Day 1 – January 1st, 2017

Hello self! It’s been so long since you’ve done this. I think the total times you wrote to yourself in 2016 was… actually, I think you went the entire year without writing a single thing. Oh never mind, I wrote once. Still, that’s pretty bleak. So, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. This year, this is the year that I get back in touch with myself. This is the year that I get my life together, for real. I know time is relative, but really, when it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of repeating habits and feelings, I’ll take whatever fresh start I can get.

I have been stuck, for so long, in the same place. I’d say about 6 years, to be exact. I’ve been going through the motions, working, failing in school, unable to focus, unable to do what it takes to implement change in my life. This stops now. I feel like I haven’t grown as a person in a very long time. And while I’d like to think that I’m rather mature and wise for my age, I don’t want to be someone who remains stagnant. No matter what age, life is best experienced when one is constantly changing, expanding, growing.

This log is going to be my mirror. It’s going to reflect back at me, all the ways I’m changing, all the things I’m doing to make myself better, happier, more content, more successful. It’s going to document everything I do to get myself back on track. I want to look at this log, 365 days from now, and see that I love myself in entirety. That I’ve come to terms with and have accepted my flaws, and learned to work with and around them. I want to see how I confront my deepest and darkest demons, the scariest parts of myself. I want to watch myself heal all the parts that I merely just tucked away for the sake of moving on to tomorrow.

I’m 24 now. I’m on the brink of hitting my mid-twenties. However, I fail to realize that despite all the time that has past that I’m still young. I make myself think that I’m standing on some kind of precipice when in actuality, there’s this long and possibly beautiful winding road that lies ahead of me, filled to the brim with opportunities for self-discovery and happiness. These are the years that I’m supposed to be learning about who I am, and becoming who I’m meant to be. But, I need to have an active hand in all of that, or else time will just slip by as I remain in the same place I was six years ago.

And so, here I am. I intend to write every single day, literally each and every day of this year. While I understand that that may be difficult, as these days pass by quickly when things get busy, I truly want to record everything that happens with every day that passes. Even if it’s a short log filled with mundane happenings and thoughts. More importantly, I want to record all the important things that happen, the things that add to my growth and learning. I don’t want these days to pass by me in some unseen blur, no memories to be cherished, with no moments that stand out. Because that’s literally what 2016 has become to me – a blur of time with very few significant moments, no substantial realizations or notable growth.

Actually, I suppose that’s not completely true – I finally took some control of my life by actively seeking help with counselling, something that was long overdue. The end of 2016 provided me with a couple of realizations that I definitely want to take with me into this New Year.

I’ve been in relationships for the past 6 years of my life. Two huge, monumental, serious relationships that definitely contributed to the person that I’ve become today. I’ve grown so much – through pain, through understanding, but also through happiness too. And while others may be able to expand and grow as people while in long term relationships, in all honesty, I don’t believe that I have flourished the way that I really could have. In my relationships, I’m so devoted that I put the needs of my relationship and the needs of my partner first, and myself second. In doing so, a lot of other aspects in my life have suffered, namely my education. I actively chose to put school on the back burner while I focused so much on my personal life. I even dropped out last year when I couldn’t handle the stress of Nick cheating on me.

Now, I think it’s about time that I learn how to be on my own. I’ve been thinking about it since the end of November maybe, and at first it was just a subconscious and hidden idea that I hid guiltily in the back of my mind. But as December passed, the idea began to bloom into a feeling. I think he’s kind of realized it too, because he pointed out that  I had begun to grow rather distant, I stopped engaging in the habits that I did so often, without even realizing that I was. And now? I’ve finally said it out loud, to multiple people whom I care about in my life. And I’ll say it here; I’m quite sure that I would like to end my relationship with Nick.

I say it lightly now, but there’s some things that I need to consider before I make such a serious decision. I won’t just be affecting my life, but his as well. For him, it’ll be coming out of the blue possibly. But for me, it’ll have felt like a long time coming. Something that I’ve unknowingly been preparing myself for.

It’ll probably be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do. There will probably be tears, and heart break, and pain for a long while after, on both ends. I need to be sure before I do this. But, I can no longer ask myself, “am I making a mistake? Is this the right thing to do?” because, somewhere deep down, there’s a little part of me that’s excited to be on my own. I want to experience all that life has to offer, but just for me. I know better now than to ask if I’m being selfish, because I know that this decision is based off of self-love, which is something that I’ve been lacking and failing to do.

