Day 190 to 198 – July 9th to 17th, 2018

Hello there! So it’s been a whirlwind of a past week, but in all the best kinds of ways for sure. I can definitely say without doubt that I am making the most of this summer and that makes me so happy.

So this past week – it was packed to the brim with full-time hours and as bad as it felt in those moments where my 8 hour shifts felt extra-drawn out, I managed to make it through. Which just goes to show that nothing is ever as bad as it seems to be, regardless of how it may seem in the moment.

And another thing – I don’t want to live my life on “fast forward”. I find that when I’m in moments I don’t want to be in, I’m constantly trying to figure out how to make time pass by as fast as possible, constantly waiting for the next moment, wondering when it’s been enough time to check what time it is. I don’t want to do this, because then when it comes to the moments I’ve been really waiting for, they feel like they’re on fast forward too, no matter how present I try to be in them.

I have to learn to accept every moment as it is, for what it is. I have to learn how to become comfortable with my discomfort.

Anyways, these past couple days have more than made up for the past five days of full time shifts. These past couple days have been… above and beyond anything I could have possibly imagined for myself. I’m so incredibly happy, so content and so luminously at peace. At the same time, I feel so much emotion – good emotion, the kind of purity that you can’t help but feel in every corner of your heart.

In the midst of all my shifts this past week, Adrian happened to message and asked me if I was free Monday and Tuesday because he finished work really early and started work late in the evening the next day, and proposed we go to a beach. By some happenstance, I happened to be off both Monday and Tuesday as well so I told him that that worked out for me quite well. In reply, he asked me if I would be down to spend the night in the area, rent out a bed and breakfast.

LOOOL me through text: “that sounds absolutely lovely”. Me in person: *runs around in happy dancing laps throughout my department, jumping the whole way*

This was our first little getaway trip, a little trial-run if you will. Yeah, I’ve spent weekends over at his and vice versa. But this would be the first time that we spent the night together somewhere other than in each others’ homes, and I was so, so incredibly excited that he asked.

A little bit of an update on my feelings before I dive into these past couple days: I am head over heels, and over again if that’s possible. Last week when we spent some time with one another after I got back from that cottage weekend with my cousins, I got a moment to ask him some questions that I’d been meaning to ask him for quite some time. And when I apologized for coming off as invasive (if I did), he was more than understanding – in fact, he insisted that I ask what ever I want, as we’re still getting to know one another. In turn, I told him he’s more than welcome to ask me whatever he’d like as well, and that I’m an open book.

That same day while we were lying together in his bed, he was telling me how he’d like to have me over for a night where he does all the cooking, and we play my favourite music, a night where I don’t lift a finger at all. And all I remember is staring at him, blinking, before snapping back to reality and telling him how lovely that sounded.

How do I tell him that I’ve never been treated this way before? That I’ve never felt this adored, or cared for? That in all my years of seriously dating, after two long-term relationships over the span of six years, that this is the first time I’ve ever felt this special even though we’re only a couple months into seeing one another?

I know I’ll find a moment to, when I’m meant to. But it’s moments like these that have me falling deeper and deeper.

And these past two days… absolute magic. The kind of magic I felt whilst sitting across from him in that coffee shop on the date that began it all. It’s been magic from start to present.

I spent the night before making tuna sandwiches for the road, and I even bought guacamole ingredients so that I could throw something together at night if we got hungry. I usually hate avocados but the guacamole that my sister and Daniella have made lately has me sold on it, to the point that I’ve been craving it myself lately.

And he was so happy about these little things! He said I’m the “most wonderful person in the world”, which warmed my heart.

On the way there, he played the whole Lumineers album because he knows it’s my favourite. And even though he doesn’t like the sound of Dallas Green’s voice of City & Colour, he still played my ultimate favourite road trip song, “Runaway”.

When we got there, both of our breaths were taken away. The view of the lake from our cozy little loft was absolutely stunning. You could easily see the contrast in the blue of the water versus the blue of the sky. And oh my goodness, our cozy little place – it was above a refurbished garage, almost like a guest house in the back of a cottage, and it was so quaint and wood-paneled and it reminded me so much of Elizabeth’s cottage.

Even the littlest of details were so me – there was a cute little comfy nook with a shelf of books for reading, my favourite tea was tucked away into one of the cabinets, there was even a sketchpad and oil pastels in a drawer right next to the window with the prettiest view. I loved it so much, the pictures definitely didn’t do this place justice.

And even though it rained, we made the most of it. Honestly, I think even if it didn’t rain, I don’t think we would have gotten very far LOL. I know we’re still kind of in that place where we can’t get enough of one another, and I’m totally okay with that. It’s enthralling and chemical and I can feel tingles right down to the tips of fingers and toes when  I think about how he makes me feel.

We really did make the most of it though – I put on music, and we cut the ingredients of the guacamole together while I danced around, and every couple moments he’d lean over to press a kiss against the side of my head or on my shoulder or cheek, just the way I pictured it’d be. We smoked up and had some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life about absolutely every thing. About life, about attachment, about being present, about being non-reactive, even what it’d be like if every single drug in the world became legalized. I like that he can make me see things in different perspectives, our little “debates”. We make each other think, which I love.

Another thing I love – he’s so like me in his appreciation for the beauty in life. There was a moment I was just puttering around the loft and he was just about to go outside for a bit, when he called me down and told me to come join him real quick. And when I did, it turns out it was because he wanted to show me how beautiful the sun looked setting over the lake. It was… stunning. Everything was lit with this beautiful iridescent rose-gold hue from the sliver of sunset that wasn’t covered by clouds.

There was this moment where we were lying together in bed, and we made eye contact and we were just smiling contentedly at each other. And all of a sudden, the moment changed. Maybe it was just me. But all of a sudden, there was this rush of emotion in my throat, and I had to look away. It felt like I had so much to say but I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel like it was time, yet.

