Hello again! I’m back, continuing on as I said I would. So far, so good. I’m sure there’ll be days where it’s more difficult to find time to write, so I definitely have to take advantage of the days like today where I actually do have the time. So, I just finished work, and I’m currently waiting for a pizza to be delivered to me (I am so freaking hungry, holy shit). It was a bit of a rough day at work – I told Nick that I wanted to see him tomorrow and he said he was available to come over for a little. This means, the conversation is imminent.
I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions today. Fear, sadness, more fear, anxiety, confusion, but I still feel like I haven’t found the acceptance part that I’m really looking for. I guess that particular part will come with time.
I cried at work today, because Chloe and Leila were talking about marriage stuff and for some reason it triggered a fresh bout of tears, knowing that I was letting go of the certainty of those kinds of ideals. Luna sat on the floor with me though, and she told me that there was no need to conform to societal ideals, and that marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be – it’s a word that’s been given a lot of meaning by today’s society. And she was right. I suppose the pressure of having everything fit into a perfect timeline is a hard idea to shake, but really, I never realized how much it dictates my life and my thoughts. I don’t want a timeline anymore, how deeply I wish I could shake off this feeling that everything’s supposed to happen in a certain way, at a certain time. Or, that certain things need to happen AT ALL; like as if getting married and having kids and having a job and a house are obligatory to all those who are living this thing called life.
I forget, time and time again, that life has so much more to offer than just the fulfillment that those particular things bring. I understand that some of those things, such as having kids, can be absolutely beautiful and bring you so much happiness – but I don’t want them on the terms that society has set out for the world. I want them for ME, not because I feel like I HAVE to do it, or else life will be lacking in some way. I know for a fact that that’s not necessarily true.
Anyways, going back to my initial train of thought – so, tomorrow is the day. At one point, I told Luna that I was scared to lose him because he’s truly become one of my best friends, and closest confidantes, and the one of the only people that I make an effort to speak to on a daily basis. All in all, my comfort. He’s been there for years now. And then, she asked me why I’m breaking up with him at all, if that’s how I feel.
At first, I wanted to say “I actually have no idea why”. And then I realized, have I even asked myself that question? Have I asked myself why I’m doing this, truly? In the last log, I gave myself plenty of reasons as to why I believe it’s the right thing to do, but too often I go with the flow without stopping to truly challenge myself. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Why do you want to end your three year relationship with someone who gives you plenty of freedom to be yourself, space to do what you want and need, and who supports you despite all of your self-perceived short comings?
I feel the need to end my relationship because I think that I’m very dependent on it. I don’t think I mean to be, but I am. I’m sad when he doesn’t return my kisses. The fact that he doesn’t verbally express his feelings towards me, the way I wish he would, makes me question his feelings for me. I’m insecure in this relationship on an emotional front, constantly wondering if I’m the one who loves more. I’m not comfortable with just me, and so I’m dependent on someone else to shower me with affection and attention.
I think that I need to learn how to be okay with being alone, and facing my battles on my own, before I can ever really succeed at maintaining a relationship. I’ve been dating seriously since I was 18, and I barely had time on my own as an adult. I need to know, soundly and surely, that I can live this life by myself if need be.
It’s not that I think that I can’t grow while I’m in a relationship with him – it’s that I want to know that I can grow, on my own, as my own person. That I can handle what life throws at me, without having to lean on someone else completely. I need to stand on my own two feet, before I can let someone else walk with me.
Ideally, he’s a great guy. He’s a good person, he works hard, he’s cool with me doing my own thing, super encouraging and supportive, and he’s always there for me during tough times. He makes me laugh, I love spending time with him, and we always have fun together no matter what we may do. He knows me so well, right down to my worst moods and favorite things in life. And when he wants to be, he can be so incredibly sweet.
But despite all of that, there’s a part of me that knows – if I don’t do this now, if I continue on this relationship feeling the way I do, continue on to that future that’s so unclear, I will end up resenting both myself and him. I will always wonder, did I stay out of comfort? Out of fear of being alone? Did I really push for what I wanted, from both myself and from my relationship? Will he take me for granted again, knowing that I stayed despite him doing the worst possible thing he could?
