Day 93 – April 3rd, 2017

This week has already gotten off to the most amazing start possible!!! So, I got my essay back, the one I forced myself to write after pulling an all-nighter the night before the essay was due. I literally finished within a couple minutes of having to leave the house to class. And guess what.

I GOT ANOTHER A!!! Not only that, he wrote that my essay was the strongest essay he had received! He said it was perceptive and very well written, and he congratulated me. BEST. DAY. EVER.

I’m so, so proud of myself but also man… if I just applied myself, if I really allowed myself to try to the fullest extent of the capabilities I know I have, the things I could accomplish. I AM intelligent! I’m so, so smart, I’m capable of anything I set my mind to, and the world just keeps proving that to me as I prove it to myself. I’m happy for me. Despite everything, I deserved this, I really did.

I came home, I just worked out for about an hour and I feel great. After this log, I think I’m going to go to my room and organize my cupboard and drawers and really get into that “spring cleaning” mode – I’m so tired of everything being so cluttered in my little corner! It’s about time I get things cleaned up anyways. I’ll blast some super happy uplifting music and get to that. And then, when I’ve done everything I set out to do today, then maybe I’ll finish some of the books I’ve started but never finished. Or play COD. Or watch shows or a movie! Who knows! The possibilities are endless. I can do whatever the hell I want.

I knew that this week would be brimming with good mojo and positivity. I’m going to go back to work tomorrow (can’t wait to see everyone), and when I get home, I’ll work out again. And again on Wednesday, before I go to see Leila. Literally just anything I can do makes such a difference for my body. I got to get back into it, I really do. Oh and, I can’t forget to meditate today! I think I’ll check out the techniques that Ryan sent me, because to me he’s like a master at being centered and I aspire to reach the level of self-awareness that he has.

One last thing before I go that’s weighing slightly on my little heart, despite my best attempts to ignore and pretend it’s not there: I posted a snap of my essay mark on my story, because eh, what the hell. I work hard, (occasionally), and I’m super proud of myself. Anyways, I was on the bus daydreaming that Dylan would snapchat message me about it, and when I turned on my data, it turned out that he did.

It was a couple of clapping emojis, which was nice of him. I took that opportunity to attempt to strike up a conversation – I asked how his mom was doing, and also him, what with the stuff he went through last week with his chest. He replied, friendly as ever but… I don’t know. My mind is doing that thing again where I want to retreat as far and as fast as I can, despite my earlier promises to hold onto this. I just don’t want to get hurt! I don’t want to waste my time investing my feelings in something or someone who just, isn’t interested in me. I don’t know how to know for sure! I know I can’t, I accepted that fact last night when I admitted that I do not have control when it comes to this but… I just, don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m setting myself up for possible pain. I love myself too much for that now.

Dilemma, dilemma. A couple nights ago, before I went to sleep, I asked the universe for help. I asked it to give me a sign. I remember, years ago, asking the universe for this before, and the signs came because I wanted them badly enough. So maybe, I just have to keep reminding myself to be more patient. Time will tell all, I’m sure. I know that he isn’t the kind of guy who would ever want to hurt anyone intentionally. I’m worried of putting myself through pain because of everything I feel. But I guess I’ve lived long enough to know that pain is temporary, all things pass, but the lessons you learn as a result are invaluable and you will always take those with you.

I don’t know what the best course of action here is. Do I let go and let him come to me? Or do I try to show him that I’m interested, because it isn’t fair to expect him to put all the effort in? What if I let go and he thinks I’m not interested and decides not to do anything, as a result? What if I decide to put effort in, but I come off too strong and it pushes him away? ARGH BRAIN, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!?

STOP.

This is ridiculous. Seriously! I love me, I really do but… this is nuts. LET GO. Let goooooo, let go and see what happens. PLEASE. Stop driving yourself insane, over this one person.

^ I think that was my inner me talking. Okay, intuition, I’m asking you… anything else you’d like to say?

If your heart were a person, she’d be trembling and cowering in fear right now. Why? Because of you, brain. You attach so much significance to such insignificant things, create all of these scenarios in your head that don’t even exist, and then you feel and think accordingly, creating unnecessary emotions and reactions. You’ve got to stop. We love every part of our self, we do, but some things have got to change. I think you need to learn how to detach yourself from situations like this, because you care too deeply about the wrong things.

