Day 257 to 261 – September 14th to 18th, 2018

As of today, there’s officially one more month until my birthday!!!! Wow, 26. I’m turning 26. I’m leaving behind the cushy comfort of my early and mid-twenties and barreling forwards towards my… thirties. It sounds like such a foreign concept to me, to think that by next year it’ll have been nine years since I’ve graduated high school. I’m so incredibly excited for what lies in store for me though! 25 has been so incredibly good to me – there have been a multitude of lessons, of memories, of good times and laughter. But I’ll save the reminiscing for the day before my birthday, as I normally do.

I feel like this October is going to be one of the best months, not only of this year but of my entire life. It’s that same anticipatory feeling I got at the beginning of this year, that feeling that made me know that this year was going to be this amazing. I can’t explain it – it’s just something I know. I’m so incredibly excited for it all!

I’ve started re-reading The Alchemist today. Adrian gave it back to me yesterday, and I just felt like it finally found its way back to me for a reason. Maybe to remind me of something I’ve lost, or to help me remember something I’ve known all along. We’ll see.

Lately I’ve only been writing when I feel like I’m in dire need of it, but today I had some time and I decided I wanted to write for the heck of it, just the way that I used to.

So how have things been? How have I been?

Everything has been really good honestly! Work isn’t overwhelming me the way a small part of me thought it would, and I’m finding more ways to have time to myself. I’m still doing my best to keep up with everyone in my life, and at the same time making sure that I have time for me.

I meditated for the first time in a long time last night, and it felt AMAZING. I need to start doing that regularly again, in order to sharpen my intuition and manifest my reality that much more quickly and efficiently.

Anyways, I think that’s about it I want to write for tonight! I’m just going to relax and unwind because tomorrow is bound to be a busy day.

May this last month of being 25 be just as incredible as this year has been to me. I’m sure it will be!

Love always,

Me.

Day 249 to 256 – September 6th to 13th, 2018

Hello! It’s been quite a little while since I’ve written last, but you know what I was thinking actually? I haven’t really written this year as much as I did last year, interestingly enough. I feel like it’s a good thing though, like I made note of the most important things that have happened and all the little ways in which I’ve grown within this past year.

It’s gotten so busy! I forgot how time-consuming it is to juggle school and working almost full-time on top of everything else I do for myself. I mean, it hasn’t become overwhelming or anything (little voice in my head sneakily says “yet”) but so far, so good. In fact, it feels nice to be this busy sometimes – the days pass by quicker and they feel more full, and it’s also teaching me on the fly how to manage my time better. Because if I don’t, then I’m going to end up feeling like I don’t have enough of it, when really I do – it’s just a matter or budgeting it wisely.

I’ve taken up drawing again as an outlet! Every night after I come home from either work or school, I set aside an hour or so before I go to sleep to just listen to music, quiet my mind, and draw away. And I’ve also started bringing my book with me to school so that if I have any free time in between classes, I have something other to do than just watch Netflix, heh.

Here’s the thing though – I haven’t really had much time to start my book. It’s still there in my head, collecting dust and eagerly waiting to be brought to life. But I don’t know… for some reason, I can’t bring myself to really start. I want it to be a priority, but I have so much on my plate lately that I can’t give it the time it deserves. So what I want to do somehow, is cut down my hours at work just a bit more. On top of having school, trying to go to the gym time to time, drawing, writing when I can, spending time with people and keeping up with everyone in my life, I’d like more time to designate to my book because it’s very, very important to me.

I don’t like that work still feels like a focal point to me right now. It’s supposed to be a part time job, something that I do for temporary financial reasons while I focus on everything else in my life. I very much enjoy what I do there and I’m so grateful for the job, I just don’t want it to be the thing that takes up most of my time and energy when there’s so much else I have to and want to do for myself.

So when Maria gets back from vacation, I’ll give her a gentle nudge to remind her that I only want about 20 to 25 hours a week, rather than the 30-40 she’s still giving me. I can’t work full-time, do school full-time, maintain my relationship and friendships, take care of my overall well-being AND do the things I like to do for myself, all at once; I know my capacity and working full-time right now just can’t be a thing.

This week is the only exception – my whole team is going on their trip to Italy and Maria’s leaving me charge of the whole week they’re away, from sales to designating the rest of the team who’s staying behind with me for coverage. Basically, I’m taking over the counter manager position temporarily. I have to do it because out of everyone, I’m the one who’s been there the longest and who knows how things work. So the week’s $7000 dollar target is essentially reliant upon me and how well I can co-ordinate the rest of the team.

I’m not worried. I know the Universe has my back. I can’t control anything outside of me, only how I react and perceive things from within. I’m truly going to do the best I can do and put my leadership skills to use, but that’s about it. I’m not going to go above and beyond, nor am I going to take it upon myself or worry about the targets or anything of the sort. I know my priorities and I know what’s important to me. Ultimately, as long as I do my best, it doesn’t really matter what else ends up happening. Nevertheless, I have complete faith that absolutely everything will work out amazingly well, as everything has been for me since I’ve introduced The Secret into my life. The Universe is constantly looking out for me and having things work out in my favour. I need nothing more.

It feels really nice to write again. I forgot how soothing it is for me to do these self check-ins, I forget time and time again as life picks up its pace.

Maintaining perspective is an interesting thing. I know what I know, I’ve read what I’ve read, and yet as I go about my days I find myself having to constantly remind myself that this is all temporary (and possibly a simulation!!!) and that nothing matters as much as we make it out to matter. (Stressful things, worrisome things, fears and anxieties). The more I let go of my attachment to the unnecessary, the more at peace I find myself. Every exchange, every conversation and every interaction I have becomes a learning experience in itself as I observe myself more and more.

Everything is energy. I want to go where mine takes me, as I continuously learn to listen to my inner voice and deepest self. As time goes on though, I can feel “old me” becoming a distant memory – those ego-driven impulses and reactive patterns are steadily losing their potency as I actively work on re-wiring myself.

For example – Radha and I finally hung out since I’ve got back from vacation and at first, it seemed really nice! She apologized if it felt like she was continuing on about herself, and she seemed to be in a better place now than she was when we last hung out in August – much more go with the flow and open to the possibility of things rather than so attached to the process and outcome.

But then as we were walking back to her car, she said something that in retrospect could have easily thrown me off completely had I not been mindful about my reactions.

So she’s currently seeing a new guy, and things are going well thus far. And lately, I’ve been doing my best to consistently remind her to love herself and build herself up, encourage her. As we were walking, I mentioned to her that she looked great and guys were checking her out left and right.

And seemingly out of the blue, she suddenly mentioned that she’d shown a picture of me to the guy she’s seeing, and told him about how gorgeous I was. And then she said that he looked at me and went, “eh, she’s alright”. To which she replied to him, “why, is it because I’m prettier?”, and he replied back something along the lines about how I was “okay” but he much preferred her features over mine, or something like that.

At first, I actually didn’t know what to say. I quickly affirmed that she was indeed beautiful and didn’t need to doubt it and left it at that, but my mind was reeling honestly.

