Day 4 – January 4th, 2017

It still feels so unreal to me. Yesterday, I woke up being in a relationship, and went to sleep being out of it. And today was my real first day of being without him. So how did it go?

I had plenty of distraction at first. I was with my cousins, which was really nice. I met up with a good friend for brunch, also a great distraction. And now, I know that the moments that I am alone will be the moments that I dread the most.

It hurts. It hurts so much, all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I regret it so much; I keep staring at his name in my phone, mentally screaming at him to come back, when it was me who left. Every fiber of my body is telling me to message him, to tell him how much I miss him, to tell him that I made a mistake. It’s taking everything I have to hold back from doing this.

A part of me is still in shock, because it happened so suddenly. Everything reminds me of him, but I’m not ready to put anything away yet. It feels like there’s a constant battle going on in my self, at it looks kind of like this:

“Are you insane? How could you let go of someone who supported you so much? Your best friend?”

And then, I try to tell myself, “this is exactly why I had to do it. Because I feel like this, like I don’t know how to go on, like he’s my everything. Until I can learn how to be alone, truly independent, then I can’t be with him or anyone else.”

But it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I know that eventually, it won’t hurt as much. But for now? It does. Like a constant ache in my chest. All I can think of doing is finding ways to distract myself so I can think of literally anything else. But the distraction is only temporary – the pain just feels unending.

I didn’t realize how much a part of my life he had become, until now. I know my friends and family are there for me, readily waiting for me to message or talk to them, if need be. But, it just doesn’t feel the same. It feels like such a big void – a Nick shaped void, LOL. And no one but him can fill it. He had a very specific place in my heart and in my life. Either way, despite that, I’ve been so incredibly lucky to have such a huge and loving support group. The love, support, kind words and encouragement are endless.

I keep hoping that time will pass by more quickly, because I’ve directly seen how time heals all things. But, I know I have to let myself feel these things completely, or else I won’t be healing properly. So here I am, embracing all the tears and sadness and ache to the best of my ability.

I know I’m going to be doing an emotional check-in with myself, three months from now. So, I’d like to write in detail what my current mental/emotional mind frame is when it comes to him and our relationship, so that I can compare it to my three month mark log.

Emotionally: as mentioned before, there is constant ache; I miss him incredibly, in all the possible ways that I can. I cannot stop replaying the break up in my head, on a loop, as those are the very last memories that I have with him now. I keep thinking about old memories, re-reading old conversations, trying to fill the void somehow, in any way. I keep trying to show myself how real everything was – all the jokes, and the laughter, the sweet little moments, the way we spoke to one another. There’s a part of me that’s so scared to forget, that I keep reminding myself. (This probably isn’t the healthiest way to go about things, but I also understand that there isn’t any “guidebook” to getting over a break up, so…)

It’s extra sad, because my first instinct is still to turn to him, to tell him how much it hurts. He’s been the person I’ve come to about everything, for the past three years of my life. But I can’t. Because he’s probably hurting too, so much, and it would be so selfish of me to turn to him when I’m the reason he’s feeling the way he is.

Every part of my heart is screaming at me to take it all back, make it right again. To focus on school while still being with him, knowing that he will support me every step of the way, encourage me.

When will I know I did the right thing? When will this stop feeling like such a huge mistake? When will I stop regretting the moment I began to feel like I needed to end this?

Everything feels so wrong. Every part of me is telling me now, that I didn’t need to do this. That instead of ending the relationship, I could have had a conversation with him first, instead of just having it with myself and making the decision on my own.
I thought that I had thought it out as carefully and rationally as I could, but maybe I didn’t give myself enough time.

Okay me. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Right now.

Listen – it hurts so much because he was the love of your life, and most likely the biggest one. You let him go so that if one day, you find your way to him again, it will be right. You will be whole, and strong, and have done everything you had set out to do, knowing you did it on your own. Whatever relationship you engage in at that point, you will never have to second guess or doubt, no matter with whom it ends up being.

It hurts so much because you’ve never loved anyone the way you love him. It was big, consuming, passionate, and raw, but also a warmth and contentment unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. But the fact that you walked away from that, and voluntarily so? It means that you know how much that love was worth. It was worth more than staying together just for the sake of comfort. This kind of love was worth risking it all so that you could find yourself, and maybe, just maybe, be able to have it again. But, also understanding that it may be lost for good. That’s HUGE. It’s scary, so scary, and that’s why you feel like you need to go back to it, because you want it so bad.

Don’t.