Care about the way he cares about his mom. Care about the in person interactions, don’t overthink them. Care about the person behind all of this… “potential” for a relationship you’re so concerned about. Learn about this person before you decide you want to invest in them. This person is a living, breathing human being with concerns, fears, sadness, victories, dreams, goals and so much more. Instead of blindly losing yourself in the feelings that those stupid feel-good hormones pump through your head, why don’t you actively make an effort to be aware that he has needs/wants too. Get your head out of your ass, and your heart out of its emotions, and I say that with the sincerest amount of love and compassion I can muster. It’ll be better for you, and whatever ends up happening, in the long run. Okay?

Okay. You’re right. I need to get my head out of my head, in all honesty. Hard habit to cultivate, but I need to learn how to do this. I’m going to end up making myself suffer over pretty much nothing because of the weight I attach to insignificant things.

And you know what? I’m not writing about this anymore! I’m giving it way too much relevance. And no, I’m not saying this spitefully or out of fear. I need to do this for me. If something comes up later on, then I’ll give it the time it needs and address it accordingly. That’s it.

Okay, I’m going to go organize my room now that I’ve organize my thoughts, LOL. Honestly though, all things aside – I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m not that person anymore; I don’t want to be the girl who obsesses over the tiniest little things. I just, I don’t have it left in me anymore to buckle myself into a one person emotional roller coaster. What’s meant for me will come to me. I got to believe in that somehow.

Self-compassion. Go.

I’m not mad at you and I’m not going to let you feel ashamed or embarrassed by the depth of your emotions and how intently you begin to care about things. If the world cared more than it was indifferent, so many things in this world would be different. Don’t ever forget that your depth for care is one of your greatest strengths. But also, remember that there are things that deserve your “fucks”, and things where you really shouldn’t give your fucks away that easily. Love you! Stay true to you, boo. Don’t ever change.

Thanks self. Got to remind myself sometimes you know.

Alright, I feel better! I’m going to go be productive now. I’ll write tomorrow after work! Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 93 continued…

So, I totally forgot this morning that today was also the three month mark of the break up! Here’s what I’m supposed to be asking myself:

“On April 3rd, 2017, the three month mark of today, I want to ask myself – how do you feel about him now? Did you do the right thing? Do you regret it? And, are you happy?

Three months ago, on this day, I was hurting. I was desolate. I was so sure that Nick and I would find our way back to one another. My heart ached over losing my best friend. And now?

How do you feel about him now? Today, while I was cleaning out my closet, I finally found a place to put the box of memories away. I couldn’t help but peek in, pick up the little pizza hat and think about his strange sense of humor, so similar to my own. I read the little birthday note. I took a look at all the movie ticket stubs we amassed over the years, due to our love of watching movies together. The arcade tickets, the photo booth pictures of us, smiling and happy in a time that has long passed. Later on, I even smelled his sweater, and all the memories of hugging him and being held by him came back, almost as though he were there with me.

These past three months, I’ve been getting along so well. I haven’t missed him at all. Today, I let myself miss him a little. The comfort of our old relationship. The feeling of being held. Being with someone who wanted me, all of me, always. I miss all of that.

However, I’m happy on my own, I really am. I haven’t felt lonely, or unhappy. I’ve been so satisfied and content with my own company. Sometimes I get a little restless. But the difference from then to now? Monumental.

Did you do the right thing? Yes. Without a doubt, yes. We’re going to be so, so much better for our breaking up – our next relationships will be healthier, sounder, because we’ll be more comfortable and happy with whom we’ve become as a result of what we gave up. From talking recently, I can see that he and I have grown and come so far within the past three months, more so than we have within the three years we were together. The adversity of us breaking up took away our safety blanket of comfort and challenged us to move beyond who we were. It was meant to happen, I really believe that. Which ties in to the next question…

Do you regret it? Not even a little.

And lastly, are you happy? I’m happier than I’ve been in so, so long. While I miss being in a relationship sometimes because of how much I miss affection and that form of human contact, I’m comfortable with myself, finally. I’m happy with everything I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come. I’m proud of my self-awareness and my conscious, continuous efforts to better myself and grow.

Am I being honest with myself right now…?

Well, my heart’s a little sore right now over some other stuff, stuff that I promised myself I’m going to let go of, right. Tomorrow’s brand new day so hopefully it won’t be as sore anymore.

Other than that, yes, I was being sincere and honest. I really am happy. I hope he’s happy too.

Anyways, that’s about it! I cleaned out my closet like I promised I would, and everything looks great. Once my nails dry out, I think I’ll head to bed so I can get up bright and early for work tomorrow! I can’t wait. I miss everyone! I’ll write tomorrow after work.

Until then,

Love,

Me.

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