing guidelines. 

What a year man. It’s been crazy so far. It genuinely feels like a movie sometimes. But this is real life. 

Anyways, moving on to inside life. Things have been good! I’ve been back on my ADHD medication (in an attempt to be focused as well as moderate my weight), and I’ve been pretty productive lately. I’ve taken up running three times a week, and slowly but surely my stamina is increasing. I do want to be healthier overall, so I’m glad that I’ve been getting more consistent about my runs. 

I’ve cleaned out my closet and wardrobe to get rid of old clothing, reorganized everything and bought some cute new dresses (which I hope I’ll somehow get the opportunity to wear out some time this summer LOL). The house renovation projects have been going well (not that I’ve had any part in it hehehehe) and now our place is looking so much more bright and new. Quarantine really has been benefitting all of us in the best ways possible. 

Now that I’ve finished my painting, I need a new project to keep me busy. I know I should be working on my book, so maybe sometime this week I can return to that. I didn’t get a first draft done by today the way I hoped I would. But nevertheless, that first chapter is a good start. Chapter 2 shall arrive shortly. In the meanwhile, I would like to begin another painting, and my gardening has been keeping me a little busy as well. I have new plant babies! An aloe plant, and some beautiful lilies outside. I repotted my aloe plant with my bare hands and my heart is so happy :’). 

My anxiety has been getting a bit better. I don’t know if it’s a combination of physical exercise, more sun and vitamin D, being more productive and regulating my sleep cycles, but whatever it is or as a whole, things have been improving. My anxiety sort of made a flare-up after the whole thing with dad. Also, I had to have yet another talk with my mom because she did end up having one of her misdirected meltdowns/tantrums towards me despite the pre-emptive talk I had with her before. It went well, but Olivia happened to be there too and some things that my mom said inadvertently triggered her, which led to her having a bit of a meltdown herself. 

I’m glad that Nadia showed me the book “Not the Price of Admission”, a book about healing your relationship with yourself and others after having a traumatic or difficult childhood. I’m no longer attached to the point that I embody my mom’s pain, fears, worries, anxieties and projections as my own. In fact, the distance between us allows me the space to love her better and understand her deeper. I also know that even though sometimes her love seems conditional, on many other levels it isn’t. And wherever it is conditional, it’s up to me to love myself accordingly. 

What got Olivia was that my mom was basically saying she doesn’t have any reason to be proud of us because neither of us have our licenses yet, neither of us have graduated yet, and we don’t have anything to show for years of being in school. And I very calmly explained to her that if the only reasons she could be proud of us were for those reasons in particular, then that was very sad and I felt very sorry for her. I explained that Olivia and I have grown up to be beautiful, strong, intelligent women who are kind-hearted and good. That we’re figuring out our lives to the best of our abilities and doing whatever we can to better ourselves. That in itself should be more than enough reason to be proud of us. 

I explained it all to Olivia afterwards, when she let me know that mom had gotten to her. How important it is that we learn to be proud of OURSELVES first, and love ourselves unconditionally the way a parent should. We have to be the parent we never had by filling in all our own wounds first, so that this cycle of expectation and projection doesn’t continue when we have kids. It starts with us, to break the cycle of pain. I told her that she has to fulfill her own life’s purpose first and foremost for herself, and that everything else would fall into place accordingly. 

It’s not easy to be told by your parent that you are their only sole source of happiness and that their peace of mind resides completely on you and your “accomplishments” in life. That’s a lot of pressure. I know she ultimately wants us to be happy and successful, and we will be, but on OUR terms and on our OWN time. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! 

I’m still going with the flow and letting life take me where it will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

I’ll try to start writing more again this month and keep myself updated, and try to do more emotional/mental check-ins during this time! Lot’s of heaviness in the air these days. It’s important to rest, recharge and transmute that energy. 

