Day 122 – 126 – May 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th, 2017

Okay, hands down, since I’ve began this document, this is definitely the longest I’ve gone without writing my logs. But, in my defence, this week was really, really busy and I literally had no time to write anything. It passed by in a blur, but I’m going to document as much as I can remember out of it. Which I mean, is quite a bit, since so much happened.

Alright, let’s begin with Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017. So, I woke up bright and early at 5 am, to get ready for my new job training. I got dressed and did my hair and makeup, and tried to make myself as excited as I possibly could.

While I would love to go into detail about it, I’m just going to say this: it was very intensive, very detail-oriented and hospitality driven on the first day. We got to try some different dishes so that we could become familiar with some of them, and become comfortable talking about them.

Nate, our GM who ran the training, is… I don’t even know where to begin! He’s super courteous, he embodies hospitality in everything he does, and he was so, so thorough with the training. He even made it entertaining a little. He was very, very professional though, and very clear on what he expected from us. The other trainees were super nice, so I’m looking forward to getting to know them.

Before I continue on to the Cartier event at the CN tower that was after the training, I need to talk about some stuff.

Okay so, for the past couple days since the training, I’ve had this insane amount of anxiety about this entire job. I know it’s stemming from the fear that I’ve created in my own mind, and I’m trying my hardest to battle it, but man. I’m so, so scared. There’s so much to remember, and it’s so different than anything I’ve ever done before. I’m so worried that I won’t fit in.

I don’t know how to be quick. I’m not good at multi-tasking.

^ okay so, that’s my self-doubt talking, right? And then half way through that, a little voice piped up and told me to counter with some positives, so let’s do that.

Nate thinks I’m “brilliant”, and he thinks I’m going to be a perfect fit for the restaurant. He told me to have some faith in myself, and I know he’s right. I HAVE to give myself a chance, by giving THIS a chance.

But it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think about, and I wish I didn’t feel this way.

I know that a lot of it is in my head – the two days of training we did made me feel comfortable and welcomed, but also the depth to which it went into in regards to literally everything we have to remember to do and is expected of us, kind of intimidated me.

Actually, kind of? HA. It scared the living shit out of me.

The serving part, like talking to guests and taking their orders and just being my friendly, personable self, that’s not what scares me. It’s the remembering to greet, using the POS as fast as I can as to not hold other people up, making sure I’m doing something at all times, cleaning plates from other tables, bringing food from upstairs to downstairs, carrying trays full of glasses, possibly dropping stuff on people or dropping things at all, falling down the entire flight of stairs, carrying three plates at once, remembering the priority system, not messing up people’s orders and also bills, and still trying to add my personal touch on top of all of this. THIS, is the list of things that is freaking me the fuck out.

Okay so, I started this log yesterday (May 5th), and now it is Saturday morning (May 6th).

I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t care so deeply about things like this, that it stresses me out and makes me unhappy. I can be dedicated – I can learn the menu, I can practise on MICROS, I can go over everything I’ve learned over and over until I feel prepared, and even practice serving my parents at home.

But, I can’t stress about the what if’s, because they’re literally driving me insane. Listen – if this isn’t meant for you, then it won’t be meant for you. BUT, you CAN’T say that WITHOUT giving it a real try!!! Mistakes are going to happen! You’re going to bumble around at first!! No matter how much training you may have done, you won’t actually start to really learn until you are actually in there, on the floor, doing what you got to do! You’re never going to be perfect, and you need to learn how to accept this fact.

Next time you catch yourself being nervous or stressing about this, turn it into excitement. Say – I can’t wait to start. I can’t wait to see all the things I’m going to learn. I can’t wait to meet new people. I am lucky to have received this opportunity. I am not going to waste it by letting fear hold me back. Okay?

Okay.

Moving on now – Tuesday evening, I got to go to an amazing work event for Cartier at the CN Tower!!! They served champagne, and there was trivia, and our team won a Cartier champagne bottle which was really exciting.

It was a lot of fun, because Lianna, Ryan and I drank as much as we could, LOL. I mean, free alcohol… how could we pass up on that?

After the event, we went out and it’s definitely safe to say that it was an interesting night, for sure.