I don’t think I’ve loved and taken care of myself for a very long time, or ever for that matter. But if I don’t, how can I expect anyone else to? I can’t base my own personal happiness off of anyone else in my life – it has to come from ME first. I need to learn how to do that.

My relationship with Nick does bring me happiness. He makes me happy. But it just as easily takes it away, because I don’t have any happiness of my own. I think there’s a part of me that knows that I should have ended the relationship on the day that he told me he cheated on me. But when I think about it now, I don’t regret forgiving him and continuing on in the relationship. I don’t regret it a single bit. Because, in the time that we’ve been together, I’ve been able to come to terms with what happened. Have I healed completely? I don’t really know. But, we did manage to salvage our friendship with one another. We became closer, as friends. He grew as a person, tried harder, did more, and I appreciated every little bit of effort that he showed me.

But it was sometime last year, probably just after our three year anniversary, that I realized something. I could no longer recall the last time either he or I said “I love you”. And while this may not seem like such a significant thing, seeing as he rarely says it, it was an important realization on my behalf. Before, I didn’t care if I was the only one expressing it, because I knew that he did love me, and showed me that he did in the gestures he made towards me – it was evident in his actions, most of the time. But, what was holding ME back from saying it? Why had I stopped expressing it?

And that’s when I realized… that I may have fallen out of love with him. Don’t get me wrong – the love I have for him will always be a part of my life. I will always love him, but I don’t believe that I am IN love with him anymore. I don’t know how it happened, or when it happened, all I know is that this is how I feel now. For the past couple times that we’ve seen each other, I’ve tried so hard to recall the way I used to feel – the butterflies when I saw him, the ache when I missed him, the excitement of knowing that I would see him soon. And while I still feel a nice warm glow of affection towards him, everything else just isn’t there anymore.

After all of this time, and after everything we’ve been through, we’ve become really good friends. We share the same kind of humor, I tell him almost everything that happens in my life, and he’s been so supportive of my school situation. Recently, we had a conversation about the future, where we both admitted that neither of us thinks about it. But on my end, that wasn’t true. After everything that happened between us, I tried so hard to re-envision the future that I once saw so clearly. But I can’t anymore. I don’t know how I could spend the rest of my life with someone who’s on their last chance with me. What kind of stability would we be able to find on a foundation that’s already been so weakened?

I don’t blame him anymore, there isn’t any resentment left on my end (that I know of), but trust? I still have misgivings, pangs of worry that I can no longer control. And so, with that knowledge in hand, how can we continue this without it becoming a waste of time? I want him to be happy. I want him to find someone he can start fresh with, build a new solid foundation with, with everything’s he’s learnt and taken from his relationship with me. I know that he’ll be able to make someone very happy, the same way he’s done for me. And I want the same for him. He’s always been honest with me, about everything, and so I owe him the same courtesy as well.

I would love, more than anything, to remain friends with him. After everything, I would hate to lose yet another person that I’ve become so close to. But that’s one aspect that I can’t be selfish about – if it’s too painful for him, or uncomfortable, or if he needs time, then it’s purely his decision to make. I can’t ask that of him, knowing that this decision is costing both of us a comfort and stability that we’ve both grown so accustomed to.

I don’t know if this is right or wrong – all I know is that I can feel that it’s what I need to do, somewhere in my mind and my heart. No matter how hard I try to run from it, or deny it, or pretend that it doesn’t exist, it’s there. The deep fear of losing this comfortability sometimes clouds my vision, but then realizing that I’m not being fair to him helps to clear everything up again. I need to remain honest, with both myself and with him.

Like I’ve already said – I will always, always love him. There will always be a place in my heart for him. We have so many memories together, and despite whatever monumentally bad moments we’ve experienced, we have just as many beautifully powerful good ones too. I have grown in this relationship; I have gained a strength and soundness of self that no one will ever be able to take from me. And while I don’t know what the future holds, I truly believe that if two people are meant for each other, then they’ll find a way back to one another. But right now, this is what I need to do for myself.

I don’t have any particular time frame in mind per se, I’m thinking after I talk to a couple more people and get some more perspectives on it. Also, I want to have this conversation with him too, before I finalize this decision. He deserves to have a say. I’m not saying that this decision is already done and set in stone – this log was to organize my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

I hope that I’m really and seriously taking everything into consideration the way I should be. I want to believe in my intuition, go with my gut, and do what’s best for me. Right now, underneath all the anxiety and nervousness of what I have to do, my little inner voice is saying that this is what’s right. So, I’m going to go with that.

