Day 34 – February 3rd, 2017

Holy crap, I’m actually literally shaking right now. So, today is the month mark of Nick and I breaking up. And, I think I’ve finally figured something out. But, before I can talk about that realization, I need to back track and start from how I got to it first so that things make sense, LOL.

Okay so, all week, I was tentatively planning on messaging him with no real end goal in mind. I wasn’t planning on forcing myself, and I really wanted to go with my gut. Today ended up being the day. Basically, I messaged him as friendly as I could to start off. And the way he was messaging me back seemed rather curt and cold, which immediately made me want to go on the defense too, out of habit. And in all honesty, it actually made me kind of sad.

We just sounded so… unlike us. So courteous and polite. It made me sad because I finally realized – I so badly want for us to be friends. Not out of leftover feelings, not out of pining for our relationship, etc. But because, I genuinely did not want to lose him. I struggled so badly, asking everyone for their opinions on what I should do because I’ve never experienced this kind of situation before.

But only now I realized – no one is ever going to give me the answers I’m looking for because NO ONE is in my shoes but ME! I have to figure out what’s right for me, and right for the both of us. If I want to be friends, then that’s a process that’s going to be all our own, no matter what similar situation other people may have gone through.

I’m seeking answers from other people but really, I won’t ever find what I’m looking for. There’s no blueprint for this. As much as I like being prepared, I can’t be. I won’t be when it comes to this. I literally just have to wing it, trust myself, and hope for the best.

Anyways, by the end of the conversation, I was already rueing the way that it went down. So finally, I added, “I’m sorry if this was weird, I wanted it to be less weird.” And I was so glad that I did. He said that it was a process, to which I agreed. It is. I’m sure neither of us have ever experienced this before. And then, I asked him if he would be okay with us catching up on Monday, to which he said yes.

I’m really, really glad. I really want us to be friends, so badly. With every day that passes, the memory of my feelings dwindle lower and lower but the memory of our friendship still stays with me. And that’s all I want. I want him to be happy, see other people, and I want to be the kind of friend in his life that can encourage him to do so, if possible.

We’ll see how it goes. The next three days are going to be extremely interesting, that’s for sure.

Love,

Me.

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