Day 321 + 322 – November 17th & 18th, 2017

Hello, hello!

So it’s currently Saturday morning, the day of Gala at work. I’m not particularly concerned about it though because I’ll be starting work much later today, and hopefully by then the hype will have died down and it’ll be somewhat of a normal shift.

I have so many things I want to cover in this log! A lot of these things stem from the realizations that I had during my session with my counselor, Nadia. And for once, I actually have time to sit down and just write absolutely everything, which is nice. I’ll start by writing about my session in detail, and then go from there.

It was honestly amazing. We covered so much in such a short time and I hadn’t realized I had so much that I needed to and wanted to talk about, because I’ve been focusing so much on keeping busy and being focused on everything else but ME! And I brushed it off by thinking that the meditation and working out was all the self-care I needed, and while it’s been helping me a lot, I haven’t actually sat down and thought about how I’ve been feeling or the thoughts I’ve been having because of how hard I’ve been trying to separate myself from it all.

Basically, we started off by talking about my family. I caught her up about what happened with my mom, and I talked about some of the feelings of resentment I had. I asked her if the resentment made me a bad person, because logically I knew my mom was in pain, but I still felt resentful because suicide felt selfish to me, especially since Olivia and I are overall good kids who have amazing intentions.

And she explained that resentment is a feeling and I’m allowed to have feelings. There’s a difference between festering and dwelling on resentment and allowing it to cloud my judgement, versus acknowledging how I feel and learning how to work around it and reason with it.

Then that led to how I never really felt I received the recognition or praise that I unconsciously craved from my mother – I’ve done things to seek her approval but I’ve never really gotten it because the things I do aren’t really according to her expectations or her time frames, so I don’t feel fulfilled in that sense.

That led to me questioning whether this lack of appreciation made me seek validation in my relationships. During my session, I told Nadia that I don’t think that I do, because I know that my friends and my family do appreciate me. But, after my work shift last night, I realized another truth: I do seek validation from some of my relationships – namely, the ones I have with the mothers that I work with, such as Sera or Diana or Marilyn.

I have this incessant unconscious desire to both be their friend and for them to like me. It’s so strange, but now that I’m aware of it, everything makes so much sense now – like, why I was so concerned about how they perceived me and what they thought of me, and how cautious I was about the things I said to them. Why I felt anxiety after my interactions with them, and replayed the conversations and reactions in my mind after everything was said and done. I got addicted to those good feelings I got from the appreciation and love I received from them whenever they told me how great I was, or how kind and sweet, or even beautiful. It was so foreign to me that it became addictive.

The anxiety also stems from my tendency to put these people on high pedestals, rather than truly seeing them for who they are. But more on that idealization problem of mine later.

This particular topic of seeking validation led to me addressing my fears in regards to romantic relationships; I talked about how I’ve been feeling like I miss being in a relationship and how that feeling scared me, because I never want to feel like I ever need someone again, because I want to be totally self-sufficient and generate my own happiness.

But she helped me to understand that we’re humans and seeking relations with other humans is a basic intrinsic need that I shouldn’t deny myself out of fear, or be ashamed of. I originally believed that that want meant I was lacking something in myself, but it doesn’t – it just means I’m human.

Which led to talking about my attachment styles in dating and relationships.

I explained how I feel like I grew up quickly because my main priority growing up was protecting Olivia, almost raising her while my parents’ marriage, psychological health, and relationship went up in flames over and over. Nadia explained that all my childhood, I’ve been putting out fires and never really had a chance to be a kid the way I should have (which probably explains why I’m still such a kid at heart – I grew up super-fast and that kid is still there with me, my inner child).

Anyways, this leads to a certain attachment style in my relationships. But, I’m aware of it now so that I can pursue a healthier kind of partnership and she explained that I shouldn’t have to be afraid of being with someone and losing my independence or happiness. I have to accept that sometimes there will be discord in these relationships but I shouldn’t be so afraid of pain that I deny myself a relationship. Life should be lived in a healthy moderation, never in extremes.

Which led to talking about Dylan. I explained to Nadia what happened: how I told Dylan that I was attracted to him and agreed that we still needed to get to know one another further. How we went on a couple dates that to me seemed really nice and fun, with no pressure for anything more than continuing to get to know one another. How after that, he suggested time and time again that we hang out, but that that never manifested in any way. And how the last time he suggested it, he really gave me the impression that he was ready to let me in, but never ended up telling me when he was free, and I ended up not seeing him for weeks, wondering all the while what had happened.

And she immediately pointed out multiple things to me:

One: he “ghosted” (I BURST OUT LAUGHING LMAO SHE IS SO FUCKING COOL).

Two: I idealized the FUCK out of him. Like, by “focusing” on all his “amazing qualities”, I put him on a huge pedestal. Which in turn left me surprised and confused as to why he never ended up letting me know when he was free, because in my perception it seemed “unlike him”.

But ultimately, I never really DID get to know him. And ultimately, actions (or inaction) speak so much louder than words ever will. No matter how many times he said we’d hang out, or even though he said the feeling was mutual when I told him how much I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him, or even despite the fact that he said he’s looking forward to seeing me next week when he gets back to work: the fact remains that he ghosted me.

And I wasn’t mad or hurt at all!!! Actually, Nadia and I laughed about it, she even brought up the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which made us laugh even more.

I needed to hear that, straight up. Nadia said herself, it seemed as though he just wasn’t as interested as I’d hoped or perceived him to be, or that maybe he wasn’t ready and allowed that message to be conveyed to me through his lack of action.

