Okay so, it’s technically actually March 13th, but I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge watching Vampire Diaries, so, here I am. Even though I’m technically going to have to wake up in about 4 and a half hours to get ready for Monday… LOL.
I have a lot to look forward to this week. But also, I’ve been doing that thing where I’m living in a bubble full of the things I like rather than the things I should be dealing with.
I just wanted to point that out to myself now. I know that the main point of this week is fun and frivolity, but reality is going to always be there and I need to keep that in mind.
Anyways, today was a good day! I had work with some of my favourite coworkers, but I realized something today. I get a lot of anxiety being there. Like I internalize the energy and the vibes I encounter there and bring it home with me and I don’t like it. I need to start working on a proper defense mechanism in order to protect myself from the emotional shrapnel of that place so I don’t become a casualty. Like, talking less and to less people about my personal matters. I really don’t like how easily things get around in that department and I’d do myself a favour by keeping my mouth shut about things. Not everyone has to know about what’s going on in my life.
Also, being less trusting of those who don’t deserve it. Reserving my “benefit of the doubt” for people who show me they’re actually worth it. Stuff like that. I’ll try to actively implement that in what I do this week and see how it goes. This is yet another thing I would like to be conscious and aware about.
This morning, before I started getting ready for work… I saw that Nick had dm’d me on Instagram. He was asking for my number because he’d gotten a new phone. I gave it to him, and then I had asked him if he had joined the iPhone team out of friendliness, but he read that and didn’t respond. Resigned, I put my phone down, but seconds later…
I saw yet another message from him pop up on WhatsApp. He said thanks, but then it seemed as though he was typing something with intent. Heart racing, I waited for him to finish. And what he said totally blew any expectations I could have possibly had, out the window:
“Okay so there was something I wanted to tell you… I realize I hurt you a lot the past few years and I also realize I wasn’t always the best boyfriend to you or the one you deserved but I’m really glad we finished the way we did. I would have felt terrible if we kept going and started hating each other… So like I want to say it’s nice to still have you as a friend.”
I didn’t even know how to respond at first. But, I ended up telling him how much his message meant to me, and that he wasn’t a bad boyfriend and he had made me happy. I also admitted that I wasn’t the easiest person to date what with my own personal struggles, and I pointed out his patience with me. I also agreed that I was happy we could still stay friends, despite everything.
We talked briefly about his new phone, (which is in fact an iPhone), and he mentioned he was still in Cuba but was glad he was able to tell me what he did, to which I thanked him for.
Despite my day being rather busy, I must admit that this has been on my mind. It’s made me happy, but also sad. So, happy-sad. I know there’s a word for that, other than “bittersweet”. I just can’t think of it right now.
It made me happy because, I know for sure now that he’s definitely growing. We’ve both grown so much outside of our relationship. He’s travelling, he seems genuinely happy, and that’s all I could have ever wanted for him. I’m glad that exploring the world and adventuring is also making him introspective enough to have these realizations. And, I’m more than glad that he took a moment out of his trip to share some of those introspections with me.
But I’m also sad. Sad because it made my heart feel a little sore. This person, the person he’s becoming now… that was the person I was holding out hope for, holding so hard onto. But, I had to let him go in order for him to become that person. So there’s the bittersweet-ness of it all. For the first time in a long while, I’m a little sad at the thought of him, at the thought of our old “us”. But that’s okay. I forget sometimes that it’s only been a little over two months since we ended it all. Short time period, but so much progress has been made since then.
More than anything, I just want him to be happy. I think that despite whatever we went through in our relationship, at his core is a genuinely good person with good intentions. I hope that’s the person he maintains, as he grows and learns and sees what this world has to offer.
Well, it is what it is! With every day that passes, I know that I did the right thing for us both. It was hard, so hard, but it’s usually the harder things in life that bring about the most change. Comfort is the enemy of progress.
That’s all I wanted to say for today! I’m glad we can be friends. I really am. I was a little worried back there. I need to stop comparing myself to Don though, for reals. I’m not him, I was never him. I had my insecurities but I never, ever had any mal-intent towards Nick, ever. I never wanted to control him, or manipulate him. And, I was never selfish. I loved him enough, truly, to know that letting him go would better us both, even if I did do it for me.
Anyways, that’s all! Looking forward to this week! Just going to go with the flow, no overthinking or anxiety, no, no, no.
Can’t wait to write about it all! Until tomorrow,