It hurt man! And no, not because of some irrelevant dude’s opinion which I couldn’t care less about. It hurt because Radha and I are supposed to be friends!!!! We’re supposed to be building each other up, encouraging each other and helping each other grow. I understand where it came from, I really do – I get that somewhere in her mind, she feels like she’s got to compare herself to me in some extent as a measure of personal success, but it’s also at my expense.

I’m very happy with myself and I love me deeply – but that doesn’t mean it’s cool to show some random dude my picture and then proceed to put me down in order to build yourself up. In any relationship, you pull each other through rather than race towards some invisible finish line that doesn’t exist.

I know she’s not doing it intentionally – in fact, I know she’s a really, really good person with absolutely amazing intentions and a kind soul. She wouldn’t hurt a fly if it didn’t bother her. But I also know that people who aren’t completely whole in themselves aren’t quite aware of the ways they use other people.

People who aren’t ready for relationships (namely people who don’t completely and wholly love themselves, who have taken the time to understand the inner mechanics of their minds and reactive patterns, people who don’t care to cultivate their thoughts and emotions to become self-aware, people who haven’t taken the proper measures to heal their past wounds for themselves) end up taking it out on their partner. They use their significant other as an emotional punching bag, sometimes without even realizing. But what they fail to realize is that by not taking the time to heal and love themselves, their latent pain is inevitably causing pain to those closest to them.

It’s like this quote I recently read: “if you don’t take the time to heal your past wounds, you will end up bleeding all over those who never cut you in the first place.”

Right now, Radha is kind of sort of bleeding on me without even realizing it. In her mind, there are some aspects of our friendship that are more so a competition than something we can build upon together.

If I wasn’t aware of this, if it were old me in this situation, I’d let it slide and inevitably end up building an unconscious resentment towards her. Instead, when the time is right, I’m going to talk to her about this as gently as I can. Sometimes people aren’t aware of the things they do or say or the effects they have on others until it’s pointed out to them. So, I want to act from a place of compassion and care and let her know that I’m here as a friend to encourage her to be her best self, and in turn she truly does not need to put me down or use me as a stepping stone in order to ensure her idea of self-appreciation and self-esteem.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that! Before I go, I’m going to conclude this on a nice high note and talk about the last time Adrian and I hung out, quite recently.

It had been awhile since he and I had hung out before that – I hadn’t seen him since our CNE date at the end of August, and we were well into September. I started school and was juggling work on top of it all, and he had back to back shifts and crazy hours that didn’t allow us an opportunity to see each other or even talk as much as we normally do.

I was beginning to let old doubts creep in again – my inner peace was disturbed as I began to imagine the worst. In retrospect it seems almost silly, but in those moments it was all I could think about (because I let myself lose control of my thoughts and consequently, my emotions). I began to even dread possibly seeing him next, fearing he didn’t want to hang out because he was potentially losing feelings.

(Side note – do you see how our minds can turn on us and become our worst enemies over practically nothing!?!?!?! Do you see how important it is to cultivate a steady stream of positive thinking, as well as be mindful of your thoughts? If you even let a single negative thought in, it’s like letting a spark catch on the edge of a forest – you’re sure to start a blaze hot enough to burn ALL the trees down. And who in their right mind wants to do that to themselves?!)

Fear is awful. It twists and turns even the most radical and ridiculous thoughts into ideas that seem almost real or tangible, when in reality they’re not. Fear is the monster in the closet, the toxic friend who pretends to have our best interests at heart when really, it just wants us to itself.

So how do you counter fear?

Faith. Faith, trust and love. Faith is the beam of light that illuminates even the darkest and unreachable corners of the closet. Trusting in the process is the hard conversation you have with that toxic friend that finally cuts ties with it. Love is the shield that protects you from thoughts and emotions that serve you no use – negative thoughts have nowhere to grow or spread when love is the frequency you operate on.

When we finally did end up making plans, I felt nervous that whole day. So instead of feeding my fears, I decided to feed my faith instead. I said openly to myself that I had complete faith in whatever was meant to be, and meant for me. I decided to trust in the process – so what if we hadn’t been texting as much lately? It didn’t matter, and I knew better than to hold stock in texting patterns or even content. What matters most to me is our in-person interactions, the ones where I can hear his voice and see the look in his eyes as he gazes as me.

And I chose love – I chose to remain vulnerable, to maintain the excited “tone” in my texts, even to come up with a little surprise for him instead of expecting the worst (an old defense mechanism I will no longer partake in).

Guess which side of me was right? Do you think my fears were valid at all? Or that I was right to have faith, to stay vulnerable, and trust the process?

If you picked the latter, you’re absolutely right. And ultimately, so was I.

Once we saw each other, all was well. It was exactly as it’s always been. In fact, in person he made a point of telling me how much he’d missed me and how amazing I looked. He ended up surprising me by taking me to his favourite Italian restaurant in another town, he’d even made a reservation for it. Everything I needed to know was in the way he looked at me. In fact, I could barely look his way because he was gazing at me so much that it made me nervous, heh.

We had an incredible night, and spent the majority of the next day together as well. We ended up in amazing conversations as per usual – but this time, I was making a point of being more vulnerable and more honest, challenging myself. I got to ask him a ton of questions I’ve been mulling over in my mind, about his family and about his mom passing from cancer, about his friendships and about his relationship with his dad. We talked about his deepest dreams for himself, and I opened up about the state of my own friendships too.

Later on when we were simply lying together and enjoying each other’s company, I pushed myself to be even more vulnerable than I was used to; I asked him if it ever freaked him out, how much it seemed like we’d known each other for so long even though it’d only been about five months of seeing one another. He replied that he was still mind-boggled by our similarities and the coincidences that surround us, and I agreed. But then I took it a step further and admitted that for what seemed like such a short time… I’d fallen for him quite a bit. “Like… a lot”, were the exact words I used, LOL.

At first it was quiet, and all I could hear was my heart racing into the silence. Then I felt him shift and sit up – he gently pulled me forward so that he could kiss me ever so sweetly, and then told me that he likes me a lot, too. It was a perfect heart-stopping magical moment that made me so, so incredibly happy.

It also proved to me how amazing and incredible it can be to be vulnerable with someone. We go about life with all these walls up, trying to protect ourselves from pain (yet another by-product of fear). But in actuality, the beauty of life, real intimacy, and the ability to truly connect with another soul comes from our capacity to be vulnerable. Chances are if we’re the first to let our walls down, the other person’s walls come down too. (And even if they don’t that’s okay, because lowering your own walls is a sign of personal strength and all we’re really trying to do in this life is be our best selves, right?)

Anyways, as a result I’m so much more at peace with pretty much every aspect of my life now. He openly admitted he’s a horrible texter – he’s got messages from his close friends from over a week ago that he has yet to respond to. As much as he tries to make me a priority, life gets in the way sometimes. And you know what? I don’t care.

