Day 120 – April 30th, 2017

And here we are, at the end of yet another month of this year! I can’t believe it, March still feels like yesterday. Time is truly passing by so quickly! I’d say it’s been a pretty good month. It feels like it’s passed by in a blur, but at the same time it hasn’t because of everything I’ve written here, of course.

It’s Sunday, so let me just say now that, man, I have the BUSIEST week ahead of me. I have my work shifts, but I also have training on the days that I’m off, so it’s going to be go, go, go all the way through this week until Friday, which appears to be my only real day off this week.

I have work tomorrow night but tons of stuff I have to do before my shift, during and probably after. And then I have my first training on Tuesday morning, bright and early at 7:10 AM. Lord help me.

And then there’s this Cartier party at the CN Tower that night, which I hope I can make it to, if I’m not too tired.

And then Wednesday I have training again, and then I’m hanging out with Avery after that. And then I’ve got an early shift on Thursday, but then at least I get the rest of the day to myself since I finish early, AND Friday off. Not bad! I can totally make it through this week. At least it’ll keep me busy, and not to mention distracted…

So, today.

Once again, overall, it was a perfect day. Dylan and I talked so, so much, especially when we were bored and pacing back and forth, LOL.

Did I ask him to hang out? …no, no I did not. The opportunity just, wasn’t there. Not even the opportunity I mean, just… the moment I was looking for, you know? It just, wasn’t time. BUT, Luna and I have successfully put the cottage plan in motion!

When it comes down to it, I feel like my gut AND the universe is telling me that he needs more time, and that I need to take things slowly and let things happen organically. At least I know for sure what I want now, as I keep reiterating. I can’t let anything deter me from this (unless of course, it’s not meant for me). Not pain, or fear. But time will tell all.

I like these shifts we have together. I know we’re working, but it also feels like this is the way that we’re getting to know one another. It’s super slow and it’s making me scream internally (that’s my little impatient heart for you), but at the same time, there is a part of me that likes this pace. I like that he’s being careful. It doesn’t make things easy when we talk, but I know that if there ever comes a day that he really opens up, then I’ll have earned it, you know? And that’ll be a good feeling.

So, moments from today… there were a lot of times that we talked, so I’m going to try and pick out the stuff that stands out to me, let’s see.

First of all, I need to comment on how ridiculously good he looked today. I mean, he always does, but man… whatever he was wearing today, was definitely working out well for him. (And me. LOL.)

We talked a little bit about what we did last night (he was out until 3, I was drinking wine and writing). I asked him if he had gotten the baby clothes for his god-daughter yet, which he hadn’t, and also asked him to remind me about giving him Brida for his mom later on in the shift.

We joked around a lot this shift. Like we were talking about spiders and Marilyn said she got bitten by one and he asked if she was Spiderman, which made me die of laughter. And there was this moment that I spun this wheel of fortune thing in our department out of boredom, and then just as I was about to walk away, it spun some more on its own, which he happened to catch as well. And I joked that it was the ghost of the department – a disgruntled employee died and never left this place, to which he replied, “you totally summoned it, didn’t you?” and I said I did, hehe.

Which also leads me to after the cottage talk – Mary and I were planning cool things we could do, and I suggested scary stories, which led to him asking me if I was going to summon ghosts, and I was like “yup”, and he was like “yeah, looks like I’m not going to be able to go…” which made me laugh.

I know that these moments seem super inconsequential, but looking at a bigger picture – he’s getting to know my quirks and weirdnesses little by little, which I’m glad about. I hope that me being comfortable being myself around him will make him feel the same way around me.

We talked a bit about hockey injuries and he showed me this video of a hockey player getting his neck sliced open during a game about twenty years ago, and holy crap it was fucked. But, at least I got to stand really close to him as I watched it on his phone, heh.

I think the most significant moment of today, was when he came close to me, lowered voice and all, and asked about my dad and lottery tickets, which led into a brief discussion on what I went through as a kid with my dad’s addiction – the disappearing to go to race tracks, the multiple credit cards to buy lottery tickets and more, etc. He was so fascinated, which was super endearing to me. I hate, hate that we get interrupted so frequently though man, fuck. Because by the time I end up wandering back, the topic doesn’t come up again, even if it was a good one. Sigh.