She also pointed out that men are hunters – when they want something, like genuinely want something, they will go after it with no holds barred. If Dylan really DID want to get to know me, regardless of whether or not he was attracted to me, he would have made some kind of effort regardless of how “busy” he was (or how “busy” I perceived him to be as an excuse/rationalization for the lack of effort).

It was so clarifying to hear all of this!!! She also pointed out how she noticed how I was implicitly blaming myself for his lack of action: “maybe I was too forward”, “maybe I didn’t make enough effort myself”, etc.

But nope. He’s just not that into me and that’s totally okay!

She and I also talked about the nature of falling for someone and the initial rush of hormones and chemicals that were quite “blinding” in the initial stages of a relationship. We talked about the almost addictive nature of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that is released frequently when one feels as though they are “falling” for someone.

I explained to her that I was finally aware of those hormones, but that I did not want to be consumed by them or let them dictate my thought habits or emotions. And she agreed – when falling for someone, it’s so important to separate yourself from the feel-good hormones and acknowledge them for that they are so that they do not consume you.

And then I asked her, how exactly does one separate from “idealizing” a person, versus acknowledging/appreciating their good qualities? And her answer was amazing:

Idealization was a combination of the “spotlight effect” (focusing ONLY solely on the good qualities of a person) as well as using those perceived “good” qualities to cast high aspirations and expectations on the person based on those “qualities”. Those high expectations, being based on one-sided information, usually ended up being the key reason why people end up disillusioned or disappointed when the person did something (or in my case, didn’t do something) that didn’t fit or match the image that’s been projected onto them as a result of the idealizations.

But on the other hand, when you appreciated someone’s good qualities, you wouldn’t FOCUS on them – you’d simply acknowledge them, whilst being aware of the person’s other qualities such as flaws. Genuine appreciation stems from accepting a person as a whole once having truly gotten to know them. Idealization stems from actively choosing to see only the “good” of a person, and using that knowledge to assume you know the person completely.

If despite the good qualities they have, you can’t accept or abide by their other qualities, then you can’t allow yourself to solely focus on the good because that’s idealization and it WILL lead to disappointment or worse, an unhealthy relationship.

So she pointed out that if this is what he was like now – ghosting, unable to straight up tell me either he’s uninterested or not ready, then what would a possible relationship be like?

But she also said be open when he comes back to work – I had no reason to pursue anything any longer because his inaction has brought us to this point. But if he does all of a sudden start to make an effort (which I doubt he will), then I deserved a valid explanation for the “ghosting”.

I can’t even begin to express how nice and freeing it was to just vent about all of this and know that I wasn’t annoying anyone or that I’m not weak or needy.

I explained that despite me keeping as busy as I possibly could, that this DID bother me. Because I had no idea what had happened. And because of my idealizations, he seemed like such a good, honest, straightforward and mature person. And maybe he is a good person! But I don’t know him as deeply as I wanted to, ultimately.

And she’s also right, that I can’t blame myself because I’m awesome. I made it known to him that I was attracted, and his lack of action inevitably made it clear that he wasn’t, and that’s okay. I would have preferred him to tell me directly, but I can’t control what people do, only how I react to these things.

Oh we also talked about how forgetful and absent minded I can be sometimes (breaking a glass plate in my own hand, forgetting my wallet at home etc.) and she noted that I need to not get lost in my thoughts when I’m performing an action of sorts, such as getting ready or preparing something etc. I have to be more mindful and cultivate that mindfulness into a habit.

Ultimately, she said that if there’s one main thing she wants me to take from the session, it’s this: to not deny, overlook, or brush off my personal needs. I need to listen to myself and ask myself what I need or want, from time to time. That is not weakness.

I felt so amazingly centered after this session, and I left the office with a light heart.

So much introspection!!! I realized so much about myself yesterday, and in turn I’m hoping that this new awareness of these thought-patterns can help me to catch myself as they happen, and ultimately eradicate them.

I will never be able to truly connect with my coworkers if I’m constantly second-guessing everything I say and saying everything I think they want to hear. And more than that, it takes away from who I am as a person. I have plenty to offer, regardless of my age. And ultimately, I shouldn’t need validation from these relationships – I genuinely like and care about these women, but they’re only human too.

I promise to myself that I will work on being as consciously aware as possible, not to second-guess myself but to catch myself when I start to, in order to stop it in its tracks.

Speaking of my coworkers – yesterday also opened my eyes to how much toxicity is in that department, and I actually left my shift with a lower vibration than I did going into it. It was mind-blowing to realize.

There’s so much negativity and chaos of energy swirling around the department – angry stares, shit-talking, misunderstanding, lack of awareness, the inability to connect. I listened to people vent yesterday in an effort to help, but the “venting” is literally shit-talking and truth-bending and I found that I simply couldn’t contribute to the conversation because I had nothing to say! I didn’t want to say anything – I didn’t want to take sides, I didn’t want to get involved, I didn’t want to know who was “right” or “wrong” because the entire situation was full of pointless and endless drama.

There’s an old part of me that’s afraid that I won’t be able to talk to anyone, now that I know I don’t want to be a part of these conversations and that these conversations make up 90% of what’s talked about on the floor. But ultimately, I have to protect my own energy and it’s a good thing that I am now aware of how much negativity is in that place. I don’t want to add to it, or be a part of it.

I want those rare moments where everyone’s energy is in a good place and we discuss topics outside of our workplace, such as travel or self-improvement or lessons that everyone has collected along the way of their own personal journeys. Those are conversations I can allow myself to be a part of, to learn from.