Because I can feel how much he’s missed me when he’s holding me close in person. I can see how deeply he cares about me when we’re talking about life, when he’s asking me about the things that matters to me and listening intently. Because when we’re together, he makes me feel like the only woman in the world. Because he makes me feel like a goddess, because he respects me deeply and he makes a point of telling me how much he appreciates having me in his life. Because of the ways he makes me laugh and always keeps a smile on my face. Because of how the way he kisses me makes my head spin, a euphoric daze I can feel all the way down to the tips of my fingers and toes.

Those are the things I need. Most people have “wants” they think they need fulfilled as a measurement to how much someone else may care about them. Adrian fulfills the core of my needs, the things I can’t compromise on. Everything else, I don’t care for. In fact, I like all the little ways that he’s not perfect. Because in every other way… he’s perfect, for me.

And so, I am at ease. More than anything, I truly believe he and I were meant to meet. In fact, I feel like the Universe almost bended in order to have our paths collide. How else can you explain the series of circumstances that led us to meeting one another, and the synchronicities surrounding us since?

I need to remember this, and continue to feed my faith. Continue to trust this amazingly beautiful process, and stay vulnerable.

Wow! What a great log this turned into. I forgot how much I actually love talking to myself, LMAO. I hope this is how people feel after talking to me too!

I’m going to draw this to a close now. I don’t know when I’m going to write next – tomorrow begins my series of shifts, I’ll pretty much be working every single day until they get back and doing full-time hours. On the bright side, Leila and I are going to have dinner together and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to catch up with her and spend some time with her. I appreciate her presence in my life and I’m so in awe in how much we’ve grown together.

Fack, one more thing before I go – speaking of my friendships, it kind of feels like Avery has been distancing himself lately, but I can’t speak too much on that because it’s mostly an assumption on my part. I’ve messaged him, and in our last conversation it didn’t seem like he was in a great place so I’m kind of concerned for him. I trust his process though, if he’s going through any hardship I’m sure it’ll only serve to grow him further. I’ll definitely ask him to hang out some time and really see how he’s doing.

Okay, that’s it! Wish me luck for this upcoming week, it’s going to be a doozy! But a good week, nonetheless.

Wishing you tons of light and love and laughter!

Love always,

Me.

Day 242 to 248 – August 30th to September 5th, 2018

Well helloooooo September! It’s been a great start to the month I must say, but holy crap I can’t believe we’re in the final third of this year! I’m almost a little sad – this year has been so, so incredibly good that a part of me doesn’t want it to end. But, I do know that as time goes on, things can only get better regardless of what point in time we’re in or what year it currently is. (Still – 2018, you’ve been hella good to me).

I’ve got quite a little bit to catch up on; Adrian and I went to the CNE together, I went back to work, and I’ve officially began school today! August drew to a close in the loveliest way possible and September has started off with a refreshing bang.

And today in itself contained a multitude of little realizations and lessons that I’d quite like to make note of, so onwards with the catching up!

Let’s see…

So after my last log, I did do exactly as I said I would – I packed up some stuff and headed straight over to Adrian’s, where we were finally reunited once more (LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIS).

No but seriously though – it was sooooooooo good to see him, I’d missed him a lot. And I got to meet his new kitten!!! She’s the sweetest little thing, so playful and affectionate and they’re so perfect for one another. He’s literally like a proud new dad – he got so happy and excited whenever she did something new or different, and it melted my heart every single time. Sighhhhhhhhhh.

Anyways, we went to the CNE together and it was so much fun! I like how alike we are in the way we do things and what we want – we pretty much went straight for the food, LMAO. After that, we got some ride tickets and went on some of the rides together, and played some of the midway games as well.

I’d never been on the big ski lift thingy that spans across the whole park, and somehow it ended up happening that we got to go on it for free! While we were on it, I asked him if we could take a picture together, which he was all for.

At first, we took a regular selfie together right? And in my head, I was thinking that for the second one, I wanted to get one of me kissing him on the cheek. But right when I turned my head, so did he!!!! Turns out we were thinking along the exact same lines (as per usual) and ended up kissing each other instead, heh. Either way, it made out (HAHA PUNNY) for an even cuter candid picture than I’d intended.

It was such a lovely date, and as always the CNE was the perfect way to end the summer. At one point while we were waiting in line together for a ride, I looked up at him and I couldn’t help but tell him how amazing this summer has been, with him especially. And it really has been – we’ve had fun together and I’ve grown to enjoy his company so incredibly much. It’s always effortless and easy when it comes to the two of us.

His reply was so incredibly cute – he pulled me close and kissed me, and was like, “Wanna have an even better Fall?”

And me (being the clever little cheeseball that I am), I replied, “I think I already have…” (am I good or am I good though???? LOLOLOL). [Geddit ’cause like, I’ve already “fallen” for him… just in case you didn’t get it initially, heh].

But in all seriousness though, his reply made me really happy because it denoted another season of us continuing this and continuing to see one another as we have been for the past five months or so. And it’s been an amaaaazing past couple months.

I mean, I know it’s not going to be super easy per se – I have school now on top of my job, and he’s got both of his jobs to juggle on top of adopting a tiny kitten. So in order to make time for one another, it’s definitely going to have to take some effort. But for this, I’m ready and willing to do so. For him, I’ll do my due diligence. We’ll see what’s in store for us, as summer wanes away and the pretty golden magical haze fades into the crisp chill of the fall.

Anyways, that’s about it on that!

I went back to work on the first of September, but then I had a couple more days off and it was actually quite nice because I was able to enjoy a little bit more summer before school began today! I had a fun dinner with Leila and Cory and caught up with them, and I even went back to the CNE to spend some time with Krystal and Chad (and also to indulge in some more wild and wacky food that you’d only find at the CNE).

And yesterday, (the 4th), Olivia and I spent the whole day together just vegging out, talking, and eventually we went to go see a movie together in theaters, just for the heck of it. (We were also really super high and it was a shark movie, so that was quite a thrill LMAO). All in all, it was a great way to end this summer.

So far, the weather isn’t reflecting this transitional period of the year, but I so look forward to the temperature dropping to what it’s soon to become. Nevertheless though, I am enjoying those last warm rays of the sun while I can, because all too soon it’ll be winter and I won’t feel that heat for some time to come. So, I’m happy. In all moments, in every way, no matter what the current state of the weather is.

Which brings me to today, which was an oddly illuminating day for me.

I’m going to be straight up, balls out honest about everything I went through today, in order to convey to you the degree to which I myself am still learning about who I want to be versus who I once was.

This morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was check my phone and my social media apps (which is a habit I think I would very much like to break out of, by the way).

And the first thing I saw when I opened Instagram, was a picture of my ex Nick with his beautiful brand new girlfriend. Oh and, might I mention, he was topless (and looking fit as heck), and she was wearing a bikini (and she’s even fitter).

Immediately, I felt my stomach sink, even in my half-conscious state. Which then triggered a series of thoughts – “why do I feel like this? I’m over him! I’ve moved on! Why does seeing this post make me feel like this? And why did he post this all of a sudden!? Could it be in retaliation to the fact that I recently posted a picture of Adrian and I? But seriously though, why do I feel like this!?!?!?!?!?” And, in my half-awake state, I promptly proceeded to mute both his stories and posts because I didn’t want to see any posts like that of his any longer.