He’s doing scuba-diving lessons while he’s in Florida, because he wants to conquer his fear of open water and sharks, which is amazing. I’m so, so excited for him! I hope he discovers whatever it is that he’s searching for, even if he doesn’t quite know what that is himself.

At the end of the shift though, he went to go buy the baby clothes… with Victoria, taking his hand and leading him to the downstairs department. I can’t lie, seeing that made my gut shrivel up and my heart sink to somewhere near my feet, LOL. I just thought that, maybe he would have asked me. But I don’t know the full story, maybe she just decided she’d help him, who knows. Maybe I should have suggested it myself first, yesterday, before she had a chance to. At least I know for next time.

It made me a little sad, but it’s okay. They’ve been friends a lot longer than he and I have been friends. And, I’m not letting little things like that dissuade me either.

So, I put on my leather jacket, gathered my stuff, and waited for him to come back so that I could say goodbye. When he came back into the department, he asked me if I was all done, and I said I was, but that I waited so that I could say goodbye to him and also give him the book.

I handed it to him, and told him I hoped that Sera liked it because it was definitely different than the Alchemist (what with the witch craft and sex scenes, LOL). And then he handed me his purchase, and I looked at it, and honestly it was adorable. I told him Victoria had good taste, LOL. (Couldn’t help it, oops).

After that, I gave him a huge hug and wished him a safe flight and told him to take tons of pictures and to have an amazing time. He wished me luck with all the stuff coming up for me, and then said he’d try to have a safe flight, LOL. It was a nice long hug, at least.

Back to waiting I go!

At least I’m going to be super, super busy this week so hopefully I won’t have much time to think about it all too much.

All in all though? This weekend was nice. I like the shifts that we get to work together. I know the next couple shifts are going to feel a little weird now because I always get so used to him just being around. Sigh.

I’ll take this time to get some clarity on the situation, see what my gut’s trying to tell me I should do, moving forward. He said he’d be back some time around Mother’s Day, so at least I’ll be seeing him then.

How am I feeling though? I write this stuff like I’m writing a story or just reporting facts, but how does all of this make me feel? How am I doing?

Well, right now, I’m feeling a little anxious, but it has nothing to do with Dylan though. It’s this serving job. I don’t like how anxious new things make me man, I don’t like feeling this way. I like my mediocre job and boring life and not trying new things. It’s comfortable. But, I know that this isn’t how life is meant to be lived.

If I’m not growing, expanding, pushing myself and making myself uncomfortable from time to time, then I’m not really living.

I don’t have anything to worry about, I really don’t. I’m trying something new, and if it doesn’t work out for me, then at least I’ll have tried. All that matters is my own comfort and happiness. I’m doing this job for me, not to make other people happy. I’m glad that they’re glad to have me on their team and it was nice to be welcomed so quickly – but I’m not obligated to stay just because people have expectations of me. It’s my life. I know that.

It’s going to be tricky trying to manage two jobs. I don’t know how long the shifts are at Joey’s. But I’m going to do my best to find a way to make it work. One step at a time.

As for Dylan? When I think about him, I don’t feel anxious. Yeah, I get pretty nervous about seeing him and yes, sometimes I stumble over my words or whatever.

When I think of him, I can feel my heart pounding, skipping beats if anything. If he needs more time, then I can wait. I’m willing to wait. I just want to know, if there could be something more for us. If there can’t be, then I’m equally as happy to have a new friend. And, he’d be a good one at that, I know it.

But, slow and steady wins the race, right? I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient. But!!! To also take advantage of the little moments that do arise! Like, if I had just been brave enough to ask him if he wanted me to come pick out the baby clothes with him, then maybe that could have been me going with him, and not Victoria. And, I think my gut was telling me that that was something I should have done too. I need to listen, and learn to listen better.

Okay, I’ve really got to head to bed because I’ve got a super busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

I guess I just want to say… actually, I don’t really know what I want to say, LOL.

Actually, you know what? I’m looking forward to this new month. It’s officially the first day of May, and I think that this month is going to be very promising, and filled with amazing memories, incredible moments, and great opportunities. April was great, but May is going to be even better.

Because I’m going to make it that way.

Looking forward to this new month, warmer weather and hopefully… some moments of bravery, on my part, if need be. Here’s to seizing the day, and the month to come!

I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift. Wish me luck for this week!

Love, love, love and tons of positivity,

Me.

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