Day 84 & 85 – March 25th + 26th, 2017

These days have been flying by so quickly, quicker than sand through my fingers. I feel like I barely have time to write these logs or reflect – yes, partially because work has been taking up a lot of my time. But, also because lately I haven’t been budgeting my time wisely.

I didn’t get a chance to write on Saturday – about how my shift was pretty much miserable without Dylan to talk to, but that talking to Sera made things pass by faster. Or about how I met a guy at Drake Hotel during Adelaide’s birthday and was this stunningly confident person I’ve never seen before. But, I do want to write about those things.

I want to talk about today too, how I once again spent a lot of my shift talking to Sera, which was a great comfort actually. And about how that cute guy did end up texting me. And about how Nick texted me out of the blue, and we ended up catching up.

But, here’s the thing – it’s late. And I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. And I have an essay that’s due the day after that, an essay that hasn’t even begun to be formed in any way, shape or way. I’m stressed, I’m once again experiencing my zero motivation mood, and I can’t stop thinking about how I feel like I have literally no direction in life because I have no idea what I want for myself or what’s right for me, ergo I have no idea what decisions I should be making now because I don’t know where I’m meant to end up or what I’m meant to be doing. I don’t even have a dream.

But something just happened that made things a little more bearable. As I was sitting here, zoning out, staring listlessly at this log, I heard a voice in my head. My own voice, except… clearer. Definitive. Full of purpose. And all it said was, “it’s going to be okay.”

Startled, I asked myself “is this my intuition?” and the voice said, “yes. I know you’re stressed. I know you feel like you have no purpose and that this essay is stressing you out because you feel like you can’t write it. But it’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay. For now, type up this log, and then go to bed because you have a long day ahead of you. You’re going to go to class. You’re going to see your counselor tomorrow. Just get through this week, get through your exam, and then figure out what you want to do for yourself. No matter what, know that it’s going to be okay.”

Shaken, all I could do was thank myself, nod, hug myself and now here I am typing this. I’ve never heard that voice so clearly before but, I want to hear it. I want to listen. I’m so tired of not knowing. I’m so tired of autopilot. I want to know. I need to know, what was meant for me in this life. I won’t ever know until I start listening and start doing.

I’m so scared. I have so much guilt. I have that precipice feeling again.

I don’t know what it is I need or want for the long term, but my intuition is right – I must do what I can for myself, for now at least. And so, I’m going to go to bed. I’m going to face tomorrow with positivity and hope, because even if I’m losing a battle tonight, I’m not giving up in this war for my future.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it’s a new week, and I will make the best of it.

Don’t ever forget – in this life, you have YOU. You HAVE TO take care and love YOU. Forgive yourself. Know yourself. Push yourself. You HAVE a purpose in this life. Don’t stop trying to find it, some way, somehow. Okay? I love you.

Until tomorrow,

Love, always,

Me.

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