Speaking of that – there’s also now a part of me wondering if I stayed with him because I don’t (or didn’t, past tense), love myself the way I really should. All these years, I watched my mom forgive and tolerate my dad for every single thing he’s ever done to her, over and over and over. For a very long time, I admired my mom’s strength and capacity for forgiveness. Now? I wondered if she ever loved herself. She’s been sacrificing her own happiness for more years than I have been on this earth. Is that strength? Or is that a lack of self-love?
She has so many regrets. Even though she tackles every day with an unstoppable vigor and determination, in those quiet moments she has to herself, her heart is sad. She’s told me so herself. I don’t want that for myself, for her, for my future daughter, for my sister, for any woman whom I love and care about in my life.
So to bring it all back home, why do I want to break up with him? Why do I suddenly want to be alone? Because I care about him too much to remain in a relationship where I know I will end up resenting him. I would rather set us both free, free to find happiness, either together one day or apart, than stay here for the sake of the comfort it brings us both.
I came to a compromise with myself that made it hurt less – the thought suddenly appeared to me, “what if I told him that it was just for a year?” but now, a little voice is challenging back: “is that really fair to him? Fair to ask him to wait for you for a whole year, when you don’t even know what you really want from him, from the relationship? Or what you will want in a year’s time? No.”
And that little voice is right. If I’m saying it’s only for a year, then I say it’s for a year with no guarantees that I’ll come back. I say it, and tell him to date other people, be free, love someone else, do whatever he wants, and to not wait for me to return, because I don’t know if I will. This year is going to be for me trying to figure out what I really and truly want from life. Is he one of those things? Only time will tell.
Another question Luna asked me, that now my inner voice is repeating: if he hadn’t of cheated on you, would you be making this decision right now?
Honestly? I probably wouldn’t be. But would I be who I am today? No. I’ve grown, learnt so much about myself through pain, through getting through what I did. I would be blindly continuing on with this relationship, but would I be as aware of myself as I am today? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I can’t change what’s happened and neither can he. All either of us can do is make the best of what we have now.
“Self-love” is the goal of my year this year. Knowing what I deserve, knowing that I deserve to be loved the way I want, loving myself the way I deserve, allowing myself to really be happy, stopping myself from feeling guilty for wanting the things I want from life – I want it all.
I’ve been really lucky to have loved the way I have loved, in my life. And now, it’s about time that I directed that love at myself.
I know that this is going to be really hard. If it were easy, then that would mean that a) I don’t really love him, and b) I don’t really care. But if anything, this huge lump that I feel in my throat at even the slightest thought of tomorrow, proves that I do have some seriously strong feelings for him. I don’t want to lose him. The thought of being without him scares me so much that it immediately brings me to tears. I care about him very, very deeply. And that’s a huge part of why I’m doing this in the first place.
I’ve spent a year with him, learning to forgive, doing my best to heal, but not really moving forward in the ways that I wanted to. Not his fault, but my own for not making myself a priority, the way I did our relationship. Now I need time to put myself first. All I can hope is that, he loves me enough to understand where I’m coming from with all of this. I think that if he’s as good a person as I believe he is, then he’ll understand that this is what I need right now.
So, tomorrow looms closer with every minute that ticks by. I plan on lingering a little on that hello kiss, and getting a really good last look at him; the way his eyes crinkle a little when he laughs, that dimple in his left cheek when he smiles. I’ll try to memorize way he hugs me close when he’s happy to see me, and I’ll be watching for the little muscle in his cheek that I know is going to jump when he clenches his jaw, which he does when he’s upset or unhappy.
I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss spending time with him, and talking to him every day. I’m going to miss the way he makes me laugh with his jokes, and his carefully selected memes. I hope that he’ll be okay and I hope that he’ll find out who he is as a person, without me. I’m sure he will. I hope that someday, we can talk the way we used to, but as friends. I don’t want to lose him from my life, I really and truly don’t. And I hope, that if he’s really meant to be that person for me, that one day he’ll find his way back into my life. And if not… well then, I hope that his life is filled to the brim with love and happiness, which someone else will give to him. All I want is for him to be happy.
The hardest part is just getting started. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt by living, it’s that when it comes to pain I usually find some way to take it and turn it into strength. The strength will come eventually. But for now, I’m totally okay with crying my eyes out every half hour, until it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Hehe.
Well, until my next log tomorrow. I’m assuming I’m going to have a lot to write about. Wish me luck!