Two seconds later after putting my phone down, I realized what I’d done. I’d given into my old impulses of who I once used to be. I immediately picked my phone back up, un-muted him, and then went straight back to that picture he’d posted.

And then I looked at them. Like, really looked at them, I zoomed in and everything (thanks to Instagram’s handy update, I was able to do so). I studied her beautiful smile that matched his so well. I gazed at the way his hand was clasped around her waist, the way it once used to be around mine. And I smiled. I genuinely smiled, from the inside out. And with all of my might, I thought in my head, “I am so happy for you. I am so happy for you“. And I meant it. I felt the happiness course throughout my entire body, I felt it flood my being. Ultimately, all I really want for him, for them both, is to be just as happy as I have been. Everyone deserves to experience that kind of happiness, and regardless of what he and I have gone through, he’s no exception.

So I liked the post, and put my phone away. And that was that.

Now, did I think about it here and there throughout my day? You betcha! Because, I’m only human. But, did I think about it in the same way I did when I first saw it? No. Now I was able to think about it, wish them well, and then let go. Because I interrupted that initial pattern of thought before it could solidify, and I changed its course. My level of self-awareness was able to do that for me. I, was able to do that for me.

Carrying on with my day – I had work before I had school, so off I went to my shift. While I was standing at my event, I vaguely thought “I feel like I’m going to see someone that I know today, like from high school or something”. And sure enough, during my shift, I did end up seeing someone I once knew from high school! But more on this later, the benefits of strengthening my intuition and whatnot.

Once I’d finished my shift, I was so excited and happy to be leaving and so ready to start my official first day of school. But for some reason on my way out, security was blocking the door right? And it also seemed like he was specifically waiting for me, because other people were passing with no problem. He asked if I was done for the day, and when I happily confirmed that I was, he asked to take a look in my purse.

Now normally, this is pretty standard procedure for where I work, so I had no problems with it whatsoever. But in this particular case, rather than just taking a quick peek into my bag, he started invasively poking through all my stuff, asking me where I’d gotten my lipsticks or if I’d made any purchases today. I did happen to have a sample of a new fragrance we’d just launched, which he also looked at extensively before proceeding to ask if I had any other product with me.

It was… weird. And a little too abrasive, that it made me uncomfortable. Especially because this particular dude and I usually get along just fine, so it was a little disconcerting for him to be treating me the way that he was. It almost felt… personal.

A little shaken, I went down to get the rest of my stuff before heading back out into the mall to catch my train. But before I headed out, I stopped to collect myself as well.

The old-me narrative was going full-fledged in my head, “what the flying fuck was that for!? Did I do something wrong? Were they watching me on camera, was I acting shady or something to the point that I warranted treatment like that!?! Why was he so callous, why did he act like he was so sure he was going to find something when I’ve clearly done nothing!?” I was on the brink of a panic attack, in all honesty – I’ve already had an unintentional brush with security due to a misunderstanding when I’d first started this job, so it was bringing back some old feelings of fear and paranoia that I experienced a very long time ago.

So I breathed. I breathed as calmly as I could until the voice in my head quietened down. I became very aware of the frequency I was emitting – fear, hurt, anxiety, stress, worry and resentment. The more I let my thoughts feed that frequency, the more it gained the power to potentially ruin my day. So what did I do instead?

I switched my focus. As I walked through the mall, I focused on how nice it felt when this group of young girls complimented me on my shoes and also told me how pretty I was. I focused on how happy it made me to talk with a stranger about my trip to Paris and how he’d recently gone himself. I switched my frequency to operate on positivity and happiness, even though that wasn’t quite what I was feeling in those moments… at first. As I walked through the mall, I smiled. I smiled to myself, I smiled at strangers, and thought about how excited I was to be going to class after all this time.

And just like that, my whole demeanor changed. Because I consciously chose to stop feeding the angry thoughts, to stop fueling the fear. Because I chose to feed the positive thoughts instead, to focus on feeling happy no matter what it took.

I wasn’t repressing how I felt or stuffing it away – that wasn’t my intention. I was merely casting my focus elsewhere for the time being in order to not let what happened ruin my mood or cast a pall on the rest of my day. I made a conscious decision to react in a way that ultimately benefitted me, and made it to school.

But once it was time for me to get to class… the anxiety came back. It was already set off due to what had happened. As I walked through those halls, old memories flooded back. The staircase where Nick told me he cheated on me. The classrooms I used to sit in with him, while he had his lectures. The places my friends and I used to hang out before they all graduated and went on with their lives.

So the whole way to my lecture, I focused on my breathing again. Slowly, in through my nose and out through my mouth, until I calmed myself once more enough to walk into my class. And there, everything changed.

Half way through my incredible lecture with a prof I know I’m going to love, I realized where I was and what I was doing. I did it – I finally got the mark I needed in Psych in order to carry on with my degree!!!! After six years of struggling with my marks, with my anxiety, with my guilt and fear and shame and uncertainty, after years of dropping out, getting suspended for a year for failing, re-enrolling and dropping out once more, I’d finally made it. I was finally doing something that I wanted, on my terms, for me. FOR ME.

After my lecture ended, I went outside and sat down in the middle of campus by myself, close to the subway station. I popped in my earphones, kicked my feet up and let the cool breeze of the summer night wash over me as the day came to a close. I looked around at the campus and suddenly had yet another realization that changed everything – this was my place. This school was no longer a place of old memories that held me captive because I am not the person I once was when I wandered these halls before.

Instead of causing me anxiety, this was my chance to start afresh. To find new hidden places to read and to study, to create opportunities to make this place my new safe haven, a place all my own.

I’ve written quite a bit today and in detail on the things I’ve experienced in this day alone. But the gist of it all?

WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE CHOICE THAN EVEN WE OURSELVES REALIZE WE DO!!!!! My god, we struggle so hard to control every single thing outside of ourselves to the point that we fail to remember the exorbitant amount of sheer power we have to control what’s happening from within.

I could have let that security guard, that post, or my anxiety about returning to school ruin my entire day. I could have let it all burn to the ground, and proceeded to come home, frustrated and exhausted, and potentially taken it out on my unassuming family (who had a great day themselves – you see the chain reaction this could have caused?)

Instead, I came home, and when my mom and my sister came downstairs to ask me about how my day was, I told them it was amazing. I told them all about the high points, and briefly mentioned whatever else occurred. And instead of dwelling, I relished in my triumphs over myself. The victories of new-me versus old-me.

I won’t lie – it requires a shit-ton amount of discipline and self-awareness to change the course of your thought processes, your emotions, and even your reactions. But I sure as hell would rather fight through those old neural-wiring pathways with everything I’ve got and live a life of real quality, than live on autopilot in the same old habits and destructive thought patterns that amount to nothing but a steadily mediocre pathway to an inevitable death.

