Day 127 – May 7th, 2017

Hello!

Okay so, there’s been a bit of a disconnect between myself and, well… myself, lately.

Have I really been conversing with ME? Or just taking note of what occurs on a daily basis?

I started this entire log to get back in touch with MYSELF. Yes, it’s also so that I don’t forget the things I experience as this year progresses. But what’s the point of it all, if I’m not growing and maintaining this awareness that I’ve been so carefully cultivating? I cannot allow myself to fall back into “autopilot” mode. I promised myself more than that at the start of this year. I need to keep delivering.

When was the last time I asked me how I’m doing? I honestly don’t remember. I’ve been doing that thing again – constantly on the go, go, go, without stopping to check in with myself, both mentally and emotionally.

And lately, I’ve been wondering why my energy level has been so low, and I think that that’s the answer as to why – the disconnect.

I feel restless, like I’m waiting for something to happen, as though I’m not moving despite these days passing by as they do. I HATE that feeling. So, what am I not doing for myself right now, that I should be, in order to move forward?

I know mom wants me to do summer school. In all honesty, not taking any courses this summer might have been a reckless idea of mine. I know I want to graduate – I’ve come to terms with where I am, but that doesn’t mean I should become complacent in my approach to school.

I mean, I know what I want to do. I guess I just thought, I could take this summer to get myself organized to set myself up for a successful come back to school. But getting this job at the restaurant, it’s taking a little longer than I expected to get settled. I have a feeling it might take all of the rest of this month before things become routine once more.

But, I suppose that’s okay? Because, then I’ll have all of June, July and August.

I think my restless energy and lowness was coming from the fact that I was letting myself “drift” again, without a plan or aim. Jobs will come and go, money will come and go. But my education? That’s something that will be with me for my years to come. It is what will open further doors for me in order to keep going on my path. I’m going to help people. I know I am. I can’t let anything deter me from that.

This week. I have time, because my shifts are late. If I just wake up early enough, I have entire mornings to get done what needs to get done. Like, checking out when i can enrol for September. And working out. Finishing my smart serve and getting my health certificate.

If I just budget my time wisely this week, there isn’t anything I can’t do.

Come on me. Just last week, you were at a super high point in your energy. You were talking to the universe, and it was LISTENING. You made things happen for yourself. You had momentum. Don’t let yourself lose this movement that you’re finally creating for yourself! Not for fear, not for complacency or comfort. Keep moving upwards.

Okay. Bring on this new week. I’ve been trying to eat healthier too, and I find that even that’s been providing me with good energy. So I need to keep that going.

So, a bit about today. I found out that Maria’s mom passed last night. And it broke my heart. I feel so, so sorry for her loss. I can’t imagine losing my mom. I don’t think I realize the full extent of how fleeting life can be, until death comes quietly knocking in its own way, to remind me. And it scares the hell out of me.

I know that the one of the only things certain in life, is death. So why, why does it frighten me so? I cannot begin to fathom it, I do not understand it – I can’t comprehend how in one moment, someone can exist so fully and completely; laughing, breathing, talking to people and making a difference, taking a place in other’s lives. And then in the next? They simply cease to exist. Gone, just like that. Alive, but only in memory, which also fades in time no matter how hard we struggle to hold onto it. How can that be?

I don’t think we’re meant to understand death though. Only to respect it, understand that it’s on its way to all of us, and accept the fact that it is inevitable. But, rather than letting this fact make us question the purpose of life, it should drive us to do all that we can with the life we were given, with the short time we’re gifted to walk on this earth.

What is a fulfilled life, exactly? I think, that we spend a lot our time here doing everything we can to answer that question. And the answer is going to be different for everyone. But in the end, if we spent even a portion of our time in search of the answer, and living life as fully as we could, then I think that that in itself is fulfillment.

I feel a lot better now. All day, I felt… low? I don’t know how to properly cope or deal with death. Even though it was not I who experienced it directly. I don’t know how to console someone who’s experienced this kind of loss, the kind of loss that I fear.

But, I can offer my support, in any way that I can. I started a card for Maria, as well as started a collection in support for her and whatever she may need at this time. And, my sales manager and I went through the schedule and changed it around so that I’m covering the counter as much as possible. That way, she can take all the time she needs.

