Day 111 + 112 – April 21st & 22nd, 2017

Hello! Okay so I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because things got really busy, and then I came home today briefly but left to work within an hour. Man, time is flying these days.

So yesterday went great! Lianna came over to dye Olivia’s hair, and we watched 50 Shades Darker and ate pizza. Olivia’s hair turned out amazingly, of course; Lianna is so freaking talented at what she does.

After that, I headed over to Leila’s, and I cooked dinner for them and we finished an entire bottle of wine, LMAO. And then later on, we started drinking straight whiskey on the rocks. It was a good night, I love hanging out with them. My best friends make my heart happy.

Today went well too! I had a work shift and Lianna and Marilyn closed with me, so it was fun.

I sat outside by myself for a little while today. I was wondering, asking my inner self, my intuition – why now? Why does it feel right to leave, all of a sudden? The more I say it out loud, the more I know it’s meant to happen. I’m risking a lot though – the stability, the flexibility of the shifts. I’m sacrificing the ease of this job, being able to basically hang out all day with people I genuinely like, just because I want to make more money.

Not to mention, if I were to just be more financially responsible, I probably could have saved money quite efficiently with this job as it is. I have no expenses – no car payments, no mortgage, no rent to pay. Just a phone bill every now and then. So, why?

I can’t explain it, but there’s this… it’s this feeling, that the universe is shifting and this is what I’m supposed to do for myself now. No matter the risk, no matter sacrificing the comfort. No matter what happens, I’m going to be okay, I know that within me. But it’s just time. The time has come.

It makes me feel good, to think that I’m leaving. I’ll miss my coworkers so much, because they’ve become like a second family to me. I’ll miss the routine, the stability and the safety that the comfort of this job provided me with. But, I wanted to take this summer off to really work hard so… that’s what I got to do. This job is easy, and I’ve been very lucky. Even if I did become more financially responsible – I need more money, I just do.

And one day, I know I am well-liked by enough people to maybe be able to come back as a demo. Maybe not right away, but at least this won’t be goodbye forever.

That way, my hours will be even more flexible, and I will be able to focus on school the way I should.

I’m just going to continue to go with my instincts on this. I know they won’t lead me wrong, because I’m really trying to listen to myself now, more than ever. This self-awareness isn’t going anywhere, I promise that to me.

Anyways! Something else I wanted to talk about – earlier on this week, the cute guy that I met Drake Hotel asked me to hang out some time, and I didn’t reply because I wasn’t really into it, in all honesty. So, he messaged earlier today saying “I’m guessing that’s a no? lol”

In all fairness, I did ghost, right after saying I felt we had a bit of a connection, which isn’t really fair of me. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me either. So I can either adult-up, be mature and message him saying I’m not really into seeing anyone at the moment. Or, I can just leave the message me, read it eventually and not reply.

I tried to imagine myself going to hang out with this guy, as casually as possible even, even if it was just like a friendly hang out and not a date. But… I don’t know. I’m not scared, that’s not the feeling that comes up. I’m just, not… looking? I’m not trying to date anyone else right now. I’m not interested in getting into any kind of relationship with anyone at this moment, even if it was just casual and not serious.

I had a realization the other day, and it’s this: this is the happiest I’ve been, on my own, in the longest time. I’ve been so, so incredibly happy just being with me, spending time with me, living for me and doing my own thing.

Yes, I miss being in a relationship sometimes. I miss the best friendship of me and Nick’s relationship. I miss having a show-buddy to cuddle up to and watch Netflix with, I miss inside jokes and long text conversations, I miss hanging out with someone and trying new stuff and seeing movies. I love relationships, I always will.

But, I’m also very happy with just, being with me right now.

Which takes me to my next topic: Dylan.

 

I don’t think he’ll be in this weekend, partially due to the fact he seems to be really, really busy with exams. But, I’m guessing as things get closer to Mother’s Day, that maybe he’ll get some hours with someone, somehow. At least, I’m hoping. Because, if May really does end up being my last month as I’m intending it to be, and he has no intention of asking me to hang out, then… well, I won’t be seeing him for a very, very long time. And if I don’t get demo hours, chances are, I won’t see him at all.

I know that life has a funny way of working things out. I still can’t quite tell the direction in which this is supposed to go in, which I’ve come to terms with finally but… still, can’t help but wonder sometimes.

Was I only meant to meet him because he was just meant to show me I deserve more, and better, but that’s it? Was it just a little nudge from the universe, but nothing more than that? Every time we do work together, I feel like I’m immediately drawn to his energy, and I have to consciously make the effort to stay away. How is it possible that he hasn’t picked up on that yet? Or, what if he has?

Man, I would love to have all the answers to these questions. But, I’m also equally as happy to know that I’m also okay with not having the answers right now. I know that eventually they’ll come, and even if they don’t, then maybe I just wasn’t meant to know.

As per usual, I’m letting the universe guide me on this one. I’ll do my best to listen, not only to the signs but also to myself.

So tomorrow, I think I might be going to Maple Leaf’s Square to watch Game 6 of the Leafs vs. Caps. Should be fun! I might possibly go out with Rose and her friend after, but my mom made a pretty good point today.

She said she wanted to talk to me, and she reiterated that I need to be more serious now and a little less focused on just having fun. In all fairness, she’s totally right – I can’t waste my life (and money) away, just focused on having a good time. I’ve already told myself I’ve got to grow up, so maybe this is the universe’s way of reiterating that knowledge. I know my mom cares more deeply than anyone else ever can, or will. And I respect her. I’m in a place now where I can acknowledge what she’s trying to say without getting defensive or stressed out. Things are getting better. It was a little tricky at first, (damn you hormones), but I think I did really well. I’m protecting myself with the knowledge that I know everything’s going to work out exactly as it’s meant to.

Anyways, I think I shall head to bed now! This was a good log, I feel like I haven’t really gotten in touch with me in a while, like in the past couple logs. It was good to be able to get a little introspective in this one, catch up with myself.

I’ll write tomorrow afternoon! We’ll see what tomorrow has in store for me. Until then!

Love,

Me.

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