Yet another extraordinary day!
Today, I finally stood up for myself in a way that my 19 year old self could never do.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I mentioned before it one of my prior logs, that the “devil” made his reappearance – Don has been texting me lately and it’s been on-going for days. When I vented to my cousins, one of them finally questioned why I put up with it if it made me so uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I just straight up tell him to stop?
It was through her honest and thought-provoking questions that made me realize, once again I was putting myself second instead of first. I was sacrificing my own wants and comfort, for the sake of entertaining a conversation with someone who no longer has any place in my life, all so I could be “polite” and “nice”. And you know what? He knew it full well, and was definitely taking advantage of it.
And so, with the encouragement of my cousins, I mustered up my most savage alter ego and typed up a little message about how we haven’t spoken in years and how our old memories have no more meaning to me, and that I didn’t see any point to “catching up” anymore as a result. I wished him all the best, and told him to take care, and left it at that.
And, in true form, he wrote back a reply about how he didn’t “expect me to get so upset” and he “apologized” (LOL) for trying to bury “old bad blood”. His attempt at trying to get me to reply was transparent, and honestly, rather pathetic. It showed me that he really hasn’t changed, and that he probably never will.
I, on the other hand, feel AMAZING. I was actually kind of shocked at myself at first, but then the feeling of really and genuinely not caring finally sunk in and it’s one of the best feelings (or more accurately, lack of feeling) I’ve ever experienced.
I said everything I needed to say, very simply and straightforwardly but firm as well, and in true fashion to myself, I ended it off on a good note and still wished him well. I am so, so proud of myself. And so thankful! To the people in my life who inspire me to practice self-love in everything I do! I didn’t even realize I had been putting myself second by putting up with the here and there conversations.
I think he finally got the message this time. I no longer have to worry (not that I ever really did though), about him messaging me ever again. He can try to play it off as though he was just trying to catch up, but I know he messaged every year for the past 3 years without fail because he was trying to stay relevant, possibly out of some hope for a possible future. Or, maybe he just genuinely wanted to stay friends.
The only problem with that is, after everything we’d been through, being friends with him is just something I never really wanted. I couldn’t stay friends with someone who manipulated me, made me feel smaller than I really was, tried to control me and almost every aspect of my life, even if it did come out a place of deep fear or deep care. I just couldn’t do myself that kind of disservice.
Well, that’s that! Again, so proud of myself. I really and truly am.
Anyways, today amongst all the hay-day, I spent my day with Chloe and we had a lot of fun. We’re both on our journey to new found self-love, so I think we’ll be teaching each other a lot on the way to our new destination.
That’s about it! I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift. Wow, what a whirl wind this life is. I’m so happy, so content, and so excited about what’s to come.
Love, love, love, love and I’m so proud of me,