Day 13 – January 13th, 2017

So, today went a lot differently than I thought it did, but in all honesty I think it went exactly how it was meant to. Olivia and I didn’t end up going to the gym, and I didn’t end up going to meet my friends tonight.

But, I did see my counselor, and I did treat myself to a deliciously relaxing Lush bath, complete with my favourite candle and some soft music. I feel very relaxed and warm now. Not to mention, I’ve been trying my utmost hardest to stop myself from getting sick (because I’ve had this tickle in my sinuses since Wednesday), so maybe I was meant to rest at home today. I think I want to make today’s log a nice long one. I actually have the time to sit down and just, write without stopping, so I may as well take advantage of that.

Which means, I’m going to talk about my appointment with my counselor in detail. Just some background information about her: she’s a psychotherapist, who specializes in specific types of therapy and counselling, namely one on one client basis kind of stuff. She’s really, really nice. She made me put a hand over my heart and really feel what I was saying in our first session together, and I don’t know why, but it was that there that made me realize that she was basically perfect for me, LOL.

(I just want to stop here to give myself a little message – even though parts of your logs have been shared with others, even shared with someone who needed help, doesn’t mean that you need to filter or censor what you say. This is YOUR place of comfort, YOUR safe space. So say what you need to say, without holding back, ever.)

Before I go into talking about how my session went, I have to talk about something that just happened literally about a minute ago. First of all, I love that I’m going with my gut with a lot of things and doing what feels right in the moment. So just a moment ago, I finally told my mom and dad that I’ve been going to counselling sessions.

I’m doing my best to explain to them how me and Olivia’s childhoods affected us, and had a huge hand in shaping who we are today. I’m trying to make them understand that, although we wish we could have been “stronger”, that this is the way we are because of what happened, but that we’re really trying to help ourselves now.

We’re trying to make it better, so that our tomorrow’s and our futures have more hope for happiness and success. I don’t want them to feel guilty, or at fault, because that’s the way that things happen. What’s important is that we’ve recognized that something is wrong, and now we’re trying to do what we can to figure out why, and to figure out solutions.

I think mom actually kind of understands. She said she knows that one day, we’re both going to be okay and successful. And she admitted that even though she perceives herself as strong, that her anger and sadness sometimes come out at the wrong time and in the worst ways. I think she’s really, really sad deep down. I can see her struggling really hard to keep an about face while I tell her all of this. But I know it breaks her heart. No mother wants to see their children suffering, or struggling. I know we’re going to be okay.

We’re going to have healthier adulthoods because we’re aware now, and seeking help. Which is a huge, monumental step forward. I’m proud of the both of us.

I wasn’t ready to tell her about how much I was really struggling with school, so I told her that I was considering doing the honours program and that it might take longer to graduate. She was okay with that, and she suggested that maybe if Olivia had enough RESP money, that we take some out of hers for me.

God, how I wish I could win the lottery, LOL. I can’t even begin to fathom how money significantly dictates the way and the quality in which we live our lives. It makes me sick sometimes. I really need to ask for a raise. And, if they don’t give it to me, I need to find a better paying part time job. Like as much as I love working where I work, and as much as I love my job there, I need the money more than anything else.

That’s going to have to be one of my priorities this week. I’m going to approach my manager and ask her to consider me for a raise, and a substantial one at that. If I’m going to make this year my year, I have to do everything I can for myself. No more settling for being in the same place, day after day, with no growth upwards. I’m investing in myself and in my future and I cannot stress enough how important that investment is.

Anyways. So I told my parents about the counselling. I think that’ll make it easier for when I finally tell them that I’m not graduating this year. Or next year, or possibly the year after that. I want my degree, I really do. I want it for myself. It’s just going to take me some time to accomplish. But I know that walking across that stage one day will be one of the proudest moments of my life. I know I’m not in a competition with anyone in life, but I do want these things for myself.

And yes, I do want them in a bit of a certain time frame. I know that things don’t go according to plan all the time, but like I’ve said before – if I don’t have a plan of some kind, I will be aimless and I won’t be heading in any direction. I have goals and dreams that I want to achieve, and even though it’s going to be hard, I want to achieve them for me.

The more I get rid of the mental and emotional obstacles that obstruct my path, the more motivation I feel flowing through me. It’s accompanied with a little bit of anxiety, which I can do without, but the motivation is a nice feeling that I could get used to.

