Day 91 + 92 – April 1st & 2nd, 2017

Okay so, yesterday I got really caught up in binging this really good show on Netflix called “13 Reasons Why” and I totally and completely forgot to write yesterday’s log! Not cool, I can’t slack on my daily logs like that. Okay, so what did I miss?

Friday night was fun – the dinner went really well, and then after, Chloe and I spontaneously went to go watch Beauty and the Beast. It was incredible!!! I had not a single complaint about the way it was made. If anything, I even loved the additions they made to the film, including the new song numbers. I would definitely watch it again; it was so, so good.

Yesterday (Saturday, April 1st), my mom spontaneously decided that we should all go for a sushi lunch, which was really nice. I made everyone put their technologies away so that we could actually converse with each other instead of just sitting together and staring at screens. I really want to stop being on my phone as much as I am – I don’t want to be one of those people who miss out on life because of how desperately people want to capture and share every passing moment of their lives. Social media really is a disease. I’ve bought into it, for sure, I can admit that – but I can also be aware of how much I don’t want it to rule my life.

I want to experience life without feeling that incessant urge to document every moment that I encounter. I want to be able to make memories for myself, in my head, ones that I can reflect on and feel deeply, instead of needing those moments to be shared, seen and validated by others.

The best thing I could do for myself is probably to delete it all, and just live life the way it was meant to be lived. But, I can admit that I am an addict, so baby steps. I’ll try to use it less than I do now. When and if I go away again, I can commit to not uploading pictures and snapchats and stories in every day of my vacation. If I’m going to take pictures, I can take them for myself instead of needing to share them with the world immediately. And then maybe eventually, I can get rid of two or three of the social media outlets that I don’t necessarily need.

It’s good to be aware. It’s good to unplug sometimes and realize what this society is doing to us. I don’t want to live in a world where talking to strangers or starting up a conversation with the person next to you becomes out of norm, or outdated. Humans live and thrive off of social contact and ironically, social media is killing it slowly without us even realizing. I don’t want our interactions to be limited solely to through a little glass screen, or through likes and views. I don’t want deep, thought-provoking conversations to die out because of how easily we can vocalize ourselves through the internet to a world of people who don’t necessarily care, or care too much.

And while I’m on this train of thought, I think it’s about time we bring back the Summer Bucket list. The last time I did this list was 2013, and it was amazing. I did so, so much. And, seeing as I’ve decided to not do summer school for the first time in years, I think it’s about time that I start bringing back some adventure into my summer. Summer used to be a transformative time for me, and I think I’d like to bring that back. After all, as of tomorrow after 10:30, technically my summer begins! Holy crap. Yeah, I’m definitely bringing back the Bucket List. Should that be a separate log though..? Hmm.

Actually you know what, no. This log was meant to document everything I went through, experienced, and learned this year and that will include this summer.

Okay so! I’m just going to add everything that comes to my mind to this list, big or small, and see how it goes. Let’s go!

Summer 2017 Bucket List

  1. Sleep beneath the stars.
    2. Spend some time at the cottage with your favourite people.
    3. Do my driving lessons, in class & on road.
    4. Proceed to get my G2, within this summer.
    5. Get a second job, work more hours to make money so that I can save for school (and myself).
    6. Go back to Chainsaw in Waterloo and sing a sappy, romantic love ballad.
    7. Go on road trips. (Friends AND family!)
    8. Figure out what I really want from life.
    9. Finally get that feeling of being “back on track”.
    10. Go camping.
    11. Roast marshmallows on a fire.
    12. Go swimming as much as I can, anywhere.
    13. Go fishing, (and maybe get my own fishing rod).
    14. Adventure around downtown late at night/all night.
    15. Spend as much time as I can with the people I love.
    16. Leave the country; explore another one, if financially possible.
    17. Try new food and new food places as much as I can.
    18. Go to a baseball game.
    19. Start running/working out more, be more active.
    20. Read as many books as I can, all kinds.
    21. Movie marathon: Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, maybe even Star Wars if I can get through it.
    22. Take a moment, if not every day then at least 4-5 times a week, to meditate and breathe.
    23. Start painting again.
    24. Upload more photos to my makeup Instagram.
    25. Enjoy morning tea/barbecues/family time out on our patio.
    26. Host another patio party.
    27. Visit everyone at their universities this summer.
    28. Do another trip like Montreal or Niagara with the fam-squad.
    29. Laugh and find joy in every moment that I can; be spontaneous.
    30. Stop documenting every moment of my life on social media. Use it less.
    31. Be fearless. Do something that fear was holding me back from doing.
    32. Dance in the rain.
    33. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
    34. Go out and have crazy nights where you barely remember anything (but responsibly, too).
    35. Listen to new music.
    36. Swim in a lake, by yourself.
    37. Learn how to do something totally new, teach yourself.
    38. Continue to fall in love with yourself, as deeply as you can.
    39. Forgive yourself and get past the guilt you have towards yourself, have more self-compassion.
    40. Make time for yourself and the things you enjoy doing.
    41. Go on a date. (If/when you’re ready to).
    42. Take yourself out on a date (i.e. movie/dinner/AGO/ROM).
    43. Get a gym membership, and then try yoga if it’s available to you.
    44. Finish and hand in your petition.
    45. Put the Christmas lights back up in your room, and then on the patio.
    46. Build a blanket fort and spend the entire day in bed.
    47. Go to Scarborough Bluffs.
    48. Go to Sauble, Wasaga and one other beach you’ve never been to before.
    49. Tell a certain someone how you feel (when/if the timing is right).
    50. Enjoy every single moment that this summer has to offer, as though it were your last.

