Day 6 – January 6th, 2017

It’s honestly crazy how much can happen in one day. I was actually kind of tempted to write again yesterday, because of the amount of things that happened. But, I made it! Where do I even begin?

Let’s start with the fantastically amazing good news: yesterday… I booked a trip to Hawaii!!!!! I’M GOING TO HAWAII NEXT MONTH! When I say that everything is happening so fast, it’s definitely an understatement, LOL. But, this is it! This is what I’ve been looking forward to, what I’ve been meaning to do. I can’t wait to explore another country, while learning more about myself. This is what life is meant to be like! I’m so incredibly excited. I’m going with Luna and her sister.

This year has been off to such an amazing, crazy, unpredictable and spontaneous start, all because I’ve been taking matters into my own hands. Which just goes to show how much of our fate is in our power, if we just reach out to grab it.

And now, onto more pressing matters. Yesterday, while I was at work, Nick messaged me. He asked me if it was too soon, and without really thinking I said no, that it was fine. We actually talked on and off until the evening. And while at first, I was totally okay with it, it did make me wonder – what’s the appropriate time frame for being friends with an ex after breaking up? There aren’t really any guidelines on what’s right or wrong, so I know that it’s a matter of ones’ self.

I have to be totally and completely honest with myself, as I promised I would. So, how did I feel when he messaged? Well, I was happy. I missed talking to him. I think a part of me was hoping that it could be that easy – that all I would need is two days to grieve and mourn, and that we could just bounce back to being friends, no problem.

But now? I’m not so sure.

Oddly enough, it isn’t me that I’m worried about. When I told my cousins that I was feeling okay about it, I meant it. Which confused me, in truth. Shouldn’t I be hurting more? Didn’t I need more space, seeing as it was so soon? So I told him. I told him that I was wondering whether or not it was too soon to be talking again. That it couldn’t be this easy. And then, I realized why he had messaged in the first place.

He was lonely. And I think, it was really, really bad if he messaged me about it. He told me he didn’t want to bother me, but he needed someone to talk to. He’d messaged other people, told his family, but I’m guessing that no one provided him with the support or release that he was really looking for.

I suggested a whole bunch of other people, told him to go out, to have fun, to be happy. And he assured me, he knew it was bad right now, but just for now.

I woke up today hoping that he wouldn’t message me, but… he did.

And now that little part of me that’s logical is laughing at the little part of me that was hoping it would be easier than this. “Nice try, buddy”, it’s saying. But in all honesty, I’m kind of laughing along with it. I don’t think any less of myself for hoping it’d be easier – who wouldn’t?! I’m sure everyone wants to stay friends with someone they broke up with but cared deeply about.

There are a couple things I need to take into consideration here. Namely that I have multiple, humongous, love-filled, encouraging support groups in my life that shower me with nothing but positivity and strength to go through this. All he had was me. And now he doesn’t.

It’s easier for me to heal, to be okay with talking to him so soon, because I have so much strength and love coming at me from all these different directions, including myself now. I don’t think he has that, at least not yet. Which is probably why this is so much harder for him, than it is for me.

That being said, makes what I have to do so much harder. And what do I have to do, you ask? Well… as much as I would be okay with catching up, every so often… I think we need to stop talking, at least for a little while. And funny enough, it’s not even for me – it’s for him.

He still feels like he needs me. Loneliness has him reaching out for the only person he knows who can quell that feeling, and that’s me. But he has to learn how to be okay with being on his own. He has to embrace that loneliness, no matter how hard it gets. I can’t be there for him, the way I used to be. I want to be friends, but I can’t be his only friend anymore. (Or ever again, for that matter – how am I only realizing now how unhealthy that was?! I should have encouraged him to branch out more, but I can’t change that now.)

I’m going to give him just today. One last day to message me and say whatever else he needs to do. And then tonight, I’m going to tell him that I need space. Because, I know he’ll give it to me if he thinks I need it. But really, I think he needs it more than I do. And, I care about him too much to let him depend on me as much as he does.

Also, I think he’s smarter than I give him credit for. I’m pretty sure he knows all of this, just as well as I do. But, I also understand how easy it is to fall back onto the things you feel you need the most, when things get hard. I know I need to be alone, I think he knows this is what’s best too – but, it’s also easy to take up the guise of friendship to pretend we’re not hurting as much as we are.

My gut feeling is telling me that we can’t talk every day like we used to. We can talk sometimes, catch up, and still be a part of each other’s lives in the simplest ways possible. But, our everyday friendship was a huge part of what our relationship was, and that’s ended now. It wasn’t just physical – it was mental, and emotional. If we’re over, then we can’t just be over physically; we have to be over emotionally and mentally too, to a certain degree. Or else neither of us will be able to move forward and live our lives the way we’re meant to, in this separation.

I think that that’s what the real truth of this matter is, and what I need to remember moving forward.

He’s stopped messaging now. I took a really long time to reply, as I was writing this log. He read it, and didn’t respond. I think deep down he knows what I know, despite how hard it is to accept. I wish he wasn’t hurting as much as he was, and I wish that there was something I could do, but I can’t. I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t be his person anymore. Which is sad, but also just a matter of fact at this point.

Anyways, I think that’s about all I wanted to record in this log. Oh, I had another dream about mom. She, Olivia and I were trying to out drive some crazy car chase and people were shooting each other. And a shot got through our back window and shattered it, but Olivia and I were ducked. I think it hit my mom though? Because she suddenly went unconscious, holding onto her neck. And I still tried to save her, I was sad.

I guess that kind of makes me realize that, I need to reach out to her. She’s my mom, I can’t stay mad at her forever because she’s probably hurting just as much as I was, if not more. No one can handle seeing their children in pain, and I think my pain hit her deep and somehow turned into anger. I understand. I’ll see if I can talk to her somehow today. It’s strange, but I anticipate it’ll be like trying to talk to a wall. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t understand, but I still have to make some kind of effort anyways.

I have to do things now, like get my petition stuff organized, re-read what I have written of my letter so far, and see if I can add to it. I have to organize my agenda, get my dates in order for the next little while.

Being able to write every day allows me to marvel at how much can occur in 24 hours. And also makes me sad for all the time that passed last year that went unaccounted for. But it’s okay, because I’m doing things differently this time around. And it feels really, really good. Go me!

Love,

Me.

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