Day 128 – May 8th, 2017

I love my energy in my last log! See, that’s what I want to be able to look back on.

There is a high chance that I may be starting at my new job as of this week. But we’ll see. In my heart of hearts, I’m hoping that I’ll get some reprieve this week because next week… I’m working 5 shifts at the new job and 4 at my regular one. HOW. Am I really capable of this? Yes. Yes, I believe in myself. That little voice answered right away.

I am my mom’s daughter. This is the woman who works seven days a week, sometimes back to back jobs, just to make ends meet. And no matter how tired she may be, she NEVER complains. She just, does it. Because she knows she has to. So, no matter what this week OR next week looks like, I’m going to channel my inner mom, and kick ass the best that I can.

So today. Today was a little… weird? I mean, for the most part, it was good. I woke up, made my green smoothie, worked out, made a healthy lunch, and then got ready for work. Oh, and! I checked out when I can enrol for September, and it’s not until June 28th! Which means, I have some time to get my academic affairs in order by then. Hoping I’ll have time for it though, in between two jobs… We’ll see. (Proud of myself though, I must say that).

So, the weird part of today. Nick messaged me, and it turned into a conversation that lasted quite a bit of this day, I would say. What was it about? Well… he was basically asking for girl advice? Or dating advice? From me!

No specifics though. But from what I gather, he HAS been seeing other girls. Which is good!!! It’s better than good, it’s great. And, I’m actually kind of glad that he can come to me for advice about them, because that’s what I wanted from the start. To be real friends, no hint of our past relationship.

It took me aback a little bit at first, because this situation is entirely new for me. But I mean, it’s nice that we can catch up the way that we do. I told him about the blog I started, how I’m posting these logs online, and at first he asked to read them. But then, he didn’t bring it up again.

I’m kind of glad. I mean, I don’t have anything to hide. By all means, if he really, really wanted to, he could have gone right ahead and asked for the blog name. But, my gut says that… it wouldn’t have turned out good. Like, there’s going to be plenty of things in these logs that he’s NOT going to like reading about, that’s for sure. Mainly about himself, I mean. I think it’s best if the innermost details of my life remain somewhat private – after all, we may be friends, but we’re no longer in each other’s lives the way we once were, right?

It wouldn’t be right for him to be getting an inside look at my mind, thoughts, and emotions anymore. I think it would create a weird imbalance, of some kind. I don’t know. I’m just glad he didn’t pursue it further.

At first, I have to admit, it did kind of bother me that he’s already dating. But I mean, I’m sure that’s normal. Even if we are friends now, he’s also my ex. But then, I’ve also moved on so, there’s no point or use to having those feelings. I choose to let them go, and simply be happy for him instead. Honestly, I really do hope that he’s happy.

That’s about it for my day! Work went by quickly. This day felt quite long for some reason. Tomorrow is the viewing for Maria’s mom, so I have to be at work a little earlier than normal. Which means, I should probably head to bed now.

I need to remember to keep connecting with myself in these logs. Thoughts, feelings, emotional check-ins… they’ve got to become a habit. But on the bright side, I can slowly feel my energy getting back to normal now, less low and more stable. That’s a good thing.

I am happier on my own, than I have been in ages. ON MY OWN. By myself! I’m HAPPY. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed my own company more! While I did note in my last log that I feel lonely sometimes, it does not take away from my happiness. Being alone is something I have to learn how to do, learn how to become comfortable with. And I think I really am.

I’m not looking to date anyone else, I’m not looking to hook up or even look for those kinds of opportunities. I know what I want (or who I want, rather), and in the meanwhile, I am perfectly happy and content with just being on my own until I know that what I want can be a possibility for me.

Okay! That’s about all for today. I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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