And another thing I’m slowly realizing – my own self-realization and introspection is going to make people uncomfortable, if they don’t have it or understand it or want it for themselves. People become defensive when they come across aspects that either challenge what they know of themselves or make them unconsciously realize what they may be lacking in themselves. If people aren’t open-minded to change, growth, or allowing themselves to see situations in a different perspective, then defensiveness and anger will always be their first reaction and go-to defence mechanism. After all, we’ve been programmed to fear what we do not know or understand, right?

I would love to have everyone I know or have met in this life have this level of clarity, this frequency of vibration, and this awareness. It’s life-changing. But, I can’t force it on anyone, I can’t teach it to those who actively choose to remain in their bubble. I have to remember that. But, like that moment at Starbucks when that girl asked me about my book, there will be people who I find or find me, that are ready and seeking this awareness. And that’s all I can really hope for.

Anyways, that’s about everything I wanted to write about today. The battle of my self continues onwards; every day I wake up with renewed energy and the desire to reclaim my mind, to become the “watcher” of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve been meditating every single day for two weeks. The moments in which my mind goes quiet are beginning to get longer. Every day I learn new ways to bring my awareness back into the present moment.

I look forward to what’s to come while being here, in this moment. There is no moment like the Now.

I’m also looking forward to these next two days, LOL. The basketball game is finally tomorrow! And the hockey game right after. I’m so, so excited! It’s about time I have some good fun and get out of my work-school routine.

I’ll write tomorrow when I find a moment!

But before I go, I must say – thank you, Universe. I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. I look forward to continuing to learn all I that I can, whilst conspiring with You to manifest my deepest dreams and my ultimate destiny.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 320 – November 16th, 2017

Okay, I’m on a bit of a time crunch because it’s late and I have an appointment with my counsellor early tomorrow morning that I got to wake up for. But, I simply can’t sleep without writing down the HUGE synchronicity that I experienced today, because it was astoundingly beautiful.

Before my work shift today, I decided to get some Starbucks so that I would have energy throughout the duration of my shift. When I look back at how everything played out now, it’s so amazing to see how literally every single moment happened exactly as it was meant to, in order for this moment to manifest.

Even the smallest of occurrences: as I was searching for tables to sit at, one cleared up but an older couple managed to snag it before I could. However, this left a single stool available for me to sit at, next to another girl who was on the phone.

As I settled into that stool, I overheard snippets of the girl’s conversation; she seemed to be super on edge, and she was venting to whomever was on the other side of the phone call about something or other.

I began to read my book (currently delving into “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle), and paid no more attention to her conversation.

Within a couple moments however, I felt her trying to get my attention.

I looked up from my book, as friendly as you please. And to my delight, she asked me what my book was about and how it was helping me, if it was.

I was more than happy to explain: so far, “The Power of Now” has been outlining how one should separate themselves from the incessant stream of thoughts that we tend to identify with, and that a lot of our unhappiness and discontent stems from our inability to live in the present moment.

I also recommended “The Untethered Soul” to her, because she spoke on how she felt she was in a place in her life where stress was ruling her. I mentioned how that particular book touched upon letting anger pass through you, as opposed to holding onto it, and we both laughed because she said that sounded like exactly what she needed to read.

I was so, so happy. I told her that exactly one year ago, I was in the same place that she was, seeking guidance externally in order to heal myself internally. I was more than happy to recommend those books to her, the same way that other people have recommended these books to me, and changed my life.

But this beautiful synchronicity didn’t just end here.

After a couple moments, I went back to my book and I noticed that a gentleman sat on the other side of this girl and that they began conversing. Once again, I began to tune out to read, but then I overheard the gentleman say something that immediately piqued my curiosity:

“…and I was dead for 35 minutes.”

I immediately looked up from my book once more, to listen to what this man was saying. And this was his story:

He had been playing basketball with his friends when he had a sudden and severe heart failure. His friends and teammates immediately began performing CPR on him, for approximately 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived. But it was taking so long that even his teammates got to the point where they were about to accept that he was gone, and stop trying. “He’s dead”, they even said.

Once the paramedics arrived, they began to use the electronic defibrillator on him, hoping to jumpstart his heart once again. They made sure he was still receiving oxygen to his brain (because without it, there could have been severe brain damage). After two shocks, there was still nothing. But… the paramedic gave it one last try. The gentleman’s body lifted up off of the ground at this shock, and a pulse suddenly became felt.

This man was in a coma for about two weeks, and then he finally woke up. And when he did, he did have a bit of damage to his brain; while his long-term memories were still intact, his short-term memories weren’t doing so well. For example, if he were to meet someone and talk to them for a while to tell them a story and they left the room and came back, he wouldn’t have remembered meeting OR talking to them, and would re-introduce himself and tell the same story over again.

Eventually over time, his memory improved, but he still experienced moments where he would do something and five minutes later there would be a gap in his memory because he’d forget what he’d just done.

When the conversation between the girl and this man seemed to be at a pause, I couldn’t help but lean over to ask the gentleman a question: how did his experience change his perspective on life? What was different?

The man chuckled lightly. I know it was a weighty question: what wouldn’t change when someone had a brush that deep with death!? But I had to ask.

He explained that he realized to not sweat the small stuff: to not stress over things that were not in his control.

At this point, the girl sitting in between us exasperatedly asked how this was possible, to “not stress”.

Both the gentleman and I myself had the same answer: “everything is a choice”.