And when we finally fell asleep, there’d be moments where I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he’d be lying there oh so comfortably against my shoulder, holding me close.

In those moments, I don’t know if he could feel it or not, but I’d kiss his cheek or forehead and all I could do was hope that he felt how deeply I’ve grown to care about him. After all, that place in between being asleep and being awake… 

The next day (today) was equally as lovely. Waking up together is definitely one of my favourite things in the world. His sleepy smile once he feels me close to him, the way he wraps his arms and legs around me so we’re perfectly entwined. How good it feels to be so close to him.

Since we had time, he made me tea and then we cuddled together in the cozy little reading nook next to the window with the beautiful view. And then I asked him if he’d like to meditate with me.

I played us a guided meditation that I’d recorded a while back, a meditation about letting go of old emotions, thoughts, judgments and much more, as well as being in the present moment.

It was incredible. At first, I was so excited to be meditating with him that all I could think about was how the words sounded to him. But then after awhile, I settled into the meditation, and soon it felt like I was so far away from where I was. There with him, but also far away. It was so peaceful, so still.

Once it ended, he slowly opened his eyes and he looked… just, illuminated. We sat and talked about it for a while, and he was so incredibly relaxed and content. We talked about the power of meditation, how it’s helped me with my anxiety, how it helps with life in general. He mentioned that he’d let himself go into it so well that he’d felt light-headed and a tingling in his arms even.

And this is what led us into our amazing conversation about the nature of being reactive, of letting go and being patient with others. He talked about his own mind frame regarding those things, and even now after these past couple months I’m still so blown away by how alike our outlooks are and how similarly we see things. He’s so positive, just like me. And he’s so into being introspective and trying to grow as a person, which is so incredibly amazing and makes me so happy to hear.

And once again, that moment happened. That moment where he was just regarding me, smiling quietly, and I had to look away once more due to the rush of emotion I felt. This time he caught it though, and all I could simply say was that I was happy. He even mentioned how it looked like I was about to cry, but I didn’t address that and changed the topic instead. Because…

I wanted to tell him how deeply I’ve fallen for him from the moment we’ve met, and every moment since. I wanted to tell him that maybe only a year ago, if anyone would have told me it was possible to be this happy, to be this revered and adored and cared for, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me that he was so open to the things that have become so important to me and my self-growth – the fact that he was willing to listen to me without judgment when I talked about chakras, or even the simple act of meditating with me. It meant more to me than I could convey.

And all the little things he did – like insisting he wash all the dishes since I’m the one who brought and prepared our food, or how he cleaned the entire loft right down to folding my clothes into a neat little pile at the foot of our bed while I was showering even though I had insisted that I wanted to help with the clean-up.

He’s amazing. And I wanted to tell him all of that. How much I appreciate him. How deeply I feel towards him. But my gut wouldn’t let me. I think that moment is coming, and I’ll know it when it does. For now, we have this. We have these unspoken moments where we look at each other and everything just clicks, and I know he feels exactly the same way that I do without either of us having to say anything to one another.

Once we checked out, he ended up driving me all the way home, and since we still had time before he had to leave to work, we got some Caribbean take-out food and ate it together at my home before he had to go. And it’s funny – despite all that time spent together, I still felt sad when he had to go, as though it wasn’t enough. I honestly love his company. Even the moments where we’re quietly doing our own thing – like when I’d be reading in my own space, and he’d be making himself coffee off in the kitchen. We vibe well together in so many different capacities.

We talked a little bit about my travels, and he casually asked me when I was planning on going to New Orleans. Once I told him the dates I was thinking in early October, he asked me if I was planning on going on my own and I said I might. And then he said that he just might “high-jack” my trip and tag along!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, ever since I’ve mentioned that flight deal to him, I’ve been hoping I’d get some kind of chance to ask him if he’d like to come with me. But of course, the universe was one step ahead of me. I lightly said that was absolutely okay with me and that I’d love the company, even though on the inside my heart was doing triumphant cartwheels all around the inside of my chest.

Once he left, he texted me later on and this conversation had me tearing up all over again (why am I so goddamn emotional these days!?!?!) He was like: “So… I lied. I told you when I started work, I’d take a second to stop thinking about the past couple days to look at Amazon stuff. I haven’t been on Amazon yet, and my mind hasn’t been on anything BUT the past couple days. So, I’m a liar. :)”

And I replied: “These past couple days… have been literally just as magical as those moments I sat next to you in St. Lawrence Market. You know, that moment when I simply told you “I’m happy” it was full of emotion because honestly, I’ve never been treated this way – the way you look at me, those little considerate things you do, how special you make me feel… that’s why I thank you for being you. You’re truly amazing, you really are.”

And here’s what got me, in his reply: “A first impression is wonderful, but consistency is key. So I’m very happy to hear that you feel the magic too. I do remember – I want to make you feel warm, like an internal hug, you know? I want you – around me – to feel like cinnamon buns and mangoes. That first sip of tea when the wind hurts your face, that first spoonful of chili in the dead of winter. While I can’t promise that all the time, I will promise that nothing makes me happier than seeing you wrapped up in a freshly dried towel, or the smile on your face when you came out of the shower to see a clean room.”

Cinnamon buns and mangoes. We’ve both talked about how nothing compares to the first bite of a fresh and juicy mango on a hot summer day, or the warm scent of cinnamon in the midst of a crisp winter. The feeling that these experiences evoke.

One time when I was at his house and I had to shower, he threw a towel into the drier solely so that when I came out of the shower, I’d have a freshly warm towel to wrap myself into once I was all done.

It’s these little things that have me feeling the way that I feel.

