Day 11 – January 11th, 2017

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little to myself, after reading yesterday’s log. Drunk me is very pleasant, honest and loving. I’m not saying I need to be drunk all the time – but being pleasant, honest and loving towards myself is something that should be a constant, for sure.

So I messaged him yesterday. And me being human, it hurt when he told me we were talking too much, and proceeded to read and not reply to my messages. And like I said in my last log, that’s okay. After all, I’m the one who said I needed space right? I’m sure he was just trying to abide by that.

Anyways, today’s another day.

Despite me writing every day, I feel like I haven’t checked in with myself in a bit so I’m going to do that now.

How are you doing? I’m doing pretty well. I’m feeling a little guilty because I have all my petition stuff beside me on the table but I keep using every opportunity to do something else, which is a little worrisome. I said I’ve accepted where I am in life, so why can’t I continue and finish that letter? What’s holding me back?

I know it’s me. Maybe I just need to find a day that’s free of time frames to really just sit down, and get to it. Time’s a tickin’ and won’t wait around for me forever.

How are you doing emotionally and mentally? Emotionally, a little bit up and down because of the whole message thing. I’m definitely a lot better today. Last night with the girls was really fun and therapeutic. We all talked about a lot, and also made each other laugh, which I’ve missed doing.

Mentally… pretty clear. The awareness that I’ve been feeling lately has been helping me in a lot of ways. I intend to continue as far as I can with this new journey and see where it takes me, who it makes me become.

Oh! One thing I’ve noticed lately – I’m starting to hear my little inner voice of wisdom more clearly now sometimes! I don’t know who’s speaking, but she seems to hold this beautiful, infinite wisdom and she just pipes up out of the blue and says beautiful things. I love that I’m able to hear myself so much more clearly these days, it’s a beautiful feeling.

There’s a lot of things I know I need to do – like telling my parents about my school situation, writing my petition letter and getting all the paper work together. These are necessities that will allow me to move on with my life, as freely as I should. These are some of the things that have kept me feeling “stuck” for as long as I have. I truly have the power to set myself free… it’s a matter of finally loving myself enough to do so. Will you do it? For you?

I will! I know I will. When I’m truly ready. And I’m happy to say, that with every day that passes, I’m getting closer and closer to my day of True Freedom. I can’t wait.

Sometimes, I still don’t feel like I’m “single” yet. I’ve identified myself with my relationship in so many aspects of my life for so long. I wonder when the day will come that I truly feel the weight and the truth of the word.

And I don’t mean in a bad way – like that word has so many negative connotations in society. Today, “single” equates to loneliness. To not being good enough, or worthy. But that’s not how I feel about it!

“Single” to me means freedom. It means living life for YOURSELF and for no one else. It means loving yourself so completely that you don’t need anyone else to do it for you. It means enjoying your own company, no matter where you are or what you do. It’s being independent and generating your own happiness from within yourself. To me, being single is having fun, laughing, and learning and growing as a person, and doing it all just for you. That’s how I want to feel. And although I care less and less about what other people think of me, I don’t want anyone I know to identify me by a relationship anymore. I want them to identify me, BY me. All the things that make me who I am.

Anyways, I have to start getting ready for work soon, so I think I shall end my log here. I just sighed now, like a sigh of real happiness and contentment. I have so much to look forward to, and I’m so excited for it all. I’m not saying that ending my relationship has set me free – I know that in choosing myself, I have chosen to be happy and to love myself in a way that I haven’t in a very long time.

I can’t wait to work today! Anyways, until tomorrow!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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