Day 132 & 133 – May 12th + 13th, 2017

Hello! So, I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday, mostly because I spent the majority of it either doing absolutely nothing, or uploading my logs onto my online blog. But, just because I’m reading through my old lessons and memories doesn’t mean I can begin to neglect what happens in the present moment!

So yesterday, (Friday), Lianna came over to dye me and my mom’s hair, which was really nice. I LOVE how my hair turned out! Lianna is so freaking talented, honestly.

I had a lovely lazy day, which was actually great because I feel like I’ve got more energy to take on this weekend, and also next week.

So… it’s Saturday. And it’s the 13th. Which means… Dylan is back today.

And I know I said in my last log that I’m trying to lower my expectations so that I don’t end up disappointing myself, depending on what happens but… I’m insanely excited, LOL. I actually missed him! It’ll be nice to see him again. I have no idea what I’m in store for today, but you know what?

How sad is it that I try to temper my excitement for the fear of being disappointed? Why can’t I just, let myself feel this way, no matter what may happen? Why do I practice trying to protect myself and guard my heart, over allowing myself to bask in a feeling that’s simple, and pure?

I can’t let my past experiences of pain and disappointment define the way I look forward to things in my present. I’ve been through pain, and I survived. I know, through direct experience, that I can handle whatever life may throw at me. So, I owe it to myself to let myself get excited from time to time, no matter what may end up happening.

Anyways, that’s it for that! I can’t wait to get home and write about what happened today. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance later on after my shift.

One thing I got to mention before I leave to get ready – lately, Nick has been messaging me a lot. Like, every other day almost. And while it’s casual conversation for the most part, I don’t know. My gut… it’s telling me something about this. Something like, “be on your guard, just in case”. I know how smart he is. I’m sure he has no ulterior motive for the friendly conversations, but nonetheless. I must remain aware and somewhat careful.

Okay, that’s about all I needed to address for today! I’m excited, my energy is good and I have a great feeling about today. Looking forward to all the possibilities! I’ll write sometime today, or tomorrow.

Love,

Stephanie.

Day 133 continued (May 13th)…

Hello! So overall, I’d have to say today was… *suspense*…

…a pretty damn good day! LOL. I’m so lame.

But really though, I didn’t really know what to expect so I suppose I was pretty pleasantly surprised with the way things turned out. Let me start from as I was getting ready for my shift:

As I was getting ready, Luna gave me a call. And it was casual at first, but I could hear in her voice that she had something to tell me, and I immediately thought it was bad, LOL. I hemmed and hawed a bit, and finally I told her to just tell me.

It turns out, that while Dylan was telling Luna about his trip, he said something that kind of pissed her off (bless her soul, I love her). He mentioned that the women in Miami were absolutely stunning, and that he fell in love with Spanish culture (and women), while he was there, and couldn’t wait to go back, or visit Colombia for example… because of the women, LOL.

She’s so sweet, I love how protective of me she is. Basically, she was just worried that I would be wasting my time (and feelings), if all he wanted to do right now was be free and explore. She felt that she didn’t want me to wait around until he was ready for something more serious, and that’s why she called to tell me that fact.

I mean, sure, I wasn’t totally happy to hear that. But at the same time, he’s young and he’s single and good looking as fuck. He has every right and reason to go after whomever he wants, whenever. So, I can’t really be mad, you know? Or hurt even. It just, wouldn’t make sense. Nonetheless, Mary’s call put me on my guard, so when I went into work, I wasn’t expecting a lot. (Hence why I ended up pleasantly surprised).

When I got in, I settled in by saying hi to everyone, talking with Maria. And from the corner of my eye, I could see him standing at the D&G men’s counter, but Luna told me to be cool and let him approach me. So, after finishing my talk with Maria, I made to walk away from the department (as though I didn’t see him standing there) when I heard him call me back.

Despite trying to be on my guard, and cool as a cucumber… man. I couldn’t help the way I lit up as I approached him to say hi. I was genuinely happy to see him, and it seemed like the feeling was mutual, which made me happy. He gave me a really nice long hug (sigh), and we briefly talked about his trip in that moment – he didn’t get a chance to scuba-dive, but he did go deep sea fishing, and conquered his fears of open water and sharks. There was even a seven foot shark circling their boat at one point!

I got called away (of course), so our conversation got cut short. And it seemed like one of those days where it would be much too busy to talk, and everyone seemed scattered, so I went about doing my own thing for a little while.

But later on in my shift, he came back to where I was standing (even though he wasn’t technically supposed to), and we ended up catching up about his trip in some more detail.

He talked about how he saw a manatee while he was on the boat, and how they couldn’t quite tell what it was at first. He also saw three baby dolphins! He also talked about how exactly he managed to run into Meek Mill! Very cool. And how he managed to catch the sunrise once, but saw the sunset every day (ah, so lucky). He might be going back next month, possibly.

I asked him about whether or not he passed the class that he needed to, and turns out that he didn’t. I was actually so upset on his behalf. He did SO MUCH work for it! Three days straight, and with a fever. Poor guy. That’s so unfair. He said he found out while he was away, and that he just shut his laptop and decided not to think about it, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want that to ruin my time away either. So, he’s got to see if he can take that class in summer school, but that at the moment it’s all filled up.

