Day 89 – March 30th, 2017

Hello, hello!

I don’t even know where to begin!!! There’s so much I have to catch up on, so I think I’ll prioritize what I want to write about and just go from there. Okay so there’s: St. Patrick’s Day weekend, Nick messaging me, my appointment with my counselor, realizations I’ve had as a result of the books I’ve been reading (what my values are, the honesty I’ve had to have with myself, my intentions as to why I want a relationship, not “need”, etc.), how I’ve been feeling lately, what my plans are for this summer. Okay let’s see… maybe I’ll start with Nick, then go onto my appointment, then realizations, how I’ve been feeling can tie in with that, and then my plans for summer, and if I find time, I’ll finish off St. Patrick’s Day weekend. Alright, that’s a plan! Let’s begin.

Okay so, on Sunday, March 26th, Nick messaged me randomly asking me if I was still close to Megan. I just wanted to note here, that my heart didn’t skip a beat and I didn’t feel any ways about him messaging me, much to my surprise. Like it was just nice to see that he had, that was it. Anyways, the reason he had been asking was because he wanted to show me how she looks constipated in some of her selfies, which made me die of laughter.

That turned into a conversation about what he’d been up to lately. So, he’s been working out a lot lately, and he quit all his internships! When I asked why, he said it was because he was starting up his own company, an international trading business. And that he was working on some big deals, which is really exciting. He also mentioned that the restaurant is doing really well, that they were recognized by Yelp and even received an award.

It honestly made me so, so happy to hear that everything’s been going so well for him and for his family! I told him everything’s been the same for me with school, and he gave me a little bit of advice about it, which was nice.

In a couple days, it’ll be the three month mark since we’ve broken up and honestly… our relationship feels like a faraway dream now. Sometimes, it feels like it didn’t even happen. But it did! It was such a huge part of my life, three whole years. I learnt so much about myself, what I don’t want for myself in a relationship but also what I do deserve. In leaving it, I’ve grown so much and come so far, and I think the same can be said for him. I think that whatever relationship he ends up in after our one, he’s going to know so much better the difference between healthy and unhealthy.

I think he’ll always remember me, and I know that relationship will always be a part of me, but when I think about it now, with everything I know now, I don’t think he was the greatest love of my life. I was definitely in love, head over heels – I grew to love him for everything he was, or wasn’t. I learnt about the extents of my forgiveness, my capacity for strength and healing. My ability to let go. But, that’s not the kind of love I want for myself.

Now that I know what kind of love I can have, and the kind of love I deserve, everything I’ve been through now palls in comparison. Now that I love myself the way that I should, I look forward to the kind of relationship I can have now – transformative, forever growing and learning, the ability to walk alongside someone instead of needing them to pull me forward, or holding onto them in the fear that they may let go.

I don’t “need” a relationship anymore – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. When it’s meant for me, it’ll come. I’m in no rush. It feels good to be on my own, for the first time in a very long time.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! The realizations kind of came through there ^ because a lot of that, I read and learnt recently. But that’s okay! Moving on now, my appointment with my counselor.

Okay so, I hadn’t realized how off-balance I’d become until I saw her yesterday. Ever since I got back from St. Patrick’s I think, or maybe even after Hawaii, I realized that I’ve been on go-go-go mode – with nowhere to go! What I mean by that is, I’ve been letting these days pass by in a blur of work, and watching shows, without really stopping to connect with myself and ask myself what I need. I used to do little spa days, take bubble baths, just so that my soul could feel replenished and recharged, because a part of self-love is self-care. I’ve forgotten that lately!

So yesterday, I told her about how my anxiety sometimes comes up when I least expect – even during my trip when everything was good! And she explained to me how, the brain makes a habit of worrying about things, and even when there’s nothing to worry about, it’s so used to worrying that it’ll worry about nothing and dredge up those anxious feelings, even if it’s for no reason. But, she told me that the way I was handling it was pretty good – when those feelings come up, I ask myself why I’m feeling that way, and try to think of anything I need to be worrying about. When nothing comes up, I distract myself until the feeling just goes away on its own. But, she brought up a new way of thinking about it that I would like to try the next time the anxiety comes up.

Self-compassion. Not once during those episodes, have I ever sat down to ask myself kindly, “is everything okay? Why are you feeling this way? Is there something I can do?” Instead, I wait for the feelings to pass. I don’t blame myself or get mad at myself per se, I admit it was a bit perplexing for a while, but I’ve never once extended myself the courtesy of compassion. I do need to be more forgiving and understanding towards myself, because all I have is me. If I don’t take care of me the way I deserve, then who really will? I can’t depend on anyone to do that for me.

Anyways, she ended up meditating with me for about a minute, and honestly I felt so, so centered afterwards. So, I think I’m going to make meditation a part of my every day, at least for a minute, just so that I can learn to quiet my “monkey mind”, or at least find out why it never stops so that I can come to terms with whatever is below the surface.

We talked about school as well, about how I was beginning to panic again because the idea of the timeframe seems to be one I am having trouble escaping from completely. But she assured me that everyone’s path is different, and she’s right.

It was a good little session, and I’m so glad that I’m seeing her. As I left, I thought about the person I was before the counselling – on the brink of an emotional and mental breakdown, sad, scared, numb, unhappy, how much I cried during my first few sessions. And now? I’m so much more at peace with myself now, than I was then. I’m so glad that I took the initiative to start taking care of my mental and emotional wellbeing. I can’t let that slip away from me, ever again.

She also told me to be patient with my downs though, because healing isn’t a steady climb upwards. It’s rolling hills that eventually lead up, but I have to forgiving and patient with myself during the downs, and she’s right.

Okay, that’s about two topics I’ve managed to cover, but now I have to shower and get ready for work. I also wanted to take a minute to meditate as well, and I don’t want to rush, so I think I’m going to cut this short for now, and finish it up when I get back from work.

I still have to talk about how I’ve been feeling and doing! I need to work on my time management too, come to think of it. Like, did I need to stay in bed that long? Well, it was nice to sleep in I mean.

Until later then!

Love,

Me.

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