We both explained to her that every reaction we have is a choice. Our perceptions are a choice. Our judgements, our decisions, all choices. The man gave an example: before his experience, he used to have a lot of “road rage”. Afterwards, he could easily sit in traffic and not be bothered whatsoever because he could actively make the choice to not react, to not stress.

When we realize that absolutely everything is a choice and that we are, in fact, in control of ourselves, then we can begin to consciously change our habits.

The girl sitting in between the gentleman and I was in awe: she commented on how it was amazing that she was sitting in between the two of us, me with my book and that gentleman with what he experienced.

I explained that there was no such thing as coincidence: the girl was obviously at a time in her life where she was seeking guidance from the universe, and that is why she sat where she sat when she did. Her intentions were manifesting. It was no coincidence the way things played out so that I’d end up sitting right beside her, with the very book I was reading, at that very moment. Same goes for that gentleman.

The gentleman introduced himself to us, his name was Lloyd. And then the girl turned to me and asked for my name which, I gave. And then I asked for hers. And when she told me, it was finally my turn to be shook.

Her name was Olivia – my sister’s name.

Olivia is at the same point in her life right now, where she is seeking external guidance in order to begin healing herself internally. She’s also turning to herself for once, in order to improve and uplift her current state of being.

I was completely in awe of this synchronicity.

I wanted to stay and keep talking to them both, but my time was up; it was time for me to head to work, so I knew my part in that moment had been completed and it was time for me to go.

WOW. Wow. I’m honestly so in awe of this universe. So completely thankful that I get to experience moments like these. Truly, we are infinite. We are boundless, limitless energy and potential.

Anyways, that’s the moment I wanted to document for today. But, I do have so, so much I need to catch up on in regards to myself; I still have to talk about the conversation with Elizabeth. I also have to talk about how Dylan and I spoke briefly, recently, about how he’s coming back to work next week, and my thoughts on that.

I’m also going to have to write about my appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. And then I have an amazing weekend coming up: the basketball game with my best friends, and then the hockey game right after.

No matter what, I have to, HAVE TO make time for these logs!!! It’s so important to stay up to date and connected with myself. Hopefully, I’ll find a quiet moment tomorrow, in between all of my obligations.

I know I should be focusing more on the beauty of my present moments, but I can’t help but be excited for all that is to come.

Anyways, off to bed I go!

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 318 + 319 – November 14th & 15th, 2017

HELLO!!!!!!!!

I AM HIGH ON LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Okay, let me dial it back a bit. And explain.

Basically. I went over to visit my cousin Anne yesterday in Oshawa, spontaneously. And it was EXACTLY what I didn’t even know I needed!

Anne lives with this girl named Reina, and this girl… she’s WOKE. Like, fully conscious, present, aware and mindful as hell. She is exactly what I would like to become, where I want to end up and keep progressing towards. Her aura, literally simply being around her energy replenishes your own. I asked her a whole bunch of questions to gain insight on certain topics and it was absolutely amazing. It was just like talking to Sanjeev on that summer night.

There’s something so compelling about speaking to someone who has learnt how to control their mind, who is aware of everything both externally and internally.

Anyways, we woke up before sunrise this morning to do some yoga. It was my first time, and man it wasn’t easy! But I pushed through as much as I could and ended up genuinely enjoying it. It was simultaneously invigorating yet relaxing. We did the yoga as the sun rose, and it was such an incredible experience. After that, we meditated for half an hour, and after that, we did a full on intensive work-out for another hour. Safe to say, this morning was fucking kick-ass LMAO.

I felt like a straight up goddess, invincible. My body feels so, so good, and as a result so does my mind and my energy. In fact, my energy is super high right now! (Hence the all caps greeting at the start of this log LOL).

I’m so absolutely proud of myself for making the most of my time and making time for me. It’s so important to keep up and invoke these amazing new habits because I know there will be a spill-over effect that will influence and better every other aspect of my life in a beautifully positive way.

I feel so centered. I need to keep doing these things in order to stay centered. And now more than ever, I am so determined to master my thoughts and separate myself from the incessant internal dialogue of my mind. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am the consciousness behind all of that, experiencing and watching in the center of my being.

I am the stillness in between those thoughts. I am the quiet moments in meditation. I am infinite, boundless potential energy. I am of the universe and the universe is of me.

All that matters is that I keep striving upward into this knowledge until it becomes my first nature. I am fostering new habits to eradicate the old.

This experience has jump-started my desire to make the most of my time even more! I want to get back to drawing, because it was in doing the things that I loved that my mind truly went still – when I was painting my wall during the summer, I can now look back in retrospect and see how quiet my mind truly became. I have to buy incense to enhance my meditation sessions, I want to increase the amount of times and time I spend meditating per day from once a day before I sleep to half hour sessions every morning and night. I want to wake up even earlier than the time I’ve set for myself because there’s honestly so much that can be done while I’m awake – why waste even a moment more than necessary for sleep!? I want to exercise even more intensely and for longer periods and see how far I can take my body and my health and fitness.

I want to go to Oshawa to do yoga with the girls at least once a week, if I can manage. I have this feeling that yoga could truly transform my body and mind if I stick with it.

Reina told me that in order to make mindfulness my first nature, I must be mindful of every single thing that I do, and in every moment I experience. No more watching shows while I eat – I must be present through every mouthful, every chew, every swallow. No more listening to music while I do my makeup – makeup is something I love to do and I can turn even that into a form of meditation if I solely choose to be present and mindful as I do it.

