Day 63 – March 4th, 2017

So it’s 1:12 AM on Saturday, March 4th. I was watching “He’s just not that into you”, which is why I’m writing this log, which was originally intended for the 3rd, which was technically yesterday. And, I have to wake up really early for work tomorrow (aka today) but I’m still jet-lagged, so I’m going to have to keep this log short.

It’s funny that I chose that movie. Earlier, I had been thinking that I need to chill out a bit, and then I ended up watching that movie, which kind of drove the point home. In the movie, one of the main characters was obsessed with dating and all the nuances that it entails.

I’m not saying I’m like that – I love myself way too much to compare myself to that kind of Hollywood drivel.

But, I must admit there are little alarm bells going off in my head. I’m a little worried for myself. Because, I just got out of a three year relationship, but here I am already crushing on someone new. Why is that? Is it really because of all the amazing qualities I know thus far about him? Or, am I looking for something outside of myself, in someone else?

I told myself I was going to give myself time before I decided to let anyone else into my life. And while I’m not saying that something’s going to happen with us, and though I promised myself I would go with the flow on this, I do find myself looking forward to seeing him again.

Am I incapable of being on my own? Am I that afraid of loneliness?

My gut is telling me… no. I don’t need Dylan, but I do like what I know about him so far. Actually, I don’t really need anyone – I’m perfectly happy and capable of being on my own. I can take care of myself just fine, and I’ve been generating my own natural happiness in the past two months, with or without him being involved.

In which that case, it really doesn’t matter what happens with him. I care about the idea of it because he’s a genuinely good guy and very attractive, but I don’t need him to be happy because I have me.

Okay, phew. That’s good to know. I was getting a little scared there. Like I know I crush hard, but I never want to “need” anyone ever again, because I know that all I really need is me. I can make me happy just fine, all on my own.

It’s good to put things into perspective sometimes. I tend to get lost in my feelings and thoughts very easily. But you know, I liked the way things were, and are, going. We don’t see each other often. We talk when he works, which is like once or twice a month. I have things going on in my life that demand my attention, take up my efforts, and I’ve been so productive on the “reinventing and loving me” project. Crushes are fun, but I have the tendency to let them consume me because of how fun they are. I enjoy the thrill, the “will he or won’t he”, the rush and the chase.

As long as I make a conscious and continuous effort to make myself and my own well-being a priority, then I don’t see what’s wrong with letting this pan out as it could, or will. I just can’t actively pursue or put effort into it. Okay well, not a lot of effort I mean. Because I’m my own priority right now. I made my relationship with Nick a priority over both myself and my education, which is a big part of the reason I had to end it. So that I could focus on me again.

So just, be cautious. Don’t get caught up or swept away in the thrill of it all. Feelings are very real, very potent, and not to be messed around with. This guy, an all-around amazing guy, doesn’t deserve a half-effort kind of relationship. Like me, he’s someone who deserves it all. I’m not where I need to be to give it my all, not yet. And I don’t think he is either. So just, let things go as they do. Love yourself wholly first. Focus on you, on bettering yourself and getting where you need to go. The rest will fall into place as it’s meant to.

Thank god I write to myself, honestly. I get way too caught up in my own head and my heart, way too often.

Anyways, that’s that! I’m going to get some shut-eye, and starting tomorrow I’ll make more of a conscious effort stop replaying the same old memories over and over in my head just for the sake of feeling all warm and fuzzy. That feeling is way too addictive for a romance-junkie like me. Instead, I’ll try to live in the present moment, an effort that I’ve been trying to maintain since Hawaii. It’s been a challenge, but a rewarding process too.

Last thing before I go! That moment in The Alchemist that hit me so hard, the moment that filled my heart with so much hope that I cried, I’ve decided to get that as a tattoo. It was the moment where the crystal shop keeper told Santiago that he would not go back to his old life. And when Santiago shakenly asked the shopkeeper how he knew this, the shop keeper simply replied “maktub” – the Arabic word/phrase that loosely translates into “it is written”.

