Day 96 – April 6th, 2017

I’m going to puke, that’s how nervous I feel right now. Why? Because. Tomorrow is Friday. And it’s the weekend. And Dylan’s in. Ah.

I know this is mostly in my head, but it feels like this weekend is… I don’t know, the defining point. Which is silly, because really there shouldn’t be any timeline when it comes to this, I know better than to abide by a timeline. But after the highs of that week in March and then the (possibly self-perceived) off-ness of our last shift together and then the silence, I need peace of mind. Is it just me now, who feels this way? Do I hold on like my heart wants to or let go like my brain is asking me to?

Here it is universe, I’m asking for a sign this weekend. I promise to be open and receptive, despite how terrified I am. I just, want to know.

I keep running through the reasons I like him, in my head. I think it’s in an effort to show myself that this isn’t some stupid crush based off of what I know about him, or his appearance. He’s a good person. Compassionate, and as far as I know, pretty selfless.

I recently did an exercise from “Choosing Me before We”, searching for the core four values I want to manifest in my partner. And in all the imaginings, and what I came up with so far, I’ve got to admit that it seems as though he has a lot of the qualities that are important to me.

I’m nervous and scared for tomorrow because I’m so scared to be disappointed. I would hate if my stupid logical brain was right. I want my heart to be in the right, for once. I suppose it’s all up to me, whether I decide to be disappointed or not, when it comes down to it. My reactions will always be my choice, no matter how I may feel.

I want this so bad. I really do. But I don’t know if it’s meant for me. I wish I could know.

Okay. I promise to myself right now – I’m going to be myself tomorrow. Happy, bubbly, make conversation when the opportunity arises but not any more than that. I’ll be normal and friendly and not avoid him out of how nervous he now makes me, LOL. Just confident and positive, as per usual. Whatever happens, happens. And after this weekend, I’ll see how I proceed. Maybe… maybe there won’t be anywhere to proceed to. And if that’s the case, that’s okay.

Okay, that feels good. Plus everyone I like is in tomorrow too, so it should be a good day.

I just talked to Olivia, and she helped me come to a further plan too; I’ll see how this weekend goes, and if afterwards I’m still unsure, I can somehow talk to Sera – not to involve her or get her in the middle, but ask if she can straight up tell me if maybe, this isn’t the right timing for my feelings. I would rather the pain of the truth than this insufferable uncertainty.

Oh world. I wish I knew what you had in store for me. But man, what a wild journey it’s been so far. I think I’m going to finish off my core four and say it out loud, officially.

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift! Wish me luck. And by the way, self…

Be yourself. Be that effervescent, bubbly, out-going, happy-go-lucky, confident person that you KNOW you are. Whatever is meant for you will find you. Know that. Believe in that. Okay?

Okay.

Until tomorrow,

Love, love, love,

Me.

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