Day 73 to Day 87 – March 14th to March 28th

So it’s currently 1:45 AM and I’m slowly coming down off of a very lengthy Adderall… experience? I’m not sure if I want to call it a trip per se, because I’m not tripping. It’s definitely a journey though, that’s for sure. There’s so many things I would like to address, so many thoughts (good thoughts, thoughts of value and substance) that I would love to catch and write down but I have to be okay with the fact that thoughts (in their truest nature) are like sand slipping through your fingers, or fluffy clouds – they look solid from the outside but really you could fall right through if you tried to land on one.

Writing as honestly and simplistically as I can to myself in this moment – today… today was something else, it really was. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s see: I decided to study, sat down and took the pill and next thing I know I’m figuring out all the current academic worries in my life that I’ve been too afraid to delve into for fear of seeing what damage has been done. Not only that, I organized EVERYTHING. The fear suddenly dissipated; in fact, all my emotional entanglements, perceptions or personal feelings about my circumstances suddenly became so much less significant. The only thing that mattered was the objectivity or fact of it all, and what steps could be taken now or next.

Clarity. It’s as though my mind were some body of water, and all the waves just stopped. All the dust settled to the bottom. The water became so clear and crystalline that it now seems like glass from above. And I have sunk peacefully down to where I can see everything, in peace. In silence. In stillness.

The motivation is/was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And it wasn’t just focused or directed at studying (but it was when it was, completely and utterly). It was a pure, unadulterated motivation and will that shone into places in my mind that I have forgotten about (voluntarily for the sake of compartmentalization bordering on denial).

Long story short – I think I do have ADHD. I don’t know. I’m not like, tweaked out or wired. I’m just… calm. And focused. For the better part of this day, I was happy, a little hyper at first, and then just peaceful.

I feel myself coming down off of it now and I’m scared to go back to what I know to be my reality LMAO. In comparison to this utter clarity, I’m worried that my perception of reality will suddenly feel hazy or cloudy. It almost already does, when I look at how I function on a regular basis.

All I know for sure is – one, nothing matters. Like in the sense of the things I worry about, the things I fear. It’s as though solutions fall into my mind before the worries have a chance to truly solidify or manifest. Two, everything is going to be okay. I promise myself that I’m going to be better for me in ALL aspects of my life, the way I did my mental and emotional well-being.

I’ve written down some things I know I need to do to move forward and break this habitual pattern of my erratic academic history. I need to make an appointment with my incredible family doctor and talk to her as openly and earnestly as I can about this. Every concern, every truth. I also need to educate myself on this matter and exhaust all options before I decide to start depending on medicinal means. If there’s any holistic/spiritual/cognitive way that I can help myself with this potential diagnosis, then I would like to explore those avenues first.

It’s time I delve into this for once and for all and start asking the questions and finding the answers that will truly free me from this cycle that has plagued me for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. In a way, if this really is the answer, I would feel nothing but relief. Because the certainty of that answer would grant me the means and motivation to say, “okay. What next?”

I accept every part of myself and love myself for who I am. But if there is anything I can do to help myself, push myself, then I absolutely must do those things for the sake of that self-love and for the sake of the happiness, peace and stability I deserve. This is yet another chapter of my life that will bring me closer to my life’s purpose, my personal dream. I will not stand in the way of myself. I will help myself through.

I have time. I have all the time in the world. Anxiety and fear has no place left in my life, in my mind, in my heart. I don’t want it anymore.

I have a wonderful life that I am so truly thankful for. I have my loving family, my incredible sister, a partner I could have only dreamed of before, and friends who add such value and meaning to my life. I have a new job now, a promotion I’ve received as a result of the Universe’s faith in me, my hard work and my belief in myself. I have a healthy, fully-functioning body that allows me the privilege of doing pretty much anything and everything I set my mind to, including travelling the world and seeing all that it has to offer. I have a sound mind, and a compassionate heart. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am lucky.

I create my reality. I manifest what is meant for me with the help of the Universe. I understand that there is so much to this world, to this life than meets the eye. I have witnessed magic. What is there to be afraid of?

What, in this life, would prohibit me from having everything and anything I could possibly want for myself, other than me?

I just realized – it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve written a positive and uplifting log like this. I used to write them much more frequently when self-enhancement and self-love were my main focuses and priority. I fell into autopilot again without even realizing I had. By mindlessly sinking into the same old mind-numbing addictive habits of re-watching and binging the same shows over and over, of scrolling endlessly through feeds of images or ideas with little to no substance, by lowering my standards of what information I process or what I allow myself to give energy to. I forgot. I grew careless and undisciplined.

Today, I deleted Instagram and Netlix off of my phone with no second thought whatsoever. In this state, it became all too easy to see those things for what they were – vampires. They stole hours upon hours of my valuable time, drained me of my creativity, my passion, my will, my energy, my motivation. I admit that it was my choice to make; it was the path of least resistance – addictive in nature, but a dull empty pleasure that only the autopilot numbness can bring about, if only temporarily.

How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow? (if I do ever fall asleep LMFAO)

Right now, I have no urge to download those apps back. I want my time. I want my creativity. I want my passion, I want my life to be in vivid technicolour. I want to be present again. I want to feel like I have time once more, the abundance of time that choosing to indulge in those apps took away from me.

I can see the possibilities unfolding before me now, as a result of this day. With no Netflix or useless Instagram scrolling to take up all my time, all my hollow claims of wanting to return to the gym can now become a reality. I’ll have more time to paint, to allow my mind to roam peacefully with the boundless freedom that comes from unstifled creativity. More time to write. More energy to meditate. More time to get my affairs in order regarding my academic state and mental-health. More time to devote to my new position. More time FOR ME. More time for others. Less time spent staring at that brightly-lit phone screen. Less stress and anxiety that comes as a result of feeling like I don’t have time or that time is passing too quickly. I will learn to become present once more, and as a result more focused, at ease, and motivated. Discipline will become my first nature because it will reinforce the habits that truly add value, meaning, and colour to my life, a genuine happiness.

I keep saying I’m not an advocate of the “system” we’re all entrapped in, enslaved to and taught to abide by. But a part of that system is buying into, attaching value and investing time and energy into social media/media binging in an effort to stay “consistent” with the content that society has deemed of absolute significance. SIGNIFICANCE TO WHOM!?!? AND WHY!?!?!?

I think what is meaningful and important is definitely unique to each and every individual. It’s important to me that I also don’t fall into any mental traps/standpoints of believing that any “way” is the “right way”. Whatever makes everyone happy/at ease/at peace/content in their life and whatever way it takes for them to attain that state is right for them. But what’s right for some isn’t right for all and time and time again, life finds a way to show me that in so many different aspects of my life.

I have to stop conforming to what I’ve been taught. I can’t attach any significance or meaning to graduating at 30 (if I do decide to graduate at all), or when I move out, or how I choose to live my life or how I decide to spend my time. And what I mean by that “significance or meaning” is, I cannot concern myself with what it means to ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. I have to stop caring about how people perceive me and I need to stop revolving all of my choices around those perceptions because I will NEVER be truly happy if I continue to do that.

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT!?!?! ME!!! NOT ANYONE ELSE, BUT ME!!!!

I have to do everything and anything it takes to answer that question, but NOT according to anyone’s standards/expectations/perceptions but my OWN. Otherwise, I’m going to spend the rest of my existence blaming everyone around me but myself, for choosing the things I did.

I never realized how deeply entrenched my indecisiveness really is. I’ve always thought of it as some surface aspect of myself, something I could work on with minimal effort and eventually it’d go away. But you know what? This is more unconsciously rooted than I’ve realized myself. I understand now that I’m not as completely free of the fear of the outcome as I once believed I was. It’s still buried there somewhere deep in my psyche. I can’t seem to make any concrete decisions regarding what I want for myself regarding school because I can’t seem to dissociate that decision from my external surroundings in order to find clarity within. Hm.

