Day 118 – April 28th, 2017

What an amazing past couple days it’s been so far! I can feel my energy just radiating out of me right now, boucing off of others and just increasing every minute. It’s so good, so great, so strong! The more self-aware I become, the more conscious I strive to be, the higher my energy seems to get! I’m in such a good place right now. I’m not afraid. I am happy, and I am excited for what’s to come, now that I know what I know.

So last night… I’ve got to talk about last night.

Last night, I read some of my old logs, about the last time I saw Dylan, which was beginning of April. The window was open, and I could feel the breeze coming through, cooling my room. I could see the night sky, the inky indigo purple-blue that was tinted a soft orange because of the street lights. And all of a sudden, I knew that I wanted to talk to the universe.

In Brida, both Wicca and Magus told Brida to take care of the way she spoke and what she spoke out into the world, because word is power and once a thought is spoken, it manifests somehow. So, what about word spoken with true intention? Such as prayer? So I sat by my window, looked up into the sky… and sat in silence.

I was scared at first! I didn’t want to say something without really thinking it through. So I settled for some reflection. I asked myself questions, really quitened my mind so that I could hear my inner voice speak to me, the one that knows all.

It asked me what I wanted. What I really, really wanted. Why was I sitting there, what did I want to ask the universe exactly?

So I thought about it. Of course, I wanted to know about Dylan. But that was too simple of a statement. How could I say that out loud, full of intention? So I thought a little deeper.

What was holding me back from speaking out loud? I didn’t know what I wanted. If I was going to say something, I wanted to know that I meant it, with all of my being.

So then I thought about what was holding me back from knowing what it was that I wanted. And then I realized… as much as I like Dylan, I never once said out loud, that I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. Why?

I thought about that. Fear came up. I was scared that if I invested my time in this, and in him, that it would prove fruitless. My past relationships, although they were amazing lessons that I would not trade for anything, have left me with a slight fear. I definitely have more to learn, but I wouldn’t want this to be just another lesson. That’s what this feels like to me.

So I finally asked myself – do you want a relationship with this person? Is there real intent to your feelings?

I imagined the moment I met him. Seeing his back from afar, the leather jacket, the way my heart skipped a beat, even though he was walking away from me and not toward me. I pictured the moment we were finally introduced. I know memory isn’t always reliable, but it really did feel like time slowed as he leaned forward to shake my hand. Was that just me? I don’t know. But that’s how it felt.

I thought about the moments that have stood out to me – the moment I walked back in to the department and he caught my eye, and asked me where I came from, when he told me that people like me are rare to find and that I was way, way too nice. I remember asking him if that was a bad thing, and he said no, it was good. I remember smiling as I walked away from him.

I thought about the moment in his car – I could practically still feel the coolness of the apple juice bottle between my hands, the condensation against my fingertips. I remembered just looking right at him, straight into his eyes, and thanking him as genuinely as I could, for everything he was doing for me. And when he looked back, it felt like time stood still. I had to look away.

So then, I put aside the fear, and I imagined what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. I pictured getting to know him, outside of work. I pictured the would-be conversations, the talks we’d have, the possible laughter. I pictured the forehead kisses, affection. Dates, who knows where, but full of fun and adventure. The way he’d look at me. The same, but also different. It made me happy. It made my heart warm.

Then, I brought back the fear and imagined the worst. The possible arguments, the disagreements. The pain that comes with caring about someone deeply, sometimes.

But, the good outweighed the bad, ultimately. And so, there I was. I finally knew what I wanted to say.

I opened my eyes and looked up into the sky. I addressed the universe, and began to slowly speak. What came out first, was my core four values. I established what I wanted, in a partner.

I said I wanted adventure, someone who would travel the world with me, discover every corner and every mystery so that we could marvel at it together. Fun and laughter would be a constant.

I said that I wanted a partner who was compassionate and selfless, in everything they did, towards everyone they met. That their kindness would speak for itself, and this person would be known for it.

I said I wanted a partner who was independent, who enjoyed their own company and would in turn, inspire me to be independent as well. Someone who knew what they wanted from life.

And lastly, I spoke out into the universe that I wanted a partner who is affectionate. Someone who craved intimacy the way I do, someone who couldn’t get enough of me, who would always kiss me, and find some reason to touch me.

