Day 12 – January 12th, 2017

I’m feeling a little melancholy today. I didn’t do a lot of the things that I wanted to do this week, and it makes me a little sad.

Having a plan and implementing a plan are two very different things. It’s easy to make and hold onto a plan, keep it in your back pocket, like holding onto hope. But implementing a plan, that’s a whole different ball game. It takes time, effort, motivation and consistency.

Right now, I need to work on the motivation part. Actually, I need to work on all parts. But, I do have a plan, and that right there is a little victory in itself. Why? Because it proves to me that I’m not without ambitions. I haven’t given up on myself, even though I very easily could have.

So I didn’t do a couple things that I intended to this week. That’s okay. I did other things for myself – I went to class, I dyed my hair and I feel amazing, I spent time with people I care about, I worked. And tomorrow, I’m going to see my counselor, work out with Olivia, and see my friends. There’s always going to be a positive way of looking at things, and I want to actively choose the positivity instead of focusing on the bad.

Last night, I told my dad about the break up. At first, he asked me if I was joking. And then, he got a bit upset about it; he asked me why I would do something like that, seeing as Nick was such a nice guy. I just breathed through it all, knowing what I know.

Within a couple moments, he went back to being okay, and that was that. I still can’t believe that telling my dad was a hundred times easier than telling my mom. Update on that front; she and I are speaking on relatively normal terms when we have to, but for the most part, I barely see her. Our shifts have been opposite – so when I’m home, she’s not, and when I work, she’s home. And then at night, she’s already in bed.

I suppose I kind of miss her. She’s my mom, after all. Is this easier? Yes. But is it better? No, I know it’s not. I’m sure she’s hurting. Relationships can be so complicated. I just haven’t found the right moment to talk to her about things. I’m still dreading that conversation. But I suppose, if it has to be had, it should be done for my own peace of mind as well as hers. The right moment will come eventually.

Oh right! I forgot to mention something that happened yesterday afternoon – Nick messaged me. He said he was a little confused about the sweater – how was he supposed to get it from me without seeing me? And then he asked if it was okay if he did, but maybe in a couple weeks even. I didn’t let myself reply for a while, for a couple reasons. Firstly, because the thought of messaging him still made me nervous, and secondly because the exchange we had the day before still stung a little bit.

Eventually though, I managed to steel my nerves enough to offer a reply. All I said was, I didn’t mind seeing him if he was okay with it too, but I did agree that it should happen within a couple weeks’ time. All he said was okay, and that was that.

How do I feel about this now? I’m actually pretty okay, you know. I don’t know what “a couple weeks” means – I’m thinking sometime in the end of January maybe. But we’ll see how that goes. One of my cousins had a good idea – to use seeing him as a kind of emotional test for myself.

The results I’ll be looking for are as follows: are we really and truly okay to be friends again? Are we better off just not talking and maybe keeping space from one another? Are the feelings still there, on my part, and possibly his? On a scale of 1 – 10, how difficult was it to see him again, to hear his voice and such? Was it awkward, or was it easy?

I can’t believe I’m conducting emotional experiments. I really, really hope that we can remain friends. Without the longing, or emotional attachment, or sadness, or even latent resentment.

I guess we’ll see when the time comes. Speaking of time, I’m running out of it! I was supposed to be showered a while ago, and getting ready for work. I’ll write tomorrow night because I want to write about how my entire day went as a whole.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 12 update, 11:19 PM; So this is the first time that I’m writing twice in a day, but I couldn’t go to sleep without updating Day 12 with some very cool news!

I’ve been officially hired for my first ever make-up gig! It’s for this woman and her mother, for a Bar Mitzvah event. I’ll be doing some day makeup for them early in the morning, and then later night glam makeup! I might need to look up how to do make-up on an older person – the mother of the lady is 97 years old. God bless her, LOL.

Before I go to bed, there’s just one other thing I wanted to add. I think I once read; it isn’t the bad things in life that make you want or need someone – it’s the good things you want to share. And it’s a little true.

The first person I wanted to tell was him. I told my friends, my family. But it’s so strange how good news doesn’t feel as good when it’s not shared with the one person you wanted to share it with most. Sometimes, in moments like these, it’s so hard for me to remember that this is what was best for us both.

I always manage to make it through my day, as blasé as you please. But it’s at night, when I’m alone with no distractions that it all comes back to me. Someone questioned me today, when I told them about our break-up. “How can you know for sure you did the right thing? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that you get along with, in every way? Someone who’s nice, and someone you love who truly loves you back?”

In all honesty, I know I did the right thing because of the message he sent me afterwards, full of anger and resentment that he was able to get out. I know because I’m already becoming a stronger and more secure person. And that’s what makes it worth it. There was so much good that came out of this, that it makes the bad a little bit easier to bear. The bad is still pretty bad though, don’t get me wrong. But I’m choosing to focus on the good.

Anyways – tomorrow should be a great day! I’ll be writing later on. Until then,

Love,

Me.

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