Eventually, I will be able to catch myself getting lost in my thoughts so quickly that I no longer get lost in them at all. Soon, I will be in control of them, not the other way around. I will use them to better myself, to maintain my clarity. I will not allow them to keep me in the past or live in fear of the future. And I am SO EXCITED to get to this point, because I know I will.

Anyways, I just wanted to write that down real quick. Mom and Olivia are watching a rom-com in the living room and although I am buzzing with energy and I want to start drawing and I want to read and I want to continue this for as long as I can because I’ve missed writing to myself (even though it’s only been a day), I think I should spend some quality time with them because I don’t get to often.

So, until tomorrow!

Here’s to… life! The universe. The infinite possibilities that exist just beyond the reach of my fingertips… that will soon be within my grasp.

Love always,

Me.

Day 316 + 317 – November 12th & 13th, 2017

Hi, hi! Yesterday ended up being a little bit busier than I expected with work and my impromptu shopping spree, LOL. But nonetheless, missing only a day of writing is a lot better than missing four, that’s for sure.

I’m going to keep this log short and sweet because I want to shower, get ready for work, and then leave early to run a couple errands before my shift! I love that I don’t have class on Monday’s, because having class on Friday’s usually means a nice quiet campus, and I’m sure Monday’s are jam-packed too. Plus, extended weekend! Well, kind of. Working throughout the weekend kind of makes the weekdays feel like my weekend, if that makes sense.

I’m really happy for Olivia these days because she recently went through a huge breakdown that resulted in her facing some of her biggest demons, and realizing her true desire to be the person she once was, while moving forward into the person she would like to become. I’m truly hoping that this big epiphany-moment will last, will stick, will carry her forward into a lasting and consistent momentum.

I still have to address how the meeting with Elizabeth went, as well as talk about my most recent driving lesson – it actually went pretty well, overall!!!! I’m slowly getting used to driving, and moving past my fear with every lesson. Even my driving instructor commented on how I seem to be improving, LOL. I drove through downtown! Even saying that out loud to my parents, I could barely believe it myself. But I did it!

I have another lesson this Wednesday. I wonder where I’ll go next, LOL. I’m hoping that I’ll keep getting better with every lesson, and soon the fear will turn into a genuine enjoyment of driving.

Anyways, I can’t wait to get through this week because this weekend is looking to be hella fun – I’m going to the basketball game with Leila and Avery, then a hockey game with Rose the next day!!!! I can’t wait to go to my first ever sports games with the people I love. I haven’t had much of a social life this entire month so far, so it’ll be a nice break.

That’s about it for today! I worked out this morning, I’m going to meditate tonight (as I have been for the past week straight), and I’m definitely making sure that I’m taking care of and making time for me. I’m happy.

Looking forward to doing a more in depth log when I get the chance! Possibly tomorrow, I think I’ll have time.

Until then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 313, 314, 315 – November 9th, 10th, & 11th, 2017

Hello! So I kind of fell off the wagon in terms of my writing, the day before yesterday (mostly because I was taking a me-day that resulted in me going straight to sleep, LOL). But it’s okay! I’ve been doing well for the most part and it’s the weekend now so, I do have some time to write.

So let’s see… I left off on Thursday, the 9th.

It was a good day, first of all. It got a little weird towards the end, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Here’s how the day went:

Nick ended up messaging me earlier in the morning saying that he was on his own and suggested I come by earlier than my class to hang out, so I was like eh, why not.

I got to school about an hour earlier than my class, and then made my way over to where he was tabling.

It was actually really nice to see him! He said hi, and then got up to hug me, and mentioned to his co-tabling partner (who was his boss), that I was his friend. He made me sign up (or more accurately, I signed up to help out LOL) and then let me know he’d be done soon and that we should grab coffee, to which I agreed.

After a while, he met up with me at the Student Center and we made our way over to Starbucks, catching up the whole way. He’s doing really well for himself – he’d just started at his Sick Kids position the day before, and was about to start his CAMH position that same day. He also mentioned that he’s still going to be keeping his St Joseph’s hospital position, and is also hoping to get a fourth position at Sunnybrook hospital as well.

I’m actually really proud and super impressed! He’s keeping busy, and not only that, he’s also landed some incredible internship positions at some seriously prestigious organizations. He wants to pursue a Master’s in Health Admin by next year, and honestly with the amount of experience he’s getting within this year alone, for sure it won’t be difficult for him to land a job either during or directly after his Master’s program.

I was, and am, really happy for him. He’s come really far in this past year and I’m glad that all of his hard work is paying off.

Anyways, we ended up grabbing coffee really quickly but we didn’t get a chance to sit and talk because he had to go grab his parking pass and then skedaddle off to downtown to his first shift at CAMH. So I walked with him back to Vari, where we ran into Dana. They ended up catching up a bit but it ended up going on for a little while (I was dying of laughter because this was the first time that they’d seen each other since the whole “stalker” incident). But because of that, he ended up running a little late and had to jet off to find his car.

I walked with him to the parking lot because we were still catching up, but then I bid adieu because I could tell he was getting a little frazzled with the idea of how late he was about to be, on his first day no less. So he gave me a quick hug, and then ran off to find his car.

And that was that!

Honestly, it felt super easy to just walk around and talk and catch up, no weirdness at all! We even joked around a little bit, which was nice.

Anyways, after that I had the whole rest of the day to myself because for once, I wasn’t scheduled for Thursday to work. So I went home and I decided to just relax, because I hadn’t had a day to myself in quite some time.

