Day 22 – January 22nd, 2017

Hello!! Interesting day today. It was just me and two other coworkers because two other people called in sick, and everyone else was off. I had some very intriguing conversations that have made me begin to think. So, today I was planning on perhaps messaging Nick. But now, I’m not so sure if I should.

I was talking to one of my coworkers about the breakup. And he was telling me about how his first breakup was with a woman he was head over heels in love with, and how it destroyed him. He said that it took him about six months to really begin to heal, to start seeing other people. He suggested that if I really care about Nick, that I would give him six months too. That trying to be friends now would be too soon and too painful for him, if he was really and truly in love with me of course.

This whole exchange prompted a series of thoughts, and this is some of the lines they went along: is it really too soon to be friends? Will it harm him more than help him? Should I just not message at all and give him space for the next couple months, since we’re already not talking? And lastly, I’m taking his feelings so much into consideration because I care about him, that’s a given.

But what about me? Am I taking myself into equal consideration, as I should? What do I really want? What would be best for me? And so, I’m going to talk to myself in this log, converse with my inner wisdom, question by question. And, hopefully by the end of this log, I’ll know exactly how I’d like to proceed with the consequential decision, which is: do I message him? And if I do, do I do it today or tomorrow, or sometime this week?

Okay! So question number 1: is it really too soon to be friends? Somewhere deep down, my inner wisdom or gut feeling or intuition is saying: yes. We spent three years in a relationship together, head over heels, totally consumed by one another. We were each other’s best friend, confidante, and partner. He was the first person I went to about my anger, sadness, and happy moments too. The first person I wanted to tell when I achieved something. We talked every single day for the past three years. It was a comfort and a stability that no other aspect in our lives could rival. At the end of a long day, we knew that we had each other to turn to. And that’s a big, big emotional tie that was severed only 3 weeks ago.

I would love to pretend that I’m totally and completely over our relationship. Enough to actually maintain a healthy friendship. But I’m not. I still think about him a lot, I can’t listen to The Weeknd without thinking of him driving in his Camaro with me in the passenger seat, and I day dream about seeing him again all the time. And I have no idea what’s going on in his head, on his side.

Furthermore, I don’t even know what our new friendship would entail. Would we talk like every couple weeks or so? Because I know for a fact that we shouldn’t talk every day like we used to, because it would kind of defeat the purpose of breaking up. We can’t be each other’s “every day constant” anymore. Also, I feel like talking often would prevent the both of us from moving forward the way we should. I think feelings would always be there if we continued to be a presence in each other’s lives on a frequent basis.

Okay, knowing what I know now, next question. Will it harm us more than help us? (I injected myself in there too – got to take my own feelings and well-being into consideration as well!) I think that it would. On my part, I know for a fact that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder – it makes the heart heal, and forget. So if anything, “out of sight, out of mind” would be the more accurate phrase here. I want to know what he wants though. I want to know how he feels and what he would expect out of us being friends as well. I also don’t know if it would be fair for me to force us into silence just because I think it would be best for us both to move on and lose these feelings for one another.

We broke up. I have to accept that. That means we move on in every way, including in the feelings department. Neither of us will heal in the ways that we need to if we continue to harbour feelings for one another. Not to mention, it’ll make things unnecessarily and painfully complicated once we begin to start seeing other people.

It’s hard; no one likes to let go of deep love because being in love is fun and addictive and just about the biggest, warmest security blanket you will ever have in life. Moving on and losing feelings for someone you were once with DOES NOT MEAN that you loved them any less than you did when you were with them. It just means that you know the time has come to move on, move forward, and allow yourself to heal so that you can live your life fully without any self-imposed emotional limitations.

That was good stuff! Kudos to my inner wisdom and my heart for being able to converse with each other as civilly as possible, I’m proud.

Next question: What do I really want? What would be best for me? Okay me. Let’s do this in a way that Christine Arylo would be proud of. Close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and breathe deeply. See what answers come to your mind and your heart. Ready? Go!