Whoa – I just opened my phone out of curiosity to check for any potential notifications and when I realized there weren’t any, my immediate impulse was to click the exact spot where Instagram used to be, automatically. I can’t believe how ingrained that reaction has become and it’s actually really fucking scary, what the fuck man. How the hell did I become so programmed without realizing!?!?!? Jesus Christ. I do believe in moderation, but fuck no you are not downloading that goddamn app until that impulse becomes a distant memory with the utmost certainty that it will never, ever return again. NOPE.

Another thing I noticed today – I sat down to eat earlier, and again my unconscious impulse was to bring my phone over, open Netflix and put on an episode of the Office so that I could… DISTRACT MYSELF FROM EATING??? How did I let this happen!?!? Okay, that question isn’t going to help me much I’ll admit but still man, it’s mind-fucking-boggling, damn son.

God. Please, me. Please. This is… Adderall me? Clear me? Higher-vibrating me? Motivated me? I don’t know, this is you talking to you. An aspect of you that is addressing your… “normative” functioning self, the self that operates on a daily basis.

You did the absolute right thing today. You really fucking did. Please do not undo this massive step forward you’ve just taken. If you ever, ever feel tempted (because by God we know full fucking well how hard it is to break an addiction) please just come back to this log. I am BEGGING you. DO NOT RELAPSE AND DOWNLOAD THOSE APPS. PLEASE. I love you, I love you so much and I want us to be happy, to be present, to be our best and most fully-functioning selves. I don’t want you to have to rely on these pills to feel this clear-headed or “awake”. You can do this on your own. You can BE THIS on your own, I truly believe that. Just, don’t give in to the mindlessness. Stay mindFULL, and watch how your life transforms. I swear to you it will. You KNOW that it will, you know it. That’s why there was some part of you, maybe it was me, that was begging you to return to doing the things you love, like painting. OH GOD, even while you were painting you had Netflix on in the background, do you remember!? Why?! You have nothing to run from, to escape from; you have NOTHING TO FEAR!!! Allow yourself the complete stillness, peace, happiness and beauty that being present can bring to you because you deserve it so, so much, you really do. Everything in your life will fall into place and happen exactly as it’s meant to if you just stay HERE, right HERE in THIS moment, right NOW. Enjoy every single day that you’re given to the exquisite fullness of each minute. Do everything that you have to do, one thing at a time, without worrying about the next task and the task after that. Give that same passion that you have for the people in your life, to the things that you do, every single thing you do, and your life will overflow with abundance, peace and meaning. It all starts here. And you know, it seems so menial doesn’t it? Deleting two apps off of your phone; seems almost insignificant. But it’s not. You know it’s not. It’s more than just that. I want the quality of your life to wholly reflect the deep and sincere love I have for you. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And I know you want this too. I think I’m fading out now, but I’m always a part of you. If I’m the inner voice, then you know that I’m always speaking to you. Maybe you’re hearing me a lot clearer right now, but I promise you. If you just clear away the clutter, get rid of the empty and meaningless distractions that add no value to your life, I swear to you that you will always hear me, clear as a bell. I’m always with you. I love you. We’re going to do better.

It’s been a crazy day. It’s officially 3:04 AM now, and I’m starting to remember what tiredness/sleepiness feels like. I think it’s time to call it a day but holy fuck. Holy shit man. This was quite the epiphany, if you can call it that. Nah, it was like… remembering. Remembering with the utmost vivid clarity.

Even if I do have ADHD, I don’t think I can be in this state constantly, this level of calm-focus. I don’t know. I’m scared it would become… my norm? Would I take it for granted? Like I’m happy with my normative-functioning self too, you know. I know she can be forgetful, distracted easily, indecisive, and she can’t focus sometimes. But we’re working on that, and I don’t want her to become dependant on anything outside of herself to feel this way. I love her too much for that.

Maybe there’s a healthy in-between. A dosage or natural treatment that would allow me to function just a smidgen more efficiently without messing with my chemical/hormonal makeup too drastically. A middle way. There’s always a middle way.

Last time I did Adderall, I felt this way too. I felt like I could take on the world and do anything. I just need to learn how to harness that feeling and make it accessible to myself without the use of the pills, somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I forgot what I wanted to say next, which means it’s definitely wearing off heh. Oh well. I love me, all of my me’s, every part of me, every state of me. Drunk me, clear me, sober me, high me, crying me, laughing me, hyper me, mellow me, you name it. Even the indecisive, unfocused, forgetful me. I love that me too.

Tomorrow… well the morning coming up after the brief nap I’m about to take, I have important things to do. I’m glad I’ve scribbled everything down and written up all of this. It’s going to serve as an important reminder in case I ever do “forget” and slip into old habits again.

And a solemn warning to myself too – no matter how clear, how good, how decisive, or peaceful this state feels, I CANNOT GET DEPENDANT UPON OR ADDICTED TO THIS STATE AS INDUCED BY THE PILLS. Aka no pill addictions, okay? You can’t go from one addiction to another. Just, be. And do your best. You can do this.

I just yawned and I’m so happy LOOOOL.

Okay, sleep time. I can’t wait to read all of this tomorrow.

I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that or lose sight of the importance of that love, and everything it needs and entails. No matter how much love you receive from outside of you, never forget that you have to do your part to maintain it from within just as equally too.

You’re amazing. You’re going to find exactly what’s meant for you, and I know you know that.

Love, a brilliant, dazzling, ever-present love,

Me.

Day 59 to 72 – February 28th to March 13th, 2019

Holy hell, I haven’t written in two weeks. Which is fine I guess, but I got that muddled feeling again in my chest recently (it’s gone now though because I had a very enlightening, open and honest conversation today which actually helped so much).

Hello me!!! Long time no talk. How you be?

Honestly I want to say the last two weeks have been pretty busy, and I suppose they have been. I’ve had work, I’ve already had two exams, I have been studying, and when I’m not studying, I’m trying to make time for myself and all the people in my life. I don’t have very many people, that is to say, but trying to give everyone individually some time when there aren’t many days in a week is a little tricky amidst all these exams. But, I knew that March was going to be a busy month.

My saving endeavors have been going quite well! I’ve cut down the amount of unnecessary spending I do by bringing lunch to work and little tricks like that, which feels so good. And with the influx of hours I have lately, anything I do have to spend money on (various bills and expenses) I know will come back to me oh so soon.

I’ve been feeling pretty good. School has been a little stressful but I’m trying. I have more motivation than ever to do my petition and submit it, but I’m not a multi-tasking kind of person – I really want to get these exams out of the way before I hand in the petition.

In regards to work – well… I have some pretty damn good news, potentially. So, Maria has recently been promoted from Counter Manager to Business Manager (which she so completely deserves). She’ll now be more responsible for both of our major accounts at Yorkdale, which means she now needs a “co-ordinator” who can be a representative for her on her off days, when she’s on vacation, but also a person who can run/oversee events, do merchandising, and oversee/designate tasks to the other Fragrance Ambassadors along with some other responsibilities. And guess what.

THEY’RE CONSIDERING ME!!!!! It’d be a huge promotion for me from my current position – yes, I’d have a couple more responsibilities when it comes to work, but also I’d be getting yet ANOTHER raise on top of the one I just received, and a solid amount of hours per week. Here’s the best part though – it’s exactly the same amount of hours I work currently, a part-time position. Which means, I can still continue on completing my degree at my own pace but make substantially more money than I have been! Which means, I will truly be able to start saving properly.

I’ll admit – I got really excited when I heard they were considering me. I feel like I’d do so well with this promotion, and I’d be one of the youngest co-ordinators in the business. However – I did get a little worried about how this would affect my school life. I would have to more so revolve my schooling around this position I believe. And the thing is, I’m willing to do that, which kind of makes me wonder. I know they’d still be flexible with me and compromise with me, because they know school is important to me.

But the way I see it is – I genuinely enjoy this industry. I love fragrance, make-up, fashion, I always have. I love the glamour and glitz of it all. If I have the opportunity to learn more about what it all entails and move up in it while still keeping my options open and still being able to finish school, then why not, right?

