Day 109 + 110 – April 19th, & 20th

Hello! So I totally forgot to write yesterday, not good! But in my defense, yesterday was a pretty uneventful day, unlike today.

Yesterday, I went back to work after five days of being off. It was nice to get back into things, catch up with people that I missed.

Today was… lots of realizations. Where do I begin?

Okay so firstly, I realized that I can’t afford to work where I work anymore. Yes, I could work on my spending habits in all honesty. I really should. But also, I’m not making enough to save. I need more money than this job is providing me with because I want to be able to save for the future, and also for school. I need to start hustling, and that’s got to happen this summer.

So, I’m thinking that May will be my last month. I just need to get my shit together and stop spending so much money. If I could learn to save and get jobs where I’m making more money, I’d have enough to save AND spend money for school. Time to start being more financially responsible.

This is going to be a good summer. I’m really going to grow up and get all my stuff together. No more being “stuck”. Not when I have so much potential to just… accomplish everything I set out to do.

Speaking of stuck – some of my coworkers and I were having a pretty intense conversation, when one of them broke down crying. It was very intense, but it seemed like she had a lot on her shoulders that she’s been carrying around with her for some time. Sometimes, your body just forces you to release something, even if it’s through tears, in order to bring some kind of peace to your mind. It’s what happens when you spend so much time bottling things up – eventually, something’s going to come out, whether you want it to or not.

Anyways, at one point she and I were talking amongst ourselves, and she apologized for putting so much on me, but I had an epiphany of sorts in that moment. This was it – this is what I want to do for my life. I just want people to know that someone is there to listen. I know how to take care of myself, I’ll do what I have to maintain my own peace of mind – but if I can bring peace, if even a little, to someone else? That would mean the world to me.

That’s why I’ve held onto Psychology for as long as I have. Because I want to be able to understand people, understand how their pasts and what they’ve been through contributed to who they are as people now, and why. I want to be able to relate, to maybe help them process if they’re suffering or unable to break out of unhealthy life cycles. I just want to help.

I’ve got to get through all of this. I need to get back on track. Something in me is telling me that this is it, this is the summer. This is what I’m meant to do, some way, some how. And if I don’t make any changes now, I’ll forever settle for less, less than what I deserve. It’s time to take matters into my own hands. In doing so, my happiness will be under my jurisdiction, and no one else’s.

It’s not enough to just say this stuff though, I’ve got to do it. I have to get my smart serve. I have to get my G2. I need to be more financially responsible. I can’t go on living like I’m made of money forever. I have to say no to myself sometimes, and to others, and exercise that control.

I feel good though. I think I haven’t been in this good of a place in my life for a very long time, and I want to keep it going.

This is the first time in a long time I’ve felt ready enough to let go. To move forward.

We’ll see how things unfold. I think I’m going to either start my smart serve tomorrow, or Sunday, since I’m off. But now that I’ve spoken my intentions into the universe, I know the shift is coming. I’ve manifested what I wanted. Time to make it really happen.

I’ll write tomorrow before I leave to Leila’s house! Lianna is coming over to dye Olivia’s hair, so that’ll be nice.

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

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