Day 37 – February 6th, 2019

Alright I’m back! Classes actually got cancelled today (good thing I went with my gut and stayed home) and the BPI dinner has been cancelled as well so I’m having an impromptu day at home. However, (and I am saying all of this for myself, I am narrating my day for myself, I have to keep reminding myself of this), I’m planning on being productive and I have the slides up from today’s lecture so that I can make my own notes because I haven’t missed a single lecture from this class yet.

So after this, I’m going to take my notes and add some productivity to this day. But before I do that, I’m going back to the discussion I was about to engage in in yesterday’s log.

Alright. Time to focus, time to talk to yourself, and listen. No distractions, no getting up. And once you’re done this, then you can go make yourself a Belgian waffle and eat it with ice cream or maple syrup or whatever the hell else you’d want to eat it with. Okay? Okay.

Before we begin, a few things I’d like to make note of. One –keep it simple. No overcomplicating things unless necessary, unless you’re trying to get at something. Two – stay honest. Stay present. Stay right here, with you, with no other filters other than just trying to find answers within yourself, for yourself. Three – once this is done, we leave it be.

Okay. I’m ready.

So Adrian messaged again today asking me how he wants me to go about the whole double-sided note thing. Does he want me to have him message me first BEFORE reading, or does he want me to have him read it and then message me?

AND I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M SUDDENLY SECOND GUESSING THE WHOLE THING.

I just didn’t think it would happen so soon? I’m not sure what I was planning exactly per se. I mean, I had the plan – he would read the double sided note, the note that holds the moment I knew I was going to fall in love with him without a single doubt in my mind. But… now what?

Have I? Am I in love? What is love? How do I define it? What does it mean to me?

Once before, Adrian said that those three words are too often said and too easily offered, and that the way you truly know you love someone is through action, the things they do and the ways they show you. And like, I agree with him. Those words are too easily said, and not often meant. That’s why it’s so important to me that if I do say them, I mean them, with every fibre of my being.

So what is love to me? Love is… love is knowing all the “bad parts” of a person (their self-perceived flaws or quirks or weirdnesses) that makes them who they are, but still loving them despite those things because you know you couldn’t have the good (and like, it’s the kind of good you’ve always wanted) without some bad. There’s ying and there’s yang. There’s balance. It’s loving an imperfect person perfectly, to quote some cheesy phrase I’m sure I’ve read or heard somewhere. Love to me is… connecting. And like, really connecting, through vulnerability. It’s feeling safe enough to lower the walls you didn’t even know you had up. It’s being so completely honest that you learn things about yourself you never even knew.

Love is empathy – it’s being able to see that person for who and what they are rather than looking at this person through the lens of your own experiences and expectations. It’s not “what can this person do for me/what should they be doing for me?” but “what can we do for each other? How do we grow together?” because you know that that’s what matters most, when being with them.

Love to me is passion. Real passion, endless passion. It’s not a fire that consumes you whole that leaves you with cold ashes or a “honeymoon phase” that eventually ends. It’s a slow-burning warmth that you can feel right down to the tips of your fingers and toes constantly because you’re both doing your part to stoke that flame and keep it burning. It’s the affection that comes about as a result of that fire, because you can’t go more than a couple moments without feeling the heat of their body against your fingertips, even if it is just a mere matter of holding their hand.

Love is laughter. Humour that never loses its colour to the point that you can look back months from then to recall those moments and still laugh because it’s just as funny now as it was then. It’s the smile that you get that never really quite disappears because it lives on in your eyes and fine lines of your face.

And I know they say that eventually, the butterflies fade away and you eventually settle into your relationship with this person. But that’s not what love is to me. Maybe I’m just that much of a diehard romantic, but to me – love is nothing BUT butterflies. It’s being excited to see them each and every time you do, no matter how many times you already have. It’s feeling happy and nervous and anxious but excited all at the same time when their knee brushes against yours by accident, even if you’ve been together for years. I don’t believe that that feeling has to go away. Maybe that’s just something we tell ourselves because eventually our brains get used to the neurochemical cocktail we produce every time we see the person we’re attracted to. Biologically speaking, if you have enough of any drug on a consistent basis, you eventually develop a tolerance to it right? Well to me, love doesn’t fall in line with that logic. But maybe that’s just me.