Well, we’ll see what’s meant to be. Either they decide that because I have school, I won’t be as committed as they need and they don’t choose me and I continue on with my current position (which is no problem to me since I just got a raise and I still have steady hours), or I get promoted. No matter what the outcome is, I’m honoured that they considered me at all.

So that’s that on the work-school front.

I didn’t get a chance to hang out with Avery two weeks ago because some family of his actually showed up on an impromptu visit, but we did finally get a chance to hang out today. Honestly? I was nervous. I was scared that we wouldn’t still have our same click like we always have had. But, I’m glad I gave it a chance because I found out that we still do.

We talked for HOURS. We sat at this little bar in my area and just caught up on everything. How his life is going, his business plan, his relationship, my work-school life, my relationship, everything. We even got in depth about my whole dilemma regarding how hard it is for me to sit through studying and focus. He even tried to help me come up with ways to make studying more easy for me. We talked about important things – growth, the things life has taught us, what we want from and for our futures, you name it. It was real, genuine, and actually got quite in-depth. I talked about things I didn’t realize I wanted to talk about. Afterwards, I sat there in shock because it takes quite a bit for me to open up and talk about my “deeper stuff” that much.

But that’s how I knew that my gauge on our friendship was good. No matter how much time passes or how infrequently we talk, whenever we do get together, we never miss a beat. I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful that he asks me questions that actually prompt me to think, to look within and search for answers that I may not necessarily seek myself. That’s exactly what I want from my friendships.

I told him that straight up. That I missed him, that I’m happy we were catching up, that it’s rare to have friends like him or conversations like the ones we have. I’m glad we got the opportunity to spend time with one another after all.

Friday,  Adrian is taking me to Dave N’ Busters to celebrate yet another exam over with and my potential promotion. I love him so much honestly – literally just last night I told Olivia I feel like going back to DNB soon, and then this morning, like magic, Adrian asked me if I’d like to go. It’s like, everything I hope for or think somehow just comes true when it comes to him. We really are alchemical, our relationship with one another. And I know I’m currently saying this based off of him wanting to take me to DNB LMFAO but like, that’s how fucking appreciative I am of the littlest things when it comes to us. He just makes me so happy in every possible way, and I had no idea I could have everything I could have ever wanted when it comes to a partner, you know? So I want that gratitude to shine through in my every word, in every one of my days, at all times. I’m so, so, so grateful, so thankful.

Also, he invited me to his cousin’s birthday on Saturday night!!! Also a little nervous for that, I wonder if more of his family is going to be there? I’m excited to meet them though, if that’s the case.

I know it’s early – it’s still not a full year since we’ve met. But I don’t care. I could honestly see myself ending up with him. I know we still need more time to get to know one another – see each other angry, and scared, or really, really sad. There’s still so much. But oh man. I just, can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at the moment.

Le sigh.

Anyways, I’m going to go watch Game of Thrones now. I hope that in my next log, I can go more in depth about my relationship with school, because some very valid points were made while I was talking to Avery and he pointed out some things to me that made me think, or things I would not have thought of before. Until next time!

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 56 to 58 – February 25th, 26th & 27th, 2019

Hello! To meeeeeee. It’s been a couple days since I wrote a log, so I figured I’d check in with myself and see how I’m doing. It’s a snow day today, but I did go to half my class – yay me! LOL.

I also did a pros and cons list today while I was in class that I wanted to talk about. I was sitting in class when I started feeling kind of unsettled and I started wondering whether or not I really wanted to finish my degree. I feel like I keep asking that question and I don’t really take the time to come up with the answer.

Another thing I’ve noticed – I’ve been trying extra hard to distract myself lately, and I’m not sure from what. Boredom, maybe? I still don’t think I’ve fully recuperated from my travel-blues yet. Just a week ago, I was in Dallas airport eating some fro-yo with my legs all comfy in Adrian’s lap while we waited for our delayed flight. Le sigh.

Anyways – I did a pros and cons list like: pros/cons of NOT finishing my degree, vs pros/cons of FINISHING my degree. Turns out the category that weighed out all the others was the pros for finishing, which isn’t surprising I suppose. And the cons in each category were about the same – if I finish, I come out with a ton of debt and no guarantee of a job, not to mention I’ll be a lot closer to my 30’s with a butt ton of debt. The cons of not finishing were that I’d most likely be kind of disappointed in myself, and my mom would be devastated, and it might not be too easy to get a job either way. I guess the cons of not finishing weight out the cons of finishing? It depends on perspective though.

I asked myself what I want and the answer is always the same: I want to travel the world, whenever and however I want. That’s my deepest dream, my biggest desire. I’d make a career out of it if I could, or at least pursue a career that allowed me to do this as much as I could, in order to have a life here.

I’m not sure how my degree factors into that equation. But I mean… after all this time, is it worth it to give up now? I’ve spent years in school, not really trying to “finish” per se, but trying to make up my mind (and this how now become a very costly decision).

I do like psychology. It’s always been a very fascinating subject to me. And I do enjoy school, and learning. It’s the whole application of all that where I struggle somehow. If I could maybe fix that – work on my discipline, attention span and dedication whilst learning to separate my personal feelings about it all (how difficult it might be, how long it’s taken, etc.) then maybe I could get through this in a timely manner.

I wouldn’t mind having that degree under my belt. I don’t know where it could take me but at least it’ll give me options.

Whatever is meant to be shall be. I believe that as I continue down this journey of understanding what I want from my life and how I’d like to it to be, that the answers I seek will come to me. I have every faith in that.

Anyways – this week has been going well. Bea seems to be adjusting okay, and I really want to help her find a job because she seems to be kind of bored and doesn’t have much to do around home. And she even said that keeping busy will help her with her home sickness too, so the sooner the better.

Friday I finally have plans with Avery – he called me a little while ago just to catch up a little, asked me about my trip and how everything was going. We didn’t get a chance to hang out before I left because we keep having these weekly scheduled snowstorms, LOL. I haven’t seen him since like last year, so hopefully it doesn’t feel weird or anything! Not that it ever does feel weird when we hang out, even if it is after a long while. We’ll see how it goes! I get to start discerning whose energy feels right in my life as of now.

It seems like I’m going to be getting plenty of hours this month, which is great! But also I have like 3 exams this month LOL. So I’m definitely going to have to take school a little bit more seriously this month and start studying properly. Especially because they’re like one after the other. Le sigh.

I wonder if I can get Adderall from somebody LMFAO. I’ll see what I can do.

ANYWAYS! How am I?

Well, yesterday I found a whole bunch of amazing books – on crystals, chakras, tarot cards, and kindness. And at the same time, two books on intuition I ordered have also come in! So I have plenty of reading material for March when I need to take a break from studying.

You know what? I think I’m going to make a pact with myself right now. Starting March 1st – no more Netflix. Like binging – if I have an off night or a date night and I’m watching a movie, that’s okay. But no more of this wasting hours upon hours of watching the same shows, wasting my time, and then wondering where it went.

I’m officially declaring March to be a “grind month”. School and work will be the priority, along with building myself (good habits, exercising discipline, focusing on saving, meditation, etc.) I’m going into hibernation mode muthafuckaaaaasszzzzzz! Okay that was unnecessary but also yes.

And then when April begins and my parents leave to Sri Lanka, I’m going to party all month LMFAO. Let’s gooooo!

Okay I’m excited. Tomorrow is the last day of this month, and yes I have plans Friday night and Saturday night, but come next week I’m going to be in full-on study mode.

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’m excited for this upcoming month! February honestly just breezed by in the blink of an eye.

The end of this month will mark a year since Adrian came into my life. And April 10th will be a year since our first date. Man, time flies. And at the same time, it feels weird to be that it’s only been a year because I feel like I’ve known him forever. I still remember how it felt walking back into Elizabeth’s apartment after our first date – my legs felt all numb and tingly after we hugged, and the dazed, faraway look on my face made both my mom and my sister question if I was okay, LOL. I actually had to sit down.

You think that your soul knows when something monumental happens? Because that’s what that felt like. How do you explain a reaction that big and consuming without quite knowing where it comes from, you know?

