So today went a lot differently than I expected, in more ways than one. I have to write this log rather quickly, and I’m also in a situation where I can’t cry as I write (as much as I would like to), so for now, I will keep it brief and hopefully find some time to write more in depth tomorrow.
So Nick came over today, as planned. It was so beautifully simple, at first. I lingered on our hello kiss, as I promised I would. I watched his eyes crinkle as he smiled at the sight of me, happy to see me as always. I breathed in the scent of his cologne, trying to imprint it in my memory as accurately as I could. We went into my living room and I allowed myself to sit there with him, as I tried my hardest to hold back my tears.
Eventually, we ended up in the kitchen, and it got to a point where I could no longer hold back my tears. He held me while I cried, the concern palpable in his eyes and on his face. He even took my hands and wrapped my arms around himself, so that I could hold him too. That made me laugh a little. I suggested we sit in the living room, so that’s where we went as I tried to gather myself.
And there, the conversation was had. I printed my logs so he could read a collected and organized version of my thoughts and feelings, because I knew there was no way I could ever, ever say what was needed to be said. And after he read everything, he simply took me into his arms again and we stayed like that for a while.
He was completely and totally understanding. He wasn’t angry, he didn’t ask me to stay, he didn’t ask me why – he just accepted everything I said, and asked me if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t, and wouldn’t be for a long time. He even said that we could remain friends, and that things wouldn’t have to change so drastically. He took everything so well, and still managed to make me laugh in one of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life.
When he left, he held me once more, and we shared one last kiss. He told me he knew I was going to do so well in school, and I appreciated that. He truly understood why I was making this decision, and I can’t begin to express how appreciative I am of him, of his immediate acceptance.
I have so much I want to say, so much to process. But for now, I’ll continue on to briefly outline how the rest of my day went – I told my mom, and her reaction… was definitely unlike anything I would have ever expected. She lectured me about how slowly I was finishing school, how my sister and I never do anything around the house, and how she was suffering and unhappy. I honestly have no idea how she managed to turn the pain of MY break up, into a catalyst for her anger.
I understand that maybe she was sad about me being sad, sad that she couldn’t protect or save me, but her resentment towards my sister and I could not come at a worse time. I’m already feeling pretty bad about myself – I didn’t need to add the feeling of not being good enough to my mom, on top of all of that. But I’m trying my hardest to remain strong.
Anyways – I really do have a lot more to say. So far, I’ve stopped myself from crying at least 10 times. I still don’t know if I did the right thing. You know the age old saying of, “you never know what you got until it’s gone”? Yeah, that’s me right now. I can’t stop thinking about how much I already miss him, miss talking to him. Okay, I can’t go there because I’m going to start crying and my mom is literally to the direct left of me.
I must say though – there’s this tiny little part of me, selfishly hoping he’ll wait for me, for as long as it takes me to do whatever I need to do on my own. I obviously want him to see other people, to be happy, to explore this world and whatever it has to offer. But, that tiny little selfish part also hopes that one day, he’ll ask me if I’m ready, because he knows deep down that I’m the girl of his dreams.
But, life doesn’t work that way. We very well may not end up together, ever again. He may very well fall head over heels in love with someone he was meant to meet all along. And the same thing could happen to me. Who knows? So, I have a challenge to myself. On April 3rd, 2017, the three month mark of today, I want to ask myself – how do you feel about him now? Did you do the right thing? Do you regret it? And, are you happy? And then, I want to ask myself again on the six month mark. Again on the ninth, and then finally, on the year mark.
I want to document just exactly how my feelings change over time, if they do. Which, I’m sure they will. Because time changes almost everything.
Anyways, I do have to leave now. Tomorrow evening, I will do an in depth analysis of everything that occurred today, my thoughts on the matter, and my feelings. But before I go, I just want to say a couple more things…
Today was probably one of the hardest days I’ve encountered, for a long while. And here I am, still standing, despite it all. Again and again, I prove to myself that I can and will be capable of handling what life throws at me. And I never want to allow myself to forget that fact. I am strong. I am trying to do better for myself. Today, January 3rd, 2017, I chose MYSELF. And so begins the rest of the changes in my life that follows, as a result. I’m proud of me.