Until tomorrow! 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 139 to 146 – May 18th to 25th, 2020

Oops! It’s been about a week since I’ve written last, BUT, nothing majorly eventful has happened since I last wrote. In fact, it’s been a pretty great week! We ended up spontaneously going to the cottage again this past weekend, and the weather was finally hot enough for us to actually go swimming. The water was still pretty damn cold, but the air was warm enough that it actually felt refreshing to dip into the water here and there. I have a tan for what feels like the first time since I went to Aruba, LOL. That vitamin D though! 

Anyways, I’m also about a week away from my June 1st deadline for my book and… well… I only still have the first chapter, heh. Time has been slipping away from me lately. But, on the bright side, I had some of my cousins read my first chapter and the feedback I received was heart-warming and super affirming too; I know that I don’t have anything to fear when it comes to getting my message across. 

I’m sure inspiration will strike again soon, and chapter 2 will be born. I’m excited! I’ve really enjoyed the process so far. But I want it to flow and feel organic rather than forced. At the same time, I know it’s important to be dedicated to my craft and work at it tirelessly. I guess you could say that I’m trying to find my balance between the two. 

I did finish my painting though! It was bittersweet – I enjoyed the process so much that I almost felt sad to end my paint project; that was a new feeling for me. I never realized how much I enjoy the “doing” part of the things I take on. Maybe that’s why I never quite finish anything that I start. Because I have so much fun starting things. 

My creativity has been inspiring me at every turn lately. I’ve gotten back to writing fiction, writing in general, painting, and now I even want to get back into makeup, LMAO. Only because I actually genuinely miss doing my makeup every day. But like, how fun would it be to get contact lenses and wigs and reaaaaally go ham with it!?!? 

I might actually, honestly. I have so much time to do whatever the heck I want. 

I was thinking about stuff. So, my coworkers have all gone back to work, as our store officially opened this past Friday. But, because I don’t work for the store and since I’m vendor-paid, I’m not required to go back for up to 30 days after the opening. Chances are, I may be allowed to go back at the end of June. 

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to go back. 

I’m getting more money from the government than I do working almost full-time hours. Not to mention, I’m actually SAVING a ton of money from NOT going into work because of how often I Ubered to and from work on a daily basis and not spending money on food (minus the random splurges on UberEats here and there, hehe). But yeah. I’m making more money than I usually do and saving it all, all by NOT working. It’s the fucking life. It’s a dream. I’ve never felt so financially secure and free. In fact, the hardest part lately has been trying to talk myself out of spending the money unnecessarily, just because I can. 

So… I’m thinking. If Maria asks me to come back to work at the end of June… I’m going to ask if I can take the rest of the summer off, and start again in September. Summer is often super dead as it is. If Sharon wants to go back, she’s more than welcome to take my place. In all honesty, Maria doesn’t really need me anymore. I planned events, I did scheduling, I helped with other paperwork matters. But now, there’s no one to schedule and there’s no events that need coordinating. I’m scared that if I do return to work, I’ll no longer be eligible for the government money anymore, and I’d rather have that. 

There’s also the risk of interacting with people – something I haven’t actually done in about 2-3 months minus my family and Adrian. Literally, they are the only people I have seen/been around since the quarantine began in March. I haven’t gone anywhere except for a grocery trip here and there, and even that is infrequent. I’m not ready to be out in the world yet, not with numbers still jumping by a thousand, daily. And half of those cases are in Ontario. We may even be on the brink of a second wave with the way people are acting these days, and I’m not trying to get caught in that. 

I’m sure Maria will understand. I’ll tell her that I have some things to do regarding school and that I am not ready to return to work and will not be until September (or until the government money runs out). 

