Hello, I’m back. It’s 1:15 am and I know I said I would write today after work but, I just finished “Me before We” and now I have some realizations that I NEED TO MAKE NOTE OF so that I don’t forget.
Firstly. Fear. Fear has me creating timelines. Fear has me creating ultimatums. Fear has me needing to know things, has me needing certainty above everything else. Fear has me sacrificing the authenticity and naturalness of progression for the sake of security and comfort. No more.
Secondly. I like Dylan enough to want to get to know HIM as a person, at whatever pace is comfortable for us both. I respect that he is a person with dreams, goals, deep fears or desires for life, or maybe he doesn’t even know what he wants for himself yet, or maybe he’s still learning about whom he is as a person and what his role is in this life too. He’s on his own path.
I will not let my deep need for security and certainty (that is borne out of fear) drive me to put a timeline or ultimatum on this. If he’s guarded, then you know what? I’ll wait for him to lower his walls. If anything, I want to do what I can to help him lower them, if he’s willing to. If he’s simply not in a place in his life where he wants a partner because he is still working on himself, then I need to accept that. That deeply romantic part of myself says she’s willing to wait, but I can’t promise myself that either.
I’ve finally come to that place that I’ve been struggling to get to, all this time.
The feelings are still there, but they feel lighter now. They’re not intensified by fear to the point of anxiety or nervousness. They’re not weighed down by all of my imaginings and musings over the potential of a relationship. They just, are. Please, for the love of YOURSELF, please, please remember this feeling.
Third realization – I will be perfectly okay with whatever happens with this, no matter the outcome. I love myself deeper than I ever have, in my entire life. Whatever I thought love was before, whatever I may have experienced of “love” in my past relationships palls in comparison to the deep and intense love I feel for myself. And now, because I am falling in love with myself, the way I love others has changed. It is deeper, and more meaningful. My relationships with others have more meaning. I want to express my love for others. I want to be kinder, compassionate, more thoughtful and considerate towards others. I enjoy being vulnerable and open now because I’m finally being honest with myself, after all this time.
No more rushing. I’ve finally come to terms with where I am in life, and I am in no rush to get to some imaginary “finish line”, so I want the same for this. I’m not in any rush to get into a relationship. I do not want to rush getting to know this person, for the sake of being certain about where things could go. Rather, I just want to really and truly accept where I am as things go on. I really do want to go along with the ride, and if it stops, that’s okay. Because then, that means he wasn’t meant for me. And, because I now know I will never settle for anything less than what, or who, I deserve, everything’s going to be okay.
No more fear. No more getting caught up in my own head, my thoughts, or my feelings. If I’m going to practice awareness in my life, then I need to practice it in every aspect of it.
And just like that, the nervousness is gone. All that remains is excitement. No more expectations and no more plans. Whatever happens, happens.
Never again will I sacrifice respect, trust, intimacy or truth for the sake of a relationship, for the sake of what I believe “love” is. I want an authentic partnership that feeds my soul and spirit, and does the same for the person who chooses to walk alongside me on our pathways of life.
My past two relationships were fine examples of what I do not want, or what is not right for me. And because of them, I now know for sure, without a doubt, what it is that I do need and want from my future partnership. Neither of those relationships were failures – they were great teachers, and I regret neither of them. I am lucky to have experienced them as early as I have.
I think I got so attached to Dylan (or the idea of him, if I’m going to be honest with myself), because of how much of my new-found values he seems to embody. I’ve directly experienced the selflessness, the compassion. I’ve heard from Sera and others about it as well. We’ve had conversations about the adventurousness, the thrill of getting lost. I’ve witnessed his level of independence. I’ve watched fondly how affectionate he is towards Sera. Consequently, my mind and heart immediately latched itself onto the idea that we could have found the perfect guy for us. But therein lies the problem – “the perfect guy”.
Dylan is Dylan, and no one is perfect. I know him to a certain extent, we’ve talked and established a bit of a friendship, but I don’t know him. I don’t know what keeps him up at night. I don’t know what his past was like, how it made him feel, how it affected the way he thinks and relates to the world now. I don’t know the depth to which the betrayal he experienced has contributed to who he is as a person now. We’ve skimmed over some of his passions – his MMA training, his love for hockey, but what in life makes his heart skip a beat? What experiences has he not had yet that he yearns for?
I need to start treating him like a real person, and not just a possibility for a great relationship. He is not an idea. And he deserves more respect than that.
This is all good stuff. I’m glad that I decided to come back and write down these realizations.
Now, I can really be normal tomorrow, LOL. Back to the way I was before I started getting all caught up in my thoughts and feelings. This was the revelation that I was so desperately searching for without even realizing how badly I needed it. Self-awareness is a constant effort but I’m committed to it. I need it and want it for the rest of my life. No more autopilot, ever again.
Well, that’s about it for now! I still have this entire day ahead of me, and now, it’s brimming with real opportunity and excitement. I’m looking forward to letting things unfold as they’re meant to, with no expectations.
Until later tonight! I love me, I always will, and I’m so happy that I’ve finally fallen in love with the one person I was meant to love for the duration of my entire life – myself.
Day 97 continued…
Hello, hello! So all in all, today was so, so much fun. Like I said, all the best people were in so the shift just flew by because of how much we were all laughing and talking. Everyone’s energy was just so good and buoyant and now I’m in a fantastic mood, hehe.
On the down side, Dylan was a morning shift today (although he was actually supposed to be nights), so I didn’t get to see him at all. Which is fine, just another day really. Like I said, I’m no longer in any rush. If today wasn’t meant to be, so be it.
On the brighter side though, when I was about to tell Sera about my essay, she already knew because Dylan told her! Which means, he still brings me up to her time to time, and that’s a good sign to me. I’m going to focus on the positives here.
I think I’m going to have to start being careful about how much I ask about him to Marilyn because it seems like she’s starting to pick up on things, and I’m just not ready to talk to her about it yet. Or anyone really, for that matter, other than the people who already know.
Anyways, I found out that he’s nights tomorrow so at least I’ll see him then. Again, no expectations! I’m just happy I’ll be able to see him, and that’s about it.
I’m happy. It’s nice to be able to appreciate the good days.
After this weekend, I’ve got to start looking into driving schools because after Maria comes back from vacation, I’m going to have more time and I want to use that time to be as productive as I can be! I definitely have to keep reminding myself of this fact.
That’s about it for today! I’m going to change into my pajamas now, get comfy and maybe watch a couple episodes of the Office until I get tired. I really need to stop sleeping in because I think it’s starting to wreck my sleeping habits. I don’t want to be a nocturnal creature! I used to LOVE waking up early and getting the most out of my day. I need to learn how to get back to that, maybe I should add it to my bucket list.
I’ll write tomorrow after my shift! I’m hoping for yet another amazing day.