As I was speaking these values out into the world, the light on the house in front of me turned on. I quickly scanned around to see if anyone was around who made the light go off, but there wasn’t a soul in sight. Something in me knew, that it meant that someone was really listening. The universe was hearing my words. So I began to speak, looking into the light.

I concluded my four values, promising I would not settle for anything less than what I deserved. But…

I asked, as kindly as I could, that if Naif was this partner that I’ve been searching for, if he could possibly be this person, to show me. I was ready.

And then, I addressed him directly. I told him if that he could hear me somehow, well then I wanted him to know that I like him. That I’m here, I’m ready to see if this could go somewhere, and that if he wasn’t ready then that was totally okay, but if this was meant to be something worthwhile, then… I’m here. I know what I want now. I’m ready.

I thanked the universe for everything it’s brought to me so far, and said that I was grateful. Right as I was ending my prayer, the light went off on the house in front, as if someone or something knew.

I truly do believe in omens, more than I ever have in my entire life. I won’t stop looking for them anymore, I will always be listening. I haven’t had this kind of faith in… anything, in a very long time. But I know differently now.

So that was my night last night. It was beautiful, and I felt such an amazing energy that travelled over into today during my work shift.

Marilyn and I had a lovely talk about soul mates, and I told her about everything Brida taught me about them. And I have this feeling, that her and Dave are soul mates. I haven’t seen them together, but there’s something in me that just knows that they managed to find each other, and that they were meant to.

Sometime after coming back from our little break, I just asked Marilyn if Diana was in today, and she wasn’t. And after that, she casually (and I mean casually – no inflections, no teasing) mentioned… that Dylan is in tomorrow.

It took everything, literally everything I had, to not react and to change the topic. Because for sure, if I hadn’t of been able to control myself, my face would have lit up bright than a Christmas tree on Christmas morning, and I know it.

I had literally no idea, and no hope, that he’d be in this weekend. I was so, so sure of it. But… he is. I’m going to see him. My heart was leaping out of its chest and my smile was so big for the rest of my entire shift. Diego noticed, of course, LOL. I literally couldn’t help the glow. Sigh.

I’m worried because I’m scared we won’t get a chance to talk tomorrow the way I would like us to, because tomorrow is gala and it’s going to be really busy. But, he’s going to be in for a while, so that’s nice. At least I’ll just get to be around him, if anything.

But in my heart of hearts? Now that I know what I want for this, now that I know that my feelings have real intent and purpose… there’s a very big part of me that would somehow like to convey to him, that I like him. It’s not that I’m in any rush to move things along, now that I know what I know. It’s just that… I’m certain now. I know I am. It took me a little while to get here.

I imagined myself making him aware of my feelings tomorrow, not outright, but not subtly either. It made my heart race, in a good way. I’m not scared anymore. Because, even if it turns out that he doesn’t feel the same way, or that he’s not looking for anything right now, at least he’ll know. At least, in my own way, I will have tried. And that’s good enough for me.

I haven’t felt like this about anyone in the longest time. Not since Aiden. And that was at least seven years ago. I learned to like Don, and let myself fall in love with Nick. But this is different.

I’m happy that I know what I want now. It takes away from the wishy-washyness that uncertainty brings. I know the universe doesn’t do well with half-formed intentions.

I have no doubts about what I want to do tomorrow. I just, need the opportunity to present itself. And if it does, I hope I see it for what it is. If I don’t get it, if I don’t see it, then maybe it’s meant to wait for a next time. I’m going with whatever happens tomorrow. No matter what, no doubts. No fears. For once, I mean it for real: I’m all in.

I got the job that I wanted in the place I asked for. I spoke it out loud into the universe, and it manifested. I know the power of spoken word now. I believe in the higher vibrations of this universe. I’ve never known anything more than I know this.

I want to keep this awareness and consciousness going. I crave it almost as much as I need the air I breathe. It has to continue. I must keep moving upwards into this and see what life can bring me.

Well, that’s about it for today! My shift went great, I need to get my smart serve, I need to finish my petition and hand it in, I need to get my G2, and I need to start learning everything I was meant to learn before my training on Tuesday. But no rush, no stress and no worries. I’m happy. I’m truly, truly happy. It makes me want to cry. It’s amazing what loving yourself can do to transform your life.

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Universe, Fates, the Powers that be, and Me… wish me luck. We’ll see what manifests tomorrow. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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