And maybe love isn’t something you always know all the time. We’re human, life challenges and tests us and changes us, always. So maybe love is something that also has to change and shift as we grow, too. Maybe love isn’t always a steady straight line, but something that follows along the up’s and down’s we experience as we live. The point is, real love doesn’t break. No matter what we may endure, personally or together. Real love endures all of that too. It’s not always beautiful and easy. But that in itself is okay, because it’s love.

So… that’s what love is to me. With all that being said, am I in love?

I can see so much of what I’ve written reflected in my relationship with Adrian. He’s my warmth, my laughter. I can see what I feel reflected in his eyes back at me when he looks at me. I have definitely grown to love our little home (our relationship) and all the work we’ve put into building it. It’s cozy, safe, and more than I could have ever imagined having.

But there’s still things about me that I want him to know. Without realizing it yet being slightly aware of it, I’ve been painting this perfect picture of myself by leaving out certain things that I may not have wanted him to know right off the bat. Like how I’m really bad with money (but I’m working on it!!!). Or how I’m actually quite a messy person, despite constantly asking him if I can help clean up or organizing his bedroom before I leave. I do genuinely enjoy doing those things for him, but when I’m at home I don’t care much about all the clothes piled up at the edge of my bed, it doesn’t bother me. How sometimes I get so caught up in the things I read that I try to live by them to the point that I end up having existential crises (that are much needed and appreciated inevitably, LOL). I’m not perfect, I really am so far from it, but I’m happy with me. I love who I am despite those things, and I hope that he can love me for all of me too. But he won’t be able to unless I actually give him a chance to get to know me, really.

And I wonder if it’s the same for him. Do I know all of him? Is he really letting me see him for who he is, or is he worried about letting me see the whole picture too? That night when he had his panic attack, he apologized the next day for acting “out of character”. But he was being human, he was being himself, and I was so happy to be able to see that part of him. Vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.

I can’t force that vulnerability. It has to happen naturally, with time. I know I love him. I’ve grown to love everything I know about him, good and “bad” included (those words being subjective). And I know that you never quite stop learning about someone when you’re with them (which explains why you should never stop falling in love with that person because they won’t be the same person they are today a year from now). But until I feel like he knows me, all of me, and until I feel like I know all of him… until then, for now I will hold off on saying those words. They shouldn’t be planned, forced, or controlled. I’ll know when I know. I say it in my head all the time whenever we’re together because there’s so many things he does where I just automatically think, “god, I love you. I love this guy.”

But… I will not utter those words until I can feel it with every part of my soul, heart, mind, body and spirit to the point that I can it out loud with no holds barred, no hesitation. Because he deserves that. He deserves that kind of love, the love I described. And I care about him so, so, so much and I want him to have that. I want him to feel loved completely for everything he is, and I know that I can and I will.

He doesn’t deserve a half-hearted love, a surface love, a love that looks full from the outside but that’s hollow within. And the fact that I know this and want to abide by this means that I do love him. And so it will grow and become what it is meant to, in time.

And there’s my decision. When he reads that double-sided paper and tells me he has, I’m going to tell him that the reason I asked him to tell me when he read it was because I wanted him to know how beautifully significant that moment was to me. That his vulnerability with me on that golden summer day is the reason I knew without a doubt that this was right, and this was real.

I want to tell him all of this in person. So maybe I’ll ask him to let me know when he reads it, but that I have some stuff I wanted to say to him about it, in person (and I hope that doesn’t make him nervous because I know he spooks easily, LOL).