And I guarantee you this – it’s worth it. My days are so much better, so much more peaceful, filled to the brim with real happiness and contentment, because I understand that every single moment I experience in my day presents me with a choice. Either I let life happen to me, blindly – or, I make life happen for me, consciously.

What a day eh!? And to top it all off – as I was talking with Olivia, I mentioned that instance to her, the one where I ran into that person I knew in high school the way I had a feeling I would earlier on in the day. I told her how happy that made me, because one of my personal goals at the start of this year was to strengthen my intuition and to learn how to properly listen to it. We joked that I was becoming psychic, and I mused that maybe my strengthening intuition was bending time from its usual linear structure.

Right before I decided to head to bed, I noticed my sister’s copy of The Alchemist on the table in the living room. And for the heck of it, I picked it up and held it in my hands, and asked the Universe to tell me something. Anything. I opened it up to a random page, and proceeded to read the first passage my eyes landed on. This was the passage:

“…was also learning the universal language that deals with the past and the present of all people. “Hunches”, his mother used to call them. The boy was beginning to understand that intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it’s all written there.

Maktub“, the boy said, remembering the crystal merchant.”

Magic. This life is pure magic, through and through. How else do I explain any of that? This passage directly addresses what intuition is, in the most beautiful way. And it ends off with the very phrase I have tattooed onto my rib cage, a phrase that I believe without a single doubt as time continues on… maktub. It is written.

My eyes are still filling up with grateful tears as I type this now, the same way they did when I first read that passage.

I am so, so thankful. Thank you Universe, thank you Me, thank you, thank you, thank you. May gratitude be the only frequency I allow myself to operate on, for the rest of my entire life.

Thank you.

Love always and in every way there is imaginable,

Me.

 

Day 235 to 241 – August 23rd to 29th, 2018

I’m baaaa-aaaaaack! So much for writing every day, hahaha. Honestly though, I couldn’t even find a single minute to sit down and write because the entire trip was go-go-go from start to finish and I wouldn’t have had it any other way! We were living in the moment in every moment we were given, and I truly believe that that was the best way to experience it all. And oh, what an experience it was… I barely even know where to begin or what to talk about! How do I encapsulate the beauty of the Eiffel Tower, or the never ending hustle and bustle of Piccadilly? How do I best describe the feeling of cruising down the Seine River at night while Paris was alive with love and lights? Or the incredible moment when an actor performed my all-time favourite soliloquy from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”… at Shakespeare’s birth place itself!?!

Sigh. It was all magic, from start to finish.

Alright, let’s start at the beginning!

The plane ride flew by in a breeze (heheh, pun intended), and before we knew it we were in England. We were staying with some family friends we’d met back a couple years ago who happened to live close to London, so they’d picked us up from the airport to bring us back to theirs. And oh man, their place was absolutely beautiful and so absolutely comfortable – I can’t even begin to express how grateful we were or how lucky we felt to be able to have a place to stay in another country that genuinely felt like home.

We got in pretty late at night, but me and the daughter of our family friends’, Anastasia, managed to convince her parents and my mom to let us go for a late night drive around the town.

I’d met Anastasia when she was much younger, but she had grown in the years that have passed into this beautiful, smart, wise and absolutely hilarious young woman, full of life and spontaneity, kind of like me. We got along right off the bat – we were very much alike in so many different ways, right down to our young-hearted nature yet old-soul vibes.

We drove around, talking and catching up about things that were currently going on in our lives until about 1 in the morning, and finally headed back in time to catch some sleep for the next days’ adventures.

And boy did we ever adventure! The next day, Anastasia planned out an entire route and tour of all of London’s most famous sites and hidden gems. We took the “tube” (the Underground subway system that was so damn intricate that it blew my mind) into the heart of London and began our day by starting at Buckingham palace. I got to see the famous balcony that the royal couples kissed on, in person! And, the flag was up which most likely meant that the Queen was in, which was incredibly cool.

We went and saw so many different things – Big Ben (at least, what we could see of it since it was under some construction), the Parliament building, the London Eye, we walked through South Bank, caught a bit of a busker show at Leicester Square, experienced Piccadilly Circus, and then made our way over to Soho and Chinatown before ending off at the wonderfully charming Covent Garden.

I can easily list all the things we did and saw, but honestly it was the experience of walking around with my mom and Anastasia that really made the adventure. There were moments where we were howling with laughter so hard that we could barely walk, and we shared an amazingly delectable lunch together at this gorgeous little hidden gem of an Italian restaurant in Anastasia’s favourite place, Covent Garden. It was all so beautiful, I couldn’t help but sit and look up and thank the Universe for being gifted with this absolutely incredible experience.

Eventually later on that day, Olivia joined us and we ended up going out that night to a club, so I can officially say I partied in London muahaha. It was such a good time; everyone was so hype and the music was so, so good! Olivia and I made it back home in time to catch about an hour of sleep before we jetted off (or more accurately caught a train) to Paris for the weekend.

Ah, Paris. The city of love, the city of lights.

Side note – it’s only 7 pm here where I am right now and 12 am in London and holy crap, I am feeling that jet-lag hardcore right now. I had a coffee earlier on but for some reason time is passing in weird jumps and despite having a great sleep last night, I suddenly feel completely out of it as though I haven’t slept in 3 days! Jet-lag is such a strange feeling. Also, not only do I feel like I have physical jet-lag but I also think that emotional and mental jet-lag is totally a thing too. All day today I felt kind of weird and relatively antsy, as though I should be doing something. I’ve grown so accustomed to that non-stop action and adventure mentality over the course of this past week to the point that doing nothing today almost made me feel nervous LOL.

I’m so tempted to hit the pause button on this log and call it a night, but I know what’s going to happen if I do – I’m going to go to sleep now, and end up waking up at like 4 am feeling wide awake since it’ll technically actually be 9 am, in London. So, I may as well continue on for as long as I can before I actually direly need to knock out! I’ve got to break this jet-lag somehow.

Anyways, carrying on – Paris.

We took a train over from London to Paris, where we were able to stay with a relative of a family friend – right in the heart of Paris, the central area. He worked for the Embassy too, so he had a nice spacious flat with enough room for all of us to stay comfortably, with a gorgeous view of the city streets and the Eiffel Tower. Honestly though, how lucky are we!?!?! I can’t even begin to express my utter gratitude for our sheer luck and good fortune.

Once we were all settled in, we immediately headed out for a tour of the Eiffel Tower. It… was… breath-taking. Seriously, the endless amount of pictures that I’ve seen over the span of my life did not do it any justice. There’s just this certain magic that pictures can’t quite capture. It was so lovely – Olivia, my mom and I actually took some time to sit down and bask in the ambiance of it all by buying some macarons and eating it on the tower, heh. We talked about life, and how important it is to truly enjoy these moments and make the most of the life we’ve been given, which is exactly what we were doing. It was such a moving moment that I couldn’t help but tear up, LMAO. I just felt so lucky and so incredibly happy and content to be experiencing the things I’ve experienced.

