Day 83 – March 24th, 2017

Hello! So I’m back to continue the log I began yesterday. Okay so, where was I…

Ah yes, the road trip! Dylan is such a good driver. I mean, he definitely sped here and there a couple times but it was in that hot controlled way that guys always do. Once we finally got to London, we parked and decided to adventure around since we were so close to the venue. We found this cool looking bar and decided to eat there after looking at the menu. I sat in front of him, Olivia to my left and Milan in front of her.

It went really well! We talked a lot, like about travel and stuff and Milan talked more about his life and how he used to competitively swim and whatnot. There were moments were I would lock eyes with Dylan while we were all talking and he just held the eye contact and I HAD to look away, I just, AHH. It makes my stomach all flippy and nervous because he has the most gorgeous green-hazel eyes I’ve ever seen. I have to work on that.

After we ate, it was time to head to the venue but before we did, we stopped back at his car for a moment so that they could take a shot of whiskey out of a flask, LOL. Budweiser Gardens looked pretty much identical to the ACC, only smaller! It was really cool. We walked around for a bit until we found our section, checked out our seats and then went separate ways for a brief moment. Olivia and I went to go buy a Lumineers shirt, where we ended up running into each other again, and then they decided they wanted a Kaleo shirt as well.

After that, we ran into Sera! It was so good to see her. Clyde was there too. We talked for a brief moment and as we parted ways, Sera quietly told me to make sure Dyla didn’t speed, so cute. I love how when they say goodbye, he kisses her on the forehead and says “love you”. *swoon*. Boys who openly adore and revere their moms is probably one of the hottest things ever. As we were walking back to our section, I was about to give Dylan money for gas because he promised that I could buy him a drink instead and I didn’t get to. But then, he was like “okay, buy me one now.” So we went to the venue bar, and I ordered him and myself a gin and tonic, and his friend got one too because they were so much cheaper than I thought they would be. I made sure to ask if he would be okay driving, and he assured me he would be by the time we left. We cheers-ed to a great concert, and then made our way to our section.

Fast forward to the concert: Susto was pretty good, but Kaleo was INCREDIBLE! The lead singer’s vocals were absolutely astounding and they sounded so, so good live! But man, The Lumineer’s just took the cake…

It was probably the best concert I’ve ever been to (not that I’ve been to many, but still). Wesley would give a little background information about some of the songs before he performed them, making the whole experience a little bit more personal. AND, there was a point that they came to the middle of the whole arena on a raised platform that was RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR SECTION BY SOME MIRACLE! I nearly passed out, I was so excited. And, they performed my favourite song “Where Skies Are Blue” on that platform too. Ah, such an amazing experience.

They performed all of me and Olivia’s favourite songs and more! They ended off with Stubborn Love, and it was just magical. My heart was so, so happy. At the end of the concert, I looked up into the seats behind us and caught Dylan’s eye, and we both were like “holy shit”. It was cute.

As we were all leaving, we were so amped over the whole thing. Dylan said the Lumineer’s definitely gained a new fan, which made me happy – I’m so glad they enjoyed them the way that Olivia and I did! As we left the venue, I thanked him sincerely for telling me about the concert, because if he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have known or been there.

As we went back home, we listened to The Lumineer’s older album and it was just, so nice. I love road trips. Dylan was so considerate, he drove us all the way home which was so, so nice of him. As we were driving, I couldn’t help but stare once or twice; honestly, I’ve never met any guy so ridiculously good looking AND that genuinely good.

Once we got to my house, we all bade each other goodbye and Milan said it was nice to meet us, which I reciprocated as well! It was nice to get to know one of his friends. Before I got out of the car, I placed my hand on Dylan’s arm and thanked him again for everything, (hehe). He asked if I was working on Friday and I said I was, and that I would see him then.

All in all, perfect day. I wish I was more focused on Dylan and less on trying to make a good impression on his friend, because I think it was difficult for Dylan to get a word in edgewise sometimes with how much we were talking. But either way, I think it went well. I wonder if they talked about it after, and what they said. Olivia said she can definitely see potential there, but also potential for just friendship.

It’s not that I don’t know what I want – I do. If I throw my logic and rationalization out the window and just ask what my heart wants, she wants him. Like, the whole enchilada; I want the car rides listening to music, I want to watch games with him because of how much he loves hockey and how happy it makes him, I want to experience those adorable forehead kisses and I want to treasure the way he stares at me, I want those long conversations where we talk about anything and everything and they end up turning deep, I want the little jokes and his lightly sarcastic sense of humour, I want to show him that he can be with someone who won’t hurt him, who will genuinely care and safeguard his heart and encourage him to pursue all of his dreams with no holds barred.

So yeah, that’s what my heart wants. What do I want?

I want… I want to get back on track with school before I let anything else become important in my life. I want to have less anxiety about the course my life is taking so that when I do take on another relationship, I won’t be depending on that person to push me or encourage me because I will be pushing myself. I want to be self-assured and confident about where I’m going in life so that my uncertainties don’t take a toll on whatever relationship I find myself in.

^ that was probably mostly logic and rationalization talking, but that part of me is right too. All these parts of me make me who I am.