One day, I’m going to tell him all of these things. One day, I’m going to tell him how I feel. The moment I knew I would fall harder than I ever have, the moment I knew I could, and the moment I knew I did. One day, I’m going to tell him that this is the most connected I’ve ever felt to anyone to the point that if he were to walk away from me, I would not ask him to stay. Because the depth of how I feel about him is not based on attachment, and the beauty of all the ways he’s made me feel in such a short time is more than I ever could have possibly imagined. Every moment he has given me, every moment of peace, contentment and happiness is more than enough. More than I’ve dreamed. 

Goodness, am I ever in love LOL. I think this may be the first time I’m saying it to myself. And I know, that in time and the more that we get to know each other, the depth of that love is only going to grow.

It scares me to my core to type these words. I’ve been refusing to acknowledge them, pretending they don’t exist, because I’ve been so afraid of attaching any labels to what this is. I love how beautifully it’s grown in its freedom, you know? Free of being boxed into a label, free of attachment, free of societal expectations or time frames.

But my deeper self knows it’s okay to say those words. I’m not afraid. No matter what happens. I want to fall in love with every experience I’m given in this life whole-heartedly, every person I come across that I’m meant to meet in this life. I want to operate from a vibration of Love in everything I do or say, no matter whom or what its towards.

This isn’t love from attachment, it’s love from gratitude and appreciation for who he is as a person and everything he’s shown me thus far. It’s love for the deeper wounds that I can see from afar, love for the growth he’s eager to acquire. Love for the little things, love for the freedom of it all, for the stillness and the peace I get from being around him. Love for the way he looks at me like he’s never quite seen anyone like me before. Love for how easy it is to be around him, to be with him, to laugh with him.

And that’s why I’m not really afraid. Because when it’s not love based on attachment, it doesn’t matter whether or not it comes or goes. I’m not trying to hold onto it, but I’m trying to be in it with all that I have for its beauty and nothing more than that. You don’t need to pick a flower and “keep it” in order to appreciate its beauty, after all. You can just see it for what it is, appreciate it, and allow it to grow further in its freedom to do so.

When you stop fearing pain, when you’re sound in yourself and in your own self-love, it’s easy to love everyone else in your life. You stop fearing the “what if’s”, you stop fearing all the outcomes based on attachment. And your love only grows. Rooted firmly in compassion and trust and honesty and communication. Full of light.

So, here I am. In this present moment, completely head over heels for an incredibly beautiful soul that I’m so lucky to have met. And I’m more than happy to let it be just that, exactly as it is. I don’t need to say it, because I know I display it in every thing I do, say, the way I kiss him and in the way I look at him. When the words are meant to be said, the universe will call their vibration into play. I’ll know when.

He’s perfect. For everything he is, for who he is. He’s more than I could have dreamed, and I am so, so incredibly thankful to the Universe with every fiber of my being.

I promise to be filled with light, with frivolity and happiness and fun and laughter, when it comes to this. I promise to allow every moment to be exactly as it is meant to be, no fear. I promise to be there for him in every and any way that I can be, so that we can elevate our vibrations together as we see fit. To learn as much as I can teach.

So much beauty to this life, there really is.

Anyhow, that summarizes everything I’ve experienced, everything I think and feel as of late! Tomorrow, we’re going to the Lauryn Hill concert that he asked me to go to with him sometime in early May. At that time, this day seemed so far away, but here we are.

We might potentially have found someone to take over some of my shifts and join the team temporarily!!! She’s starting tomorrow, so fingers crossed that she ends up being a good addition to the team.

I have so much faith now, more than I’ve ever had at any point in time in my life. Faith that everything is going to work out exactly as it is meant to, no matter what it may entail. It’s such a beautiful feeling. Faith is the bright and shining sword full of light that I wield against the dark shadows of my fears, lighting the way as far as its meant to be lit.

I wish this same faith for every person I love in my life. Everything is going to be more than okay. It’s going to be beautiful, for exactly what is is, and how it is. You’ll see. And if you’re already seeing it now, then don’t lose sight of it. You’re loved and you are love.

Love, love, love in all ways,

Me.

Day 186 – 189 – July 5th to 8th, 2018

Hello! So, I’m back from our epic cottage weekend and I have tons to write about. It was wild to say the least, but honestly it’s definitely going down in history as one of the craziest weekends of my entire life. But before I delve into this past weekend, I want to back track to Thursday night because that was also one of the best nights I’ve had this summer as well.

So Thursday night after work, Adrian picked me up and we went to Han Ba Tang, and I was so so excited about sharing this place with him because it has such character and the food is fucking incredible. And he loved it!!! We ordered a bunch of things and shared them together, and literally everything was so delicious. I love that we keep taking turns planning out date nights and bringing each other to incredible food places or finding cool things to do.

After dinner, I told him to choose what we did next and he decided we’d go to a vapour lounge since I’ve never been before and I was so excited. Turns out, it was the lounge he used to go to before and there was also a UK candy store nearby, so we picked up a bunch of candy and headed to the lounge. It was so cool – we had to smoke the vape out of this massive bag like thing and the vapour was so smooth, we didn’t cough at all. And the high was so good, like this body-buzz you could feel all throughout.

We had so much fun – we watched some Planet Earth, and then we got out Guess Who and started playing. At the last round of Guess Who, we both chose the same person and we both were so in awe LMAO. We do that a lot though, our brains are in sync a lot of the time. After a couple hours of just mellowing out, we decided to head out because it looked like it was about to rainstorm really badly and we wanted to get home safely. But by the time we left, it had already begun to pour and neither of us had an umbrella.

