Day 21 – January 21st, 2017

Yesterday night was so much fun! Anne had a really good time for her birthday, and we all got along really well. Anne has this friend who is just… operating on a higher vibration. Like she’s so completely aware of herself, it’s almost as though she’s nearly reached enlightenment! It seems as though she’s even perfected the idea of real detachment – she has a very complete understanding that literally everything in this life is impermanent.

While her awareness is awe-inspiring, I don’t think that level of detachment is meant for me. It’s so rare to meet people like her so I’m genuinely curious about her ways of thinking, but I wouldn’t want it for myself. I like my level of awareness, and I like that I severed one of the biggest attachments in my life in order to grow as a person. But I did that for me, as in investment for myself but also my future relationships, i.e. my future attachments.

I intend to submerse myself fully in embracing everything this life has to offer, the good and the bad. But, I also want to grow as a person too. I aspire to find the in between, or at least whatever level of awareness that works for me. All I know is that I somehow realized that I could no longer settle for just simple comfort, which is huge.

My relationship was definitely my biggest comfort and security. But it also hid from me all the ways I needed to grow and evolve as a person. Now that it’s gone, I’ve been able to see myself and other things so clearly. And when I re-enter a relationship, with whomever it may be with, I’m sure that I’ll be able to maintain this sense of clarity that I have gained in choosing myself.

It’s really so amazing what you can learn from other people. I actually genuinely enjoy meeting new people, gaining more wisdom and knowledge, and challenging myself.

Before I go – it’s been a little while since I did an emotional check in.

How are you feeling?

Mostly bored, I think? I don’t know if bored is an emotion, LOL. I’ve noticed that I keep going back and forth between wanting to message him, but then also wanting to put it off, which is strange.

When I think about all the possibilities of what could happen, I also notice that I lean towards the bad, in order to prepare myself for the worst I suppose. Like, what if we’re weird? What if we don’t know how to be friends anymore? What if we end up going our separate ways after this? I guess I’m afraid. I’m scared of the unknown, the uncertainty of moving forward.

Ooh, I can hear my inner wisdom voice piping up! Okay, go ahead little voice:

First of all, of course the unknown is scary. But, you threw yourself into the unknown the day you ended your relationship. And, I’m happy to say, you’ve been doing really, really well since. So really, it’s the idea of the unknown that’s so scary, not the unknown itself.

No matter what ends up happening, just know that you’ll be able to navigate through these uncharted waters with your new found sense of awareness, confidence, happiness, and determination. And me! I’m here! Thanks for listening to me, and asking yourself these questions! It’s so great that you know you have this untapped wisdom within yourself.

Another note to yourself: be more frequent with your emotional check-ins! I have this feeling I may have already said this in one of my prior logs, but there’s no harm in having it reiterated. Emotions can be mucky and hard to pull apart when they’re all muddled together in your head and your heart. Sometimes, you don’t even realize why you’re feeling the way you are until you really ask yourself, and until you take the effort to peel them away from each other one by one.

And one last thing before I go – in regards to all the questions I asked, I think the most important thing I can do moving forward is to just be completely honest in every way, with both myself and with him. Honesty may make things a little difficult at times, but in the end it’ll simplify whatever complications that could arise, I feel.

Okay! Well, this has all been very sage advice, thank you self! (You’re welcome, heh). I’m not really sleepy because I took a 3 hour nap when I got home today, but I think I would like to just lie in bed until sleep does over take me. Until tomorrow then!

Oh and… ONE MORE MONTH UNTIL I LEAVE TO FUCKING HAWAII, AHHHHHH! This time, in a month, I’ll be in warm temperatures and an entirely different part of the Earth! I CANNOT WAIT!

Okay, that’s about all I have to say for today! I shall write tomorrow, and talk about what I’m looking forward to in my upcoming week! It’s going to be yet another good one, I already know.

Love you and goodnight!

Me.

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