Day 64 – March 5th, 2017

Hello! What a great Sunday it’s been! Okay, let me start from the beginning, briefly: I worked out, went to go meet up with my best friends for a quick dinner in downtown and… spontaneously got my “maktub” tattoo on the way home!!!

As I was passing by on the bus, I noticed it was open, but my bus had already passed by the stop that I would have had to get off on. But by some “coincidence” (or maybe, “it was written”), someone had to get off at the stop directly after. So, without even stopping to think, I immediately leapt off the bus and ran back to the tattoo parlour. I withdrew some cash at the convenient store nearby, and then made my way inside.

The girl who helped us last time said they were still open and taking walk-ins (it was meant to be!). We got the size and placement down right (about an inch and a half tall, three inches wide, and on my right rib cage in the empty spot that I’ve been waiting to fill with something without even knowing I was).

Honestly, it didn’t hurt as much as I recalled it to hurt. I just let myself be taken over by it, thought about Hawaii, and the book, and let myself get consumed by my surroundings. She said I took it like a champ, and that she herself would never, ever subject herself to getting a tattoo in that area. I’m so proud of me, hehe. This was the sixth tattoo, (favourite number!), and the first one I’ve ever gotten done all on my own.

My rib cages are now complete, I feel. My tattoos wrap almost all the way around my torso, close to me and close to my heart. I love how each and every one of them hold so much meaning to me.

I honestly love how spontaneous I am. Granted, I need to work a little bit more on my level of responsibility, but I believe in what Antonio the tarot card man said to me – that money would always come to me. Money doesn’t hold a ton of value to me, it’s what I can do with it that counts. And although it will never be a problem for me, I should still learn to save. And I will! After this upcoming paycheque, I’m putting a tight lid on my money. I’m bringing lunch to work, and being much more financially responsible. I’m an adult now.

This was just my last hurrah of the spontaneity of my trip. As this Sunday draws to a close, it brings with it the dawning realization that I have a lot to do this week.

This is the happiest I’ve been in so, so long. I haven’t had this sense of purpose in me for as long as I can remember. It feels good to have it now. Not bad for 24!!! I’m still pretty young! And for the first time in what feels like forever, I am actually more content with where I am in life.

I met Svetlana today, Chloe’s really close friend. And she mentioned how she had gotten into her Master’s program today, how she’s going to be getting married soon, and how she would like to have kids within the next three years. She’s 22, and everything’s all mapped out for her. And for the first time ever, rather than feeling panic rise up in my throat, I simply felt happy for her.

Because, for the first time ever, that “timeline” idea is becoming less and less scary to me. Before, it was this roaring monster, threatening me and looming close behind me whispering ideas of “failure” and “you’ve fallen behind” into my ears. Now? I’m running free, far away from it, far enough that its whispers are becoming more and more faint with every day that passes.

I still have anxiety. I feel it inside me, and although it may not have a purpose or trigger, it still lies in wait in the pit of my stomach, rearing up when I least expect it. I have an appointment with my counselor this week, so I’m going to see if there’s something I can do to make that little monster go away. I don’t want to live with it any more.

There’s something that’s been on the back of my mind that I want to bring to the forefront before I end this log.

A while ago, I had this really strong urge to remain friends with Nick. I wanted to stay in contact every so often, maybe catch up once in a while, just so we could keep up with what’s happening in each other’s lives.

Before I went to Hawaii, I thought maybe when I got back I would message him and ask him if he wanted to meet up for coffee again so I could hear about how his internship was going. But now? I’m not so sure. So what changed exactly?

The thought of messaging him makes me nervous. If I really am like “Don” in this situation – the controlling, manipulative girlfriend, and Nick is like me, then I don’t think he’d really want to hear from me. Because, I don’t like it when Don messages me – in fact, I find it a bit of a nuisance. Actually no, I don’t really care so much anymore.

I entertain the conversation out of politeness, but in all honesty, I have this feeling that Don has some ulterior motive to these “friendly little chats”, and I’m waiting for it to come up so that I can finally and possibly shut the motive down for good. And not even in a vindictive way – if he really is harbouring some kind of secret hope for the future the way I think he is, then I want him to let go of it, because it’s just not going to happen. I’ll always appreciate everything our relationship taught me, but I will never, ever be able to go back to that part of my life. There is no future for us. He deserves to be happy with someone else and move on, for good.

Back to Nick – the thought of messaging him actually makes me a little scared. I don’t want to annoy him, or bother him, or dredge up old feelings if he’s doing well for himself with me out of sight and out of mind. I just want him to be happy, without me. I don’t really know what that entails, but I’m sure he’s figuring that out for himself. I don’t want to be his “Don”.

I’ll just let him contact me, as he sees fit. We’ll see how things go. I really do want us to be friends, but I think we’re both still in the process of healing, I’m sure, seeing as it’s only been a little over two months since everything ended. I hope he’s doing really well though! And meeting new people, and making new friends, and enjoying life. Despite everything that’s happened between us, he deserves that.

The level of self-love in my life is consistently blooming with every day that passes, and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally chosen to really put an effort into falling in love with me, and I’m really getting there. I love me, and I can’t wait for the day that I realize, “hey… I’m so in love with me.” But so far, so good. I just got to get rid of the “mean girl” in my head, (she’s getting quieter and quieter by the day though), work on vanquishing my anxiety monster by keeping up with my counselling sessions, and actively put effort into being aware of myself, in everything I do and everything I say. No more monotony, no more being on “autopilot”. I want to be alive and aware in every moment of every day, and I intend to move upwards into it, as far as I can go.

I also need to practice and understand that my opinions of other people and their situations, even if they’re coming from a place of similar experience and utmost sincerity, hold no validity whatsoever. I can offer people my insights, but really I am my own person with my own experiences and I cannot tell people what to do or how to live their life. To each their own. That’s something I’ve learnt recently and I would like to maintain this knowledge in the ways that I converse with people. I want to be more careful in the way I speak to others.

Okay, that’s about it for today! I got a busy week full of school and work ahead of me. I’ve also got some friend dates coming up too, so I’m looking forward to that! I’m hanging out with Chloe on Tuesday, and then sleeping over at Leila’s on Friday.

I love how busy I am! It’ll make things pass by fast. And while I hate how quickly time passes for the most part, the only reason I’m looking forward to this week passing is because of how excited I am for next Friday, St. Patrick’s Day.

I wonder what’s going to happen! No expectations though. We’ll see how things go!

I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift! Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

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