Holy shit the difference that writing honestly makes. I feel like my writing has regained a lot of lost quality and genuineness by just shifting to the mentality of only writing for myself. I think I’ll give myself a week of this, a week of being able to retrain myself to write honestly and authentically before I begin posting online again. I just needed there to be a point to all of this again, because I was becoming so disillusioned by it. But it feels good to reconnect with myself. To be honest, and unfiltered.

Well, that’s about it! I am now starving, so I’m going to reply to Adrian’s texts and get started on that Belgian waffle, mmmmm.

I’ll write tomorrow, although I doubt it’ll be anything of substance since I have work from 11-4 and school right after. We’ll see what I can do. If there’s anything I need to talk about though, I promise me that I WILL carve out the time for it, no matter what.

I LOVE YOU ME. IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK GOD I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

Awwww. I MISSED YOU TOO, ME.

Okay that’s all!

Love, love, love, love, love,

Me.

(A quick message for anyone who does happen to read these logs I post – I will be taking that brief hiatus from posting my logs online. At least a week, or however long it takes me to remove that weird filter that has developed in my writing. Until I can get back to writing 100% authentically and honestly. I said myself “vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.” Well, my writing has to be my vulnerability. I have to challenge myself to feel uncomfortable – if posting my logs online doesn’t make me the least bit nervous, it means I’m not being true to me or completely honest, so I’ll be going by that gauge. I’ll be back! I love you, love yourself, thank you for reading – it means the world to me. Love, me.)

Day 36 – February 5th, 2019

Writing honestly, writing without that filter, writing without those weird goggles I put on when I’m writing directly online. Okay. Typing. Words. Coming out of my brain. Um.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can feel this weird filmy thing covering my brain, it’s almost physically tangible, the weird perspective I’m writing from like-

Why am I even typing any of this? Like what does any of that even matter? Who am I narrating for?

Okay. Back at it.

What am I writing about honestly today? What’s on my mind?

Last night after I typed that log, I had a nice long talk with Olivia and basically reiterated everything I realized. I cried, and got out all the emotions I’d been suppressing that were creating that muddled feeling on the inside. I woke up with a lot more clarity and calm today.

I actually had a really productive day today! I did my laser appointment with Sola, went straight to school to deal with the number one reason for my recent stress (my OSAP money) and even though I had to go home to get something for it, I did it and went straight back to school either way and took all the necessary steps I had to take in order to get things done. So, there’s that. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for it to come, but at least I know now for sure that it should.

Anyways – I feel a lot better. A lot more clear-headed. I’m still a little apprehensive; probably because of how surprising it was for me to find that I ended up in this position despite everything I’d felt I’d learnt. But it’s good. It’s humbling.

Actually who am I kidding – it freaked me the fuck out, let’s be honest here. But I mean, as scary as it was, ultimately I am happy I went through it. It reminded me that I can’t just check stuff off on my imaginary list and leave things be and keep moving forward seeking more and more.

It also reminded me to love myself more, to be myself, to embrace myself and be within and at ease with myself once more, which was such a relief. I feel like I took a lot of pressure off of myself by writing that log last night.

I went to the crystal store today and treated myself to some gems. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for, so I just browsed around for as long as I liked to see what resonated with me.

I picked this beautiful, glimmering, deep blue pendant that’s called “Blue Goldstone”, and a block of this raw unpolished smoky blue stone called “Blue Calcite”. Not too sure why I’m suddenly so attracted to the blue hues, but blue is the colour of the throat chakra (the chakra of communication) so I suppose it’s fitting that those are the ones that appealed to me, now that I’m trying to practice being as openly honest as possible with myself and everyone around me.

Anyways, once I left the store, I started looking up the stone meanings and man. It was so heart-warming and affirming to find and feel that somewhere, somehow, I’m still in tune with myself.

