Day 68 – March 9th, 2017

I’m going to attempt to make this a quick log, but I have a little bit of stuff circulating around in my brain that I’d like to address so let’s see how this goes. First, my day!

I had work this morning and it was a lot of fun because nearly everyone was in and we were having a good time talking and what not. Sera came in again today, and she came right over to me to tell me that she “heard” I got my tattoo, and that Dylan talked to her about it! I showed her the tattoo, and she laughed over how it happened because of my “omens”, LOL.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I seriously love, love how Dylan talks about me to Sera. I wonder what they say about me!! She used to divulge this information before, but now she’s much more secretive. I think it’s because she knows things, things like how I’m starting to feel about him too, and now she’s letting things play out as they will.

I remember when she used to be our little low key cupid – when everything first started, when I first met him, I remember telling her that he was extremely good looking, and then later that day, she told me that he thought I was “incredibly beautiful” too. I think that was about a year ago when he first started working? And then, she would tell me stuff like how he didn’t want to settle down until he found a girl like me, how he would talk about me at home so much that she was getting  tired of hearing about me (jokingly), and stuff like that.

I wish I could go back to those moments so I could really implement those things into my memory more.

The rest of the day went well, when I came home I made Olivia and my mom watch Lion with me (Sera’s recommendation, and surprisingly Avery’s as well). All in all, it was a pretty good day!

Here’s my concern though. When I’m busy, be it at my job or conversing with other people, or doing menial tasks, my brain is good, distracted and engaged. But when I’m alone, like this, or on the bus going home, or getting lost in my thoughts, they always lead me back to one person, and I’ll let you take a wild guess as to who that is.

If you guessed the most perfect guy I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting who goes by the name of Dylan, then you would be 110% correct. Which therein kind of freaks me out a little.

It has nothing to do with him, mostly. Well I mean, yes I am a little paranoid about how “amazing” he comes across. It’s just, how is it possible that someone like him exists?! Someone who’s mature, wise beyond their years, but also playful and funny, reads for pleasure (SO RARE LIKE WHAT), is a great conversationalist, super intelligent and intellectual, a genuinely good person, kind, compassionate, slightly rough around the edges in all the best ways, confident, ambitious, deeply respectful of his mom and his family, AND ridiculously good looking. HOW?! It just doesn’t compute to me.

I know my little brain likes to start panicking the moment that things get too good, because we’re used to things being good and all of a sudden turning bad. So yes, my guard is a little up, after everything I’ve been through. BUT THEN.

On the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about him. I daydream about cute little scenarios like, what IF there were hockey tickets available and we had gone to see a game together? How cute would that of been? Or like, I imagine our future conversations and practise them in my head. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE *”How Far I’ll Go” tune*

I’m not obsessed, I swear, I promise. But what is it about me that I can’t be single for two months without falling for someone new? But then, is it not me per se? Is it just that I happened to meet/get to know him at this time in my life? Because, I honestly feel like I AM growing as a person, and I’ve made so much progress as to how much I love myself now. I’m not who I was a week, month, and especially a year ago. I’m different. I’m happier, stronger, standing up for myself more.

I think it’s just that, after two failed long term relationships, I feel like I’ve met someone unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. And while I was more cautious initially, whatever bounds that were holding back my feelings before have somehow finally managed to break. Possibly because of our super long conversations where we could talk and talk endlessly, despite the fact we were supposed to be working. It could also be in the way he looks at me, the way that makes me wish he’d never stop. Sigh.

I’m scared because… okay, multiple reasons. I’m scared because I’ve been in two three-year long relationships that have sort of kind of been failures. Okay no, I take that back. They weren’t “failures” – they were lessons. Both of them. Polar opposites. I regret neither of them. What I mean is, they partially became what they were because of me – I let someone control and manipulate me because I thought I was in love and that’s how relationships worked, and then I ended up so insecure about myself in the second that I turned into the person I dated previously, however unintentionally.

I have learnt so much and come so far, but… what if I’m doomed at relationships? If that’s possible? I love so, so hard. I care so deeply. I’m scared of the depth of my own feelings because I’m scared about the things they make me think and the things that I do. I don’t ever want to be the person I was in either of the relationships I was in.

I think I’m scared that entering another relationship will magically revert me into some form of the person I used to be, but… how can that be true? Haven’t I learned? How could I repeat my mistakes after everything I’ve been through?