I somehow still managed to wake up on time at 4 am for my Wednesday training, but man was I ever tired. Do you see what I mean about how busy this week was for me!? I was waking up at all kinds of random hours. I’m pretty sure in between Monday to Thursday, I got like 8 hours of sleep max.

Wednesday after training, I hung out with Avery. He taught me to long board and we had lunch, and then after we watched the game. It was nice to hang out and catch up after so long! Sometimes, I forget how long we’ve been friends for, but it’s going on six years now. I know he and Chloe are both my friends and there are some things I do and don’t agree with when it comes to their relationship with one another, but when it comes down to it, my friendship with each of them have nothing to do with their relationship with each other. All I can do is try to be supportive of each, regardless of my own personal opinions.

Thursday, (the 4th), I went back to work in the morning for a short shift. I feel so bad for my counter manager because her mom is very, very ill in the hospital and she was crying on the Thursday about it.

Life, despite it being the longest thing we’ll ever really do, goes by in the blink of an eye.

Thursday afternoon was finally my first reprieve of this entire week – I went home and relaxed for what felt like the first time in ages. Olivia came back from Florida Wednesday evening, and it was so nice to have her back because I had missed her a lot. But then…

In a series of crazy spontaniety and a whirl of moments, Olivia got a job to work at a summer camp… for the next two months.

At first, it didn’t seem like real life. It was all theoretical, the idea of this opportunity and her being away for that long. But she got through the interviews within the day, began the application, talked to her boss at her current job, and just like that, it was set.

So then yesterday, (Friday, May 5th), she began to pack. Even still, it hadn’t sank in yet, but I noticed myself getting a little more agitated and morose.

Finally, when we dropped her off at Alycia and Anne’s and I had to say goodbye, that’s when it finally sank in – I was mad!

For all my talk about being happy for her, for wanting her to branch out and explore this opportunity and grow as a person, I was harbouring some secret anger at the fact that she’d be leaving for so long. We’ve never been apart from one another for this long. And lately, I’ve been feeling pretty vulnerable as it is, so I guess I took it a little personally? I know now that I shouldn’t have.

Olivia was telling me about how she felt like she was floating, just before all of this happened. She felt like she needed something to ground her, something more solid. Well, she spoke into the universe, and her intentions, although perhaps half-formed at the time, manifested.

She needs this. I know she does, deep down in my heart. I can’t be selfish.

So, this morning (Saturday, May 6th), I sent her a lengthy message apologizing for my selfishness and I genuinely wished her well. I told her that maybe, this was life’s way of teaching us how to be apart from one another. Because one day, we’re going to have to be. If we’re going to learn how to really be okay with being alone, then this right here is a great first step.

I feel a lot better today than I have all week. My energy was in a really good place before this week began and it took a pretty big dip these past couple days, but I think it’s slowly settling again.

I think that’s about it for this week! Although, before I go:

Tuesday night, during the Cartier event, Dylan posted an adorable snapchat of him and his baby god-daughter that I couldn’t resist messaging him about. We talked a bit, and he mentioned how in love he was, and how he also got her Jordan’s too, which is so, so cute.

And then Thursday evening, he sent me a snap that actually made me quite happy. Again, it could totally all be in my head but… I don’t know, I don’t think so this time. He sent me a picture of his view in Florida, feet up, on a balcony over-looking the beach, with an arrow pointing to his speaker. And it said “Lumineers”, which meant he was listening to them… and he had thought of me?

Well I mean, he had to of, right? If it was enough to snapchat me about it?

Either way, it turns out he was listening to “Stubborn Love” which I know was the song that resonated with him most after the concert, and it was the last song that they performed too. It made me really happy that he was listening to them while he’s there, and I’m glad that he snapchatted me about it.

Anyways, that’s about it for this week. It’s been insane, but here’s the weekend (which doesn’t really feel like a weekend in all honesty, because of work).

There appears to be a lot of change in the air at this moment. This new job, Olivia leaving for two months. New challenges are on the horizon, and these challenges are sure to bring about some real growth and development through change. I know somewhere deep down I’m still nervous, but hey. If I wasn’t nervous, then I would know that all of this wasn’t important. But it is. So, here’s to new opportunities and all the things that come with them! I’ll write some time tomorrow.

Love,

Me.

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