Day 116 – April 26th, 2017

So, I got the job within ten minutes of the second interview with the GM, LOL. That being said… WOO HOO! go me, go me, go me *victory dance*. Everything feels so surreal. I waited maybe about half an hour. Caroline talked to me for like five minutes out (probably as a formality) but it was very casual and she wanted me to meet the GM right away.

He was really nice, very straight forward and professional. Caroline told me to be myself, so I made myself more comfortable and answered his questions as honestly as I could, and I think that’s what actually made me get the job! He liked my personality, demeanor, that I was very self-aware and how friendly I was.

But man, it was a little overwhelming to be taken on so quickly. There wasn’t much structure or paper work, I asked how many hours a week and it’s more so “shifts” per week, and I committed to full time without really thinking things through.

Now I realize, I don’t want to leave my current job. If I can work a couple shifts here and there at the restaurant, I’ll be making extra money on top of what I get from the my current job, AND I’ll still get to keep my job since it’s so close by. They’re right next to each other, a walk away! It’d be perfect.

So tomorrow, I’m going to call Caroline and ask if I can commit to less hours. If that’s a no-go, it’s okay. I think the idea of leaving is what made me realize, that I don’t want to leave. I can handle the pressures of my current job. But I’m not ready to gamble it all and risk losing a job I really like, just because I want more money.

We’ll see how the call goes tomorrow! It’s nice to know that I was wanted so quickly. I feel bad for being so wishy-washy, but everything happened so fast and everything has been so up in the air for me, I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s best for me, BY me. Jobs will come and go but my happiness should always be my priority and my constant. I know that now.

Anyways, I have tomorrow off so I’m going to do my smart serve, and study up on all the restaurant stuff that Nate (the GM) wanted me to learn by the time training came around. I’ll give Caroline a call, explain what I’d like in regards to a compromise if possible, and apologize for any inconvenience. At least I know now, that if I want another job, I can have it. I think I just needed to know that.

I had a good work shift today! I caught up with Luna, which was nice because I missed her. And I heard about Daniella’s date, and I’m so happy that she’s met such a gentlemanly guy, very old fashioned and chivalrous.

I treated myself to three new Paolo Coelho books today, which I’m excited to delve into. I got head to toe goosebumps at one point because the main character’s name in one of the books is EXTREMELY similar to my own. And, as I read further into it, she sounds so much like me. She feels like she doesn’t finish anything she starts, she’s searching for something but she doesn’t quite know what it is, and the idea of her soul mate is always on her mind. There’s magic and romance and mystery and the aura of an adventure that she’s about to embark on and I can’t help but feel that I was meant to pick up this book at this time, I’m not sure why. But, I’m glad that I did.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for today! Olivia’s gone to Florida, so it’ll just be me at home for a little while.

Oh, one more thing mulling around in my mind that I need to vent about, as per usual.

I don’t really know how to collect my thoughts on this anymore. Because, it’s the same old loop, over and over, the same back and forth. It’s not annoying me per se, because some times I have new realizations that bring me peace, and then I suddenly become impatient all over again.

That being said, I know that this isn’t really a big deal, hence why it’s mostly on the back of my mind. I’ve been trying to practice the idea that I am not my thoughts, so I haven’t been attaching much weight to them as I normally would, or so I’d like to believe. That being said, I don’t know which of my thoughts to… believe? What is my personal truth when it comes to this matter? I think a lot of different things, but which thoughts are the ones I really abide by?

Look at me, getting so caught up in my head once more.

Leaving all the rhetoric behind now, I’m talking about Dylan, LOL. (As if that wasn’t obvious…)

I’m so impatient, and then I’m not, and then I am again, and then I’m okay with waiting, and then I don’t know what I’m waiting for, and then I want to tell him how I feel, and then I wonder, “what if he doesn’t even like me like that? What if he doesn’t see me that way? What if, I lose whatever potential for friendship we could have had by making things weird?” and then my mind goes “but, what if he DOES like you, but doesn’t think he has a chance with you? What if you’re being TOO friendly?”

So there. That’s what I mean by, what is true? What is right? What thoughts have even the slightest bit of accuracy to them?

And then I wonder, “why do I like him so much!? How did this even happen, when we don’t even talk as much as I wish we could?! Have I just fallen for the idea of him?!” but then I tell myself, “No, because we’ve left the ideals behind now. We know he’s just a normal human being, significantly younger with probably a lot to learn still.” To which my mind replies, exasperatedly, “SO THEN!? If we know that, then why does this feel so important to us?! Why can we picture future scenarios so clearly!?” But to that, I know that the mind projects scenarios in an attempt to control our reality, to create storylines and take away from the idea that things are actually out of our control. We spend so much time trying to fool ourselves into believing we can control things, instead of using our time to come to terms with the idea that we don’t quite have control, but that that’s okay.

A little voice says, “maybe it’s so important because we just, genuinely care about him.” Aw man. You know, I actually do. Even if he and I don’t talk a lot – Sera keeps me updated on some of the things going on in his life, and in all honesty, I genuinely like hearing about it. I was glad that he was able to do his exam (however, the conditions in which he was able to was nothing short of painful – he’s had to complete every single assignment ever given since the start of the term in the span of this past week).

I was sad to hear that he’s been unwell, and that he couldn’t partake in his tournament like he wanted to.

