Day 28 – January 28th, 2017

Hello! I am back home after an amazingly fantastic day! I don’t even know where to begin because there’s this really exciting thing that I want to get to right away, but I’ll just go chronologically from yesterday. I’ll also keep it rather brief, because it’s already almost the end of this day and I can already hear my bed calling my name in that seductive way it does.

So yesterday, Leila and I had an amazing dinner together! I had delicious butternut squash-stuffed ravioli, and we split a pitcher of sangria and dessert afterwards. We had so much fun just talking and catching up. Afterwards, we went back to her place and drank basically a bottle and a half of red wine while watching Harry Potter. It was so nice just to relax and unwind (especially with all the wine, LOL).

Then this morning, we went and had pho together for brunch, and then I did a mock makeup tutorial video as she watched how I went about my makeup routine. All in all, it was a fantastic start to my weekend! I love spending time with her and I’m definitely going to go back more often now that I know how easy it is to get to Scarborough.

Okay now, here’s the part that has me very… excited? Giggly? On the edge of my seat? Most likely all three? Yup. So on my way to work, a stray thought suddenly crossed my mind that I paid very little attention to: I knew that a lot of the demos were coming back today, so I vaguely wondered if I would be seeing Dylan. But then my vague thought voice countered back, “can’t be, because if he came in today, Luna would have definitely texted me about it, right?” So shrugging it off, I headed to work.

After settling into my shift, I threw my hair into a pony tail (it was really warm in the department), and headed out onto the floor to greet everyone else. When I finally got to Luna, she came over to me as casually as you please, and was like, “Dylan came by to visit today and he’s going to come back to see you because he was asking specifically if you were here. Take your hair out of your pony tail, by the way.”

I NEARLY PASSED OUT LOL. She’s so funny, I love her! I started running to the mirror to check out my makeup look today and fixing my hair. About an hour or so passed, and I was talking to Marilyn, and from the corner of my eye I could see him coming into the department with Luna and my body temperature immediately began to spike. When we made eye contact, I literally couldn’t help the super huge grin that spread on my face as I said hi, even though he was still at the other side of the department.

He made his way over to me and I hugged him hello, and wished him Happy New Year jokingly since I hadn’t seen him since last year. And then someone came over, and they started talking about hours and coordinating and stuff, so I kind of went off to the side until they finished talking. I could see Luna fuming from the corner of my eye and I was trying so hard not to laugh because I knew exactly why she was mad – it was because she wanted Dylan and I to talk and be on our own so badly, LOL. I LOVE HER. I could already see her trying to work out how exactly she could get that person’s attention away, but she didn’t really have to because they ended up walking away after a bit.

He and I talked really briefly about school, and then I asked him when he’d be in again and he said next weekend, to which I said I would see him then. And then, he gave me another hug (I was the only one he hugged this time hehehehehehehehehhee), and then he went off with his friend.

I had a really long conversation with my cousins about him. I explained how nice he is, like a genuinely good guy, and how I’m attracted to him. But, deep down I don’t know if I want anything to come of it. It’s not even the age difference really because a part of me knows that he’s quite mature for his age and appears to be an old soul, whereas I’m a young soul (LOL). It’s that, I promised me that I would focus on me and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that, in no shape or form.

My overthinking brain and heart is already preparing me for all kinds of possible outcomes and situations, but really I think I should just live in the present and go with the flow when it comes to this. That’s what my gut is telling me. Life has already taught me that I can’t plan anything – things happen as they’re meant to, and the minute that I truly accept that, is when the things that are truly meant to be can finally manifest. So, here’s to living in the moment and living life to the fullest, no pre-meditated plans and no expectations.

I’ll be seeing him next weekend because we’re both going to be working, so we’ll see how that goes! I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t excited, heh. This week is already looking like it’s going to be extremely promising, so I’m really looking forward to it.

One last thing before I go that kind of… scoured my heart, I want to say. I told one of my coworkers that I hadn’t seen in a while about my break up with Nick, and she started to cry and my heart broke a little. She was so invested in our relationship because she truly witnessed the happiness behind all my little stories about us; she always asked how we were doing, how he was doing, what our plans were, and she loved how much I loved him. It made me a little sad.

She understood that there would always be a little hole in my heart that no one else could ever really fill, and that he would always be a part of me. I think less and less about messaging him as these days fly by, but then a that little part of me that doesn’t want to lose him completely is worried about how he’s reacting to this silence.

Is it good for him? Is this what’s been best for us both? Is he healing, or is it making him resent me even more because he thinks I’m trying to forget him and leave him behind? I obviously still care about him, but I don’t know how to check in with him anymore to find these things about without crossing some serious emotional boundaries.

I don’t want to slip into denial about my feelings or how serious our relationship was just because it’s so much easier to pretend like it wasn’t so deep and meaningful. It was three whole years of my life. It would be such a deep disrespect to our relationship if I thought of it any other way. I loved him. I truly did. I am healing, and I am happy that I am healing. While I would love to be friends again, I do need to think about what’s best for myself and that healing that I’m currently going through now.

Do I trust myself enough emotionally to bring him back into my life? Leila thinks it’s a bad idea – that in order to truly move on, you need to cut that person out of your life completely. But I don’t know. That may be true to a certain extent, and yes I’m moving on. But I don’t want to lose our friendship either. Or rather what our friendship could become, if we were to try to salvage what’s left of it to build something new. I wonder if we respect each other enough to do so. Enough to be balls out honest with one another with no games and no hidden resentments. I shall see how I feel midweek.

As this week will make the three week mark of us not speaking, and this Friday will be the month mark of our break-up, I will do check-ins with my gut to see just how exactly I would like to proceed with this situation. What’s most important is that I listen to my inner wisdom, and truly get in touch with my emotional needs.

Anyways, I’ve gone onto Day 29 territory by a couple minutes now, so I think it’s time to bring this log to a close. Goodnight self! And sweet dreams ☺

Love,

Me.

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