He did mention that his mom said that maybe he was meant to take the summer off, and I agreed, that everything happens for a reason. But I did tell him the tip of trying to enrol on the first day of classes, because people usually drop after they take the first class and decide they don’t like it. Man, I hope he manages to get in somehow.

I told him that even though he told me that he doesn’t tan well and burns, that he looked good and tanned really well. He said it was because he slathered himself with SPF 30 every day, LOL. And he also thanked me for the compliment, with that gorgeous smile of his. I asked him how his mom’s birthday went, and I told him that I sent her a long birthday message because I’m super cheesy like that, and he agreed that I was, but that it was a good thing. (Cute).

After that, he noted that if he didn’t leave where I was, that he would get into trouble, so he headed back to out of the department. I found it so cute that he stayed there to talk with me, despite the fact that if management caught either of us, we’d get into trouble for it. I mean, that seems like effort to me!

Later on, he came back again, and this time Marilyn mentioned that I had to help Dylan with his paperwork again (funny, I wonder why SHE isn’t helping him with it, since he’s working for her… but to her credit, she said it without even a trace of a grin, so kudos to her). He agreed, and I promised to help, and just then, he was like, “did you do something different with your hair?”

I was honestly so taken aback, LOL. Guys don’t notice stuff like that! In all honesty, I didn’t expect very many people to notice at all, because although I did lighten my hair and bring up the blonde, it wasn’t a super drastic change. But he noticed!! I might have to marry him based solely of this fact. Yup.

I said I did, and that Lili did it the night before, and he said it looked amazing and that he loved it. Sigh. Totally made my day.

Later on, Luna asked me if I wanted to go on break with her, and I agreed. As I was grabbing my stuff, all of a sudden she was like, “I’m going to ask him if he wants to come with us”. LMFAO. She legit kills me sometimes! I immediately started saying, “no, no, no, no, no”, but it was too late, she was already making a beeline towards him.

I dawdled behind a bit, and then grabbed my bag and went over to where they were talking.

Turns out, he had already gone on break, but then he suggested tomorrow (surprisingly!). He asked if I was in, and I told him I was, and well, now all three of us are going on break together so we can hear about his travels. I’m laughing as I type this! Luna makes me laugh. I’m honestly so glad I’ve met her.

It’s been a while since we’ve done a lunch together, but we’ll see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully it goes smoothly and Luna doesn’t try to pull some crazy shit saying she can’t come with us but wants the two of us to go BECAUSE I WILL KILL HER. And, I will most definitely suggest we all go another time then. Okay, no I won’t. But, I might just die. Gah. We’ll see what transpires tomorrow.

Anyways, once we got back from break, it was just about time for him to go, so he came over to my house and said that we’d do the paperwork tomorrow and leave everything until last minute, which was his classic go-to style, LOL. He gave me yet another lovely hug (can’t get enough of those), and then bid me adieu until tomorrow.

He went around the department saying goodbye to everyone, and I went over to Mary at the wrapping station. And just as he was saying final goodbyes, as he passed by me, we made eye contact, and he lightly gripped his hand on my arm below my shoulder (the same way I said goodbye to him after the concert), right as he walked by. THE BUTTERFLIES. I CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPRESS.

I love that whenever we’re working and we happen to pass by each other, he always gives me the warmest smile.

All in all? Fantastic day. Not to mention, our team killed it in sales today and nearly doubled our target. It got super busy towards the end so it passed by pretty fast.

So, where’s my head/heart at after this day?

Well, I went into it with my guard up and wondering what exactly the universe was trying to tell me today. I thought that maybe Mary’s call was a sign from the universe that maybe, I should let go. But then seeing him again, and the way we talk, and how he looks at me… the way the butterflies flutter around in my stomach at the slightest touch even.

Through reading The Alchemist, I know that sometimes, you can’t get to the things you really want the most, without some trials. How will you know you’ve earned it if you don’t experience some difficulties on the way to your end goal? How will you ever really appreciate your dreams coming true if you didn’t have to work for it, in some way?

I don’t want to give up on this easily, out of fear of getting hurt. The only reason I should really let go or tone back a bit, is if I know for sure that this isn’t meant for me. And I still don’t know that yet. I don’t know for sure that these feelings have no purpose. So, until then, I can’t let myself waver in my intentions. Not unless the universe tells me directly, somehow, that my intentions should be redirected at something else at this time.

I’m still focusing on me. On loving me, on bettering me, on taking care of me. But I’m not going to put walls up around my heart about this, until I know 100% for sure that… he’s not interested in pursuing anything with me, or anyone for that matter, because he doesn’t want to, and because he has things to work on for himself. Until I hear it coming out of his mouth directly… I’m going to let myself feel however I feel (realistically and practically, of course). I’m in a practical crush, and I’m very much enjoying it, thank you.

So, bring on whatever tomorrow will bring. I’m excited, and I’m happy.

Alright then! Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Before I go though – there’s this part of me (my heart, of course) that so badly wants to tell him how I feel. I mean, I would like to, but I don’t think I actually have the guts to, unless I knew the moment was totally right. But man. It’s been a fair few months now, of crushing. I know I’m being patient but… I think I’m also just curious to see how he’d react, I guess! Would he be happy? Panic? Would it make our friendship weird? I’m so curious.

I feel like my heart has made a pretty good choice on this one though. Kudos to you, buddy! So far, so good. Enjoy the ride!

Until tomorrow,

Love, love, love,

Me.

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