He suggested that he could go run to the parking lot on his own and bring the car around so I could stay dry, but I told him it was totally okay and I didn’t mind a little rain. So we ran together in the rain and the lightning and thunder, and it was so ridiculously rom-com level cheesy but I loved it so much! He even said it himself; he pointed out how in rom-coms the female lead runs through pouring rain and magically doesn’t ruin her make-up or looked dishevelled and how he didn’t think that was real life, but somehow I was defying that and still looked amazing whilst being drenched by the rain. (He’s so incredibly sweet, I cannot).

But my favourite part? Once we got back to his car, instead of us getting in, he spontaneously pulled me close instead and kissed me in the rain. And holy hell, what a kiss it was.

After, he pulled away and asked me if that was too cliché but I was so happy that I couldn’t even speak so all I did was shake my head and smile. Once we eventually made it back into the car, I told him that I’d never been kissed in the rain before and that that had been my first time ever, so he’d knocked yet another thing off of my bucket list. I also explained that that was not too cliché because I literally live for cheesiness and I’m a walking cliché myself.

We spent some more time together after that and I’m not going to get into it in detail but I will say that after we were just sitting together for a while and we were just contemplating the nature of our chemistry. I don’t think either of us can fully comprehend it (at least I know that I definitely can’t sometimes) but we both agreed that it’s something else and neither of us can get enough of the other.

All in all, yet another perfectly amazing date night. I honestly don’t know how, but each date or every time we hang out keeps getting better than the last time. I think with him, it’s easy for me to be present – I catch myself staring at him all the time, just memorizing the little details in his smile or the way he laughs. I’m present in the moments he’s close to me, or when he’s kissing me. Maybe that’s a part of why being around him feels so good; because it demands that I remain present in those moments, in order to truly experience every magical minute of it all.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that night! Onwards to this past weekend.

Honestly, all I’m going to say about it is that each and every time we all get together, it ends up turning into some kind of crazy adventure or insane shenanigans. But, we make it through those moments together, end up bonding closer than ever, and have amazing memories to show for it afterwards. It was a wild weekend filled with all sorts of different experiences, but all in all it happened exactly the way it was meant to and that’s that.

We all definitely had an incredible time and I know for sure none of us are going to forget this past weekend for as long as we live. And I’m so happy that this is my family, you know? We all have something different to offer, but it’s always so easy to be around one another.

So, the first week of July comes to a close already. This month, I’ve been given a ton of hours because there’s only me and Sharon working for the company mostly, but I’m hoping someone else will come on the team for the summer and take some of the hours to balance things out. We’ll see what’s meant to be!

I just want to take this moment to connect with myself and say this: I’m thankful. I’m grateful that I’m surrounded by such incredible people, beautiful souls and such amazing energy. I’m loved, I am protected and I am happy. That’s all I can ask for.

It’s going to be a great month! Summer’s always a wonderful dream.

Until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

Day 185 – July 4th, 2018

Hello! Today was a good day – I finally returned to work after a week of being off and it was actually so nice to go back! Even though it was dead, the shift actually flew by quite quickly and pleasantly. I ran the errands I had to run right after, and now here I am with a plastic bag tied around my head because I’m attempting to dye my hair pink, LMAO. I bought the dye on a whim today but honestly, it’s so light that I’m not sure it’s going to take to my blonde very well. Even if it slightly tints it, I’ll be happy! But we’ll see.

Anyways, back to the task at hand on catching up what I’ve missed. So, this past weekend was CRAZY, but absolutely and completely amazing and probably one of the best weekends I’ll have had this summer.

Friday night, Radha came over to chill and slept over as well, because the next day she came with me and my family to our annual road-trip to Midland church which is somewhere up north close to Wasaga, -ish. That Saturday was so fun –we even went to a lake that we used to go to when we were little, back when the Midland road-trip was a regular thing.

Saturday night once we got back, Adrian and I had a chance to hang out and once again, he took me for yet another incredible date night – he drove us to this quaint little place in New Market with almost a village-y feel, very rustic. We went to this incredible Mexican restaurant that’s been featured on the Food Network, and oh… my… god. The food. It was SO GOOD.

After dinner, he took us to this artisan ice cream place for dessert where we each got a gourmet ice cream cone, and then we sat in the trunk of his jeep in the parking lot and ate them together. There were moments where it got a little messy and the ice cream would end up on my chin but he’d kiss it away and I know it was so cheesy but it’s also so romantic and ahhh my heart is so ridiculously happy that it might just combust into teensy little confetti-sized pieces of joy.

I finally got a chance to tell him that our drive-in move date was the best date I’ve ever been taken on and he was so happy, it was so incredibly endearing. But I truly meant it. Actually, all of these dates are pretty much the best dates I’ve ever had. Not just because of what we’re doing or where we are or what the date entails – but because of him. Because of the way he looks at me, because of the way he tells me how beautiful I am, each and every single time we’re together. Because of the way he takes every opportunity he can to kiss me, regardless of whether it’s at a red light or in the midst of other people.

We were talking about our plans for the summer and all the things we want to do and he’s even mentioned that he’s got one or two places up his sleeve that he wants to surprise me with and I just… this is more than I ever thought possible for me, you know? Which is funny, because this is exactly the quality of happiness that I deserve. All I mean really is that I’m just so truly grateful, and I’m so happy. I’m so thankful. To him, to how incredible he is, to the universe for bringing him into my life, and just to life itself, I’m thankful.

And, I’m glad I didn’t settle for just comfort. I’m glad that I strived for this level of happy, because all of this has made me realize just how possible it is, just how real magic can be if you truly believe in it and settle for nothing less.

Anyways, I got back late Saturday night, slept for about two hours, and then all the families left around 3 or 4 in the morning to trek out to Tobermory in the northern part of the Bruce Peninsula!!! Honestly, this may have been one of the best days of my life actually – we scaled down the side of a rocky cliff to get into this little cave where the water was lit up a magical turquoise-blue colour that I’ve only ever seen in the Caribbean. Who would have thought we had magical places like that here!? I guess it just goes to show that you don’t have to go far to find what you’re looking for!

