Day 90 – March 31st, 2017

Hello! Here we are, at the end of yet another month, the third month of this year. And what a month it’s been! I can gladly say that the majority of all it didn’t pass by in a blur because of this amazing log. I can go back to any one of these written logs and know what I was doing or how I was feeling at any point of this month, which is so great.

And so, another month is now around the corner, brimming with more and more opportunities for growth and development. One of my main priorities for this month is to start my driver’s classes because I would like to get my g2 by this summer so that I can start driving around. How cool would that be!? I would love that feeling of self-sufficiency.

I’m leaning more towards not taking summer school this year because I think I would like to take this time to get my petition done, hand it in, and maybe start off this September with a clean slate. I’m going to stick with Psychology because it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, and then I’ll go from there.

It feels good to be more definitive, because I was starting to get a little lost back there. I just need to remember that I’ll always be here to bring myself back, when I start to feel that way.

So I’m off from work for the next couple days, which is a welcome change to the constant working. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to work because my coworkers make it so much fun. I never feel that “aw man, I have to go to work now”-dread that people get before their shifts, which is a blessing to me. But, I’m just glad that I get to get some time to myself.

I still have to write about… St. Patrick’s weekend, and… actually, that’s about it. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow since I’ll have so much time. Today, Chloe, Leila and I will be going for dinner tonight and I’m so, so excited to see them and spend time with them! Finally treating myself to a little self-care in the form of my best friends’ company. Also, after I finish this log, I’m going to do my daily meditation and take a nice hot bubble bath, mm. I can’t wait.

I think something I wanted to discuss in today’s log, is something I spent some time mulling over last night. And, with the assistance of talking it over with Olivia, I realized something that I need to note here.

Okay so, for the past week or so, I was wondering if maybe things with Dylan had come to a standstill. We haven’t spoken or texted since I saw him last (one week ago today), and our only interactions have been seeing each other’s stories on snapchat. Also, Sera – yesterday she was telling me how he had been feeling lately like his chest was getting kicked in, he was in that much pain. Turns out, he had some serious inflammation in his chest that was pressing up against his rib cage, because of his asthma.

I told her to tell him that I hope he feels better, but that’s about it. I mean, I suppose I easily could have texted him but… my brain, oh my brain has been doing a fine job of holding me back with the confines of fear and second-guessing.

Despite my brain, (which I don’t blame at all, by the way – we’ve been through some pretty crazy shit and I totally understand the idea of self-preservation), my heart and I came to a realization last night.

I’ve known for a while that I definitely have feelings for Dylan. Above and beyond all the surface stuff, I’ve never had the fortune of meeting someone who is so genuinely good. I met him at a time that nothing could come of things, but over time those circumstances changed. And last night, I finally realized, and as scary as this may be…

I don’t think I can let this… whatever it may be, I don’t think I can let it… go. Without really allowing myself to see where things could go, if they’re meant to, if they can, I mean. What I’m trying to say is… if I didn’t pursue this, despite all the fear I feel, I think I would regret it so much. Even if I pursue it and nothing comes of it because it just wasn’t meant to be – at least I would have the comfort of knowing that I tried.

I’m scared because, while I know Dylan isn’t the only amazing guy in the world, there is only one him. And he’s a pretty incredible guy. I’m scared because, in my past six years of dating, I’ve never had to do the pursuing before, and I never realized how comfortable I became with not putting the effort in to establish a relationship – my past two relationships have just, come to me. I engaged in them because I felt comfortable with how badly I was initially wanted. I’m not saying this easily – it’s always hard to be honest with ones’ self, but that’s what I’m doing here. I liked how badly both Don and Nick pursued me. It made falling into those relationships so much easier. Were they right for me? Probably not. But did they teach me things I was meant to learn? Absolutely.

Therein lies the difference here – I don’t quite know what the reason is, but it feels like Dylan isn’t trying to pursue things with me. While it could totally be that he’s simply not interested in a relationship or me even, I’ll never know unless I don’t try to find out. I’m not trying to sound conceited (and my self-love is nodding profusely in agreement here).

Here’s what I know. Six months ago when I was in a relationship with Nick, I started talking to this incredibly amazing guy, the son of my co-worker. I felt an immediate chemistry, a pull that I had to keep in the back of my mind and heart because loyalty in my relationship was my utmost top priority to me. Nonetheless, every conversation that this guy and I had drew me in further. The way he looked at me. The way he told me he’d never quite met anyone like me before. How he told his mom that he’d never settle down with a girl unless they were like me.

I heard about how good of a guy he was, and then I got to directly experience this selflessness myself when he came to my rescue during my allergy attack.

I ended my relationship, and then we started working together again, but things were different. While the conversations were still amazing, and made my heart skip a beat, the certainty of the attraction I felt before faltered. Friendship was established (or so I’d like to think), but what changed from six months ago, to now? Other than my ending my relationship?