Le sigh. It’s been such a wonderful year.

Well, I think I’ll spend the rest of today maybe reading some of my new books, or taking a nice hot bubble bath. A little bit of me-time will do me some good.

I’m happy and I’m thankful that I’m happy.

Love always, every day, and in every way,

Me.

Day 46 to 55 – February 15th to 24th, 2019

Holy hell I haven’t written in a while and I am aching to at this point. So much has happened in the course of the past week and a half – Adrian and I went on our incredibly amazing trip (and it truly was just… so, so good from start to finish), I’ve started back at work, and… we’ve just welcomed yet a new tenant into our humble abode! An international student from Sri Lanka in fact, a young girl who also goes to York.

I have so much to catch up on and I also want to do a proper check-in with myself too, especially because I finally have the weekend off and to myself (despite all the things going on around me at the moment – our new roomie is just in the midst of moving in and I’m checking in every so often to make sure that she’s settling in okay).

Man, I miss writing. I’ve had a lot of different thoughts circulating around my head lately that I would love to sort through, amidst all the catching up I’d like to do. But I don’t think I can get to that and address it as well as I’d like to until I write down how my trip went and how much fun we had, and the little moments that I don’t want to forget.

Alright! So where did I leave off?

Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The day we finally said those three little words to each other.

So the next day, I hung out with Radha so that we could spend some time together before we left, and we actually ended up going to the crystal store! She picked out some wonderful crystals and even I was able to add to my little growing collection, which makes me happy.

I didn’t bring up the past, BUT – I did find opportunities in the midst of our conversation to emphasize that I want us to be able to openly communicate with each other, that I want us to support each other and grow together. There was even a moment where she asked me if it was strange that she would relate what I said about me back to her – I explained that we’re so used to seeing things through the lens of ourselves first and foremost that it’s become an almost automatic response to relate things back to ourselves in order to feel like we’re relating to the person we’re speaking to, even though that’s a very unconscious “me-centered” response. But I told her we’re able to get past that and cultivate a more active listening, and so she intends to do that. And she’s getting better! So even though I didn’t rehash old stuff, I do believe we can move forward together and be more open and communicative. She’s so dedicated to working through her old neural pathways and habits, so that’s all that matters to me. It’s nice to have someone in my life who is as insistent on self-awareness and growth as I am.

She slept over, and the next day she drove me over to Richmond Hill to Adrian’s, where Mark would eventually give us a ride to the airport. (Oh man, my heart aches so much remembering our initial excitement about getting ready to leave. I MISS IT SO MUCH!)

And much to my surprise and delight, Adrian’s brother and brother’s fiancée came over to wish Adrian a safe flight as well, so I got to meet them for the first time! I was just in the midst of making like a thousand pancakes for everyone, LMAO. Perfect timing, hehe.

Anyways, I ended up getting into some great conversations with his brother’s fiancée – turns out that she just recently got into watching Gossip Girl, and she and her sister used to love watching Gilmore Girls (which I myself recently just finished), and she was telling me about the “Handmaid’s Tale” which she highly recommended to me. Also, coincidentally, she’s only a year older than me and we grew up around the same area – so we actually went to the same elementary school for a brief period before I switched schools!!! What are the odds eh? Adrian even mentioned that she wants to go sky-diving one day and that that’s something that his brother is not really into (just like Adrian), so now she and I could go together while they stayed safely on the ground, LMAO. We’re all going to get along just fine.

It warms my heart so much to think that I could be a part of their little family and fit in. I can already see the future hang outs, or maybe even travelling together (they also love to travel).

Eventually, we had to leave so we all said goodbye to each other and finally headed off to the airport. Adrian and I got through customs easy-peasy (thankfully), and eventually we were able to settle in together to wait for our flight.

I loved these little moments best. The moments where we were just sitting side by side and making commentary about the things we saw around us, or how he’d affectionately kiss the side of my head or my cheek every so often while we waited. Those are the moments I wanted to hold onto the most.

Eventually, we were able to get on the flight and we were able to sit together (we weren’t too sure because we couldn’t get seats assigned to us right away) and the seats we got were actually upgrades (plenty of extra leg room at no extra cost) so we already felt so, so lucky.

Not to mention, the flight attendant ended up taking a liking to us and towards the end of the flight, she lowkey gave us some free alcohol. Adrian was SHOOK, lmao. He kept asking me if I had done anything or arranged anything and I kept laughing, because I’m used to good fortune on my travels. Good luck just happens to find me! I can’t explain it. But I’m so happy he got to experience it firsthand too.

The flights were super quick, and eventually we got into New Orleans and the first thing we did (even before picking up our luggage) was walk outside to feel the warmth in the air, which we immediately started laughing about out of pure happiness.

Once we got all of our luggage, we headed off to the hotel. Check-in was very straightforward and easy, especially since we got the hotel stay at no cost whatsoever (still can’t believe how lucky we were about this). The room was so nice! It was so big, legit a suite, and the kind sized bed was MASSIVE. Usually I always end up taking up like 90% of the bed and Adrian always ends up at the edge LMFAO. But with the size of that bed, we weren’t worried about that.

My god, it was soooooooo soooooooo soooooooo sooooooooooooo nice to fall asleep beside him. I distinctively remember thinking “I don’t want to forget this feeling right here”. The way his arms felt wrapped around me, how incredible it felt to be lying so close to him. Sigh.

Our days were so jam-packed with things to do. On our first day, we did so much that by our second day, one of our cab-drivers was surprised with how much we’d done and told us we were “doing New Orleans right”, hehe.

Our first day – we got up early for breakfast and went off to the Global Wildlife Center. It was so much fun, especially since the sun was so hot that day (a blessed 26 degrees y’all). But, I did not get to see my beloved giraffes. Alas, they’d already been fed and so they were hiding away far off in the shade of some trees. I mean, I was pretty disappointed at first – imagine being so excited for something and having it so close within your grasp just to have it taken away at the last second? But in the end, I came to terms with the idea that perhaps, I truly am meant to feed giraffes in Kenya, which has always been my ultimate dream. I’m sure it’ll be that much more worthwhile now, once I do.

Adrian was so sweet, he promised me that one day he would make that dream of mine come true and I wanted to cry LMAO. I honestly love him so much.

Speaking of – since we’ve said those words to each other, there’s been no shortage since. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing him tell me he loves me, how much he loves me. It’s truly music to my ears.

Here was the interesting part of our trip – so the Global Wildlife Center was about an hour away from New Orleans. We’d taken an Uber to get there, but… now we were in the middle of nowhere, and there was no Uber or Lyft in the vicinity whatsoever. We tried calling cab company after cab company, but they were either wildly too expensive, or unable to drive the distance to pick us up.

On the inside, I was panicking and a little upset. A situation like this was what I was afraid of in regards to travelling with Adrian – I didn’t want us to be upset with each other or fight at all. We were stranded, probably getting a little hungry, and waiting would make anyone get a little frustrated. But guess what?

He was wonderful. He held my hand, made sure to express that he was absolutely okay with everything and simply just happy to be with me and be in the warmth of the sun while we waited. Eventually we were able to find a cab driver to pick us up for an appropriate price, and it turned out to be a very interesting ride with a local Louisiana guy who was quite good-humoured and very kind.

He took us into New Orleans close to Bourbon Street, where we were able to wander around and find the musical garden and a café that sold beignets, which was on our list of food things we wanted to try. I told him how much I appreciated his patience and positivity so much, and he told me I made it easy for him. We honestly work so well together, I’m so, so happy and so thankful.

We enjoyed the live music together, and we both had our first drinks – I had a “mint julep” for the first time (bourbon, simple syrup, mint and ice) and he had a “southern comfort mango daiquiri”. We also had some gumbo and I had a shrimp “po’boy”.

Honestly we did this trip so well. We had an overall idea of what we wanted this trip to look like – from the things we saw and did, to the food and drink, and we managed to accomplish quite a lot of it for our time there. He turned out to be the absolute perfect travel buddy, and I’m picky as hell about my travel buddies. But he was just like me – super easy-going, go-with-the-flow but also took charge when he needed to (and I was HERE for it, mm damn).