Which means, if all goes according to plan, I will have this entire summer off from work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s three whole months, June, July, August, the best months to be off. Omg, omg. I’m so excited. I’m putting it out there, Universe!!! And if it does manifest the way I’m visualizing it to, then I promise I will make the most of the time that I am given to the best of my abilities. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! I already have a new paint project idea which I’m very excited about, and I’ve recently re-read the last chapter I uploaded to my fiction story and I’m now once again enticed into continuing that. So many things!!!! AHH

We’ll see what this week shapes up to be for me. I’ve honestly never been more grateful for time, for this, for where I am in my life, for my health, for EVERYTHING. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! 

Love always and light to all, 

Me.

Day 137 + 138 – May 16th & 17th, 2020

Hello! It’s May long weekend, but it feels like any other day/weekend in this quarantine LOL. (Not complaining though!) Weekends still feel nice, weirdly enough. We just get to do a little bit of extra nothing on the weekends, or relax a little further than we do during the week. 

I just sat and had a really long talk with my mom. I was wandering upstairs because I was going to use the washroom but I found myself drawn to her room instead, where I found her sitting quietly by herself in bed. I immediately had this feeling that I had to sit with her and talk. I’m glad I did. 

She’s so good at disguising her pain and anguish, but not that good. After almost 28 years of being her daughter, I know her. I know where and when exactly her pain will come out and turn into temper tantrums and passive aggressive remarks. I also know that situations like these trigger her anxiety and depression. So, I wanted to make sure she was doing okay on some level. 

We talked for quite awhile, and I was right – this whole thing that happened with my dad set off a fresh bout of worry for Olivia and I regarding our education. But this time, I was able to sit and listen to her without taking it personally. I was just, there for her. I set myself aside and listened to what she had to say without feeling triggered or hurt myself. 

I know she’s worried about us, and why we haven’t graduated yet. I think she’s always worried about it, but doesn’t say. But when things like this happen with my dad, those latent thoughts become a very real spiral of anger, pain, worry, and sadness; a spiral she can’t really control and a spiral that we usually get dragged into as well. 

I felt like talking to her was almost preemptive – I knew what was coming and I hoped that I could diffuse the future tension before it began. I hope I managed to lighten her burden, somehow. I promised her that Olivia and I are doing our very best, and that one day we would be just as self-sufficient and successful as she hopes we will be. 

The sad thing is, is that she has it set in her mind that her happiness is solely dependent on us. She said that we are the only thing she has to live for, and that made me sad. I wish she saw the beauty of her own life and how much else she has to live for aside from us. It’s also a lot of pressure on Olivia and I, but I think we both know better now. 

We have to live life according to our own paths, journey, story, lessons and timing in order to guarantee and secure our own happiness on OUR terms first and foremost, and everything else will follow. Ultimately, I know that if we’re happy on our terms, she’ll find a way to be happy for us too. So, as much as I would love to get back into school and graduate ASAP because I know that’s what she wants and dreams of, I have to make sure I’m doing it on my terms and at my own pace, first.

At the end of the day, I know she doesn’t have to worry about us. But, because of the comparative and competitive nature of our culture, it’s hard for her not to think that way. Especially with so many of our close family friends around us who are graduating or entering career paths, and their parents asking about Olivia and I. It’s not easy. I don’t blame her for feeling the way that she does. 

Anyways, we ended our conversation in agreement that we have to be more strict with my dad. No more lottery tickets, no more encouragement about winnings (when he does), and no more “allowance” of weekly money until he shows more self-control. No more allowing him to get away with not taking accountability for his actions and his sickness. We can’t be enablers and just say “oh he’s sick”, every time something like this occurs. Yes, he is sick. Yes, he is an addict. But he’s not a child and he’s not helpless. He has resources and people he can reach out to. We have to stop allowing him to fall into these cycles. 

I gave her a big hug and promised her that she’s not alone in this and that she can always come and talk to me about anything that is on her mind. I also advised that she talk to our family doctor about potentially getting on anti-anxiety medication or antidepressants until she stabilizes again and is able to fall asleep normally (her anxiety/worry is causing insomnia and resultant headaches). She’s going to look into it. 