I’ve learnt that I have to love myself before I love anyone else. I’ve learnt that if I’m searching for something in someone else that I feel like I lack in myself, it means that I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve learnt that I have nothing to be insecure about because I am a good person, beautiful and smart with a huge, huge heart, and that anyone would be lucky to be with me and I KNOW that. I finally believe in that. I’ve learnt that I have to let my future partner be my PARTNER, not my PERSON. We have to be equal, on par in our maturity, emotional capacity, expectations and goals. I’ve learnt that I must encourage my partner to pursue their goals, dreams, and passions at any cost, because those are the things that will bring true happiness to them and consequently bring happiness to our relationship. I have learnt that I will not apologize or be ashamed of ANY of the aspects that make me, me. I’ve learnt to finally embrace all of my self-perceived “flaws”, and instead of viewing them as flaws, I now see them as merely aspects of who I am that I love.

I’ve learnt that if my partner is controlling, emotionally manipulative and borderline mentally/emotionally abusive, I WILL stand up for myself and leave that partnership as soon as I humanly can. I’ve learnt that I do not need to be polite or courteous to people who take advantage of my kindness. I’ve learnt to stop caring so deeply about people/things that do not deserve my level of care. I’ve learnt that “where are you going, what are you doing, who are you with, what are you wearing, what time will you be back”, are NOT questions borne from a place of love – they’re borne out of deep emotional insecurity and codependence.

I’ve learnt that if my partner cheats on me, it has NOTHING to do with who I am as a person and it has EVERYTHING to do with how they see/feel about themselves. I’ve learnt that I deserve so much more than to settle for a relationship for the sake of saving the relationship. I’ve learnt that I deserve affection, and I am not needy or clingy for seeking it. I’ve learnt that I deserve to be told “I love you” a lot more than once every couple months. I’ve learnt that I needed to work on my own personal insecurities, and so I have. I’ve learnt that no relationship is EVER going to be perfect – but as long as you’re with someone who loves themselves as deeply as you love you, you will find a way to make it work because you truly enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve learnt to put “me” before “we”. I’ve learnt that no man is worth my emotional stability, sanity, tears, happiness, or heart break. I’ve learnt how to create my own happiness within myself, so that I will never, ever have to base it off of how someone else makes me feel.

I’ve learnt so much. So much more even, than what I’ve written here. I’m not saying that I’m some kind of relationship expert now, after everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve learnt. But, maybe I was meant to go through these relationships in preparation for the one that would truly last. I’ve always said I don’t believe in divorce – I want my life partner to be my partner for life, til’ death do we part.

I am lucky to experienced and learn all that I have in my 24 years of living. Some people don’t come across these realizations until way later into their lives, or when it may be too late.

It wasn’t Dylan that I was so scared of – it was me. It was the idea that I might get into another relationship, possibly with someone as amazing as Dylan is, and that I might be the one to screw things up. But now I know I won’t. I couldn’t. Not after everything I’ve learnt.

I’m not saying my next relationship is going to be amazing and perfect – no relationship is. I am saying that I will be well-equipped for whatever happens next, but still open and willing to learn more as I go, especially about myself. My self-growth and self-love will not end or diminish if/when I enter a new relationship. If that relationship is with the right person, then that growth and self-love will only continue to flourish, as it should. I will know. I will know if it’s right or wrong now, because I’m finally listening to myself.

I am so fucking happy that I write to myself now, LOL. Honestly. It’s such a good feeling to get all the thoughts in my head straightened out.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Dylan. He’s really such a good guy. I like him a lot. And now, I’m no longer afraid that I will lose myself because I know now that at this point in my life, I know myself better than I have in a very, very long time. But, that’s me. I don’t know his total past, his relationship history, his view points on relationships, or even how he truly feels about himself. He’s a great guy, and it’s been so fun getting to know him, but there’s still ways to go. I need to be very careful about my tendency to fall for the “potential” of a relationship rather than the person themselves. I love to lose my head in the clouds, and it happens quite quickly, but now I need to have my feet on the solid ground that is reality, as well.

So much for short log eh! LOL. But, kudos to the self-reflection and continuous growth that I am experiencing.

I think I’ll head to bed now! Until tomorrow then! I love me, I really do. I’m so, so proud of me.

Love,

Me.

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