That day we did our haunted voodoo tour too, and man New Orleans is so much more haunted than I realized. I would go back just to explore those aspects of the city, because our tour was kind of like a brief dipping a toe in the water kind of introduction to it all. The way our tour guide told the stories had chills going up and down my spine. But it also made me realize that somewhere deep down, I knew exactly why that city had been calling out to me.

After the tour, we ended up going to Frenchmen Street – where all the live music was to be had. We ended up having a drink in a bar with a live band playing, and we even got gator-sausage pizza for dinner! It was actually pretty damn good, LOL. Very chewy.

We had a pretty busy first day, but man what an adventure it was.

I’m actually almost a little sad typing all of this out, reliving it in a weird way. I’m usually quite okay with coming back from my travels and I usually readjust back to my daily routine quite easily, but this time it feels different. I didn’t realize how much I would enjoy being in Adrian’s company and I got so used to it, you know? I feel bruise-y and I miss him a lot, which is also strange because I don’t miss him easily, or anyone easily for that matter. Except for Olivia, who’s also been gone for a little while now (she left to Cleveland the day I came back from New Orleans, so I haven’t seen her in over a week).

I guess it’s going to take a little time to get used to seeing him once a week again, and our texting frequency (which is usually like once a day); it’s just weird going from being with him all the time and being able to talk to him about anything and everything whenever and getting kisses whenever I wanted, to having to wait to see him or hear from him again. Le sigh. Such is life.

Anyways! The second day, we did our tour of the swamp lands in another part of Louisiana, and that was also a lot of fun – we got to see a swamp hog and raccoon, and even got to see how the “swamp-people” live (people who have built homes directly on the swamp).

That took up a better part of the day, and once we got back to the hotel in the afternoon we decided to rest for a little and just relax since we had been so go-go-go from the start of our trip. This was probably one of my most favourite days too – we ended up just lounging in bed for hours upon hours, talking endlessly about everything and anything. It was so nice to just hang out with him, munch on the last of the forty nuggets we’d ordered from McDonald’s, watch a little TV and then knock out.

I love that after almost a year of seeing each other, there’s still so much that we’re learning about one another. I love that we can literally talk about anything – we went from talking about old pets to past lives, which is quite a jump, but that’s us. I know I probably sound crazy to anyone else, but he actually listens to what I have to say with such an open mind and such receptiveness.

The next day, we met Adrian’s boss’ friend, who gave us a private walking tour of the entire Mercedes-Benz stadium (which was incredible!). He was quite a presence actually – turns out he just recently ended his term as President of the entire New Orleans Food and Beverage association, (which made him that much more intimidating, LMAO). But he ended up taking us out to lunch, which was very kind. And it was so impressive too – EVERYONE knew who he was. In fact, everyone was so nervous around him that it made Adrian and I seem like some kind of VIP guests, LMAO. The GM of the WW2 museum came up to us and personally introduced herself, as well as gave us free tickets to the museum and exhibits. It was such an incredible experience. Adrian and I really do work so well together – he’s got massive and amazing hook-ups of his own! Together, we shall travel and take over the world, muahahahahaaaaa.

The museum was really cool, both Adrian and I have a love for history (Adrian more so than me – he was a history major at UofT) so we both enjoyed walking around quite a bit.

The last night was the most epic, for sure – we went to the Carousel bar at Hotel Monteleone, got tipsy, walked around the city like that until we got to Drago’s where we had the most incredible charbroiled garlic-butter oysters we ever had in our life with some bubbly sweet moscato, and then we went straight back to Frenchmen Street to get drunk and listen to more live music.

It was such a wild night! I had absinthe for the first time ever, and then I had Sazerac (which is native to NOLA I believe) so I was out to lunch LMAO. Adrian himself was kind of tipsy too, but we were having a wonderful time just bar-hopping and listening to as much of the music as we wanted to.

At one point, he stepped out for a smoke, and then when he came back in he looked at me and was like, “I’m going to get an estimate”. And I was like, “for what?” and he was like, “for a tattoo”. And with me in complete shock and awe, we walked out of the bar, down the street and straight into a nearby tattoo parlour.

I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Usually it’d be me who’d be spontaneously deciding to get a tattoo on trip (which I STILL haven’t done!). I watched him pick out a font, work out a price, and that was it. He got the lyrics “what a wonderful world”, as a tribute to the great Louis Armstrong (who was born and raised in New Orleans) as well as ode to the fact that it is, truly, a wonderful world. My entire heart.

And in that moment, I couldn’t help but think – “well, looks like I’ve actually found my soulmate”, LOL. Seriously though. It was just… such an incredible experience to share with him.

I was heavily considering getting a tattoo as well, but honestly I was way past gone, and I felt that that night it was Adrian’s moment to do something that monumental. It was the right time for him. Eventually, once we’d had our fill of Frenchmen Street and all that jazz (hehe), we finally headed back to our hotel for our last night of sleeping beside each other.

He very much enjoyed “drunk Steph”, much to my relief. I was a combination of “sleepy-happy”, (which we now call “slappy”) and super giggly. And he was so sweet – he made sure I drank all the water I needed before we went to bed, made sure I was feeling okay. And we had a wonderful conversation while we laid in bed together face to face. I straight-up asked him why he didn’t tell me he loved me first if he’d felt that way the whole time, and he admitted that I may have bigger balls than him, LOL. But in all honesty, he’d been kind of afraid of rejection, even though deep down he knew that he didn’t have to be. And he wanted to know that I was sure first before he said anything himself, and that’s absolutely okay. He told me he hasn’t regretted saying it back to me once, and that he knows how he feels about me without a doubt – that this trip with me only reaffirmed what he knew he felt. I told him that I said those words finally not because I needed to hear them back, but because I truly just needed him to know how I felt. How much I was bursting at the seams to tell him.

It was a lovely way to end our trip. This vacation went better than I could have imagined, from start to finish. And now, I can’t imagine travelling with anyone else. We’ve gotten so close that he doesn’t just feel like my boyfriend anymore, but my best friend too. I want more than anything to share the love I have for travelling with the love of my life. And he feels the exact same way. We’re already in the works of planning our next trip, potentially in May. We’ll see what’s meant to be!

We ended up getting delayed and stuck in Dallas due to ice storms in Toronto, but I didn’t even mind that. I was actually happy that I was able to spend more time with him, LOL.

Eventually we made it back, and he insisted on giving me a ride home so I went back with him to Richmond Hill. In the cab ride there, I couldn’t help but tear up when I thought about how much closer we’d become, how much more intimate we’d been with each other. I promised the heavens and the powers that be that I would spend each and every one of my days that I had with him doing my best to show him how much I loved him, that I would do my best to fill all of his days with nothing but magic and happiness because he deserved nothing less than that.

So… yeah, I’d say it was a successful trip, all in all. LOL.

I DID IT! I WROTE ABOUT MY WHOLE TRIP, WHOO HOOO!

Go me, go me, go me *does a little happy dance*.

Not a lot has happened since I’ve been back. I went straight to work, saw all my coworkers and caught up with them about the whatnot I’ve missed and about my trip, and now I’ve had the weekend off so I’ve just been at home helping our new house-mate settle in. She’s super nice and sweet, so little and small and I just want to make sure she feels happy and comfortable here. She also seems really chill and like… “modern”? Like I don’t know what the word would be for someone from Sri Lanka who has a more contemporary mindset, LOL.

I definitely want to take her out and show her Toronto, and I think this’ll be an interesting way to kind of see my own city through the eyes of someone who isn’t familiar with it. It’s funny, I was actually thinking about this on the way back home after my trip – if I wasn’t a Toronto native and I chose this place to visit as one of my trips, where would I go? What would I want to see? What food places would I go to? So, I think I’m going to keep to that line of thought as we show our new roomie around. Especially as the weather gets nicer too.