Eventually once we’d had our fill, we headed back down to get ready to adventure around at night. We had a boat cruise planned for later on, but since we had some time to kill and since drinking in public is allowed in Europe, we decided to take a bottle of wine back to the Eiffel Tower and sit and watch the sunset and the light show as night fell.

I don’t think I know enough words in the English language to describe how absolutely stunning the tower was during the light show, as night fell over the Seine. It looked as though it were encrusted with diamonds, glittering effervescently in the pale pink dim light of the setting sun. It was magic. Simple as that.

And then came my favourite part of our whole trip to Paris – the boat cruise down the Seine river.

Okay, I really want to finish this but I actually feel like I can’t compute right now (HAHAHA geddit, compute, because I’m typing this out on a computer!?!? …oh god.) But actually though, I’m so tired that I’m starting to feel drunk LOLOLOL.

I’m sure I’ll find a moment to sit down and really finish this off, but I don’t think it’ll be tomorrow – Adrian asked me to come over so that we could spend some time together at his place before heading off to the CNE.

I’m soooooooooooo excited sljrltjelrtjlgketkejkt5 holy crap how I’ve MISSED HIM!!! But there’s another reason I’m also excited; while I was away, he messaged me and told me that he had an “unconfirmed surprise” that probably wouldn’t have happened “had he not met me”, and it was something that I “wouldn’t believe”.

I spent a couple days in agonizing curiosity wondering what it could be – had he booked a spontaneous trip somewhere, how I’m prone to do? Was it a tattoo?

A couple days later, he sent me a picture of this gorgeous white blue-eyed Himalayan kitten with the fluffiest of fur, and asked me what I thought. I immediately asked whose adorable little floof that was, and all he sent was “:)”.

When I’d read that, I happened to be to walking into the tube and I actually stopped in my tracks and proclaimed “NO WAYYYYYYY!” at the top of my lungs, much to the dismay and annoyance of the people walking behind me trying to catch their train, LMAO.

Long story short, Adrian’s adopted a kitten!!!!!! HOW ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ADORABLE IS THAT SDFSJILJRKDKJGDJRT JSLRTJEKJT.

Can he be any more perfect!?!?!? I actually can’t. A co-worker happened to ask him at work if he knew anyone who could provide a good home to some kittens who’d been left at a vet’s and after seeing their little fluffy faces, he volunteered to take one himself.

Sighhhh.

Anyways, quick update – he’s just asked me to come over tonight if I can and ya best BET that I’m about to fly upstairs, pack my shit and get the hell out of here. Funny enough, I’m suddenly feeling a lot more awake LMFAO. I know it’s only been a week but honestly I truly can’t wait to see him and have him pull me close into his arms again.

I’ll write when I can!!! Until next time,

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 231 to 234 – August 19th to 22nd, 2018

Hello!!! Here I am for the third time this year, up thousands of miles up in the air over the sea, barrelling towards England! I can’t believe the trip is here, that we’re on it and it’s happening! It’s amazing how quickly time has flown.

I haven’t really banged out a plan for England but I did plan a magnificent trip for Paris – we’re going to see the Eiffel Tower, the Palace of Versailles, the Louvre AND we’re going to take a lovely boat cruise down the Seine river. AHHHHHHHHHH!

I’m actually quite proud of myself for my organizational skills when it comes to travelling. As much as I do love to be spontaneous and adventure, when the time calls for it I’m also good at budgeting time and figuring out where I’d like to go and what I want to see. Ah, how I love travelling so much with all my heart and soul. Truly, this is what I want for my life.

I’m so excited!!!! I can’t wait to try all the amazing food, experience the cultures, adventure around to my heart’s content and just have an amazing and safe time. It’s going to be amazing.

I’ll do my best to write everyday, hopefully at the end of each in order to record what’s happened and what I did!

Anyways, before I end this off I wanted to talk about last night, the night before I left.

Adrian and I had plans to go to a Blue Jays game originally, but because of the amount of rain and potential flooding of the subway station we had to go to, he decided to make a back-up plan and oh, what a back-up plan it was.

He invited me over, and just as he’d promised a while ago, made dinner for me from scratch. He’s so sweet – once he picked me up, he immediately told me I looked immaculate, and that he was going to miss me.

He made my favourite food in the whole world – spaghetti and meatballs! The sauce was made from the freshest tomatoes, the authentic homemade Italian way that his family makes it year after year and seals for time to come. And the meatballs he made from scratch too, by hand. He also made a delicious egg frittata too.

Everything was beyond delicious. When he said he could cook, he definitely wasn’t exaggerating – the guy can cook. I was over the moon, and absolutely astounded at my sheer luck of having met such an incredible human being.

Later on when we were spending some time together, we ended up talking about my trip and I remembered that he hadn’t told me what exactly he’d wanted from England. So I was like “you said you wanted tea right?”

And listen. I’m like 99% sure I heard him right, because he did say it more than once. But even still, I didn’t say anything because I was pretty much holding my breath, because it felt too good to be true.

He agreed, but then he was like, “tea… or love?”

LOVE. Love! I’m pretty sure that that’s what he said, but oh goodness. Did he mean it? My heart immediately skipped a million beats and all I could do was stare (ONCE AGAIN OMG – this is the whole “I like you a lot” moment all over again!!!!! WHAT IS WITH ME).

He eventually changed the topic, but ah man. I should have said something, maybe? Again, everything happens as it’s meant to.

But later, another thing happened that made me so incredibly happy that I quite literally did a happy dance once I got home.

He was telling me how sleepy I looked and I admitted that I had been so excited for this trip, that I hadn’t been able to sleep well for the past couple days at all. And he was like, “awwww, baaaabe.”

BABE!!!!!!!! HE CALLED ME BABE!!!!!!

Yes, this may seem like a little thing – but it’s not to me. This is the first time he’s said it to me in that kind of way or in that context and it makes me so, so, so, so happy.

Yesterday was the first time those 3 little words actually popped into my head and nearly off of my tongue. At the cottage in Georgian Bay, was the moment I kind of knew. But last night was the first time the impulse to actually say it out loud to him actually came to me. But I held back, because I know I’ll know when the exact right moment is.

I can’t even begin to express how completely at peace and content I am, when it comes to this. Because I spent so much time investing in myself, getting to know me and who I am and what that entails, I’m self-aware to the extent that it’s easy for me to discern how I feel and act consciously about it rather than just letting my emotions get the best of me. It’s not always easy, but now I can tell when I’m doing my best or when I’m allowing old thinking and feeling patterns to get the best of me.

I think that self-awareness, self-love and introspection completely changes the way you relate to other people, especially when it comes to love. I think when it’s right, you know deep down to the core of your being that it’s right, regardless of time frames or how other people may perceive the state or speed of your relationship.

And this… this has felt right from the start. It’s been effortless, honestly. Easy, and things always work out for the best for us, no matter what we may be doing or where we are.

