Day 58 – February 27th, 2017

Aloha!!! So today was yet another amazing day! There was also a lot of personal growth and realization to be had today, which I definitely need to make note of.

So, this morning we woke up and chilled for a little bit, trying to plan our day. It said it was going to rain today, but the day looked so nice, so we decided to head out to Diamond Head (the dead volcano) to go for our hike to the top.

The sun was out and the day was beautiful. It turned out to be the perfect day for our climb. As we hiked up and up, the view grew steadily more and more breath-taking. Again, Hawaii never fails to amaze me with its scenery – the lush greenery of the surrounding mountains and the way the blue of the ocean met the blue of the sky in perfect harmony could not be properly captured in my pictures, but I think I did my best.

The hike was such a rush! I felt so great, the endorphins were really whisking around in my system and I definitely got that full body work out. It was such a good feeling! I want to remember that feeling and make it my motivation to start being more consistent about working out when I get back. I think I need to incorporate more cardio into my routines because that’s what really got my heart pumping.

There were dark tunnels and winding staircases and rocky trails all the way up, making the hike a bit of an adventure in itself. And once we got to the top…

The 360 view was absolutely astounding. The crisp wind that was coming off of the sea was something I never want to forget. It felt as though we could reach out and touch the sky if we really wanted to. It was so, so beautiful.

We climbed over a little fence and sat on a flat rock surface that had no boundaries – everything was open and free. There, we let the view soak in. We even lied down to experience the way the sun looked in the sky. I closed my eyes and began to let my mind wander.

I imagined that I was speaking to the wind, the sun, and the “hand that writes all”, the way that Santiago did when he became one with the wind. I asked it to tell me what I needed to know. I talked to my heart and asked it the same question. And all of a sudden, the answer dawned on me, and in that exact moment, the wind began to blow a little stronger over me, as though to confirm my discovery.

Earlier this morning, I had a conversation with my mom that led to some severe stress and the increase of dread I feel in regards to going home. It was the same old song – you need to focus on school, what if you don’t graduate this year, etc.

This was my realization: I need to tell my parents, for once and for all, that I will NOT be graduating this year. In fact, I won’t be graduating at all for a while, at least 3/4 years.

I live in constant fear and anxiety, paralyzed by the idea that no matter what I choose to do, that I will disappoint them. But what about me?

What if, by forcing myself to finish school and getting a career I don’t even know I want, results in my own personal unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life? My parents will be happy, but I’m the one who will have to live the lie, live the life I never wanted for myself.

I have let my parents deep fears become my own. I have become so entrenched in this idea of a “timeline”, that I subconsciously believe that something is wrong with me – that I’ve fallen behind. But NONE of that is true!!!

I’m happy!!!! And I know, in my deepest self, in my heart of hearts, that whatever I end up choosing to do with my life, that I will be happy, successful and I will do well enough to continue living on the way that I want. I will always work hard, I will always do what I have to do, and my personal capacity and potential is limitless. I’m intelligent and a quick learner.

I don’t know what I want for my life because I’ve spent so much time trying to satisfy other people’s ideals and intentions for myself and my life. I’ve been fighting this internal battle for so long without realizing it, that I no longer know what I want. But I WILL. Because now, I know I need to extricate myself from the grips of societal expectations, and also, my parents.

I love them, I really do. I’m thankful for everything they’ve done for me, all the hard work they’ve done to put me through school, and I will always be grateful. I will always respect them, cherish them, and hold them close to my heart. But, I can’t live like this anymore. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I have to do it for ME and on MY own terms. No matter how long it takes.

I’m scared, because nothing worth doing is easy, and the hardest things to do are usually the things you need to do the most. But I’ve been so brave this year – I’ve done some things that required quite a bit of courage. I ended my three year relationship. I asked for a raise. I threw caution to the wind and booked a spontaneous trip to Hawaii. And here I am now. Exactly where I was meant to be.

So, when I get back, the first thing I will do is tell my parents everything. I will be honest. I’ll let them yell or cry or be disappointed or react however which way they want to, and I will do my best to maintain my patience, but this is something that needs to be done. I need to do it for myself. For my own sanity, happiness, and well-being.

As I was explaining this realization to Luna and Lana, the omen of all omens appeared – whales, breaking through the surface of the ocean to get a breath of fresh air. It was so incredible beautiful, a moment in which you had to hold your breath.

Apparently, seeing whales is good luck, but also a sign that you need to “analyze your emotions, the decisions that brought you to where you are, and what you can do to alleviate the unrest in your life so that you can find peace”.

To me, the whales breaking through to the surface was symbolic of my own breakthrough – after being submerged for so long under fear and pressure and anxiety, my realization at the top of that dead volcano was my own version of breaking through the surface in order to finally breathe.

I need to remember this. I need to remember, that like a whale, there will be times that I need to come up for air in order to breathe and in order to keep moving forward.

Now that I know that there’s so much more to life, I can no longer settle for the life I once knew – the one where I let my fears run rampant, driven by the everyday pressure coming at me from all angles. I will not allow myself to live that way any longer. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be happy.

I am so small in this big huge world. There is so much to see, so much life to be lived. There is nothing like travelling in this life – experiencing the many wonders and adventures that the world has to offer, like the feeling of making it to the top of a dead volcano, the enchanting magic of diving into a world full of multi-coloured fish, the quiet hush of a memorialized sunken ship.. there’s just so much out there. How can I live my life in fear when there’s so much to be seen and heard and learnt and experienced? I only have this one life!!! I need to do everything that I can while it’s mine. 

I am so thankful for everything I have experienced on this trip. This was a lovely pathway on my larger journey of life, paved with beauty, adventure and growth, every step of the way.

We spent the rest of our day eating delicious burgers, and now we’re back home, lying in bed and getting ready to settle into yet another peaceful sleep.

Tomorrow will be our last full day here because we’ll be leaving on Wednesday night. (Tomorrow is Tuesday.) I know we’re aiming to go on a catamaran cruise, but we’ll have to see about the weather first. Apparently there was a flash flood warning? We’ll see how things go though.

I think I’ll head to sleep now! Yet another amazing day indeed. I can’t believe how lucky we’ve been. But now, I really believe that coincidences don’t exist – that everything happens as it’s meant to. “Maktub”, right? It is written.

Love,

Me.

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