Day 103, April 13th 2017

So my session with my counselor today was amazing. Today, I got to talk about my feelings of inadequacy, feeling unsafe, and feeling like people will leave me. Also my attachment concerns. She helped me to work through them all with EMDR therapy, and here’s what I learned today.

One – I am not powerless. I have control over my reactions, my thoughts, and my emotions. No matter who comes and goes, they do not have the power to leave me destroyed or sad. That decision to react lies with me. I can either move on with my life with a new lesson learnt, or I can choose to self-destruct and blame them from “destroying me”. I love myself too much to do that to me now.

Second – I can be in a relationship, even if there are still things about myself I would like to work on. I can be in a healthy relationship with someone who will challenge me, who will help me heal without me relying on them to carry all of my baggage.

Third – I can and will always feel safe. I will always be enough, to the right person, because I am enough for me.

It was a really good day. She helped me to work through a lot. Now more than ever, I know that whatever may happen with Dylan, or whoever else for that matter, I’ll be just fine. I really and truly will. If I can survive the former love of my life cheating on me multiple times in one night with another girl, I can survive possibly not ending up with a pretty great guy. If it’s not meant to be, then it’s not, and that’s okay.

I had a pretty good day at work too! I connected a bit more with Lianna, learnt a bit more about her and her past. I love that people are able to trust me and vent to me, it really makes me happy. Also, she helped me with what to say to Marilyn about discretion on Saturday, and Marilyn promised she would stop the jokes, so I feel a lot better about that now.

It’s late now, and I just helped my mom with her rib cage, and I told mom and dad about my therapy session and how my counselor took me back to one of my old memories of dad punching the wall and how I related to that memory now. Anyways, it turned into this deep discussion about how I know what I want from my future relationship now, and how I’ve changed and how I’m much stronger than I used to be.

I love how frankly I can talk with my parents now. I feel like the fact that I’m an adult has definitely changed the way I relate to them. I can see them as people more, rather than just my parents. I like the way our relationship keeps growing and changing as I get older.

Anyways! I’m off to an adventure-filled weekend in Niagara for the next three days or so, and I promise to keep up with what happens by typing logs into my phone! I’m looking forward to having some good ol’ fashioned fun!

Until then,

Love,

Me.

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