Day 86 – March 27th, 2017

Hello. So it’s pretty late at night, and my essay is due tomorrow morning, and I’m sitting here with literally zero motivation to write this essay. Literally none. Like I can’t even bring myself to care. Honestly though, I wonder why I always end up this way. I get these amazing bursts of motivation, but it never stays and somehow always turns into apathy. Is it because I choose to stay apathetic?

This is like that book I just bought – “the subtle art of not giving a fuck”. I give a fuck about the wrong things, and also don’t give a fuck about the things that I SHOULD give a fuck about. Which kind of worries me.

Okay me, care. Turn on the caring, flip the switch. Little voice says back: but… I don’t like stressing. Okay but, if you had just done the essay a long while ago in the first place, you wouldn’t have to be sitting here, stressing about it. Little voice: can we just… not do it? We’re already ace-ing the class. What’s one assignment? But, we can’t afford anything lower than a C in this class. And we could have so easily gotten an A.

I don’t have any motivation or will because I feel like I have no end goal. I feel like, even if I do complete my degree, I won’t have a job, so what’s the point? Money down the drain, and time wasted, all for a piece of paper. So what am I supposed to be doing? What can I be doing differently that will NOT waste my time and money and also allow me to do something that will make me happy and hopefully help people? What’s time efficient and cost efficient and also likely?

I don’t want to be miserable and bitter about all this. I hate the idea of me being negative. But, the truth is, I’m 24 and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have no end-goal, direction, I don’t know what my purpose is and I am literally aimlessly wandering through these days with no intent whatsoever. Everything has become a blur.

Okay, that was depressing. But, let’s take my head out of my ass for one second. What do I really want to do? Like really. Like, my dream.

I want to help people. I don’t care if it’s in an office, or where ever it may be, but I want to listen to people when they talk to me and know exactly how to respond, how to be able to help them turn their lives around.

When I look at it this way, the opportunities are endless. I could become a teacher. I could become a relationship therapist. I could become a social worker, in a hospital or a school or where ever. Yes, it’s going to take time. It’s going to take money. I may end up having to stay in school until I’m 30. But, in the end I would find a way to make things work. But nothing is going to change now unless I GET MY FUCKING ACT TOGETHER.

I have the power to change EVERYTHING about my current circumstances. Getting my petition together, polishing the letter, collecting the rest of the CPS’s. Handing it in. Taking the summer off to work, maybe finding another job to save money. I can’t just sit here and lament about how much I don’t care because it won’t get me anywhere.

Yeah, I really don’t want to write this fucking essay. But, that’s just in my head. I need to suck it up, spew out some bullshit and move on. University isn’t nearly as hard as I’ve made it out to be. I’m smart and I am perfectly capable of excelling if I just cared enough to.

I still have stuff to write about from the past couple days, but right now, this essay’s got to take priority over everything else. Tomorrow, after a long day of going to tutorial to hand it in, as well as my work shift, then I will sit down and type out everything I’ve missed writing about in the past couple days. Okay? Okay.

I can’t believe how much I’ve begun to crave and need sleep. I’ve never been like this before. I wonder if it’s because I’m getting old, LOL.

Okay, off to write this essay I go! 2000 words should be a cake-walk. I mean, here I am with over 87,000 words right?

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

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