But then, I had a brilliant idea. Since I was going to be home alone for the rest of the day, I decided to try eating the last gram of shrooms and then smoke a little bit after to see how it would affect/enhance the high.

It. Was. Awesome.

Once the high actually set in, I felt AMAZING. Like, better than just the shrooms on their own. I decided to try meditating, so I sat in front of my window in my room, opened it all the way, and closed my eyes.

Usually, it takes about a couple minutes for me to get into that mode where I feel as though I’m moving upwards out of my body. But this time? The second I closed my eyes, I immediately felt myself shoot upwards, no holds barred. But I didn’t just stop there. I think because I had no fear, I was able to let myself go up and into this experience to see where it would take me. And it was absolutely… transcendent.

I was flying up into the sky, I could see brilliants swirls of indigo and purple, and brightly lit stars and cosmos and I legitimately felt one with the universe. I know that this sounds totally loopy but, it honestly felt amazing.

And the breeze coming through my window just enhanced the experience, it made me actually feel as though I were physically and spiritually flying upwards into the sky.

After that quick session, I realized that I was in the right mode to try to chakra-meditation that Kash had repeatedly asked me whether I’d tried or not.

Basically, the guided meditation led me through clearing and opening each of my chakras. The root chakra, sacral chakra, solar plexus chakra, heart chakra, throat chakra, third eye chakra and the crown chakra. It was amazing – as I followed the guided meditation, I could actually see the bright colours of each of my chakras as they cleared and opened. I could clearly visualize the gentle golden light energy that was moving upwards through my spirit as I let go of all the energy that no longer served me.

Anyways, long story short, it was an incredible experience. I’m surprised that I can remember all of it in such vivid detail, LOL!

I’ve been meditating every single night for the past week, and I’m beginning to see the difference in my days now; not only do I immediately fall asleep with no problem, I’m also beginning to remember my dreams more vividly. I’m also more centered throughout the day, becoming more aware of my thoughts and feelings, as well as my breathing. I can’t wait to see the difference that a month of meditating every day will have.

Back to Thursday – after the meditations, I settled into my couch under my heated blanket to watch the second season of Stranger Things and man. I was as happy as a warm little kitten sleeping in a ray of sun.

And Leila called me! It was so nice to hear her voice and catch up with her, I miss her a lot. I can’t wait to see her soon, once we go to the basketball game for Avery’s birthday! I miss them both actually. I miss human contact! I miss having a social life and going out and doing things and hanging out. I never realized how school/work prioritized my life had become lately. But I guess this is all a part of being an adult, and learning how to balance everything.

As I was watching Stranger Things, Nick messaged me apologizing for running off so quickly and also said that it was nice to see me. I agreed, it was nice to catch up! And honestly, I was just about to say that he and I should hang out sometime and catch up for real. But then, things got a little… weird?

I thought maybe it was just me because of the state that I had been in while we were messaging. But then when I read it the next day, the vibe still sounded weird.

Basically, I was talking about my birthday, and then he asked why he wasn’t invited. I thought at first he’d been joking because he said he’d gotten a gift and it was in his trunk, and stuff like that. So for sure, I thought it was a joke and I laughed along and said it was a small thing and that’s why.

Well, he said he hadn’t bought a gift and didn’t actually want to come, but he did want to know why he wasn’t invited. And then I mused that it would have been awkward if he’d come, (not for me but for him, I assume). And all he said was “sure”, rather passive-aggressively, (and a “k” before that).

Here’s the thing though. I get it, we’re friends, and I’m glad that we are. But no, I didn’t think about inviting him to my birthday. My family was there, along with my closest friends. Even if we’re friends, we’re also exes as well. We’re still learning how to navigate through this friendship, especially given the circumstances. I wouldn’t have expected him to invite me to his birthday because our lives have gone in different directions now, and realistically it just wouldn’t have made sense. The same reason why I declined working for his family at their restaurant – it just wasn’t a good idea, we have way too much history for me to do something like that.

So no, I wasn’t about to apologize for something I didn’t need to apologize for, nor was I going to act like I’d even considered asking him to come at all. I’m not saying this meanly or bitterly, at all – I definitely want to be friends but this is the first time I’ve ever attempted this kind of friendship! I’m still learning as I go, and again I’m finding myself in unchartered territory. I genuinely don’t understand why he’d think I’d have invited him to my birthday. But, when I try to put myself in his shoes, the only thing I can come up with is that he thinks that we’re closer friends than I perceive us to be. The only way that this kind of situation can arise is through an imbalance or differing perspectives.

Anyways, I let the conversation be after that and I figured that he’d message me in a day or two’s time as though it hadn’t happened, which was exactly what happened in the summer when a similar situation like this occurred. And, I was right (he messaged last night about a completely different topic).

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I care, but I’m not going to blame myself or feel guilty for things that I shouldn’t feel guilty for. It just doesn’t make sense and there’s no point. I won’t chase anyone either. I don’t have the time and my energy is much too important to me to expend it chasing after people.

A big lesson I’ve learnt within this year can be applied to this: “people/situations will always be out of your control – what you can control, however, is the ways in which you choose to react to them.”

So, I choose to breathe it out and let it go. If he wants to have a good and proper conversation on the expectations he has towards our friendship, I’ll be here for that. But I’m not here for the passive-aggressive defence mechanisms.

Anyways, I’ve got to start getting ready for work soon! I start at 4 but I have a driving lesson beforehand, and I think I’ll be driving there. Sigh. Got to do what I got to do!