I have a personal legend too. I have a destiny, and even though I may not know that is right now, I have this hope in my heart that I can achieve it and live it, the way Santiago did. I just need to keep going on and never give up, even if my old life, a new and improved version of my old life, looks tempting. Because achieving your real purpose in life will never be easy – the best things in life are usually the hardest to come by. But, I believe that it is possible for me. I believe that I will end up exactly where I am meant to. Because, “it is written”. Everywhere I go, everything I do has a meaning, has a reason. I was meant to end up in Hawaii, meant to read that book. I’m finally ready and willing to listen to the world around me, to really hear the universal language of the world. I want to know what I am destined for. I don’t want to settle for anything less. And so, I want “maktub” to be a part of me, to remind me constantly, when I am tempted to give up, when I am tempted to settle, that my destiny is written… I just have to find it, and really give myself over to achieving it, in everything I do.

I’m so happy. There’s so much good that’s occurring so far this year, so much growth and learning. And, it’s all coming from my decision to love myself, really love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I never want to go back to what I once knew. Not now, not when I know how good life can be when you truly care for and love yourself.

Alright, this log turned out longer than I expected! Off to bed with me. I’ll write tomorrow (later today), when I get back from work.

Until then! Love, love, all ways and always,

Me.

*

Hello! It’s been a long day of work, and my jet lag is really starting to catch up with me. I’m feeling a little agitated! I wonder if it’s because I’m just grumpy from lack of sleep? I should probably get some rest. But before I do that, I’ll just write about how my day went because it was pretty good!

I had a great shift with my coworkers today, and I got to see almost everyone I missed yesterday. And, Sera came in!! It was so nice talking with her and catching up. I think the extent to which I respect her scares even ME a little.

I should just be myself! Which is what I’m doing, but I mean the part where I worry whether or not she likes me – if I’m going to really earn her respect, then I need to let that part of me go. I can’t seek approval. I just need to be myself, no apologies or trying to hide anything. I really like talking with her, and I’m an adult.

She’s taught me a lot. She’s really brought awareness to my life in the form of the books she’s recommended to me, and I’ll never really be able to repay her, and that’s okay. As long as she knows, that’s all that really matters. I love how much I’ve learnt from her thus far, and I aspire to be as sound in myself as she is.

She caught me up a little on how Dylan is doing – he’s going through with the tournament next month, and she’s a little worried for him, but she knows it’s what’s best for him since she knows how passionate about it he really is. She really wants him to travel, and she even said that she’s finally okay with him taking a year off to go train in Thailand if that’s what he really wants to do, because she could never imagine stopping him from doing the things that his heart is set on.

She’s such a great mom, honestly. I told her that I wish she were my mom, LOL. Oh, and I told her about how much The Alchemist really meant to me, and I got a little emotional and she gave me a big hug. I even told her about how I’m going to be getting the tattoo, and she liked the idea.

When I like people, I really, really like them. I get like, heavily invested. I wish I knew how to be more chill, but at the same time, this is just how I am. I care very deeply, always, I can’t change that about myself and I don’t think I really want to.

I feel a little better now. I always worry so much about what people think of me, I really do. But eventually, I’ll figure out how to change that about myself. One day, I’ll be able to separate how deeply I care about people from how deeply I care about what they think of me. Because in the end, it doesn’t really matter whether or not people like me – all that matters is how I feel about myself. If I’m happy with me, and who I am as a person, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, at all.

I’m so proud of myself for everything I’ve learnt so far this year. I still have ways to go, but you know, for this short time span, I’ve come pretty far.

I mentioned in my logs from Hawaii about how I had a tarot reading done for the first time ever, and how much of an amazing experience it was. To give some context to what I’m about to say now, let me just mention that at one point, Antonio pulled out the “devil” card, and warned me that there was someone from my past that I needed to watch out for, someone who would try to make a reappearance.

And, just right now… Don just messaged me!!! What on earth. I mean, I expected the reappearance, but not so soon… makes me wonder just exactly how accurate he was about the rest of his predictions for me. Like, “the man of justice” in my future…

The world is a very, very interesting place.

Alright, with that, I head to bed!

Love,

Me.

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