We had a really good, constructive, mature and heart-felt conversation. But man. My heart is heavy in my chest, there is a lump in my throat, and I’m pretty sure I held back tears like ten times while we were talking. 

I’m just so sad for her. I’m sad for my dad. I know it’s not my responsibility to save them. But… still. I’m sad that they have to go through this pain. Especially my mom. 

I’m so thankful that I’ve brought so much beauty into my own life by taking accountability and control of my mental and emotional health through my therapy and other means. I’m glad I know that life has so much to offer and hope/faith can carry you through anything. I just wish that my mom knew that, too. 

I’m proud of myself. I’ve ended the cycle of pain. I no longer feel threatened, triggered, or upset when she brings up her worries of how I haven’t graduated yet. I have faith in my path. I have faith in myself. Now, I know that I can just try to do my best to assuage her worries rather than take them personally or assume that she thinks I’m a failure. Now, I know that’s not the case. I have come far from the person I once was. 

Everything happens as it is meant to. Every pain we encounter, every trying time, every trial and tribulation leads to a greater strength and a greater self. I know this. I have faith in this, I’ve lived through this, I have experienced it and know it to be true. Time heals all and life is beautiful, no matter what. Sadness is just as much a part of life as happiness is, and I welcome it to pass through me as it needs to. That is my right as a human being, and only a sliver of the spectrum of how wonderful it is to experience that humanity. 

I guess that’s all for today! Somber log, hehe. Maybe I’ll paint a little, or work on my book some more. It’s still a beautiful day, the rain is coming to wash away whatever it needs to and feed the growing life of spring, and I’m here with my family and loved ones. Life will always, always be wonderful and I will always have plenty to be thankful for. 

Until next time! 

Love always, infinitely and with all of my heart, 

Me.

Day 134, 135, 136 – May 13th, 14th & 15th, 2020

Hellooooo! Okay so, super, super, super, amazing, wonderful, awesome news first: 

I JUST FINISHED THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY BOOOKKKKK AHHHHHHHHH WHEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAHH WOOOOOOOOOOO- 

LMAO. 

I’m so excited, so thrilled, so happy, and just tingling all over with elation. Holy crap. I finally did it. HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Honestly, it’s also hugely in part to the magic of the Universe, and Elizabeth Gilbert’s book. I can’t explain it, but it’s almost as though the Universe is directly speaking to me through her book. Like, every single doubt or qualm I had about writing my book or truly embracing my creativity, she’s addressing each and every one of those one by one in her chapters. It’s uncanny. It makes my armpits prickle with nervousness and excitement. I’m not kidding. 

Like, take this excerpt for example from her chapter of “Originality vs. Authenticity”: 

“Maybe you fear that you are not original enough. Maybe that’s the problem – you’re worried that your ideas are commonplace and pedestrian, and therefore unworthy of creation. Aspiring writers will often tell me, “I have an idea, but I’m afraid it’s already been done.” Well, yes, it probably has already been done. Most things have already been done – but they have not yet been done by you.

So what if we repeat the same themes? So what if we circle around the same ideas, again and again, generation after generation? So what if every new generation feels the same urges and asks the same questions that humans have been feeling and asking for years? We’re all related, after all, so there’s going to be some repetition of creative instinct. Everything reminds us of something. But once you put your own expression and passion behind an idea, that idea becomes yours.

Just say what you want to say, then say it with all your heart. Share whatever you’re driven to share. If it’s authentic enough, believe me – it will feel original.” 

Wow. That was one of my exact fears. I was scared that the overall message of my book, which is self-love, has been done to death and that it wouldn’t seem original as a result. But she’s so absolutely right. I’m trying to be as authentic as I can in my writing, and therefore, it is me, and I am unique, therefore my story is also unique and original in itself. 

Another excerpt that resonated with me is from her chapter on “Motives”: 

“You are not required to save the world with your creativity. Your art not only doesn’t have to be original, in other words; it doesn’t have to be important. For example: whenever anybody tells me that they want to write a book in order to help other people, I always think, oh, please don’t. 

