Day 75, 76 + 77 – March 16th, 17th & 18th 2017

Hello!! Omg, I can’t believe I haven’t found the time to write for the past two days! It’s currently 1:37 PM on Saturday, March 18th and I’m currently in a ride-share truck on my way to London! It’s been such a crazy past two days that I don’t even know where to begin!

I guess I’ll start with Thursday, the 16th. Okay so, I got to switch my shift to the morning so that I could leave earlier (yay!). Dylan ended up being a morning shift too, much to my happiness, hehe. We talked quite a bit of our shifts – I told him about my crazy past with séances and also what happened to my aunt in Sri Lanka.

We talked about the Alchemist, and our favourite parts in it. I know we talked about more, but to be honest I can’t quite remember much of it now! But it was nice to work together. And Sera was in too, and there was this moment where he was saying he was addicted to his phone, and Sera snipped that for someone who was so addicted, he took a mighty long time to text her back.

I died! I love their relationship with each other, they’re so funny and chill but also super protective of one another.

Anyways, after my work shift, I booked it to York. We were on a super tight schedule, and it looked like we were just about to miss our bus. But, we persevered and ran like hell and JUST made it in time. AND, the bus driver was so kind, he told us not to pay and to pay when we got to our next bus, which was so nice. We wrote him a kind note and gave him five bucks for a coffee, on us. I watched him read the note from afar, and as he drove away, he mouthed “thank you” at me! It was such a nice moment.

Unfortunately, we missed the next bus because it was simply too packed to get on. But, everything definitely happens for a reason.

Olivia ate an edible on the first bus and by the second, she started tripping so hard and it was so hilarious!!! Never seen her like that, but it was very entertaining. Although, I was also kind of worried because I’ve never seen her that high and she kept saying she was hearing voices.

Once we got to Waterloo, we dropped off our stuff and had to go for our “pick up”, so I called an Uber for us so that we could get there in time. It was so funny – we started speaking in Sinhalese because we thought that our Uber driver wouldn’t understand us, but he WAS Sinhalese!!! We all died laughing, because honestly what are the chances!? These things only happen to us, I swear.

After our successful pick-up, we decided to go for some food. We were walking around at night around 11ish, searching for places that were still open, and we managed to get some chicken shawarma.

Just then, Dylan texted and asked where I was exactly, so I told him I was at King & University, and then he asked if I wanted to meet up for a bit at Starbucks, which nearly made me pass out LOL.

So the girls and I grabbed our food and went to Starbucks, where we made a game plan – if he was alone, I would twirl my hair which would signal that the girls should leave after meeting him so that he and I could be alone. Which sounds pretty hilarious now that I think about it, but it actually worked out pretty smoothly…

He did show up on his own, so I introduced him to Alycia, Serena and Rose and he introduced himself to all of them as well. After he and Rose talked a bit about the game that had just past, they got up and headed out. He bought me passion tea lemonade and got himself a tea, and after that we sat down for a bit to talk.

We ended up staying for about an hour, talking about pretty much everything and anything that came to mind. I wouldn’t even know where to begin in regards to the topics we covered. But, there are some pretty cute things I want to highlight: like how he decided he wanted something sweet, got a cookie, and let me have the first piece. Or, how when I started talking about how I used to feel like a failure for not having graduated yet, he looked straight into my soul as he told me not to feel that way. It was super intense.

Like the gentleman he is, he even walked me all the way back to Ro’s apartment, right into the lobby.

Before I continue on about the events of the rest of the weekend, I have to say something. For a little while there, I was… I don’t know, worried? That maybe, we weren’t vibing as well as I had thought. Which in turn made me realize… I need to continue to focus on myself. I started this year very much in tune with myself, my emotions, and I was very much… in control? I don’t really know how to phrase it.

What I’m trying to say is, I don’t ever want to feel like I need someone ever again, and I don’t ever want to base my happiness off of someone else. I still have ways to go before I reach that place where I’m totally comfortable and happy with just being alone, without seeking the comfort of someone else’s company.

I need to know and believe that whatever is meant to happen in regards to this, will eventually pan out. But, no matter the outcome – if I’m not his type, if we don’t have that connection that I honestly thought we did, if he just doesn’t feel the same way, then I need to know that it has nothing to do with me, and that life goes on. Despite how great of a guy he is, he’s not the ONLY great guy walking on the face of this earth. And more than that, I need to love ME and take care of ME first, before I can bring anyone else into my life!

I like him, I do. He’s a great guy. But I have some super serious and important aspects of my life right now that deserve more attention, especially so that I can take care of myself and my future. I need to get back to that. I’ve got to get my ducks in a row before I can introduce new ducks, LOL.

I know I’ve probably said this to myself already in multiple previous logs, but until it sticks, I’m going to keep repeating myself. No more losing my head in the clouds, I just can’t afford it. I spent three years of my life and also my education focusing more on a relationship than my own state of being. I won’t do it again.

The time has come to reel my heart back in. I let her have a free reign for a bit there because, the Alchemist taught me to love, respect and listen to my heart, rather than putting her in a cage because of how deeply and passionately she feels things. I have nothing against her and I feel so blessed to feel things as deeply as I do. I am so proud of my capacity to throw myself into things (and sometimes, people) that could potentially hurt me with no holds barred, especially after everything I’ve been through.

Despite all the pain I’ve felt, I’d still rather live a life where I feel everything instead of putting my heart in a box and locking it away so that I protect myself, because I now know two things for sure: one, that locking my heart away would turn it so cold and hard that I would never be able to ever let anyone in, therein isolating myself from everything life has to offer. And two, that I have been through some of the worst emotional pain possible… and still lived to tell the tale. I can handle the pain that life brings. What I can’t handle, is being so afraid of that pain that I close myself off. I don’t deserve that. I could never do that to me.

That being said, I also need to learn how to be more aware and conscious of the way my thoughts and emotions are closely intertwined. I let my heart run away with things freely, but my thoughts end up following closely behind to the point that sometimes, it’s all I can think about because it’s all I can feel. It’s not that I can’t let myself get consumed by that passion, it’s just that there’s a time and place for it, is all. And right now, I’ve got to direct a little (or a lot) of that passion at myself, for the time being.

Okay so, it’s getting kind of late now (and it’s also Sunday, March 19th, day 78) so I think I’ll write up the rest of the weekend’s events in my log tomorrow. Also, I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, after so long. I can talk to her about my pangs of anxiety that still come up, even when I’m happy or doing mundane things. I just don’t want to live with it anymore.

Here’s hoping, (and making sure) that this week is productive! Time to get back to reality, I’ve let my vacation mode go on for much too long now.

Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

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