What a day it’s been! First of all, the makeup gig went AMAZINGLY! The lady and her grandmother were so, so nice. It was so cool to actually do strangers’ makeup, knowing that they trusted me to make them look fabulous, LOL.
In the end, they were very happy with the results, both during the day night and the night time touch up. She ended up giving me way more money than I anticipated – over $200 dollars! Two hundred dollars for doing something I love to do! Now that, is definitely one of the best feelings I’ve experienced in a really long time.
I had to wake up at 5 am today so I’m really, really tired. I think I should head to sleep soon, seeing as I’m not feeling well. But I think there’s something I have to do here before I go…
All day, my brain and my heart have been arguing back and forth and I feel like I’m going NUTS. My heart misses Nick. She misses our conversations; she misses him being the first person I went to about my good news, my happinesses, even the dull mundane details of my day.
She’s saying, “screw the two weeks! Why can’t we message him NOW?! Why can’t we just be friends already?”
My brain on the other hand, is trying with all her might to rein in my heart. She’s digging her heels into the ground, trying to hold onto whatever logic she can find to steady herself.
“Don’t message him yet! You’re not being fair to him, OR to yourself! What if he needs space from you right now?! Why can’t you give yourself some time to heal and accept that this is going to be hard for a long while, before it gets any easier?!”
And then my heart’s all like, “I don’t want to message because I miss our relationship! I mean I do, but I miss our friendship more than anything else! He was our best friend – we broke up with our best friend, not just our boyfriend! Do you know how much that hurts?! I know that we needed this but I just don’t understand why we can’t be friends right now! That’s all I want!”
And my brain shakes her head exasperatedly, but still tries to make my heart feel better.
“Listen”, she cajoles to my heart, “I know this is hard. I can feel you aching every single day that passes, when I’m not busy doing something that takes up all of our attention. And in that pain, it’s so hard to remember this: that a huge, if not the most important, part of your relationship was your friendship. Friendship IS a relationship. We depended on him and him on us, so much. He became our constant – someone we knew would always be there to talk and to listen at the end of a long day. And now that we don’t have that constant anymore, life seems a little less full.”
“I know how hard this feels for you. But until it becomes easier, without him, we’re not ready to bring him back into our life. The day that you stop hurting so much, the day that we can send a message without you skipping a few beats… that, is the day that we’ll be ready for a real friendship. And I know that you’ll probably always hold some feelings for him – you’re a heart, it’s what you do. And when you love, you love hard. But if you want a friendship, then you’re going to have to let some of those feelings go, even if it’s just a little. Just enough to live your life and enough that it allows him to live his in a way that doesn’t end up hurting you.”
I can feel my heart nodding sadly in agreement. “I do want him to be happy”, she says in a small voice, shrugging lightly. “But I miss him a lot, and I wonder if he misses me at all. I understand what you’re saying though. I can’t promise you that I will ache any less, but I’ll try.”
My brain smiles begrudgingly, shaking her head again, but this time in amusement.
I know how my heart is. She’s a hopeless romantic, forever in love with love. I know that it’s going to take her a very long time to let go of the depth of love she (I) had for him. So I’ll just let her heal in the way she sees fit, as I try to carry on with my day to day life. And she knows that no matter how hard this may be, that this is what we have to do. In a way, the two week date I’ve set is our compromise.
It’s okay to miss someone. But I have to let myself do it. No giving in to the urge to message. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and if he’s trying to move on the way I hope he is, then it wouldn’t be fair to him either.
There’s a tiny part of me that’s scared that, in all this silence, we’ll forget how to be friends when the day comes that I do message him. What if we’re awkward with each other? What if we no longer have anything to say to one another? But I guess if that’s the case, then none of this was as real as I thought it was. I don’t think real friends can forget how to be friends, even if they go so long without speaking.
Granted, our circumstances are a little bit different here, seeing as we broke up, but still. I guess we’ll see when the time comes. I’m going to try my hardest to be as normal and friendly as possible. And honest. I think it’s going to be really important that we remain honest with each other if we’re going to try to be friends.
Anyways, I think my brain is literally screaming for sleep (even though it’s only 10 pm), so I’m going to go to bed and try to give myself some well-deserved rest.
Hey! I worked really hard today. I went from one job, to another, and back again to the first. That’s huge! I’m proud of me. I proved today that I can hustle when I need to. And that I really am so, so talented and skilled at something I love to do. I can make other people happy by doing something that makes ME happy. There’s hope for me yet.
Here’s to a day full of successes, big and small. I love me! I’m proud of me.