144 + 145 – May 24th & 25th, 2017

Hello! Life is beginning to do that thing where it passes by in a blur so I would like to take this opportunity and this log to get things straight, touch base with myself and see where I’m at in terms of my head and my heart, just me-things in general.

Let’s see… so earlier this week, I quit my new job. Do I regret it?

Honestly, only a little because the extra money I would have been getting is much needed. But, there has to be something else I can do on the side that can generate a little extra income without taking up all of my time and energy, right? I’ll find a way.

But, that’s the ONLY thing I regret about it – I’ve never slept better. I KNOW myself – I immediately got sick after a couple shifts, I wasn’t sleeping well, and I was stressed. I love myself too much to put myself through that much stress, even if it was self-induced, all for a little extra money. I’ll find another job, work less shifts, and do something that doesn’t consume all of my brain power, efforts and energy. Because no matter what, I HAVE TO take care of my health and well-being, before anything else. It just wasn’t for me.

Some of the people I’ve talked to about it, although they are supportive of my decision, I know that they think I didn’t give it enough time or enough of a chance. Maybe they think I’m weak or don’t believe in myself and my capabilities enough.

But I just didn’t like it!!! I’m not going to force myself to do something I don’t like because I know how detrimental that can be! Money is always going to come and it’s going to go – I know I need to work on keeping the money I get.

I gave it my best shot, I really did. But when it comes down to it, I don’t owe anybody anything. That’s going to be my new motto. The only person I owe anything (and everything) to, is myself.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! Moving on now – Olivia.

I don’t know why, but I feel like when she came back and even talking to her recently, we’re not really… on the same page, as much? I don’t know. I know that the things you experience change your vibe, either elevating it or just making it different to what you once knew. So are our vibes heading in different directions?

It’s just that, she was so irritable to be home, I could feel her energy bouncing off the walls like an animal entrapped in a cage that was longing to be free. And, I recently told her that I would like to paint our entire room with “Starry Night”, and she said that she doesn’t want to feel “suffocated”.

Suffocated by what, exactly? What’s suffocating about stars and a night sky? And swirls of colour and paint? Is it suffocating because it’s essentially a representation of me, of what I love?

Maybe I’m just overthinking this. But, I just thought that she’d welcome the change as much as I’m looking forward to it. I get it though; it’s not just my own, it’s supposed to be our room, and doing this will kind of take it over. But I mean, she’s going to be gone for the next three months. And, we’re barely in our room as it is – we’re there to sleep, change, and that’s about it. Plus, while we’re sleeping, it’s not as though we’re looking at anything seeing as our eyes are closed for 8 – 10 hours… I don’t know man.

Oh well. Like I said, this time away from one another will do us some good, I’m sure. In the meanwhile, I’m just going to focus on doing my own thing, like I said I would.

What’s next?

Ah yes! So tomorrow, I have to go pick up my little paycheque for the week I worked tomorrow from my “ex-job” (haha). I’m sincerely hoping I don’t run into anyone important who will stop to question me, all I want to do is get in and get out. But, I will do it with my head held high, just like Sera told me to do. I know my truth, I won’t let anyone tell me differently.

But after that, I’m treating myself to the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie!!!!

I don’t know anyone on this earth who loves Pirates as much as I do, so it’s fitting that I go on my own so that I can share that true happiness and excitement with just me, at least for the first time I get to watch it. Plus, I want to get back on track with my self-love project this summer, of taking myself out on dates and enjoying my own company! So, tomorrow will be a good place to start.

I don’t have my schedule for next month yet, but the minute I do, I can start planning out how I would like June to progress for myself.

At the beginning of this year, I started a journey to getting back to my roots and in touch with myself and I don’t want to lose that momentum and the self-awareness I’ve so recently acquired. I feel closer to myself and to the universe than I’ve ever felt in my life, and I want to keep establishing and reinforcing these new found relationships in my life.

I want create a safe-space for myself in this house, somewhere I can meditate and center myself on the daily. If Dana’s in this weekend, I’ll ask her how I can go about doing this.

I think that’s about it for the things I’d like to do and the thoughts that have followed. How have I been feeling lately?

