Day 37 – February 6th, 2017

Hello there. So, things came and went. I can’t believe I spent almost two days in agonizing anxiety over what seemed like a two second exchange. It went by so much more quickly than I thought it would.

He came straight to the door once he got to the house, so I welcomed him in. We stood there, glancing at each other for about a split second before I asked him if we could hug. We did, albeit awkwardly, and then we went up into the living room to sit. He looked good! He’s definitely been keeping up with his working out.

We sat down, and he immediately asked me what I wanted to talk about, which threw me off a little. So I asked him some basic questions, like how he’d been doing and what he had been up to. It took more detailed questions until he started telling me about what I missed in the past month.

He’s doing research at school! He started a couple weeks ago actually; strangely enough I haven’t seen him around. (But then again, I’m barely on campus as it is). He’s doing research on behavioural stuff for kids? I wish I could remember, but in all honesty, I was trying so hard to keep the conversation flowing that my attention wasn’t altogether there, I guess.

He’s starting his other internship in March though, so next month. The research program is almost like a co-op thing, so he’ll be also going to Scarborough for part of it as well. We talked about how I asked for a raise, my makeup gig, my dad finally getting his car, my travelling in two weeks.

I asked him about his family, and if the restaurant got POS systems, but he didn’t really elaborate as much as I hoped he would about those things. Either way, after that, there wasn’t much else that could be said and I didn’t really know what else to ask.

Sensing that, he asked me if that was it, and I said I supposed so. He immediately said he’d leave, and got up to pick up his jacket. I stayed seated, slightly shocked at how abruptly he was going and he asked me if I was going to walk him to the door, but good naturedly though. I laughed and said I was, but I was just wondering if there was anything else to say. There wasn’t, so I followed him down the stairs to the door. I hugged him goodbye again, and watched him leave, and that was that.

I was surprised at how easily I handled things, in all honesty. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would – actually, it didn’t really hurt at all. I was friendly, open, and tried my hardest to keep the conversation going smoothly and lightly, and I think I made things easier for him (I hope). There wasn’t any pain or anguish, no feelings came rushing back, I was just left with that old ache of nostalgia really. That’s about the extent of it.

Some time in my earlier logs, I told myself I was going to treat this little thing as an “emotional pH test”. I even compiled some questions to gather some results in order to come to a conclusion on how the whole “experiment” went.

Here are the questions: are we really and truly okay to be friends again? Are we better off just not talking and maybe keeping space from one another? Are the feelings still there, on my part, and possibly his? On a scale of 1 – 10, how difficult was it to see him again, to hear his voice and such? Was it awkward, or was it easy?

Okay so, question 1: are we really and truly okay to be friends again?

Well, on my end, I believe that the potential for friendship was definitely there. We talked really amicably, even laughed a little. He seemed pretty tense at the beginning, but by the end he seemed to be a little more relaxed. And I get it – this was the first time we’ve seen each other since the breakup. But, I’m thinking if we do end up running into each other at school, it won’t be as bad! I wouldn’t even mind hanging out a bit so he could tell me how the research was going.

But the problem is, I have no idea how he felt about everything. He messaged me afterwards saying it was a good talk, and that he was sorry if he made things more awkward. But I said that I thought things went pretty okay, and he agreed.

Question 2: Are we better off just not talking and maybe keeping space from one another?

No, I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to completely cut off contact with one another, I think he and I can learn to be friends. Obviously we’re not going to put active effort into maintaining a friendship because that would maybe defeat the purpose of our breakup, but I mean we’re also not going to run away from each other if we run into one another at school, is what I mean. We’re still maintaining our space in the meanwhile, so it seems.

Question 3: Are the feelings still there, on my part, and possibly his?

Okay me, be honest with yourself here. I mean, yeah, there’s some feelings I guess? Like not intense, crazy, heart-rending feelings – just the kind of feelings that I know will always be a part of me, but the kind I can learn to live with. Does that make sense? Loving him will always be a part of me, but I know now that I’m not longer actively engaged with those feelings or that part of my life anymore.

They’re always going to be there, but I can learn to live and continue my life – they’re not inhibiting me at all. I will always care about him, but now I can apply that care in a friendship sense and not a relationship sense. And on his part? If there were any, he played it off really well. He seemed very well held together, there wasn’t any lingering looks or our old chemistry – it was just mutual politeness and friendliness on both ends. So in all honesty, I have no idea.

Question 4: On a scale of 1 – 10, how difficult was it to see him again, to hear his voice and such?

Maybe 3? Or 2. On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m going to say it was a 2.6 difficulty to see him again and hear his voice. In all honesty, it really wasn’t that hard. I was genuinely happy to see him and to hear how he’s been doing. Of course I wish it could been less hurried and less awkward, but it went as well as I could have hoped for our first encounter.

And lastly, question 5: Was it awkward, or was it easy? Well, it was both really. It was definitely awkward at first, and quite so throughout, but it also got easier too. Our text conversation ended with me saying that his research program would be really good for him, and he thanked me, and that was that.

In conclusion: I think we have a pretty good chance of being friends, one day. I think we’re both under the impression that we’re definitely not going to talk as often as we did, and maybe under the impression that we’ll run into each other at school, but we’ll see. If we don’t talk or see each other for a while, maybe one day next month I’ll message him to ask him how the research and his new internship is going, just to check in, and hopefully he’ll be okay with that.

If we can’t be like, really good friends, I’d love to at least be the kind of friends who keep in touch with each other from time to time. While I’m being honest here though, my little heart of hearts is pretty sore. I’m not saying that seeing him hurt me, it really didn’t. But, I do miss the comfort of our relationship, and how good we had it. Seeing him merely brought the soreness back a little, because it’s been a while since I felt that little ache. It was bound to occur, there was no way I could get out of that exchange totally scot-free because my feelings for him were real and just three months ago, we were celebrating our three year anniversary together.

It’s obviously not going to be that easy. But at least, that’s out of the way now. I’m so very curious to know how he felt about our whole exchange in detail but of course, that’s not going to happen so I’m just going to have to live with that curiosity. I hope he’s okay though, and that it wasn’t too hard for him.

Anyways! That’s it. The sweater is gone now. Now, it’s just focusing on me and getting everything I needed to do over with so that I can move forward. I need to start saving money as soon as I can. I also need to relax a little bit, because I’m starting to feel that future-related stress and anxiety again and I already know that everything is going to be okay. I just need to trust in myself and believe in that.

Hawaii is in two weeks and I honest to god cannot wait to escape for a little while. I need out!!! I need out ASAP!!! LOL. I think I’ll start packing sometime this week, maybe Thursday.

That’s about it for today! It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

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