I went to the restaurant today, to let one of the managers know about the changes, and I’m glad that I went with my gut and went to him directly. He was very impressed with the fact that I took the initiative to come all the way there, just to let him know that. And, he mentioned how excited for me he was for me to start working, which is similar to what Nate said.

It makes me happy that they see something in me, that I don’t quite see yet. I mean, I’ve channelled most of my nervousness and anxiety into excitement, thanks to the many talks I’ve had with my coworkers about this. They’ve managed to calm me down, make me excited, and also put things into perspective that if I don’t give it a shot, I’ll never know if it’s meant for me or not. I’m so glad that I have such wise people in my life, honestly.

Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of… lonely? Which, in all honesty, is good! I’m almost 100% positive that Olivia was meant to get this two month camp counselling job – it’s going to be good for the both of us, to be without one another for a while. She’s going to branch out, grow up, learn more about who she is as a person, without me. And I’m… I’m going to be without a safety blanket that I’ve had all my life without even realizing.

Olivia has always been there at the end of a long day, ready to hear about everything I went through in detail. And vice versa. She’s always been there to ground me, offer insight, and build on my thoughts. She calms my hyper-active mind down, and helps me to sort through my often volatile and temperamental emotions.

So… I’m going to have to learn how to be okay with just, being on my own and coming home to an empty house sometimes. All the thoughts and emotions in my head? They’ve got to be sorted out here. I mean, I have my friends, I have my co-workers. But not on a constant basis, the way I had Olivia.

The way I had Nick. It’s weird. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been going through my old logs lately or if it’s because we talked recently, for a couple days, on and off but… lately, I’ve kind of missed him. I don’t know if it’s him that I’m missing per se, or the relationship though. I guess I just miss having someone to spend time with? Someone whose company I really enjoyed, thoroughly. Even if we weren’t doing much.

Maybe it’s a by-product of the sudden loneliness I’ve been feeling. I think that could possibly be it.

Luna asked me the other day, if I ever saw myself getting back together with him.

My first instinct, right away, was to say no. After everything I’ve been through these past couple months, and how far I’ve come so far this year? I can’t imagine going back. Or even moving forward, with him. I’m sure we’ve both changed for the better. I’m sure we’ve both learned so much about ourselves, and the many faults in our relationship, what could have been done differently.

But… I gave that relationship as many shots as I could. I gave it time, I gave it effort. I gave him my love, affection, and a lot of the time, it wasn’t reciprocated as much as I would have liked it to be.

I used to cry sometimes, on my own, because of how much it hurt my feelings when he’d turn away my kisses or tiny requests for affection.

I just… no matter how much good that relationship held, I just couldn’t imagine bringing him back into my life in that capacity, ever again. We had our chapter in whatever book of life this is. We did the rollercoaster ride of emotions, we grew where we could, made memories and honestly, I think we did grow to love one another to some extent. I’d like to believe that we did. Somewhere deep down, I hope that he loved me, somehow.

But we closed the chapter. I think I took all that I could from it, lesson-wise. Sometimes, people walk into your life to merely teach you the lessons you’re meant to learn, and that’s the extent of why you meet them. And then they go. Those are the people you are not meant to hold onto.

Rather, they are meant to be appreciated for what once was, what was learnt, and what was taken from having met them, even if it was a hard lesson to learn. Even if there was pain involved. You’ll never truly know, recognize and appreciate the good if you’ve never had some bad to compare it with, after all.

I feel like today, I connected with myself a lot more than I have in a little while, and it felt nice. I think Olivia leaving kind of left me no choice but to do so, LOL. But honestly though, I do want to make a point of really asking myself how I’m doing and writing about how I feel, in these logs. Not just the things that occur on a daily basis. Or else, my thoughts and feelings will have nowhere to go, and they will fester in the whirlpool that my mind often becomes.

So, tomorrow is the start of yet another brand new week. I am ready to reclaim my high energy, and tackle this week with as much vigour and excitement that I can possibly muster. There will be some somber moments – Maria’s mom’s viewing, namely. But, it is something I must do, after everything Maria’s done for me, the least I can do is pay my respects and offer my support.

Bring on this new week, and whatever it may bring! I’m ready. I’m happy. I will keep this awareness and happiness going. I promise myself I’ll do whatever it takes to maintain it. Because, if not me, then who? Never forget that.

Love you! Always.

Love,

Me.

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