I honestly don’t mind that she’s moved into our spare room. I’m really not home that often, and neither is Olivia, and it’ll be nice for my mom to have some company on the days or weekends that we’re not here. In fact, when we do go away, we’ll have someone here at home to look after things and like feed my cat and stuff, so that helps too. And the extra income we’ll be getting from this will help my mom out a lot as well, which is so great. It’s a win-win-win situation (as Michael Scott would say).

How have I been feeling lately since I got back? Well. I always get this feeling when I travel that I’m perfectly in sync with all of my self. My surface self, my deeper self, my little voice, my mind and heart. It’s the peace and contentedness that I don’t experience anywhere else. It definitely makes me realize that travel is something I should be pursuing in my life, somehow. I know I’ll figure it out.

I also really want to invest some time in getting back in tune with myself, strengthening my intuition and working on me. My finances are slowly getting in order and I’m excited to save and spend wisely, that’ll be a new challenge that I’m quite ready to take on. So, slowly but surely, I’m back on the wavelength of trying my best to shape my life into the exact ways that I want it to be.

School-wise, there’s definitely a lot of work to be done internally. I need to figure out how to strengthen and sharpen my attention span, and continuously re-work my old neural pathways regarding the resentments I feel towards school and feeling like I’ve been forced to do it, in to a healthier “I’m doing this for me” viewpoint. Or else, I’m going to continue to struggle through for the next couple years in a loop of “will she, won’t she”.

I feel good about writing this stuff. As reading week comes to a close, I look forward to getting back on track in all the ways I set out to. I feel rested and recharged from my incredible trip, and spending some time at home has also helped me to gather back my energies and draw them closer to me.

Speaking of my energies… I think I’m finally beginning to re-evaluate what I want from my friendships the same way I did my relationships. Here’s how I look at it – if I could go from being in a toxic relationship, being cheated on and under-appreciated, to an incredibly healthy loving relationship with a guy who showers me with affection and fulfills all my needs, then I can absolutely have the kind of healthy fulfilling friendships that I would like to have in my life.

I think I briefly outlined in one of my recent logs of what I would like from my friendships, but I think I need to go into more depth about it in order to give a clear picture to the Universe, in order to manifest it.

I remember how I did those exercises on paper about what I wanted to manifest in a partner, and all of those little things I’ve written have actually come to life in the form of Adrian. Like even the weird little quirks I wrote like “has hobbies like playing sports” or “wakes up and kisses me good morning each and every time” or “does a job he enjoys”, all of that came true. From being written down? I don’t know, but I do believe in the power that words have, the energy that writing things down carries.

Maybe I’ll do the same exercises, but what I want in my friends. Right down to the specifics. If I can manifest the absolute perfect partner for myself, I sure as hell believe I can manifest the right friendships too. And I know no one’s perfect, I know people are constantly changing and that nothing remains the same. But there are things I do not want to settle for, and then there are things I would love from the people in my life. Why can’t we have exactly what we want from our lives? We’re the only ones in our own way if we believe anything but.

I want the kind of friendships where we don’t have to talk every day and I think nothing of it because I know that when we do talk, it’ll be as though no time has passed. I want those kinds of friendships where once we do decide to make plans, it happens easily and being in one another’s presence never ever feels forced. I want those genuine connections with people who acknowledge just as openly and honestly as I do that there’s still more growth to be had. And selfishly, I want some friendships where I can have those crazy, deep, kooky, strange, out of the box conversations about energy, spirits, past-lives, conspiracy theories, spirituality, life and death and all the cool stuff I can talk endlessly about. I’m tired of “small-talk”.

If that means there’s less and less people in my life as a result, so be it. I’d take a few of those gem-like people I see or talk to every so often than any uncomfortable frequent forced interactions with people I sort-of kind-of connect with, any day.

Whatever is meant to be, shall be.

My family goes without saying. I know I’m going to be lifelong friends with the people I consider “family”. I know sometimes family doesn’t always stay that way, but that’s what I’ve grown up with and I’d love to keep it that way. I’m always going to do my best to reach out to them, and they’ve always been people in my life that I can go months without seeing or sometimes even talking to and when we all get together it’s like nothing’s changed whatsoever.

For now, I’m just going to let go and go with the flow. Whatever is meant to be will be. Sometimes people come back into your life in ways you would have never even imagined or realized, and sometimes space is good. I’m just done with trying to force things. Whatever flows, flows, and whatever crashes, crashes – and whatever is meant for me, will be for me. That is all. For now, I’m just going to focus on doing the best I can for myself, being as authentic and genuine as I can be, and doing what feels right. I’m going to focus on strengthening my inner voice, the same way I was so intent on it last year and the year before that. I’ve actually just recently ordered some books on that very topic, because it’s been a bit difficult for me to find any works that resonate with me at the moment. We’ll see how it goes with the books I’m about to get.

This was a good and lengthy log! Much overdue. Lately I’ve been wondering if it’s time to start posting my logs online again. The thing is, there’s some things I’ve been very, very honest about that should probably be for my own eyes only. Which means, if I do start posting these logs online, they will be slightly censored (in the fact that I will have to remove some excerpts from it). I guess that’s okay though. Like I’ve said before, my writing has to be for me, first and foremost. I guess I’ll be making my return to the online world soon.

So, this week. I’ll be returning to school, picking up some extra hours at work now that there will be more podiums and more hours available as a result. I’ll be helping Bea (our new house-mate) get acclimated to her new surroundings. Man, that girl has been through hell and back. I almost cried listening to everything she went through her first two months of being here. I’m so happy she’s found her way to our little family. I hope she’ll feel at home with us because she seems to be so kind and have a massive heart herself.

Anyways, that’s it for today! I feel good. I feel great actually. It’s so nice to touch base with myself and rest, and recharge, and do things for me that protect my energy. It feels good to do things for me, period. I’m happy.

I’m going to help Bea make a resume now so that she can get a job and help her parents out (sweet little thing). Until I write next,

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 44 + 45 – February 13 & 14th, 2019

I don’t know if I want to write a full log today but I can’t sleep right now because I’m honestly so happy and that happiness is actually keeping me awake, like I legit am THAT happy that I cannot get myself to sleep. This has been THE best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever, ever, ever experienced in my 26 years of living and I can’t stop saying how happy I am, LMAO. Omg.

Maybe I will go into a little bit of detail (since I can’t sleep anyways) but also because I don’t want to forget ANY of it.

So we didn’t have any plans today but after I finished work, Adrian came all the way over to my house to surprise me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, heart-shaped cookies and a card. It was soooooo cute, the way he was just standing outside my door with that smile on his face, AHHH.

Once he came in and we sat for a bit, I opened the card and the front page said “love you lots” and I literally stared at it for a good couple minutes before looking up at him, and he was watching me carefully. Inside, he’d written a wonderful little poem for me (similar to the poem he’d written and sent to me earlier this morning), and it was so incredibly sweet.

After that, I told him I had been planning on binging rom-coms and packing that evening, so instead we watched Lala Land together, one of my favourite romantic movies. And then, he got us dinner from my favourite Caribbean food place just down the road from my neighbourhood. It was absolutely the most perfect date night-in, and definitely the cutest and sweetest Valentine’s date I’ve ever had.

And as wonderful as all these things are, that’s not the main reason I can’t stop smiling or can’t sleep.

It’s because after all of this, when it was finally time for him to leave and we were standing in the hallway near the kitchen, I finally realized I was ready to say what I’ve always wanted to tell him.

So, I began by telling him that this was the best Valentine’s date I’ve ever been on. That no one has ever made me this happy, done anything this romantic for me, made me feel this appreciated and cared for, and no one has ever made me feel this free. And even though we’d only really “officially” started dating recently, it was because of those reasons…

I finally said “I love you”.

I meant it with every single fibre of my being. I was never more present than I was when I was looking into his eyes as I said those words, with no fear or hesitation whatsoever.

And guess what?

He said it back.

HE SAID IT BACK!!!!! He gazed at me for a moment, eyes wide as I was saying everything I was saying, and then he smiled at me so warmly before telling me he loved me too.