I still have to cover how yesterday was though – yesterday morning, Olivia and I met with Elizabeth, my mom’s boss/good friend, after years of not really speaking, and it went really well.

Maybe after work today, I’ll continue this! But if not, I’ll definitely finish up tomorrow.

Wish me luck on my driving lesson! Proud of me for sticking through this, that’s for sure.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 312 – November 8th, 2017

Hello! Yesterday’s log was so great! Full of awareness and mindfulness. As a result of all that introspection, I actually woke up today with a lot more mental and emotional clarity! I understand that if I want to make changes in my life in regards to my thought patterns and emotional tendencies, I’m going to have to rewire my old thought processes and cultivate newer habits, such as mindfulness.

Today was a good productive day too – I ended up doing a driving lesson after almost two months of avoiding them! It was an interesting synchronicity actually; yesterday while I was checking the mail, I saw that CAA had sent me a membership promotion which in the moment seemed ridiculously random. What the hell am I going to do with a CAA membership with no car and no license!? LOL. And then earlier this morning, I caught myself vaguely thinking about how I couldn’t wait to be able to drive so that I could take people to my own favourite places to eat or hang out.

Literally moments later, the uncle called and asked if I was available for a lesson. I hesitated – I really, really didn’t want to. But, I pushed through and forced myself to say yes because I knew that it was part of the universe’s intent for me today.

And overall, it went pretty well! I need to be more patient with myself for sure because it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of practise until I’m actually comfortable with it all (anything more than 30 km/h still feels super-fast to me, sigh). I really have to rewire my thoughts and perceptions of it too – time and time again I consistently catch myself thinking how much I hate driving and how much I don’t want to do it. Well, those thoughts aren’t going to do me any good because I literally have no choice but to learn how to drive – it’s vital to my independence and consequent freedom in the future. So, every time I catch myself saying “I don’t want to do this”, I’m going to try and counter with some positivity.

Like how nice it’ll be one day to do nice long drives down empty roads full of beautiful scenery, out of the city. I would love that. But, the only way I’m ever going to be able to do nice things like that is by getting through these lessons and practising as much as I can until I am confident.

I know I can do this. One day this fear will dissipate and become a consistent vigilance, awareness and hopefully one day, enjoyment.

Anyways, that was my morning! And then I had my full day of classes, and here I am now.

I’m already beginning to feel sleepy! I wonder if it’s a result of consistently waking up at 8 am now, as I have been all week. (So proud of myself!)

I don’t really have much to add today, I suppose. Oh right, the concerns about my mom I mentioned in yesterday’s log!

My mom went to her appointment at the women’s center but apparently she felt uncomfortable because the place looked sketchy? She joked and said that they seem to need help, not her. Sigh.

What my mom needs is a mental and emotional rewiring as well, with a professional who can help her to do so. My mom is stressing herself out because she legitimately doesn’t know any differently, or any better.

I’m hoping she’ll go back to her family doctor and they can recommend someone of a higher standing to her instead. She seems to be doing okay so far, so that’s good. I think whatever I ended up saying to her that night kind of helped somehow.

Deep down I know that everything will end up okay. It’s just a little stressful sometimes, when the big blow-ups happen and we all don’t know how to deal.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that.

Tomorrow I’ve got school and I asked Maria to take away a shift, so I have another day off tomorrow! And since I only have the one class, I’ll also have the afternoon off too! That’ll be a nice way to rest and relax before yet another crazy work weekend.

And tomorrow… tomorrow I’ll most likely be seeing Nick, after like five months. I know it’s probably just going to be a simple “hey, how are you” and small catch up kind of thing, realistically. And that’s fine. I knew the universe would only let us run into each other again when we were good and ready, both moved on in life and in different places, settled with the state of what we’ve become.

It is what it is! I’m just glad we’ll get a chance to see each other, say hi and whatnot. I’m glad that we can be friends. There’ll probably always be that tiny little part of me that misses the… “passionate stuffs”. We had it really, really good. But that’s long gone now, along with whatever our relationship used to be so… I might as well store those memories back in the dusty boxes they belong to, in the back of my mind.

I keep thinking about how excited I am for the end of this month!!!! I’m going to be going to my first ever basketball game, and then my first ever hockey game the next day!!!!! And then a week later, it’s going to be our department holiday party and I can’t wait to dress up and have fun with my coworkers. November is looking to be a great month!

Another thing I can’t wait for. One day, towards the end of December, I’m going to read this entire log from start to finish, every single word. No skimming, no skipping. I’m going to re-live every thought and experience and lesson I learnt this year, It should be super interesting to see all the ways I’ve grown, and the ways I have yet to grow into.

275, 598. Two hundred and seventy five thousand, five hundred and ninety-eight words of my life in this year so far, all captured from beginning to now. Wow. I’m so glad I did this for myself.

Anyways, it’s starting to get late now and I’ve got to meditate before I head to bed.

I just wanted to say… thank you, Universe. Just because. I am grateful, always, for everything.

Until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 311 – November 7th, 2017

Hello! So I’m currently sitting at Starbucks, killing some time before I go to work. I just finished class, and I had a pretty good morning because I worked out for half an hour, as I intended to. And last night I meditated, as planned. So far, I’m definitely taking care of my well-being as I have meant to.

This book I’m reading… it’s continuously working to keep me centered, making me realize things on a constant basis. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And unfortunately, I’ve only got 10 minutes before my work shift starts, and that’s definitely not enough time to write down all of my realizations.