This is what I read about Blue Goldstone that quite literally made me tear up: “Goldstone is a gemstone that was made during medieval times. At the time, a monk was making glass. And he poured copper chips into the glass by accident He thought it was a big failure, but a very beautiful glass was made. This technique has been carried on for hundreds of years until now. From this story, it is known as a gemstone that can change failure to success or a gemstone that can create new value.

Blue Goldstone has a meaning and effect of giving positive energy to its owner. The sparkle inside can bring out your positive power. It is a gemstone that can change your thoughts positively. You would be able to have a support to achieve your dreams or goals. It gives its owner courage and self-confidence. Please use it to open up a bright future.”

I’m so happy that this is the stone that resonated with me (or perhaps it chose me?).

The Blue Calcite is good for meditation, for calming the emotions and releasing stress.

I really do think I was leaning towards the blue because I also need to open my throat chakra more and be able to express myself more openly and honestly.

Something I did want to talk about with myself – Adrian messaged and told me he’s close to reading the double sided note I wrote for him in the jar full of sweet notes I’d made for him over Christmas. I told him that I wanted him to tell me when he read that particular message because I had this whole elaborate plan in my head to tell him my true feelings (aka the three big words) once he did.

I’m not so sure now though. Could it be fear?

Well, this is a discussion I’m going to have to have with myself tomorrow, because it’s super late and I woke up at 6:30 am today and I know how important sleep is. So, tomorrow it is.

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 35 – February 4th, 2019 (the real log)

It’s been a really long time since I wrote something that wasn’t for anyone’s eyes but my own. I hadn’t really realized, but after having writing directly on my online log for the past couple months, I started writing with an audience in mind (knowing that people I know read my logs, therefore can check in on me through reading them – my own fault, my own fallacy).

It’s so hard to even write this without wondering if I’m going to post this online and whether or not I should filter or censor myself. But from what? For whom? And why?

These logs are supposed to be my safe space. My place for connecting with myself so I always have a good idea about what’s going on with me, and why.

I’m just going to type whatever comes into my head, which I haven’t done for a while.

Okay.

Well.

I don’t really know what’s going on with me. I get into these moods, these “lows” where I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. Listless, restless, bored. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I can’t even sit with myself without distracting myself somehow, like being on my phone or watching a show, or listening to music even. I have to constantly be stimulated in some way, or else I start to get anxious or listless again. Something always needs to be consuming my attention.

But I’m not doing things that feel like, “productive” or beneficial. I keep thinking back to last year, and the year before, and how everything just felt like it fell into place and just clicked. I feel like I was so in tune with myself and so sure of everything I was learning and everything I knew. I’m not sure what changed from then until now, but I want to know. I know that progress is a series of roving hills and it’s not always easy or a steady incline upwards. But in a weird way, for some reason I feel like I need to get back on track.

So my brain goes, “what am I doing wrong?” and it shouldn’t be that question. I don’t even know what the question should be. Where do I start?

Where did I start when I first began?

Well, I started talking to people. I started talking to Sera, Nadia, strangers. But now, I don’t trust anyone enough to talk to. I don’t even know what to say to anyone because I barely understand or know how I’m feeling myself.

I feel like I’m feeling like this because I’m straying further from my purpose, whatever that purpose may be. I feel like I kind of knew it, I was in tune with myself, my needs, my inner voice, my intuition, and all of a sudden I slowly started to veer off track.

Like, I’m suddenly questioning everything a lot more. My faith in everything I knew seemed so unshakeable before, and now it’s like I’m uncertain.

I don’t know if it’s because I take everything I read literally – like I just finished “The Rebel Buddha” and it told me to question anything that seemed like blind faith, and that makes sense. I don’t think it’s good to go too long without questioning why you believe in the things you believe in, because YOU change and your truth changes along with it, right.

Just keep being honest, don’t think.

Okay well, I haven’t been feeling this low consistently. It’s not like I wake up every day feeling listless. Sometimes I “forget” or it feels like I forget and I have good days again where my mind is occupied and I’m doing things. Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to keep myself busy by doing anything and everything regardless of whether it’s beneficial to me or not?