Please don’t try to help me. 

I mean, it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls. 

Your own reasons to create are reason enough. Merely by pursuing what you love, you may inadvertently end up helping us plenty. (“There is no love which does not become help”, taught the theologian Paul Tillich.) Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart. 

The rest of it will take care of itself.” 

Man, I love how honestly she writes. It’s everything I need to hear. 

I think that’s a big part of what was blocking my writing. I was so stuck on this idea that I was writing a self-help book, and it primarily had to be focused on helping people. But, she’s right. I don’t want to shove advice down people’s throats or speak to them as if I know everything – I don’t. What I want to do, above and beyond anything else, is just simply share my story. I want to ask questions that provoke reflection, but I also want to do so from a place of genuine sincerity rather than come off preachy or condescending. 

And so, I will! That’s it, that’s as simple as it gets. I’m going to use my logs because I was writing those logs for me. I was writing to save myself. And I did! So I’m hoping that my story, the words I wrote down, will help someone or have some relate to what I went through without telling people how to feel or what to think. 

THANK YOU UNIVERSE THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN MEEEE!

Another wonderful, affirming synchronicity that just occured: I tweeted that I finished the first chapter of my book, THE book, my dream, and that I wanted to cry. A couple moments later, I noticed I had a new follower. I checked out of curiosity who it was, and… 

It’s a woman who edits and publishes books!!! Namely… SELF-HELP/SPIRITUAL BOOKS!! SUCH AS THE FOUR AGREEMENTS BY DON MIGUEL RUIZ!! And you wanna know what her business is called/what she calls herself??!?!?

“The Book Angel”. 

:’) 

I don’t know if this is the outlet for me and my book, but it’s a start!! Maybe she’ll be the way for me to get my book published/marketed, who knows!!! I have every faith that whatever is meant to be, will be, and that the Universe will guide me accordingly. Just… what are the odds, you know!!?!?! It’s amazing, it’s magic, and my heart is so happy and excited. I’m so tempted to message her, but I only have my first chapter done. I think when I’ve finished my first draft and it’s been edited by those closest to me and polished, then I will see what my gut says. 

THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUUUU UNIVERSEEEEEEEE AHHHHHHHH

Okay, that’s it for today! I wrote my first chapter, I wrote my log, I read my book, and my brain has had its fill of love and creativity. Now, it’s Friday evening and I’m ready to unwind with Adrian, eat some pizza and maybe smoke a little bit, hehe. 

My heart is truly so grateful. I’m still a little scared – my fear is still there, lurking beneath the surface, looking at me nervously from afar while it wrings its hands and paces to and fro. But it’s okay, because this bus, the bus I’m driving now with faith and hope in tow, is headed for great and wonderful things. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 133 – May 12th, 2020

Hellooooo! Okay so funny little ironic thing – while I was reading through my old logs, I read about that time in 2017 when my mom caught my dad with yet another secret credit card and a gambling debt of about $5,000 dollars. And in my head, as I was reading, I remember vaguely thinking, “Wow. It’s been awhile since we’ve had one of those catastrophes. Things have settled down pretty nicely, as of late.”

L O L 

Well. So much for that! 

My mom has had one of her uncanny “hunches” for a little while now. And when my mom gets that feeling she can’t explain, about 9.9/10 times, she’s usually right. She has a very, very astute intuition when it comes to my dad and his… shenanigans, for lack of a better word. 

For the past couple years things have been pretty settled, and my mom and dad have been on good terms. They built up a bit of a friendship again, and life settled into our normal. But, for the last couple months, there were a couple red flags we noticed here and there that we didn’t follow up on. Before COVID19 really took its toll and quarantine began, my dad began looking for another job. Quite frantically, if I may add. I mused to my mom that perhaps he’d racked up yet another debt; the last time he started looking for another job was when he’d acquired the prior debt in 2017 and started working at UPS in order to pay it off. But, due to insufficient evidence, we let it slide and so did he. He didn’t bring up the idea of a second job again. 