We climbed along the rocks up onto a ledge in order to jump into the beautiful pool of blue waters and HOLY SHIT was it ever freezing but MAN was it ever worth it!!! It was such an adrenaline rush. Not to mention, on the other side of the cave, there were massive cliffs that people were climbing up onto in order to jump into the waters below. And you bet I was jumping right off those cliffs too. It was super scary at first and I was terrified to jump but just like everything else in my life, there’s no way to truly live life without leaving your comfort zones, eh? So I jumped, and each time I did was more incredible than the last and that’s how I want to live my life.

After Tobermory, we trekked over to Sauble beach and spent the rest of the day there just soaking up the sun and playing in the water altogether until the sun set. Once night fell, we all cozied together on the sand to watch a magnificent firework display right on the beach.

It was such a perfect day. And then the next day, Radha came over again to come with me and my family and Trevor to Wasaga beach, where we spent the day also alternating between swimming and reading on the beach.

All in all, it was an incredible summer weekend.

But I’ve got to admit, by the end of it, every single cell in my entire body was screaming out for at least one moment of alone time, LMAO.

I spent so much time last summer just spending time with myself, taking myself out to movies, and dinner, and having quiet moments to myself. Hell, I went to another country this year on my own and spent nights by myself in my hostel room, perfectly happy with my own company, with the quiet and the stillness. This summer has been the complete opposite; it feels like every single moment of my free time has been divvied up between every single person I know and I haven’t had a moment to myself in eons. On the one side, I love how much fun I’ve been having with everyone. But on the other side, after all this non-stop motion and action, I needed a moment to just breathe and rest by myself in complete silence.

So, that’s what I did yesterday – thankfully, I didn’t have to return back to work right away so I spent the whole day yesterday just catching up on sleep, reading, and of course, writing, and I feel a lot better now; much more rejuvenated and back to my regular energy.

I’m ready for this upcoming weekend – all the cousins and Olivia and I will be heading up to a cottage, and for the first time ever we’ll be spending a weekend away from our parents!!! We’re all so excited, and this trip is going to pave the way for future trips that we’ll take on our own.

Anyways, I am finally all caught up on everything I’ve missed. So, how it going currently?

Well, I’ve had some realizations lately about my thoughts on spirituality and detachment that I want to talk about, but before I get to that I want to talk about what occurred tonight – Leila and I just had a really good and constructive conversation about the state of our friendship and things that recently went down between us.

We were honest and straightforward, and it was healthy and wholesome. After the Thursday night, I wasn’t quite sure what had happened because it had seemed like Leila had just removed herself from the conversation or shut down and I had no idea why, but it turns out she had gotten one of her awful migraines and didn’t want to take away from the events at hand.

We clarified all of our doubts and voiced our concerns just now, and I’m honestly so glad we did. I kind of knew that a conversation needed to be had, but honestly this whole thing made me realize I really do have such an aversion to things that aren’t particularly “easy” or “go-with-the-flow” and that’s why I wasn’t really sure how to proceed. But this conversation went so well, and it made me realize that life isn’t always going to be “easy” and there will be things in my life that I have to fight for, and I’m willing to do just that.

I’m so glad I went with my gut. I let my intuition guide me throughout that entire conversation, and instead of letting pride get in the way or fear build a wall, I chose to stay vulnerable, to stay compassionate. Because that’s who I want to be. That’s who I am. And that’s what I want to remember, moving forward. Compassion is key. Love should be the root of everything I do, say, or think. I can’t lose sight of this.

Which leads me to my recent revelations. So I just started a book called “The Presence Process”, which is basically Eckhart Tolle’s “Power of Now” applied to a science, an actual process. And at first, it was really hitting home – it pointed out to me how much “thinking” is a disease, and is addictive. ALL WE EVER DO IS THINK! Like actually; in every single task we do, our minds are constantly working behind that, constantly fixated on some past event or memory or thinking about some future task that’s meant to be completed.

We are NEVER in our present moment, never present, never completely. As I kept reading this book, the more I wanted to whole-heartedly succumb to this process of being in the present and detaching myself from both my past and my future by focusing solely on the Now.

And then I started getting anxious. Because I started thinking. I started fixating on how exactly to be “in the now”, if I was doing it right, and how come it wasn’t working for me. Not to mention, I started believing that the only way to find peace was to detach myself from everything, including my relationships and the emotions they entailed.

I don’t quite know which moment it was, but all of a sudden I realized it felt like I was going numb. I think it was some time yesterday.

I was watching an episode of “This Is Us”, when all of a sudden a huge wave of overwhelming emotion just swept over me and I just… let it be. I let it happen.

We spend so much time labelling and categorizing our experiences and emotions in order to believe that we have some kind of control over what happens to us. We say, “this is bad” or “this is good” or “I am feeling bad” or “I am feeling happy”, but all of these thoughts take away from the actual experience at hand. We never really just let things be for what they are and sit with these emotions, do we? We constantly have to know what we’re feeling and how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking and how we can both internalize and deal with it. We have to constantly be in control.

I don’t want to take an extremist approach to my journey into spirituality. I don’t want to be “ascetic” in the way I relate to others, or to myself. I don’t want to completely detach myself from everything and everyone on my quest for peace.

You know what’s going to bring me peace? You know what I finally realized will make me content in the most simplest of ways?

Love.

Like… real love. Love without limits, without attachment, without fears, without conditions. Love from within, love everywhere, love at all times. Love is the basis of compassion, the root of happiness, the reason for peace.