I also feel like I’ve been monitoring myself so much, trying to watch myself, that I’ve almost created a complete dualistic sense of self. Like there’s a “me” who’s typing this, and there’s a “me” who is watching me type and think and feel all these things, but it’s also aware of the pretty bad heart burn I have going on right now.

Alright, let’s figure this out. What’s up? What’s going on? What’s on your mind, what’s bothering you? Just, let it all out.

I don’t know what to believe in. Do I try to kill my ego self and be detached from the idea of “self”? How do I do that if that’s even what I wanted to do? Will that really bring me peace? Or do I try to keep manifesting everything I want for myself and my life through the Law of Attraction and keep being positive and keep trying to reinforce positive feelings and gratitude and visualizing what I want for myself when I barely even know what that is to begin with?

What’s right? What’s wrong? Why am I even asking that if everything is one and I am a part of this one? Why do we have such an urgency to classify all our experiences, thoughts and emotions as either good or bad or right or wrong in the first place?

What path do I want to follow and apply to my life? What feels best for me? I’ve read so many books and they’ve all resonated so much with me and each has had something important to teach me.

All of these things are external things though right? Outside of myself? Aren’t I supposed to be looking inwards?

Do I keep things simple? Or do I not keep things at all? I don’t even know what I’m asking or why I’m asking things at all anymore.

Have faith and trust the process. I have those two phrases tattooed on my body because I believed in them so much I wanted them to be a part of me forever. Let go, “it is written”. All these lessons. I’ve forgotten how to listen to myself.

Okay, well… then I’m listening now. What do you want to say?

I think I’m having an existential crisis, LMFAO. That and a crisis of faith.

Man, that book really did a number on my head. But I guess that’s good though, because it made me think after all.

I guess a lot of these questions are stemming from fear. Fear that I’m blindly believing in what I believe in, wondering why I believe in it. But you know what? You want to know why I believe in what I believe in?

Because I’ve seen what I believe in with my own eyes. I’ve literally witnessed moments where I “let go”, “trust the process”, “have faith”, and then things just end up working out just fine in the end, and the gratitude comes naturally. I make a point of acknowledging it. I’ve fought so hard to have this faith because I’ve never really had it before. I’ve always lived my life in fear that something bad was going to happen. And it usually ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result.

I’ve seen it all. I’ve lived it all. I’ve seen how stepping back from my every day narrative allows me the clarity to handle the situations I come across in my life. I’ve acted on my intuition and ended up in situations I never dreamed possible before, in the best of ways. I’ve used the Law of Attraction and visualization and things have quite literally happened or appeared in my life exactly the way I’d imagined.

I had faith and my faith gave me a reason to believe.

I don’t want things to be complicated. I know it’s important to question yourself, question what you know, question what you believe in and keep questioning so that you never stop learning. But I don’t want to question myself from a place of doubt or fear. That’s not what the questioning is for. It’s for keeping and maintaining that clarity, it’s for clearing away any clutter I may have gathered along with everything I’ve learnt in the past two years.

It shouldn’t be a fearful or doubtful “if I don’t know what I know, then what DO I know?” it should be an optimistic and hopeful “if I know what I know, what more can I learn? And how can I add to it, change it, learn more about it, and reinforce it IF it serves me/my higher purpose?”

The questions I SHOULD BE ASKING: am I being my most authentic self? Am I being true to my deepest essence, that essence being my conscious awareness? Am I working to better myself and the world around me in the things I do and say? Am I doing what I’m doing with the best of my intentions and effort, or am I half-assing things in an auto-pilot mode because it’s so easy to fall back into that state of mind?

I’ve spent a portion of my life on autopilot. I don’t ever want to do that to myself again.

What do you want?

I want to stop living in fear. Questioning everything I do and why I do it, or the things I say. I want to stop constantly psycho-analyzing myself in a critical and judgemental way. I’m watching myself but I’m not watching myself objectively or even compassionately and that’s a lot of pressure to put on myself.

