Day 52 – February 21st, 2017

Hi there! So I decided to leave my laptop behind as it was much to heavy to bring with me in my luggage, but that’s totally okay because I’m going to be typing my logs here. Also, I’m going to be time stamping these as well, just for further documentation and for the sake of clarity.

So right now, I’m thousands and thousands of miles up in the air on a plane, on my way to Vancouver so we can catch our connecting flight to Hawaii!!!! The clouds look so fluffy from up here. I love, love this tingling sense of adventure I can feel from my head to my toes, in the deepest parts of my being. I love getting away!

I brought another one of Christine Arylo’s books with me, “Choosing Me Before We”, which is about knowing and loving yourself, before committing to a relationship with someone else, which I think is literally the perfect book for me LOL. I’m already a few pages in, and she’s already made me feel as though I’m about to embark on another journey – one within myself. I’m excited; not only am I on a real, literal, physical journey to Hawaii, I’m also going on an emotional and mental journey as well. I know when I come home, I will be changed in more ways than one.

There was something I wanted to admit to myself, because she’s teaching me how vital it is to be completely and utterly honest with myself no matter how hard. This morning, I saw that Megan had liked both the pictures that Nick had posted to Instagram and immediately, my mind began reeling with images of them texting each other again, and him picking her up in his new Camaro, and what not.

And you know what? I’m human. It hurt. I don’t like her, especially after the divide she created in our relationship when it had only just begun.

Here’s where I say to myself: it’s okay to feel like this. I’m not a superhuman or completely devoid emotion – I’m me. I feel things, I loved someone very deeply, they hurt me and now it’s over. Christine told me that I can only control myself, and she’s right. I control my decisions, and I need to eventually learn how to exercise more control over my thoughts and emotions so that they do not control ME.

I told him I want him to be happy. I meant it. So, whatever that may entail, I have to accept and live with. Inevitably, it will no longer affect me the way it does now.

Well, that’s that! It feels good to be honest with myself, and to understand that feeling the way I did is not a personal flaw or insecurity. I accept myself for everything I am, depth of my emotions included. Ultimately, I know I made the right decision, no matter what may happens in regards to whatever relationship we have with each other now.

And now? I’m travelling to this absolutely beautiful place in the world, with nothing ahead of me but open sunny skies and soon, an ocean view. I look forward to everything I will experience on this trip, everything I will see, learn and feel.

Tomorrow, I’ll be writing my next log on Honolulu time because I will be in Hawaii! Until then,

Love always,

Me.

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