I want to embody love. I want to feel it towards everything, towards every person, towards every tiny blade of grass and every single ray of sun that touches my skin.

Buddhism teaches us that it’s the middle way that brings about peace and stillness. Well, my middle way is love. Love for life, love for it all, love for the “good” and the “bad”, love for the “pain” and the “joy” – all these experiences we have labelled, I want them all. I want to let them be what they are, exactly as they are, exactly as they happen. The “confusion” and “uncertainty”, all of it. I want to live so deeply and so passionately and so vibrantly that love shines through in every single thing that I do or say.

Because at the end of the day, at the end of my path, if I can say that I did all things with love, with the best of intentions and the kindest my heart could muster, then I can go (and be) in peace.

So, I accept I know nothing. I am learning as I go, growing as I do, as humbly as I can. I am nowhere that anyone isn’t, if that makes sense – I am right here, right along with everyone else, learning as everyone else does.

I kept wondering, time and time again, how one goes about being compassionate on a constant basis. How does one go about empathizing with everyone and everything all the time without succumbing to the energies of others? Love is the answer. Love is this infinite, immeasurable source from which all things can be drawn from endlessly. So, if I do all things from a source of love, my compassion will be endless and my energy will be boundless.

How can I embody this? By taking the time to understand people rather than judging them for what is seen. By setting aside my pride and letting myself be vulnerable, because vulnerability takes more strength than pride does. By offering people the exact same kind of compassion I can only hope to be offered myself. By letting the people I love in my life grow and learn exactly as they are meant to, and trusting in their processes, while being there in whatever capacity I can be, by leading by example. By believing in myself and my own capabilities, believing in the strength of my intuition and my connection to the Source. By being aware of my own pitfalls and defensive mechanisms as a result of the wounds I’ve gathered through my experiences and making it my personal responsibility to heal these wounds so that they do not reflect in my relationships, words, actions, thoughts and emotions.

This isn’t a destination. This is a journey. And this journey is the be-all and end-all.

And setting aside all this seriousness for a moment – I also need to lighten the fuck up too!!! I take things way too seriously sometimes when all it takes is just a good laugh or two to center myself once more. This journey isn’t all about keen focus and discipline (as important as those things are); it’s also the ability to be able to be light, to be airy, to let go, to go with the flow when need be, to know when to take things seriously and to know when not to. Life is beautiful, short and long, all kinds of fucking things, and it’s some things to some people and other things to others. In the end, all that matters is what your life is to you, and what you make of it.

I have so much faith in my process that it has no other choice than to be and happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to, no matter what that may entail. I believe so much in what’s meant for me, that it no longer makes any feasible sense whatsoever to worry about what’s to come. Nor is there any point to dwelling on what’s past. And that’s how I’ll learn to be present. One breath at a time, one less thought at a time.

I Am. Right here. Right now.

Wow, this was a good log man. And I’m not even high! LOOOOOOOL. Or maybe I am… on life.

Anyways, it is hella late and it’s time for me to hit the hay. It’s been a good day. It is a good day.

I’m not sure if I’ll find a moment to write tomorrow because I’ve got work, I’m hanging out with Adrian after my shift, and I still haven’t packed yet which means I’ll probably be doing so super last minute well into the night, heh. So if I don’t write, hopefully I’ll find a quiet moment to while I’m away. And if I don’t, well then… it is what it is eh?

Catch ya on the flip side!

Love, love, love, love, love (is all you need),

Me.

Day 173 – 184 – June 22nd to July 3rd, 2018

I can’t believe how much of a blur the last two weeks of June turned into! And now, we’re already three days into July. Time really does fly when you’re having fun eh!

It’s a bit of an understatement to say that I haven’t written in a while, LOL. These past two weeks have been totally jam-packed with all sorts of plans, people, adventures, moments and just beautiful hot summer days, so I’m happy. I was living in those moments as fully as I could, I’d like to believe.

I’m just going to skim briefly over some of the things that happened but not go into depth about them. Let’s see… so last, last weekend (the 23rd – 24th weekend), was CRAZY busy – I slept over at Adrian’s on Friday night, went straight from his place to a bubble tea fest in downtown with Leila and Cory, and then went from downtown to Brampton and stayed there for about three days to attend a house party with all the cousins and also to do Felicity’s makeup for prom!

And then during the week, I slept over at Leila’s and we had a spa day! It’s been a while since I’ve gotten my nails done but it was so much fun to get them done again. And also during that week, Adrian met Avery, Leila and Krystal spontaneously and it worked out so well! I think this particular thing, I’m going to touch upon a little bit more in depth actually before I launch into this past weekend which was literally the epitome of a perfect summer weekend.

So on the Thursday of last week, I had plans to watch the game with Radha, Avery, and Leila in Mississauga and I ended up asking Adrian to come through as well if he was free, and he happened to be! Honestly, it meant a lot to me that he made the trek all the way out from Richmond Hill to Mississauga just to hang out with me and meet my friends and watch the game with us. We all ended up going for lunch, and then to a pub afterwards to grab a drink and just chill and Krystal ended up meeting us there!

Afterwards when I was walking him back to his car, he told me that our friendships are a reflection of who we are and there was no doubt that I was surrounded by some pretty great people. I’m glad he got along with everyone and them with him! He’s super friendly and easy to talk to, very personable and upfront about who he is, so it’s no surprise that he was able to be as comfortable as he was with everyone.

When I talked to Avery about him after, he said he liked Adrian and gave him his “approval” LOL – he noted that he was friendly and funny, well-spoken, well-mannered and easy to talk to as well. He commended his taste in music and sports, and said he seemed mature.

He also pointed out that Adrian seemed different than the rest – he mentioned that Adrian seemed to challenge me more, that he makes me comfortable but also isn’t afraid to speak up and make me think.

