Home sweet home! It’s currently 1:47 AM on Friday morning, and I got home today (technically yesterday, Thursday) around five or so in the afternoon. And guess what? I did it. I DID IT. I told my mom that I’m not graduating this year.
I think I had such terrible expectations for the whole ordeal that it actually ended up being a lot less terrible than I thought it’d go. My mom just wanted, more than anything, for me to be honest and communicative with her. She hated more than anything, not knowing what was going on with me. And I told her that I understood that her fear was coming from a place of deep love, but that I couldn’t live with that level of stress and anxiety anymore. I assured her that I would end up being okay, that I would do what I needed to do, but I needed to do it on my OWN terms – especially because I would be the one who would have to live with my decisions afterwards, depending on whatever career I ended up going into.
I asked her not to take it personally and to never, ever feel like a failure for a mother – she’s done so, so much for both me and my sister and I will never be able to repay her. I respect her and I will always spend the rest of my entire life in complete gratitude towards her. But, if she perceives herself as failure, then in turn I began to perceive MYSELF as a failure. I in turn know now that I can no longer do that to myself, but I really hope she won’t do that to herself as well.
I told her I don’t want to live myself according to some timeline any longer because it was driving me crazy. Better yet, I said all of this in a completely calm, cool and collected manner. I did not get defensive, or upset, or angry. I am so, so proud of myself.
Everything I’ve set my mind to so far for this year, I have achieved for myself. And, it’s only been two full months that have passed of this year. I’ve ended my three year relationship in order to love myself more healthily and more wholly, I finished my petition letter, I asked for a raise, I began to prove myself more at my job, I travelled and saw a little of the world and awakened my inner sense of wanderlust, and now, I’ve finally done something that I’ve been putting off for years – I was finally honest with my mom about school.
Although the most difficult part is over with now, it’s not going to easy. Once the educational aspect of my life is fully back on track, the train that is my life will finally be on that path that I want it to be, after all this time. I can’t wait! But already, my inner happiness is radiating out of me in waves. I’m so happy and so proud of myself. I’ve done so much for myself in the span of two months, than I have over the course of these past six years.
I think my sleepiness is beginning to kick in now, but one last thing before I go. March 3rd (which again, was technically yesterday), was the two month mark of me and Nick’s break up. I was re-reading some of my prior logs, the ones from the beginning, and the difference of then from now is… astounding. I rarely talk about, think about or have any sort of feelings towards him at all. After our coffee get together, it was as though something in my heart healed in the best way possible.
He’s still in my system, but he’s slowly and surely working his way out of it. The same way I’m sure I’m working my way out of his, which is good. I still know, to this day, that breaking up was hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself, in my life.
Anyways, we’ll see how things go. I now think less and less about finding our way back to one another – I feel like that thought was more so a subtle safety blanket that unconsciously protected me from ever truly ending up “alone” in the future. But now? I love my own company. I love the idea of being “alone”. I would LOVE to live by myself.
So, now the thought of us ending up together one day down the road is becoming more and more of a distant idea. I settled for so much in our relationship – I settled for the cheating in order to work on our relationship, I settled for the lack of affection that I craved, I settled for the poor excuse that was our communication. But now, I want more. And I know it exists. I don’t want to end up with him again. Not when I know I can have everything I want, because I deserve it and I owe it to myself to be limitlessly happy, and unconditionally loved. No more settling, me.
What a great log for my first day back on Canadian soil! Tomorrow, I get to see all my coworkers again, which I’m so excited for. Also, I bought a little baseball souvenir from Hawaii for Dylan, so I’m really looking forward to seeing him again so that I can give that too him, as a little thank you for lending me his copy of the Alchemist, which was a huge, huge aspect of my travels in Hawaii.
I’m just going to let that happen as it does! We’ll see how things unfold. I’m looking forward to it all. Until tomorrow,