Hello, hello. So there’s about a half hour left of this day, which means about a week of 2017 has passed. And what a crazy week it’s been. I’m really tired, as it’s been a long day, so I’ll be keeping this log on the short side.
I have to say – last night while I was at work, Nick asked me if I had given any thought as to whether or not it was still too soon to be talking. And as much as I was tempted to wait until the night time, just so we could talk for the rest of the day, I knew the time had come.
I told him that I hated not talking to him, as it made me sad. But, I did feel like I needed more time. I told him I wasn’t sure of the time frame, only that I believed that things had to be difficult before they became easier. I told him I didn’t know what was right per se, because I never cared about anyone the way I cared about him. He immediately said he would stop, and bade me goodbye, but I literally couldn’t stop myself from saying “wait”.
And he did, but I was at a loss at what to say. All I knew was that I didn’t want that to be the last thing we would ever say to each other, but what were fitting last words? Unable to come up with anything, I simply asked him if he was okay with what I asked for.
All he could say was that he would see. I don’t blame him – I was basically asking him not to speak to me, albeit as kindly as I could. So I told him that it was nice speaking to him for those two days, that I would miss it, and him. And he said he would miss me too, which immediately made me tear up. I told him to take care of himself, to drive safely, and then I said goodbye.
We haven’t spoken since. All of today went by, and all was quiet once more. But, it was easier to endure today. I was busy, distracted, productive. Nonetheless, not a moment went by where he wasn’t on my mind, in one way or another. I think that particular aspect is going to take a while to go away, if it does at all. Then again, I now have all the time I need.
I wonder how he’s doing. I wanted this for him, so badly. I want him to branch out, meet new people, depend less on me. I wanted him to understand that I can no longer be there the way I used to be, through this. I hope he doesn’t resent me, and deep down I know he doesn’t. I miss him, I really do. It’s so weird, having someone in your life on a constant daily basis for three years, and then all of a sudden not. It’s definitely going to take some time to get used to.
I don’t really know when I’m going to message him again. I’ve been going with my gut a lot this year, and so far it hasn’t led me wrong once. So, I’m just going to leave it. The day that comes where I pick up my phone and suddenly feel like the time is right – that’s when I’ll send him a message.
I’m off from work tomorrow, so I’ll have plenty of time to write a lengthy log if need be. I also have a lot of things I need to get done tomorrow, namely my petition letter. That’s going to be my main priority. I have so much more motivation to get my life back on track. I need to take advantage of this motivation as soon as I can.
Anyways, I think I’m going to get some much needed shut-eye, and write tomorrow.