Avery has been there for me through some of my worst moments; he saw directly what I went through with Don, happened to literally physically be there when I found out about the things that happened with Nick (the sexting, and the cheating). He’s probably one of the only people in my life who has actually witnessed what I went through in the moments that they happened. Even though I know not to hold stock in what other people think (especially when it comes to my relationships), I do consider his opinion important and I’m happy he saw what he saw and gave me his input; it meant a lot to me.

Even Krystal messaged afterwards to tell me that meeting Seb was lovely, she’s such a sweetheart. I would love to double date with her some time! It seems like all of us would really get along, LOL.

I’m really glad that Radha came as well. Not only was it nice to see her catch up with everyone, I’m sure her being there also had a hand in making Adrian feel comfortable with everyone as well. It all ended up working out perfectly, no pressure whatsoever.

 

Anyways, as much as I do want to talk about how incredible this past weekend was and as much as I’d like to update myself on me and my current mental, emotional, spiritual and physical state of being, this day is slowly dwindling to a close and I’m finally going back to work tomorrow. So, I think I shall hit the hay for the time being.

It was so nice to get back to writing though! I have a mission for this month thanks to a new book that I’m reading, and also I had a series of lovely revelations today that I would like to make note of in regards to my perspectives on detachment and spirituality.

Like I said at the start of last month – I’ll do my best to write every day. But you know what I’m realizing? Life’s not really meant to be documented to the T, is it? It’s meant to be lived. As presently and fully as possible. So… I’ll write when I can.

Until next time!

Love always, always and in every way,

Me.

Day 167 – 172 – June 16th – 21st, 2018

Alright so, I did lose track of days for a bit there BUT, I did do really well for the majority of this month thus far so it’s okay.

It’s been a great week thus far! The weekend came and went and it was amazing – that Saturday night ended up turning into a spontaneous night out where Adelaide and Leila ended up coming too, almost like a mini-reunion! And it’s so funny that it turned out that way too, because Leila and I always said we definitely wouldn’t mind hanging out with just Krystal and Adelaide sometimes, and it ended out working out that way perfectly.

It was such a fun night – we all caught up over what’s been going on, and then we bounced from place to place until we settled into this awesome chill bar kinda patio with a great view of the city.

I’ve been doing well with eating healthy still, and I cooked my own chicken breasts yesterday for the first time ever! Well, I mean, I marinated them on my own, but Adrian kind of helped with the cooking part LOL.

We hadn’t seen each other in a while so he came over yesterday to hang out for a while before he had to go off to his baseball and soccer games. It was sweet – he came over super early so that we could spend a majority of the day together, and we ended up going for a walk to get coffees from Tim Hortons, and sitting out on my patio swing for the majority of the afternoon.

I love that when we talk, we talk endlessly about everything and anything. And it’s not mundane surface topics either like about work or people. We never run out of things to say to one another and we’re always finding a way to teach the other something new.

There was one point when we were inside the living room when he told me that being in that room reminded him of the moment of our first kiss, (which to me, was a perfect moment I’ll always treasure). And then we started talking about the moment each of us knew we wanted to kiss the other. For him, it was in our lingering hug goodbye after our six hour coffee date; he said he’d felt it then, that pull. For me, it was during the coffee date LMAO. It was the moment he was telling me about this experience he had during his trip to Italy; his cousins stopped on a road overlooking the mountains, and told him to drink from a tiny spout of water that was coming out of a brick wall. At first, he’d hesitated, but once he drank the water, he realized it was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before.

It was the passion he had as he told me this story that reminded me so much of my own, regarding my travels and my open-mindedness to new experiences. That was the moment I’d looked at him and thought, “gee, I’d really like to kiss this guy right about now.”

It was a lot of fun, yesterday. It really doesn’t matter what we do or where we are – I’m more than happy to just be in his company, to be around him, even if it’s content silence.

Anyways, this week was a bit of a blur but I did have two days off and I made the most of it. I worked today, I work tomorrow but then this weekend is going to be jam-packed with all sorts of plans once again. We’ll see what’s meant to be! I’ll definitely try to find a moment to write tomorrow.

Love always,

Me.

Day 166 – June 15th, 2018

Hello! Super quick log today since Olivia has to work on an assignment.

We had the BBQ today and it was delicious! I ate healthily all day so that I could eat a little more than I have been tonight, and the hunger was well worth it.

Anyways, as early as it is, I’m feeling quite sleepy (and also wine-drunk), so I’m going to head to bed.

This may be the shortest log I’ve ever written, but at least it’s a log right!

Peace, love and harmony to all,

Love,

Me.

Day 155 – June 14th, 2018

Hello! I’m finally home from work, all settled in, and I get to have a nice evening to myself because I finished rather early. So I suppose tonight shall be the night I finish catching up about the weekend that just past (just in time for the weekend that’s coming up – wow does time ever fly!)

Where was I, regarding last weekend? I think I left off after the party on Friday, how well it went. Right!

Okay so the next day, which was Saturday, we spent the morning together with his friend Mark, and us three ended up getting into a really deep discussion about life, travel, food, and so much more. I started talking about meditation, and that led to me talking about how I got to this point in my life where I’m so much more at peace, and how it all happened. By the end of it, the two of them were just staring at me, mesmerized LMAO. Mark was like, “I actually don’t know what to say… I feel like saying congratulations? I don’t know man.” It was funny. Adrian was cute, he was like, “this is what I’ve been experiencing with her since we’ve met.” It was actually pretty cool how in depth the conversation got. I’m so glad we were all able to talk like that though, and vibe at that level. More and more as time goes on, I find that I’m able to attract like-minded people into my life! It’s been incredible.