For a little while after that, my mom tried to find his wallet whenever he happened to be in the shower, but to no avail. Every single time, he had it hidden somewhere that she couldn’t find. (Again, this was yet another red flag that we discussed at length but never probed further). We let it go, but my mom mentioned here and there to us that she had a “feeling” that something was off. 

Even more recently, my dad has been coming home with quite a bit of lottery tickets. Every so often, he’d win a couple hundred dollars and let us all know triumphantly that he’d won something. He’d share a bit with my mom, and usually use the rest towards what seemed like groceries, so I don’t think we thought much about it. I surmised that he was using the weekly allowance my mom gave him to buy lottery tickets, and I think my mom and my sister did too. 

Well, we were very, very wrong.

Today, when my dad went for his daily shower, he slipped up. He didn’t hide his wallet. My mom, on a whim, happened to go through it today… to find a new credit card. A Costco credit card, to be exact. She hurriedly ran over to me and my sister to show us her findings. 

Now, I know this is a leeeeeetle less than legal, but because we know his birthday, we were able to access the information of his latest payment, balance available and amount owing. Basic credit card stuff. 

We waited on the phone with bated breath as the automated voice accepted the information we provided. When it revealed the numbers, at first it didn’t seem so bad. $140 dollar payment last month and an available balance of three hundred something. But the balance owing? 

Close to six. thousand. dollars. 

Yep. 

We all recoiled in shock, my hand flying to my mouth, my mom actually taking a few steps back from where she was standing. We all took a moment to stare at each other in complete silence. I’m pretty sure my first thought was, “well… here we go again.” 

The standard drama ensued: my mom waiting patiently downstairs for my dad to finish his shower, sitting at the table with the card in front of her, us on either side. Quietly biding her time, seething. As soon as he paced into the kitchen, all hell broke loose. There was the rage-fueled yelling from my mom, the initial denial then guild-riddled defensiveness on my dad’s end, the resultant back and forth, and me chiming in an attempt to mediate so that they could have a semi-coherent “conversation”. Same old, same old. 

We got the last of the credit card details, froze the card, added the balance to my mom’s list of bills, and the payments begin again, just like always. I can’t remember a time in my life where my mom wasn’t paying off my dad’s debts. 

My mom went to go take a hot bath in an attempt to de-stress and calm down, and my dad went to go watch his daily news. She’s now sitting behind me, playing Candy Crush (probably on level 5000 knowing her), and sighing intermittently because I know she’s not actually thinking about Candy Crush. 

And so, here is the part where I know I must check-in with myself, check in with my inner child, and make sure all is well internally so that I don’t carry any of this forward with me. 

Honestly? Comparing this time to my reaction from 3 years ago? I must say, I’m very proud of myself. It just… doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m not surprised, but I’m not letting it define my expectations of hope and life, you know? At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. My dad is sick; he’s always been sick, he probably will always be sick, and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. It’s just how the cycle goes. He doesn’t have the self-awareness or capacity to help himself, so unfortunately there isn’t much that we can do for him either. We have held his hand and led him to Gambler’s Anonymous, led him to sessions and sponsors, to CAMH and whatever other center that provides aid for matters such as these. But the relapses keep happening. 

I feel sorry for him. I pity him. I wouldn’t wish addiction on anyone. He doesn’t have any self-control whatsoever and he genuinely can’t see how spending $6000 dollars to win $20-$200 off of lottery tickets is wrong and illogical. It doesn’t compute that way for him, because his addiction has hard-wired him to chase the feeling of winning and the high that follows. At least, that’s what it seems like. I can’t tell if anything makes sense to him because he always deflects in our more serious conversations, like a child. Guilt makes him defensive and he shuts down. He knows what he’s doing is wrong… it just seems like he can’t control himself. 