So, I’m excited. I’m so excited to get to know him further, to see how he grows, to see how our relationship with one another grows in all the ways that it will. No matter what happens, I’m so incredibly grateful and thankful that I got to experience something like this – healthy, happy, wholesome, conscious and just… more than I could have thought possible.

This life is so incredibly beautiful. I’m thankful that my love for life spills over into every aspect that it is comprised of.

So here’s to those late nights wandering around different countries, here’s to adventuring to your heart’s content, here’s to laughter and light and spontaneity, here’s to discovering all that this beautiful Earth has to offer, and here’s to being in love with it all, openly, freely and without condition or time.

Love always,

Me.

Day 230 – August 18th, 2018

I have this theory that the 18th of every month is always a little bit extra special, since it’s the number of my birth day. Today was no exception – it’s been absolutely magical from start to finish, and I just… I need to write this down. These are the moments I want to remember, these are the moments that remind me how amazing this life can be and that there’s SO MUCH MORE TO THIS EXISTENCE than we can even begin to fathom.

Okay. So this morning, I decided to get my school schedule completely in order since there’s only about 3 days left before my mom and I leave, and once I get back I’d only have about one week before school began again. So I sat down and started searching through course after course and tweaking my schedule so that it worked in accordance with both my job and (most importantly) my mental health and well-being.

While looking through some required courses that I need towards my degree, I was going through the “Natural Science” section when a title of a course caught my eye – “Energy”. Now, I’m not much one for science, but seeing as I have this newfound love for the Universe and all it entails, this title actually piqued my interest. So, I clicked on it.

The first things that caught my eye were the numbers; I immediately noticed right off the bat that the course code was the day and month of my birthday. The second thing I noticed was that the number of credits the course was worth was my favourite number, 6. And the third thing? The synchronicity that almost had me fall out of my chair in shock?

The professor’s name.

Her first name? My first name. And her last name?

Adrian’s last name.

Just… how!?!?!? What are the odds!?!?!? No seriously, can someone tell me how her first name was spelled exactly as my own and her last name happened to be the last name of the guy I’m seeing right now!!?!?!??

I just… there really is no such thing as coincidence, there isn’t. Just straight up magic and Universe and these amazing incredible synchronicities.

I kind of want to show him but also I’m scared he’s going to think I’m hinting at “more”, you get what I mean? Like my name and his last name, the way every girl with a crush writes down in her notebook and fantasizes about in some far away manner. But honestly, I’m just in complete awe of this and I think it’s an amazing synchronicity. I’m not trying to figure out what it means, I’m just letting it be what it is.

^ and that’s what surface me says, if he were to ask. But deep down?

I know, without a doubt, he and I were meant to meet. I don’t know on what capacity, I don’t know for how long we’ll be in one another’s life, all I know is that this was meant to happen. This synchronicity solidified the certainty I’ve felt from the get-go.

Can’t explain it, don’t want to. It’s just so beautiful, in it of itself.

Later today, while I was talking to Olivia, she told me that she’d just finished The Alchemist and was beginning to understand the nature of the Universe herself, which made me so incredibly happy. She experienced a wonderful omen once she finished the book, and I couldn’t be more grateful that she’s forming her own connection with the magic of this life, on her own terms.

Once I got into work, I was happily greeted by all my co-workers, but especially so by Lori.

I’ve told plenty of my co-workers about my book, and one day I was about to head out on break when I announced to everyone that I was about to go out into the mall and hunt down “the pen”. “The pen” that I would use to compile my book, the one that I was meant to find and the one that was meant to find me. All a sudden, Lori told me not to buy the pen. Confused, I asked her why but she adamantly told me not to buy the pen, that it wasn’t time. Not one to refute a message from the universe, I agreed not to buy the pen and went on my merry way.

Turns out, Lori wanted to buy me “the pen”. And not only that, she wanted to do something extra special with it too, and promised to bring it in for me.

So today, once I was all settled in, she brought me a little gift bag with a card in it. Excited, I immediately reached for the pen but she asked me to read the card first. It was so lovely – she thanked me kindly for always having been there for her, and asked me to let the pen guide me on this journey.

And then I looked at the pen, and suddenly I could feel all the blood whisking around my body in shock yet again. Not only was the pen absolutely stunning, it was also engraved with my initials in the EXACT way I sign them. And on the other side were the words that I’ve come to cherish so deeply…

“It is written”.

It was yet another reminder from the universe. My arabic tattoo, the one from The Alchemist, translates exactly into that phrase. It was the part in the book that resonated deeply with me the most. It reminds me that our fates (while being within our hands through our choices) are also written in the stars, and we ARE made of the stars. We ARE of this Universe, and this Universe is of us.

I immediately burst into tears, LMAO. It was just such a beautiful moment – what are the odds that Olivia just finished the book and reminded me of how beautiful it is, and then the Universe sends me its own way of reminding me?

It is written! This is my destiny, this is my personal legend and my “treasure”, if you will. I’ve been slowly compiling this book and without even realizing, I’d embarked on my own journey to my personal legend all along! I MUST, MUST, MUST fulfill this! I was meant to! And so I will. How can I not, when the whole Universe is conspiring alongside me to make this happen?

It’s all I can think about. And I know I’m still writing it – this upcoming trip, what’s to come in September and October, I know these next two months are going to be integral to my book’s “ending”, per se.

Anyways, I immediately rushed over to Lori and thanked her as deeply as I could for supporting my deepest dream in such a wonderfully beautiful way. I was so incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness and so utterly grateful to be surrounded by so much love, light and support on a constant basis.

And last but not least, the synchronicity that ended this day: once I got home from my fantastic work shift, I randomly asked my mom for the mail key so I could go check the mail. She asked me why, and I idly told her that I wanted to see if a package had come for me but I wasn’t all too hopeful because I’d ordered it in July and had no idea where it was or when it’d be arriving (the shipping tracker didn’t work – I tried all throughout July and eventually gave up).

So I walked over to the mailbox in the dark of night, opened it up and groped around in it until I could feel something. Much to my surprise, there wasn’t just mail in there… there was a package too.

I pulled everything out slowly, and in the dim lighting of the nearby streetlight, I tried to make out what it said on the package and indeed, it had my name on it. Could it be? It wasn’t like I’d ordered anything else lately.

Curious and very excited, I raced back home and dashed inside and announced to my parents that if this package was what I thought it was, then I was psychic. And… IT WAS THE PACKAGE I’D ORDERED IN JULY!!!!

Am I psychic? Who knows! But maybe… maybe this is what happens when you start letting your intuition really and truly guide you. How else can I explain the sudden impulse that led to me asking my mom for that mail key (something I haven’t done in months), or what led me to clicking on that “Energy” course, or even what drew me to that store that had the EXACT hat I had been visualizing!?

This is it!!! This is the shift I’ve been waiting for without even realizing, this was the time I was meant to finally read “The Secret” despite having it on my book list for almost two years now. I’ve been so blessed to witness synchronicities in the past year or so but the level to which I’m manifesting these now is just absolutely astounding.