If more things come to me as time passes on, I’ll continue to add to the list. Maybe there’ll even be things that aren’t on this list that I do, that will become a part of it! Technically, as of tomorrow, my summer will be about five months long, holy crap. The amount of things I can do/get done in this time can be incredible, if I seek to make it that way. And I do – I intend to make it an absolutely amazing summer, filled to the brim with memories, laughter, growth, learning, and beautiful moments. I’m looking forward to it all!

Tomorrow is the three month mark of me and Nick breaking up. I have to go back to my old logs, so that I can ask myself the questions I promised I would when this day came around. Oddly enough, it feels as though more time than that has passed.

It’s almost Day 93 now. I ended up going back to the start of my old logs and then I got lost in reading them. I never realized how addictive it is to get lost in the past, even if it is just recent past. I need to be careful with that, because these logs are carefully preserving everything I’ve experienced in this year and I can easily get lost in it all if I allow myself too. While it’s a good thing to self-reflect and see how far you’ve come, it’s not particularly a good thing to lose yourself in times that have passed, no matter how good they make you feel.

After tomorrow, I’m going to have an abundance of free time. I’m glad I’ve made my list, because I don’t want that time to pass by with no productivity or learning or growth. There’s a lot I would like to accomplish in the next five months, and I know I’ll get to it all somehow.

So I’m currently listening to this song that I discovered in that show I was watching. The song is called “The Night We Met”, by Lord Huron. It’s so full of nostalgia and a little melancholy, but I love it so much.

I read a little of my old logs about Dylan.

I don’t know if it’s this song that’s making me feel this way but… actually, you know what, I’ve got to get myself out of my head and focus on other things this week. I let myself get caught up in the really good addictive feelings that a crush can bring about, but I can’t let that be my sole focus or priority. And while I know this (I’m not trying to lecture myself or be condescending towards myself at all), I just… I don’t know. I’m scared. Of everything, of so much. It’s hard to remove and extricate myself from my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I get caught up so easily.

I need some clarity. The same old thoughts and feelings have been replaying in my head in a loop for a while. I need to put it out of my head for a while, and then come back to it with fresh eyes later.

Let’s talk frankly then.

I don’t need to be scared. I’m not in any rush towards anything or anyone. I’m perfectly happy on my own right now. No one is going anywhere, and whatever is meant for me, will find me. I’d like to work with the universe to manifest my intentions, for sure – but I’m also trying to work with the timing of it all. What I need, more than anything, is patience. To be unattached – not completely, but enough not to be so concerned with the “results” of it all. I get attached to the idea of things very easily.

I have seen, time and time again, the way the world works. When you want something bad enough, if it’s meant for you, it can happen. But it’s got to be meant for you. I know you can make things happen for yourself, I know that. But this is a whole other human being we’re talking about here. I can’t just take only my feelings and wants into consideration. Eventually, I’m going to have to find a way to learn about what he wants. If our needs and wants don’t coincide, then it is what it is! Life goes on.

I have this tendency to make things so much bigger than they actually are, in my head. Putting things into perspective – okay, so I haven’t seen or heard from him in over a week. But, we both have lives, school, I have work, he has training and so many things to deal with in terms of his own health and his mom and everything else. We both have bigger priorities.

I like him. Those feelings aren’t going anywhere for a while. When the time is right, I’ll tell him. Or maybe, I won’t have to. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I need to be okay with this fact.

^ There it is. The reason, the root of all of this uncertainty and fear and overthinking, the be-all and end-all. My lack of control in this situation. THAT’S WHAT’S GETTING ME! I finally get it!

Well honey, I’m going to quote something here that recently just resonated with you: “life is unpredictable and control is just an illusion”.

I will never be happy until I can accept that I cannot control every aspect of my life and the things I will experience. While I have direct influence over my choices and decisions, I have to accept that I cannot control people, their reactions, the things that happen as a result, or anything outside of myself really. And when I accept this truth, then I will be able to breathe easier. Life will be easier to get through. Admit that you do not have control over anything, but yourself. And live accordingly.

Late night thoughts are always pretty therapeutic. Let go. Let go of the need to have complete power over your experiences, the desire to control your outcomes. Let go, and see what happens. Do what you can where you can, but let go of the rest. Be happy. Let life happen.

Okay. I can do this. I can let go.

Whatever happens, happens. Que sera, sera.

Okay! Good stuff. I feel good. A lot less frazzled for sure. I got to start making that meditation a priority. And working out, seriously. I need outlets for all of this pent-up energy I have.

I can’t wait for Easter weekend – Leila, Chloe, Adelaide and I will be going away for the weekend to Niagara!!! I’m so excited, it’s going to be so fun to get away a little bit with some of my favourites. First road trip of the summer! I can’t wait.

Alright then! Bring on the possibilities, the excitement to follow, and whatever is meant for me. I’m ready. I have that excitement again, the buzzing in my heart. I’m ready for whatever this month is going to bring to me, and what I’m going to run after, full-tilt. Because, what’s life if you’re not running towards the things you want most for yourself, right? Let’s do this.

I’ll write tomorrow after my exam! Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s