Day 100 – April 10th, 2017

Welcome to the 100th day of the year! While it wasn’t fantastic or whatever, it was pretty good. I wanted to go get the “I” tattoo today and you know what? I should have, instead of staying home all day and watching The Office. Today would have been a good symbolic day for that tattoo, because not only does it represent my family, but also the year that I chose myself. But it’s okay! Maybe today wasn’t meant to be the day. I’m thinking maybe Wednesday, actually.

I can’t believe that we’re already 100 days into the year! There’s only 265 days left and I intend to make the best of them.

Anyways, about yesterday’s conversation with Nick – okay so, right as I was leaving Frankie Tomatto’s, he messaged me and asked me if I had gotten the raise I wanted or quit. And I said neither to both, but that I was planning on getting a second job to supplement some income. He said I was always welcome at the restaurant, and that they’re currently looking for kitchen help, but also servers.

I asked him if it would be weird, and he said no because he thinks that we’ve moved on pretty well and I do agree. But I’m actually really torn. Here’s my thought process:

I want to say that I don’t care about what other people think, but it does sound pretty unorthodox to say that I’m working part time at my ex-boyfriend’s family’s restaurant for the summer, I think. Like I don’t need to tell people my business obviously, I know that. But still. I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t see him often because he’s doing his own thing now with his business and stuff. But seeing his family? I loved them, I really did. Would that be hard for me, to work with them?

And I know I’m not obligated to say yes, and that turning this down wouldn’t be a slap in the face to them. It was super nice of them to suggest it at all, but yeah. Hmm.

I really do need a job though. And he said I could work as whatever I’d like, as many hours as I’d like. I know it’d be hard, but this is what I was intending to do in the first place. So what do I do?

I feel like working there would make it seem as though I was never in love with him, and his family. But I was. And yes, I’ve moved on. But that doesn’t mean I’m superhuman. I don’t know if I’m emotionally and mentally capable of seeing them again on a regular basis, now that things are different. What if at the end of the night, Nick gives me rides home because he doesn’t want me to take the bus?

A couple months ago, I probably would have welcomed this. A huge part of me wanted something physical with him, even if it was just temporarily, because of how amazing our chemistry was. And I’m not even saying that that’s going to be the case, because Nick’s actually a really good guy, and he respects boundaries. And like we said, we’ve moved on. But in all honesty, I don’t trust myself around him, LOL. But now?

I just, don’t know. I feel like the universe just opened up a crossroads for me right now. It’s not taking a step back into the past per se, but forwards – it’s opening up a new pathway, but a pathway that re-intertwines our pathways together once more, to a certain extent. It’s either I choose to do this and go along with what might, or might not, happen. Or, I choose to continue down the pathway I’m on now, on my own, leaving him and his family in my past.

Some of my main motivations for sticking to this pathway that I’m on right now: while I don’t know for sure that taking a job there will re-immerse me in their world, or in my past, I also don’t know that it won’t. And that’s what I’m afraid of. Not the uncertainty. The idea that maybe old feelings will resurface. Because in all honesty… I don’t want them to.

And there it is, the honest truth of it all. I loved Nick. I loved his family. I loved him enough to forgive him for cheating on me, I loved him enough to sacrifice another year of my life to fix our relationship. But I don’t think he’s meant to be my partner. Again, I’m not saying that taking this job will make that become a possibility once more. For all I know, it would be the best job ever and a great way for me to supplement some income, with no muss or fuss whatsoever.

But I have this feeling. Could be my gut, could be my intuition. Could be my imaginings. But I like this pathway that I’m on, moving forward and away from him. And there’s no hard feelings, there really isn’t. But there almost isn’t any feelings at all anymore, except genuine care and friendship, and I think I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t know how taking that job would complicate things, (or not complicate them), but I like how things are right now, in terms of us. I’d like it to stay that way.

I think I have my answer. When I wish him happy birthday day after tomorrow, I’m going to thank him but respectfully decline. And I’ll say that my reasoning is that… I just have other priorities I have to give my time towards right now, like getting my g2 and stuff. And while I appreciate the offer very much, I just can’t accept right now. I really hope that they don’t take offence to my saying no. But, I know that I can’t control others, only myself.

I feel good about this decision. I know that it’s the right one, deep down.

Anyways, moving on. I had a pretty good day today. I got to see Luna for a bit, catch her up over the happenings of this weekend. She’s just as impatient as I am, if not more, LOL. Oh and I filled her in about Marilyn cottoning on to things, and she said she would put an end to things if Marilyn brought it up, phew.

So I’m keeping track of the Leaf’s games coming up, and the next home game for the playoff’s is next Monday, and I’m off. And then Wednesday, which I’m working nights. And I’m not saying he’s going to ask or anything but… man, how I wish that he would. Sigh.

I’m so curious!!!! What’s holding him back?? Is he even holding back, or is there nothing to hold back from?? Is it me, am I not being receptive or open enough?? Am I being too forward? Does he need more time? I just want to know, so I can act and feel accordingly!! And yes, I promised to be patient and wait, but it’s so hard, holy crap. I want him so badly. And yes, I do mean on a deeper more emotional level obviously, because I think we vibe pretty well. But also, it could totally just be me, but the slight teases of physical chemistry here and there are literally driving me insane. I want to jump his bones already, you have no idea.

We’re back to the radio silence again, just like the last time after we saw each other last. And while I understand now that it means nothing, since we go back to normal every time we see each other, it still bugs me because I like talking to him and I hate that we’re only getting to know each other in stilted installments of time, like twice a month. But I also need to remember and remind myself, that maybe this is just how it’s meant to go.

When it’s worth it, when it’s important, when it’s something of real value, then it’s not something that can be rushed or attained easily. It’s something you work for, something you strive towards. And I’ve already agreed with myself, that this is worth the wait. That he, is worth the wait.

So, my only option is, as per usual… patience. Patience and time. Patience, and waiting for my intuition to tell me when the time is right for whatever could be.

And I know that I could put myself out there and tell him how I feel. Because I’m sure of my feelings – I know I like him, that I’m attracted to him, and that I care about him enough to want to know more about him, learn more about who he is as a person and what makes him tick. But, I also get this feeling that, where I may be more in tune and in touch with my emotions, he might not be. I don’t want him to feel obligated or pressured by the certainty of my feelings, if he doesn’t know his own yet. So I’m leaving it up to him. If/whenever he feels he’s ready for more, I’ll be here.

And that’s that! I’m going to continuously try to conduct myself with the utmost awareness and practicality that I can, when it comes to this. Which is slightly difficult, because of how much I love to lose myself in daydreams of scenarios and possibilities because of the good feelings that come along with them. I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to the hormones associated with crushes and stuff, dopamine or phenyl ethylamine or whatever. Sigh.

At least I’ve got a pretty busy week ahead of me! I’ve got to keep myself distracted in the meanwhile.

Wednesday I’m off, and I think I’m going to get my tattoo. And then when I get home, I’m going to look into getting my smart serve and also possibly calling the guy for my g2 lessons.

I know that I have the power to select and cultivate my thoughts, like the way I pick my clothes each morning. But man, is it ever hard when the subject of your thoughts makes you happy and warm and giddy. Those are some addictive feelings, honestly. But I’ll try!

Anyways, I’ll write tomorrow after my shift!

Until then,

Love,

Me.

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