This curiosity is driving me nuts! I need to know! The old me would have been quick to blame myself – maybe it was something I did or said, is what I would have used to think. Now, I know better. It could have been anything. But, I need to know! If things weren’t meant to happen for us, or if I’m suddenly not that “ideal” girl anymore, then why!? What changed!?

I don’t need a relationship, and I don’t need someone’s love and affection to feel validated because I love myself dearly. With or without this guy, life will go on as it’s meant to. I know this.

But, the universe brought someone into my life, someone who has come to mean a lot to me, and now I need to know why. I let myself see the signs and I listened to the omens. I followed them, and they told me I had nothing to fear. That there was something real and tangible to this, that it wasn’t all in my head. I have this feeling in my heart too, that just… knows. I can’t quite explain it. I know the fear of it all is a direct result of the pain I’ve experienced, but I’m trying to move past that.

In “Choosing Me before We”, Christine explains that if you want to manifest your intentions towards someone or something, you can’t change your mind or be wishy-washy because all of that back and forth will make the universe sea-sick and negate the purity of your intentions. She says that you have to be open, aware and unattached of what signs/omens your intentions bring you, and to be practical but be open to possibility at the same time.

So, here I am universe, here’s my official declaration: I’m all in.

No more wishy-washy, no more back and forth, no more letting fear hold me back. I want to know why Dylan was brought into my life when he was, why it was so easy for me to fall for him. Why seeing him makes my stomach flip and why I can’t hold his eye contact for too long without feeling like I’m going to stop breathing. Why I’ve met someone so kind, and good, someone who made me feel like I could be looked at and appreciated the way I deserve to be. I want to know if there’s a possibility for more. I’m willing to do what it takes to find out.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here or what I’m supposed to do exactly. I promise to be practical – I’m not going to throw myself into this all willy-nilly, but I also won’t allow my fear to dictate my thoughts and emotions.

Three years ago, my heart was begging me to run, as far and as fast as I could, from Nick. The universe gave me sign after sign, omen after omen, that this guy would bring me nothing but pain. And I went back, every single time. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I regret nothing because I learnt so, so much. But my point here is that things are different this time around.

This time around, my mind is scared but I can feel my heart wanting to leap out of its chest. Last time, my heart was terrified but my mind was insistent.

I’m going to go with my heart on this one. There’s a reason for everything, everything is written, and more than anything, I want to know why. I need to know why.

I can feel my brain trying to tell me I’m being crazy, but I’ve witnessed way too much of what the universe can do to lose faith in myself or in this. I believe in what I’ve seen, and what I’ve experienced. I know there’s more to life than just the things that occur. There’s always more.

So there, that’s that. I’m all in. I think he may be working next weekend, possibly. If he isn’t, then… I don’t know, I’ll figure out how to proceed in that case, when the time comes. But if he is… I will be aware. I will try my best to figure out where he stands when it comes to me. And, I will try my best to show him where I stand, without coming off too strong. I just, I want him to know that I like him, when the time is right. I’ve never put myself out there like this before, ever. With anyone. Have I?!

Oh wow, yeah I have. With my first love, Aryan. That was the one time that I had to tell him how I felt. I was brave, and it was hard, and nothing turned out the way I hoped it could. Because he was scared, because he held back. And then, I moved on. And then life went on for the both of us, and we went on our separate paths. The timing never worked out for us. Maybe that’s also a part of the reason I’m so scared about this. I lost a really, really good friend, and the first ever love of my life. While that had nothing to do with me, per se, it was still a tough loss.

Life is life though. Everything happens for a reason. It probably just wasn’t in the cards, or written, for Aryan and I. And that’s okay.

I have this intrinsic knowledge within me that the time will come for me to be honest, when it comes to this. And then whatever happens after as a result, is exactly what was meant to happen. And no matter what does happen, I will be able to move forward with myself and my life knowing that I didn’t let fear hold me back from finding out if there could have been more.

Even now, I know the way I’m speaking about this is subliminally preparing me for the worst in order to protect myself, and that’s okay. Because, at least I’m finally willing enough to allow myself to go through it, without letting fear hold me back. And that’s all I can really ask of myself, you know.

I’m so proud of me. I’m listening to you for once, Heart. While my mind is shaking its head, and mouthing “I hope you know what you’re doing”, I’m telling you that I trust you. No matter what happens, I love you and I’ll be here for you. So, let’s see where this takes us. I’m actually kind of excited, because this might end up becoming a bit of an adventure in itself. We’ll see what turns up, and we’ll do it together.

I feel good. This has been circulating around in my mind for a little while, and rather than trying to distract myself from it, it was nice to finally face it and organize it all out here.

Anyways! I think I’m going to take that bath now. Before I go though…

I need to remember that, while this is important to me, my main priority this year (and for always), is me. School, family, friends, happiness, self-love and compassion, progressing and learning and growing, getting back on whatever track I was meant to be on. Those are the things that will take up the majority of my efforts as I continue on this year. I just wanted to remind myself of that.

Love love love,

Me.

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