I actually genuinely like him, as a person, not just him as an idea. I would have loved to get to know him better, I just… I don’t have the courage to actually ask him to hang out. I’m not even sure how to go about doing that. I don’t even know what it’d entail, or where to start.

Which again, is probably all in my head. I think things went well when we hung out at the Starbucks in Waterloo. I liked our dynamic, that we talked the whole way through, the stories he told me about his cousin’s roommate.

I liked how things were at the concert too, even with my sister and his friend being there. We’re pretty intellectually compatible, we’re able to talk quite a bit when we see each other, and he makes me laugh.

I guess I wish we saw each other more often. He doesn’t work much, and I know he doesn’t really like it anyways. But without us working together, we don’t have very many opportunities to see each other.

I guess, the amount that we did talk and see each other during our shifts together, it was enough. It was enough to make me want to know which parts of him still aren’t healed, be it from what’s happened between his parents and what’s happened to him directly with the girl who messed him up. It was enough to make me want to know what his deepest fears were, or biggest triumphs so far, or the innermost dreams he’s never told a soul about.

It was the butterflies I got the minute I saw him enter the department, the gigantic mega-watt smile I couldn’t hide when we said hello. It was the endless conversations, only stopped by interruptions, about everything and anything and whatever else in between. It was the little moments here and there that he let me in, even just an inch or two, when he confided in me about stuff. It was the deeper conversations that came about as a result. And the eye contact, that made me feel… something I haven’t really felt in a long time.

So yeah. I do know how, and why, I got like this.

Wow, I really like dissecting things, LOL. Sigh.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do about these feelings. I know somewhere deep down, I don’t have to do anything – I could and should be content to just, let things happen as they do. It’s the fact that nothing’s really happening, that’s driving me nuts! But then I’m too scared to do anything about it as it is. Which leads me right back to square one, stuck with the feelings, all up in my own head.

I’ve been trying to emulate my new fearless alter-ego, in all aspects of my life. Chasing after this new job, being open to meeting new people (which I was), saying “no” more often”, not settling for less and fighting back. So why am I so scared about telling this guy that I’m attracted to him?

Well, the little voice in my head has plenty of “what if’s” ready to go: “What if you tell him, and it makes him feel like, under pressure or weirded out or obligated or something like that? I don’t know! Like, what if he’s not really looking to be with or start talking to or see anyone right now, and then what if you tell him? Then what? What if that ruins your friendship and makes him all weird around you? What if it’s just not time to say anything? What if things turn out badly? What if you invest your time in this and it’s not meant for you?”

Yup, what if after what if.

But let’s flip those now, make them positive.

What if, you tell him you like him, and it makes him really happy because he actually likes you too? What if, you just mention that you guys should hang out some time, and things actually progress because YOU decided to finally take that step forward? What if, he’s not pursuing this because he genuinely thinks he has nothing to offer you? What if, he’s not pursuing this because he actually has NO IDEA that you’re into him, despite you thinking that you’ve been obvious?

I don’t know which what if’s are more likely. The part that wants to protect myself, my “logic” I’d call it, says the negative ones are more likely, an opinion based off of past experiences and… a lack of confidence in myself, I daresay? Interesting.

But my heart, and me, the little voice that hopes, my inner child… we’re all rooting for the positive what if’s. The what if’s that sound almost too good to be true, the fairytale ending’s, the happily ever afters.

I don’t even know if we’d be compatible on that kind of level. But I want to know.

Therein lies the… solution, can I call it that? The… simplicity of all of this mumbo-jumbo.

The real question here is: how badly do I want this?

Do I want it enough to set my fears and negative what-if’s aside, accept that they can in fact be realities, but go through with it anyways? And by “it” I mean taking the first step, if need be. Do I want to get to know him and really see things through, even though things could possibly turn out that we’re just not good for one another? Am I willing and ready to possibly sacrifice time, effort and my emotions by investing myself in this?

So there. Those are the questions I need to ask myself the next time we see each other. If the answers come to me, whatever they may be… then, I’ll act accordingly. I promise myself this. Okay Steph? Okay.

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve seen him last and I still don’t know when I’ll be seeing him next. I was hoping that maybe he’d get hours for Gala, but I haven’t heard anything from anyone and now I know it’s way too dangerous to poke my nose around with certain people because of how quickly Sam was able to catch on. I think it had to have started with my asking her about him and his hours, maybe a little too often. Plus, she’s really very quick, so there’s that.

So, it is what it is. I’ll see him when I do. Maybe he’ll have hours for Mother’s Day? That’s in about two weeks, and I think that’s enough time for me to settle down with my crazy thoughts and feelings and prepare myself for whatever answers come to me, to the questions I know I have to ask myself when I see him.

Okay, that’s about all I can say on this matter without getting repetitive. Somewhere deep down, I know it’s really not as big as I’ve made it to be in my head. Somewhere deep down, I know that whatever’s meant to be when it comes to this, will be. I just… somehow, someway, I have to just let it happen.

I think I’ll head to bed now and get some rest. It’s been a long eventful day! I’m proud of myself though. Remember, when the anxiety about the new job comes up, just remember that you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, and that any establishment would be lucky to have YOU. Don’t settle for less than what you’re worth in any aspect of your life. I love you.

Thanks, me! I love you too.

Off to bed now! I’ll write sometime tomorrow. Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

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