Moving on now, I would like to outline what I want this year to look like for me. I understand that life doesn’t always go according to plan, but if I don’t have a plain, life won’t go anywhere at all. I am going to finish my petition letter and hand in my petition. I’m going to get back into psychology. I am going to continue with my counselling sessions, as I explore and attempt to unravel the negative habits that have deeply embedded themselves in my life. I am going to travel. I am going to save money. I am going to finally, after all this time, find the courage to be relatively honest with my parents regarding my education.

But above all, I am going to love myself, the way I deserve to be loved. I’m going to believe in myself, be my own best friend, become comfortable with my own company, and be a little selfish sometimes. I am going to stop caring so deeply about what other people think of me, and how they perceive me. I’m going to stop feeling guilty for the things I shouldn’t feel guilty for, and take what life has to offer me without qualms. I’m going to grow. I’m going to learn. I’m going to get my life on track.

Right now, I feel much more at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done, but for the first time in a while, I’m feeling so much more confident in all the changes I want to implement in my life. I don’t know why exactly, but I can feel this year almost buzzing with possibility and excitement. I feel like it’s waiting to show me things that I never realized could be true. It’s a good feeling.

With all the major things out of the way, I’m left with nothing but the minor incessant thoughts that whirl around my brain on a loop. I suppose there wouldn’t be any harm in getting some of them out, in this log… so here goes.

I would very much love to say that none of this is relevant in my decision towards my relationship, but being honest with myself, it is. But I would like to believe that the reasons that it is relevant, merely aided me along to the decision I was meant to come to inevitably. So… I met this guy. Someone who’s kind, thoughtful, considerate, selfless – an all-around good person, through and through. When I first saw him, I had only seen his back and even then I had felt my heart skip a beat, which is pretty much crazy when I think about it now. Either way, I had written him off as very good looking, and left it at that.

But in the months that we worked with one another? We began to talk. Conversations were had that made me feel like the world fell away, and all I could hear was this person. Our conversations ranged from small chit-chat to full blown personal conversations where I ended up revealing some of the innermost details of my life. But above all this? I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way this person has.

There was this moment, where I had re-entered the department after break, and he happened to be standing there. And out of nowhere, he asked me, “where do you come from?” Confused, I had asked him what he meant. And he went on to explain that people like me were rare, very hard to find. He genuinely meant it, and the way he looked at me when he said it… I couldn’t understand how someone who I’ve barely known for 2 months could look at me in a way that someone I’ve been dating for 3 years never has. With the sincerest appreciation I’ve ever seen.

While working together, we talked enough to form a friendship, or so I’d like to think. I helped him pick out makeup for his god-daughter, and he tried to give me one of his free pieces for helping, which resulted in a back-and-forth exchange that still makes me smile when I think about it. We went to lunch together with Luna, where there were plenty of good conversations and laughs to be had. And then, the last time I saw him…

I don’t really know what happened to me, but I seemed to have experienced some kind of allergy attack while I was at work. And he never left my side, except when he went to get his car to possibly bring me to the hospital. He was totally selfless, and so incredibly sweet and caring. He sat with me in his car until I felt better. We talked about small stuff, and then there was this moment (that could be completely imagined on my end, who knows) where I looked directly into his eyes to thank him for everything he was doing.

And when he looked back… it felt like time froze. I could feel my heart wanting to leap out of my chest. I haven’t felt like that for someone in so long. Actually, never in my entire history of dating, have I ever, ever had even the slightest feeling for another person. Loyalty and faithfulness are so extremely important to me in every aspect of relationships possible, especially emotionally. I looked away.

All I know is, he made me realize that good people, like genuinely good people, still exist. He seems like the kind of guy who would treat his girl the way she was meant to be treated, respected, and loved. More than anything, he helped me to realize my worth. I want someone to look at me the way he looked at me, and now I know that I could have that. I could, if I just let myself. If I love myself enough to let someone love me the way I deserve, I could have everything I want. That’s why meeting him is somewhat relevant to my decision in breaking up with Nick – I want to know I can be with someone who can truly appreciate and care for me.

More than anything, if I do go through with my decision regarding my relationship, it’s going to be for me – not so I can jump from one relationship to another. I need to be alone for a while, really grow as a person. I’m just glad that I met someone who was a catalyst for some much needed self-realizations. And hopefully, I’ve gained a new friend as well.

I don’t know, I just feel like this year really has so many things to offer. So many possibilities, opportunities. And for once, I’m so excited to see what time has to offer me. I’m going to do everything I can to make the best of it, for me. So, until tomorrow. I truly do intend to write every single day, even if it’s just a sentence or two. Here’s to new beginnings, no matter how many times you have to begin again.

Me.

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