Oh boy, that was interesting. I imagined we were friends again, and thought about what it would be like if he were to start messaging me again, and the feelings that would evoke. And what came to me was I feel like it would make me anxious. Why is that?

I think because there are definitely still some feelings left. Also because I wouldn’t know what to expect, or what our conversations would entail anymore. Also there would be this pressure to make sure I don’t bring anything up that could unintentionally hurt him. Not to mention, I would feel like I’m no longer in a position to ask him how he’s feeling, which means I would spend a lot of time wondering if he still resented me. I still care deeply, so that would probably result in me reading too much into what was said, or not said, if he were to read my messages and not reply.

Okay but, re-reading all of that now, I realize that I’m not giving myself enough credit. Like yeah, I care about him, but it’s only taken three weeks for me to grow and become a more confident and secure person. Why should I care if he reads my messages and doesn’t respond? That doesn’t mean anything. Furthermore, I care about him, but I can no longer take as deeply into consideration what he says to me and what it means. If we’re going to be friends, it comes with the realities and boundaries of being completely and totally broken up. If we talk, our conversations would have to be taken at face value, nothing more or less.

So ultimately, what do I want? Yes, I would like to be friends. Anyone would. Realistically? I’m not so sure if that’s possible right now. And, what would be best for me? Inner wisdom says: this silence is what’s best for you. And for him too. It’s the hard truth, but there it is. Seeing each other and having this conversation about knowing that we still need space from one another would just stir up the same feelings of breaking up. I even think that it might feel like we were breaking up all over again.

Isn’t it just best to maintain this silence, as now we’re getting used to it? In our last conversations, I said I needed a couple weeks. I also said he could pick up his sweater in a couple weeks as well. However, I didn’t specify a date, or a time. We left the exact date vague. In all honesty, I could probably continue to maintain this silence for quite some time to come. I don’t really know how that would make him feel – I guess maybe anger at first, or doubt. But would it help him in the long run? Maybe. What I could do, is not message until he decides he wants to message me. Maybe he won’t ever, because he thinks I don’t want to hear from him or that I’m not ready. I’m not really sure.

Alright. I believe I’ve finally arrived at my final decision, at least for the present moment. I won’t be messaging him today. Actually, I don’t think I should message him at all this entire week, or even next week for that matter. I think that I should see how I feel on the month mark of our breakup, February 3rd. Maybe I can give him his sweater, and I can ask him then how he would feel about a continued silence, possibly for both our sakes.

I just checked with my gut feeling right now, and it’s saying that this is the right thing. That’s why I was so hesitant about messaging him in the first place! Because a part of me knew that any time this week would have still been too soon. In all honesty, I think I chose this week because the me two weeks ago wanted to see him and hear his voice as soon as I possibly could within a reasonable time frame. I’m really proud of myself for taking the time to sort out my own needs and figure out my feelings. Really though, I feel like the growth has been constant and consistent for the entirety of this year so far, and that’s an incredible feat.

This was such a great log!!!! Day 22, good stuff. Anyways, now that that’s all sorted out and done with! What am I looking forward to this week? I have another session with my counselor on the 26th, which is this Thursday! We’re going to be talking about the whole cheating incident, which furthers my thinking that holding off on messaging him until next month is definitely the best thing to do. I’ll be exploring my feelings about that incident on a deeper basis, and that’ll be easier to do without him in my life at the moment.

I’m looking forward to a great week! As a new week begins, I would just like to end off this log by saying to myself: I am so, so incredibly proud of you. You are getting through your every day with the strength, confidence, contentment, and happiness you have always deserved. Everything that is meant for you will find you, no matter what it may be, know that always.

On behalf of me, thank you for finally taking your own hand, guiding yourself along, and loving yourself as deeply as you were meant to be loved. Your future self, and whoever else ends up becoming a part of your future, will thank you for choosing you. As you are so much happier now, your happiness will only multiply tenfold in the awareness you have gained in these past weeks. I love you. And have a great night.

Love,

Me.

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