And my whole entire heart melted when he kissed me. It was so full of emotion and passion that I literally burst into happy tears as we kissed, LMFAO. I honestly couldn’t help but say “omg this cannot get anymore cheesy” when we pulled apart. But as cheesy as it was, it was such a beautiful, raw, honest and tender moment.

I was crying so much he had to get me a tissue omg. But honestly I was so freaking happy, I couldn’t help it!! I looked at him and I was like, “you do?” And he nodded and I explained that I was scared because I wasn’t sure if it’d be too soon.

I asked him if he knew why I had told him to tell me when he read the double-sided note, and he’d known all along! He’s known the whole time what I’ve been trying to tell him, I think we know each other too well now to really hide anything. I told him I chickened out then, but that I was finally ready to say it today and he agreed that it should only be said when one was ready to say it.

And then he said it again, and whispered it in my ear, and oh how wonderful it was to hear those words in his voice.

And that is why I cannot sleep, and cannot stop smiling. I have finally said the words that I’ve been keeping in my heart for quite some time now. And it was so freeing to be so vulnerable – it felt like jumping off a cliff in the most wonderful way possible, the thrill of the fall and the cool rush of the water below.

Lord almighty I think I’ve cried more in this one month alone than I have in the past two years LMFAO. All for good reasons though, the last session was because Olivia and I had the deepest and most connected and vulnerable conversation which made us both cry.

Anyways, I guess there’s no better day that the “day of love” to express that love eh? Sighhhh.

But I intend to, for every day after. I want to show him how much I love him in all the things I do, in my touch, through the sound of my voice, the little gestures – not just the words themselves. And I will.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe. Lord knows about 3 years ago I would never in a million years have thought I could be this happy, or be with someone this absolutely incredibly wonderful. I am so blessed and so completely grateful.

Okay, I’m going to try to get some shut-eye! I woke up today and knew it was going to be life-changing in someway hehe. To our first Valentines Day together… and for all the ones to come.

Love always, love all around in every way,

Me.

Day 42 + 43 – February 11 & 12, 2019

I don’t know why, but today honestly felt like a whole week in one day. There was another massive snow storm today so I didn’t go anywhere, and I did stuff – I organized my finances, shovelled the driveway, added some more information to my NOLA tour list, and then I even went outside to get some good cardio by making a snowman for a couple hours.

So, on today’s episode of “What’s On My Mind” –  friendships, in general.

Adrian’s still friends with people he’s known from ELEMENTARY school. I’ve had incredible friends come and go in my life for a very long time. And 99% of the time, it’s been me leaving. I left my friendships with every one I was every close with in high school, most of the girls from University, even Radha for a time being until I came back to our friendship. I’ve broken up with pretty much EVERYONE who’s been in my life for any longer than a couple years, and that goes for my friendships too.

LMFAO, do I have commitment issues? What the hell is this new pattern that I’m suddenly seeing?

It’s like, I get this weird feeling like I’ve “outgrown” people, and I dip. I ghost. I’m on to the next, no problem.

I mean, it could be that I’ve served my purpose of being in their life and it was my time to leave, you know? Sometimes you’re not meant to stay in someone’s book, you’re only there for a chapter and you dip.

But who’s going to be in my life for the book, I wonder? And I even found myself wondering today – do I have a faulty choosing-mechanism when it comes to friendships?

I did when it came to relationships, but I’ve changed that. Does that mean that my outlook on my friendships are changing too now because I understand that I deserve more?

What is this “more” that I’m seeking from my friendships now?

Here’s what I want from the friendships I choose to invest in, in my life:

Definitely authenticity. Genuine connections, vulnerability. Conversations that make us grow, think and feel. I want support and encouragement, not competition. I want pure and real happiness for one another – like actually being able to be happy for each other because their happiness makes you happy as well. Laughter, lots of that. And love.

Basically kind of what I want from my romantic relationships. I guess it doesn’t really matter what kind of relationship it is – the basic needs/necessities stay the same. I don’t think I’m asking for too much.

I feel like I’m re-evaluating my friendships now too. I guess that’s a good thing though. It means that I love myself enough to demand this level of quality from all aspects of my life.

But I want to be able to do so, as me. As my earnest, honest, happy self. I want to be able to do everything with the best of my intentions because when I look back, I won’t have any regrets whatsoever.

And I want to be light-hearted about this too. Because, whoever is meant to end up in my life is more than welcome to be there. And whoever isn’t – just like everyone else who is no longer in my life – will be thought of fondly and wished well.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up because I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow; I’ve got class in the morning, work after that, and then I’m hanging out with Avery after for the first time in a really long time.

I’m glad he’s making an effort for us to do so, even though it’s going to be pretty late. Just another opportunity for me to gauge who exactly deserves my time and energy! We’ll see.

I can’t wait to go on this trip, holy shit. I need to get away so bad, so so so bad.

Alrighty, I shall write soon!

Love always, love for realsies,

Me.

Day 41 – February 10th, 2019

I’m feeling a lot more hopeful these days. I feel like the Universe is slowly communicating with me again as I’ve consciously made the decision to both guard and invest my energy wisely in both myself and whatever I choose to expend it towards.

It’s been a lovely lazy Sunday in. I’m happy that I had this whole day to myself thus far. I stayed in bed until around noon because I never get to do that, and it was so nice. I feel well-rested.

I even had a really nice conversation with Radha (she sent me this link about how the stresses and emotional responses that we repress or deal with inefficiently turn into chronic pain and illness – in regards to my lymph nodes) and we got into a deep discussion that ended up being filled with different coincidences. I actually felt happy to talk with her and realized that… I miss her! I miss our talks and our deep conversations about the universe and energy. She was one the only other people I was able to have those kinds of conversations with, and by holding her at arms’ length because I was unable to express myself to her, I inevitably distanced myself from her instead of just being honest and moving forward with our friendship.

But I value our friendship, I really do. And I want to respect it. A part of the reason that I held back from saying anything was because I was afraid she would internalize it or be hurt by it, or not be able to handle my honesty. But that’s discrediting her – that’s underestimating her ability to handle adult conversations and communication. That’s not fair of me to assume that, and I’m also doing a disservice to both myself and our friendship by not communicating how I feel and leaving it to fester.

We’re hanging out this Friday before I leave to New Orleans to check out some crystals. So when we hang out, I’ll be honest and tell her everything I’ve felt before I started distancing myself from her. How it hurt when she compared us to that guy she was seeing (even if I didn’t really care about his opinion per se – just that she felt the need to compare us at all). How I don’t want our friendship to be a competition at all; I want us to be able to grow together and help each other be our best selves, but together. How I really care about her and appreciate our friendship with each other, and that I know it’s my responsibility to tell her how I feel and be honest with her. She asks me time and time again if I feel like we’re being equal with each other in terms of giving each other enough space to talk and I always lie through my teeth because I say I don’t need anything from anyone, and that’s not fair to me or her either. That’s me assuming that she knows what I need or that she’s a mind reader, and then when she openly asks me if she’s giving me what I need, I lie. That’s not fair.

I feel like the more meditation I do to cleanse and open up my throat chakra, the more confidence and ease I have openly communicating all the things I want to say. And after watching that video of the lecture that that doctor gave over the importance between the mind and the body, I really do feel like a part of the reason my lymph nodes swelled up with no indication, no symptoms whatsoever, or any source, was because I haven’t been openly communicative as I could have been these past couple months – with myself, or the people around me. Not to mention, I’ve stopped my sessions with Nadia so it’s not like I’ve had that consistent steady outlet to pour out all my thoughts and emotions to, and I even really stopped doing that within my logs, right? So everything kind of just festered within me.

So many different revelations these days!!! And reading through my old logs is helping me a lot too, because comparing the way I’ve been writing these past couple months versus how I used to write, there’s definitely a big difference. Like even the fact that I was typing and posting my logs directly online – I got so used to using everyone else’s fake names (identities) that I was creating a weird separation between my reality and the things I wrote about in my life, almost like a separate narrative that I was disconnected from. But this IS my life, regardless of whether or not I post it online or who’s named what.