I want to be more responsible. I want to stop living in this make-believe fantasy land of denial where my actions will never have repercussions or catch up to me.

But in that same vein, I don’t want to worry about things all the time either. I don’t ever want to get to the point where I watch myself so avidly or strictly that I no longer allow myself to enjoy life or live it the way I want to.

And how do I want to live my life? What do I want from my life?

If I can spend my life helping others someway, or somehow, while still being able to do the things that make me the most happy and fulfilled (which is travelling, adventuring, learning, exploring) then my life would be perfectly content. I would be perfectly content with just that.

But I know I can’t just sit here and hope that’ll happen without doing anything to try. That’s why I’m still pursuing this degree. On the chance that perhaps I can actually use it to help others. Not just to make my mom happy, even if that is a big part of it. Even if a part of it is also proving to me that I can do it.

I’m not present. I’m still constantly projecting myself into a future that doesn’t exist yet, concerning myself with possibilities that won’t necessarily come to fruition and therefore tainting the beauty of my present moments.

I guess it just feels like there’s so much to be aware of, and it gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I’m trying to exert some more discipline in specific areas of my life and that’s challenging to me because I’m unfamiliar with the idea of discipline.

I want to help myself, I really do. I want to believe in myself, have faith in my life, and stop doing things to myself that causes me stress because it’s so unnecessary. If I could just have that little voice in my head, a voice of reason that says, “hey, let’s think about this logically – not because I’m trying to stop you from living your life but because I want to help you to live it better”, that would be amazing.

I’ve always said that my impulsivity is a huge part of who I am, but maybe it’s time to temper that aspect down a little in some areas of my life. I think I need some boundaries. And again, it’s not in punishment or in an attempt to control or limit myself. It’s time to start investing in myself and doing better for me, because I care about me. Not because I’m concerned with a future or what it may hold (although that is a concern) but because the things I do cause me stress. I stress myself out. It’s not good.

And another thing. I’m so focused on forcing myself to feel positive and good all the time that it’s starting to have the opposite effect. How do I go about that realistically?

Maybe I should stop taking things so seriously – and then the voice in my head goes, but you don’t take things seriously enough.

I think what I’m looking for is balance. The middle way, my middle way, whatever that may entail.

My idealistic life looks like this: I work out. I have time to read. I maintain healthy relationships with the people in my life with healthy boundaries that still protect my energies whilst still being able to put in effort effectively and meaningfully. I’m passionate about school, about the things I learn, about how I can apply them to life. I’m focused when I need to be focused, and when I know I need to do something, I don’t have any feelings of negativity or ill-will about them. And if I ever do, I can set those feelings aside because I know I have to do what I have to do for my greater good because I care about myself enough to. I work hard, I work enough, and the money that comes in – a part of it goes to a savings account for my personal interests such as travel or good food, and a part of it goes towards being able to live realistically (phone bills, but little things here and there that I want/need). I never have to ever worry about money because I always have enough and there’s always more coming if it goes. I meditate, and like, really meditate to the point that all I know is inner peace. I’m so in tune with myself that I’m never ever indecisive because I have complete faith in every decision I make and I’m perfectly okay with whatever outcome may occur as a result of the decisions I make. I do yoga. I have a dog. I travel the world. I write my book, I help millions of people across the globe come to terms with their self and the idea of self-love, self-compassion, self-awareness.

I’m happy. Content. At ease.

That’s my dream life. That’s the life I’m afraid to dream but the life that I want the most.

Why am I so afraid to dream these things? Why can’t I have the life I want for myself? What am I so afraid of? The things I’ve written here aren’t unrealistic or impossible.

None of this can happen unless I actually believe that it can though. I have to truly believe that it can be my reality and then work towards it, tirelessly. The Universe can’t conspire with me if I can’t even conspire with myself, after all. How can it help me if I can’t help myself? If I don’t believe in myself?