So, I’ll definitely write tonight after work, no matter how tired I may be. I have to write about my realizations about “detachment to the outcome”, remaining directly in the center of the “river”, the way my ego has blocked the clarity and purity of my intentions, and ultimately.. I need to figure out what I’m left with, in regards to what I want. Until later then!

Alright I’m back! I’m currently lying in bed after yet another long day. It just occurred to me that with today’s shift, I’ll have worked 6 days in a row. It doesn’t feel that way, but I’ve done 40 hours of work in the past 6 days, HOLY CRAP. Especially because I pulled some double shifts here and there throughout this weekend.

I don’t feel overtly exhausted though! I’ve been meditating, sleeping on time, working out in the morning, making the most of my days. But man, 40 hours in six days… that’s crazy. I’m glad I’m doing something I love and that most days, it feels like I’m just hanging out with friends LOL! Like today’s shift, it was so dead that we spent most of it just talking and laughing and legit, just chilling. So some days, it doesn’t actually feel like work.

$20 dollars an hour to hang out, spend time with people I love and sell fragrances here and there? Man. I’ve lucked out. I’m so happy and so grateful to be where I am, right now. In school, finally knowing what I want, and I have a great part time job to save money along the way (if I could just nail my spending habits down. LOL.)

Anyways, back to my thoughts. (Which, I must remind myself, are fleeting and not factual. Writing them down does give them substance, but I acknowledge that I will not attribute any more weight to them than necessary.)

The book I’m reading right now explains how you can set an intent, but you must be detached to the outcome as to not have your ego get in the way of the purity and clarity of your intentions. The ego will always focus on attaining things quickly, attach pain or pleasure to the outcome and the overall circumstances of the intention.

My ego is my problem. My ego, or the “voice in my head”, or the way I perceive the events in my life – it’s a lot of “me, I, mine”. I victimize myself a lot, rather than taking responsibility for my choices or my emotions. But I’m not saying this in a self-degrading or callous manner – rather, a tone in which I’m saying I’m aware of these things and I would like for them to change.

Somewhere along the way, self-preservation became essential to me for some reason. The idea of protecting myself from pain, the idea of caring deeply of how the people I care about perceive me and my intentions. Which led to a lot of fear and anxiety. But now, I would like to face these things head on, get to the root nature of why they occur, become aware of these thought patterns and then consequently eradicate them from my life by catching them and replacing them with a stream of more positive thinking.

Which brings me to the “middle of the river” metaphor. The book says that in order to live a peaceful, content and even happy life, one must flow along the river of life directly in the center of the riverbanks. Each side is either pain, or pleasure – getting too close, attached, or even avoidant of either creates the possibility of running aground, hindering your flow in life.

Which reminded me of Sanjeev’s “parallel” metaphor – he said exactly the same thing to me!!! You have to find the middle ground, the direct in-between.

And here lies yet another one of my problems. I become too attached to way too many things – people, outcomes of situations (mostly imagined in my head), people’s opinions of me, their perceptions of me. And then, when I try to detach myself, it’s not a healthy kind of detachment – it’s a bitter, “salty”, “I don’t care” kind of detachment that is rooted in that pesky self-preservation again – the intent to protect myself from pain!

Hm.

Consequently, I believe I live way too much in my head and my thoughts and emotions. One minute I’m centered, detached in a healthy way, and the next I’m idly wondering if I pissed someone off if they’re not talking to me like they normally do. It’s all very “me-oriented” and I don’t want that mentality, I don’t. The world doesn’t revolve around me. People have their own lives and narratives and thoughts and emotions to deal with.

I’m happy with myself, aren’t I? I know I’m a good person. I have good intentions. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I’ve made great strides in loving myself this year. I’m very content with the person I am becoming. I am happy with my own company. So why is it that I care so deeply about what the people I care about think of me? Shouldn’t my character, consequent actions and intent speak for itself? Doesn’t it?

I shouldn’t have anything to prove to anyone, but myself. I don’t owe anyone anything. And ultimately, no one owes me anything either.

I cannot and will not live my life dictated by the fear of how other people perceive me, even if it’s the people I care about. If they’re meant to be in my life, if they truly care about me and know me and know who I am as a person, then that should be enough. I won’t have to prove anything to anyone, nor should I have to act a certain way to gain anyone’s approval.

So yeah. I care hard. I laugh a lot, at everything, easily. I’m weird as hell and I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m adventurous and spontaneous and I want to explore every corner of this earth. I want to genuinely help people, reach out to as many people as I can in some way, because I know how it feels to hurt and this life is too beautiful to not see the beauty in it. I have to be me, unapologetically, no matter who goes or who stays. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Back to my attachments. I have to stay in the middle of that river. No trying to actively avoid pain due to fear, no blindly chasing after what I assume will bring me pleasure. No attachments to the possible outcome of any situation I find myself in, no strong reactions that are “out of my control”. Lighting one tree of emotion can set off a tumultuous forest fire of thoughts.

I just want to be connected with the universe, and let it guide me. I want to be connected to that “non-local intelligence”, that infinite wisdom, that awareness that clear intent stems from. I promise to meditate every day if I can, to “let go” as healthily as possible, to be mindfully aware of my thoughts to the point that positive thinking is my first nature. I am the experiencer, I am not the voice in my head. I am the being and consciousness behind this experience, the soul that sees through these eyes.

Anyways, it’s getting late now and I’d like to get some rest. I’ll write tomorrow, either before my day of school or after class in the evening! I have to address some concerns I have regarding my mom, so this is my reminder to do so. I’m going to meditate now before I sleep, so until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.