Alrighty! After this log, I’m going to do some work in my new financial journal and check out that Google doc spreadsheet thing that Adrian showed me in terms of logging my purchases and keeping track of my spending. I’m a little worried that I was maybe a bit too… exaggerated, in how I told him about my financial situation. Like I hope I didn’t give him the impression that I don’t have any money, because that’s not the case – I do. It’s just the way I go about spending it that I want to become more conscientious of. It doesn’t mean that I want to stop paying for our dates sometimes, or treating him to stuff, or being generous, because that’s who I am and I’m not going to stop those things. But, I don’t need to Uber everywhere, and I don’t need ridiculously pricey stuff or an excess amount of candles, and I could do a better job of not going over my data every month (which is also a lot of where my money is going too). I’m just trying to learn how to budget the money that I do have, better.

I have this weird nagging feeling that I should clarify what I meant by that because I’m scared that he’s going to think that I shouldn’t pay for stuff or that I don’t have money or something like that. Or that I’m irresponsible. I don’t want him having the “wrong” impression of me because I care about what he thinks of me, which is why I’ve never really said anything about it before, you know? But I really am trying to be honest about who I am with him, because I want him to have that whole picture. Plus, that’s only my situation temporarily – this isn’t something I intend to identify myself with on a constant basis, this is something I have every intention to work on and rectify, like I did all my other… “personal problems”, for lack of a better word.

Hm. I like everything I just typed. I think I’m going to text it all to him, just so I do have peace of mind. Especially because we’re going on vacation now together for the first time and I don’t want him to feel like he’s going to have sole financial responsibility for this trip. I’m an adult, I made the decision to go, ergo I have to have the funds to do so, which I do.

Yes. I can be honest with him. Especially after everything last night.

I just read this quote on Instagram: “my current situation is not my final destination” and that applies to everything I just said, perfectly. The things I’m working on within myself at this moment do not define who I am. The resiliency of my character is what defines me.

Anyways – ABOUT LAST NIGHT!

Gah, where do I even begin? I so badly don’t want to miss anything that was discussed but if I do, it’s okay. I can always go back and add it in, and also it doesn’t really matter just how much of it I capture, as long as I get the essence of it all.

Okay so – side note, holy shit. I really do have such a hard time starting things. And like, sticking with them. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten up in the midst of writing this log to do absolutely nothing, or change something on the calendar in the kitchen, or open the fridge just to walk back, or just check my phone? Wow. My attention span is something I really need to work on because this is nuts. I can’t allow myself to endure this kind of low-level anxiety every time I sit down in front of a computer or try to get something done, this is insane.

Like as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about how hungry I am, and wondering if I should pause this in order to eat something and then come back to this after because that impulse is what’s capturing my attention at the moment. Actually… I am kind of hungry. And I don’t want to be distracted as I’m typing this log because it’s important to me. Okay… quick break, and I’ll be back.

Alright so that break ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, but that’s okay because the night is relatively still young. Olivia came home and I filled her in on the whole story with all the details involved, and now I kind of have less of an attachment to getting all the details in because telling the story out loud is going to no doubt reinforce the important parts in my memory better. Nevertheless, I’m still going to type it out here for my own sake and to the best of my ability.

Okay so, when he first picked me up from work, we ended up getting stuck in traffic so we ended up talking for a little while as we waited to get out of it. And while we did, all of a sudden he was like, “so I read the note”, and TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, that was NOT how I was expecting that moment to go down LMAO. But in my silence, he leaned over and kissed me so sweetly in response to what the note held, which was so cute.

Once he pulled away, I was like “I’ll tell you why I asked you to tell me when you read it, in a bit”, (in an effort to buy myself some more time while I figured out what direction I was going to head in).

So we spent the afternoon going from place to place – we went to a bulk food store to get snacks for the plane rides, and then we went to a Walmart so I could grab toiletries and stuff. After we got everything we needed, we headed to a Starbucks in his area so that we could sit down and bang out a general plan for our trip regarding the things we would want to do or see and on what days.

And it went so well! We’re both very agreeable, flexible and go-with-the-flow, but we also still managed to come up with a game plan for each day that made sense time and distance wise, which made me so, so happy. We really are so alike in both our organizational aspects AND flexibility. I CANNOT WAIT TO FEED GIRAFFES HOLY SHIT. And even though he’s not the biggest fan of the paranormal, he still wants to do a scary voodoo-tour with me :’). He’s so great, honestly.

Anyways, here’s how the conversation happened: once we finished planning through everything, I started flipping through my little pocket book and I blurted out how bad I was with spending and how I’ve been trying to keep track of my expenses in order to be more conscientious about my finances, and he didn’t seem phased at all! Although he did notice as well how much I use Uber (heh), but suggested some great ideas as to how I could go about monitoring what I spend and stuff. He told me about this app I can use to keep track of it all, which was so helpful.

After that, we started talking about his friend that he was planning on meeting up with later, a friend he’d had from high school.

Oh man. I don’t know why but I’m only realizing how long this conversation actually was and all of a sudden it’s so daunting to try and write down all of it, LMAO. Maaaannnnnnnnn.

Okay. Maybe I’ll elaborate at a later time, but for now – we basically ended up talking about what each of us were like in high school, and in university. He told me about how he’s basically stayed the same throughout both, at least in the important ways. But we touched upon the anger that he used to feel when he was a kid, the anger he related to in the metal music he became accustomed to listening to. And I asked him if he still felt any of that old anger (because it was anger he was entitled to, with everything he’d been going through at the time as a child. His mom had been battling that cancer for about ten years before she passed away).

He explained to me that he’d come to terms with a lot of that anger, and that he no longer woke up in the morning feeling angry at the world.

And finally, I got to ask him about his ex. How they met, what their relationship was like, what she was like, what led to them breaking up, how he knew he wanted to, and why. All of it. And he answered every single question I had so openly, so freely, with no defensiveness whatsoever (which is amazing, because that means he isn’t holding onto or harbouring any latent feelings about it any longer).

I even asked him if she was his first love and he said she was, but that love doesn’t always last. Either way, it was nice to know that despite everything they’d been through and however he ended up feeling towards her, that he did love her, that she was a big part of his life.

We talked for hours and it felt like minutes, just like it did on our first date. He asked me questions too, and I told him very honestly what I was like when I was with Nick. How I was terribly insecure, jealous, attached, constantly checking my phone for texts, possessive, the works. And I told him that despite how far I’ve come from that, I’m far from perfect and still a work in progress, and he said we’d work on ourselves, together, which I loved.

Finally, he asked me again why I asked him to tell me when he read that particular note. And I just… locked eyes with him. And I can’t explain it but… I got the weirdest feeling that he knew exactly why I had asked him to tell me. As though he knew exactly what my plan had been the entire time and he was watching to see if I’d go through with it after all.

I didn’t.

I told him all the things I planned to say instead – that that was the moment I knew for sure that this was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, maybe unlike anything I ever would. That that moment was so incredibly important to me, and I wanted him to know just how much. I told him openly how happy he’s made me, that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. That I never believed or imagined I could have anything as good as what we have with one another.

Because in that split second moment as he was gazing at me, I realized that there really is still so much we have to get to know about each other, as beautiful and open and honest as those prior moments were. And I want him to know all of me, the same way I want to know all of him. I want to be bursting at the seams with that love before I say it out loud. I don’t even care if he says it back in that moment. All I know is that I want it to be my absolute truth before it’s his, too.

But it was a lovely moment either way. He told me that I’m the first person he wants to tell all his amazing news to, that his friends love me and think I’m perfect for him. He told me that he wants to know all of me too. That he’s never been happier either.

Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for that entire conversation to go any other way. I feel like I finally asked him so much of what I’ve wanted to ask for so long, and told him so much about me too. We’re really connecting, and on our own terms too.

I can’t wait for this trip with him. I’m sure it’ll force us to come out of our comfort zones with one another even further, and I’m truly looking forward to that.

Okay, it’s late now and I should get some rest before work tomorrow! But until the next time I write.

Love, love, love,

Me.