I also feel sorry for my mom. Because to my mom, this is personal. To my mom, she sees these occurrences as the ultimate and intentional betrayal of trust, rather than the result of a sickness. She sees only through the lens of her pain, and I don’t blame her. After years upon years of this, it almost does seem personal. And maybe on some level, it is. Maybe on some level, my dad resents my mom for having the very thing he seems to lack – control. Nevertheless, it’s not an excuse or justification. 

This time wasn’t as bad as other times. I’ve seen and been through worse, we all have. Maybe that’s why the reaction wasn’t as catastrophic (in comparison to what we’ve endured before). But still. 

I know my mom is going to find ways to release what is surely going to be pent-up anger and sadness. Usually, Olivia and I are her punching bags. She begins to nitpick on the fact that we haven’t graduated yet and how we probably won’t before “she dies”. It’s her way of expressing her deep fear, anger and sadness of her lack of control, even though it’s a lack of control over us (when really it’s her lack of control in her situation with my dad. Ergo, the transference and resultant projecting. Hello, Psych 1010). 

So, I’m readying up for that reaction by reminding myself, here and now, to be patient with her, not to fight back, not to take anything she says personally, because I know with utter clarity where it’s coming from. It’s the cycle, it’s always been the Cycle of Pain: dad gambles/drinks -> does something stupid/costly -> mom rages, cries, reacts -> stews in this anger, her latent depression gets triggered again -> starts lashing out at Olivia and I because her sadness/anger has nowhere to go. 

In the past, the next arrows of that cycle would have been -> Olivia and I embody what she says, take it personally, fight back -> we end up sad and angry about our own self-perceived failures and end up resenting both our parents. 

There you have it, the Cycle of Pain. Generational pain. 

But. These past three years of my life have unburdened me from taking on this Generational Pain. I now know that it is no longer my responsibility to save anyone, and I now know that my family’s well-being should not be entangled with and does not equate to my own well-being. I am responsible for that alone. My parent’s pain will no longer be my pain. I am happy with where I am in this life, and I am proud of myself. By doing my inner-work, through years of therapy with Nadia, I have mentally, emotionally and spiritually cut the cord of discord in my relationship with my family. I love them all dearly, each and every one of them, but their chaos is not my chaos anymore. I can help so far as I am meant to help and whatever is in my means to do so, but no further than that. 

I had to break from the cycle of pain, and I hope that Olivia is doing the same for herself. I hope she is dealing with this on her own terms and not embodying the discord within our family. I asked her how she’s doing, but it was the same standard answer of “I’m fine”. What I am happy about though, is that she has Trevor to confide in now. I hope she does, if she needs to. She knows that I’m here for her if anything as well. 

It just is what it is. I’m sad for my mom and dad, for the pain that they experience individually and together. I really am. I hope one day, they each know peace of some kind within this lifetime. I really do. 

I guess that’s about it for today. I’m proud of myself. I think the me of 2017 would be super proud of me today, 2020. We’ve come far together. All the work she did and I did truly paid off. 

On a lighter note – I woke up today and went for a run! I’m trying my best to adopt that “just do it” mind frame and I’m finding that I’m not meeting much resistance in myself, which is great! We’re going to go for another run tomorrow morning, which is great. Just, got to do it. No thoughts about it, no overthinking it. Just, do it. 

I also ordered sushi for all of us for dinner, which was a nice little treat. Man, the craving was real. It felt so good to satisfy that craving. 

That’s all for tonight! I’m going to do a nice hot oil hair treatment and unwind with a glass of wine after this evening we all just went through, LOL. Honestly, thank goodness I get to spend time at Adrian’s. Who would have thought that his place would become a safe haven. *points in Paul Rudd* not me! (LMAO kidding, his place has always felt so wonderfully welcome and warm to me, another home). 

Until tomorrow! 

Love, strength, hope and faith always, 

Me.