Day 10 – January 10th, 2017

Hi! So, it’s late and I am very slightly drunk? Tipsy? I’m not completely sure. I’m having a harder time typing than I normally would anyways. Um, I did something not good? I mean, I don’t regret it because I thought I was good but clearly I kind of fooled myself into it.

Nick’s sweater came in today. The one that was supposed to come at Christmas. I thought I would be okay messaging him asking if he would want it and he pointed out that we were STILL talking a lot. Well.

Either I actually thought I was good, or I gave into a moment of weakness today, I don’t know. Possibly the weakness. He didn’t reply. I deleted our conversation. Our conversation that holds years and years’ worth of conversations. Will I regret it tomorrow morning? Possibly. Right now though? Nah.

He’s right though. I thought I was messaging him under the guise of friendship but he somehow managed to catch that it was more than that. Good for him. Clearly I wasn’t there yet but I am now.

I want to love myself so deeply that things like this don’t bother me. Actually, I did manage to make it through the rest of the night without bothering to check my phone, so that was good. I want to continue that way. Today, for the first time since we’ve broken up, I am a lot less in love with our relationship and him, than I am with myself.

I finally told the girls from work about our relationship during girls night and it felt gooooood. Like, in the course of our entire relationship, I never let myself hate him for what he did to me, cheating on me. But you know, it is a little therapeutic to talk about the cheating. I don’t hate him obviously. But you know what?

I can’t spend all this time with the intention of planning to STAY in love with him. It just won’t work. If I’m going to love myself completely, I have to let go of that love. I can’t hold onto it and expect to love myself completely. I’m not saying that I can’t be in relationship where it’ll be either I choose myself or the other person – I just mean in this case, he was my… kryptonite? He was my weakness. The relationship was my… not weakness actually, but like my vulnerability.

I have to be vulnerable with myself before I can be vulnerable with anyone else. If anything, this taught me that he and I can’t be friends or talk the way we did for a very, very long time. He just seems to know that quicker than I did, but that’s okay. No hard feelings.

I’m not going to message him. Not for a very, very long time. I told myself not to message him until it felt like I no longer felt the NEED to message him, and I need to stick to that. Not out of anger or pride though. Out of self-love, and self-respect. No more!! You’ve indulged in your moment of weakness and it felt normal and good for one moment. No more. Take what you know as “normal” and throw it out. This is no longer a person you can speak to on a daily or weekly basis. LET GO.

And be okay with letting go. There’s literally nothing wrong with it. It’s okay to be alone, and to sometimes to not be okay with being alone. Because eventually, you WILL learn to be okay with it. You’re human, so moments like today we’re bound to happen and there’s nothing wrong with that. It just proves that you cared. That’s all. But it’s time to start letting go, for real now.

Be okay with your loneliness. Let him live his life without you, in complete and totality, for a long while. You will never ever know if it was real if you don’t DO this for yourself and for him. Take yourself out of everything you once knew and throw yourself into the unknown.

Hey you – yeah you. Stop regretting messaging. Stop feeling bad. It’s okay! He wasn’t trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Literally nothing he said had any mal-intentions towards you whatsoever; it was just something he pointed out that went against your original wishes.

Let it go, let it be. Just be you, and let him be him. I think that’s a song. Don’t be ashamed. You’re human. You’re not superhuman or THAT capable of letting go of such strong feelings so quickly. It’s OKAY. It’s okay. Just love yourself. Hug yourself. Let yourself know that tomorrow is another day where you get the chance to be strong again. Okay? Do it now.

Do you feel better? Yes, yes I do. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just do whatever else you have to do for yourself from now on, and by the way? NO. MORE. MESSAGING. You got that?
Go sleep now.

Love,

Me.

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