Find yourself first. Know yourself, love yourself, do everything you’ve been meaning to do, and do it for YOURSELF. If this love was meant for you, it will remain there, in your heart, and in his. If this love was real and true, then time will literally mean nothing. Time will heal you, let you come to terms with everything, but it won’t chip away at whatever feelings you have in your heart. KNOW THAT. What’s meant for you will always find you. BELIEVE IN THAT.

You’re going to be okay. You know that, somewhere deep inside you. You know that despite the pain, the hollow ache, that every day is going to get better and easier to get through. You also know, that the reason that he let you go, the reason that he let you walk away, is because he loves you just as deeply as you love him. He wants this for you. He wants you to be happy, to do everything you set out to do, even if it has to be done on your own. So, honor that. Honor the sacrifices that both he and you just made. Be true to it.

…holy crap, I feel so much better. I need to talk to myself more often, LOL. But honestly though – throughout all of that, I took a moment to just hug myself, hold myself, tell myself that everything was going to be okay. This year is supposed to be about self-love, and for a moment I forgot that in this pain, I could turn to myself for support, too. I kept scrambling, wondering who I should turn to, who could make me feel better. Hello… me!!!! I’m right here!!! We’re in this together!! I have everything in my power to pick MYSELF up off the ground when I’m feeling this low. DON’T FORGET THAT ME.

That was actually such an incredible break through. I’m checking my heart right now, and in all honesty, the ache has lessened slightly. I know it’s obviously not going to be that easy, and there will be days where it all comes rushing back – the pain, the doubts, the fears. But this, this log right here, on Day 4 of this year – this is where I learnt that I can always turn to me, and that I will be here for myself.

As for wanting to message him; I just thought of an idea. How about a compromise? Why don’t we type everything we wish we could say to him, in here? Just so that I can get it out. Okay? Let’s go:

…and just like that, I suddenly no longer know what I would, or could, say to him. Because after that break through, I now know that I have already said everything that I needed to say. I guess all I would want for him to know, is that I love him, so much. That this was so hard for me. That right now, I feel like I will always love him and only him. But I can’t guarantee that, and he knows that full well. He doesn’t intend to wait for me, and that’s how I want it to be. It’s how it HAS to be.

I took a little break from this log to talk to my cousins, and I’m feeling immensely better now. They also helped me to realize that I need to accept all aspects of this; because with the bad, comes the good too. All the things that I have to look forward to help so much to deal with all the bad that I know I have to get through now. Things are going to get better. It’s an inevitability.

Today was huge. Today, there was some real progress made. And because I am getting back in touch with myself and writing every day, this progress I made with myself will always be here for me to look back on, whenever I am in doubt. What I’m trying to say is – I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

There are some other things I do need to address while I’m on this log – short term plans that I need to implement for long term results. Tomorrow and Friday, I need to gather everything I was working on in regards to my petition, and get moving with it. It’s about time that I get that letter written, because I’m finally coming to terms with everything that I’ve gone through in the past five to six years. It’s time to move past it all, and do what I can for my future, for myself.

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my counselor for Friday, January 13th, so I’m looking forward to that. But, before I go see her, there are some other things that I need to do that I promised I would – I need to go to the clinic at my school, and see a doctor about my possible ADHD symptoms. Classes start on Monday, and I intend to go to every single class and tutorial.

I finally have some plans that I am ready to implement and bring to life. These changes need to happen. I need to do these things for me. But while I’m here, I need to admit something…

Now more than ever, I am so motivated to bring about these changes and get my life on track because… I dream about the day that I walk across that stage to accept my diploma. The day that I can message him again, and tell him, “I did it.” Yes, because I want him to know and be proud of me, but also… it’s because in my tiny little hopeful heart, I am hoping that he really is the one I’m meant to be with, and that in that moment, he’ll come back into my life the way he’s meant to be. I’m such a romantic, LOL.

I can’t tell you how life is going to turn out. It might take three to four years to do everything I want to do. I can’t tell what’s going to happen in that time. That day dream, that’s based on how I feel presently. It may not be how I feel in a year, or two years, or however long it does take me to get to where I want to be. I just wanted to acknowledge it out loud to myself, right now.

I’m on day five territory now, seeing as it’s five minutes past midnight, so I’m going to draw this log to a close. All I really want to say to myself is, hug yourself more.

Remember that you’re here for you, too. You’re not alone in this. You can just as easily turn to yourself, as you should. You’re going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason, and finally… don’t ever forget; patience. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself heal in the ways that you need to. Don’t try to rush any of it – just go along for the ride, accept everything that comes, the bad and the good. It’s going to be alright, just you wait and see.

Love,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s