Day 19 – January 19th, 2017

Today’s been really good – I had a really nice long talk with Marilyn and Diego, as we were all night shift people. We talked about me and my awareness of self, and also about Diego’s current predicament as well. All in all, things got really deep and really personal.

Which is honestly why I love my department. We’re all so close to one another, confide in each other. They’ve really become like my second family and I would hate so much to leave.

I work early tomorrow morning, so I should probably get some rest now. I’m still in my work clothes! It’s been a busy day.

I have this incredible feeling within me that everything is going to work out exactly as it’s meant to. It’s so powerful and so… good.

Today, I was wondering why breaking up with Nick was such a catalyst for all this amazing change in my life. He never, ever held me back from anything – he always encouraged me to do my best, to do all these things that I’m doing now. To ask for a raise, to write my petition – he even sat with me in the library while I got my petition letter started. He always told me to travel, to be more confident and assertive and to love me the way I should.

So why now? Why only after the relationship ended, did I start to do all these things? Inner wisdom voice says: you know how you can’t love someone else properly until you first love yourself completely? Well, you WERE very much in love with him, that we know for sure. So, what was lacking was the self-love.

You can most certainly have both together, but one must come before the other. Self-love must come before loving someone else, and now you know that. When you broke up with him, you were giving yourself a chance to love yourself first. And now that you are falling in love with yourself, all the good things that come along with that are finally accessible to you. The awareness, the confidence, the assertion, the happiness, and the contentment.

I’m not saying you’ve already arrived at your destination of self-love – you’re just finally on your journey now. Soon, it will become like a second nature. And when it does, when you don’t have to actively implement it into your every thought and every action, THEN you can introduce someone into your life.

In retrospect, it does seem unfortunate that breaking up with him was the “catalyst” for all of this positivity. But eventually, you’ll see that it was meant to happen in order for the BOTH of you to find real happiness – not in each other, but in yourselves.

“It’s not you, it’s me” – this may be cliché and overused, but the truth of the matter is it really wasn’t him. He wasn’t perfect but he was always what we needed, in every way. Supportive, loving, and encouraging. It was you, but not in a bad way that makes you seem at fault (don’t ever blame yourself for the way things happened, ever); you just needed to love YOU first. And now you do.

I love talking to myself. Really though, I don’t know where the infinite wisdom comes from (okay, it’s me), but it never fails to clarify things, each and every time.

GAH IT’S ALMOST 1 AM. I’ll write after my shift, before we leave to Anne’s birthday, because I’ll be sleeping over there and won’t find any other time to write a log if I don’t. So, until then, I bid thee adieu and farewell.

LOVE YOU,

Me.

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