If people around me can attain their dream life, achieve their personal dream, work towards manifesting their deepest and most meaningful desires, there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t do the same for myself. No “buts”, no “if”, no “maybe”.

Do you genuinely believe that you can have this life? That you can make your “idealistic” dream a reality?

You’re young. You’re only 26. You’re counting down “time” on a timeline that doesn’t even really exist, not truly.

Do you believe that you deserve it?

Do you. Believe. You deserve it?

I want to type yes. I know I should. I’m scared that I don’t. But why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I deserve to make my dream life come true, and be my happiest most authentic self?

I don’t know everything. I’m okay with this. If there’s any part of me that believes I don’t deserve to be happy or to live a life I could only dream about, it has to go.

Once upon a time, I believed that I’d never find a guy like Adrian. Affectionate, caring, wonderful, adventurous, funny, someone who truly appreciated me and everything I had to offer. But two years ago, I shifted that way of thinking and began to believe and understand and KNOW that that’s exactly what I deserved. That I could have that. And I got it. I found him.

Why can’t the same go for the way I want to live my life? What about me or the way I live makes me deserve that any less?

I’ve always kind of just gone with the flow and the flow has been great, it really has been. But I think it’s about time to add some direction into my life. It’s time for some goals. It’s time for discipline, mindfulness, compassion and self-awareness.

Anything that doesn’t fall in line with this – doubt, fear, the thought that I deserve less, the idea of “impossible” or “unrealistic” – it’s all got to go.

I need motivation. Ambition. Confidence. Compassion. Discipline. And above all?

LOVE.

When’s the last time I told me I loved me? When’s the last time I did anything out of love for myself, rather than obligation or autopilot? What have I been doing to feed my self-love? It’s almost as though at some point in this journey, I was like, “okay, I love myself. Thank you, next” and I just left it at that, like a checked off box on some list. But it’s not like that.

I think I got really worried that my identity, my “ego-self”, would become so firmly rooted in everything I believe myself to be that I created a duality of doubt and judgement. But in this, all the self-love I spent so much time carefully curating, developing, nurturing, and growing, went straight out the window along with my idea of “self”. In trying to kill the idea of “me”, I also let in a whole bunch of old fears, patterns of thinking, and doubts.

I don’t want to live a life where I only see others through myself. That was my main goal in trying to eradicate my sense of “me”. I got so caught up in being the complete opposite of “self-involved” that I started neglecting myself, my wants, and my needs entirely. I lost track of what I was searching for what or why I began this journey in the first place.

I just want to do everything I do with the best of intentions. When I watch myself, it’s not because I want to carefully monitor everything I think, say or feel. It’s because I want to make sure that I’m being as authentic as I can be to what makes me, me.

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.

It literally feels like I unravelled some weird ass knot in my chest. Holy shit.

I’m still a little scared. Scared that I can see all of this for what it is and that I’ll still fall back into old habits. But I know exactly where that’ll lead me, because I’ve been there before. I spent six years of my life there, in autopilot mode.

My awareness to me, is doing the best I can for myself. And doing the best I can for myself entails: having faith, letting go, trusting the process, being compassionate, being honest, being fearless, and being in tune with myself. Loving myself. Having a “self”. Living life with a little bit of everything I’ve ever learnt because in the end, it really is the same message in so many different ways. Understanding that there is no one “right way”, only the way itself.

Hello, me. It’s good to see you again. I’m so sorry that I tried to escape you, that I believed you were anything other than me, to put you aside from me and berate you. I’m sorry I didn’t have patience for you, that I believed I was better than you or that I didn’t need you. We’re going to do better, together. You want that life? We’ll have it. But we have to make it happen as a team. No you vs me.