Well, I’ve been at home for the past couple days. Last night was nice, because I was able to go out with the work girls and we had a fun night just eating delicious food and talking away. We even ended up singing and dancing, since we had the whole place to ourselves! I was a little apprehensive about going at first, since there’s been a bit of drama going on lately, but all in all, it went fine. We ended up celebrating Sera’s and Diana’s birthdays in the best way possible.

Okay, I just realized that I didn’t answer the question I asked myself so I’m going to ask again: How have I been feeling lately?

I’ve been feeling… listless, I guess? I’m happy for the most part, since I now have time to myself again and I have all these great plans for myself. I feel my good energy and positivity coming back, so it’s been great.

I just don’t like being at home I guess. I wonder why that is. I always feel like I have to be doing something. I need the balance I guess – it’s either I like being home sometimes to recuperate when I’m out too much, but I can’t be at home for days at a time with nothing to do or it drives me nuts. I really am such a Libra, a creature that craves moderation and balance.

But other than that, I’ve been really good. I can’t complain (not that I’d ever, ever want to). So, I’m thankful.

I’ve been re-posting my logs back on my online blog today, since I’ve had time. And I’m right smack dab at the part of this year where I realized I was head over heels crushing on Dylan. And now, all of that has me cringing so hard.

I know I shouldn’t be cringing because I’ve come to terms with how hard I fall for people or how invested I get, I know. But, I can’t help myself! I can’t believe how hard I fell for this person!

I let my heart have full reins of it, and how I’ve handed them back to my brain. Every time I catch myself thinking of him now, I immediately tell myself to stop and let go. No more.

I’m done.

It’s nothing he did. I just, can’t anymore. It’s been months. If he were even remotely interested, he would have said so or done something. I know it’s not fair to leave it all up to him, but… I just can’t. If there was a part of me that knew that he liked me or that things could have been a real possibility for us, then maybe I would have said something, but that feeling never came to me. It’s been uncertainty for the past couple months now, and I just can’t do it to myself anymore.

I have to let go. I’ve got to move on. Friendship seems to be the only thing in the cards for us. And after this weekend, I’m sure he won’t be getting any more hours for some time to come so, I won’t see him for a while, and that’ll be good for me.

I know I’m letting fear win. But the way seeing the DM from him on Susan’s phone hurt me? I wasn’t expecting that. I know it wasn’t something he was trying to hide, since he straight up brought it up with me when we were talking about her in person. But still. When it comes down to it, if he can ask someone like her to hang out, (no matter if it was casual or something more) and if he can’t ask me in the same way, then it just goes to show that he’s not interested in anything more than what we are right now, for whatever reason.

And so, I have to, have to, have to¸ let go. I can’t stress it enough.

It was a wonderful dream. But I can’t let myself get hurt. I won’t. Even if it’s unintentional self-induced pain due to the nature of my feelings.

I can feel this tiny little voice in me somewhere begging me not to give up. I don’t know if it’s the blind naïveté of my heart, or something more. I would love to be able to tell the difference one day. But for now, I can’t listen. Because, I got way too caught up in my feelings and my head and my heart and read too much into things that maybe weren’t meant to be read into and I can’t do it to myself anymore. It’s time to get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on solid ground. It’s time to say goodbye to this crush, and I mean it.

I know time will do its job to heal this; after all, I’ve directly experienced this through the healing I went through after my break-up. Here I am now, heart mostly healed and still healing ever more with every day that passes. Eventually, the feelings will settle into warm and comfortable friendship, and nothing more. So for now, I’ll just focus on me and my own personal agenda of things I’d like to accomplish for myself.

I know I mentioned it briefly before but again – for the first time in a long time, I’m craving my own company and nothing more. I don’t want to pursue anything with anyone at the moment, old or new. I don’t want to date, or have a crush, or be attracted to anyone. I just want to focus on me. On loving me, on bettering me, on being content and happy with just me. Truly.

So that’s what I’m going to do. As this month slowly draws to a close, I look forward to all the new adventures and opportunities that this new month will bring forward. Everyone knows how transformative summer can be – well, I’m looking forward to harnessing this transformative time to become all that I can be. It’s going to be good, I just know it.

I’ll write some time tomorrow after my day, possibly after my shift, when I get a chance. Until then!

Love,

Me.

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