Day 5 – January 5th, 2017

Good morning!

So I had some really strange dreams last night, which made me realize that I failed to address one other important topic in last night’s log. And, it somehow managed to crop up in my dream, which usually lets me know that it’s definitely bothering me, on some level.

I dreamed about my mom. She was trying to talk to me, and I kept running down our street trying to get away from her. And then I woke up, and realized how much anger I really am harboring towards her.

The day I tried to tell her what had happened, in a moment that I was already in excruciating emotional pain, she merely added more pain on top of it. She yelled at me, threw things, in a ridiculous rage that made literally no sense to me whatsoever.

I did understand afterwards to some extent, that she didn’t quite know how exactly to react to what I had said. But, nonetheless, her reaction was less than appropriate.

It hurt man! I wanted my mom to be there for me, ask me if I was okay, and maybe even give me a hug? So yeah, I’m pretty angry, and I’m hurt, and I’m stubborn too. Yesterday, she tried to talk to me as though all were okay, and I yelled at her, asking her why she was speaking to me all of a sudden. She hasn’t tried since then.

But this morning, there were pancakes on the table. And a cup of tea, in my own new special mug. In her own way, I know that that was a peace offering of sorts. But I’m very much like her – when I get hurt, my pride gets very much in the way of logic. I want an apology. I won’t speak to her until I hear one.

Meanwhile, the little logical voice in my head is begging to be heard, piping up softly with, “she’s your mom. Just initiate the conversation and let yourself heal, because this anger isn’t helping you in any way.” I know it’s right. Eventually, I’ll have to do the smart thing and tell her how I feel, if not for her then for myself.

Looks like it’s going to be short log for today! It’s now 12:25 PM, and I’ve got to start getting ready for work. Luna and Marilyn are working with me tonight, so it should be fun, I’m excited. But before I go, just a quick little check in with myself…

How are you feeling?

I want to say I’m okay, but you know, the ache is still there of course. I’m thinking just a little bit less about him, but he’s always there in the back of my mind. I keep wondering when I’ll be ready to message him, like what the appropriate timing for that would be – not just for myself, but for him. Like, I don’t want him to feel like it’s too soon. I would obviously ask him to be honest with me afterwards if anything.

Maybe I’ll give it like two weeks or so.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. Until tomorrow then!

Me.

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