Straight up, it’s magic. Like real magic. Miraculous, almost. But I believe in it all, with all that I am and all that I have. And I’m so grateful, so unbelievably grateful to have witnessed it the way that I have.

What a wondrous and amazing life this is. There’s so much more than just what we are, and what we are is already incredible as is.

I’m thankful. To be alive, to experience every single fraction of a second that I am able to be on this Earth. Do you know how wonderful it feels to be this happy, just to be alive?

I hope you do. I hope you experience this level of transcendental effervescent happiness that comes with being happy to simply exist.

Love always and in all ways,

Me.

Day 228 + 229 – August 16th & 17th, 2018

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo there.

Don’t ask me why I felt like adding all those o’s there, I just did. Maybe though, it’s because… I’m quite figuratively (decided to switch up from using “literally” all the time) sitting on cloud 9, for all the best reasons. Also, I’m high, but that’s besides the point. Hehe.

Adrian invited me over yesterday since his dad was gone and he finally had the place to himself. Yesterday was his first day of real freedom and it was so sweet that he chose to spend it with me.

It was the perfect lazy day – we grabbed a bottle of wine, rolled one, popped on some Netflix and even baked some absolutely delicious lobster biscuits with an herb and garlic butter glaze (we were watching a lot of cooking competition/baking shows LMAO). And he’s so incredibly sweet – he bought me an Arctic Monkey’s tour t-shirt! Earlier this month, he and I both wanted to go to the concert together but couldn’t get tickets, so he got me the shirt through a friend of his who did attend the concert. Ahhhh, he’s so thoughtful and so, so sweet.

Earlier on, we’d been talking about how crazy of a coincidence it was that Chad’s older brother had the same name as Adrian’s older brother, and also the crazy fact that they both spoke German since they took it in university, and that they also sport the same watch.

When we’re together, there’s so many different levels of synchronicities that occur, it’s almost mind-boggling sometimes. Like the commonalities between Chad and Adrian, or the fact that two of Adrian’s other friends just happened to start dating people who have the same name as me. And even last night, while we were watching TV, the host mentioned something about London, England (where I’m headed in a couple days) and a few moments later, New Orleans came up (where Adrian and I are headed in about a month and a half). When the New Orleans thing came up, he and I looked at each other in shock LMAO. Just, what are the odds!?!

I wonder what all these synchronicities mean. I know usually they signify that you’re exactly at the right place at the right time and very much in tune with yourself. But still, I can’t help but wonder… like we’re both experiencing them, you know? Despite the fact that we can’t explain any of this, we choose to go along with it and let it happen as it does, whilst acknowledging the magic of it all. Because that’s exactly what it is – magic. And who, in their right mind, would ever want to analyze and deconstruct that?

Anyways, this morning was equally as lovely – I can’t explain how incredible it feels to wake up beside him, to feel some part of him touching me no matter how far we may get from one another (or how close he gets to falling off of the bed – for some reason, I have no idea how because I SWEAR I don’t move when I sleep, he always ends up right at the edge with me taking up most of the bed LMAO).

And god, that sleepy smile he gets when he’s just waking up and starts pulling me as close I can possibly get… it gives me butterflies, each and every time. His smile instantly brings out my own.

Once we were more awake, he started saying the most wonderful things I don’t ever want to forget – how I’m the sexiest and most beautiful woman in the world, and that if he had a ton of money, he’d bet all of it on that fact without a single doubt. He told me all the wonderful qualities he likes best about me – how beautiful I am, how deeply caring and loving I can be, how intelligent and funny I am (FUNNY! HE THINKS I’M FUNNY!), and how passionate he sees I am.

He told me that when we hang out and he sees me coming towards him, still after all this time, he feels the same way he did when he saw me the first time – that whole “she’s here for me!?” -feeling, and it makes him happy, as though he still can’t quite believe it. And once I get into his car, he admitted that sometimes he doesn’t even want to move from that spot, just so he can kiss me (and not give a fuck about who complains behind us).

Sigh.

I had to tell him all the wonderful things that I love about him too – how incredibly thoughtful he is, how he’s probably the most considerate and kind person I’ve ever met that he makes me want to be more considerate myself, how insanely ridiculously sexy he is, how funny he is and how that’s probably what really reeled me in the first time we met (I’ll never forget those puns), and how he’s so smart that it borderlines intimidating sometimes but that I love it, because I so enjoy the breadth of our conversations.

I told him I see him in all the same ways he sees me, and thanked him in turn for seeing me the way he does see me. And he said that there was no other way to see me, because he was seeing me for who I am. Did ANY OF THAT MAKE SENSE.

I don’t know, but I hope it did.

I genuinely like our pace. I like how things are going, but more than that I love exactly where we are right now. It’s light-hearted and fun, but content and peaceful at the same time. I like that we can enjoy each other’s company in either silence or our endless conversations.

I don’t care for a “label”, but I also don’t mind if it does happen. I’m indifferent to it all now honestly, and why? Because label or no label, I couldn’t be happier. Label or no label, nothing will change between us except for those words “boyfriend/girlfriend” (and really, they don’t mean much when you think about it). He treats me exactly as I was meant to be treated, adores me and cares for me in all the ways I need and more so than I could have ever thought I wanted. I don’t need more than what we have, and am grateful already for whatever else is to come for us.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m done with trying to plan my life to the t. All I know is that I want someone I can have fun with – real, genuine, heart-stopping and laugh-til-your-stomach-hurts kind of fun. I want someone I can explore the world with, someone I can travel everywhere with and discover new ways of living. I want someone who understands me, and in turn allows me to understand them. I want someone I can talk to about everything and anything with – someone open to my love of the Universe and everything it entails. Someone I can openly share with, meditate with, and grow with. Someone just as affectionate and loving as I am, and someone who loves life just as deeply as I do. Someone who challenges me in all the best ways, someone who allows me to be free to make my own mistakes and lessons, whilst being as supportive and encouraging as they can be when those moments do happen.

So, yeah. That’s what I’m trying to manifest in my life. Not a “relationship” by the standards to which we define that word today, not someone to call my “significant other” (or rather, otter – HAHAHAH). I want a relationship of real friendship, partnership, respect, equity and fun. A fun-ship. Why, why am I like this. (Lowkey laughing though).

We’ll see how things go! In the meanwhile, I’m thankful and so grateful I’ve met someone who makes me feel all those ways, who gives me all of those things, who is aiding my growth as well as complimenting the happiness I already generate for myself.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Well, mom and I are leaving in about four days to England and no, we haven’t even started packing yet LOL. It’s all good though. MY GOD, AM I EVER EXCITED!!!! LONDON AND PARIS BABYYYY, LONDON AND PARIS! After this trip, I’ll have gone to four different countries within this year alone! I’m SO SO SO THANKFUL, SO GRATEFUL. This is all I want for my life. I just want to go everywhere and see everything, I really do.

Anyways, that’s all for today! I’ve got three more work shifts as of tomorrow, and then that’s it! I’ll write when I can and I promise to write every single day of my trip while I’m away. Until next time,

Love always and deeply,

Me.