Maybe that’s something that my counselor can help me with as well. Speaking of  – my appointment today! She asked me how I was doing to start it off, and what had changed since the last time I’d seen her. I mentioned that I was doing better; I was reading great self-help books about loving and taking care of myself, and I told her that I had come to the realization that I had to be honest with my parents in order to be happy.

I told her about my break-up with Nick, and why I felt the need to do it. I gave her a little bit of background information about us as well, so she could understand. She asked me what was still bothering me, and I talked to her about my relationship with my parents. I talked about how even though they meant well, they fostered a really hostile and judgmental environment regarding school, even from the time I was a child.

We did the EMDR therapy – she took me back to a moment where I had received a discipline record from school, and my dad reacted really badly to it. I hadn’t even realized myself, but those discipline records became a symbol of guilt, shame, fear and sadness to my childhood self because of what they meant to my parents. Ergo, the resulting feelings were that I felt inadequate, unloved, and not enough.

She helped me to re-process this memory, to come to terms with it. In my head, I went outside of the memory and pictured myself giving my nine year old self a hug, and telling her that she was a good kid despite whatever the discipline record said. I tore up the stupid pink paper. Afterwards, I felt so much lighter and freer. I truly believe that I can be happy, that I am enough.

I think the therapy today was a part of why I was able to be honest with my parents about the counselling. I’m really trying to help myself, to better myself, so that I can function more efficiently as a person in my future. I really wanted them to understand how difficult it was throughout childhood to focus on school, or be a good student, when I was trying to handle things that were outside of my emotional capacity as a child.

Anyways, at the end of the session, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to focus on for our next session. So I asked her if we could go through how Nick cheated on me, because I wanted to see if I dealt with that properly on an emotional basis. So that’s what we’re going to be doing when I see her next.

My emotional check-in for today; so, I’ve written about everything that’s occurred. But how do I feel? I’m still feeling a little residual anxiety from the discussion about the financial stuff and school things, that I had with mom. Those things make me really, really nervous. I don’t want to mess anything up for anyone. But deep down, I know that everything will work out as it’s meant to. Hardships come and they go, and they leave us so much stronger than we were before. I just need to really believe in that. Everything is going to be okay.

What else do I feel right now? Well, I’m a little nervous about my make-up gig tomorrow. But not too nervous, because I love doing make-up and I know what I’m doing with it. This was a very last minute agreement, so hopefully they like my work and if they don’t, in the end I did them a favour and I agreed with the best of intentions. No hard feelings on my part when it comes to this. I need the money in all honesty, and I’m willing to use my talents to hustle, when I need to. I

’m kind of relieved that I told mom and dad about the counselling. Now, I need to gather up the courage to eventually tell them that I’m not graduating this year. There’s going to be some disappointment and possibly some misunderstanding, but you’ve got to be ready for that. Don’t get defensive or angry, because they just don’t understand and all they want is for you to be happy, ultimately. Once you get it over with, you can really focus on everything you need to do, and get back on track without fear or regret.

And lastly, time for my little heart of hearts confessional. How am I feeling about my break-up today, on day thirteen? In all honesty, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. I mean, in the sense of missing him. I’ve mentioned before, that when I’m distracted it doesn’t bother me as much.

But it’s only been a little over a week, I know. We agreed to not talk for a couple weeks, and also that I can give him his sweater sometime around then too. But what does a couple weeks really entail? 2 weeks exactly? 3? How will I even know if I’m ready?

With these thoughts in mind, I gave myself a tentative date in order to soothe myself from the torture that is uncertainty. I’m thinking, that maybe after my second session with my counselor, that I text him to ask how he’s doing and if he’d like to pick up his sweater.

So, that’s a little less than two weeks away. I’m hoping that in this time, the ache of missing him and missing talking to him will lessen somewhat. I really hope that it’s lessening for him too, if he feels it the way that I do.

I made this choice. Despite all of my feelings, I’m still focusing on loving me, for me. On accepting, forgiving, growing and learning, all for myself. It’s coming along pretty well, so I’m proud of me for that. I have a long way to go, but I’m looking forward to every step of the way.

Anyways, it’s almost 10 PM now, and I have to start preparing and organizing everything I need for my make-up job tomorrow. I have to sleep soon too, because I’m going to be waking up quite early tomorrow in order to make it on time.

Good luck to me! You’re going to do great. I’m so proud of you.

Love, love, always,

Me.

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