I know that I have it in me to have both these things at the same time, somehow. I was never good at multi-tasking because I let things consume me or I neglect priorities I should be focusing on to focus on something that is easier or feels good. I think that if I want both (if the former is even a possibility, of course – I know what I want but I have no clue as to what he wants, so… this could all be for nothing, really) then I’m going to have to learn how to not neglect school or give up just because things get difficult. I have to be more responsible for myself in order to attain the things that will make me happy.

Okay, I really want to continue this log but I’ve got to shower and get ready for work, so when I get back from work tonight I will continue it. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 83 continued…

Hello! So it’s pretty late but I just want to briefly talk about today before I go to bed because I think I’m overthinking things and I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be a crazy person because of my feelings ever again. I swear that’s what being in a relationship with Nick felt like because of how deeply I cared but also because of my own insecurities, you know?

And now, while I’m no longer that insecure (or so I would like to believe) I have this nagging thought in my head all of a sudden. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me talk about today first.

So Dylan and I talked briefly here and there – about the concert, how good it was, how much he now likes Stubborn Love. He called me over when he saw that Kit Harrington is the face of Jimmy Choo and I told him I could see the resemblance. We talked about how often he works out and just small talk like that.

But see, that’s my problem now. It’s the small talk.

When he and I were first initially talking, he used to flirt. From small things like asking me if he should keep his facial hair and saying he’d keep it just for me, or telling me he’d of definitely voted for me if he were a judge in Rebel’s Halloween costume contest. But now? Zip. Or am I being oblivious? No, no I don’t think I am. I don’t know.

But like also, Sera would tell me all the time what Dylan would say about me, about how he didn’t want to settle down until he found a girl like me and how he thought I was essentially perfect and whatnot. Or how he asked her for tickets to a hockey game because he wanted to take me to my first hockey game ever. And now I’m not hearing any of that too.

Okay, the rational explanation for Sera could be that maybe she no longer wants to get involved, I suppose. And as for Dylan… I don’t know. Do we not have the chemistry that I thought we initially did? Did something change? Was it me? Is this all in my head?

ARGH. I’ve accepted how deeply I care about things and how deeply I let myself get invested because I wouldn’t have it any other way, but man I need to start exercising a little more caution with my feelings. I let myself get so caught up so easily and then I end up torturing myself over tiny little things like this. It’s ridiculous! This is legitimately probably all in my head.

I think my problem is that, before, I had no reason to doubt anything. I had 100% confidence in the idea that he was attracted to me. In both the way he spoke to me, and Sera’s affirmations. And now that we’re mostly friendly now and I’m getting radio silence from Sera, I have this uncertainty that’s making me scared and overthink because… I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of rejection. …OHHHHHHHHHHH. *light bulb*

Okay, I think I get it a little more now. I’m not nuts, or crazy, or any of those other things the little mean girl in my head is telling me I am. I just have a deep fear of getting hurt. And everyone’s afraid of rejection. The reason I liked the earlier certainty so much was because it was easy for me to invest my feelings in it because the potential for reciprocation was higher, if not guaranteed. And now, I don’t feel that way anymore so THAT’S what has me freaking out.

I liked the certainty so much because it let me take the bars off my heart, the ones I had that was holding it back. But now there’s uncertainty, and my brain is scrambling trying to do damage control before there even IS damage. I’m already preparing for the worst because I’m scared it can happen. But really, the “worst” isn’t as bad as I’m perceiving it to be.

What’s the worst that can happen? Simply, he got to know me and realized he just wasn’t into me as he thought he was. Or, he just didn’t want to pursue things further and likes me better as a friend. Does either of those things have anything to do with me as a person? Absolutely not. But the only way I’m going to get through life is by accepting that not everyone I come across is going to fall madly in love with me if I invest my feelings in them. Sometimes, it just isn’t a two way street and that’s okay. Life goes on. That doesn’t mean I’m going to end up alone (and even if I did, that’s okay too because I love me).

If there isn’t anything between us, then that’s not a reflection of who I am as a person – sometimes people just don’t click. I have to remember that. I can’t force things into being.

Okay, I feel sooooo much better now.

Honestly, if friendship is the only thing that comes of all this, then I’m totally okay with that too. Dylan is such a good guy, and he’d be a really good friend to have. Like I’d genuinely enjoy going fishing with him some day or something, even if it was on friendly terms.

I get so swept up in my feelings so easily that it feels like they’re the ones driving the bus sometimes. I’m glad that I write though, because this is what allows me to re-center myself and find some clarity in the chaotic whirlwind that is my thoughts and feelings.

I need to stop overthinking, and maybe even stop “over-feeling”. Is that a thing? I think it should be.

I just get so consumed by everything to the point I stress myself out and it’s not fair to me, you know? I want to have a calmer state of mind, and a calmer heart. I’m not saying I want to be less passionate, because I love how passionate I am. I’m just saying, I’d like to be a little less reckless with my emotions so that I don’t wear myself down.

Anyways, I have a busy weekend full of work ahead, and I have to write an essay by Sunday night. I’ll write tomorrow morning briefly maybe, but if not then after my work shift.

Until tomorrow then,

Love,

Me.

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