The amount of things that can happen in 24 hours’ time never ceases to amaze me, honestly. I’m on the last hour of Day 9 so I’m going to try and get this out as quick as I can. I mean, I don’t mind going on after 12, but also I’m really tired because it’s been a very long day (went back to school, had a full time shift right after.)
So yesterday, I put everything away like I intended to do. I put all of our stuff into a box, amazed at how many memories we managed to make together in our three years’ time. And then I started thinking. I wanted to keep everything. Including the cards I wrote him, and the book of memories that I made for him. But, the only reason I wanted that stuff was because I thought that maybe he was so angry with me, that he would throw everything out.
So after much hesitation and deliberation, I sent him a message asking him if he was planning on throwing everything out. And that if he did, it would be understandable. But if that were the case, if it would be okay for me to have everything instead, seeing as I wanted to keep it all. Within five minutes or so he messaged back, and the conversation that followed made me glad that once again, I went with my gut.
He said he was keeping all my gifts, and that he wasn’t angry at me anymore (much to my surprise). I told him that resentment like his doesn’t just go away that easily and that he should take more time if he needed it. But he assured me that all was good, and that there were no hard feelings.
He ended up telling me how he wasn’t mad because he just felt like he needed to get all of it out. He said he had no idea he had felt that way, but he felt relieved after sending it. He mentioned he had a bit of a restless night afterwards while waiting for my reply, but that he felt better after reading it. He said he felt centered, and didn’t hate me.
I told him I was glad that he was keeping the stuff, and that I was glad he didn’t hate me. He once again told me to text him when I was ready, and I told him to tell me if it was okay with him when I did. And then we bade each other good bye, as healthily as you please.
I have no idea how, but within a week we managed to get through pretty much all the stages that a break-up entails. From sadness, to loneliness, to anger and resentment, to acceptance. Full circle in 8 days. Not bad. One thing I forgot to mention he said: he said he wished he had looked into his feelings earlier, because things would have been much different. To which I agreed, regarding myself.
Today, I encountered things that made me want to message him. But I held back. I think I know that I can’t message him until the urge to message him goes away. I can only text him again when it no longer feels like a necessity. I don’t know when that’ll be, but I intend to be patient with myself. I’m sure eventually, it’ll get easier, and we’ll be able to talk again.
I love how much we’ve already grown in all of this. I hope that this huge change spurns an incredible amount of growth in each of us. I’m already so looking forward to the day that we can catch up, a day that we’ll no longer be tied with sadness, loneliness, or heart break.
Anyways, moving on. I’ve been reading this book called “Madly in love with me; the daring adventure of becoming your own best friend”. And it is AMAZING. I’ve been reading it slowly, taking everything in little by little, doing all the exercises she’s been asking me to do. And already, my mind frame is changing. I’m noticing more that I’m actively trying to create self-love in everything I say or do. And it’s beautiful. Already, I’m generating a more genuine and sincere happiness. A happiness that’s coming from myself, from within.
There was this one exercise – on one piece of paper, I had to write all the things I hated about myself. There was a lot. It made me sad, to see the ways I thought about myself deep down. There was so much resentment towards myself, so much doubt. But then, on another sheet of paper, I had to take every single one of those statements and transform them with love. It was beautiful. It helped me to come to terms with all the things I had internalized. It was actually very, very therapeutic.
Some time ago, I read a book called “Outwitting the Devil”. And whether I knew it or not, that book set off a change in me – a shift in consciousness. Suddenly, I began to thirst for more self-awareness. I began to crave change. And here I am today; writing every single day, making sure I stay in touch with my thoughts and emotions, reading self-help and self-love books, teaching myself to love me and adore me, I extricated myself from a relationship that had turned unhealthy without either of us knowing, I’m in therapy, and I’m trying to do better for myself and for my life.
I am so incredibly lucky that this happened to me now. I’m so young, only 24. This level of awareness doesn’t come easily to most, and sometimes it comes quite later for others. Of course, everything happens as it is meant to, but nonetheless. I am lucky. I am blessed.
I’m so excited to love myself so wholly that all of the doubts, fears, anxieties and insecurities get stripped away. I can’t wait to see what I can do.
Which reminds me! As I come to terms more and more with where I am in life, I realize that something huge that’s been holding me back is a fear of my parents. Specifically, I fear my parents judgement of me, I’m afraid of their disappointment in me, that I’m not going along to their plans or schedule for me.
I will NEVER, literally NEVER be happy if I continue to think that I’m a failure because my life is NOT going according to whatever they believe is right for me.
YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THIS RIGHT HERE.
I need to tell them. I need to tell them where I am right now, how long it’s going to take me to get to where I want to be, and most importantly, THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT I’M OKAY WITH IT ALL. I can longer stand to be disappointed or ashamed of myself because I haven’t fulfilled their personal expectations of my life.
This kind of change of self doesn’t happen overnight. Am I still scared? You bet I am!
But, my need for happiness, contentment in myself, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness is beginning to outweigh the fear of their reactions.
I don’t intend for this kind of self-awareness to be a “phase” in my life. I want to shed the person I was like an old snake skin, and be reborn into a person who knows nothing but self-love, confidence, and happiness that comes from within. I intend to maintain this awareness, acceptance, self-respect, happiness, self-love, and confidence for as long as I shall live. Never again will I be alone because I HAVE ME. Because I’m finally falling in love with myself, and it feels so, so good. And I intend to stay in love with myself, forever. I’m going to marry me before I marry anyone else, LOL.
But honestly though, like you know wedding vows? “Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded so-and-so in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, etc. for as long as you both shall live”? Why don’t we ever make it a priority to promise and vow those things to OURSELVES, before we promise them to someone else? Do we love ourselves when we’re sick? When we’re poor? When we believe we’re lacking somehow? Because we really, really need to. How can we promise someone else something like that before promising ourselves?!
Self-love should be a constant in ALL circumstances of life. I’m pretty sure now that self-love is the key to all things good in life. Where has it been all this time?! Either way, I’m glad it’s finally made its way into my life now, not a moment too soon.
Anyways, I think it’s about time that I treat myself to some sleep. Sage is coming over tomorrow to dye my hair (possibly, depending on the snowstorm), and I think it’ll be a nice welcome change that’ll make me feel good, which I deserve. I love that I’m becoming so loving of myself, knowing that I do deserve to treat and take care of myself.
It’s important to celebrate the little victories. The little battles that you fight with yourself that are won, inevitably add up to the larger scale war that goes on within us on a daily basis. And while I may not win every battle, I do intend to win the war – every single day, I will fight self-doubt, self-loathing, harmful habits, shame, embarrassment, anger, impatience, and all the things that bring me more harm. I will fight, and I will win. I know I have it in me.
Oh how I love you, me. I am proud of you. No matter what the little devil voice says in your head, like it did just now, (why are you hugging yourself, are you crazy) you KEEP ON FIGHTING TO LOVE YOURSELF WITHOUT BOUNDS, UNCONDITIONALLY.
I love you, have a great sleep!