Anyways, after that I headed to work for a quick shift, and after work I met up with my cousins in downtown for a wild night – I went back to Bar 244 with them (I haven’t been back since I got super drunk about 3-4 years ago and puked on a TTC train going home, heh… not one of my finer nights and literally the last time I’ve ever thrown up from drinking since then). But it was so much fun – I forgot to cheap the drinks are there! We got shots, mixed drinks, had a little bit of a shatter bar (which was AWESOME), and then headed to the dance floor to get a little wild. It was ridiculously fun, we were legit howling of laughter at some points when these two creepy guys were trying to get at us despite Chase being there with us.

All in all, it was a fantastic night and I’m so glad we got to do that because with all of us going to different schools, all of us living so far from one another and just the sheer amount of us, it’s hard to coordinate plans sometimes. But it’s definitely going to be an amazing summer with them and I can’t wait.

And then lastly, on Sunday, Radha and I had plans to go to Cabana Pool Bar but instead, we decided to go somewhere near Scarborough Bluffs to this hidden little spot of beach so that we could have a picnic and meditate. I found this strain of weed that apparently works really well for meditation or spiritual matters, so we smoked a little bit of that and ended up getting into a super deep conversation and then an amazing meditation session afterwards. I actually witnessed her growth in the few short hours we were together, as I taught her more about what I’ve learnt in the past year and a half about re-wiring the ways in which you think and feel in order to be in the middle way.

We even lied down on the top of her car in the sun in the parking lot and just meditated there for a bit, regardless of how crazy we looked to everyone else LMAO. I love stuff like that though, and who cares what anyone thinks!

That’s how the weekend was! It was great, jam-packed full of amazing memories, good vibes and great people.

Let me talk about now though, this current present moment – how am I doing!

So, on Monday, I didn’t get a chance to mention the conversation I got into with Sera that ended up directly affecting my current state. Basically, we got into a discussion about health and eating healthier and being more fit, and I confessed to her that lately, I’ve been feeling sick and sluggish after my meals and I was well aware that I was treating my body poorly. I haven’t worked out as of late, and not to mention my sugar habits had gotten out of control. Which isn’t good at all because diabetes runs on either side of my family. I’d also noticed that in the past month or two, I’ve gained about twelve pounds.

I want to say I don’t care about how I look, but that’s a lie. But I can say honestly, I don’t want to be unhealthy. This body is the only thing I have harbouring my soul, my mind, my heart, my spirit and everything that makes me, me. I have so much left to do on this earth before I go and if I don’t start acting like it now, it’s going to end up hitting me later perhaps at a point that it’d be too late to reverse the damage.

I want to start treating my body the way I’ve nourished my mind and my soul for the past year and a half. I put so much effort into feeding both my mental state and spiritual state – it’s time to do the same for me physically too. I want to have energy that doesn’t stem from six teaspoons of sugar in my tea. I talked so much about self-love this past year and a half and forgot about the part where this body is only temporary. There’s treating yourself, yes, but there’s also moderation and I haven’t had much of that when it comes to my eating habits, as of late.

So from that day, I decided to cut out sugar for a while (and eventually reintroduce it in moderation and in healthier forms, such as through honey, or brown/coconut sugar) and I’ve been keeping track of what I’ve been eating through an app as well as how often I intend to work out.

It’s been nuts. Today was the third day of cutting out sugar and I started craving it like a fiend. I mean, I knew I always had a sweet tooth but I had no idea I had a problem, you know? But legit. I was, no, I am, addicted to sugar. I am admitting my addiction and my acceptance of this will lead to my recovery, heh. Anyways, Sera ended up having a solution for that too (an apple with just a tablespoon of peanut butter) and my craving subsided, bless her soul.

She even went through an entire list of foods I should start incorporating into my regular diet! Once I make eating healthy my norm, then I can introduce moderation into my life in terms of how I eat when I go out, or saying yes to a piece of chocolate or a bowl of ice cream now and then. But for now, cold turkey until I can learn discipline. And that, is the key word here.

I was talking about these changes to Adrian while we were on our way to the beach, and he talked about the difference between motivation and discipline to me. In his perspective, discipline is consistent motivation – motivation on its own is fleeting, a burst of inspiration and then just like that it’s gone. But discipline is constant, it’s constant effort until it becomes second nature.

And I know he knows what he’s talking about, especially since he’s lost so much weight himself. He’s like, the embodiment of discipline LOL. I’m glad he’s intending to help me out with this too by teaching me how to work out more efficiently, and Sera promised to do the same. She’s even planning on helping me come up with my own workout plan! I can’t wait. Honestly, I’m surrounded by so many resources when it comes to healthy living and I can’t believe I’m only just now making the most it! But there’s no better time like the now, so it’s all good.

So yeah, that’s my current focus right now. I’m meditating a lot more regularly so hopefully I’ll get back to that point that I was once at before when it comes to my discipline regarding meditation. And soon, the working out will become a discipline too.

I’m hoping that by integrating discipline into my life through all these different yet beneficial aspects, that it will branch over into other aspects of my life that could use some discipline, such as my spending habits. All in good time! I have all the time I need to bring about these changes, and put real effort into them.

Anyways, I believe that is all for tonight. It’s Thursday, which means there’s another weekend coming up and what I’ve got planned thus far is: Trevor is hosting a BBQ dinner at our house tomorrow (bless his soul and his ability to cook as well as he does – Olivia is a lucky bean), Saturday night I’m going out to hang out with Krystal and Chad again (to catch up all about their trip to Vienna and more) and Sunday my dad said he wants to take us all out for dinner, for father’s day. I’m not sure if that’ll actually be a thing, but we’ll see! Also, I work straight through the weekend until Tuesday but I’m sure the shifts will pass by in a breeze.

Here’s to constant self-improvement, and here’s to discipline!

Love always,

Me.