I know very well I have every capacity to be the “watcher” and that this voice in my head, the one that I’m hearing, is me and not me at the same time. But I don’t ever want to become that dualistic-minded again. That exercise was not in an attempt to create a divide, but to create an objective awareness that will allow me to do better for myself, to react better, to think and feel more efficiently. And all of that stems from self-love.

I have to come back to this log. I have to remind myself. I have to do better. Things have to change. I have to change. I need to do differently. I will not, EVER, EVER, EVER go back to autopilot mode. EVER. I will not become a drifter again.

It was a refreshing change to be honest with myself for once. Even now, I’m still trying to stop myself from writing from the perspective of “how will this be perceived” rather than “am I being honest and true to myself in my writing”. My writing has always been FOR ME, first and foremost. I have to re-train myself to get back to that mentality. I think I’m going to stop posting my logs online until I do.

Okay. I have things I have to do. And I really should get some sleep. But that’s it, no more listless, restless feelings. No more “muddled”. I want to be my friend again. I don’t want me to be a stranger to myself. That’s not going to help me or anyone else.

Off to bed now!

Love. Love always. And mean it.

Me.

Day 35 – February 4th, 2019

Hello!!!

I did it again. Left the log to the last minute and now, well… I don’t have the time to devote to writing this properly.

But on the bright side, I did get out of the house today and enjoy the beautiful weather we had. We went from a brutal near -30 degrees to a pleasant +10 today. I was feeling super restless too, so I decided to tag along with Olivia on her hair appointment. She went pink!! It looks incredible, and she looks AMAZING.

It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll have time tomorrow to sit down and really write a proper log. I can’t change anything now, but I can try to do differently tomorrow. Every day is a fresh start, right?

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 34 – February 3rd, 2019

Okay, as happy as I am that I’m writing consistently every day, these short little logs have got to go. I need to allot a certain amount of time per day to write out a proper log or else I’m doing this for nothing.

Luckily, I’m off tomorrow which means I can sit down and write a good and proper and honest log.

I don’t like that I feel like I’m forcing myself to do this at the moment for the sake of consistency so I’m going to cut this short and write properly tomorrow.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 33 – February 2nd, 2019

Oh man, I know these logs are gonna seem like a blur to me since I keep writing them so lately and so briefly, but still it’s good to know that no matter what I’m keeping up with writing them.

Today was so much fun!! Adrian and I had a double date with Leila and Cory (and I think this may have been our first double date ever aside from hanging out with Radha and her current guy at the time, when Adrian and I first started seeing each other).

It was so chill and good, and I’m really happy Adrian gets along well with Leila and Cory and enjoys their company too!!

We ended up splitting ways after dinner, so Adrian and I decided to go catch a movie afterwards since it was still early. We spontaneously even grabbed a bottle and smoked a joint beforehand just because we’re slightly wild hehe. It was such a good movie though, holy crap.

Anyways, I’ve got an 8 hour shift tomorrow (for the first time in a while!) so I should probably get some shut-eye. Reminder though: don’t forget to talk about running into those people at the LCBO that Adrian knew and the conversation that happened during! Interesting stuff.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 32 – February 1st, 2019

And just like that, the first month of this new year is over! Wow it went by quick.

I’m honestly fighting to write this log because I’m soooo sleepy, but I’m proud of myself for doing so. It’s been a long but amazing day!

So I got all the test results back from my doctor regarding every single thing we screened for, including my CT scan and guess what! Everything came back clear!!!! Literally everything we specifically tested for, all cams back in the negatives which means I don’t have anything serious that will change or impact my life! WHOO HOOOO!

Man, I got so lucky. It could have been so much worse. I really do need to take my health more seriously and also pray for it, acknowledge it, be thankful for it. I have to take better care of myself.

Tonight was fun – I went out with Krystal, Chad and their friend Tomas to Vape Lounge to chill, and then after we went to Sugar Marmalade and pigged the fuck out, which was delicious and awesomeeeeeeeeee. Still kinda high tbh LMAO.

Okay, I should sleep. Good start to the month so far though. Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.